[davidk]

Hi All,

This year has been very tough and earlier in the year I found this website and reading other peoples stories was just the help I needed at the time when the scenario was at its worst and I felt like it was driving me mad (from reading on here I learnt this was quite normal amongst all the partners to addicts).

So I wanted to share a bit of my story and then bring it up to the current and welcome other peoples advice on this.

sorry this will be long…….

so to begin,

I met my girlfriend nearly 7 years ago,

I was a 27 year old male with no kids or long term relationship experience

she was 30 with 2 kids (daughter 14 son 8) and seemingly all kinds of horror stories with ex’s.

At the time her life was quite a mess, she didn’t have a job and she smoked weed all day every day and often doing cocaine too, and she had been told her landlord was evicting her but the council wouldn’t help until it has been to court etc and then step in on the day she becomes homeless.

The house was a mess and she didn’t have much in general and life had no structure apart from the routine of drugs.

I stuck with her through this and in some ways feel there is something in me that must have felt drawn to want to help and that’s perhaps why I jumped into such a complex relationship (it certainly wouldn’t have been what I would have ever seen myself doing if you were to state your perfect partner etc, but that’s love)

After the eventual eviction (which wasn’t her fault) she was moved into a temporary council place and eventually got a permanent home.

This all helped turn her life around as it meant she didn’t live so close to her drug dealer and after countless fights with me she had eventually realized that she had a problem and needed to sort it out,and for quite a few years things seemed a lot better.

Once she got permanent home I helped her make it nice and she could settle into being secure and got herself a job again (most of her work experience is as a TA in schools and despite her home life I believe she is good at this job and the kids all love her because of course they like most people only see the good her, the side I fell in love with that is a good and caring person as opposed to that monster addiction makes people become)

But at times things have still been very up and down,

Like most of last year she seemed to be drinking a bottle of wine pretty much every night and of course that isn’t good for anyone’s mental health.

But at new year she stopped everything, even drinking coffee etc and eating chocolate, and the first 2 months of this year turned out to be the best 2 months of our entire relationship, as the whole relationship has always been like a rollercoaster with her very extreme mood swings.

At this point in time I was fooled into thinking things could never be as bad as the past, I WAS VERY WRONG.

towards the start of lockdown she said one night she fancied a bit of coke and picked up £40 worth.

The next night she said she wanted to do it again as the stuff last night wasn’t very good so she wanted to try a different dealer.

On the 3rd night she mentioned doing it again, at this point I spoke up like “what are you playing at, you’ve already wasted £80 this week on it”.

also around this time there seemed to be a lot of arguing yet I never knew what it was about, just a lot of tension in the house,

I was quite annoyed too as I was spending all this furlough time trying to do stuff around the house like fully decorating her sons bedroom as well as doing the kitchen and bathroom as well as countless other small changes to things everywhere in general. (I should add due to the endless ups and downs I have never moved in with her so I am doing all this to make her home nice)

and throughout all this work I was doing I felt like she wasn’t helping, and often would just sleep all day etc.

At one point her daughter (who is 20 by now) got some weed from her Dad and my girlfriend and her daughter would smoke this together.

I felt this was completely out of order, and feel sick thinking about it, after all the damage weed has had on the family I didn’t know how the pair of them could trivialize and romanticize the drug.

Anyway so as things progress, I eventually learn my girlfriend has been doing a hell of a lot more cocaine secretly throughout lockdown, she is back working too as schools were only briefly shut, although she did then have holidays,

after catching her I didn’t go mad, it was a relief to find out as I felt it explained so much, all the arguing but not knowing what the problem was now made sense, she was pushing me away so I would go home and that would make it easier for her to do the drug.

So I felt now the secret was out we could start to fix things,

her daughter was also aware of this and at this time she was very mad too and I felt her daughter was the only person who understood how I felt as we were both hurt by the actions of the same person.

so all the usual stuff happened that I read in everyone else’s stories, she carried on secretly doing it, and I would start spying and looking through stuff to try and catch her red handed etc as many other partners have mentioned, you feel like you have to prove it as they are such good liars so just a suspicion or circumstantial evidence isn’t enough and they will never admit anything even when faced with hard facts either.

I was good at finding the proof and kept doing so, which would either result in her breaking down sad or acting all defensive about me looking through her stuff,

even many times saying she only does it because of me because she is rebelling against me trying to control her.

obviously this is total crap, anyone trying to stop a drug addict doing drugs isn’t doing it for a sense of power over a person, but doing it out of love to try and stop the person betraying themselves.

So to move forward, eventually I managed to get her to let me help, after I discovered she was in various financial problems with pay day loans etc,

I said I will only help if she agrees to let me in, I need to know everything and be given access,

She did this , which felt like progress, but without doing so I really don’t know what else she could do as her money problem would get worse and worse.

I paid off all the different pay day loans (something that should be illegal in the first place as the prey on weak people in the same way drugs do)

I also learnt that she had a huge bank loan (10K but thankfully banks have fairer interest) and also she had been using money from her sons Dad that she is supposed to put in her sons account.

So since then things had been better, I could see her email and bank and try and regain some trust that she had stopped based on the fact that I would know where her money was, and also she is paying me back, I haven’t offered to pay this stuff for free, but I don’t mind waiting a while, also the bank loan will be carrying on with her bank as I wasn’t willing to pay 10K.

so whats gone wrong now?

well shock horror, a few weeks ago her daughter decides to get some weed again,

and as before this becomes a mother and daughter activity, her daughter can’t even roll so my girlfriend has to roll her drugs for her.

I tried saying yet again how wrong I think this is and how its the sort of scummy thing people on Jeremy Kyle do and she is better than that.

She refuses to see it any different once she wants something though,

and so for weeks now it has become a daily thing of having a spliff

Maybe I could deal with it better if it was occasional but its the fact that its all the time, and each time it runs out her daughter has bought more, so I now see no end in sight and have completely lost all hope.

I feel utterly betrayed by her daughter as she knows about all the addiction problems her mum has had, and even said to me earlier in the year about how shit a mum she was growing up as they grew up poor because of her mums weed habit and the house was nasty and no holidays etc.

So I cannot for the life of me understand why she is now the one getting her mum back smoking again, and she somehow thinks it is ok because her mum isn’t having to pay for it.

I have done so much for nearly 7 years now to try and give the family a better life, stuff like holidays and making the house nice, and also fronting cash, like for example her daughter went to college and that was over £2000 and whilst I was paid back it was still me who fronted the cash so it could be possible at all.

And just countless things I have sorted out and tried to make the whole families life better and easier and drug free.

So it all came to a head Saturday night, My girlfriend had already drunk a bottle of wine and then when her daughter got home from work they of course wanted a spliff again.

I couldn’t not say anything as it drives me mad,

and in the end all 4 of us are in the daughters room with my partner skinning up (yes that’s right the 15 year old son who has spent his whole life watching people do drugs gets a front row seat)

and basically I was just saying how wrong this is, that this isn’t normal behavior etc and her son shouldn’t be brought up to think this is normal because it isn’t.

then her daughter started having a go back at me saying how it is her drugs and its only weed so its not a big deal, and I said how you thought it was a big deal when it was coke, to which she said yes but that’s different, and I said how is it different? and she mentioned money etc and I said if its so much safer than coke why did my girlfriend spend all of the sons disability money growing up on weed instead of on providing for him.

they then said I was being manipulative, on the one hand maybe I shouldn’t have said this, but it is true, and surely doing something like that is worse than me saying it.

Eventually her son spoke up and said I should leave.

at this point I retreated utterly broken.

I am fighting for his welfare to try and make their lives better yet they both defend their mum to do the very thing she has ruined their childhoods doing.

I realized at that point I am fighting something that cannot be won.

I grabbed my bag and left.

and haven’t heard anything from any of them since.

Obviously I don’t want it to end like this, I feel heartbroken to imagine not having them in my life,

and that’s another thing, I’ve invested all this time into making her house nice and loving the family and our 2 cats, and now I lose everything because of her choosing drugs over me yet again.

Just doesn’t seem fair.

I feel now that It was my mistake to think you could teach people to have a better life, they have grown up in such misery that it is all they know, and the 3 of them will always make anyone else an outsider no matter what.

and that’s how it felt, like I was saying all this stuff for the best for everyone but their mum has them so under her spell that I was being viewed as just another abusive boyfriend.

She even said during the final scene, “every man that comes into our lives just wants to control us”.

I guess it is true, I am trying to control drug addiction, what sort of asshole would I be to stand by and watch.

I should add, I am not a drug user, I don’t drink or smoke or anything, maybe that makes me worse as often people who don’t do the thing at all have the harshest views of it.

I have smoked weed as a teenager etc but its just not something I am interested in as an adult, I have never had a drug addiction and my life doesn’t rely on things like that.

Also, I am not a violent person in any way shape or form, and they all know this and would never view me in this way which is why I felt so hurt at the end being made to look like ex boyfriend’s who she would argue with a lot and things had been violent as I don’t believe my arguing out of total despair at the situation compares in any way to previous arguments with ex boyfriends that were also drug users etc.

I am now in limbo, I don’t know if she is upset or angry or what, I am not contacting her and so far she hasn’t contacted me,

Its her birthday and then xmas next week so I feel it is the worst time of year for all this but I still don’t see how things can ever be ok now I feel like its all 3 of them against me, its completely broken things as previously it always seemed like the kids realized that their mum was hard work and that I have put up with a lot and that I have made a lot of positive change in their lives and tried to bring about a sense of stability etc.

I am obviously already at my wits end after all the cocaine problems earlier in the year and feel like just as we are getting over that we are now back to something else (drink and weed again) and its so hard to see things ever changing. It will always be ok for a bit and then the next thing will come along, and the hardest part is that when she’s not in this weird grip to things, she can see it all so clearly,

Like when they had the weed at the start of lock down, after a week or so of doing it every day they actually decided to chuck it away as having it there meant she would keep doing it.

So why can’t they see that now.

She just maintains she is doing what she wants and I can do what I want and need to stop trying to control her.

I really do despair.

any advice, and sorry its long, I bottle things up.

[johnboy44]

Not being funny mate but you sound like a good guy , you don’t have kids either , pack your bags and do one … id be gone smoking spliffs with your kid is just trashy as hell , go get a single girl with no kids and move on , I know your going to say but I love her and it’s not that easy but trust me it’s now inevitable.. .. lay down the law iff she laughs and keeps drugging then do one

[davidk]

thanks for the feedback, I wasn’t sure if I sounded like a snob and over-reacting about the whole current weed thing, as I’m sure if she tells any of her weed smoking friends what happened, they will all tell her she hasn’t done anything wrong etc because they would be smokers too and also argue that her daughter being 20 makes her an adult too, but I still don’t see any excuse from either of them.

I know what you are saying is good advice,

but of course I do still feel that I love her, and feel like by leaving I am giving up on her.

also, when she isn’t in the selfish grip of drugs we are amazing in a way I really never thought possible, so like all the partners of an addict, we cling on to the good side of them.

Also although the kids aren’t mine, I have spent nearly 7 years trying to be a good role model for them too so by leaving I am walking out on that as well, although from how things went the other night, I don’t think my attempts at positive influence have amounted to much after all.

[unknown24]

The last part you said really resonated with me. Because I have been in his kids life for 7 years as well and don’t want to give up on them or him. You are in a scenario where maybe it’s best to get out because she is manipulated the kids to think you are toxic and theres not much you can do about that until she’s ready to see that. Me on the other hand, he’s never done drugs eith his kids and they don’t know about his addiction and I don’t know how to let go because I can’t give up on them when they have no where else to turn. We can’t change people that don’t want to. You can try and be supportive of the kids from afar if they will allow it eventually. I’m trying to figure out the lines between supportive and enabling and that’s why I came here. Hopefully both of us can find a solution

[davidk]

Hi,

sorry to hear you are in a similar boat as myself,

it is a very difficult situation as of course we feel responsible because we are normal people with normal emotions, yet its the addict that isn’t being responsible.

I was just pushed to the point by her and the kids though to feel its not me turning my back on them but quite the other way round, they have all abandoned and betrayed me.

I did everything I could and that wasn’t enough.

how old are your partners kids?

I guess if my partners kids were younger I’d feel worse about things but because they are old enough to get things, yet made me feel so hated it is hard for me not to feel extremely hurt and bitter towards them, I’m not spiteful but it almost pushes me to the point of feeling spiteful towards them because they have thrown everything I ever did for them back in my face.

essentially I seemed to care more about the welfare of that family than that family cares about themselves, so they probably don’t miss me or even realise how much I did for them because they are all so messed up and broken and no amount of love and care will ever be enough to change that.

so what’s your current situation with your partner?

[dre80]

until I read your testimony, I thought I couldn’t meet a good, honest, selfless and dedicated man. But there is hope of meeting one here in Brazil then. May God help you in what you have done that is within your reach, we can only help those who want to be helped. And we have the frustration of being rejected, having been good. I liked 5 months of someone addicted to cocaine, he just says he wants to leave but does nothing about it. I gave advice, and he walked away from me, because he said we were going to get hurt. I’m sad, but I understand you. I bought medicine for him, paid for our dinners, but they are manipulators because the drug is more attractive than any human being who wants to help them. Listen to the colleague above, meet someone who values ​​your every action, you deserve someone like yourself, dedicated. The drug leaves the person ungrateful, selfish, without empathy. Strength to you.

[davidk]

thanks for reading my story and the kind words,

you are bang on with your final line

“The drug leaves the person ungrateful, selfish, without empathy.”

sadly this is so true and the partners are always left feeling second best to a drug.

ha yeh perhaps there is still a few good men left in the world and I hope you can meet one of them.

[dre80]

your story moved me too much, it made me want to hug you. I felt your pain. A great reference for children, but we can only help anyone who wants to! unfortunately cocaine affects empathy, sense of judgment etc, I studied so hard, to understand this guy that I was with for 5 months. You did more than she deserved, and the person’s next comment is very real, they don’t care. Knowing someone who values ​​you, I also hope you meet someone nice. It’s never easy to leave, I stayed a lot less time and still think about him, sometimes I write to him, but he has more rewards on drugs. He wanted weekends for that, to use, to be terrible the next day. I read on his cell phone, messages for prostitutes from websites, there was no continuity in the conversation, but whoever triggers to negotiate, someday already scheduled live, I believe! He gave me two STDs, I helped and paid for our treatments, he said it was many months before we met a girl he liked (he could be a prostitute on the site). I suffered, I was very patient, and nothing helped him stay with me, I insisted, he bit my arm once drunk. I forgave him. 5 intense months … I imagine the reality of your 7 years. Cocaine won, my friend, let’s be strong both of us. Make every investment you made for her, for yourself! I did like you, a lot, and they will never appreciate it. Spend it with yourself, fix the house for yourself. You deserve too much!

[thelostone]

Hi

I’m now single, no kids, and spent just over two years trying to help my much older boyfriend.. 20 years difference between us.. he’s older.. despite being pensionable age he smokes crack .. and did heroin at one point.

You get no thanks trying to help an addict. You just waste your life and lose your sanity and happiness. Get out and count your blessings because you deserve better. Stop thinking with your heart because trust me, addicts don’t go too sentimental as long as they have they crap to take. Life is too short and there is a lovely lady out there that deserves you.

[davidk]

Hi

Thanks for reading my story and your feedback

I know walking away is the right thing to do really but it is so hard to give up on someone and to stop thinking with your heart

We did speak a little yesterday for the first time since the big upset last week

She is still maintaining that she can do what she wants and is saying I was out of order being angry in front of the kids etc

That’s the problem when they are like this everything gets turned around and puts the argument onto a different topic and she is just so self destructive when she is in this head space,

I’m guessing all partners get the usual crap about how we are being control freaks etc and it’s us with the problem

But the problem is for me to stand by and watch and do nothing I would feel Is the worst crime of all

[dre80]

She still doesn’t give value, and blame you for.. you just tried to help her and her kids, you were better than she deserved, because anyone would stay so long being so mistreated. They have the cocaina and other drugs as their life, cocaine remove empathy, judgment sense, and most addictive are narcissist, because they want pleasure that a human being can’t give in a way that cocaine do. I read so much about nucleus accubem..a brain part, that I was going crazy, trying to know the addiction to handle with the addicted. Was lost of time to help him, but this helped me to see that they only care about themselves.. . Even more if they don’t want help and to get out first place. Many people here that have drug issues and they are trying to make huge efforts that I think admirable! But our savior behavior problem glue us on thoughts about them, to solve their lives, because we don’t want to look to ourselves and our suffering to not find someone better, then… going after their dilemmas, distract us from ourselves and our own pain. Is one day after another… self value. Once here, I read something so painful (many things but..), if you have no kids with them (your own), RUN LIKE THE WIND… I don’t remember who wrote this, but in portuguese, is so tough to think about that… RUN LIKE THE WIND, before you get attached, that you get involved…. before!!! In 5 months I’m broken ???? and you with 7… more than me. And I suffer with you and I hope you get better each day my unknown friend.

[mell]

Hi i am in the same situation i am a nurse working nights during covid my partner has ran up debts and stole continuously for eight years for cocaine i am so stressed i take my purse my card ect to work he steals and sells everything my children are a mess he begs and crys in front of them when i try to put him out so they see it so i am the bad one

[thelostone]

If he is stealing from you, that really is the bottom of the pit. You need to get him out of your life.. trust me I know how hard it is to walk away from a loved one and feel like you’re giving up on them, but until he admits he has a problem and gets help, things will not get any better for you. You really mustn’t buckle to any pleas, crying, begging.. get him out of your life until he can get clean.. because I can tell you from experience, it will NOT get any better.

[davidk]

Hi Mell,

sorry to hear of your situation,

It’s so utterly frustrating, and no one who hasn’t been with a partner with an addiction can really understand it.

feel for you on the kids front, the feeling that she turned the kids against me, and how utterly blind they are to what’s really going on is the part I am finding hardest to deal with, they aren’t my kids, but even so, I’m a very loyal person, so to think that I could selflessly be there for them for 7 years to be sold out so easily in return is very upsetting to me.

Is your partner the dad of your kids,

and does he admit he has a problem or is he still in complete denial?

[dre80]

Hello,

How you doing, please,… I’m not gonna say: are you ok? Because I know that all the pain for being so careful with someone that doesn’t give value, will knock the door of our hearts and minds…. that’s the bad part for me, my mind…

What we create is a idealization about what could be with our help and love. But we were loving us less, maybe because we didn’t receive this love before. I know this is very tough, but we have to give this love to ourselves first.

Please, tell me … be strong!

[l54321]

Wow you sound like an amazing, patient, caring man who deserves to be treated better, if only love was so easy to choose the ones that put us first as we do them. My husband is an alcoholic so a little different but he’s an addict and ruining my life. He was sober until two weeks ago and has just ruined my Christmas, I have three daughters and he has one, all spending Christmas with us. I had to call an ambulance for him yesterday evening (not the first time) due to serious withdrawals that drinking more alcohol could not help. I have held everything together for the four children who to be fair have just cracked on and enjoyed themselves, dancing and playing music, opening presents etc. I have kept up my face of happiness the entire time whilst inside feeling like I want to crawl into a hole. I am exhausted having to contain my emotions and having to pull off Christmas prep over the last two weeks all by myself whilst dealing with a man child I am also caring for. He is still in hospital now on Christmas night and I miss and love him so much. My mother came over yesterday evening and tore me a new asshole for loving and marrying him, I was so desperately trying to hold normalcy together and I’m angry that she couldn’t respect that there was nothing I could just ‘do’ on Xmas when I have four kids here. He isn’t violent or angry or abusive, he’s just bloody useless and full of self pity when he drinks. The lies are the massive thing for me, the trying to convince you that it’s in your head and you’re paranoid to the point you have to question yourself only to find out your gut instinct was in fact spot on. So far this year he’s had four drinking spells that have involved the hospital and they now want to contact social services to check everything is ok at home. So far this year I have lost a baby, moved house, found out my eldest was being groomed to self harm, and my daughters father was diagnosed with kidney cancer, all of these somehow gave him a green light to screw me over by drinking. He has ruined my last two birthdays and this Christmas. When he’s not drinking he’s brilliant, works long hard hours, we have a brilliant relationship and yes we cling to the memories of these times, the horrendous times dim after a couple weeks and somehow we forget, until the next time. Your girlfriend encourages her daughter to take the same path as herself and you are absolutely doing the right thing by letting it be known it’s not right, it sounds as if you have literally exhausted every avenue to help her to lead a better life for the sake of her children. What I am learning is that I can move the money out of the account and lock the alcohol where he can’t get it but when things go back to normal at some point, usually when I need him the most he screw us over again. I definitely don’t have the answers and not sure where I go from here to be honest, the everything is wonderful face has to stay in place for the kids and the rest of the holiday. I truly hope you find your happiness.

[davidk]

Hi,

thanks for reading my story and your comments,

It sounds like you have your hands full too, sorry to hear your xmas has been ruined,

that’s the problem with these people, they are incapable of holding it together for events,birthdays etc, none of that registers with them, its almost like the pressure of giving someone a nice birthday is too much for them to deal with and they can’t prevent themselves ruining it.

sounds like you are similar to me though in that you can’t turn your back on him,

as angry as it makes you and run down, I think we both still have that little bit left in us to keep trying to hold it together and still longing for the good times to return.

also, I know what you mean with the whole “when things are back to normal” routine, I think that’s what makes it harder to give up on them, because we experience this good side and for so long it fools me into thinking it was all behind us and things could never return to how they were, but then another bad occasion is always looming, sometimes years later.

also during these “normal” periods, they act like nothing ever happened, like it wasn’t even them almost, like they don’t even remember it,

but i’ve also found the “normal” soon shows cracks if you start to mention them slipping into bad habits.

luckily for you your partner doesn’t seem to do the abusive part, but its still not right that you are left holding things together, relationships are supposed to be about being a team.

[l54321]

It’s true what you are saying and it helped me reading your story and others and knowing I am not alone. I hate that I have to seek solace in this way but it truly helps writing it down and talking to others.

You are not ready to throw in the towel yet and I don’t think I am either. I tell myself I can’t because the girls wouldn’t see each other anymore and it would be upsetting for them but if there were no children I would probably still be here. I’ve never loved anyone as I love him and he is a good man when he is himself.

I have been blindsided recently that everything was ok even though I smelled a rat at times but honestly questioned my own sanity, you have evidently been down that path many times yourself.

He was messaging and calling me in the early hours saying he’d like to come home when he’s released from hospital if I’ll have him. I have no other choice anyway and didn’t tell him he wasn’t welcome in the first place but it’s his own guilt and let’s face it when you’re off your mind on drugs or alcohol you don’t know what’s been said or done.

Last year he was going through a ‘spell’ I was so angry at him and we happened to be going on a prearranged night out for my brothers birthday. There was several of us and plenty of wine and port flowing, I actually had a brilliant time with my family but I was still so angry at him. I had drunk to the point of not remembering ordering a taxi, I apparently argued with the driver about the price and I was in the front seat, my partner grabbed me out the taxi, I’d grabbed hold of the tariff reader cable in the scuffle and accidentally pulled it off, the driver called the police as he thought I was going to be assaulted and because of the damage, he had me on the pavement and I lashed out and broke his finger, I was arrested and locked up for the night. I have never even had a speeding ticket before. I received a conditional caution and was ordered to attend an alcohol awareness course. Can you imagine the irony of the situation. I was so deeply ashamed and still am even though I know it would never of happened if I had not been so angry and upset about him lying saying he was going to work and then sneaking home to get drunk. Now I don’t allow myself to get angry for my own self preservation as that negative emotion can have such a vast effect. It taught me though not to allow his behaviour to affect mine and have to see it as a valuable and extremely ironic lesson that when I shared people usually laugh at. Funny thing is Xmas eve he had the audacity to moan about his finger which is still crooked and somehow draw on my one and only humiliating drunk experience that I took as a lesson and to make me a better person.

I’m hoping for some normal in the next day or two at least having him home so the kids can feel things are as they should be.

Thank you, your words have really helped & I’m wishing for a new year miracle for us both.

[thelostone]

It’s staggering, the parallels between us all. I will quote you with things I have written myself:

“I’ve never loved anyone as I love him and he is a good man when he is himself.”

“honestly questioned my own sanity…”

“I was still so angry at him…” “I miss and love him so much”

“The lies are the massive thing for me, the trying to convince you that it’s in your head and you’re paranoid to the point you have to question yourself only to find out your gut instinct was in fact spot on.”

“He has ruined my last two birthdays…”

All of the above, I could have written without changing a word. I feel I’ve moved beyond that point now.. what Dre80 says is 100% spot on… when you get down to the heart of it, this is about US, not them.. not the addicts with the problem.

We are NOT going to change them, we have to change the situation we are in… and the only way we can do that is by walking away. It is NOT going to get better…don’t let your heart run your heart and don’t live on sentimentality. The bad times far outweighed the good times I had with my fella. He managed to ruin two christmas days, and three birthdays. Yesterday was truly the first time I didn’t let me get in my head.. although he still contacted me – to tell me I am the love of his life and everything is going to be ok. Yeah right. I’ve been hearing that for nearly 3 years. Enough is truly enough.

Just when you start to pick yourself up, they drag you back in. They will make you feel like you’ll losing your mind. Your mental, spiritual and physical health will decline, you will lose sleep, time and happiness wasting your life trying to help them, and they will return time and time again to their addiction. They will lie to you, manipulate you, treat you like crap and drown you in their self pity. They will turn on you, blame you.. they will disappoint you, let you down, and ruin every important moment in life. Is this love?

I keep moving forward. I have been kind, but no longer will I be weak. I hope you all get to where I am in my journey because the peace of mind is priceless, the ability to love yourself in precious and the realisation that we are worth more is where you start to self-heal and move on without an addict dragging you down.

[l54321]

Hearing your words doesn’t make me feel quite so stupid, because that’s how I feel, stupid and an idiot who has chosen to believe and trust in someone that time again proves me wrong. They say love is blind and they weren’t wrong.

It’s amazing the sober period he had before we married and then other day after our wedding he started drinking again, my family are convinced he was trapping me, I actually question whether he had that thought process but that probably shows you the naive stage I’m still at.

The first ruined occasion you think is just random, the second is surely coincidence, then the pattern starts taking form and I am seeing no good times as the good times are shat all over by them. I feel no choice but to allow him home when he comes out of hospital, I have his daughter here in our home and I just see no other way and I do still love him.

Thank you your words make tots sense and I am glad you have seen your way to your peace, I know how strong I am and will find it too.

[davidk]

ha that is ironic about the finger.

also typical behavior that the odd occasion we lose it, it is treated like the ultimate sin yet they take no blame for all the times they cause all the trouble.

like my current scenario all based over me getting angry with the kids there,

so instead of the argument being about what i was annoyed about (her doing drugs with her daughter and letting the son have front row seat) it has now shifted to being about how I behaved etc.

They really are experts at turning everything away from themselves when it suits,

I guess its just years of practice and self deception too, as the lies and deception seem to be the main common thread amongst everyone’s stories.

do you live with your partner? as obviously that makes you more tied down but that alone isn’t a reason to stay.

I don’t live with her but I have been with her since she got her house and have helped every step to make it “our” home ready to move in one day,

and when she is the woman I love, she has all the same dreams with what we want and what we want to do with the house etc,

but I now accept I can never live there, as I can’t live in a house where I have to just accept the other 3 people being selfish and having no respect for me and also constantly feeling like in any disagreement I am automatically in the wrong and I am the one to have to leave.

even though the disagreements are always over either drugs and everyone leaving no end of mess for someone else to deal with.

there is no give and take, its one way, if I don’t like it then don’t move in, that’s my girlfriends attitude when she’s being a dick, yet other times she will agree that we do need to set rules and teach the kids etc but that’s just words that never actually come into action so I am always left looking like bad cop.

[l54321]

You are so sensible not moving in at least you can retreat to your domain when the lows hit. You seem like such a wonderful man, she is so lucky you have stood by her the way you have, but you’re left feeling foolish and banging your head against a brick wall, same as me.

We are married and live together, other than his daughter he has no family, few friends and nowhere to go. If I throw him out he’s homeless and my daughters will be devastated to lose their step sister and visa versa. Trapped is how I feel, partly because of my heart and partly the practicalities.

The only time we fall out is when the drinking starts otherwise it’s ‘perfect’ and everything I wanted, I must be deluded lol. He’s blamed me to the hospital before for ending up there, saying I won’t let him have alcohol so he’s withdrawing so badly he needs medical attention, the doctors have even called me and told me to give him a litre of vodka minus 10% and then reduce another 10% everyday, I’ve done what they said and he’s still ended up back there, it’s fecked up. Yeah because we are the bad ones…

[davidk]

I just read through your other posts for your story,

sorry to see this isn’t even the first alcoholic you have had in your life either.

which brings me to a previous point I have made where I wonder if people like us are somehow drawn to someone who needs help,

yet sadly we never get no thanks for it, and when it comes down to it our help can all just be undone anyway.

also I was going to ask how old the children are but I see in your other posts that the eldest is 11 (and sadly self harming and growing up in a time where online bullying etc is the normal)

so I’m guessing they are perhaps still too young to fully realise the problem although its surprising how much kids do pick up on.

I was so glad when I found this site though, as everything is normally about the addict and their problems (mostly self inflicted) yet really I cant help feeling the real victims are the people like us who are rational but trying to rationalise the behavior of the ones we love that don’t comply with rational behavior.

and thats what nearly sends us mad in the end, so hearing how our behavior as partners is almost as typical as the behavior of addicts does help.

[l54321]

No it’s not the first alcoholic, I was 16 when I moved in with a 23 year old man who was very much a functioning alcoholic, he was horrible to me, mentally abusing me very occasionally physically, it took all I had to leave him and the last time not go back, my self esteem in tatters, he’d poor on emotional guilt and then rewarded me with money and presents when I returned. I promised myself never to allow someone to treat me that way again..

This situation is the same but very different also, my husband is not a functioning alcoholic nor nasty and abusive in that way albeit it still is abusing us as human beings and destroying us, it’s just different.

When I found out my daughter was self harming he immediately hit the bottle, I’ve had people say that maybe as soon as my attention is on someone else he cannot cope so does it to draw my attention back, how selfish would that be if it were true, and I wonder at times if they are right as 4 weeks later my daughters father was told he had kidney cancer, I cried so many tears for him and my husband turned to drink yet again and attention was back on him. I have felt like I am trying to keep literally EVERYTHING together for the kids sake, for finances, I work full time myself it’s not as if I can dedicate my entire week to just surviving I actually have to be responsible and on the ball as an assistant QS and feel like a hamster on a wheel, unable to stop and feel exhausted or anything else because it will all coming crashing around me.

Children will pick up on lots we take for granted. I pay £50 a week for private counselling for my daughter following the self harming and console myself that my husband’s drinking has never been mentioned by her and I have never said to any of the kids they have to keep anything a secret and assume she doesn’t mention it as mostly things are normal and when he drinks he’s just not ‘there’ rather than causing the children chaos. It’s only me that feels the chaos and I keep it inside.

You are right, there must be something in us that makes us feel we can deal with these situations yet both times I’ve been with an alcoholic it was never a choice as it was cleverly hidden from me until i was sucked in and in love, unless it was my blindness to see the signs.

[davidk]

did you say your husband does normally work,

Does alcohol effect jobs or does he manage to hide it from work?

my girlfriend works in a school, and I do believe she is good at her job,

that’s the weird thing with her habits in that it mainly just effects the evening and also because they are so good at lying to themselves and hiding the problem they are therefore able to go about most people without it being noticed.

I think with most addiction and mental health issues the person is very self absorbed, so the attention thing could be true, like they are so wrapped up in themselves and always turn everything about them.

My girlfriend thinks she is the most hard done by person in the world half the time, the other half actually realises how good life is and how lucky she is to have all the nice things and opportunity, but the miserable addict in them sees everything in the negative.

I don’t know what music you like but as I was discovering my girlfriends coke problems earlier this year I was reading a book by singer Mark Lanegan, and weirdly found some comfort in his words.

He spent most of his life addicted to one thing then another mostly heroin and watched a lot of friends die etc, his book is very self absorbed and quite brilliantly shows into the mind of an addict, as he is writing it 20 odd years sober he is very open and honest about addiction in a way most addicts wont ever be or not at least until they are clean, so it is a good read to hear someone openly admit how selfish their addiction is and how unapologetic they are for it.

His music is much the same really, I don’t know why I listen to it but i’ve always liked depressing music ha.

[l54321]

Yes he works 12 hour days where he can be d&a anytime. He will be sober for weeks sometimes months, he has a vet well paid supervisor job, when the drinking starts he stops going to work and our finances are heavily affected. They are very good at their jobs just unreliable but running at 110% other times! Whilst he does it I have no choice but to keep working or lose more money when I feel like I’m barely clinging on to my sanity I’m forced to work harder because of his addiction.

My husband was abused and had broken bones at 3 years by his mother’s husband and he and his two brothers & two sisters were put into care. He never sounds like he is full of woe about it and says it’s made him the person he is now and sounds positive, I think he maybe kids Himself. He did bad things as a child and youth, spent time in prison and got into a lot of trouble. Nothing like that for over 20 years though. He was with the mother of his children for 13 years and did not behave the way he is now, I know this because she wasn’t allowing him to see the daughter and we went to court two years on the trot to get proper access and she used everything she could for him not to have his daughter, this was not something mentioned and they did checks on him twice to see if there was any welfare issues. Her problem was he left her and she was bitter and used the ‘I’m the mother card’ to stop access and basically hated me and blamed me. If she knew what was going on at the moment she would stop it all. His daughter knows what is going on as he told her a few days ago, she told him she loved him and chooses herself not to mention these things to her mum as she knows she won’t be allowed to come here, and she loves being here.

Last year in January he caught hepatitis A which is a liver virus infection, since then the alcohol has a physical effect on him. I sound as if I am making excuses but that is a fact, after that our troubles began. I believe he has experienced depression and has had a lot going on to deal with as a person a lot of his life, that coupled with the physical issue bestowed upon him last year has equated to catastrophe for us. But it is still no excuse for what he is doing to us.

I actually enjoy listening to depressing music as well lol, I will listen to him and give it a go thank you for the recommendation. I’ve probably heard his music but I’m a bit rubbish with artists names!

It must be so frustrating for you when she tips the scales back and that is where I find they start using whatever it is again, we start noticing those signs of them feeling negative and then eventually realise they are using their drug of choice in secret and it all makes sense. They say it’s because they feel depressed but in truth they did it first as habit and then the real depression hit them full force and here you are again and it’s everyone else’s fault. Talking to you is helping me so much I thank you for being here.

[davidk]

his case sounds strange then that he developed his problem so late in life, as i’d expect most people to have been troubled with substances on and off from much younger, but the fact the ex never used it in court is a pretty good sign, or he just hid it extremely well from her.

also sounds like he has had his fair share of troubles, but even so, I think people who turn to addiction can’t cope with the small things, and plenty of people go through much worse and still manage to hold themselves together its just something in their character, and trouble and bad luck always finds an easy path to them.

the great thing on this site is everyone else is in the same or similar boat or has been and seen all this same stuff.

whereas even if you talk to family,friends etc unless they have been there its hard for them to understand and will most likely just advise you to leave the person as they wont understand the love that keeps you there.

my parents really like my girlfriend though and one sister works in mental health and the other stood by her alcoholic husband, so I guess I’m quite fortunate that they are a bit more clued up on these things but even so its only in the last few weeks that I finally turned to them,

my sister with the alcoholic husband entirely understands as she has had all these emotions herself (and all the horror stories), but she stuck by him and for many years he has turned his life around and hopefully that will continue, so perhaps her “happy” ending gives me some false hope of riding it out waiting for the miracle.

[l54321]

I think he always drank heavily at times but never to the extent that he cannot get out of the situation unless he receives medical treatment. I myself can admit as many can that when the shit is hitting the fan and stress is heavy we will self medicate with a couple glasses of wine. I actually stop having a drink when he is drinking, maybe I have to never drink again as that is unhelpful though I do not drink all the time anyway. Maybe he feels truly loved as he says for the first time so feels I won’t leave him, his relationship with his ex was a practical one that was agreed so they could both have a child rather than fell head over heels as we did. Or maybe he’s spun me a load of shit as I no longer trust my own judgement, although I have never been so foolish in other aspects I still wonder if it’s me.

Your family sound amazing! My family are close and supportive in many ways, however my mother has never been able to deal with her feelings properly and has always lost her shit when she is upset, her first go to is to blame me for being stupid rather than supporting me. She was drunk when she came over Xmas eve and was yelling at me and saying she couldn’t understand why I was being so calm. I calmly explained that my Xmas was ruined but it didn’t mean the children’s had to be and if I get upset and angry that would be the result. She continued and continued while helping me wrap the final presents until I eventually broke down and then she softened. She could of said all those things after and just supported the fact I needed to complete Xmas for the kids sake but her feelings came first. I know it’s her way but it stops me reaching out to her.

[davidk]

shame your mum gets a bit heated about it, but it is difficult not to,

especially from the outside looking in as it all seems so simple when you aren’t emotionally attached to the situation.

personally I don’t ever drink or take drugs, I just don’t really care for them since around my late teens, think once I learnt to drive I preferred to have that freedom and of course if you drive places you shouldn’t be drinking or doing drugs,

I must say all this puts me off ever doing anything, but at the same time the stress of it all almost makes you need something as of course what do we have to blow off steam, they constantly have their drug of choice when they cannot cope with anything, but we have nothing for when we can’t cope with them.

currently its sleeping at night I’m struggling with,

I manage to try not to think too much about everything during the day and then as soon as I try to sleep my brain just won’t shut down, and I dwell on it all.

[l54321]

That’s awful when your brain won’t let you sleep, especially when you’re working the next day. It’s not surprising you are struggling at the moment. How are things at the moment? I believe the last thing you commented was you’d spoken on the phone?

I myself received a call from my husband at 7pm last night, he’s been having really bad seizures in hospital and I was quite upset afterwards worrying he’s going to die so called to speak to his doctor so I could at least try and sleep and they told me he’d had another since I’d spoken to him but not a long one and he was settled to sleep. I felt reassured. Then at 1am he called me to say he was discharging himself, I asked him to pass me to the doctor and they said they couldn’t stop him leaving and I needed to come and meet him to make sure he got home ok, in the wind and rain I walked the 5 minutes to the hospital and he got home fine. He’s still in bed now and had no seizures so far. I think I preferred him in hospital, I had plans today and now feel I need to keep an eye on him in case he fits and dies. What a bloody life to lead.

Do you find it harder not knowing what’s going on and so worrying about her and the children more?

[l54321]

I’m so bloody angry. He’s actually had the audacity to ask me if I’ve been online looking for another man!! Yeah because I’ve had nothing else to do apart from think about screwing somebody else!! And then he’s moaning about the house not being as tidy as it should be wtf, he’s doing nothing but drink and fester in his own filth for nearly two weeks, done sweet fa to help me, I’ve organised and done Christmas for four kids and bloody mentally and physically exhausted and I’ve not been doing what I should have been doing. Seriously think I’m going to lose my mind.

[davidk]

that is such typical behavior,

just remember he is projecting his blame onto you,

to avoid it being about how he has messed up xmas he’s turning it around to being about you.

its the typical addict trick, like I said, its exactly what’s happened to me with our bust up, it’s now about how I behaved in front of kids etc rather than what she is doing, so the original issue is forgotten and its about something else, its just diversion tactics.

as for your previous message,

I would normally be going out of my mind worrying what is happening without me there but I feel like I’m in a new place at the moment of just having to accept it’s all out of my control and also I don’t want to know right now.

We speak a bit on phone each day, I cant visit her at the minute as she actually has covid, so thats forced me not to see her, but currently I think it’s probably a good thing as I don’t know what will happen when I go back, I feel so utterly hurt by everything that happened I just can’t imagine sitting around a table eating dinner with the family anymore.

even though I didn’t officially live there, it was like my home, I no longer feel like its my home or ever will be this is what makes me so sad at night, as I feel things may have to end as I cannot see how they can go forward yet I still love her and don’t want to see her sink.

[l54321]

Yes he’s projecting his blame alright. So today he’s tried contacting aa, turning point etc and nobody is answering apparently. I went to the shop to get him some juice and returned 15 minutes later to catch him in the act of jimmying open the locked cupboard and drinking alcohol, I lost my shit and then sat down to talk to him. During our conversation the same thing happened where he’s vacant not blinking and then the stomach cramping the hospital had managed to stop started again. Once again I called an ambulance and he is in hospital, they don’t know what the episodes are and have called to ask what happened today so I explained everything.

I think I quit and don’t care anymore it’s not my issue anymore I will not have this anymore enough is enough. I’m about to take some bits to the hospital for him and tomorrow I will try to find him a homeless shelter. The doctor said that when he comes out he will probably need to drink, I said but he drinks and then has an episode so I will just call an ambulance and send him back to you and so the cycle will continue so he needs to stay in and should never have discharged himself last night.

I am not going to continue repeating this he has to lose everything and quite frankly I no longer give a rats ass. Amen

[davidk]

that sounds very frustrating,

it is a weird one with alcohol that they cant just stop, although I would have thought if he was in hospital then they would have something to help you withdraw, it seems mad that the advice on discharge is basically to keep drinking to avoid more fits.

[l54321]

He just turned up at 10pm last night, I’d told him to stay in as long as possible, he says they discharged him. I no longer want him to open his mouth because I suspect lies all the time and silence feels easier.

The house couldn’t be more alcohol free but I found myself in the night thinking, shit my bag has cash and my cards in there! So got up and hid it in the freezer. The kids have Christmas money here as well so I need to get it stashed away somewhere, I’d never think he could stoop as low as that before but now I wouldn’t put anything passed him. So I’ve ended up with him home, I’ve told him I’m contacting the homeless shelter if he slightly messes up and doesn’t attend the meetings he’s supposed to go to let alone starts drinking. I guess I’ll just have to see if I can ever view him as anything but a parasite going forward, he has a chance to sort himself out but I don’t have any confidence he will.

You have remained strong this time in spite of your upset over feeling you are losing it all, the home you’ve built with the intent of living there one day and the support you have given time and again to her and the children, you are an true gentleman and man far above what feel I married. She will lose you and hopefully reality will set in, but I doubt it as I don’t think they know anything about reality and if they get the slightest whiff of it they decide to dive into the pits of their addiction so they don’t have to deal with it.

To share something funny and make you laugh. Apparently when he got to hospital he fell out the ambulance, must of dropped his phone and the the ambulance drove over it! That did actually make me chuckle and an added bonus it prevented him messaging and calling me, maybe there is intervention after all lol.

[davidk]

how has today been?

ha that’s funny with the phone,

I’ve known of someone to do that driving a forklift truck and run over their own phone.

as for reality setting in and realising what they’ve lost, I don’t know if they ever will, as they are so self destructive and self absorbed and experts at turning it around, so I imagine it would just be turned into another thing where they are the victim and we are oh so bad for how we have treated them, and it really does seem like they are so delusional that they do believes this.

[dre80]

Hello, how are you? Thelostone.

Your advices don’t get out of my mind and heart.

And David.. how are you either…

[jjanon]

There isn’t anything you can do while she is convinced there isn’t a problem.

Im quite sure her family life wasn’t great and you can paint a long and tragic tale, but do you want to continue to be part of it?

You don’t have children with her and one of hers is now an adult and the other is old enough to know better. You are right to feel hard done by on that front.

Part of the problem is you keep bailing out her bad decisions. So much so the consequences of her actions don’t belong to her. She already is convinced you will go back to her if she creates the right situation and promises the right things.

The daughter’s attitude to cocaine appears to be a financial one. Which means at some point she will either get on it or look for other options between the price of weed and cocaine.

So, I’d say, leave her. No doubt she will try things to get you back, but while she is happy to abuse so many substances and doesn’t see it as a problem, there isn’t anything you can do. She needs to reach an emotional and consequence low before she will even consider changing and that isn’t going to happen with you around.

[davidk]

Hi all, just checking back in,

I agree the general opinion is that I should run away, But I don’t know if I can turn my back completely.

I do intend to try and stop letting it all get to me though and have basically accepted defeat that for all my good intentions anything I do in the family isn’t appreciated or understood, so therefore I do need to stop putting them first and think of myself more. And maybe through losing that they will realise what I was actually doing and therefore appreciate it.

Also I have this weekend told my parents and both sisters everything, In fact I sent them the link to read my story on here, so that helps as I am no longer hiding her secrets from my family.

They don’t hate her for this though as they very much accepted her into the family but they do of course agree that this behavior isn’t right which is what I need to hear as being in my girlfriends house was making me look like the mad one as seemingly no one else could see a problem

[thelostone]

but don’t you see, that is exactly what addicts do. They don’t have the capacity for rational thought – their lives are chaos, so whilst they while away their time justifying their awful behaviour and lack of accountability, you end up feeling like YOU are the problem, you are the one in the wrong, YOU are the one that’s losing your mind.. and you DO lose your mind. I suffered anxiety, panic attacks, depression and also physically trying to help my addicted partner.

Let me assure you on one thing… you withdrawing and thinking ‘they will appreciate me now, they will see what they have lost?’ WAKE UP! They will never appreciate what they’ve lost – if they loved and appreciated you, they wouldn’t be doing drugs! I accepted a long time ago my boyfriend wasn’t going to stop ‘because he loved me enough’ – if he loved me he wouldn’t have spent 2 years using crack, abusing me and lying and making me feel like I was the problem. I walked away from the man I loved most in my life.. and I continue to fend off his pathetic excuses to contact me.. because I woke up and realised.. you know what.. there will be a man out there who DOES love me, and doesn’t put drugs before me, and doesn’t lie to me, and doesn’t make me feel like I am worthless.

my partner (i imagine when he was low and coming down and had run out of drugs and money) texted me and told me how sorry he was for being so cruel… and that he never meant to hurt me… the difference was this time I didn’t respond to him and I didn’t respond to his call. What did he do? Went right back to using his crack …so he can get on with it… and sit and rue what he’s lost. But life is short and I will not waste it on a junkie anymore. I suggest you do the same and find a woman who will love and appreciate you DavidK.

[davidk]

I know what you are saying is right, its just so hard to turn away,

I don’t know how you managed to do it, especially if he still tries to contact you,

problem with my girlfriend is she is so stubborn that even if I did leave like that she still wouldn’t think she has caused any of it and would just let me walk and that would be the end of it.

yet when she isn’t possessed she seems so together and loving hence what keeps me going back for more.

currently we are speaking a bit on phone, I haven’t been round hers since the whole argument that started my post/story on the 12th.

And I do feel like we are at a point that will be very hard to move forward from if she isn’t willing to become human again, in which case I may be forced to turn away forever as I’ve just got to that point where I don’t have the strength to be the strong one anymore. Its been the worst year of my life and I cannot allow next year to be the same.

[thelostone]

I’m reading your post, and you are saying all the things I’ve said in the past. You know what I said to myself last Christmas? ‘New year, new start.. I won’t go through this again’ and yet I got to September and went through nearly another year of hell.

You say the problem is she will just let you walk and won’t see it’s her fault and that will be the end of it.. and? Please believe me when I tell you this.. an addict DOESN’T SEE that that they have a problem. You waiting for her to realise it isn’t even half of the battle. I have an addict partner who has finally accepted he is an addict, is waiting to go to rehab, has admitted our relationship break up was his fault.. has he stopped using? NO. He contacted me yesterday to tell me he’s waiting to go, is so sorry for all the hurt he caused and that he would do anything for me. I didn’t reply. But I did leave a present with a friend to give to him .. because I know that to leave him without a card or present on Xmas day would break his heart. But my kindness is no longer weakness. I won’t answer his calls, or his texts. I don’t wish to see him. He nearly destroyed me .. over and over and over.. and made me feel worthless. He lied, he was abusive, hurtful, nasty… now he realises what he’s lost.

You are currently going through a process.. one in which you’re lead by your heart. When she has broken you completely and you retreat to heal yourself, you might start thinking with your head.. you’ll have the trust and love crushed out of you maybe… but I know you have to do it at your own pace and no amount of good advice will stop you doing what your heart leads you to do. So just protect yourself, and have respect for yourself, because an addict damn sure won’t have any respect for you. She’s choosing drugs over you. You’re worth better fella x

[davidk]

I feel like I’m pretty close to completely broken now to be honest,

The fact that the kids we’re involved and I feel like it’s the 3 of them against me when it should be all of us against addiction has really put things in perspective.

It’s so hard to understand her behavior as it is so many things I would just never do,

and she always has the excuse of turning it round saying that I’m trying to control her and change her etc, and I guess to some degree that is true, but only because I want to keep the best her,

I feel like I love one of her , but this other monster in her is my enemy that I hate that steals my girlfriend away, so yeh of course I try and keep that person out of our lives.

she also talks like she thinks I like to have power, yet there is nothing I would like more than to feel she could take responsibility for herself and me to be able to stop worrying about what she might do next as I actually have no desire to control people I just want an easy life and wish people would control themselves.

[dre80]

“But my kindness is no longer weakness.

So just protect yourself, and have respect for yourself, because an addict damn sure won’t have any respect for you. She’s choosing drugs over you.”

these words were the best I could hear, the whole text!  even though it is not for me, but for our friend, I thank you because it was for me, yes.  They have no empathy, and don’t pretend to have it.  In the 5 months with this boy, addicted to cocaine, it was just manipulation, she is right!  they talk about getting out of it sometimes, but it’s about false moralism.  I discovered yesterday that because of his actions since he was a teenager, from what he told me, that he has antisocial disorder, that is, he is a beautiful sociopathic / psychopathic manipulator, and because he does not feel pleasure in a conventional way in the brain, they adapt empathy, adapt reactions by mirroring  and go to cocaine precisely because of the immediate and short-term pleasure they do not know how to have.  I fell into the conversation that he wanted to leave, he doesn’t want to and he won’t.  Think about what she said above, that it hurt me too, in those cases they want nothing more than pleasure and drugs!  In this addiction to this woman, she became your drug and you need to understand this abstinence and get out of addiction, facing all the bad actions of her and her children, studying the drug and their handling cycles, that’s what I did,  I do yet.  You’ve already left 7 years of your life, don’t spend another year.  He left me with 5, 6 months, last month, because I was no longer a supply, better this way, they use us, there is no empathy !!  it hurts me, but i’m in this abstinence too.  And I cheer for you, as for us all here.  Get off that drug, stop smelling “her”.  You, like me, need a woman and a sober man, who gives us everything we deserve and not crumbs of dust.  I suffer for you and me, but go ahead even hurting, out of it, she loves the drug, they have disorders, that’s why they went to the drug.  Please send news.

[dre80]

“But my kindness is no longer weakness.

So just protect yourself, and have respect for yourself, because an addict damn sure won’t have any respect for you. She’s choosing drugs over you.”

these words were the best I could hear, the whole text!  even though it is not for me, but for our friend, I thank you because it was for me, yes.  They have no empathy, and don’t pretend to have it.  In the 5 months with this boy, addicted to cocaine, it was just manipulation, she is right!  they talk about getting out of it sometimes, but it’s about false moralism.  I discovered yesterday that because of his actions since he was a teenager, from what he told me, that he has antisocial disorder, that is, he is a beautiful socio** / psyc** manipulator, and because he does not feel pleasure in a conventional way in the brain, they adapt empathy, adapt reactions by mirroring  and go to cocaine precisely because of the immediate and short-term pleasure they do not know how to have.  I fell into the conversation that he wanted to leave, he doesn’t want to and he won’t.  Think about what she said above, that it hurt me too, in those cases they want nothing more than pleasure and drugs!  In this addiction to this woman, she became your drug and you need to understand this abstinence and get out of addiction, facing all the bad actions of her and her children, studying the drug and their handling cycles, that’s what I did,  I do yet.  You’ve already left 7 years of your life, don’t spend another year.  He left me with 5, 6 months, last month, because I was no longer a supply, better this way, they use us, there is no empathy !!  it hurts me, but i’m in this abstinence too.  And I cheer for you, as for us all here.  Get off that drug, stop smelling “her”.  You, like me, need a woman and a sober man, who gives us everything we deserve and not crumbs of dust.  I suffer for you and me, but go ahead even hurting, out of it, she loves the drug, they have disorders, that’s why they went to the drug.  Please send news.

[davidk]

you hit on a good point here,

how these people must have an issue to begin with, and that’s why they turn to drugs in the first place.

I’ve often felt this about it myself, like its largely a mental health issue, combined with a drug problem and the two feed each other so well.

I also think the underlying mental health issues are largely improved when drugs are taken out of the question.

also you are right in that its like she is my drug, that I cannot let go of,

And I know I don’t deserve all the bad times, but in 7 years there has been a lot of good times too, and its those times that it is so hard to put an end to, although it is her that is ending them.

[thelostone]

That’s what they do, twist you up and leave you feeling confused, that you are the one doing wrong. I HAVE BEEN THERE! In just over two short years I had it all, the lies, the abuse, the denials, the broken promises, the JEKYLL AND HYDE. Two people and the want the loving caring beautiful person back. But as long as they want drugs, you won’t get them back .. and she isn’t anywhere near wanting to admit she has a problem so you have to walk away and heal yourself. She may never ever stop taking drugs. How many more years of your life do you want to waste? How mentally and physically ill do you want to get? Ask yourself these questions. You are trying to change a situation an addict doesn’t want to change, all she will do is fight you .. and lie to you.

I really feel for you.. because I’ve been there and have the t-shirt. My partner contacted me today.. telling me ‘everything will be ok’ in a letter. Yeah yeah, we’re nearly 3 years on and I guarantee you this, next week he will go smoke crack. Did I get a present in return (not that I expected one?) no. Why? He’s spent all his money on drugs. So I don’t contact him, don’t answer his calls, don’t reply to texts or letters. He hadn’t yet realised it, but he lost me months back, after a particularly nasty text. I decided.. NO MORE! I deserve better than this.

And so do you David. How many more years of your life do you want to give to someone so undeserving of you and your love?

[dre80]

Yes, I researched assiduously, and talked to professionals in the field, they have several adverse psychological situations, the drug is the escape valve. In my case, he has a conduct disorder, killed an animal with a friend at the age of 13, the family neglected love and only had and has money to offer. You need to understand that the more you know about their disease, the more you will see how manipulative they are, especially the good parts, read the cases here, how terrible they are, there is a husband sniffing cocaine in the car with his young son in the back!

I was raised by a narcissistic mother, so I try to hold on to the crumb of attention and love, and they like attention, and being victims (of themselves, in fact). You need to understand its mechanism of weakness, to avoid the drug, to avoid it. It’s about you, take your eyes off her for about 10 minutes, write down who you are, and who you want by your side! Don’t go through the bar door if you are an alcoholic. Understood? Apply this knowing your weakness for her, you are not her savior, and you will get lost in the process of your life by someone who wants to die on the drug.

There is a study that says that even without the drug the disorder remains in them, it is a neurological disorder, where the brain, parts of it, does not work well with empathy, sense of judgment, and feelings. Be careful, make no mistake, when they are out of drugs, they come back to her worse than before.

About the good times, I also had good times, but if you really look, it’s like 10% good and 90% bad, but yours and my reward mechanism in the brain, inverts and thinks the good times were 90% and the bad 10%, working the same way they do with cocaine: they use something that kills, that damages the brain, micro lesions with each use, liver, heart, risk of stroke, heart attack, and the hours of pleasure for them are 90% good, and the risks are 10%

When in fact, the risks are 90% and the amount of pleasure in such a short time is 10%, there is more side effect, than the pleasure it causes. But the accubens core, only makes them feel that it is very worthwhile. They have to have a huge problem, the bottom of the pit, as many have mentioned here, to improve. And a lot of willpower !!! Think, you only have one life, it’s killing hers, do you want to go along?

[thelostone]

Thank you for what you wrote.. EVERY SINGLE WORD is true.

I can only add one thing.. helping an addict is like rescuing someone from a burning building. You keep running inside to drag them out, only for them to run back inside. How many times do you want to get burnt running inside to ‘rescue’ them?

[dre80]

Our happiness is where our peace is, and is not with them.

and some of us who get involved with addicts feel tension as a form of attention and distraction from our own pain. We will not save them, who do not want this, or as has already been said, they would not be using drugs, would they? I heard from a psychoanalyst, why I felt alive in tension, and in tranquility I felt lost. My friend, look at your pain, and use those efforts that I would put into it, put in yourself. Do you know why? why she would never do that for you! and you know this. It is a one-way relationship. And she is related to the drug, and you are with the rest of her. I spent this little time, 5-6 months, go out while you are healthy and can meet someone nice. But be careful, so as not to try to be the savior of anyone else, we are not responsible for adults who do not want anything good for themselves. Be selfish, as this woman is too. Take care of yourself!

[dre80]

Our happiness is where our peace is, and is not with them.

and some of us who get involved with addicts feel tension as a form of attention and distraction from our own pain. We will not save them, who do not want this, or as has already been said, they would not be using drugs, would they? I heard from a psychoanalyst, why I felt alive in tension, and in tranquility I felt lost. My friend, look at your pain, and use those efforts that I would put into it, put in yourself. Do you know why? why she would never do that for you! and you know this. It is a one-way relationship. And she is related to the drug, and you are with the rest of her. I spent this little time, 5-6 months, go out while you are healthy and can meet someone nice. But be careful, so as not to try to be the savior of anyone else, we are not responsible for adults who do not want anything good for themselves. Be selfish, as this woman is too. Take care of yourself!

[davidk]

you have hit on something I have often wondered there,

is there something in me that attracted me to the chaos?

Did I subconsciously want to try and save someone?

Is that just my nature and would I just repeat it,

and part of me thinks that the strong do need to help those weaker, but you get no thanks for it.

consciously it isn’t what I think I want at all,

and within myself I feel quite at peace,

I also believe in a type of love that perhaps doesn’t exist,

I’m not the most selfless person in normal standards but for the few people I keep close to me I really would do anything.

and that very much does feel one sided.

especially when time and again you come second to drugs.

[thelostone]

You’re not responsible for whether she sinks or swims.

Remember one thing; not my circus, not my monkeys.

Enjoy your peace of mind and your own space. Your sadness won’t last forever.

[davidk]

your advice as helped me to take on this outlook so thank you.

[thelostone]

You’re not responsible for whether she sinks or swims.

Remember one thing; not my circus, not my monkeys.

Enjoy your peace of mind and your own space. Your sadness won’t last forever.

[thelostone]

Sadly I’ve been where you are David. And from what I’ve read, you are worth so much more. You really can’t help an I addict until they decide to help themselves. You just waste your time a s they absolutely drain you along the way. You have to be strong for yourself, and step away. Until she loses the things she values and accepts that she has a problem, you’re fighting a battle you can never win. Step back, reclaim your sanity and look after yourself. You will get there fella x

[davidk]

it is so hard to watch such self destruction,

especially as she is a functioning substance abuser, like she does hold down a job etc,

I think if someones life is a total mess like on heroin where it takes their whole life away that maybe its easier to accept but because with coke/weed and alcohol we still see so much of the good side its harder to let go of it, and of course it breaks my heart to think of her getting worse but I do kind of accept that all the support in the world can’t change some people’s destiny.

[thelostone]

Ultimately, and I know it’s hard to accept, but she’s choosing junk over you. Drugs. If someone loves you, you come first. If you’re not happy, and she won’t stop.. it shows what you she values more.

Imagine if you found someone who loves you the way you love.

[thelostone]

Ultimately, and I know it’s hard to accept, but she’s choosing junk over you. Drugs. If someone loves you, you come first. If you’re not happy, and she won’t stop.. it shows what you she values more.

Imagine if you found someone who loves you the way you love.

[dre80]

your advice to our friend, it serves me so much that it thrills me. I am no longer with him, but inside me, I would like to not be alone receiving his crumbs. But I am thrilled to read your sentences, you are a very strong person, thank you for indirectly helping me here in Brazil. I cheer a lot for our friend, David, you are very special, 1 day at a time go like me, fighting for the abstinence of this drug, which is this broken relationship, they just want dopamine, and they use idealization, with the drug, and we’ll get rid of idealizing them too.

????????????

[thelostone]

I’m glad if I have been able to help anyone with my words. Hope we can all be strong enough to move on and move forward with our lives, and find someone we deserve, who doesn’t treat us like we are worthless. We are all worth so much more.

[l54321]

We had the first ‘normal’ day in a week or so, played monopoly with the kids, he hasn’t drunk and he went to a meeting tonight. I’ve told him if he misses a meeting I’m finding him alternative accommodation, not just if he drinks but if he steps off from help. Then the conversation was ‘so you’re going to kick me out of the house I pay for’ (rented by the way) and so I told him he won’t need to pay for it as I will do it myself, get help with benefits, I work full time as well and I will rent out a room so I don’t need his money at all. To be honest I’d rather be skint as a single mum again than go through this continuing cycle, I’ve done it before and I can do it again not a problem! Then it was just him suggesting that I just want to move another man in and replace him, such crap.

The other thing he’s been going on about is that 17 years ago I was drugged and raped by a guy I worked with – not that long after my first alcoholic relationship ended, I put myself in situations and so blamed myself and never reported it. He’s repeatedly asking who the guy is so he can ‘sort him out ‘ it’s just trying to deflect again from what he’s done, I know that but it’s horrible being questioned and feeling cheap and nasty having to relive what happened.

Yes they are definitely the victims and always will be!

How’s the sleep going? Any better?

[davidk]

managed to sleep a bit earlier last night, and set an early alarm this morning to force myself awake so I’ll hopefully be tired tonight

I feel more numb about it all now, but i’m sure once I see her and am back in the thick of it all it will bring it all rushing back, but being apart from it I am blocking it out and not really thinking so much about it as the days go on.

so if he pays towards the rent and has money, wouldn’t he be able to find another place to live without the homeless shelter thing.

that’s good he’s going to meetings now though, and that they are actually open at the minute, I assumed you are in UK, where a lot is not in tier 4, which I imagie would mean a lot of services are closed or online only.

anyway, hopefully he will stick with the help, hopefully it means he does want to sort it out and isn’t just doing it to keep you quiet,

things have a funny way of reverting though, pretty much every time I’ve felt we we’re making progress it gets undone one way or another later on, and like I say, she is so good at acting normal and like nothing ever happened that it is just shocking how all the damage seems to only exist in your own head.

[l54321]

I assume you have time off work at the moment due to Christmas period? It’s easy to get into a habit of late nights and sleeping in if you can’t get to sleep at night and then don’t have work the next morning to keep your routine. I’m in the same routine at the moment and will be shattered when I’m back to work again on the 4th.

You sound tired in your words.

It seems that they have to be selfish to aid their recovery, and I understand that you have to help yourself before you can help others, but when they are hell bent on destroying theirs and everyone else’s they are also being incredibly selfish, it seems that they are just allowed to be selfish and that’s ok. Explaining how what they have done has damaged us, is apparently not helpful to them so we have to essentially put up with whatever happens. It’s bizarre how everything basically seems to revolve around them.

He pays the rent yes but the money we have in the bank is to pay for rent and bills in a few days time so if he screws up before his following payday it’s the homeless shelter, I think the kids are more important than him and he has no access to the money now, harsh maybe.

Hopefully he will stick with it but I will not be holding my breath. He doesn’t approve of my speaking on here either, he seems to think it’s some date site and not anonymous at all, it’s just the brain that’s lagging now evidently!

[davidk]

its funny, I often wondered what would happen if our partners found this site and read this, whether it would make them wake up and realise what they are doing, or turn it the other way around and act like we are in the wrong and aking a mountain out of a molehill.

so has yours actually read anything on here?

as for work, I have been on furlough since April, and don’t imagine I will be back to work properly whilst furlough schemes are in place as we have hardly any work,

they call people in as and when needed, and I’ve gone in about 6 days since April, the guy who used to do my job is in full time, so he can cover the small amount of work in my department so it’s not cost effective for them to get me in, bit unfair for the people who are in,

to be honest the amount of stress this year has had I don’t know if being at work would have helped me (by getting away from it all) or made it worse (as I would have to leave to go to work and then would worry what she could do).

time will tell I guess.

[dre80]

“what would happen if our partners found this site and read this, whether it would make them wake up and realise what they are doing, or turn it the other way around”

Hello my friend!

I once read a heavy testimony from that blog, to the ex, and he didn’t care much, he pretended to empathize and said that if cocaine was a person he would also kill it (just repeating what the guy in the story said). They are not moved, the sense of empathy really goes away. Even more so in him, that I discovered psychopathy. Well, coming in the new year, I’m going to stay home, and he must be with his family and his older brother, an alcoholic, who he’s already punched in the face. Day 04 I also go back to work, I really understand that working doesn’t help dissipate thoughts so much, right? I stalk his instagram and nothing, he looked at my stories but these 2 days ago and nothing! and on the face he didn’t put anything, I’m looking if someone from his city there, marks him in some photo haha. He only uses it because in DMs he talks to girls, as I saw one day, on the day of the assault that he bit me saying he was unintentionally. Uhum. I hope that you will recover, that we will dispel your worries about them! I was attached to the troubled routine to see him … and not be alone. God help us beloved, to spend more days and they do not take our thoughts.

[thelostone]

I got the impression you had broken away from your partner Dre80, as you seem so self aware and also aware of addiction and how it works. Are you still emotionally tied to them?

I once mentioned to a friend how many days I’d not seen my partner and she said ‘listen to yourself, counting the days – like an addict.’ And that’s what it is, an addiction. Only ours isn’t to drugs or alcohol or some illicit substance, it’s to a toxic person, an unhealthy relationship. I wonder, how many times have we been baffled how our loved one can keep going back to someone so unhealthy and damaging to them.

May I ask you guys this… have you experienced any of the following as a result of your relationship with an addict:

* disturbed sleep pattern

* disturbed appetite

* Stress/anxiety/depression/low sense of self-worth/low esteem

* physical illness (stomach problems/headaches/loss of appetite)

* mood swings

* mental decline

* financially impacted

* your work/family life affected

I’m gonna hazard a guess and say you have experienced pretty much all of the above. All of the above are some of the symptoms of drug abuse.

Shocked?

I experienced all of the above in three years of fighting to help an addict. I was less with such a low sense of worth that when a man paid me a compliment, I started crying. I believed I was worthless. I had put up with abuse, anger, mood swings, lies, disappointment – and my health (mental and physical) suffered.. declined.. until I was so weak I could take no more. I’ve never suffered physical abuse but mental abuse can be so much more long lasting.

I have walked away. My partner is waiting to go into rehab and still texts me. He has called me twice. I don’t answer his calls. I don’t answer his texts. I won’t see him or speak to him. I have REMOVED his ability to abuse me, because I simply won’t engage with him now. He will NEVER get another opportunity to sit in a restaurant and – in front of friends – tell me I ‘might as well f*** off’… he will never get the chance to lie to me. I will never again be on the end of his mood swings or his pathetic excuses or lies.

I rebuild myself each day and I pray for you guys on here, that you also find the strength to do the same, before you waste anymore of your precious life.

[davidk]

Hi,

you are so correct with all your advice,

it just doesn’t counter act against our hearts sadly,

I know and I’m sure most partners do that we are staying with someone who wont treat us right and fairly as we treat them, yet it is so hard to break away.

in your 3 years with the partner though you felt this too, and I guess you were pushed beyond taking it anymore at 3 years, but we all have different amounts we will take and time limits, I’m sure I’ve read some stories on here from people that have spent a lifetime with their addicted partners.(and still wont leave)

For me I don’t know what will come next,

This time away from her and chatting on here has certainly made me open my eyes a lot whereas I think normally when you are constantly in the middle of it all you never really get the headspace to think how I have been able to these past few weeks.

My first step isn’t leaving her yet, but I certainly intend to take a step back, I will spend a lot more time at home, and all the things I was trying to control to in effect control her addiction I have now given up on.

I no longer want to see bank statements etc or try and catch her out for stuff,

if she is lying and doing stuff then it will only be a matter of time before that will become apparent and I no longer feel like anything I do will actually make a difference to things one way or the other.

I also now feel that if things do go to shit, the kids can bail her out with their money as they haven chosen to side with her addiction rather than me looking out for them so I no longer feel any sense of duty to them.

I also no longer view the house as my future home, I view it as her house and am currently looking into options for myself in terms of getting a place of my own.

So with these measures in place, I don’t know how long a relationship like that will be sustained, but the previous method couldn’t be sustained either.

and from your list, its mostly sleep that all this effects with me, I lay in bed at night and then my mind starts endless conversations going over and over everything, all the things me and her need to say but never do because its too impossible.

[thelostone]

oh trust me, yes I’ve been there. The sleepless nights, the heartache, the sadness, the frustration. When you love an addict, anger is your best friend. I used to do all that – catching him out, prove he’s lying.. find stuff to show he’s still using… I would try and track him down in drug dens, constantly ring his phone when I knew he was using – and even contacting him when I knew I’d get nothing but junk-fuelled abuse.

Can you maybe see the insanity of trying to catch a liar in a lie? They spend their lives lying, it’s second nature to them. You catching them changes nothing. We do it simply to prove to OURSELVES we know they are lying, because they are not going to admit to it. I’ve found drug numbers on my partner’s phone, showed him them and he’s STILL denied it. Please stop wasting your time expecting an addict to suddenly start being honest with you. One thing that helped me when I was breaking away was to keep saying to myself ‘not my problem’ … or look at it this way.. not my monkey, not my circus.

You have NO duty to her. NONE. ZERO. Mothers have walked away from addict sons.. because they cannot help them. Until the day (that may never come) that they admit they are an addict and want to change, we cannot change them or help them. Bailing them out of problems is enabling them and will only encourage further use.

I didn’t know when I would EVER walk away. Maybe I still haven’t. At one point I never thought I would. Ever. But very quickly I saw that he wasn’t going to change, and I realised I’d heard all the same excuses and lies before.. too many times. Right now, I have peace of mind, I sleep well, eat well and exercise. All of this is crucial to reclaiming your sanity and getting your life back. But I know only too well you are at your own stage of your journey and no one can push you along quicker. No one.

Try this little exercise for sleep… sit down each night before bedtime and list/express anything that is worrying/hurting you. Then acknowledge that you cannot change the things that are caused by others, but that you can change how you deal with them.. and send it all off into the universe. Let it float up like a prayer, and accept that a higher power will listen and deal with it in time.

Here if you need any advice or support. You are not alone. x

[davidk]

thanks again for your ongoing support,

I feel like I am certainly feeling closer to the stage you are at,

I guess I’m trying to keep the best of both worlds, wanting to still have contact to some degree whilst emotionally taking a step back and accepting things are out of my hands.

I do look after myself otherwise too, apart from the sleep issue at the minute I am eating normal and one of the main things I enjoy about this furlough time is being able to extend my usual exercise routine as normally any morning routine is strictly tied to the clock to leave for work, so taking the day at a better pace is great. so over the course of furlough my routine keeps getting longer with new yoga type moves etc, I can’t do the splits yet but I can put my head on my knees etc so I’m keeping pretty flexible.

I will try that to improve the sleep, hopefully it is getting better anyway as I’m coming to terms with things more and also keep setting an alarm to force me awake earlier in the morning too.

hope you have a good new year and 2021 is a positive year for us all, it surely can’t get much worse than 2020 can it?

[dre80]

Yes, we have no duty to them, they are adults themselves and responsible for their own decisions! I am responsible for mine, and who comes to dictate my rules? addicted? we cannot allow this anymore.

Me too, having to occupy myself, the bad thing was the rejection, I even stayed there after he talked about the addiction, I got hurt, I should have jumped out, yes, each one has a time limit, and he jumped out long before the age of 5 months, but with 5 he reached the limit of wanting freedom, do not cover yourself too much, but do not allow yourself to enter the wheel of the ramster and comfort zone. I am happy that you sleep better, eat well, and do activity, all these days I went out a lot to walk alone, if you lived in Brazil, I would walk with you both 🙂 to whom I have great empathy and affection.

I have been writing my frustration in the diary, I read aloud, I speak to God and I cry sometimes. It will pass friends … faith.

[dre80]

We have to reinforce the negative aspects, someone using drugs is already negative in itself. The abuses, the humiliations, the lack of appreciation. Yes, every day I believe it will be easier for all of us. I will be happy when I exclude him from things, as he has women who have flirted on his social media, grotesque.

Yeah, I’ll do that… about social media, try to keep distance…it doesn’t update, but I end up getting anxious. 🙂 the best for us.

[thelostone]

listen dre, stop blaming yourself, and stop beating yourself up. If it takes time for you to break away from him, as it is for David, it is because you are not ready. We all do things at our own pace, and this is your journey so you can only go at your own pace.

Once you start to reclaim your peace of mind, and can think straight, you will start to see your own self worth. Once this happens, it because difficult to accept someone disrespecting you. So try to now look after yourself. Put yourself first.

I don’t feel I am in pain. I have past that now. I’m angry.. and proud. I won’t be abused ever again by him, or anyone else.

This year can be the new start you need to make the changes to get free of him and start to live your life. Stop torturing yourself. x

[dre80]

He walked physically from me, because he was already bored at the end of November, I was sending some messages because of the fear of HPV, it was just fun, but acting like a boyfriend hurt me because I invested, I also had an ambiguity because of his actions not hitting with what he said about not wanting to date, I think that saved me a little bit 🙂 because I was left behind, but invested, stressed and invested .. that hurt me, and STDs, right? He is there in his city, probably with some woman, because he is charming, and he plays that loving shy game. I want to release him in my mind, from indignation with me, yes, stop blaming me, thank you dear. My will was revenge, but the drug, the bad relations, he will have and already has a lot of problems, lack of genuine love, but it belongs to God.

I’m listing my qualities again here in the diary, writing the limits to meet someone this year, and I don’t want to break them, as you said, it will be difficult for someone to abuse us. This pain makes us stronger, at the cost of so much disappointment, you know.

“This year could be the new start you need to make the changes to get rid of it and start living your life. Stop torturing yourself.” I liked his sentence so much, crying here :,)

[davidk]

hello dre80,

thanks for keeping in touch on my story,

sorry to hear your partner is still causing you quite a bit of worry,

as others have said, we do need to try and overcome our own addiction to the person,

maybe you should attempt to force yourself to take a set period of time away from social media so you aren’t winding yourself up checking his instagram etc,

easier said than done I know, but I think these things get easier with time, so set a small window like decide now to let new years pass without looking again until midday tomorrow, and then by that time tomorrow you might feel like you can stay away longer,

try and have a good evening and I hope next year is a positive one for you.

[dre80]

Yeah…. I will try to do that haha, laughing of nervous here.

We have to reinforce the negative aspects, someone using drugs is already negative in itself. The abuses, the humiliations, the lack of appreciation. Yes, every day I believe it will be easier for all of us. I will be happy when I exclude him from things, as he has women who have flirted on his social media, grotesque.

[davidk]

Hi, how are things going.

Haven’t heard from you for a while,

hope the silence is because things have improved for you.

[l54321]

I have ruined tonight because I have the audacity to talk to people on here. My bad, I didn’t see that my actions were so detrimental to everyone else’s lives! Everything has been good, he’s still sober but I am waiting for the time he is not. He is re-enacting Xmas lunch tomorrow, doesn’t want me to help him. He’s huffing coming in the kitchen every now and then because I started messaging again on here. He’s had no alcohol I admit to having a couple glasses of wine. Am I totally shit because I’ve done that, he’s not angry about the wine just that I’m talking on here. Suddenly I don’t know what to think it do and that I am bad.

[davidk]

glad to hear he is still staying sober,

shame coming on here caused trouble, maybe you shouldn’t tell him,

after all this is a space for partners to get away from the trouble so its a shame coming on here creates more trouble for you.

god knows what my girlfriend would think if she read all this, it hardly defends her case as I am the only one making excuses for her and even I’m running out of excuses.

[l54321]

I can honestly tell you when he had his last spell of shiteness he bestowed upon himself and us, I snap shot every message, that I and only I only posted as I wanted him to know how I felt, and he never once mentioned anything I said afterwards. He’s annoyed I’m talking to people on here and says that I have friends that I can talk to so don’t need to do it, it’s untrustworthy and you could track down where I am and who I am – not just you, the lovely lady I was speaking to in November, the sex doesn’t matter as they could be lying!

Truth is if I speak to my friend as I was this evening that he has met many times, while he was on an zoom call for AA, he doesn’t like that either. It’s the disease of addiction I suppose.

Being furloughed must have been a blessing in so many ways with what you are going through as it’s exhausting, but what has kept me going is I have to get up for work and carry on regardless, it’s a double edged sword really and definitely no winning for us. Tired, have to keep moving, shattered and don’t know how to, somehow we just do. X

[davidk]

wow it sounds like he is super paranoid,

I don’t know how on earth you would track someone down on here, apart from if they told you, and even that is against forum rules so the post would get removed.

also there is people all over the world on here, as you may have noticed one of the other posters on this thread is in brazil, so you might not even be speaking to someone in the same country as you, and then after all that is put aside he assumed people want a blind date.

on the other hand he probably just doesn’t like it because you are talking to other people who are against what he is doing and helping you be stronger towards what he is doing, so that is a threat to him.

He does seem to accuse you of a lot though.

I don’t care if he reads my posts, after all , I don’t believe it would be very easy for him to hunt me down ha.

furlough time has been nice really as the one thing we are always short of in life is time, so having quality time like you would never expect until you retire is nice, shame the world is in such a mess to create this situation and will probably never be the same again, but from a personal selfish point of view I cant complain about being paid 80% to stay at home.shame I spent so much of that time at her house doing things to make the house nice etc even though its pretty much unappreciated but if I’m still off for a couple more months yet I intend to have this remaining time for myself.

[l54321]

Lol he wasn’t so much thinking of hunting someone down, more paranoid someone could hunt me down I think ha. The paranoid bit is frustrating for me but just the repercussions of abusing yourself with alcohol over a period rather than a complete norm for him. He has always been a little jealous to be fair but some of the crap he’s come out with the last few days has been laughable, just as well I have a sense of humour. He lost his wedding ring putting the rubbish out two nights ago so had to bring it all back in and spent an hour searching through rubbish yesterday, he was quite upset at losing it at the time and I just had a chuckle to myself haha. He did find it eventually.

That’s the trouble you feel totally unappreciated, you’ve spent time and money and put your heart into something that you considered your future with her. It will feel quite devastating at the moment. But I am glad you’re enjoying your furlough, life didn’t furlough me because I’m not disciplined enough to be as proactive like you lol. Sleeping any better? We’ve just moved to tier 4 restrictions today so life is getting tougher to do things, assuming you’re probably the same as most of the country is in 4 now, shocking year generally without the crap we’ve had on top. I’d ask if you’re doing anything nice for new year’s but that would be a joke in itself! I’ll just be glad to get to 2021 and have a degree of hope it’ll be better.

I imagine your lady, if she still is, will probably see it in in some style, well haze anyway. I have a sober repentant man here at the moment, he’s attended meetings every night, got a sponsor and I’ve spoken with a social worker that called and she was satisfied I’ve protected the girls and that he’s just useless when he drinks rather than angry and abusive – all true – so she’s closed the case. I did tell her if it ever came to a choice between him and the girls there is no contest!

[davidk]

glad to hear things are calming down a bit for you now and social worker stuff is all sorted.

I’m actually going to see my girlfriend tonight, I don’t know if she will be drinking etc or what, obviously with lock down there isn’t anything much anyone can do to celebrate this year anyway.

lets hope 2021 is an improvement for all of us here.

[thelostone]

if he is flirting on social media, he doesn’t respect you. And if you don’t respect yourself, he certainly won’t have any respct for you. Trust me, try to block him on all fronts.. cut off contact, and just give yourself time to recover and think. Don’t ruminate on things (like looking through texts, photos)… accept the pain but know it will pass.

Try an app called Mend, which is good for anxiety. It has some useful tools.

[thelostone]

if he is flirting on social media, he doesn’t respect you. And if you don’t respect yourself, he certainly won’t have any respct for you. Trust me, try to block him on all fronts.. cut off contact, and just give yourself time to recover and think. Don’t ruminate on things (like looking through texts, photos)… accept the pain but know it will pass.

Try an app called Mend, which is good for anxiety. It has some useful tools.

[thelostone]

if he is flirting on social media, he doesn’t respect you. And if you don’t respect yourself, he certainly won’t have any respct for you. Trust me, try to block him on all fronts.. cut off contact, and just give yourself time to recover and think. Don’t ruminate on things (like looking through texts, photos)… accept the pain but know it will pass.

Try an app called Mend, which is good for anxiety. It has some useful tools.

[dre80]

Mend… I’ll look right now.. 🙂

Yeah, he was flirting as with me, just one girl he said that was with someone (me), but because she was very needy on him…

Just because of the diseases, he is a bad bad man… that’s why I “was” (I’m gonna put that way) punishing me for being so … aff.

“Accept the pain…try to block him on all fronts”, he will not care, but this will be important to me.

I’ll come back to yoga at home as our friend, that do things I don’t do yet haha the head at the knees, congrats friend haha..

Thank you for supporting us from that addiction of these people.

[davidk]

Hi All,

hope everyone had a good new year, although considering why we are all here I imagine many people had a bad time with partners like ours huh.

so I wanted to update my story,

New years eve was the first time I had gone back to my partner properly since 12th December, (due to argument and then her isolating with covid, I did see her briefly outside dropping of presents etc)

She had been acting normal on the phone in the meantime and acting pleased I would finally be returning to her. This is her usual behavior at these times to pretend things are normal as this means not facing the issue and pretending there isn’t one.

So needless to say new years eve she was drinking and smoking weed, but I didn’t say anything, and she seemed to be treating it as an end of year blow out and had already independently of me made positive plans to try and start next year good with ideas for good things she could be doing with her time.

So around lunch time new years day whilst I was hanging various pictures up for her around the house I was surprised to hear her say she was going out to buy some weed.

So rather than starting the year good she has immediately gone back on her intentions and is now buying it whereas before she seemed to think smoking her daughters stuff together with her made it somehow more acceptable.

needless to say she got all defensive and was back on the whole “I’ll do what I want and if you don’t like it then don’t stay with me” type attitude.

I went on to tell her at this point how her problems are no longer a secret and all my family knows and also that I am looking into buying my own home as she’s made it quite clear that the future we have been making together she is hell bent on destroying.

any normal person would surely feel upset by this, that they have destroyed all the future of dreams. but of course she doesn’t see any of this, she even says its probably for the best etc, which just rubs salt in the wound that I have basically spent 7 years wasting my time for someone who doesn’t even have any humane emotion.

I also explained how I no longer have any responsibility towards her kids as they clearly don’t see any of the good things I have done for the last 7 years to try and make life better for all 3 of them and she has turned them against me anyway in order to protect herself and her drug use, and I have basically been played as bad cop so she can make herself look good.

I managed to stay with her till today, but watching her and her daughter smoking weed together day and night, even before midday etc was to much to stand and earlier today I lost it again and got upset and tried to appeal to the girlfriend that I know exists somewhere underneath all this hatred.

of course this was a waste of time as when they are possessed like this you just cannot get through at all.

they are no doubt glad I have left as the drugs can win and they can do them without me telling them what they are doing is utterly wrong and immoral.

No doubt without me there they are telling themselves its great to not have me there judging them etc and they can keep telling each other what they are doing is fine.

The cupboards are already looking pretty empty as I’m sure her bank is too but I guess they are too used to living in chaos to care or notice how much better it was when I was trying to help their mum hold these things together and not be constantly running out of everything and buying the bare minimum because most the money needs to be spent on essential drugs.

also I am pretty certain she has been using coke again over this period of us being apart, and I’m sure her daughter would change her tune then but what point is there in me proving that to her. I didn’t even bother to accuse my girlfriend of coke but there is various telltale signs and I wonder if the whole weed thing is almost just a decoy, as it works well to keep the kids on side if they think I’m just getting mad about weed.

I have now taken most of my belongings from her house and left,I don’t know what comes next, I’ve left it with basically saying I cannot be there watching this and that I hope she can sort herself out but I think she needs professional help.

I did say a lot before leaving trying to get it all of my chest but its all pointless though as I’m sure all she’s thinking throughout is how much easier her drug use will be without me there making her feel guilty about it because that really is the bottom line.

She will lose me for drugs but never the other way around.

In the 3 days I was back she was smoking weed with her daughter every day of it.

after weeks apart and being so pleased to have me back you would think any normal person might let you have at least one day of peace but of course not, I swear she was sent to punish me and the fact that the kids hearing me in utter despair yet still think I’m somehow the bad guy just breaks my heart that they are so blind when they should be on my side about wanting to stop their mum having a drug problem.

In that house words are just useless as my words are up against that of a professional liar and manipulator I.E drug addict.

I could write a book on the things I have done for them, and all those good things mean nothing to them because I also hate her drug addiction. It is so messed up that their brains are all this unreal. I’m driving myself insane trying to rationalise the complete irrational.

[thelostone]

hi David,

when you understand the nature of addiction it makes it easier to accept a lot of things. You learn not to take it so personally, and it doesn’t hurt so much. But the facts are, an addict will always choose drugs over you. Always. And as long as they are doing drugs, you are wasting oxygen trying to reason and rationalise with them. You will drive YOURSELF insane.

I can guarantee you this though, she will get bored and try to reconnect with you. When she runs out of money, when she gets low, when the drugs wear off and reality starts flooding back and she feels guilty and lonely, she will reach out. And like a fool, a kind person things ‘Ahh, she does love me really.’

Your girlfriend sounds like she is a million miles away from even wanting to acknowledge that she has a problem. So right now, you are simply wasting your life and allowing it to make you deeply unhappy. May I give you a comparison?

I was with my partner through the ‘I don’t have a problem’ stage – to ‘I will get help one day’ – to where he is now.. waiting to go into a rehab centre and knowing he needs help. But guess what.. he is still using. Because that is the nature of addition. Two months ago, he tried to reconnect with me.. came to my leisure centre… I walked out. He texted me.. apologising for the abuse and for being so cruel.. I ignored him. He tried to call me. I didn’t answer. He will go quiet for a few days when he gets his drugs, uses.. then he runs out of money and reaches out again. It is a very common cycle – and they are using the people that love them as much as they are using the drugs.

She’s almost certainly doing coke, which is far more addictive that weed, and if she has no money that is your answer right there. You being there, doing things for her.. providing for her. You know what you’re doing? You are condoning her behaviour of you. You are saying you accept the way she is treating you. Thats the message you are sending out. ‘He will be back.’ ‘Click my fingers and he will come running.’

My partner has bombarded me with texts over xmas and new year – asking if I will be here after his rehab, and if I will please answer him.

I didn’t answer one single message or call. He will NEVER get the opportunity to abuse me again – sending me shitty messages and calling me names when he’s in a drugs comedown. NEVER AGAIN!

Whatever stage you are at right now David, keep going. Keep building on that strength and resolve. There is a better life out there for you (and me). A loving woman that will love you, support you, appreciate you, and give yoiu honesty and respect.

x

[davidk]

thanks for the response,

I expect you almost knew this latest part of my story was coming.

its all such textbook behavior, on the part of both the drug user and me the partner. (but is the kids behavior normal??)

Things are certainly at an all time worst, so I guess that means I am in a weird way getting stronger as in the past I would have carried on trying and trying to fix it whereas this time I have got my stuff and left.

I also do completely intend to get my own home etc which does pretty much make it clear that that isn’t an empty threat and she really has destroyed the “home” we were making.

I think I am a very loving person and I am always left wanting more because she can never give me back the same level as I give out, it is all very one sided and I must be insane to keep putting myself through this, but here I am.

[dre80]

friend, i’m also empath, solicitous, and i deliver more than they give me and yes, waiting for a return. But with them, this return cannot come, for me it didn’t come in 5 months, only heartbreak and crumbs. Unilateral indeed. I remember that 2 months ago, he was in the kitchen with me, just talking about him, tiredness, company, family, I thought: wow, isn’t he just talking about him all these months? I don’t like it anymore, he talks almost as if alone too, he wouldn’t even need me, .. and I thought about finishing. Well, here I am, to tell you that for them only cocaine is enough, there is no human relationship that is of satisfaction to them, only by manipulation sometimes, and selfishness. Why surrender to someone who doesn’t see you? can’t you count on her? they only think about them, because the drug removes empathy, and you would only be useful if it could smell you. It sounds like a joke, but that’s what I thought about me ok? now it is freeing the mind as our friend says, stone .. who gave us precious advice. I put myself in your place, because I am loving too but we cannot babysit two manipulative adults. To choose much better in the next person, if there is someone like us in the world, who is dedicated, we can meet someone who is dedicated to us too. There is the frustration of having given so much, to someone who gave almost nothing, it irritates me a lot, but we deserve something much better. You deserve.

[davidk]

sounds like we share a very similar frustration.

thankfully you only had 5 months of it,

imagine 7 years , and then its like you got even more to be giving up as it feels like you have thrown away 7 years, but I know in reality I should be seeing it the other way around and protecting myself from wasting another 7.

but somehow are brains think by making it somehow work then it would have been worth persevering.

totally agree, they make everything about themselves, they are the most hard done by people in the world.

Of course we sound the same because of them ha.

[thelostone]

You sound like you are anti drugs, as I am. So this is a relationship that will never work. And you have to accept that everything has a beginning AND an end. You are trying to rescue a wreckage. And I think you know you can never trust her again, or have a future with her. The he’d part is admitting this to yourself.

[davidk]

you are so right,

as a result of this relationship I am very anti drugs,

to the point I often joke that I would happily shoot every drug dealer dead for all the misery they spread.

I guess prior to this relationship I hadn’t ever had such first hand experience of how bad the effect of addiction is.

I’ve been trying to rescue a wreckage from day one if I’m honest with myself.

I often think the only thing I can trust her to do is break my heart again and again.

I’d certainly never be able to trust much else.

[thelostone]

As I said, you will get there David. I done nearly 3 years with my partner. There comes a time where you truly realise your own self worth and can see a time when you find someone that loves you and respects you and doesn’t put you second. I saw a perfect quote recently..

As I was fighting for you, I realized I was fighting to be lied to; fighting to be taken for granted; fighting to be disappointed; and fighting to be hurt again…so I started fighting to let go.

If ever a quote summed up my relationship that is it. Why was I fighting for? An abusive angry moody unreliable dishonest weak junkie. No thanks. Rather be alone then unhappy. The peace of mind is priceless.

[dre80]

“I often think the only thing I can trust her to do is break my heart again and again.”

“Why was I fighting for? An abusive angry moody unreliable dishonest weak junkie. No thanks. Rather be alone then unhappy. The peace of mind is priceless.”

Uauuu, I’m learning a lot about self value here, who could imagine that, after a junkie didn’t want to be with me anymore, I would have a lot of lessons about self worth. Great !! I’m so thankful.

And David, like stone said, is not worthy spend time helping them. Maybe you have to see as I trying to do, to find the sense of your life and this hole that should not be fulfilled by a selfish woman! If we try to love ourselves more, as I trying to do, you will se that will be less space for them. Step by step…

And if you write that you have for sure that she would break your heart again and again, that’s true, they don’t not what is love, because they kill themselves every day, each use of this drug, and yeah.. would be nice that drug dealers not exist.

Do something ???? take note of this thoughts, the bad things, and read out loud, our friend stone she made it, 3 years uuuhuuu.. make efforts for you, be selfish, you deserve it, buy things for you. I’m doing this..trying, and yeah, 5 months thank God, but don’t let this steal your life another year ok?

[davidk]

thanks thelostone and dre80.

of course I can see the logic in all this, that I am not being fair to myself by letting myself be treated this way,

but I guess its so hard to let go because its like I have 2 girlfriends, the addict and the person who seems like my other half, like we are meant to be,

letting go of the addict would be easy as I hate the addict, but because there is constant glimpses of the human it keeps me hooked.

the whole situation is so messed up, and because addicts are so good at twisting things and lying you almost think it is yourself that is at fault, so I guess that makes some sense of the blindness on the part of the kids, if I even have doubts myself then their mum’s words probably do make them believe the problem with the relationship is me being “up tight”.

its like “mum and David are arguing again because David is such a dick trying to control mum”, whereas trying to stop someone being controlled by addiction couldn’t be further from the truth,

I actually pointed out to her today that if I really was trying to control people surely I would be utilizing the controlling powers of drugs myself and be only too glad to have her under the control of a drug, this is after all how most cults work.

but there I go again trying to rationalize the irrational.

a few quotes that sum up the addict

“they would swear black is white”

“they would screw up paradise”.

yet I cant stop myself trying to reason with someone like this. grrrrr.

[thelostone]

the sad thing is, I’ve been posting on here for well over a year, and if you check some of my previous posts you will see that I’ve written pretty much the things you’ve written above David.

For ‘two girlfriends’ find my post where I describe my partner as Dr Jeykll and Mr Hyde. Which is why it’s so sad and so difficult to let go. When he isn’t on drugs, my partner is loving, affectionate, reliable, funny.. he’s everything I fell in love with. Which is why I find it so pathetic when he tries to deny using drugs. Because I KNOW. I can hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes.. I get a moody, aggressive, rude and arrogant fool.. a ghost. And he actually tries to deny what I can see with my own eyes.. lies in front of my face.

‘because addicts are so good at twisting things and lying you almost think it is yourself that is at fault’ – I don’t need to change any of those words. I’ve written them myself David. Feel like you’re going mad? That’s what they do. They believe their own lies and their own justifications, so you are WASTING OXYGEN. STOP ARGUING AND STOP TRYING TO RATIONALISE WITH AN ADDICT.

“they would swear black is white” – I’ve shown my partner his own phone, with his dealer’s number in it (again) after he changed his number and got rid of all his drug contacts. I showed him on his own phone the drug people.. he denied it.

What I can tell you is this.. what you are going through is perfectly normal for someone trying to love an addict. You’re not going mad. You are however outnumbered by your partner and her family, who are enabling and colluding in her drug use. So you have no chance. She is nowhere near wanting to acknowledge her addiction, which means she is a million miles away from wanting to stop and get help. She may NEVER want to stop – have you considered that? Because it doesn’t sound to me that she wants to stop, and if her own family are enabling her and condoning her, she certainly isn’t going to stop any time soon.

If you are waiting for the magical day when she will stop, get clean and everything will be happy, let me tell you – for most addicts, that day never comes. As I said, my partner (ex) is now waiting to go into rehab. Do I think he will stop? Will he come out and stay clean? Do I believe I’ll get my happy ever after? NO. I’ve heard too many lies, been disappointed too many times, abused more than I deserve and finally I’ve realised, I deserve better. I deserve respect and love and honesty – three things an addict is entirely incapable of giving – the drugs prevent that.

I hope you can find the steps to make the break away. You sound like a lovely man so the chances of you finding a loving partner are undoubtably there, and one day you’ll see that you deserve so much better.

It’s a big wide world out there… and a lot of people with love to give. x

[davidk]

ha yeh loving an addict turns us partners as textbook as the addict,

for all their typical behavior we as partners all go through a pretty standard set of reactions,

that’s what I found so helpful about this site, the reassurance that how I’m feeling is so normal with anyone in the same boat.

I think I am realistically seeing that a happy ever after isn’t likely, and taking steps to have my own house and I no longer view her house as my future home pretty much confirms the relationship could never return to how it was.

I still don’t know if I’d want to lose her completely,

Obviously what I’d like most is for her to sort herself out which I no longer think she will do with me around, mad as it is, support isn’t what she needs, digging herself a bigger hole is what she needs if she’s ever going to realise the damage of her behavior.

Even if we were millionaires I wouldn’t wish a drug addiction on her though, but I think that is an issue with her and the kids, that they only really see the financial negative of it rather than seeing that someone being a drug addict is deeply troubled and it is bad for them, for their mental health and physical health even if they can afford it (which she can’t so therefore it is bad for the kids as they lose out).

I’m quite sure she is doing some coke again or no doubt will so it will be only a matter of time before the cracks start to surface and maybe her daughter will wake up, as I cannot see me being able to do anything to help whilst her daughter is against me as it just gives my girlfriend someone to make her think she is doing nothing wrong, power in numbers etc.

its so frustrating as when she isn’t in the grip of it she does want a good life etc, but once the drugs take hold she is so helpless to it.

I think the fact that she had her daughter at a young age (16) may play quite a large part in various things, like she didn’t get to finish growing up as she became a parent so young, and therefore in some ways had to grow up fast, but in other ways she never grew up at all and always feels like she has missed out on something, also the age gap being quite small between her and her daughter means she does see her more like a friend rather than someone she is supposed to be responsible for, which is great if you can be like friends but the parent still needs to try and help the kid stay on the right track, yet in her house it was like the kids had equal say in everything and would just do what they wanted which was something of an issue for me moving in as its hardly a great proposition to move into a house where 2 kids are in charge and you can either tidy up after them or live in their mess as well.

also of course I’d want a drug free house not a house where a kid can bring drugs into it and I just have to accept that.

[dre80]

it’s addiction David, she’s your drug. So you need to abstain from it. And yes it is difficult, yes, I physically stayed away from the drug addict, but because he wanted it too, I stopped being a supply. You are also no longer a supply to her, or she would be with you and not the drug. You want someone who wants you, it’s almost like a pride of ours: as he / she doesn’t want someone who helped, renovated the house, who paid for dinners here, who gave rides … it’s a sense of value that we should have, but not from them seeing that value. I understand better, thanks to God and Stone q also helped me, and she talking to you helps me a lot, that you need to get a sense of value to do something else in life, invest in a friendship (I “nag” a friend venting to her, knowing about her also helps me. I have two cats that distract me. And I also think of the guy who hugged me on the couch here, who had dinner with me, fun, friendly, mega fun, handsome, it makes me angry that he is an opportunistic selfish drug addict !! takes the bad part and puts a magnifying glass on. You have more disadvantage than advantage. Even if, if you had more advantage, we wouldn’t be here talking about it, you would be happy with her, walking, even having kids having fun and laughing together.

[davidk]

you are right that it’s like I am addicted to her, and just cannot give her up despite how clearly bad for me she is.

sadly our two cats are technically her cats, so that’s just something else I lose in all this.

I do have a friend I chat to about all of this so I do get to vent somewhat to him, although he likes my girlfriend and can see why I’m so reluctant to let go as he knows how well suited we are in so many ways when drugs are removed from the situation. so I guess he doesn’t really want me to leave her, he like me still thinks the problem can be fixed if she could fix herself, but he does agree that I need to keep away for a while and let her dig herself a hole as clearly all my previous efforts are futile and completely unappreciated.

[thelostone]

it’s widely accepted that until an addict hits rock bottom, they won’t do anything to change their situation. My partner even said it to me.. ‘I had to hit rock bottom to realise what I’ve done’ – did it stop him using? Nope. He is still using now, knowing he is going into rehab, and knowing he has already lost me.

From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like your girlfriend feels she has a problem at all.. and therein lies the problem! As I said, she may never feel she has a problem. A lot of addicts don’t. I’ve seen heroin addicts hobbling along, having lost a leg or suffering horrendous health problems and they still won’t contemplate stopping. Women have lost children, men have lost jobs, wives… NOTHING stands in the way of them and their addiction. It’s their one true love and they will always put the drugs before you. Difficult not to take personally, but that’s addiction.

Once you have your own space, you will find it easier to think better about things, a little more dispassionately. Or you will keep going back for me until you are so tired, weary and abused that you start hating her, and what she’s done to you. It’s a sorry, thankless road.

[davidk]

yeh right now she is in denial, it seems to come in waves,

she really is like two people, and one of them is smart and understands and has heart, but this other her is doing pretty good job of making me hate her.

It is shocking what they will do despite hitting rock bottom etc but the pull of drugs is just so strong on them.

a friend of mine made a good point about the situation with her daughter,

that perhaps she is just seeing this as a way of getting closer to her mum,

like if you can’t beat them join them, so right now she probably thinks she has a great bond with her mum over this very unhealthy negative activity.

I haven’t spoken to any of them since I left last Sunday and even though as has been going through my mind quite a bit it has calmed down a bit,

the real measure is if I can concentrate on reading a book or not, and I have been able to whereas when things are really bad I cant pick up a book as I just have to keep re-reading the same sentence as my mind is clearly elsewhere.

[dre80]

if in 7 years she thinks she hasn’t reached rock bottom yet, difficult, they will hardly assume to be so bad, only if a health hazard occurs, and even so, as thelostone said, they go back to drugs, she is stronger that they! this ex of mine, he said he used it for 5 years, then 7, and he is super ok with it. He just went looking for a doctor and medicine, because the partner told him about negligent behavior at work, he takes the medicine for nothing, I believe, maybe it will even give a good feeling hhaa … seriously, because I doubt that without therapy, strength of will, initiative, they get something. You have been addicted to it for 7 years, and you can meet someone nice, as already said here, you are special and waste life with someone who decides to die a little every day. Try to get to know other people, I’m trying to do this, lightly, talking to friends. And my friend never told me to stay with this ex, he said, get out of it, he’ll sink you in it because that’s what everyone does. Just read the posts here. You need to fix your life and not hers, move around your house, and ask every day … for strength to let go of her. I was impacted in months, I know it is not simple for you these years, but if you start looking at yourself, investing in that energy … it will be left aside. I took the advice of thelostone, love me, and overcome him day by day in the mind that he was horrible, terrible in bed, did not help me with snacks, we just walked out 2 times in 5 months, he bit me, he disrespected me talking with others while with me, pampered, allowance at 40 please, and he was not interested in me. He had some gentle gestures, but to manipulate … think about the bad part, that right now she is not even there for you, or they would be fine now. Sad, but when you get angry at it, and see that you lost your life, you forget about it. I hope this happens.

[davidk]

this is so true,

I just gotta stop listening to my heart and stop remembering the good times really. there is plenty of bad times to remember to though so plenty of reminders of how I’ve spent 7 years being unappreciated and disrespected.

It’s her split personality that makes it so hard though, as its like an enemy lives in my girlfriends body, and currently the enemy has won.

[thelostone]

but the thing is David, her apparent split personality may not just be as a result of the drugs. Unless she stops taking them for any meaningful length of time, it’s difficult to know if it is the drugs causing this apparent change of character. I know myself that women can suffer alarming mood swings due to hormones alone, so maybe it’s not entirely down to drugs. However, it might be more productive to do less thinking about her and more thinking about yourself.

I can only re-emphasise to you where I was barely a year ago, and where I am now. I was in a place where I was chasing my partner down, calling him constantly (even when I knew he was using drugs and would be cruel and abusive), not eating, not sleeping, crying, suffering panic attacks and anxiety. I cannot really explain what happened. I think I took so much punishment my head just snapped and said ‘ENOUGH. NO MORE. THIS STOPS HERE!’

I’d say you never fully get closure with an addict, because it’s like a book with no ending. You wanted the happy ending and you are not going to get it. Even if they got clean, you can never really fully trust them again and you always live with that fear ‘what if they use again…’

But where I am today. My peace of mind is priceless. He’s tried contacted me. In fact I got a barrage of texts, and a couple of missed calls. I simply won’t do it anymore. I won’t give him a single opportunity to abuse me again. No. I’m worth more than that. I eat well, I sleep well. I keep fit. I still deal with him each day in my head, but I tell myself.. ‘let it go..’ whether it’s a good thought, a bad thought, a sad thought, an angry thought.. I just let it go. Splitting up with something is like grieving a death, only the person is still alive. But you have.. to.. let.. go. Particularly of someone who chooses drugs over you every single time.

Don’t you deserve someone to love you the way you love?

[davidk]

yes you are right there could be underlying mental health issues too,

but judging from the past I would say these are largely removed when she treats herself well.

drugs certainly bring about this change of character, and she knows all this, yet when she is possessed with drugs she is too weak to do anything about it.

Its the self destructiveness too, like she hates herself so much she sees no point in sorting things out,

you are so right about the book without an end, that is exactly what it is.

and the idea of grieving, I have said myself that I feel like I have spent a year grieving for her yet she isn’t actually dead, just the person I love within her has become less and less.

but I always still come back to this feeling of, doesn’t someone like this need the love and support of someone that is stronger than their weaknesses.

although at the same time I deserve to be treated better than she treats me and that will probably never change.

I’m glad you are managing to stay strong and not let him back into your life, I imagine in some ways this will get easier with time, like the longer you are apart the easier it gets, as I already feel over the past week like my mind is easing up, even if I do still think about it I am not all consumed like I have been.

typically, her Xmas present that has been lost in the post since November finally showed up this morning, for now its on display in my room as thankfully we have similar tastes so it’s something I like too

[thelostone]

Drugs do change their personality, because it induces chemical changes in the brain. But don’t ever let them off the hook by saying ‘well, they can’t help it, it’s not something that can control’ – if they want to stop, if they love you, value you, respect you.. THEY WILL STOP. Addicts do stop.. our partners are choosing not to stop.

You speak of another misconception that kept me hanging on – ‘they need our love and support.’ Yet, at the same time, you are expected to suffer their abuse, their lies, their disrespect, their mood swings. Getting half a person, half a relationship..?

How many times do you want to run into the burning building to save them, only to watch them run back inside? You are starting to get burnt yourself, every time you run back in to get them. Stop. Because the only person that can save them is them. Stop trying to rescue a self-destructive addict. You will get NO thanks.

The first time I broke away, I managed 12 weeks. Did he contact me? Not once. Too busy using crack, and mixing with God awful people. When he hit a low, yep he found a way to get back into my life. And I was foolish enough and weak enough to allow it. What did it do? Opened me up for 3 more months of anxiety, heart ache, lies and abuse. I draw the line now.

As Whitney Houston sang, I’d rather be alone than unhappy.

How you doing David? You thinking enough about yourself and your own mental health and well being? If you cared as much about yourself as the person breaking your heart and disrespecting you, you wouldn’t be on here.

[davidk]

that’s true,

they need to make the choice and right now she is choosing drugs, and pretending like that isn’t even a problem.

and you are right, it is half a relationship, and a very one sided one,

its so annoying as in day to day life no one who knows me would expect me to put up with this shit as I am not normally the sort to waste my time and put up with bullshit as I am a logical person normally, but then I am also very passionate and caring when it comes to the things I DO care about.

and that’s the problem, she somehow enters that part of my heart.

whatever happens in the future I definitely have changed to some degree, and no longer have the dream of a happy future and the home etc, no matter what even if she does sort herself out etc I need my own security and I won’t ever have that living at hers as she has utterly destroyed that,

so with this in mind I don’t know how much of anything else could really be left anyway.

I’m sure in that 12 weeks you were away he spent a good portion of that time thinking it was some amazing holiday to do what he liked as I’m sure that’s what my girlfriend will be thinking right now, as I am the obstacle for her drugs and now that obstacle is removed.

its so sad these people can get to such an age and still act like teenagers.

surely most people grow up.

[thelostone]

my partner is well into his latter years, so don’t expect age to change anything.

All I can say is, the more you start to value yourself, the less bullshit you tolerate. Yes, it’s ok to be compassionate and kind, but there comes a point when kindness is mistaken for weakness. You tolerate the lies and abuse and moods, and keep coming back for more. They genuinely don’t believe you will leave them.

The thing is, people take drugs because there is something missing in their lives. No happy balanced person takes drugs, they don’t need to. But addicts do, over and over. So trying to rationalise with them, and whatever is going on in their heads, is completely futile.

I didn’t think too much what he was thinking or doing in that break, just as i don’t now. I can’t stop thoughts turning to him, but I can control them. Difference is now I remember almost all the bad stuff, the hurtful cruel abusive stuff and not any of the rare nice moments – and it makes me angry to think I tolerated it. Which is why I won’t give in this time. I will never forgive him for what he put me through and the way he treated me. And he can blame the drugs.. but ultimately, he and your partner need to take personal responsibility for the harm they’ve done – and the crappy way they’ve treated good people.

She won’t be so complacent if and when you meet a lovely lady that treats you right. And by then, trust me, you won’t give a hoot about her. You’ll be exactly where I am right now.

[davidk]

yeh guess his age shows he is unlikely to ever change,

But has he been an addict for most of his life, has he had long periods without?

my partner has managed to be good for a lot of years and to be honest a couple of years ago I would never have imagined any of this to be our future, whereas now I wouldn’t actually be that surprised if she eventually ends up on heroin and selling her body to pay for it, I hate to imagine this one day happening, but I have had nightmares about it and it doesn’t seem impossible.

I never spent my life expecting to settle down in a relationship, so jumping into this one was a bit of a shock, but I fell for her real bad, but I don’t imagine if we do split that I would meet anyone else soon or even want to really, I was alright alone before we met, and didn’t think I would ever meet “the one” ha.

Its worst time to even try and get on with a new life right now with all the lockdowns etc, I’m quite sure no bank will touch me for a mortgage right now as I am still on furlough with no return to work date, and I’d like to join a yoga class or something but everything like that is shut,

so instead just gotta be patient which is annoying as I want to be getting on with things.

[thelostone]

On and off, yes he has used for a long time.

Ironically, he has just texted me to say he is disappointed I couldn’t reply to him… ‘do you hate me that much?’

He’s disappointed? I am so angry but I know I have to stay calm and not bite..

The cheek of it. Only an addict could be so god damned selfish and cheeky. He’s disappointed.. after everything he’s put me through. This is why I won’t reply.. I won’t give him the opportunity to abuse me again.

[davidk]

ha yeh there is the typical addict mentality turning it all about them,

surely it us that should be asking them if they hate us this much? for all the shit they put us through, but they are just oblivious to their own behavior.

I’m just listening to a Mark Lanegan Lp, I’ve mentioned him on here before, long term junkie who cleaned up his act about 20 years ago, and wrote a book recently about his junkie life, the very selfish junkie life, but at least he now is brutally honest about how much of an asshole he was,

I recommend going and listening to “stockholm city blues” and “skeleton key” which are from this recent album he wrote whilst doing the book, so it’s quite brutal junkie selfishness in lyrics in a way probably only possible from someone 20 years clean. still very self indulgent but it is quite interesting to hear it and a bit of an insight into how single minded the desire for drugs makes people.

[dre80]

He plays the victim…

Yeah, this is abusive…and tires a lot the psychological.

But I admire you for your wisdom and strength.

[dre80]

Oh my, what an answer!

I was reading and reading again. So much truth in words.

Yeah, they know what they’re doing, when the ex bite me, he knew what he was doing, and that hurt because got the mark and purple…

If they want they stop, they don’t care.

And we have to take care of ourselves, and ok stone…about the thoughts about them, I try to not fight against but to say… he was manipulator, an addict in a serious drug like cocaine and alcohol, and was my illusion to stay with him. It was my lack, I don’t like to be alone and I have to learn enjoy my company, lets try to do this David.. I’m doing things for myself, prayed, and we gonna make it. We gonna be strongers like stone, to pass through this, and be with someone who deserve us and treat us with a lot of respect. I’ll be accurate about man now…

[davidk]

I’m about the same.

no progress really,

haven’t been round hers, odd generic message about other stuff,

I think she is treating it like we are over so maybe I should just accept that and let her ruin things and just turn my back, I still can’t turn off how deeply hurt I am but also how much I care about her,

but this time I am just too hurt to be the one to try and fix things and currently I don’t think she Is going too.

how about you dre80 how are you doing?

[davidk]

I’m about the same.

no progress really,

haven’t been round hers, odd generic message about other stuff,

I think she is treating it like we are over so maybe I should just accept that and let her ruin things and just turn my back, I still can’t turn off how deeply hurt I am but also how much I care about her,

but this time I am just too hurt to be the one to try and fix things and currently I don’t think she Is going too.

how about you dre80 how are you doing?

[thelostone]

Thank you for asking Dre. Funnily enough, I’ve had a challenging couple of days. My partner has sent me a few texts, one at 5.40am. He said he loves me and that he has little or no chance of surviving without me. He said he never understood until I was gone. He said he was writing me a letter, but kept breaking down because he knows the pain he’s caused me and is sorry and ashamed. Basically, he said all the things a broken hearted person wants their partner to say. The problem is, I’ve heard it all before. If I had a pound for every sorry in text or letter, I wouldn’t feel quite as worthless as he made me feel. The only thing he texted that seemed in anyway different was saying he knew I wasn’t going to accept words or promised, only the truth and action.

A hand delivered letter arrived yesterday. He is on medication but admits he is still using. He is waiting for his rehab place. He wants to honour his promises to me. It was mostly reminiscing about good times we spent together, but one single line was enough to send me off the rails. He wrote

‘I am mystified as to what went wrong.’

I became so angry I broke down, and nearly ripped the letter up. Maybe it was a throwaway comment he wrote without thought… but really? If he cannot see what went wrong. I wanted to call him, text him, write him… vent my anger. I didn’t. I sat and cried (in frustration and anger) and I typed a reply to a silent, unjudging audience so I could explain ‘WHAT WENT WRONG’… so I could get it all out. I may post it somewhere one day, or even send it to him one day in the future, who knows. I just had to get it all out. So I remain steadfast in my vow not to contact him and never to give him another opportunity to abuse me.

I could block him, but aside from seeming cruel, this also means I am just blocking out the problem because I’m not strong enough to deal with it. Which doesn’t solve the problem that I very likely will bump into him at any point. So I felt disinclined to block him. I wanted to know if/when he went into rehab, because in my heart I know he is a tortured man, and I want to know he goes rehab and tries.. for himself.

Hope it’s ok to offload today. Thanks for listening.

[davidk]

Hi thelostone,

sorry to hear he has upset you,

of course its ok to offload today, this is the place for it.

sounds like you are staying strong,

as I’m sure I would be buckling under if my girlfriend was saying things like that,

in fact that’s pretty much the kind of thing I am so desperate to hear,

but I guess I am still at the stage of wanting things to go back to before but without drugs, whereas you are at the stage where you realistically accept that by going back you are only going back to more hurt.

but yes the “mystified what went wrong” bit is a bit odd, as it does seem like he is still in complete denial as to what he did wrong. so it kind of invalidates the rest of his words.

I hope you do post your response one day as I would be very interested in it.

I’m sure it would mirror a lot of feelings from people on here.

hope you are doing ok otherwise and it doesn’t consume you as much as it would me.

[thelostone]

I will consider it David, if I feel it will help others.. although it’s rather self indulgent and just covers WHAT WENT WRONG.. for him to see in case he doesn’t understand. Although as I said, I feel it is a throwaway comment because he’s texted me to say he is overwhelmed with guilt, he knows what pain he has caused me, etc.

However, by his own admission he is still using, so I don’t see any point even trying to interact with him. I did it for three years and you can’t converse with an addict. You just get defensive arrogant replies which make you feel even angrier. So my plan is, if he goes into rehab and writes to me, I may post it to him then, when he is clean and has to read it.

[davidk]

that is probably wise,

I wish I could be as strong and wise as you with it all.

as for self indulgence I wouldn’t worry too much about that, after all this site is made up of posts of people writing how the addict has made them feel. I’m as guilty of that as anyone, as it’s all been bottled up this is the place where it all spills out.

and that’s the thing with the addict, they turn everything about them so us partners feelings are always neglected.

my partner is in the stage of being content with destroying everything more.

I don’t know if she ever would start acting like yours is, like trying to contact me and get me back,

I can’t see it really, I think she is too stubborn to do that and will just convince herself that she doesn’t need me in her life as she is no doubt seeing me as the problem rather than herself.

But maybe I’m wrong and in time she would surprise me.

[thelostone]

well, if I’ve learnt anything from all this David, it’s that you never really seem to get closure. And I’m certainly not wise, maybe just wiser for my experience. So I could make a judgement call.

An addict will usually not want to let go of the good things in the their lives. For me it’s been 3 years and my partner was where your girlfriend is.. he didn’t have a problem, he was just content to use, lie to me, and sneak off and do what he wanted. The more I cut off, the more he would come back, until eventually he admitted he had a problem and sought help. But he returned from one rehab after 2 weeks because he couldn’t have a room on his own. So now he is waiting on another place.

An addict cannot realise what they’ve lost if you’re still there.

But in my experience, they don’t like to let good things go, the things that are true in their lives. They either get fed up and low from the drugs, when they run out of money or sick of their cycle of abuse. And then they contact you. I never thought my partner (ex) would be saying the things he is, but as I said to you, I’ve heard it all before.

We are all on the same road. We just walk at different paces, that’s all.

[davidk]

I think it is the sense of closure that can never be obtained that is the hardest part.

the endless things I could say to her and the kids to try and make them see sense, but ultimately its all futile, they just will not open their eyes.

of course time and things going from bad to worse might eventually open them for them, but it is so hard to stand back and say and do nothing, and I’m convinced they all somehow think I’m the bad guy in all this so it’s like I want to defend my character but of course I can’t and nothing can actually be gained by doing so.

I feel like contacting her mum and brother and sister etc, all people who I’m sure would care and see it from my point of view and want her to stop this self destruction and for her daughter to stop playing an active role in it,

but again I know that their words to her would be as useless as mine, and that they would end up falling out with her as she would just cut them all out too.

I think you said before but I forget after reading so many stories etc

you were with your addict partner 3 years but how long ago did you split up, I think you said you had a few breaks on and off before this final time.

[thelostone]

I can feel every bit of your anger, and sadness and frustration… because I’ve lived it.

As you said, you don’t ever really get closure. I’ve broken away from him so many times I’ve lost count. We have never split up. We would estrange. I wouldn’t hear from him for days.. weeks even… and then he’d come back. He’d find a way to reconnect. I managed 12 weeks without him and he contacted me. He was going to rehab.. which is why I let him back him.

Look at now.. I haven’t seen him since he went off for the rehab in October (and he returned after 2 weeks). I saw him briefly when he came to my leisure centre.. I walked out. He was trying to reconnect. But over Xmas and new year. he has been contacting me. Waiting for rehab, pestering his case worker.. and seemingly now can’t survive without me.

What they do David is burn you. And when you go off to heal yourself, they come back and apologise. And you let them back in… and then they rip your bandage off and burn you again. That is an addict. I don’t think it’s even intentional.. it’s just the nature of addiction.

If anything has strengthened my resolve, it’s that I won’t interact with him whilst he is using. Been there and done it for 3 years and it is a waste of time. Don’t waste your breath because that junk affects their brain and their judgement. They are defiant, arrogant, in denial and abusive. So save your breath.

I found around the time I was where you are, I would repeat to myself… let it go. Just take a deep breath and say ‘let it go.’

I am only where I am now in my journey probably because I’ve taken a lot more abuse, and broken promises and lies than you. I had to get to breaking point.. but for that to happen, it left me extremely ill, physically and mentally. Anxiety, stress, depressed, low self-esteem, exhaustion.. it took its toll. That is the only reason I am where I am now. It didn’t happen overnight. I wasn’t that strong that I could do it 2 years, a year ago. It had to get so bad that I really had no choice but to accept what was in front of my eyes.

I struggle every day to stay strong. But I will… because I won’t talk to an addict.

[davidk]

thanks for being there to try and share that strength with others like me.

I do need to try and follow your example, and maybe I will,

maybe she won’t ever try and make things better and I will have no choice but to get over it.

It is so much like grieving, as the person you love isn’t there anymore.

When I think of her I am just full of sadness like she is lost and gone and I just can’t get her back.

And I know that she has hurt me so much that I shouldn’t even want her back but I can’t help it.

Part of me thinks she doesn’t want to hurt me but she knows herself well enough to know that she will , and that she knows she cannot stop herself hurting me so therefore she will let me go now as a way of setting me free, but as we have said, I cannot really be free because you never get closure.

Like half the time she will think she doesn’t deserve me and I think has issues with that and she thinks she isn’t good enough, so rather than worry about me one day waking up and leaving her, she instead causes all the drama and it keeps me running back and reassures her that she has got me.

But now she sees she has broken me too much and she won’t allow herself to be vulnerable, all this messed up mental health mixed with drug use and the conflict within her of wanting more drugs which are only further messing up her head just doesn’t make a good situation.

as for your partner,

does he know where you live? and did you ever live together.

I’m surprised he isn’t turning up at your door all the time.

Is the leisure centre your work place or do you mean he turned up there because he knew your routine? either way its really not the place for it.

[thelostone]

No, it’s not my workplace, we both train there but he hasn’t been for months. He turned up the day and time he knew I would be there, with 100% certainty. He texted me early in the hours after I’d walked out… apologising and saying he knew what he’d done to me. The damage. And apologising for being so cruel and hurtful.

He does know where I live, yes – barely 10 minutes from his own flat. We have never shared a place. Some time back I started putting boundaries down… rules. And one of them was he doesn’t get to turn up at my flat.. particularly unannounced. He has respected that. He isn’t abusive in that way, he doesn’t demand money or threaten me or blame me or demand I support him.

It’s funny what you said about grieving.. because that’s exactly what it is, and it’s exactly what I’ve written in my reply to him (the reply he maybe won’t ever see). You mourn the loss of the person you fell in love with, and you know they are in there somewhere, but they are not coming back. They have been kidnapped by the drugs, they are a ghost of the person they were. That’s a hard part to deal with, because you feel if they stop and get clean, that beautiful person will come back. But does it repair the damage, does it return the lost trust, the disrespect, the abuse, the terrifying thought that they will lie to you again, lapse, use again?

It’s easy to be angry but in calmer moments I know an addict doesn’t mean to do it – it’s simply the nature of addiction. But when they do it over and over again, it becomes difficult to believe they are sorry, and difficult to believe they can’t stop treating you like crap and lying to you. If you mean it, change your behaviour.

Do you think your girlfriend may have abandonment issues? It sounds possible. Someone with abandonment issues will keep pushing you away, to see how many times you come back. My partner knows he has and has acknowledged this. Maybe this or such a low opinion of herself that she tells herself she doesn’t deserve you. This also seems to be a common theme with addicts… which is why they use drugs. I have never known a happy person to take drugs. Never.

It’s all very well feeling they don’t deserve us, but their task is to change their behaviour and show us by their actions that they do. Not to repeatedly use and lie and deny.

[davidk]

it is a tough one with abandonment issues

I’m sure she does have them, but you don’t know all the details of the past to know both sides of the story for why people abandoned them.

And with drug addicts I am sure people leaving is quite a normal part of their life as they are driving everyone away.

so its a bit, which came first? chicken or the egg in that way.

She didn’t speak to her brother,sister,mum or dad when I first met her and over the years we were together she has got back into talking with all of them,

and though they might not be faultless I think they do care about her, but she is so hard to care about if she will then constantly hurt you.

so did they abandon her and cause her to behave like this, or did she behave like she is to me and left them no choice but to abandon her in the same vein as me, hoping that by showing her what she stands to lose she will open her eyes. so effectively trying to do it for her own good.

She does of course say they turned their backs on her when she needed them the most.

The other problem is by being with someone with these issues, she is giving me a whole set of my own issues.

I will obviously always feel insecure within the relationship and paranoid its all going to come crumbling down etc.

So I will also have trust issues, like never being able to trust her not to destroy everything.

Cant trust her not to hurt me over and over, In fact its the opposite, hurting me again is one thing I can count on.

I’m quite sure she feels she doesn’t deserve me, I have always tried to say of course she does, everyone deserves to be happy and its not all one way, I have grown a lot as a person too and she has helped me in many ways too,

she deserves to be loved, I don’t deserve to be hated.

She just cannot let herself be happy, and I guess that is the problem with addicts, they are just hellbent on destruction.

I think they all must hate themselves to some degree so they just cannot handle someone not hating them and have to try and make you hate them as much as they hate themselves.

she even often says how guilty she feels for the past, how selfishly she bought the kids up on drugs etc, and I try and say, you can’t change the past only the future, but then she does it all over again, the very thing she feels guilty about, yet doing it more numbs the guilt, it really is insane.

I’m glad to hear your partner respects not turning up at your flat, that is quite surprising that he would have that level of self control.

Also surprised to learn he works out, or does sometimes, I guess that’s not happening when he’s using.

[thelostone]

‘they turned their backs on her when she needed them the most’ – that’s a common thing for an addict to say. Usually what’s happened is they have absolutely pushed you away and drove you to your limit. No decent human being walks away from the person they love, more so a mother.. it takes a lot to give up on someone.

All addicts have some form of self loathing. That is for certain. I remind myself that a person that clearly doesn’t care for themselves is incapable of caring for anyone else. Why else would they hurt you, over and over again. And think an apology covers it, makes it all alright?

My partner has a good level of control.. well.. there’s no benefit to him turning up at my flat. In fact he has said I would only turn him away and ‘I am not a masochist.’ So it’s more about his own pride and cowardice. When I wanted him to fight for me, he was nowhere to be seen. He left me crying on my bed, while he went off to use drugs. It’s nothing personal, it’s addiction. But it’s hard not to take it personally.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. That is us David. With our addicts.

[davidk]

ha yeh I certainly feel insane,

its just fighting madness with reason.

logic vs chaos.

rational vs irrational.

reason vs unreasonable.

sane vs insane

So hard not to take personally as you feel your love isn’t enough to save them.

I try and remind myself that essentially this isn’t so surprising, as even having 2 kids that should come first isn’t enough.

whilst she does care for them, you can hardly say an addicts choices are putting their children first.

So if the children isn’t enough then why would I be.

but this is all the more why I find it so hard to accept how the kids are being now, as I always assumed that they must feel the same hurt as I do.

Like it was an unspoken link between us, but now it seems that was just me.

[thelostone]

the best advice I can give you is just get away, even if it’s only for a few weeks. It just gives you head space David and you need that right now. You can retreat to lick your wounds. Try not to think too long term. Thoughts can overwhelm you.. particularly ruminating on the past. So just take a deep breath, say ‘let it go’ and take each day at a time.

It hurts… but you don’t have to act on it. Just accept it, and deal with it, hour by hour.. and tell yourself it’s just a day at a time.

You will get there. Just be assured you will get there.

Here if you need help or you struggle.

[davidk]

yeh I wish it was easy to just turn my head off,

I’m a real thinker though in general.

an over thinker probably.

very passionate and opinionated and maybe take things to heart more than many would, and care about things on a symbolic level too,

I wish I could turn all this off, but its just how I am, and when I am like this I am consumed by it so it makes it hard to do anything,

I’ve read a couple of pages of a book today but its hard to take words in when you are elsewhere.

I actually have to go to work a bit next week so that might be a good thing as it will force me to be occupied.

really doesn’t help the whole lockdown etc as it makes it hard to really do much.

earlier in the year during an “break/give each other space” before I knew about the coke etc (I always knew she did it in the past and had done it a few times recently at this point) and was just confused by what was happening with her personality I actually had a bit of space from her and drove from john o groats to lands end.

this was really nice for a while as it was something I had joked about doing for years, and because we weren’t suppose to contact each other I just had myself and a road and loud music and felt quite peaceful, especially when I arrived at john o groats.

but by the next day as I was at Gloucester services, so a good way down to lands end, she had txt me saying she had done coke last night and her whole face was in pain etc, she was in a bad way all week and I actually thought after this she would be scared of doing coke again.

well I carried on with my drive and completed my mission, but lets just say my feeling of peace at john o groats was no longer in place at lands end.

maybe I need to go out and do it all again without looking at my phone this time ha.

[thelostone]

listen to this song david..

ella henderson

Sunday, rain drops, clock goes tick tock

I hate myself for staring at the phone

Get all your text, can’t erase them

I call you up but I know you’re not alone

I know that I should not hold on, so why can’t I let go?

‘Cause every time I’m with you somehow I forget to breathe

You got me like a rag doll,

Now I’m dancing on your string

And I keep trying to figure out who you are to me

But maybe all that we are meant to be

Is beautifully unfinished, beautifully unfinished

You left your kiss like a bruise on my lips

Your fingerprints are tattooed on my skin

And hush now, don’t cry, build your walls high

And don’t you dare come creeping in

‘Cause you’re the one that I can’t lose

You’re the one that I can’t win

‘Cause every time I’m with you somehow I forget to breathe

You got me like a rag doll,

Now I’m dancing on your string

And I keep trying to figure out who you are to me

But maybe all that we are meant to be

Is beautifully unfinished

And I hate you, and I love you

And I wish you’d go away

And I hate you, and I love you

And I wish that you would stay

‘Cause every time I’m with you somehow I forget to breathe

You got me like a rag doll,

Now I’m dancing on your string

And I keep trying to figure out who you are to me

But maybe all that we are meant to be

Is beautifully unfinished, we’re beautifully unfinished

[davidk]

I just found it on youtube,

as a music snob I would normally have dismissed it as not my kind of thing ha

but of course those words were hard to ignore.

especially the title line

“But maybe all that we are meant to be

Is beautifully unfinished”

I like that, it nearly had me crying …again .

[thelostone]

yeah just caught me as I was replying to you.

I am going to get out and get some fresh air.. and clear the cobwebs away. It helps with the mental side of things.

Do let me know if anything happens, or you get low, or how things are going. x

[dre80]

You are a very strong person, this sadness really comes … you did well to write a letter to release some of the letter’s pain, whether or not you sent the letter, the feeling was transferred and left your interior, not accumulating so much more . I cried here with you, touched by your posture. We are human, we have feelings, but you know well that getting “good” is a temporary state, for most of them, isn’t it? this cocaine is as strong as anything I’ve never known before. I felt your pain and yes, even if he wants to go to rehab, suddenly it may be for some secondary gain, it is complicated but analyzing every act of goodwill is necessary. unfortunately, he has to improve because he understands how bad it is, but the core of the reward is bigger. I would like them to stop this, of course, but before honoring promises to other people, they have to want to stop because it hurts everyone, kills them with each use, makes them difficult for society in general.

The boy I’m not with anymore, makes himself a victim of drugs, but he’s psychop @ … so there is emotional manipulation. I was really angry that he could have given me HPV, and I told him that I would find him wherever he went, if I got cervical cancer or had to pay something, if he took care of himself, and the person he went out with before me, I wouldn’t take it, I’m co-responsible, but I’m going to make him pay and he’s warned, even if I let his family know in months, or even years. They are fanciful, the drug gets them off the ground, promises the world and changes. I’m looking to go out more alone, eat out, pray a lot. I also cry like you, but seeing that he pretended facial expressions because he has no emotions. And my ego was frustrated that he left: how does he not want a nice person like me? and I was mad at me: how could I not be alone, I wanted to take someone more months who doesn’t even want their own well-being, imagine my well-being?

Sometimes I send a message and he ignores it, makes passive aggressiveness, and I feel like crap, because I still feel upset to be alone again, but as you have written to us several times here … we need to value ourselves.

That’s what David has to think about, too. Thank you for sending news, you two.

[thelostone]

You sound a lot like me, overthinker etc.too sensitive and take things to heart.

Maybe do it again. Get out. Just give yourself, your mind, a break.

[dre80]

I also listened to the music on youtube, crying I stopped listening in the middle … even though I hadn’t stayed with him for more than 6 months, I intensely wanted to keep him close, like my cocaine. My source of priceless pleasure, to appease my loneliness, someone to give me hugs, and sleep together (sometimes even with his back to me), which makes me feel alive and with tachycardia, energy, alive. Because alone, I don’t appreciate myself, I feel bored, sad, depressed and tired, useless, going from work to home, and without news, thankless with what I already have, sometimes not giving so much value (just like him). Am I not different from him with cocaine? Then when I smelled him next weekend, new energy, new vigor, sometimes even almost an overdose, but it was my excitement, I was using him as a drug to not be alone or face my own life and like me same! This is how they live, fleeing from themselves, and you get swallowed up in the process by living their lives, not yours. It is hard for David and Thelostone to think that they also addict us, and steal from us. And it turns into rehabilitation daily, not looking at the phone, the social network, not thinking if they are with someone. Well, Thelostone, he’s looking for you, etc., you’re an exception. David, the addiction to run away from ourselves, wasting our lives, by people who don’t want their own lives. Thoughts corrode us as I believe theirs for the drug, just waiting to contact the dealer … and lock themselves in the room to use it. I’m looking to take the advice into practice, let it go every day, right Thelostone, one day at a time, remembering that they are cold and indifferent, and that we deserve much more, people like ourselves, cool, concerned, loving, who look for us too, no ??? I cheer for it, I cheer for the 3 of us, I also think too much like the two of you, and I keep ruminating on things, what consoles me is to know that it is not only about addiction, he is a cold and manipulative psychop # who pretends emotions. I went for a walk today in the park, eating out alone, and chasing thoughts. If you lived here in Brazil, I would call you, for sure.

[thelostone]

You sound a lot like me, overthinker etc.too sensitive and take things to heart.

Maybe do it again. Get out. Just give yourself, your mind, a break.

[thelostone]

You sound a lot like me, overthinker etc.too sensitive and take things to heart.

Maybe do it again. Get out. Just give yourself, your mind, a break.

[davidk]

yeh it is tempting to do it all again.

I wonder how many fines I would get for breaking lockdown rules ha.

when I did it before was during June lockdown and thankfully I didn’t get stopped at all,

I don’t really see why a single person driving in their own car should really get in trouble for it as I enjoy just driving to clear my head ,so If I’m doing that alone and not going to meet anyone then its not actually doing anyone any harm.

I am self isolated in the car ha.

how was your walk?

[thelostone]

I came out to visit my parent. I’ve been receiving more texts from him. So much so that I ended up replying, because he was asking if I was ignoring him to take revenge and that it was cruel.

I simply said I won’t speak to him as longer as he uses drugs and I will never again suffer his abuse.

He is full of apologies and said how ashamed he feels, and that he will never ever make me sad and will only contact me again when he is the man he was.

I am currently debating whether to send my full length reply via email. I will think about it. He is due to go into rehab so maybe it will give him something to consider whilst he is away .. whether that happens.

As I said to you David, it never ends.

[thelostone]

I came out to visit my parent. I’ve been receiving more texts from him. So much so that I ended up replying, because he was asking if I was ignoring him to take revenge and that it was cruel.

I simply said I won’t speak to him as longer as he uses drugs and I will never again suffer his abuse.

He is full of apologies and said how ashamed he feels, and that he will never ever make me sad and will only contact me again when he is the man he was.

I am currently debating whether to send my full length reply via email. I will think about it. He is due to go into rehab so maybe it will give him something to consider whilst he is away .. whether that happens.

As I said to you David, it never ends.

[davidk]

shame he has been sending more txts as I’m sure you wanted to try and forget about the earlier ones.

maybe it would be good for him to hear everything you have written, if his head is actually in a place to really take it in, and give him something to work towards.

but regardless of everything I’m assuming even if he comes out of rehab and does stay clean you don’t want him back, or do you think you would change your mind if he really did change? although as we know, a change normally has a time limit.

I’m not sure as my girlfriend would ever go down the begging and apologising route, so I guess my story could end but I am the one struggling to just let it be destroyed by this as I feel like I have invested so much love and care into something to let go of it.

[thelostone]

I honestly don’t think beyond each day.

It’s the only way to survive. But do I think he will change? No. He’s too old to change. It’s too embedded in him.

I am seriously considering sending it to him now. I have a few hours to think about it.

[thelostone]

I honestly don’t think beyond each day.

It’s the only way to survive. But do I think he will change? No. He’s too old to change. It’s too embedded in him.

I am seriously considering sending it to him now. I have a few hours to think about it.

[thelostone]

I honestly don’t think beyond each day.

It’s the only way to survive. But do I think he will change? No. He’s too old to change. It’s too embedded in him.

I am seriously considering sending it to him now. I have a few hours to think about it.

[davidk]

let us know what you do, and how he responds.

I have written endless amounts in the past and considered sending it to my partner for her to see, in that desperation to make her see what she is doing, but I never have, and when she is like this it just wouldn’t penetrate, and when she’s being the person I love I leave it alone as I am just pleased she is back in there.

have you noticed this site often posts the same reply multiple times, yours keep coming through 3 times. mine was doing this yesterday

[thelostone]

Yes, I press the submit button and it does nothing.

He said that because of the drugs he couldn’t see the damage the was doing and he is shocked to see a message I screenshot that he sent me, and that looking at it he said he wouldn’t forgive himself either. He said he’s ashamed..

I’ve written an awful lot in my reply and I am feeling inclined to email it to him. I didn’t because I grew tired of getting crappy defensive messages back and more abuse.

I will let you know what I decide.

[thelostone]

Yes, I press the submit button and it does nothing.

He said that because of the drugs he couldn’t see the damage the was doing and he is shocked to see a message I screenshot that he sent me, and that looking at it he said he wouldn’t forgive himself either. He said he’s ashamed..

I’ve written an awful lot in my reply and I am feeling inclined to email it to him. I didn’t because I grew tired of getting crappy defensive messages back and more abuse.

I will let you know what I decide.

[davidk]

this is what makes it so hard with them,

when they are like this and they don’t even recognise the other person they become,

then we see them as a victim of themselves and can’t help but pity them.

But as you would advise me, I should say to you to stay strong and don’t let him start creeping back in and taking your energy, of course this is easier said than done as you can’t just stop caring. we don’t have the drugs to help us stop caring after all.

[thelostone]

exactly.

With some thought, an email wouldn’t work. He has to read it on a very small phone screen, so that is futile. I would need to print and post it. Which gives me 24 hours to consider things.

My overriding feeling is that one line of abuse makes him shocked, but really it is the tip of an iceberg and my full length reply really documents every single moment of abuse, and explains why it went wrong. If I can catch him in a moment when he isn’t a defensive drug fuelled idiot, it will certainly hit home.. and I could feel I’ve said all I want to say, and maybe get some closure.

Didn’t I say to you it never end? No matter how strong you are, if you are a kind, compassionate caring person, it never end.

[davidk]

The thing is, even a normal relationship ending would be hard, without all the added trouble of a drug abuser being the reason its going wrong.

spending years with someone you have a lot of memories with them, and hopefully a lot of good things as well as the bad, you have invested into it emotionally,

so moving on is difficult anyway, I think I will really struggle to move on as I have spent 7 years of being really close to her and that has been a major part of my life that I will constantly be reminded of, just so many things, anyone who knows us really did think we are so good for each other, and we would normally think how lucky we are to have found each other as it always felt like there was no one else in the world more meant to be.

and of course i’ll always think what could have been, especially as this is so obvious what the problem is and so such an obvious thing to fix.

but just too hard for the drug user to fix it.

I think it isn’t even so much the drug use itself that annoys me so much as just the attitude that comes with it.

and how defensive she will be when you threaten it.

like if she could actually be honest with me about it all rather than all the lying it might be easier to support her and try and help her get help, but because of all the lies etc you are left feeling like you are the direct enemy of this addiction person that consumes them.

basically if I went back to her on new year and just stopped caring and not letting it bother me, she would have acted like things were fine and I would still be there now, but because I couldn’t handle watching what was happening, she couldn’t handle me, but really I think she knows what she is doing is wrong as its a lot harder for her to keep lying to herself about it when I’m there making it glaringly obvious that what she is doing is wrong.

I was ok for about a week when I left, but the last few days it has really taken a lot of my energy again, I feel like its the first thing I think about when I wake up and that I have had dreams about it all too, its just so consuming.

[thelostone]

you’re really not alone, in everything you’re written.

It’s what I’ve written in my letter… even when he was going rehab, on the morning, I confronted him with someone.. he STILL lied. It’s the lies… even when you tell them you will still support them. That comes from guilt and shame at using drugs. My partner told me that his self. And whilst they are using, they will be defensive, turn it round on you to deflect things (it’s your problem), denial, minimising, all this is drug tactics they all use.

Maybe it would help you to go speak to her family, find out the real story. I know there’s two sides to any story but more than one member, if they are all saying the same thing, and they have no reason to lie, it might make the picture clearer for you.

[davidk]

my main worry is I think her family will be as upset as i am that she is behaving like this and destroying our relationship as I think they think I’ve been a really good influence on her life, (something I thought the kids used to see too but seemingly they now think I am the problem!!)

so if I tell them they might get angry with her and upset too and then she will think everyone is against her, which in reality is that everyone is against her addiction making us lose her.

I wish I could find out more really, what happened to make her be this way,

right now I just feel like the longer we are apart the more final it will become,

I’m quite sure she has painted over our bedroom that I had done all insane designs etc, I am kind of upset as it feels like she has probably done that to try and remove me, but at the same time I had said I intend to buy my own place and it isn’t ever gonna be my future home with her anymore so I guess painting over my “masterpiece” ha is fair enough as it isn’t a style she really liked anyway.

but I feel like she has done that within less than 2 weeks since I left, so will she just be removing all trace of me, which will be difficult as I have left such a huge amount of work there, and I cannot remove the huge amount of her from me as it is permanently lodged in my head.

I just feel like she is utterly destroying me mentally.

like being broken down so its like not even the kids appreciate anything I ever did for all of them, it just runs you down so much yet I know I did a lot for all of them and they shouldn’t be making me feel like this, but its so hard not to.

I just don’t know how someone who says they love you can do this as I have spent the last 7 years doing nothing but trying to keep a smile on her face and avoid any problems etc.

she must be so messed up in her head to behave this way it just isn’t normal.

[thelostone]

addicts are messed up in the head, and she is almost certainly trying to wipe all traces of you from the flat. If she sees something in the flat that reminds her of you, it will be a painful reminder of what she’s done, and addicts don’t like that kind of guilt.

If her children are using with her, then you are definitely part of the problem and not the solution. Addicts do like to group together, it validates their own crappy behaviour.

Talking to her family, you can’t predict her family’s response and however they respond is not your responsibility, is it? Are you on good terms with them? If so, you are perfectly within your rights to go speak to them, if only to convey how much you’ve loved her and tried to save your relationship.

[davidk]

yeh maybe I should,

I always got on fine with her family and like I say, I think they all felt I was a positive influence on her and really helped her settle down.

Its only her daughter who is smoking weed with her, but earlier in the year her daughter was as angry as I was about the coke use.

so I don’t know what to make of that, but it certainly feels like they are sticking together thinking what they are doing is normal.

her son is 15, god knows what he thinks about it all.

I have always said to him that I am sorry he’s having to hear us argue and that I hope he knows how much I care, but I don’t know if it really registers, after all blood is thicker than water,

but you would think after 7 years of standing by a family and doing countless things to make all of them have a better quality of life that they shouldn’t be so quick to send me down the river.

[thelostone]

you said it yourself, blood is thicker than water. And if any of her family condone this, you are fighting a collective – as an outsider.

Maybe you would learn more about her background and why she is why she is, if you speak to her family. It may answer the questions that cause you to be overthinking things, and help you make sense of things.

[davidk]

you may be right,

I’ll have to tread carefully

a few people I spoke to think that maybe the kids just tolerate it because they don’t want to upset their mum,

and then I confront the problem that they are trying to pretend isn’t there, so perhaps its not that they don’t care they just don’t want to face it.

as for her daughter doing drugs with her, perhaps that is just a good way of getting her mums attention so she thinks she has the best bond ever now as deep down she must know that drugs always came first, so by now bonding over them makes her feel like she finally has her mums attention.

this may be way of the mark, one can only make observations and try and imagine what causes people to behave in such bizarre ways.

isn’t it quite common for many issues to repeat themselves, like people who have been abused go on to be abuser, etc, so often people who have drug addict or alcoholic parents, rather than staying away from it because they see the negative , instead follow the same path.

its mad but seems all to normal.

and I come from a close family where my parents are still married 40+ years later, neither have any addictions etc and we all still talk to each other and have never blanked anyone out of our lives, so I therefore have been given a fairer chance not to follow negative footsteps, and also find it so hard to understand when people can act so hateful to the ones they claim to love.

[thelostone]

yes, that’s the same as my stable loving background. No coincidence is it, that you and I seem to be grounded loving people.

She is not setting a good example using in front of her children. They will go one of two ways, go on to use or completely go against drugs. But as I said, drugs come before anything and anyone. People have lost kids, jobs, houses, families… they lose everything for their drugs. It’s more than possible they are tolerating it because they don’t want the confrontation. It’s their mother after all. The role model – the authority figure.

Anyone who finds a fellow user has a common bond and it’s a strong one, that”s for sure.

[davidk]

yeh it sure does seem like that regarding drug bonds,

I think its because if someone else is doing it too it makes it easier for them to carry on lying to themselves that it isnt a problem.

a while ago she had a friend that lived near by that was doing ketamine all the time,

and I think she liked being around her as it made her own addiction seem less of a big deal, as this ketamine girl was looking really bad, like having to wear nappies etc because ketamine really messes with peoples bladders or something.

so it certainly seemed lke her having someone else around like that was a very negative influence.

the kids have spent their whole lives exposed to drugs.

funny enough when I met her and her son would have been 8 back then, he thought I looked like a stoner, he was surprised to learn I wasn’t a stoner

at the time I was obviously surprised an 8 year old knowing what that is, but that was all they ever knew. being surrounded by a mum and all her drug using friends and ex partners etc.

that’s the funny thing, I do look like a stoner, with long hair etc and a bit scruffy, yet it couldn’t be further from the truth, I could hardly be more anti drugs.

[thelostone]

Goodness me David. It seems like her drug use is historic, like ingrained. Long term. I got the impression it was recent because you had been with her 7 years and only recently did it come to light and become a problem.

An 8 year old child should not know what a stoner is. That’s terrible.

How have you tolerated it this long? Or has it only become known to you or a problem?

[davidk]

yeh when we met 7 years ago she was smoking weed all day every day and didn’t have a job or anything, she also was snorting coke at this time too but I don’t think I knew the extent of it then.

and after about a year together she did eventually sort herself out as she moved away from the dealer and seemingly seeing the pressure it put on our relationship and being around someone like me made her behavior not seem acceptable.

for quite a few years I believe she was being good and staying away from it all, and got back working etc and we have done a lot and tried to have a good life,

but then the year before last she seemed to be drinking wine all the time.

and then last year the coke came back up and was clearly taking her in completely and she was lying endlessly and running into thousands of pounds worth of debt.

I since feel that she has had previous trouble with coke at various times, I would say last year was at least her 4th bad period on it, with the third period being when we first met.

so she knows the danger she is in with it as she has previously overcome it multiple times, yet I think after a long time without something people start to tell themselves that they are strong enough to “choose” to do it now and then, and of course that just lets it straight back in.

so both weed and coke have been detrimental to her and the kids lives, which is why it is so unbelievable how things have panned out, and in the end drugs have won and destroyed everything.

when I first met her and her son with 8 I believe she had been a daily weed smoker for all of his life and the way she behaved and the environment he grew up in will of course have had a huge effect on his development.

I think I was about the first person to come into the families lives that didn’t have a drug problem or a criminal record.

so with all this in mind, maybe I was foolish to think that I could try and show them that life doesn’t have to be like this and that it shouldn’t be regarded as normal.

and life doesn’t have to be just misery.

also like I’ve said, my girlfriend when she isn’t in the grip of drugs would feel terrible about all these things and will be so sorry about the past, but just not sorry enough not to do it all again.

so all this in mind and how unstable my girlfriend was and how messed up her life was before we met and how erratic her mood swings used to be etc, is why surely most people looking in would think what is happening now is complete madness,

that I have stuck by her through everything and helped turn their lives around and done nothing but support them all, and she is willing to just shit on me like this and make me feel like I have been thrown away.

I’m quite sure her mum etc are thankful that I seemed to bring about all this change in her life, her mum would even say stuff to the effect of how nice it is to have her daughter back again.

despite all this hurt and anger I feel, all I am desperate for is her to realise she is messing up and sort her life out and for her to actually give me the apology I deserve.

she does say she is sorry I am upset etc, but like your partners apologies, you get the impression that it isn’t deep, they don’t understand what they have done so how can they actually give you the apology you are owed.

its nearly 7 years since we met (this month) and I just feel like she has run a full cycle and things are nearly as bad now as when we met 7 years ago, and if she is getting back into drugs bad then things will only be getting worse and worse,

like she has a job now, but if she starts having the attitude she has with me at work in a school that obviously wont end well.

or if they get any idea of what she is doing/smell weed on her clothes etc.

its actually quite silly that schools and jobs that do dbs back ground checks don’t actually do routine drug tests on staff, I mean whats the point in checking your staffs past but not keeping an eye on what they are doing now

[thelostone]

Genuinely I cannot see this getting better for you right now. It all just seems like a giant leap backwards.

I think you need to step back and find your own space. I can’t emphasis it enough. You can’t sit around waiting for an apology. I didn’t. I didn’t get it until I truly walked away and he knew he’d lost me.think about it.

[davidk]

you are probably right,

it is all a giant leap backwards and i think I still just cannot accept and believe she is being so foolish and I’m just desperately wanting her to wake up.

I am completely helpless now and only she can fix this, but it is difficult to accept being made to feel so helpless and as is all your previous efforts were in vain.

[dre80]

these days I thought that it’s easier for him to have given up taking this with me, as he said: I don’t want to take this any further … Because he has cousins, uncles who live here, the partner who is a friend in work, and the dealer I don’t know who he is. So, he is very confined, he always said that he likes his introspection and space even too much, that he knew it was not good, but it was like that, of course, the drug … priority. I have no friends to hang out here. I talk to a friend on WhatsApp. And my friend at work. And you guys here. I don’t have cousins, uncles, my brothers have their things of their own and we don’t have intimacy, because our mother is narcissistic … problems. I live alone with my cats, they distract me. It is easy for him, he has the space to use the drug in the apartment he lives with his divorced brother, his brother … suspicious, but I gave indirect about his brother and cocain. And he likes to be alone, sleep a lot because of the drug effect. In the messages that I saw his cell phone, he contacted girls (prost) website, but he must have already be with some of them … the ones I saw, he didn’t, just asked the price. He expects the woman to take the initiative by the messages I saw whats, I insisted a lot to get to know him. Then they understand our need … he was already using so many days in a row, that he was angry, agitated, complaining about everything and everyone in that victimistic way. I think at the end of the year when he traveled to his city to see his parents, he stayed with some woman there, because if the woman go to him, of course he doesn’t miss the chance. But with me he was no longer working in bed, even as an excuse for me to break up with him, from what I read in articles on narcissism/psychop. We cannot have our life centered on them. I was worried David that you said about them in our mind, God help us and I pray for that, that we will think about ourselves again, because they are there with the cocaine, and they are ok without us. And at some point, they will only have the cocaine… not even family or “friends”, he try to pretend that is a nice man, he is very polite and funny..but to have some secondary gains…and money from his family since they are rich and they just send money! They are a problem… a real one. I’m just upset.

[davidk]

Hi DRE80

thanks for your messages.

you are right, we are as addicted to them as they are to the drug,

its because emotionally they leave us wanting more,

we catch a glimpse of the love they can give, and we are hooked,

then more often than not they wont deliver it, but because we have convinced ourselves it is there and worth fighting for we because obsessed with it.

I can see how I am doing this myself, and just not wanting to let go.

and underneath all the problems that loving person is there, and when they are free from drugs they can see it so clearly themselves, but whilst the drugs are there no amount of crying or trying to get them to see will ever work, and that’s what is so frustrating.

my girlfriend is the most contradictory person ever,

constantly saying one thing and then doing the opposite etc, so its hard to ever know where you stand with that.

but I know its drugs that make her go against herself and say and do so many contradictory things.

you really are better off forgetting about your ex, count yourself lucky it was only 6 months, hopefully you meet someone nice who treats you with respect and that would certainly help forget about him.

maybe that would help all of us, but I think the longer you are with someone the more there is to get over and to forget, so even if I met someone else I think my past with my current girlfriend could become a burden on any future partner.

[thelostone]

I believe that’s called emotional baggage, and we all have it.

Our relationships are our addiction. I once counted the days I managed to get back without him.. it’s toxic. and despite breaking away, I am still here now dealing with an onslaught of messages and communication from him. An addict will never let the good things go in their lives, any more than they will let the drugs go. When they sense you are breaking away, they panic. You are like a comfort blanket they take for granted will always be there.

All of this, is the toughest thing I’ve ever dealt with, and I’ve lost family to cancer and a nearly successful suicide attempt from someone close to me.

Dealing with an addict is the toughest thing you can ever do.

[davidk]

I can believe all of that about it being the toughest thing anyone can do.

if you look up toxic behavior, most of it is pretty much the same as how an addict behaves,

how they are experts at making the other person do all the leg work and always make the other person insecure and to think they have done something wrong.

it really is very controlling

that’s the irony of it all, my girlfriend’s main argument with me wanting her to sort herself out is she turns it round to make out like I’m trying to control her.

where as in reality the emotional control is very much the other way round, I am totally submitted to her.

But I guess over time we get stronger so I have been more vocal back and tried to reclaim some of the balance, and of course they don’t like that as it shows their power over you is weakening if you start to fight back.

she deludes herself to think I want this power, I have said to her, “do you really think I take any pleasure in having to try and make sure you aren’t stealing money from your son” as if this is a measure that should ever need to be taken.

of course I no longer have any power to check this isn’t happening, but on that last day I said I don’t care if she does anymore as it’s her conscience that has to live with this behavior not mine.

[thelostone]

if she gets clean for any substantial amount of time ALL of this will hit her. Trust me. I know. Because it’s hit my partner. Sadly the guilt and shame is what makes them continue to use. To mask it, shut it off.

Well, I done it David. I printed off my letter and I hand posted it into his box, barely 20 minutes ago. I feel a great weight has lifted from me. I’m not a vengeful nasty person so none of it is hurtful. I felt compelled to write and tell him ‘WHAT WENT WRONG? as clearly he wrote that he was mystified. The lack of insight beggars belief, but then I got a text saying ‘because of the drugs, I didn’t grasp the damage I was doing.’

Contradictory and addiction go hand in hand. As long as they are using drugs, they don’t have to deal with their conscience. My partner said this is now a terrible weight on his conscience, now he can see how he’s treated me. (However, I HAVE heard all this before in letters, did it stop him using and lying to me? no).

If your girlfriend is stealing money from her own son, David that is bad. That is a problem that she really needs to acknowledge before you can even begin to help her. Trying to intervene right now, as she is, will only cause you a world of pain.

You will get no thanks for it.

[davidk]

I was going to ask have you heard from him since he read the letter,

well done for posting it, I think it’s the right thing to do for you,

whether it will ever change anything of course is a different matter,

but it might change things for you rather than him.

and like we know, he will read it and feel bad whilst not on drugs, but then what can he do to stop feeling bad, of course the answer is MORE DRUGS.

yes the stealing from her son is kind of indirect,

basically it’s the money from his dad, that she gets each month, but a few years ago she said she would save it all and give it to her son, but of course when she started on the coke again, that was just money for her to take.

so when I paid off the payday loans etc this was one of the conditions that I needed to be able to see her bank and see that the money was getting forwarded to her son each month.

But when you think about it, all the child benefit and tax credits and her son has aspergers so she gets disability money for him too, any money she spends on drugs and drink is been afforded because she has children and that is money she is given to provide for them.

the council house she has is because she has children.

and all of this has enabled her a much easier life to be more wasteful with.

someone in the same job as her on the same money with no kids wouldn’t get a penny from the state and they wouldn’t stand a chance of getting a council place (not round this area maybe some parts of UK are different),

so someone else in the same shoes without kids would have private rent on a tiny flat or bedsit or shared house that would cost about the same as the 3 bedroom house she has because she has kids.

she isn’t stupid and when she isn’t selfishly on drugs she can see how lucky she is that she lives in a world that rewards her mistakes in such a way.

of course with her son getting older the clock is ticking on the help she will receive.

when tax credits stop and her sons disability money is his own she will lose a lot of her monthly income and be expected to struggle and work for what she has like the rest of the world.

I fear she will just start selling her body at this point, or perhaps sooner as even the current finance situation isn’t enough to fund the sort of coke problem she had last year hence £10,000+ of debt she was in.

yet of course if she didn’t destroy our future I would have moved in and we would have had two incomes etc, I would have liked to try and buy the council house too to know we would be secure as we got older, but all of this is commitments she cannot make when under the spell of drugs.

[thelostone]

my God David, this is a BIG problem.

A part of you must feel glad you’ve broken away, surely. You have no future with this woman with her drug use at this serious stage…?

I feel a weight’s been lifted with the letter. It’s off my chest.

[davidk]

part could be a bit glad I guess,

but at the moment I am full of hurt and sadness and anger about it all.

and I still see her as a victim of her own stupidity,

she is just her own worst enemy and she just doesn’t know how to love herself.

like I say, she hates herself for all this stuff too, but how to make the guilt go away, MORE DRUGS of course.

it is just tragic.

you are lucky you are strong enough to break away from your ex and don’t still delude yourself like I do that it could one day get better and be happy ever after.

[thelostone]

when you’ve been hurt and on the and end of abuse as much as i was, it becomes impossible to believe the sorries, and the promises. I can never get back the trust and respect so how could I believe we can have a happy ever after.

weird thing is, because he is still on drugs his routine is messed up and he doesn’t seem to rise til around 12-1pm now. I posted my letter to his downstairs door (can’t get access to his front door).. yet he has already read it (how did it know it was downstairs in his box), and replied to me.

All very weird, but a weight has left my shoulders.

[davidk]

so you didn’t message him to say check your postbox etc.

maybe he hasn’t gone to bed yet.

drug users sure do seem to sleep a lot,

I don’t completely delude myself anymore, hence why now whatever happens I don’t ever intend to live with her as I will never feel secure, I need to provide my own security as I wont ever get that from her.

It just makes me sad to imagine a life without her in it at all, but with people like this its hard to only be part way involved , its all or nothing really, as its too much of a roller coaster to not get emotionally dragged in,

this is why I think her brother just ignored her completely for about ten years,

I think he cares as much about her as I do, but he couldn’t care that much about her and carry on helplessly watching her make her life miserably.

out of sight out of mind, although I bet he still tortured himself for years over it all as I think his brain might be similar to my own.

so has your ex said any more or just left it alone now.

[thelostone]

I didn’t message him no, within 20 minutes of returning home he texted me. ‘Oh my god, heart rending read, I didn’t mean I don’t know what meant wrong literally, of course I know. I’m going to write you another letter. I am burdened by what I’ve done to you. I am redoubling my efforts to get my caseworker to get my place in rehab sorted’

I just thought ‘how did he know to go down and check his box? He must have seen me walking away? Or someone else did and told him? There’s no other way. You wouldn’t go down and check your postbox on a Sunday, would you? God alone knows, he could have gone to collect a drug delivery for all I know.. it’s this sort of thing that sets your mind to churning and tortures you.

I imagine walking away from an addict that is a family member is hard.. although sometimes I think not as hard as someone you have a romantic emotional attachment to. But I think we all feel the same sense of hopelessness, that you can’t help the person, and it just leaves you feeling exhausted and heart broken.

[davidk]

yes certainly strange that he saw it so soon,

I guess someone must have seen you as of course you wouldn’t expect the postman on a Sunday.

Its hard to know, obviously I feel like it is harder for a partner than a family member as I can only relate to it from a partners point of view,

and I imagine a family member always has the extra bond of being blood, so its like no matter what that always exists, where as being just a partner, you feel more vulnerable to being cut off completely forever, and also replaced with the next person etc.

although I imagine the only possible option for a future partner for them would be another drug user as they wouldn’t want another obstacle standing between them and drugs.

you sometimes see these addict couples, it’s very sad,

I actually know of a couple where the girl was a junkie and the guy wasn’t but he loved her so much he didn’t care letting himself become one too.

I guess within someone like that they were already romaticising the junkie lifestyle.

still its sad that one would supposedly love the other and be willing to drag them down with them.

yet now they are no doubt a happy junkie couple because they can share the one thing they both truly love.

here’s a pretty accurate quote I was reminded of the other day

“Junk is the ideal product… the ultimate merchandise. No sales talk necessary. The client will crawl through a sewer and beg to buy”.

William S. Burroughs

[dre80]

“because of the drugs, I didn’t grasp the damage I was doing…

as long as they are using drugs, they don’t have to deal with their conscience.”

where did you have access to this text? the title looks good. I wrote him several letters, about what I discovered on the cell phone about the website prostitutes, the chat with the dealer the day I was there, and talking to other women while with me, being a spoiled son of wealthy parents useless. I thought it was heavy but it was all I wanted to say, I tore them up, it was to relieve. I had already called him, and said everything I thought, that he would never get the motorcycle he wants, because it smells with every use. He just did … uhum … or said nothing. Indifferent, but I believe it is due to psychopathy. They just don’t like to be threatened, so he got mad when I reported that I would go after him if I confirmed HPV. Yes, it was great to write the letter Thelostone. As you already said and you were aware, the weight goes away, and that he is “sober” when reading. The ex doesn’t look for me because he has other interests, I was trying to help him out, it tired him, he just wanted to victimize himself, try to take some money but he couldn’t, absurd because he gets his parents’ allowance. Even if I sent a letter, I already gave direct messages in msg about the prostitutes, the dealer, and talking to others … he doesn’t care, I was an adventure. I remember him simulating facial expressions that mattered. I imagine that you Thelostone has made a lot of difference for him. But look at the opposition in David’s case, he did a lot for her, and she doesn’t value it. You can’t understand their heads.

[thelostone]

that’s what he wrote me. Those texts.

I don’t care what stage he is at, denial, using, contrition, regret… rehab. I don’t care. I just want to heal and protect myself. Now I am just trying to protect myself.

I’ve seen a few desparate junkie couples David, I discovered my partner was using with one couple, and the woman was a heroin addict. To think she was even in his flat makes me want to be physically sick.

[davidk]

it is all just so saddening,

especially as many of us have lived outside of this lifestyle,

I mean as a teenager I smoked weed a bit, and have tried coke and speed a couple of times, but I learnt by the time I was 18 that drugs don’t help me feel good and I have never been addicted to any so seeing the depths it takes adults to in addiction is quite a difference to recreational use as a teenager.

many people have their vices though, but some are more detrimental to themselves and the people they care about than others.

like a lot of people smoke weed everyday, and whilst this isn’t exactly great, it isn’t always completely destroying their life, if they can afford it and they are happy being a lazy sod just eating crap and sitting down a lot ha, but if you have a family and limited money and the drug massively controls your moods and the family goes without things to finance the drug then obviously the same drug in this scenario is having a much greater effect on the people who’s lives it is effecting.

saying that, a friend of mine who smokes weed everyday, when he got married, guess where they went for the honeymoon, Amsterdam of course, I guess his wife knew that a honeymoon pretty much anywhere else would potentially be ruined by him not being able to score weed.

[dre80]

you are right Thelo..about focusing on you, the important thing was to put in the letter what seems certain of the pain of it all. Yes, your physical health first, too. How unpleasant to find out that he does this, even further reinforces your decision to keep him away from you. That after the letter he can understand that he needs to get away from you and live his life, even if he wants to get well, if only because he wants it for himself. With each contact of him, your mind is reactivated unfortunately. That’s why I was recommended to block him on my whatsapp, on social networks to delete, because of me, because he doesn’t even care about me. I read an article about cocaine addicts, who even looking at where they use the drug, or the utensils they use, remember, already makes them want to use it, see how strong this addiction is. You don’t want to go back to him and decide that and don’t go back, but it’s bad that he always tries to have contact, it’s like having the feeling of everything that went wrong upsetting you again. The feeling of disgust I had about him, being able to go out with a prostitute and giving me those illnesses, of them, and he lying, that’s what I try to reinforce. I heard that the moment has to come to feel NOTHING, neither what was good, nor what was bad, nor anger or frustration. It will pass as you said. May they disappear from our minds and your lives, because he doesn’t want to know about my life.

[dre80]

How are you Davidk..?

[icarus-trust]

Hi

So sorry to read all that you have been through. If you would like to contact us at Icarus Trust we could put you in touch with one of our Family friends. We are a charity that supports people living with the affects of addiction and understand how difficult this is. Our Family Friend would listen to you and offer you support.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

I hope this helps. All the best.

[davidk]

Hi all that are following.

so the latest is that over the last few weeks she had been messaging me a bit just every day casual stuff, so nothing addressing the issues.

we spoke for the first time in a month in a video call a couple of days ago, where I learn she has now progressed to smoking weed out of the bedroom window.

and she couldn’t even go without this for the duration of our call.

I find it impossible to imagine being so utterly unaware and insensitive that she could still do that, the thing that has destroyed everything, and we finally speak after a month and she does that on a call. it is beyond my comprehension to behave in this way.

we briefly met up last night,but I said I wouldn’t come in the house so she came out to my car, and absolutely stank of weed.

I popped over to get something I had left there.

we arranged to meet up today when the kids would be out etc (as the main reason I don’t want to go in the house is because I cannot face seeing the kids as I feel that we have completely lost them now to drugs and the only way I can deal with it is to pretend they don’t exist)

So I went round today and the whole house completely stinks of weed the second you open the front door, (as clearly smoking out of a window doesn’t make much difference)

in the bedroom there is just a tray she skins up on covered in fag butts and weed etc, a totally return to the past.

I don’t know if she is doing coke as well, but she has clearly allowed weed to completely re enter her life and a daily lifestyle.

I proceeded to get all my remaining belongings (which all now stink of weed)

I tried to talk to her, tried to make her understand that she doesn’t have to destroy everything etc, but she just says she is happy being single and her life of drugs etc.

It really doesn’t look like a good happy healthy home and certainly not a place you would expect someone who works in a primary school to be living with her own children so i find it very hard to believe she is actually happy, she is just submitted to the drugs now.

she says she is sorry for upsetting me etc, but i just told her there is no point being sorry because she clearly doesn’t understand what it is she has done to hurt me so much, because if she did she would be able to go without weed during a phone call with me or a visit.

I really hope one day she opens her eyes and her and the kids realise I wasn’t the bad guy that I feel they have now turned me into (which she denies but I can just sense it) and that if I ever was trying to control her it was that I was trying to control everyday to be as happy as possible.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to comprehend how someone can be so messed up in their own head to hurt someone like she has hurt me whilst still maintaining to love me.

I still feel like the root of it all is that she hates herself too much to accept being loved, and that is a very hard thing for me to accept.

I’m now going through all the stuff I bought back from hers and just so upset thinking of all the memories of everything we done in 7 years and how drugs can just destroy it all, as without the issue of drugs I really feel we we’re meant to be, and i would have stayed with her till the end of time.

[davidk]

I keep trying to post a reply but some filter keeps blocking it,

it will probably come through 4 times in a bit

[davidk]

my posts still don’t seem to want to come through,

I keep trying so probably be 10 of them at once at this rate

No idea why they are being filtered as they don’t break any guidelines and certainly don’t contain profanity!!

[thelostone]

hi guys,

so I find myself having suffered a … lapse? would you call it?

Under increasing pressure from my partner, who bombarded me with calls and messages, I agreed to support him until he got his rehab date. Yesterday he got his rehab date finally.. and what did he do… he went off and used, for the first time in about 2-3 weeks. He called me and confessed, and I felt all the same despair and anxiety creeping back.

I went for a walk to try and clear my head, but it could not be cleared. So I called him back and headed for his flat. Guess what? He had a drug person there, and would not let me in. He’d decided to carry on using drugs. And I found myself right back where I was 2 years ago.

So as I said to you all, it never ends.

[davidk]

Hi,

sorry to hear this,

when my posts eventually show you will see the latest and currently end point of my story.

I like how you refer to your going back to him as a lapse too, because that is what we are doing, by still allowing them back in it is us letting the problem back into our lives just as they are letting the drugs back into theirs.

what do you intend to do next?

[administrator]

Sorry about that Davidk, there was an error with our spam filter which was blocking your post. We’ve uncensored the post and it can be viewed on page 18.

[davidk]

it still seems to block it as i’ve tried to re post it now so it’s not buried a few pages back now out of context.

so I don’t think the error with spam filter has been fixed.

[thelostone]

I’ve come home. Sent him a few texts. He replied. I’m not trying to reset myself and not go back to where I was two years ago. It’s not easy but I will always put myself first now.

[thelostone]

Now trying*

[davidk]

one thing I am starting to think is that its impossible to remain partially in their lives and stay friends etc.

for us to get over them we need a clean break, in the same way for them to get over drugs they need to completely stop them, as cutting down doesnt work.

last few weeks of having some contact seemed like it was just winding me up whereas when we weren’t talking at all I was still upset but their was no new grief added on top.

[thelostone]

That’s exactly how it is. When you break away at least you have peace of mind and no anxiety. I knew this was coming because I tried to help him as he waited for rehab. But it comes at such a personal cost it’s not worth it.

[davidk]

and the cost the drugs have on them is our love.

I still find it so hard to accept that I am worth less than a stupid drug, that it can have so much power to control people and make them actively fight for their own misery.

but at the same time am I not guilty of the same, to keep wanting this person that causes me such heartache, yet I still want them for the good side, which I guess is what keeps them choosing drugs.

have you ever read any books by irvine welsh? most famous for the book/film trainspotting.

I am currently reading the prequel to it called skag boys.

quite insightful to the way of life these people choose,

and sad reading the chapter of renton dumping his then girlfriend because she would be in the way of his new relationship with heroin and of course heroin was priority number one.

[thelostone]

I haven’t no. I can’t really tolerate reading or watching anything about drugs now, because of my own personal experiences. It’s too painful. I’ve lived it. I don’t wish to see or read more about it.. if that makes sense.

As I said, it’s a battle that never seems to end. I think all we can do is protect ourselves.

[thelostone]

I haven’t no. I can’t really tolerate reading or watching anything about drugs now, because of my own personal experiences. It’s too painful. I’ve lived it. I don’t wish to see or read more about it.. if that makes sense.

As I said, it’s a battle that never seems to end. I think all we can do is protect ourselves.

[thelostone]

I haven’t no. I can’t really tolerate reading or watching anything about drugs now, because of my own personal experiences. It’s too painful. I’ve lived it. I don’t wish to see or read more about it.. if that makes sense.

As I said, it’s a battle that never seems to end. I think all we can do is protect ourselves.

[thelostone]

I haven’t no. I can’t really tolerate reading or watching anything about drugs now, because of my own personal experiences. It’s too painful. I’ve lived it. I don’t wish to see or read more about it.. if that makes sense.

As I said, it’s a battle that never seems to end. I think all we can do is protect ourselves.

[thelostone]

I haven’t no. I can’t really tolerate reading or watching anything about drugs now, because of my own personal experiences. It’s too painful. I’ve lived it. I don’t wish to see or read more about it.. if that makes sense.

As I said, it’s a battle that never seems to end. I think all we can do is protect ourselves.

[davidk]

yeh I can get that,

some of it is pretty hard to read,

but at the same time I feel like its helping me see into the side of the person that my girlfriend spent so long hiding.

of course every addict is different, but it sure seems like in a lot of ways they are all the same though

[davidk]

Hi, how have you been?

[thelostone]

Hi David, well I found myself back into my partner’s world, which had a negative impact on my mental health and well-being. However, I allowed it for one reason only, in 3 days he goes into rehab and I won’t have to deal with it anymore. I feel I’ve done my duty to support him through this time, and I feel ok right now. Counting down the days. But essentially I am protecting myself as best I can, and I have to say, my partner HAS been on his best behaviour, and trying his hardest, which is all I can ask of him until he goes. How are you?

[davidk]

cool so how long will he be in rehab for, and what is you intention when he gets out.

I posted a few pages back the latest in my story, but it kept getting blocked, so by the time it finally came through we had a couple more pages of messages.

that said, since then, getting all my stuff from her house etc, I didn’t think we would speak at all, but in fact she has been in touch a lot.

I feel like something has changed within me though, I guess time has helped, as you can’t stay the same level of angry or upset etc indefinitely

I now feel a certain kind of acceptance of things I think.

Like I know it is completely out of my control to try and remove her desire for drugs, and where before I was attempting to control that, now I don’t.

I have met up with her a couple of times, and avoided arguing and she acts like everything is fine in her life, but obviously the fact that she has completely submitted to weed on a daily basis now and I have my suspicions that she is doing coke too, pretty much speaks for how fine things really are.

I think I now understand how big a part self deception plays in their lives though, and with less of me around it is easier for her to deceive herself.

Like she is doing drugs but also decorating the bedroom, and doing lots of baking and going on walks etc, so she has positive things too, but I’m sure in her head this is all just part of the balancing act of convincing herself that she is ok because she is doing positive things too, but really its over compensating.

And I think the main task in their heads is figuring out how to manage with drugs, rather than realising that they should be trying to manage without drugs,

since finding this weird acceptance though I feel like I don’t even spend much time thinking about any of it anymore, Its almost like a weight is lifted from me really, as in some ways not only am I no longer trying to deal with her addiction, but I am no longer a pretend parent etc, I no longer have any responsibility to anyone else.

Its like I am the old me again ha.

Also, I read a bit about codependency relationships, and can see how in some ways it was like I had become like that, and its funny as research into that would normally look at historic traumas that make people this way, yet I am quite sure in my case it wasn’t anything historic, it was the present situation, being the partner to an addict, and the changes it makes on all of us because of what we are dealing with.

[thelostone]

wow I am really pleased for you. You seem to have made a massive leap in your personal progress. That is such good news.

You’re right, if she is balancing her life with the drugs still in, she is nowhere near to acceptance.

My partner is now at the stage where he feels this is his last chance, not just to kick it, but with us. Me? I am not so sure. I don’t think beyond just wanting to see him off, and get some balance and peace back into my life. I don’t think beyond each day. It’s the easiest way to live, no expectations, no disappointments.

I’m so glad you’re in a better place. Maybe with enough time, your girlfriend will start to see what she’d losing, or lost? They usually do.

[davidk]

well i hope rehab helps him sort himself out,

Do you see yourself as more like a supportive friend rather than a romantic interest in him now.

here’s a quote from a book I was reading that I think sums up my current calm

“once you’ve vanished its best to stay that way,to return is to rematerialise into the madness of others”

so by refusing to re enter the home or even see the kids or anything, I have avoided the madness of that house rematerilising for me, and for me to return there I think would just cause all the previous hurt and emotion to return, but currently out of sight out of mind seems to be working.

[thelostone]

I am just supporting him right now.

I know that when he goes he will be away for at least 3 months, which gives me time to reset myself.

[davidk]

3 months will give you a good break,

and at least you will know he is in the best place so should give your head just what it needs and deserves

[thelostone]

well he’s gone David, leaving behind a filthy drug dealer who is claiming he owes him money. I won’t go into any more details… but he is now in a safe place, and I get at least 3 months sanity – time to think, time to breath.

How are you doing?

[davidk]

Glad to hear he is in rehab now,

can he check himself out or is that it for certain for 3 months now.

its certainly the mental holiday you deserve and I hope this dealer isn’t going to be bothering you for his debt.

[thelostone]

No he wouldn’t bother me with his money problems. Thing is, he doesn’t owe any money. It’s a classic scam the dealers do to get you caught into their debt. He can leave if it wants, and if he does, I will have no more to do with him.

[davidk]

fingers crossed he stays in, I guess the first few weeks of detox will be the hardest part.

glad the dealer won’t be knocking on your door then.

[thelostone]

He was clean for approx 11 days before he went in, he was feeling ill.. but he is in there now.

I’ve seen several programmes about the police and drugs and how these dealers ask addicts to ‘deliver’ something, or look after something, before you know it, it’s gone missing and you have to work the debt off. It’s a classic ploy they use. They then get you either dealing, delivering or using your house/flat to do their dirty work. I’ve no doubt my partner owes them nothing as he said himself, these people don’t give you credit. They just don’t like losing paying customers. But he is away from the area now.

He is free to leave the rehab, but he was so desperate to go, I don’t think he will. So I am hoping he gets himself clean and well. I don’t think beyond today and just keeping myself fit and well.

How are things with you?

[thelostone]

He was clean for approx 11 days before he went in, he was feeling ill.. but he is in there now.

I’ve seen several programmes about the police and drugs and how these dealers ask addicts to ‘deliver’ something, or look after something, before you know it, it’s gone missing and you have to work the debt off. It’s a classic ploy they use. They then get you either dealing, delivering or using your house/flat to do their dirty work. I’ve no doubt my partner owes them nothing as he said himself, these people don’t give you credit. They just don’t like losing paying customers. But he is away from the area now.

He is free to leave the rehab, but he was so desperate to go, I don’t think he will. So I am hoping he gets himself clean and well. I don’t think beyond today and just keeping myself fit and well.

How are things with you?

[davidk]

yeh it’s a shame the police just can’t do enough to stop the dealers

I was feeling a lot more positive recently but started feeling shit again yesterday,

it was her daughters birthday yesterday,

I didn’t message to say happy birthday as I feel to bitter about everything, but part of me still feels bad that I am having to turn my back on the family, but I feel so utterly betrayed by them.

no doubt this will only further their image of me being the bad guy, but what about all the hurt they have caused me, why should I always be the one to rise above it.

I felt like they clearly don’t give a shit about me, when I left for the final time her daughter was to busy smoking weed in the garden to even say goodbye, and effectively its her that has caused all this anyway,

also, when I was getting my stuff the other week I saw her son and he couldn’t even say hello, so if that’s how I’m being treated then why should I make an effort,

I made the effort back at xmas and look where that got me.

everything is just taken for granted by the whole family, none of them seem to have any respect or appreciation for anything anyone does for them.

I could deal with my partner having a relapse, I couldn’t deal with the betrayal coming from within the house and her having a relapse at her own daughters hands, and perhaps one day her daughter will open her eyes and realise she has caused her mum to have a complete relapse and destroyed a relationship with someone that would do anything to help all three of them, was I really worth so little.

also, I saw my girlfriend had posted a thing on facebook about how she knows true love because she thinks she would be happy to see me with someone else that could treat me properly and accepting that she couldn’t so therefore seeing me happy means more to her than her own selfish desires.

this annoyed me too, as it’s basically admitting that she has treated me like shit yet she is posting that on there for everyone else to see yet she knows I wouldn’t normally see it as I rarely go on, and surely she should be saying some kind of apology to me, not some bullshit thing like that on facebook,

i felt like commenting on it saying “sadly I’ll probably never find someone else as I have had my trust and faith in honesty utterly shattered”

so yeh, this just got me thinking like mad yesterday and bringing back all the feelings of hurt they have caused me.

[thelostone]

but just so you know, it’s perfectly normal to be going through all these emotions. Like myself, I think you need to step away and allow yourself time to heal.

If she’s accepting you deserve better than she can give, then she clearly realises that she has been wrong in how she’s treated you – so try not to respond, or react. It doesn’t do you any good to become bitter. Whilst using, no addict is going to really see the damage they have done. And until they accept that they have a problem and get help, it won’t improve – so it’s best to walk away.

If you have been a presence that challenges their drug use, then you are going to a welcome absence. No addict wants someone around challenging their behaviour and telling them what they are doing is wrong and damaging.. it kinda kicks at their conscience. So just continue to step back, stay away and heal yourself.. and don’t beat yourself up for however you feel. Accept your feelings, acknowledge them, and then take steps to deal with them. It’s ok to have a bad day or two.. just keep telling yourself you will also have good days.

[davidk]

yes this is totally why I think she threw me away as it was harder for her to keep up the delusion that their isn’t a problem when we kept arguing about it.

its mad that they think the problem was the arguing itself, yet the reason of the arguments has only gotten worse since I left, so surely the kids should see that, that removing me hasn’t actually removed the problem, only they can now all pretend it doesn’t exist.

I went out for a big walk today so feel a bit better now, and had been feeling a lot better in general the last few weeks, it was just the birthday thing yesterday bringing things to the surface,

also another thing this week,as i have been sorting out all the things I bought home from her house, she had put all my books into bags, and as I was going through the bags I noticed a receipt from iceland in the bag, and this just confirmed yet another part of her deception as back when i first returned at new year I commented on how she has no money 2 days after she gets money yet the cupboards are all empty, she claimed to have done a huge shop in iceland, which I knew at the time was clearly bullshit, and now 2 months later stumbling across the £51 receipt only confirmed what I already knew.

this conversation happened in front of the kids and they seemed fooled at the time by her saying about how much they had eaten the last two days, I feel like showing them the receipt as proof of the bullshit that I have been sold out to, obviously I wont, but its so frustrating that I have been reduced to less than all these lies.

so there is case in point, argument over how she is clearly wasting money on drugs, me looking out for the kids as its them that wont be fed properly as a result of this, yet its turned round that i am somehow the bad guy in this, yet she is the one literally affording drugs through benefits that she isn’t using to look after the children with. and now without me there how exactly does that resolve this problem, clearly it doesn’t, it just means it is now even easier for her to waste money unquestioned.

[thelostone]

You just need to get to the stage where you’re not ruminating on all these things.. all these things that pop into your head and cause you pain. Because trying to have a relationship with an addict is pretty much full time pain, and they do nothing to atone for it, until they get clean.

Just try to focus on your self healing, it’s all you can do right now. Deep breaths and tell yourself ‘let it go’

[davidk]

I know this really, and it had been going pretty well on the whole, I had been sleeping good etc, but last few nights i haven’t and I think then it is worse until i get a good nights sleep, so fingers crossed I sleep better tonight.

also, the thing that bothers me so much is that fact that 2 children that aren’t addicts seem so blind to it all, that is the part I find hardest to deal with as surely we should have all wanted the best for their mum and been on the same team, us vs addiction.

I can mentally deal with my girlfriend in all this better than the kids, as at least she has a drug problem to make some form of excuse for her behavior, but the kids I find completely baffling, like surely if anyone should know the negative side of drugs better than anyone it is them as that is the life they have had to live.

and its not like these are young children, 15 and 21, surely old enough to get the bigger picture.

[dre80]

When I read your answers to Davidk I feel blessed for precious lessons for me. Like to not be easy but put myself first. And to watch out about expectations, no expectations no disappointment. We always expect the best of people, from ourselves either, but to put ourselves first instead look outside, for them, and they don’t really think about us as precious…when using days in a row.

The guy I was going out, 3 months away from him… then I was mad because he didn’t help me with the diseases, talking to him insistently, he bought the medication that I was needing yet. He said that didn’t have notice that the problem was so serious aff!

And now in March, I was again with him, here at my place. He only says that he needs to stop, then he was using everyday, he showed me with his cellphone how he uses and how much, was oh my, with salt.

He will not stop. Really, cocaine is not easy to get out. He gave me birthday present, chocolates, truly for the problems last year…diseases etc.

But he had no initiative to invite me to go for a walk, or being here with me. He send messages but always me to invite him here. He only lives by parents money, society money (if he didn’t have this society with his friend, dad’s money, he would never stop any job…for sure), and thinking about himself and cocaine, beer etc.

He said again he doesn’t want serious relationship (responsibility that he doesn’t have with himself) of course. I don’t want serious relationships with him either, because he is a serious addict, selfish. But I would not like to be alone… I would like to meet a nice man, who really cares about me, call me to go for a walk, nice places and conversations.

I was reading Davidk and your posts, the best thing would take care of our lives, stop contact with them, like they should do with drugs, not half contact…like an addict… God help us.

I’m learning a lot with you guys here.

[davidk]

Hi Dre

sorry to hear things haven’t been going well for you,

it really sounds like he is a waste of time, and doesn’t have any respect for you,

you really are better off cutting him out of your life, and hopefully by doing so you will move on and find someone who treats you right.

at least you haven’t invested years of your life with him.

but of course this is all easier said than done.

I was talking to my girlfriend and seeing her again for a few weeks,

but now we aren’t talking at all again,

basically I feel like to move on we need to address the things that happened and be able to discuss them in order to try and move forward, but when I attempted to do this she turned into that other person inside her head that is impossible to have a conversation with.

of course this pushes the buttons for me too, so it just turns into an argument.

its so frustrating as I only want to talk about things to try and help resolve them and hopefully get over the negative feelings I feel about everything, but its hard to ever do that if nothing ever changes and yet again I just feel unappreciated and hurt.

I’ve never known anyone be so difficult, and so stubborn, I think these are common traits amongst drug users though, and every time we let them back into our lives we make the mistake of thinking we can penetrate through this wall they have built around themselves and actually get somewhere, but ultimately we get nowhere and things go straight back to where we started. the endless cycle…..

how are things with you “thelostone”?

[jadeem]

After reading this I can relate totally. Minus the children your partner sounds the same as mine. All I can say is you sound like a lovely person and you really don’t deserve this. I’d love to sit here and write you need to leave but I probably need to do the same!

[davidk]

thanks for reading and the comment, and yes of course all of us need to leave these partners, but I guess if it was that easy a forum like this wouldn’t exist at all 🙂

[thelostone]

…

[thelostone]

Hi David,

my partner went into rehab 3 weeks ago.. so I am enjoying the peace of mind and space. He calls me pretty much every day, and I can say for the first time that he is clinically ‘clean’ – but will he stay clean when he comes back home.. I really don’t ever think he will.. to be brutally honest. This is where I am. Not worrying WHAT will happen when he comes home. I am just enjoying the space and peace.

As long as your girlfriend is still using, you ARE wasting your time talking to her. Trust me, I know from bitter experience. But it’s best to cut off and if she shows no sign of stopping, cut loose.

[davidk]

annoying when it doesn’t let us post, don’t know why something triggers spam filter sometimes.

I don’t actually know if she is using or not,

we met up a few times and had really nice days together and she seemed like her good self, but thats the thing, she can only be like this if I keep my mouth shut, as soon as I try and talk about anything she turns into a different person.

so its not fair that things can only ever work if I bottle up how I feel, it shouldn’t be like that.

she is creating a negative environment for herself as she is her own worst enemy.

whilst I have no contact with her it is almost easier, as I have to let things go, whereas when we started talking again, it just opens up all these questions again and wanting answers but she is just too impossible to get anywhere with.

perhaps she is still using, or it is just too soon for her to be able to accept things and try to work through them, so maybe I shouldn’t have pushed it too soon, but then it’s back to everything always being about them and their feelings, whilst as usual our emotions are pushed back.

[thelostone]

..

[thelostone]

if she is not willing to open up and talk to you honestly, and take on board what you are saying.. she is still using. This is what they do. Invalidate your feelings. It’s called denial. Deny they have a problem, deny it affects anyone but them, deny that it’s harmful… it’s all the same pattern of behaviour. So, just break away.. for your own sanity and long term well being. She doesn’t sound anywhere near ready to stop using or even accept that she has a problem. And she may NEVER accept that she has a problem, so how long do you want to keep fighting?

Sorry if I sound … blunt… but I’ve been there and done it myself, and wish someone had said this to me when I was fighting. Now.. I can say I am in a better place. My partner has at least acknowledged how damaged he is and that he needed to help, and he is where he is, getting that help. But do I think he will stay clean when home? NO. All trust is gone. 🙁

[davidk]

I think you are probably right,

although she is so stubborn and awkward in general that I think its like a defense mechanism in her brain, that if anyone is “attacking” her, she turns into a different person and attacks back harder.

of course this means that any attempt to ever discuss anything she has done to hurt me means I am “attacking” her by talking about it.

so it is just a complete catch 22.

basically the options are keep your mouth shut or split up, that’s all she offers and I am so sick and tired of it now.

the saying “my way or the highway” is her approach to people in general and the relationship is certainly no exception to this.

Hope the rehab isn’t a waste of time, and he is ready to see it through when he gets out, for your sake as much as his own.

but yes of course, all trust is gone, yet my partner in the next breathe will seem shocked that I don’t believe a thing she says, is he like that too, like they are so quick to forget the way they have treated people.

[thelostone]

“if anyone is “attacking” her, she turns into a different person and attacks back harder.

of course this means that any attempt to ever discuss anything she has done to hurt me means I am “attacking” her by talking about it.” That is all classic drug behaviour.

With regard to the trust thing, no my partner knows what he’s done. He has apologised more than once and said that he totally understands there is no trust. He has a lot of things to face in rehab, his own issues and unresolved things… but he has for a long time acknowledged his behaviour towards me, the lies, the deceit, the abuse… I have written him many letters – before he went to rehab.

Maybe you could write a letter?

[davidk]

yeh I had thought about writing it all down in a letter

but then its back to it being me having to be the one resolving things again rather than her ever doing anything about it.

I just don’t know why she is so incapable of making things better, why am I the one trying to fix everything that she has broken.

surely any normal person that has broken things that they don’t want to lose would make some effort and gesture to fix it, but she is so good at turning everything back to front.

Its almost like your partner has cheated and instead of being sorry and trying to make things better, they somehow make it you that was in the wrong and you that has to fix it, thats how it feels.

for the minute I am just staying quiet, will see if she contacts me after a while as I hope she will calm down and eventually figure out that she has hurt me in ways that can only be fixed if she fixes them.

[thelostone]

But you are only writing it down in the hope she will read it. It’s just so you can say what you need to say. But right now, she is in total denial. A drug addict deep in addiction will not admit to any hurt or harm they’ve caused.

It sounds like she doesn’t care too much 🙁 She seems to care more about the drugs and her lifestyle than your relationship.

[thelostone]

But you are only writing it down in the hope she will read it. It’s just so you can say what you need to say. But right now, she is in total denial. A drug addict deep in addiction will not admit to any hurt or harm they’ve caused.

It sounds like she doesn’t care too much 🙁 She seems to care more about the drugs and her lifestyle than your relationship.

[davidk]

well its so weird,

because she had been seeming better, and acting like her old self,

but I think she probably just keeps going back and forth between feeling positive and wanting to stop, and then using again, the endless cycle. which without proper help I cannot see her breaking anytime soon.

I should write it all down though, whether or not I’ll send it her is a different matter, and then she is 2 people so it would depend which one read it.

[notmyrealname]

How are you doing david?

[thelostone]

You should. Do it for yourself.

[davidk]

hi thelostone,

how things going with you, is he still in rehab?

[thelostone]

Hi David,

Yes he is. He calls me pretty much every day and although he has his ups and downs he seems determined to do it.

How are things with you?

[davidk]

thats good to hear.

hopefully it does finish the course then.

pretty miserable here,

we haven’t spoke at all for over 3 weeks,

the more time that passes the more hurt I feel,

I can think of nothing but everything that’s happened and she acts like she doesn’t care.

some days I am ok or just angry, and then other days I just feel so sad about it all and start randomly crying.

I think it’s cus its not just drugs, but as a result of the damage I have now lost everything that was my life, the family, the home the cats, my sense of responsibility, It was my purpose, so now I just feel empty and completely cheated by them, and all I want is for them to fix things and make it all ok but I know they are all too messed up to even see themselves at fault so I will just endlessly feel like shit wanting answers that they wont/cant give.

[notmyrealname]

I read all this and it made me think of a codependent relationship, I saw someone mention on another post. I think because you have invested so much into them you now kind of rely on them to need you.

I think you should invest your kind and caring nature elsewhere. Is there anyone else that you can take care of, maybe an elderly neighbour or you could do some volunteering. You have a good heart and unfortunately it sounds wasted on these people . You obviously want to do good in the world.

I understand you have loved this woman but even taking into account the addictions I think their behaviour has gone too far and it doesn’t sound like they ever appreciated anything you have done.

[davidk]

hi thanks for reading,

I have read about codependency relationships too, and have certainly noticed some similarities between that and my own relationship.

its weird because I don’t typical fall into the type of person to be like that, whereas my partners kids would be quite possibly likely to end up like that as they have spent all their lives surrounded by chaos and disorder and having to always put their mums emotions before their own.

although I guess in the time we were together I then had to start putting her feelings before my own too as does anyone around her.

I am just heartbroken by things really, and had invested all that time building what I thought was my future, I guess part of me did like having a sense of responsibility from it all.

Talking to a friend yesterday about it all, he pointed out that I was basically having to be the adult for all 3 of them, and this was largely the problem that the dynamic was all wrong, and she was incapable of being the parent.

essentially I never wanted to take care of them or anyone though, only to help them be better to themselves.

the thing that is so hard to explain to people especially anyone who hasn’t had a partner like this is that, when the “good” version of the partner is there, things are amazing and you feel invincible and on top of the world, but this is why when the bad version comes back it makes you fall so far.

And I am just clinging onto the top of the world still.

It really is just loving someone but there is 2 people in their head and you hate the other one, and trying to fight that one away.

[notmyrealname]

Hi yes my partner is a cocaine addict so I completely understand. he lives with me and we have young children so it is more difficult to detach. When I have asked him to leave in the past he wouldn’t go and if I was to leave I would have to make plans for rehousing me and the kids. I feel that you are fortunate in that your housing situation doesn’t rely on them.

From reading up on it I have recognised that ours is probably a co dependency of sorts so I am going to be working on that, I only heard of it a couple of days ago so there’s much for me to learn.

Yes they can be the nicest people when they are at their best, Iv never met anyone like my husband but reading on here he sounds exactly like everyone else when he’s at his worst.

I know exactly how you feel about being embarrassed, cringey ashamed at some of their behaviour that why I chose this user name as before I really read lots of posts on here I was so ashamed I thought I was quite alone in what I was experiencing.

[thelostone]

I really do feel for you. Because I don’t think you will get the answers you want either… neither your ex or her family seem anywhere near wanting to stop.. and that is the problem.

When you love an addict, anger becomes your second nature. Anger and heartache. You’ve had to walk out and leave behind your entire life because she is just too selfish to stop.. but be brutally honest with yourself.. what does that tell you about how much she values and loves you?

I’ve been where you are, and I would advise you just start to deal with the recurring thoughts. Not block them, but acknowledge them and then let them go. Just tell yourself.. ‘let it go’ because otherwise it will eat you up and make you angry. The pain does pass. Believe me. But you cannot possibly continue the way things are, you are completely at loggerheads over your lifestyles.

[davidk]

it’s just so frustrating because all the solutions are just so obvious, yet they are all just so blind.

and its like no amount of spiting themselves would ever make them see that they are their own worst enemies.

all the problems within their home that could be resolved as they are all caused from within, but they are just so determined to bury their heads in the sand and think if you ignore things they go away.

its just so hard to love someone so much yet have to stand back and do nothing

its hard for me to just let it go, its not my nature, I’m so committed to things and also have a tendency to dwell on stuff so it is just eating me up

[thelostone]

Addicts are two people. You have the real version of them, the loving caring funny intelligent person, and then you have the drug version – the selfish, uncaring, rude, arrogant, denying, lying a**hole. That is a universal truth, whoever the person. They will sell their granny to get their drugs and have NO compunction lying.

So unless your partner sees the problem in her use, there is literally NO hope for you. And yes, it’s heartbreaking. No only losing the true person, but also dealing with the damage they cause you, the pain, the heartache, the sense of loss..

you really have to deal with your heartache and start to resolve these things, so that you can find peace. Heartache doesn’t last forever.

[dre80]

thelostone, I still come here sometimes to read your lessons and advice to David, as they are so precious and mature. Fruit of the pain that made you stronger and love yourself more. I had left the ex, I returned and we stayed a month together (march) he doesn’t want be with someone to worryabout being tired or have used coc@ine, and he dismissed me saying that it is time for him to be alone, and that he was fond of me. I know I was wrong to come back, I just didn’t want to be alone. In part I understand Davi, codependence, having invested and not having a return, not having been validated, and some good times. Now in April, already without him, after 4 months together (I was sick with a sexual illness that he passed on to me) helping both of us, he listless, indifferent. Then he bought me the medicine I asked for when away from him. And on returning, he again confused. I didn’t appreciate myself. He is strongly a psychop@t@ alcoholic addict, as Sam Vaknin says … I victimized myself and want to left the state of victim. I wanted to enter into this relationship, ignored the red flags, and remained in need, I regret it. This is what you said to David, I take so much for myself, if you love yourself, if you respect yourself, the pain of love passes. We cling to false, selfish people, to the difficulty. Love is simpler than that! Thelostone, I just unfriended him on Instagram and Facebook, and the next day he blocked me (angry I think), I said when he broke up with me, that I wouldn’t be one of the girls he used to give up on but he never went out … and that are poorly resolved on his social media shelf. Yes, I am suffering … because from another profile, I saw a movement of him with a woman very out of the standard that I have. I know that I am better than he deserved, the way is to allow time and God to heal me, I have prayed. To stroll. Read. Cry too. David, it wasn’t years that I spent, but I really hope you get out of it like me. Detoxing her. I will succeed … it is frustration to have been with someone like this, so as not to be alone and to have been “rejected” by an addict. His facial expressions, at the end, completely false, forced suffering and pity to end. I need to let go of the anger. David …. anger generates bonds with them, releasing them inside, every day as Thelostone said, let the thought go …. if we fight we get angry, I pray to forgive, forgive myself for having taken that 7 months. What the hell.

[notmyrealname]

Of course I understand your struggles to let go of her. But is there anything for you in all this? . When you say you remember the good in her, how long has it been since you’ve seen that person? It sounds like she’s very deep in it at the moment and doesn’t want to change at all.

[davidk]

Hi,

sorry I’ve been slow replying on here,

sometimes coming on here helps but other times I just try to avoid it as I do tend to work myself up.

anyway, currently I still haven’t made contact with her, so that’s over 5 weeks now.

pretty shocking that she still hasn’t in that time reflected on things enough to realise that it should be her contacting me, with one big apology.

but I don’t really think I will ever get it, or I certainly won’t whilst she wants drugs.

as for your question of whats in it for me etc,

well whilst she is like this, nothing is in it for me but hurt,

but I guess I’m still hoping for that other her to return, and weirdly she does return pretty quick once she’s opened her eyes again and wants to stop using drugs.

so I have had this side of her in recent times and on and off throughout all the bad times, which I guess is what keeps me going with some faith all the time.

I wonder if what we go through with our partners is similar to what someone goes through caring for a loved one with dementia etc, as that must be similar in that you love the person so much, and their body remains, but the person you love just seems to have gotten lost inside their body somewhere.

[notmyrealname]

Hi David,

I know what you mean there are like two people and you do feel like the good one is lost in there. The only thing is they have chosen to be lost as there are people in recovery who choose not to carry on living this way.

For me it feels more like being cheated on with all the heart break, the apologies the second chances, The other person sneaking around trying not to get caught. And then when they do get caught they are so sorry and regret it yet they go and do it again.

Reading your other answers I would imagine shes only held onto the home, family etc as you have been holding it all together up until 5 weeks ago, I don’t think that she will keep hold of all of this as time goes on. I would say maybe that would be the rock bottom she needs to change her life, but it sounds like that already happened when you met her.

In terms of her having a realisation I don’t think that can ever happen while that lifestyle is still what she wants. In all the years my husbands most dramatic improvement has been the last few months when he started to actually want to change himself.

Have you been keeping busy since you left? Will your furlough be ending soon?

[davidk]

Hi,

yeh its an interest thing isn’t it, like is it a choice, as they aren’t strong enough to stop it,

although the thing that she hurt me the most with wasn’t using drugs in itself but all the abusive behavior and lies etc that went with it which surely she has some choice of that.

I totally agree that it is like being cheated on, but my girlfriend is rarely sorry for anything, especially when she is still self delusional under the spell of drugs.

for example, about 3 weeks ago, she asked a friend of mine to help her move a large item with his truck, so he did this thinking it might be a good thing as he can then see what its like round there.

she then said to him how she hasn’t been smoking etc and then lit up a spliff, and basically tried to make out that the problem was me being up tight about it etc.

Him being my closest friend obviously he knows all the details etc so he knows this is total bullshit, and I told him I didn’t mind him helping her so long as he stood up to her if she in any way tried to turn things around about me.

so he did stand up for me, and challenged her a bit about how drugs are in no way making her life better etc.

but anyway my point is, to me her smoking during his short visit was just like rubbing it in my face and it is basically the same as if she had been cheating on me and then asked my friend around and the person she cheated on me with was round there, that’s how it felt to me, like i was being attacked via my friend as she obviously knew he would tell me everything.

so that was after 3 weeks of us having not spoken, which I would have hoped would be long enough for her to reflect on things and realise she has treated me like shit and should be trying to fix things but instead she just uses the opportunity of seeing my friend to anger me more.

[davidk]

oh and as for work,

no idea when I will be back, as long as furlough scheme is in place my workplace will probably be making use of it unless the order books go up a lot.

I have been trying to stay busy though, mostly going on walks each day,

I also have quite a long routine in the morning with yoga/exercise.

also been doing some music etc and see a few friends sometimes so not too bad really.

how about you? whats your work situation?

[liberty]

Notmyreal name, I hope you don’t mind me replying here, but agreeing with what you say, it’s like there’s another person, but it’s a substance.

Everything and everyone come last while the drugs come first. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lost out to crack, or even the green.

Wishing you positivity and better times.

[jetster9]

It sounds like you have been through so much, and not been appreciated. Please don’t go back to this person, stay strong and make a new life for yourself however hard that might be. Don’t look back.

[davidk]

thanks for your kind words,

I know that’s what I should do, and kind of currently am,

yet I know if she came back to me with the apology I feel I deserve then I probably would want her back, as pathetic as that is.

[liberty]

David, thank you for sharing your story, I have taken some comfort in reading it and the comments. I feel for you all.

My story is very similar, bf won’t stop, can’t stop, switches between speaking about giving up, or his wanting of me to accept him for who he is.

David, I know it’s hard, you’re on that middle stone, you’ve reached a make or break scenario, it’s your time to step forward into the scary unknown or to step back to who and what you’ve come to love.

And I get it, it’s so hard because I bet there were so many good times and this family are fully woven into your person and your life. I can imagine you want for life to be everything you’ve hoped it would be for so long, with the people you’re so connected with. You’ve worked so so hard to make it good, all that time, energy, emotional, physical and financial support and for what.

That must be pretty damaging to anyone’s ego and sense of self, to feel your efforts shunned like this, but by no means are you a failure.

Working hard for something, when the outcome doesn’t just depend on your actions, but also on the actions and commitment of others, doesn’t guarantee success. It shows you’re a really strong balanced individual, who knows what they want and are willing to fight for it, but I’ve learnt that if the people you chose to try and build a good life with for so long aren’t sharing that same vision of what that life should be, they likely never will.

I urge you to listen to your gut. Sometimes, irrespective of how invested we’ve been, we have to step back. By the sounds of it too, you’re at a natural acceptable point in which you can do that. It’s hard to step forward into the unknown, but I urge you not to let fear hold you back.

I don’t know if anyone else finds this, but why do addicts seem to seek a relationship with a non-addict. My bf, the addict he is (lifelong crack) I’ve often asked him why he just isn’t with someone who is also an addict, who can accept because they are the same, he’s not interested in “that type of person” and would “rather be single”. I digress, and I suppose it’s all subjective.

David, I’m not at the stage you’re at, but I do feel I’m very close. In a way I’m

Preparing for the inevitable, with sadness and trepidation.

The one motivation I have is that hopefully at some point it will be my turn to have a good life, and I’ve been searching for it for a very long time, with limited success, but life is short and we only live once, so to hell with fear.

I wish you well in whatever happens next, I really do.

[davidk]

Hi liberty

thanks for reading my story and your kind words.

you make some very good points,

interesting about the choice of partners addicts have although I guess this isn’t always the case as you do get couples that are both users,

I have thought about this a lot though, that basically the only thing I wouldn’t do for my girlfriend was condone drugs.

so that means the only thing any future partner for her could ever offer her that I didn’t was a shared love for drugs.

pretty sad really that that would be worth more than everything else.

Have you noticed though that people with problems surround themselves with others with the same problems, I guess they find it easier to be honest about themselves if their friends are similar, whereas someone like me makes it harder for them to keep up the self delusion.

So what stage are things at with your boyfriend,

how long have you been together and do you have kids/house etc together tying you down?

I find it quite ironic that all the things a drug problem normally causes the user to lose (family, home, pets,job) are all the things I am losing whilst she keeps it all (job doesn’t really count but I am currently still on furlough so job security on top of everything else feels strangely relevant to my current state)

[liberty]

David, thanks, thank goodness job isn’t on that list, as long as it is, thank goodness you do have some stability. When you say you’ve lost family, do you mean the family circle you created with her, I.e.. you/her and the step-kids? Or do you also mean you are somewhat disconnected from your own blood relatives?

Also, don’t sit and wonder about her next partner, I expect she hit the jackpot with you, sounds like her life hasn’t lacked dramas, and I’m not meaning to sound rude here, but drama suggests to me her expectations of other people and herself are rather low. Just look at the company she keeps and her inability to sustain stability in several forms. And as for users surrounding themselves with other users, my bf doesn’t tend to do as much of that as others do, although I think partly that’s an age thing, but when he does it’s just circumstantial meetings as a consequence of similar lifestyle choices. That whole relatability thing. Also, he’s always told me how time spent time with other addicts only made him realise no matter how nice they are to him, they’d sell any part of him they could, if they could.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I expect the next guy your girl gets with doesn’t take much thinking about on her part.

I could also be wrong, but I wouldn’t be surprised if, as you haven’t heard from her in a while, that the next time you do hear from her is after she’s had a rebound gone wrong and longs for the ex (you), as so is often the case. Anyway, just speculating here, and if that is case, even if she offers you the apology you want, in any form, I urge you to take it with a pinch of salt, for both your sakes.

As for sharing your life with the good version of her, quite honestly, and I’m guessing here, you sound like you’re early 30’s, stable job, all be it on furlough, and you do sound very handy around the house, very supportive, in touch with your emotions, so many girls would absolutely jump through hoops to be with a charming sounding guy like you. Real talk. How do you know she was so perfect for you?

If it’s a question of will you meet someone else you feel a connection with? I’m wondering, have you tried? As scary and as daunting as it sounds. I’m not in any doubt that you can.

As for me, we have no bounds, no. I’ve prioritised other things over children, i moved in with my mum and have been here through lockdown, so we’re not currently living together. I since decided I want my own place, so I’ve gone and taken steps to do that. I’m in the process of moving, it’s lovely, so I’m happy about that. I have space to breathe. I can’t tolerate the drugs anymore, irrespective of how much I love him, but now, it’s not the same.

I suppose I’ve never been careful enough about who I share my life with, in relationship terms anyway. Now I’m nearing another decade, it’s kind of now or never to start making the right decisions, or risk not knowing enough about my own life to be able to share it and have someone truly share who I am, or even begin to appreciate the person I hope I am/the person I’m trying to be, faults and all.

It’s true what they say, the relationships forged when we are young really are some of the most important of our lives.

I also haven’t quite given up on the children thing, but I’m starting to, age is winning that, as well as many other battles now.

Sending care, and reminding you, do be kind to yourself. Xx

[davidk]

Hi Liberty,

by losing family and pets I meant the family with her yes, so not any of my family,

although to be honest I feel like its probably only the cats that miss me now ha.

We never had kids together (I’ve never wanted any and she had them young) so it was never an issue, but I can assure you if I did have them they would NOT be left there with her now. I feel bad enough about leaving her kids and the cats in the shit like this, but they chose not to back me up when I was trying to confront the problem and have actively encouraged it, so what more can I do but hope by them seeing things go downhill again that that will speak for itself why I was acting as I was and they will see what I was trying to prevent.

and yeh you are nearly right, I’m nearly 35, so not quite early thirties anymore ha,

but I do have my “shit together” for the most part, I’m good with money and can drive and have an alright job (hopefully I still have one to return to) and if I love someone then I don’t need to celebrate valentines day because I will treat them good every day and buy nice gifts anytime I see something thoughtful.

I don’t imagine many women would complain if they had a boyfriend that did half the gestures I would do for her.

I felt like I had become the nagging wife though, that’s how messed up drugs made the dynamic.

like I imagine there is a lot of women working whilst their partner is on furlough and they come home to find he has slept half the day and then played the playstation the rest of it, or had friends round and just made general mess and drinks/food rubbish everywhere.

whereas I was still getting up with her in the morning and made sure everyday when she came home from work the house was tidy etc , washing up done, hoovered, and countless little things like repairing things, diy projects, tidying up etc and if I had a friend round they were helping me with a diy project.

As it has been for the most part my friends and family that would help with most projects/decorating/diy etc but I guess that’s because I am more surrounded by people that have their lives together and can be counted on to help, whereas druggy friends can only be counted on for one thing.

if only I didn’t look like such a weirdo I’m sure the ladies would be lining up haha.

but seriously, I fell madly in love with her, I have only been a good partner because I cared so much for her that it bought out the best in me,

so this best version of myself is probably about as lost as the best version of her is.

[liberty]

David, I see exactly where you’re coming from, I can totally empathise with you.

What do you mean by lost, why are you lost? Do you mean you lack direction? Most days I wish I knew the future, if that’s what you mean.

Unless you have 2 heads and are green, I’m sure you don’t look as weird as you think you do. I expect you don’t walk around with a giant paper bag over yourself, I expect you have nothing to hide to the world. If you live with what nature gave you, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. Personally, I used to have massive self esteem issues, I suffered an eating disorder because of it, I didn’t think I was ever good enough. Turns out, I am. Turns out it was all in my own mind.

What is unattractive is ‘using’ until your eyes are sunken, your skin is dull and patchy, your nails are brown, your teeth black and missing to the point where you’re down to mostly gaps and sharp stumps. Nature doesn’t do that. Narcotics does. There’s a lot very right and attractive about being natural. Style and pride in your own appearance is different, personal hygiene for example, also, different. Again, something some addicts take for granted!

That’s why I’ve never introduced my bf to anyone other than work colleagues. My family and friends will see only what they’ll see, they won’t see his intelligence, his protective instincts over me.

All that kind of counts for nothing now though, he knows I’m not as tolerant as I used to be, he’s starting to not care what I have to say on any subject, tells me any question I ask is giving him negativity, and has told me more often than not he’d rather I didn’t even speak. All the love in the world only goes so far as to patch over things like that. What makes it worse is that I am soooo delicate with everything when it comes to him. I’m walking on eggshells, you can’t tell me that isn’t the drugs. I don’t see what else it could be.

[davidk]

ha no I don’t have two heads or anything,

I’m not really that weird just my appearance probably gets stereotyped differently to the type of personality I have, as I have more of a “drug user” appearance, which is hilarious considering I don’t even drink etc and am actually a lot more interested in yoga and eating well etc.

but yes the downhill looks of use will get uglier and uglier, I do worry that eventually she will have made herself age and look so bad that I will no longer fancy her anyway. so being ugly as well as the ugly personality that drugs give them.

do you think the stronger we get though the more they start to cut us out, I feel like this is part of it, the fact that I opened my eyes and saw through all the lies etc eventually, she now knows she can’t fool me anymore so therefore it makes it a lot harder for her to deal with being around me.

it sounds similar with your boyfriend, like you have wised up too much to it all so they are trapped with only being able to push us away as the lies to keep us close have lost power now.

as for feeling lost,I meant the good boyfriend that I was to her is lost, as she bought out the best in me, I wasn’t so kind and considerate before I met her, I was like that through my feelings for her and I guess the sense of responsibility I felt through all the chaos so it forced me to be the adult and to be a better person, and I now worry I couldn’t do all that again for anyone else.

Even if we were to get back together I feel like I couldn’t do it all again for her either though let alone someone new.

I guess I’m just scared by the idea of ever loving again.

[liberty]

David, that’s unexpected, so you only became considerate and caring in those lovely ways because you had to step up amid the chaos? Not the kind of scenario I’d have ever guessed, is that where I’m going wrong then! I’m so caring to my bf, the real housewife type. Should I just be a bitch?! He says he’ll do a lot, give up crack, be more risk-averse. He says a lot of things. I’m always there to feed him, get him home in an Uber if he gets stuck (he can’t afford to drive at the mo). Any nice things are arranged and paid for by me. He’s never once, bought me a birthday or Christmas card, ever, in years, he’s often sold for crack what he’s intended to give me as gifts, and the gifts he does give me he seems to regret. the list is endless… I, on the other hand am always bringing home treats, flowers, the biscuits he likes. The just eat food he likes when he isn’t feeling well. Or cooking the things he likes. Thing is, even if I consider being a bitch, it isn’t in my nature. I can be a terrier sometimes, I’m small and softly spoken which people often perceive as weak and shy, but I’m definitely neither, but I’m a fair minded and reasonable person. Too fair minded probably.

On your appearance, my bf is terrifying to most people, but not to me, not that that’s here nor there really, but I don’t mind that. I soften his look beside him and I quite like that his protective don’t mess with me face is a deterrent, makes me feel safe. So again, perhaps what you see as unconventional is a blessing.

I’m in two minds about what you say, we’re wise to it so they back off. It used to be my bf would avoid me because I remind him of his faults. Now he seems to just not care, he’s killing himself for sure. Last year when things got so bad I had doubts how long his poor body could survive, he’s since survived covid.

I don’t know, we’ve been through a lot together, but if that doesn’t mean much to him shy should it to me anymore.

Hope you’re having a good week, sending care xx

[davidk]

well I guess I’m probably being a bit hard on myself there,

I wouldn’t have really been a horrible person before,

I think it’s more that the relationship made me grow up a lot, and also think about others and the effects of things a lot more than I and probably most people normally would.

I am a caring and very passionate person about the things and people I care about, so I guess it was only natural that through loving her I would of course want nothing more than to look after her and try to make her happy.

But some of this could also be through my fear of the bad times, so by always trying to keep everything good was maybe me trying to avoid her having any reason to go mental with extreme mood swings etc.

But the list is quite endless of the things all of us partners do for them that is unappreciated, and I’m sure all of us could write a book on all the shitty and selfish things they have done to us in return, all the special occasions ruined for one reason or another etc.

In fact, it always seemed to me like she would want to do nice things but it was almost like the pressure on herself to do so would cause her to mess it all up.

I think her thinking will be massively confused due to drugs,

and a lot of it is hating herself,

so one minute she probably believes she has treated me bad and doesn’t deserve me, so therefore thinks she is doing the right thing by letting me go,

then another her more into the drugs will be convincing herself that I was somehow the enemy,

and then occasionally there might be the 3rd her, that is thinking positive and wants to sort herself out and stop taking drugs and would want to fix things, unfortunately the other two personas have a greater influence, and all 3 can chop and change all too fast.

as for acting a bitch to him, perhaps it would help him see what he might lose,

but in my case I feel that by calling her bluff on that, it has only proved her love for drugs was stronger than her love for me.

I had already decided I would no longer pick up the pieces and do so much for them all before we split, but never really got a chance to see how that would have panned out, but perhaps she wouldn’t have cared so much for me if I stopped doing all the things I did to make her life easy. also I feel by helping so much it was enabling her, it was helping her pretend things were fine etc, perhaps now they live in chaos again the kids might realise that there is actually a problem and therefore want to actually support their mum to get better rather than encouraging her to get worse.

anyway I treated myself to a nice day out yesterday to do something I wanted to do a few years ago on holiday with girlfriend and the kids, so I drove myself to the lake district and climbed helvellyn on my own.

It was a very nice sunny day for it, so now I have a sunburnt face ha.

[liberty]

David, well done you! Climbing a mountain for the hell of it, sounds great. A great place to be with your own thoughts I bet, I hope you aren’t too achy today. I walked a big chunk of the Thames a few weeks ago, felt like I’d run a marathon after, definitely did too much, shocked me a bit actually, I suppose what did I of expected after a year of nothing!

How are you finding things now? Being away from her I mean? Are you starting to enjoy having some breathing space, being away from some of the drama?

My bf has been good for a couple days, but fell off a cliff again. Covid created a unique situation, as he’s had no means to pay for his vices, he had the opportunity to turn dealer for a dealer. I opposed this massively and he backed out of it. Went on to tell me how being around it made him need more, how seeing those other addicts shocked him, he didn’t want to see him self as one of them. Yesterday, unbeknown to me, he decided to get back in on this, and this time scale up. He decided to con me into giving him money to help him, promised he’d give it back, usually he does, but this was a bit more than he usually borrows, he didn’t pay me back when he said and I’m raging about it. Not just about him not paying back yet, but about what he did with it.

I tried to speak to him, but he was on it and telling me not to burn up his phone. I don’t see how me trying to ring him 3 times for clarity is burning up his phone, especially when I’m trying to establish if and why he lied to me about his intentions, which he did.

So I blocked him.

Part of me feels I’ve overreacted, but I don’t want an addict (and lately, a dealer) for a bf. Given him enough of my life, my good years too.

The thing that really gets me is, now my bf has turned dealer for a dealer, he’s making the problem so much broader than himself. The impact his use has on our lives is hard enough, but extending that to others, behind every sale is a family, a set of arguments, potentially a young person who’s about to be addicted in a detrimental way. In a way which could destroy his/her life irreparably. I can’t stand by and watch this happen anymore.

By choosing this he’s lost me. This is the final straw.

I hope your weekend has started better than mine has. Sending as much positivity your way as I have.

[davidk]

yeh it was great to climb the mountain,

my head hasn’t been driving me quite so mad lately, and I’ve been sleeping better,

so the mountain was especially enjoyable as I wasn’t mentally torturing myself like I have been for months.

I am a bit achy now but but I think its from the long drive rather than the walking, as it was a 500 mile round trip and I did both journeys in around 4 hours each without breaks so too long sat down ha.

I guess the thing with having no contact from her in over 6 weeks now means that I’m not as angry and upset as I was 6 weeks ago, like it still upsets me to think about it and I still miss her, but I don’t feel possessed by emotion like I had, whereas if I still had some contact it would no doubt keep reopening the wound.

I refuse to look on facebook or anything as I hate it anyway and I’m sure seeing posts on there would only wind me up.

sorry to hear things are bad for you at the minute, dealing is a nightmare scenario like you say, it means he’s actively involved in spreading the misery for others too, and also just means they are surrounded by other people that make it seem normal. and no doubt the person he is dealing for is bad news and a nasty piece of work, I mean people that deal in drugs that ruin peoples lives are normally either nasty people or addicted themselves.

so do you think this is it, will you cut him off for good, and will he try and fix things or does he just let things go along and leave you to fix everything (like my situation)and I hope you haven’t given him too much money that you wont get back.

walk along the thames sounds good, how much of it did you walk,

I do a lot of walking most days, there is a nice lake and river (that does eventually join the thames ha) by my house so I have a few nice routes I go on locally.

I like to get my 10000 steps every day I guess that’s my addiction ha.

[liberty]

I got the money back David, he repaid to me. I did have to ask, but he didn’t try and make up some excuse as to why I couldn’t have it back.

obviously, I decided blocking him was a very sharp and pointless thing to do, I was so angry at the time, I woke up with a much clearer head. I did see him this weekend, but felt apparent to me that my feelings have changed. Although still confusing, I know this is a good thing.

I’ll hold today’s full moon responsible for my crying on and off ALL day, mostly about things I don’t need to cry about, partly relief I guess too.

River walking is so calming, driving 8hr round-trip is hard going, let alone a climb up a mountain, man’s got determination, I’ll give you that! and glad to hear you’re feeling more positive. If you think about it, depending on the direction of your life from here, you’ll never have to worry about an addict partner again. How liberating.

I only did about 11 miles, cutty sark, Thames barrier area, my mate and I didn’t make it as far as the barrier itself, hale stones and sore feet got the better of us.

[davidk]

11 miles is still a pretty good long walk, no wonder you had sore feet.

glad you got the money back.

I’m not sure what my future will hold, but I think being a partner of an addict you eventually hit a point where things cannot continue as they are, I think I stood by a lot for a long time before hitting that point, and compared to her previous relationships the 7 years with me was more than double anything she had ever had before, so I guess I could put up with twice as much ha.

But still, I’d like nothing more than for her to fix all this, but don’t really know if she ever will, but I don’t believe I can fix it as that would just be repeating the past of ignoring problems rather than dealing with them, so until she is ready to talk and deal with things I don’t see any point in me making contact.

yes so I hear its a full moon, or a pink moon tonight/tomorrow, I don’t normally take much notice of stuff like that but might be nice to go out for a late night stroll.

as for climbing the mountain and the long drive, I have driven a lot of long distance doing deliveries for work so driving doesn’t bother me too much, especially if it’s on a motorway without traffic, whereas driving in south London can and will drive me insane ha.

[liberty]

Did you see the moon?

That’s something I realised a long time ago David, you can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves, right! With my bfs addiction, he would say he wanted to stop, then a few hours later he’d say he needed to be accepted for who he is. Rightly or wrongly. I suppose I did accept him to a degree, but there’s that element of chaos that never sat right with me.

If 5,10,15 even 20 years ago you’d have asked me where I’d be in x number of years time, I’d never predicted where I actually was at those points. I suppose if we each do what’s best at any given point in our lives, it doesn’t matter where we end up, the journey was as it should’ve been. In my view anyway. I’d like to tell you not to worry about the future, but I find it very hard not to myself, so I suppose why not worry, but I’d suggest only within reason ????????

If you don’t mind me asking, and just ignore me if you do, but how was it you were furloughed if you drive for a living? I would’ve thought drivers are in high demand.

[davidk]

is it 20 years you have been with your partner?

totally know what you mean, one minute they want help and support, and the next minute they are throwing all that help back in your face and accusing you of trying to control them etc.

a friend of mine described me well in that I’m not controlling I am in control. which are quite different things.

and surely if I did want to be controlling people I picked the worst family ever to meet that demand as they are out of control ha, surely I would have found some timid quiet girl to bully about, but of course I’m not that person that’s just her drug manipulation painting me that way.

I’m not a driver for a job, I run stores and dispatch of the factory, but a few years ago we sold a lot of bulky items that were going straight to sites so I would always volunteer to do the driving to get out the factory for the day. Since then we have changed the core of the business so most stuff goes out with dpd or on pallets so the driving pretty much stopped, also I no longer have anyone else in my department to leave looking after things so I don’t like driving anymore as it means neglecting my actual job and coming back to chaos ha.

[liberty]

Not 20, no, it’s difficult to have a relationship with someone when they’ve been in/out of prison, so I only count from when he last got out of prison, 2 years ago.

Well that’s good you don’t have to do the driving. I had to collect an important piece of paperwork before a trip abroad once, it didn’t arrive in the post in time, so had to collect it myself. 12hr round-trip, 4 packs of gum, 2 maccy d’s and a newly found appreciation for people who drive for a living haha!

[davidk]

how’s things going now,

have you had any more contact since you got the money back?

and how long have you known him?

I did a lot of driving again yesterday as I decided to do helvellyn mountain again, I took my dad this time, so that was a nice thing for him to come and experience.

I still did all the driving though even though he could have driven for a bit, I don’t really like being a passenger anyway.

weather was really bad and windy up there and loads of fog so couldn’t actually see the top or the bottom ha and we were freezing but we survived that’s the main thing.

[liberty]

I went back. It’s been tough since, we’re bickering a lot, even though I’m trying to be super nice to him. 12 years David. And he’s been on it heavy this past week. I actually don’t feel like I love him at all right now, but I can’t seem to walk away. Part of me feels too invested and I’m not sure what to do with myself without wondering how he is, taking care of one thing or another. I’m at a total crossroads.

Now though, although I’ve come back, he’s properly retracted, says we’re finished, but it could just be another comedown. I can’t tell.

How are things with you? Have you had any contact with your ex? I hope you’re still enjoying your walks.

Sending my best thoughts to all.

[davidk]

Hi Liberty,

sounds like a familiar situation to my own,

they just push us away.

and I guess eventually we can only take so much,

obviously my limit was having the kids used as a weapon against me was the final straw really, and I could no longer excuse her behavior like I had all these years.

I have still had no contact, and the longer she leaves it the more angry I feel, I’m getting to the point of thinking maybe I never actually meant anything to her at all, despite all the good times, its like the memory of them is fading so all I am left with is the hurt caused not only at the end, but the memories of all the other times she treated me utterly unfair and selfishly.

I alternate though, so some days I feel so angry at how she has treated me, and angry with myself for pandering to her for all those years which in effect enabled her to treat me like it more.

but part of me fills with sadness and I start crying etc when I pity her and think how messed up it must be inside her head to be so incapable of any sort of self reflection, and to constantly act so self destructively seemingly with no control to stop herself.

still having lots of walks and have actually booked a hotel next week so I can go up to the lake district for a few nights this time rather than my long day trips ha.

what do you think you will do next?

[liberty]

Well that sounds good, about the hotel stay and the walks, glad you’re keeping it up.

I can understand the anger. It’s all too easy to pick apart and evaluate every memory, I do that sometimes, it’s easy to think of all that time you felt you may have wasted. I’m sure there are positives for you in all of that, I’m sure there’s things you’ve learnt about yourself, I hope you can find some positives in it.

What will you do beyond the walks, are you thinking about what you might like your future to look like, for you?

I am glad to hear she hasn’t been in touch, I think you’re a bit like me in that it’s all too easy to not give up, not to not go back, as though there’s always more than can be done, way beyond the commitment most people would give. That’s what I’m questioning about myself at the moment. I’ve dealt with the anger, considered how much of my life I may have wasted, if I have regrets. Ultimately, I don’t, but at the same time, things cannot continue as they are.

His crack use has been super high.

It’s my birthday in a few days, thankfully not a big one, but my bf hasn’t even spoken about it. I’ve briefly mentioned what I’d like to do, he hasn’t wanted to talk about it, which I think is a reflection on just how self absorbed he is right now. He told me to get my things and leave multiple times this week, called me every name, locked me in the house, shouted through the roof, I’m surprised no one called the police. I’m glad they didn’t. I just stayed calm, it doesn’t penetrate me anymore. He wouldn’t be physically violent and what he thinks is inflicting mental suffering on me, just isn’t. When I actually did get my stuff and I did leave, like he told me to, he couldn’t bare it, ordered me to come back. That happened 3 times! Tried to even tell me first that if I go, i can’t come back. Like that actually bothers me anymore.

[davidk]

Hi Liberty,

happy birthday

hope it went ok if you’ve already had it.

I had a good time in the lake district, was lucky the weather was nice tuesday and wednesday so i climbed mountains those days and then thursday and friday being bad rain didn’t matter so much.

I’ve had a call from work today asking me back, so as of tomorrow i’ll be back at work full time I think, not sure if this will help or make me feel worse to be honest.

might be a good distraction.

I keep emotionally moving between various points, like some days I am distracted enough that i’m almost ok, but then other days like the last few days I’m back having bad dreams about everything and then spending my days torturing myself going over it all.

It just seems like the more time that passes the worse I feel, like I can’t believe she has done this to me and still hasn’t seen sense and made contact.

I keep expecting to hear something that will upset me more too like if she starts seeing someone else etc.

I honestly thought I was the luckiest guy on earth, that I had found true love, I was in no way settling for someone I didn’t love, and both of us always acted like we were so glad to have found each other as it felt like there was no one else in the world that could be so right, but now all of this just feels like lies, I meant everything and my commitment was honest, but now I start thinking was she just a sociopath, mirroring how I was and feeding me what I needed to hear etc, in which case its all just bullshit, and that just makes me hate everything more, to think someone could behave like that, but it feels like it because she has done nothing to repair everything that she has broken, so it’s like I clearly didn’t mean much to her and our whole relationship was held together and created from my input and my input alone.

essentially I believe life is better with someone to share it with, and you should want to make each others lives as good as possible, and I can honestly say I spent the last 7 years doing that for her, whilst taking a lot of shit in the process, so I just cannot believe she would throw me away like this like I never meant a thing.

Love should be enough, but against drugs love doesn’t count for shit.

[liberty]

Oh David, totally. I can completely relate to what you’re saying and to the anger – and I think a little bit of anger can be useful when channelled in a good way. Turn a negative into a positive.

A healthy balanced relationship is that of unconditional love. That reciprocated need to make each other’s lives as hassle free and pleasurable as possible, even down to the little things. Well the big things matter too. It’s doing what you can for the other person without question, within reason haha, but I think you know what I mean.

It sounds like a lot of what you did for her, a lot of the energy you put into the relationship was not reciprocated by her to the same degree. Maybe it was sometimes, but I expect, overall it wasn’t.

I’m sorry, but you sound like an outgoing and caring guy, you deserve better.

Going back to work sounds really great, I’m glad to hear that. And your trip to the Lake District sounds lovely. Where’s next, and have you considered joining (or even starting) a walking club?

Thank you kindly for the birthday wishes, it was a strange sort of day, not quite what I’d planned or expected, but enjoyable.

Take care x

[davidk]

Hi Liberty,

sorry for the slow response,

well I think certainly the relationship was very one sided, and everything rested on me to hold it together and show love etc.

anyway the latest and potentially final piece of the story is she is now posting pics on facebook of her with some new guy, so I guess she has moved on from not wanting to hurt me to actively trying to hurt me now.

as this act is clearly done for no other purpose than to try and hurt me and/or get a reaction.

perhaps she thought this would make me come running but instead it has utterly repulsed me.

I haven’t even seen this myself as I never go on facebook, but she has my mum and sisters, and various friends and people I work with on her friends list, so she knows it will get back to me.

Its hilarious to be honest as she clearly wont be in love with this guy, and it is all just her protesting to much trying to make a statement and pretend her life is so great.

but all she has done is proved me right, I always said if we ever split up she would behave like this to try and pretend she is fine and I never meant anything, and here she is doing exactly what I always said she would.

as tempting as it is to publicly react I just can’t be bothered and will not lower myself to petty spitefulness.

I have been on a few dates myself in fact, so I am starting to believe that there could be someone out there that would actually appreciate me and not treat me so disgustingly as she has/still is.

and I’m quite sure she is aware of this and that is the motive behind her getting with the first guy to come along to try and publicly appear to have moved on first and therefore “win” ha.

only I’ll be the one winning when I find someone that I actually want to be with that respects me and wants to build a good life together, whilst she can “win” by pretending shes happy with someone she doesn’t even fancy.

the lengths she will go to to spite herself really knows no limit.

oh and I spoke to her next door neighbor yesterday who I always got on well with and found out the small version of the truth she had told him for our splitting,

surprisingly she had admitted that it was because I didn’t like her doing coke, i laughed and said yeh it was a bit more than just a bit of coke.

also, I have been reading a book called “the new primal scream” which I would highly recommend anyone on here to read as it is very insightful on repression, and how this is probably largely what comes first, and later the repressed person turns to drugs to keep repressing etc.

this book has helped me understand a lot, annoyingly it makes the addict the victim though so you start feeling sorry for them again despite how awful they behave.

[liberty]

David, I’m actually not surprised at all, I totally expected her to move on pretty quickly, that is no reflection on you, she’s clearly someone who needs someone. I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy. And well done you for getting out and dating, that’s great. It’s nice to have a reason to wear something nice, go somewhere different, meet new people. I don’t doubt that you’ll meet someone you’re more compatible with when you least expect it. Like you say, you can build a life together. It’ll happen, I’m sure. A summer romance perhaps, how wonderful!

Primal Scream repression, made me think of Bobby Gillespie at first. Thanks for the recommendation, I’ll give it a look. Although, the psychology of it all is a bit much for me sometimes, I might likely use what I learn against him. Plus it isn’t me who needs to read it, it’s my bf, (well my ex) we’re not currently together though. I will give it a go though, as you’ve recommended it. Thank you

[davidk]

Hi Liberty

yeh to be honest most of how she is behaving is exactly how I always used to joke during happy times that she would, so I can hardly be surprised when she is acting exactly as I always predicted.

I’ve met a girl a few times now with plans to meet again etc, so that’s a good start, and from what I know she doesn’t have a secret drug habit ha. so that’s always a plus,

yeh the book is nothing to do with the band ha,

but it is really good, it just makes so much sense of so much really, like the whole dynamic of my relationship with an adult, as she was so repressed she repressed everyone around her, and I am open and want to talk about things but she could never allow that.

I have been recommended it to so many people, but yes ideally the addicts and mentally ill could benefit from it more as it’s them that are in need of the help to open up, whereas we as partners are already open but this book does help understand why they are like they are.

[icarus-trust]

Hi David,

So sorry to read your story.

I’m glad that you are getting support from this forum. If you would like more help please contact us at Icarus Trust We are a charity that offers support to people and families in your situation. We know how difficult it is to cope with an addictive partner.

If you get in touch you would be put in contact with one of our Family Friends who would listen and help you to find a way forward.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

I hope this helps. Good luck.

[dre80]

How are you?

[dre80]

How are you?

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