Mum died 4 years ago and I’m still confused

tigmemke

2 replies

Mum died 4 years ago and I’m still confused

My mum died suddenly when I was 26. I lived away from home and I got a phone call one day to tell me the news. It was a complete shock, although not that surprising as I had seen her physical health declining in recent years. It’s the 4 year anniversary of her death today and last night it hit me pretty hard.

What surprised me was that I still have very mixed feelings about her (feeling of failure that I couldn’t save her and also sadness and disappointment that she abandoned me). I don’t feel just sad and that I miss her like I would grieving anyone else. I often feel anger, resentment and pain attached to it. It’s very similar to the pain I felt as a child when she was drinking and hiding away for days on end (and I felt abandoned and that she cared more about the drink than me).

I’ve been working through it in therapy for the last 6 months or so and I’m starting to recognise the triggers of these feelings in my day to day life but I still haven’t worked out how to move past them. I also didn’t expect the pain to still be there with the same intensity after 4 years.

Does anyone know if it eventually lessens? Also, does anyone have any tips on how to process this stage of grief? I feel like I’m stuck trying to figure it all out still (why she drank) and I can’t move on and accept it and process my feelings. It feels like no one else in my life will ever understand this but I thought maybe those with similar experiences would be able to share some insight.

Grateful for anything you can share and I hope you’re all doing well xxx

  • lindyloo
    Participant

    Hi Tigmemke

    I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. Addiction takes so many lives and so many families like yourself having to deal with the aftermath.

    I’m not an expert but I think perhaps that it was a sudden phone call with the sad news, you are still in a state of shock, even after 4 years. In the UK there is a grief counselling service called Cruse who support people like yourself.

    I believe that she loved you but the cruelness of addiction causes them to act selfish and have no empathy. Usually they will lash out to those who are close to them.

    My son has alcohol and cocaine addictions and he told me that it makes you selfish and uncaring.

    They will only care about themselves and their next drink/fix.

    I believe deep down inside she loved you, but something in her past has caused her to drink to forget or blot it out. My son was told that most addicts have a deep rooted problem and the drink or drugs help them to deal with it. Possibly this might have been case with your mum.

    Please look after yourself and seek help confide in a close friend or relative. Someone close should know how you’re feeling, or see your doctor.

    Please look after yourself in the meantime.

    Lx

  • vishalghatul1
    Participant

    these might be the signs of depression. depression can be hard and bad for urself and those arourd you. however it can be avoided by some things.

    yoga : YOGA can be helpful in stress , depression and other health problems also. it is best for reducing fat and losing weight. it helps ur mind to focus and stay fresh.

    food : it is very important to eat enough healthy food during depression.fruits also.

    daily routine : during depression it is very helpful to maintaine daily routine to avoid overthinking and stay focused . it keeps ur mind busy in work.

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