[sameboat]

Hi Riverview

I hope things have improved over the last few days. Would it be possible for you to speak to your son? Get someone to help shoulder some of the burden with you? It might also help for you to speak to a support group like AlAnon to know that you are not alone. I have felt the same desperation and it’s so difficult – you need some support and maybe practical tips for how to deal with your daughter day to day. That’s what I’m looking for too. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.

[riverview]

Hi Sameboat

Thought things had improved but no yesterday said she couldn’t possibly eat the dinner I was preparing without mint sauce so took the bus because she’s still on crutches and went just one stop up the road. There are limited buses after 7pm so didn’t come back for an hour. Went to the bus stop because began to guess things might have gone wrong. Took the bag from her to carry. Said she’d got milk because we needed it and a bar of chocolate because she fancied it. Noticed there was a clear water bottle that I use for the children I work with so

she had been into the hall. Checked and it contained wine. Made every excuse as to why she had it and blamed me. We had a lovely day yesterday so thought things had turned around. She is unhappy with her life. Her friends don’t seem to be around much and she spends most of her time in her bedroom watching rubbish tv. Just don’t believe a word which comes out of her mouth now. The trouble is I think she does. Probably this morning she will be apologetic but not certain if the water bottle contained the contents of a small bottle or the remainder of a large bottle. She blamed me for everything but this scenario is becoming a regular occurrence and even when she denies it I know from her attitude and conversation when she has sneaked a drink. Will seriously think about coming clean to my son. He doesn’t even know she’s lost her license. Thanks for listening. xx

[sameboat]

You’re welcome. It must be so tough when she’s in denial and blaming you. Addicted drinkers become so devious and it’s hard to remember that it’s the alcohol that’s turning them in to complete [insert rude word of choice!] and not really them. This week I found a pile of empty bottles hidden behind others which my dad had obviously drunk at some point. Naturally he wouldn’t admit to it. I also had to wrestle a bottle of wine from him to pour it down the sink. Thankfully he’s never violent and after a few hours, it gave us the breathing space to actually talk about why this bender this time. He’s depressed. Really depressed. And so turning to alcohol seemed like a quick fix solution for what’s going on in his head. It allows an escape from your mind/life I suppose and an easy one when alcohol is so readily available. The different thing for me this time was being a little bit more emotionally detached. Not being particularly angry at him and not taking the insults to heart. But at the same time remembering the decision to actually start drinking was his. After a few drinks, it wasn’t. But the decision to start was. And he needs to take responsibility for that. We can support him but we can’t make him change. Having this slightly different attitude to the situation has helped me feel sympathy but not responsibility – although I now feel pretty shattered and a bit down myself! But I have been able to share the burden with members of my family and that makes a difference. If you decide you don’t want to tell your son, al-anon meetings are supposed to be great for families. I totally understand though that sense of panic and worry when you think someone is drinking secretly and then the sinking feeling when you find out you’re right. It’s a rollercoaster dictated by them so finding ways to disconnect a bit while still supporting that person is, I think, a good idea. Also if you’re daughter is a reader and you can get her on board, she might enjoy the Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray or this Naked Mind by Annie Grace. I liked the first one best (I’ve stopped drinking myself as was concerned the apple hadn’t fallen far from the tree!). There are also a lot of online groups like Club Soda Together (on Facebook or there is a website). Very supportive and non judgmental. You might even want to have a look yourself.

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