[buttonboy]

We were absolutely devastated to find out our 22yr old son has a cocaine addiction. He had huge money problem as a result and we have paid out £1000s as he was in serious trouble. He is slowly paying it back but his use continues. We get a couple of clean weeks and then it all starts again. We dread the weekends and feel so stressed and ashamed that we seem to have failed him completely and don’t know why. He is so aggressive, anxious, depressed at times and lies constantly We have three other children who have all graduated from university and are doing well. We feel destroyed and can see no way out. Where did we go wrong ????

[paula]

Dear ButtonBoy,

I am so sorry to hear this. You haven’t done anything wrong and trust me I have spent many nights asking myself the very same thing. I have 2 sons both so different. one doing really well and the other 23 is spiralling more and more out of control. I did nothing differently and they have both been given every opportunity and so much love by all of the family. It is heartbreaking. He too hid his addiction to drugs for several years whilst away at University and despite going through rehab he has gradually deteriorated again. He has lost most of his friends and is about to lose his job ( again) . Only this week was thrown out of a club for using this week and was beaten up and left on the street even that didn’t make him wake up! He is wallowing in a pit of misery, ketamine, cocaine and alcohol and says he is ‘partying!!!!’ I too dread the weekends and spend most of the time wondering where he is or waiting to get calls I’d rather not take. My son too is anxious, depressed and I sadly cannot trust a thing he says. At this very moment he is trying to get money out of me… Word too has spread in our town about my son’s behaviour which is becoming increasingly sad and I struggle to face people in case they ask the dreaded how are the boys doing…..

I have been speaking to the Icarus trust they have been incredibly kind and supportive and just talking through things with one of their counsellors. He has gone some way into making me realise that until my son wants to change I can’t do anything. I have to try live my life and take a step back, but this is incredibly hard. I too dread the weekends and the states I find him in. All the nights I’ve picked him up and ‘saved’ him have not made any difference and until he decides he wants help I’ve got to leave him to it.They also say that until we stop saving them and they realise the consequence of their actions they will not change. It’s heartbreaking isn’t it, what a waste of a life! Have you spoken to anyone? My doctor is great but there is little help out there if they do not want to change .Aside from locking them away under house arrest when they are adults what can you do? Smart recovery have a family and friends online support on a Monday evening that I sometimes dial into. It’s useful to listen and get some practical tips about how to cope. But please remember you didn’t do anything wrong, I think our kids were vulnerable and cocaine is pure evil!

[buttonboy]

Thank so much, I feel like such a failure. We loved them all equally growing up and it just doesn’t make sense. We are a normal family and live in a happy home with no family turmoil until now. We have spent £100s on CBT but it worked for a short while only. He won’t go to the GP and thinks he can’t just stop but for me he isn’t ready to even try. His counsellor said the same, we have to wIt until he is ready to give up. I dread things getting out and the community talking about him. I can’t bear to tell my elderly parents or any extended family. The shame I feel means I can’t even bring myself to tell my oldest friend. I am thinking if moving away to give him a fresh start but my husband doesn’t think that will work. We are destroyed inside, it is all so raw at the moment. I am so scared he damages his heart and doesn’t wake up. I just want my baby boy back ????

[paula]

Hi Button Boy, I know! I’m so sorry! I have been researching addiction as I really want to understand why too! My son has everything going for him and is so very loved too, it makes no sense, they are ill! My parents know now and it’s breaking their hearts, I couldn’t hide it any longer from them . Not sure whether it was the right thing to do either, they both look broken now….I have only told a few people and am very wary, people talk and there’s such stigma isn’t there. Also you don’t want other people to think badly of them even though you couldn’t blame them. Yes we have tried CBT but he wasn’t honest with the counsellor so unsuccessful. Drugs seem to completely change their brain, I know he is in there somewhere but he appears for such a short time , stops for a week then starts again. I’m sure he will come back to you, he’s not ready yet maybe? You can’t give up and we have to be strong, we have no choice. All we can do is wait and be there when they ask for help I suppose. We shouldn’t be ashamed, it can happen to anyone and those people that judge are not worth knowing are they? We both love our boys and would do anything to help, but we can’t help them only they can do that. We just have to wait, keep loving them and try and keep well. It’s hard going to work and smiling everyday. People moan about really small thing don’t they and I smile inside and think if only they knew! Re. moving away, sorry to be the bringer of bad news but we tried that with our son, he wanted a fresh start so went to Geneva to live with his grandparents, it was better for a while but he went back to his old ways…

[kerryb]

Hi button boy. I’m new to this forum. First time today having just realised that my daughter has relapsed after a year clean and spending huge amounts of money getting her there. I just want you to know that you’re not alone. I’m so sorry I don’t have answers, I wish I did with all my heart. But I offer you all my support and best wishes for what you’re going through.

[buttonboy]

Thank you so much, the pain in my heart is unbearable. It is so good to know I am not alone xx

[nickyk]

You are not alone even though sometimes you may think you are..

I don’t know who my son is anymore he manipulates and lies about anything and everything.

I have dealers coming to my door for his debt coincidently he’s not home when they come.

He’s my son and I’m nearly done with him for my own sanity. Nothing more I can do with him as devastating as it is until he finds himself which I know won’t be anytime soon..I can only pray now.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Button Boy,

I am so sorry to read your post and to see how your son’s addiction has made you feel. Its really hard to understand isn’t it, but you won’t have done anything wrong.

I’m glad that Paula has found speaking with us at The Icarus Trust has been useful. If you think it would help you please get in touch. We are a charity with trained people who you can talk with as they have lots of experience of supporting people who are affected by a family member’s addiction.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

In hope that you can get some support and not feel so alone in this. Good luck!

[buttonboy]

Thank you all so much.

[buttonboy]

DESTROYED – Just had the worst day ever, he is in so much debt and it is killing us but we can’t keep helping him. He refuses to go to the GP to get help or even discuss a plan with us to pay something back to people. We are worried sick, I woke up this morning thinking he was dead and felt at peace because it was all over. Woke up properly and racked with guilt that I even thought it, I have cried most of today. The impact on us all is horrific – we were such a lovely happy normal wee family WHY US – WHY???

[paula]

Oh Button Boy, I’m so sorry!!! How horrendous! As for feeling relief for a moment, I’ve been having the same thoughts about my son on several occasions these past few weeks because we too are at our wits end and the other night I too was convinced he’d died. It’s absolute torment and I veer from despising him to feeling so sorry for the pathetic creature he’s become from my lovely little boy. You don’t deserve this, you have done nothing wrong!!! It’s an impossible way to live isn’t it, sharing your home with someone like that, trying to track their every move. What is your GP like? I dragged my son into the doctors and the GP took one look at him and alerted the crisis team. You could even call them and say you are worried he’s going to kill himself then I think they will have to respond? I’m so sorry x

[buttonboy]

Thank you Paula I was going to contact Icarus Trust for support but I have to put in my email details and I am too ashamed to let anyone know who I am or what my name is. I had an estate agent out today valuing our home. I feel worthless, useless and utterly devastated. My husband and other children seem to be coping better than me. He sees how it has affected us/ me, he knows how much debt he is in, he is losing everything and won’t even try to help himself. I just don’t get it. What keeps you strong?

[lime18]

Hi to button boy ,Paula and Kerry it’s lime 18 I’ve not been on this forum for a while..my heart breaks for you all my son has been addicted to cocaine for a long time we’ve gone through it all like you debts drug dealers rehab weeks in hospital loosing accommodation even though I’ve paid outstanding bills and it goes on and on lies etc ..he ended up In the salvation army after years of help and chances he also comes from a loving family he is now in prison so believe it or not I’m not as terrified as I’ve been in the past he won’t be there long and ended up there for not engaging with service’s that were there to help him ie probation he was growing weed for a dealer to pay off debts ..Yes more debts I have a bin bag with a few bits of clothing in I’ve constantly replaced them but he usually looses them he has a trade and had lots of good tools but lost or sold them he will be spending his 30th birthday there next week and I keep thinking he dosnt even have a coat it devastates me every day as he is a lovely caring young man but gave it all up for evil cocaine ..we are not on our own and like you I haven’t told his loving elderly grandparents were he is .thinking of you all sorry if I’ve gone on

[buttonboy]

I am so sorry and so scared too. Thank you

[lime18]

Hi I was thinking earlier how good it would be if all us mum’s of addicts .who we love and try to help could all meet up to ..maybe cry together! Laugh together or maybe just chat but I suspect we all live a long way apart ? I’m in Lancashire

[lime18]

I’ve taken my son to doctors for years ..it’s been going on for 10 this year I’ve been to crisis team he’s taken an overdose been in hospital I begged and cried for help said he’s ill please help him .they did nothing I swear nobody is interested in helping if drugs are involved. I could write a book I work for social services for adults with learning disabilities. My son has mentle health probs due to evil cocaine but there’s no help with housing or even benefits for him as he’s not able to do it himself he can’t keep to appointment s or sort finances but unfortunately I can’t keep helping him so I realy don’t know what the future holds other than more anxiety and worry for mum

[icarus-trust]

Hi Button Boy,

Please don’t worry about contacting The Icarus Trust. Anything you share with us is completely confidential.

Take care.

[icarus-trust]

This is so sad to read Button Boy. What an awful time you are having.

Please try and get some help and support for yourself. Don’t forget you can contact us at The Icarus Trust or may be see your GP.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

Remember all contact with us is completely confidential.

Wishing you all the very best.

[buttonboy]

Thank you, I just don’t know what to do. He has attended Cocaine Anonymous for the first time which was good but we had a dealer at our door for the first time ever looking for money and he swears it is all over and he is giving it up. We refused to bail him out despite the tears and tantrums. I honestly feel like running away, we have already given him a fortune and seriously can’t afford it. Dreading Xmas as can’t afford gifts for anyone now. I am just so ashamed and embarrassed. I have never done a thing wrong in my life and we work so hard. It is so cruel and unfair.

[alwayshopeful]

Hi,

I have only this moment signed up as like so many of you I need to talk, understand and get advice/help. My 21 year old son is back on cocaine, he too has lost so many jobs, lies all the time and deals to make ends meet. Every time I think he is finally in control it all goes wrong again. Even the birth of his child has had no impact and his girlfriend has now said no more, which I can understand. my son has a younger sister who I must protect from all of this and an older brother who feels he should have been able to sort him out. . . so the whole family are in torment one way or another. My son says he wants to be clean but this is usually said when he is on the come down. . . . is it possible to get them clean?!?!?! Do they need to have a mentor who has got through it?

[buttonboy]

Hi AlwaysHopeful, I have no idea what the answer is. It destroys everyone doesn’t it. Our family is so fractured now. He is clean at the moment and heading back to Cocaine Anon group tomorrrow which is positive. I understand he will be linked up with Sponsor who is in recovery and will try to get him through it. He has tried a few times before but never gone to CA until last week. We are just praying he can recover and isn’t plagued with addiction all his life / the rest of ours. I hope your son will consider a support group. We have to keep hoping it’s all we have x

[lime18]

Hi always hopeful and all the other parents of addicts isn’t it just heartbreaking. I’m still struggling a bit with the forum I get emails saying someone has posted on a thread? I always read them but don’t always know how to reply sorry I’m trying ????I would love to offer advice but sadly I can’t as my son’s addiction has gone on for a long time he’s 30 I have posted a lot so most of you already know but the question do they need a mentor who is now clean ? Maybe it works for a lot of people my son got back into rehab and a lovely sorry it’s sponser not mentor someone who I knew visited him a few times then my son left big mistake he stayed at the sponser s house back in the town he needed to get as far away as possible from .it was the 12 steps programme it works for some very well but not for my son it all went wrong and the sponser had to ask him to leave so there we go again back to square one so it continues I’m realy sorry if I sound negative but yes maybe a sponser can work if the addict wants it to? I think the 12 steps was a bit too much for my son unfortunately..I wish I could of made you feel better I’m just being honest about my or should I say my son’s situation and I couldn’t possibly get any worse at the moment. So let’s all try to stay strong and hope that things may get better thinking of you all xxx

[buttonboy]

I am so sorry not only for us as devastated parents but for the children we have loved and lost. It’s like a bereavement and so painful and hard to understand. All we can do is hope and pray x

[lime18]

Hi all yes it is devastating and rules our lives and unless it’s your child you will never understand the anxiety and heartbreak that drug addiction causes..love to you all let’s try to stay strong xxx

[lime18]

Sorry I should of said family member or loved one as I read the post about addicted husband and I’m truly sorry for you xxx

[buttonboy]

Hey everyone, we are on week three of our son attending CA and he is still clean (we test his urine daily), so proud of him and he genuinely looks more positive this time with his mentor support BUT we are still so anxious for him as very early days. He has a party tonight and we are encouraging him not to go but he insists he is going but will not be tempted to use. I am glad he feels so optimistic but we are worried sick. I so hope he is right x

[lime18]

Hi button boy that’s fantastic news I’m so happy for you but can fully understand how anxious you must be feeling ..fingers crossed hope he enjoys the party and stays strong love to you all xxx

[buttonboy]

So after 10 weeks clean and looking fantastic, he has relapsed. He admitted to it after his girlfriend found out yesterday. We had such high hopes he was over the worst as a counsellor told me making10 weeks was a real indicator of higher recovery hopes. Beyond devastated, we are so fractured as a family. WHY WHY WHY ???? We are good people, it is all so cruel and unfair on us all ???? Up until a few months ago we were a normal happy hardworking family and now this! I have a senior job and it is effecting my work so badly. I was crying today and had to leave early with some poor excuse. He sounded so lost when I called him at work, he sounded helpless and depressed. He said “mum no matter how hard I try, I know I will never be free of this” ????

[lime18]

Hi button boy I am so very sorry to hear your awful and devastating news it is hard to be able to say anything to make you feel any better. It breaks our hearts when we cant help ..hope your going to be ok .I know you wont but it’s a struggle to find any words of encouragement as I know exactly what your feeling..lots of love to you xxx

[paula]

Oh button boy I’m so sorry! Please don’t give up hope!!!! My son did this too, 2 months clean new job etc then started using again . It then hit rock bottom and his friends left him etc. He is now 4 months clean. We cannot give up, he will get there!!! I’ll be thinking of you xx

[dnanon]

To all you mums, I’ve read all your posts and feel for you all. ButtonBoy when I have researched it does say that there will be relapses and it’s how they react to them i.e. If they can admit to it and then get themselves back on track with their abstinence. Your son has admitted and seems genuinely sorry so encourage him to get back on track. Paula I hope your son continues with his staying clean. Lime, I feel for you too. If it’s any consolation at least you are all in contact with your sons and able to communicate with them. In the past we have been involved in our son’s attempts to get clean, however he never went as far as following the 12 step programme or going to rehab or CA. He has been taking cocaine for approx 10 years, aged 32, 2 failed relationships and a child with each. As I have posted before we helped him sell his house before xmas and he got a large amount of money. He owes us and a family member a lot of money. Since then he has almost cut us off completely, we have not seen him and he doesn’t speak to us but occasionally responds to the numerous texts we send. Last week he said he would be away and cut off from the outside world for a week until it’s all over!! We have been at our wits ends all week wondering exactly what he meant. I have been texting his gf to ask if he is ok and she just says ‘he’s not too bad’. He has told her not to give us any more information. Like you all have said some days I can be crying all day and other days I am planning my son’s funeral. Thinking of you all and wishfully hoping all our son’s get better xx

[paula]

Thank you DN anon and I truly hope that things improve with you son. It’s just so sad when you hear yet another family suffering, I wish I had a magic wand!!! We cannot stop hoping that our sons get better xx

[alwayshopeful]

Hi all, Paula I agree with you, so sad for all involved. we have had another week of 1 step forward and 3 back but I keep on with the hope that maybe just maybe we are inching forward. Thinking of you all xx

[jennifer68]

Hi just read your posts I totally understand how you feel I to have other children that are honest hardworking adults and my 21 year old is addicted to cocaine he lies steals is aggressive maniliputive and I spend most of my days and nights in a state it’s horrendous I have found this forum such a comfort just knowing I am not alone as the shame of who my son is now is sometimes unbearable , has there been any improvement in his behaviour or drug taking ?

[lou1321]

I have read and re-read the posts on this site and the overall drug of choice is Cocaine! Our poor kids who are vulnerable addicts to this disgusting powder are prayed upon by the scum who make money and drive around in nice cars and have nice houses and always immaculately dressed… I know of at least 10 dealers in my town (I have given the police their names) but nothing happens, they continue to deal.. Cocaine has become a huge problem in the UK but I just don’t see what anybody is doing about it!

When my son relapsed before Christmas he owed some thug £3.5k, I reported it to the police and was told you need to pay these people off they are nasty! WTF! I ended up paying it because my son was terrified as I have done every other time… I am very angry at the moment, as well as paying his debts my son stole from me again this weekend although he swears blind it wasn’t him … it never is. I am exhausted with it all never knowing who and what to believe.

I too hold down a full time demanding job as a single parent and have 3 other beautiful children (2 of whom are now young adults) .When do you say enough? Drugs ruins lives, the user for sure but all their loved ones too.. trying to get through with a smile on your face, being strong at work and at home for the other children and actually all you want to do is scream and cry and occasionally I would just like to run away from it all

[brandibred]

Hi All:

I’m in the US. I have a 17 year old daughter addicted to cocaine/crack. This has been going on almost 2 years now. Very sad. Just wanted to say your posts help me realize I’m not as alone as I think. Man this is awful.

[paula]

I’m so sorry! It’s so unbelievably difficult in every way and rig21 the attitude of the police is appalling!!! I honestly believe that the problem is out of control in our society and people are too ashamed to talk about it! Let’s just wait until an MP’s child/loved one is affected then maybe some better support / action will be taken. I am currently in therapy trying to make sense of it all and it’s helping me to stop blaming myself and trying to understand something that isn’t logical – addiction! My son has been clean for 4 months but is DJ ing tonight at a club and I’m terrified he will relapse, but I have to accept there’s nothing I can do and he has to make the choice xx

[lou1321]

Hi Paula

How is your son doing? 4 months is fab xx

[paula]

Hi Lou1321, he is doing really well. He is living with his Grandma in Switzerland, his choice he wanted to be away from influences here. 4 months clean and he has just got himself a job, has learned to play guitar and joined the rugby team. Small steps but am hopeful thank you for asking. How is your son, any improvement? Xx

[buttonboy]

I am so grateful for your support, but so sad for you all too, because I know just how much this hurts. He has no idea what he is doing to us as a family, I know relapse is part of the road to recovery but we are exhausted. There are so many ups and downs. I couldn’t sleep last night worrying he was going to die.

My heart is ripped out. What I do know is we CANNOT be enablers. He has been improving overall since we stopped paying his debts. He had just paid the last of dealers off and now he owes another £700 for what!! He still owes his friends and us, will we ever see it? At least he seems remorseful, stupid and ready to try again. We will see. He is out paying his entire wages to someone he owes just now. I can wait until he is home and safe. We are so annoyed we stopped urine testing after 10 clean weeks. We won’t do that again. Wishing you all the very best. My heart hurts for us all, I feel like running away xx

[lou1321]

Hi all I was a tad angry yesterday but today I am just sad, sad that here are so many of us having to deal with addiction although we are not the addicts.

We love our children unconditionally and actually feel their pain. It is like they get possessed by the drugs and they themselves are locked away inside their own bodies. I know that my son doesn’t want to steal from me and I know he doesn’t want to use but Cocaine gets such a hold on their bodies that they just can’t always fight it and then their actions are guided by the need of this drug.

What I do know is that, they have to really want to be clean, my son has told me it is different this time he really wants it and has joined CA.. this is the son that also stole from me at the weekend and swears blind it was not him…. I want to believe him with every ounce of my body but I know he is lieing, but if he stole it then he really isn’t trying to give up or maybe it was another old debt.. see I’m trying to make excuses for him already 🙁

So we carry on loving our children, not enabling them and praying that one day they will wake up with an inner strength that is stronger than Cocaine.

Take care you lovely people xx

[alwayshopeful]

Hi all, was hoping to give us all hope here today, but alas I’m empty and cold. My son (21) went to path2recovery yesterday by himself, normally I go to but he said no he wanted to try and face it himself so I stupidly respected his decision . . . He arrived back home this morning at the time he should have gone to work, out of his head and had driven!!! Needless to say passed out and a new job he has let down already, didn’t even manage a week. I discovered my mother lent him money!!!!! So I have become the mother from hell, taken his bank card, car keys and house keys and house is permanently locked, I’ve hidden all keys. If he has a job Monday he can have only his car keys. . If not home when I lock up then his problem. I feel So let down his grandmother gave him money she knew not too . . . Now I feel alienated from her too. How the heck do we stop this cycle, how do we help?!?!? There MUST be a way!!!

[lime18]

Hi to all of you will this hideous epidemic end ? I think it will only get worse I’ve been reading all your posts with tears rolling down my face .I haven’t posted much as I’ve nothing positive to say I spent a few hours with my son today we called to see his loving grandparents and we got some of his washing done and went out for lunch my mum said later how I’ll and thin he looked I got him some bits of shopping and dropped him back at the hostel If i could get him a little flat and pay his rent and look after him he wouldn’t get better it’s all i wish and hope for but until he stops taking that life destroying drug he wont ..sorry about all your misery i hope we can all be happy one day if our beautiful boys can be fixed love to you all xx

[jennifer68]

Always hopeful , god I feel your anger myn did same last week went for first meeting all positive and came back 18 hours later off his head I must of texted and rang him 100 times desperate to find out how it went obviously not well !! He actually blocked my number , he’d borrowed 100 pound from somewhere and had good day ! While I was a wreck at home wish I could turn my back sometimes and not care but impossible obviously hope he hasn’t lost the job , I sometimes think it’s easier when my son doesn’t get work as I get all excited but only ever lasts couple days before he blows it and the wages for the two days usually just means a bender is coming . rlg 21 I get your views on the dealers i hate them they always have nice cars designer clothes well groomed where my son looks like a tramp I have messaged one before , bad idea , caused more trouble than it was worth got my son a slap and threats to us all I am not scared but have to think of everyone else involved . I know from years of this that for police to get a court case on these people is virtually impossible they need so much evidence and they are very clever at what they do I really have to hold my tongue . Let’s all hope and prey we can have a calm weekend x

[dnanon]

Hi Jennifer, my son eventually went self employed but that stopped as he was continually letting customers down and getting a bad reputation. We thought that it was best for him to be in work but now realise that the only reason he would go to work was to get money for coke. It’s a catch 22 situation cos if not working then what will they do in order to get money for drugs. I just hope that my son will talk to us as he has not really been in contact still since November. Thinking of you all this weekend xx

[lou1321]

Hi DNAnon

How is your son? Did you manage to find out where he went for the week… I hope it is good news.

xx

[dnanon]

Hi Lou, we came to the conclusion that he and his gf went on holiday abroad. Why he said things like no contact with the outside world until it’s all over we don’t know. We have tried to contact him since but he has not responded. We called round his flat the other day but he wouldn’t see us and said he will when he is ready. When this is going to be we have no idea. We are 99% sure he is still using but can’t get this confirmed from his gf. He hasn’t seen his kids since November and it’s his daughter’s birthday tomorrow.

[lou1321]

I am so sorry DNAnon, more than anything else it is so hurtful. It must be hard to keep a brave face and see your grandchildren, although children have an amazing knack of making you smile xxx Like all of us, I expect you are driving yourself crazy with the not knowing and also the selfishness that addicts seem to have in abundance. I have to remind myself it is the drug not the person, our lovely beautiful boys are in their somewhere and once they decide to make a reappearance and battle the drug we will be here wholeheartedly to support them xx

Yes, I have to focus on my other three now and hope that one day my son will come back to me xxx

[buttonboy]

I hope it works out for us all. Not in a million years did I ever think this would be our lives possibly for the rest of it too. Just getting up every day is so tough ???? I feel so worthless and a terrible mother to have raised an addict.

[dnanon]

Sorry to hear that your son is still using and things aren’t getting any better. I think it’s good that you are focussing on your other children as they do tend to lose out. Hopefully that will take your mind off your son, although you will always be there for him. It’s so frustrating for us mums as unless our son’s decide themselves that they want to stop and change their lives there is very little we can do. You take care xx

[buttonboy]

Hi all, after 10-12 weeks clean, a one week lapse and now 3 weeks clean again, my son’s mood is so low. His brother is worried about his mental health too. He just got suspended from work for a week with no pay, and then got got speeding coming home! His life is an absolute car crash at the moment and this has added to his stress. It’s killing us and we know we shouldn’t enable him but to see him so vulnerable, helpless / hopeless and in such terrible debt is horrible ???????? Are we fools to offer to pay debts and he pays us back?

[lime18]

Hi button boy I’m really sorry to hear about your son and maybe we are fools but I’ve paid lots of debts off over the years and my son us still an addict has no job and lives in a hostel so it didn’t help him sadly your son has a job and a car so he will probably be able to pay you back myself I would be tempted to pay the debts its difficult to say no as a mum I borrowed money on credit cards I never got it back but I wanted to protect him and keep him safe I have been told I shouldn’t of done it but it’s a terrible situation to be in and we just want to help Good luck with your decision. Xxx

[lou1321]

Hi ButtonBoy , its so hard to watch them struggle, my son who is now 24 had a relapse too and I ended up driving around a village trying to find him as he was calling me hiding in a bush as a dealer had broken into his flat looking for him as he owed him money. He escaped the flat and hid… AND again I paid his debts by using my credit cards and taking a bank loan although I told him the last time that I would never pay his debts again! He was so grateful and told me he was back at CA and remorseful but I know like every other time I have helped I wont get a penny back. He stole from me a couple of weeks ago but obviously says it wasn’t him… My son lived with me until December when he was granted a council flat, he is working and has to pay rent and bills etc and I thought his would be his turning point… but sadly not. He has already been through rehab but his addiction is so strong, he hates it and hates what it is doing but is not strong enough to stop. I know that before rehab he sniffed throughout the day, it got so bad he the got seizures… I don’t know if the addiction is now the same again or hasn’t got to that point yet. He says he is clean… I say he is not so now he hasn’t contacted me for a week and I hate it but there is a small part of me that is grateful that I am not living in that environment again. My other children deserve more, I have made the decision to put their needs before his because he has had my full attention for far too long. My other 3 hate drugs and the world surrounding it so I need to concentrate on them now. I love my son so much that my heart aches for him but I can’t save him, only he can do that. xx I cant tell you whether to pay the debts or not and like Lime18 I have never been able to say No..

[paula]

Hi Lou1321, he is doing really well. He is living with his Grandma in Switzerland, his choice he wanted to be away from influences here. 4 months clean and he has just got himself a job, has learned to play guitar and joined the rugby team. Small steps but am hopeful thank you for asking

[dnanon]

Hi Paula, there is hope for us all if your son is able to change his lifestyle for the better. Hope he continues to stay clean. It is also difficult for our sons who unfortunately can’t get away from those evil influences. Best of luck to you and your son x

[paula]

Hi All, yes my son is incredibly lucky that he has somewhere to escape too, I honestly believe and he recognises that if he stays in our town he won’t be able to break the cycle but it took 3 years for him to reach that conclusion! I was looking into therapeutic communities before his grandmother offered to try and help, not many in UK though! Thinking of you all and just keep hoping our boys can be strong and turn that corner. Best wishes All

[lou1321]

Oh Paula, I am so pleased for you and your son. You must feel like a weight has been lifted for now at least. He may have found his calling in life and embraced it. I know there is always that feeling of worry but as time goes on and the months clean turn into a year I hope the worry will lessen. I wish you both all the luck in the world. x So So pleased to read this this morning xxxxx

[lou1321]

And thank you for asking, my son hasn’t spoken to me in a week, that is actually the longest ever I have gone without contact. I found out yesterday that he had applied for credit in my name. I worry constantly but I have started to become a bit numb of all feeling, although I did shed a tear (of joy) when I read how well your son was doing xxx

[lime18]

Hi all I’ve just been reading your posts some good news and some bad news thinking of all the people like me who only get the bad news let’s keep hoping our lovely lads get there acts together and accept the help that “apparently “is out there when they choose to engage. Xx

[lime18]

Fingers crossed for you Paula but its sounding good ..its lovely to hear some nice news for a change ..enjoy the rest and keep us updated xxx

[buttonboy]

Paula, I really hope it works out for you. We are so ashamed and deseperate we are thinking of giving up our much loved home and moving away.

[paula]

Button Boy you have nothing to be ashamed of. Our sons were unlucky that they became addicted, as so many people try drugs but don’t get addicted. I think also as parents we automatically blame ourselves but honestly I think we mistakenly think we have more influence over our children than we actually do! You are not responsible for your sons actions and are not a bad parent. The reasons our kids and not others became addicted are so complex. It’s awful too that we feel ashamed, but those people who judge are very fortunate to not have to suffer as we do! Button boy my son is still doing well in Switzerland , still clean and things are looking positive. Please don’t give up. This time last year he was given 6 months to live x

[paula]

Button Boy, if you did move would your son come too? X

[lime18]

Hi buttonboy Paula loulou Danon and all you other mums of addicts I dont think any of us have had much to say on the forum for a while ? I have been tempted to post to see if anyone wanted to chat ? But sadly I have no motivating news for anyone as things with my son are not changing hes still not engaging hes withering away I haven’t seen him since last week .anyway I’m just going to stop for a min as I was just about to tell you all a lengthy tale about the terrible devastating life of my 30 yr old …11year of cocaine addiction son but actually I’m worn out with talking about it I met my lovely friend who has alsohelped with probs with my son “the only friend “!! Who I have ever really talked to who also loves my son I told her that I devastes me every day and every minute of my life I think about him before I eventually drift off I do need a sleep aid only from tesco!I wake during the night several times and when it’s time to get up I’m exhausted and turn my phone on then I wait ..and if theres no bad news hes got through another day or night that is how bad being the mum of an addict is I said to my friend tonight you could never imagine or wish the feelings we have on anyone and I will never be able to feel real happiness again…sorry and hope you dont mind my rant it’s all been building up and I hope you all know how it makes us feel xxx

[lime18]

Hello again I’ve just looked at the posts again and I hope you dont all think I’m a complete misery ? Because I never have any good or positive news but that’s only about my son..and hes been taking drugs !of some description since he was 18 .but without all that I am cheerful and like to laugh and love happiness xxx is anyone still awake to chat ?

[hox]

Lime18, I don’t think you are a misery at all. I can understand your devastation, I feel the same. Thinking of them every minute of every day. You eventually fall asleep thinking of them (husband) you wake up numerous times in the night thinking of them, then you wake in the morning thinking of them, feeling sick. There is no peace with this addiction. I can fully understand and I know I will not feel real happiness again either. I’m worn out too.

[lime18]

Oh God it sounds like a bloody chat line sorry hahaha x

[lou1321]

Hi Lime18

It gets to all of us, I am sure of that! Sometimes you want to rant and other times you just think Enough! I don’t think you are a misery, I think you are a mum who loves her son and is desperately sad and angry that addiction rules his life, as I am. So you take care xxxx

[lime18]

Hi lou1321 that’s very nice of you made me fill up but that doesn’t take much anymore and yes some days we try to cut ourselves off and say Enough ! But it’s so very difficult..you take care also xxx

[jennifer68]

Hi all haven’t been on for while too exhausted ! I decided to cut myself off emotionally from it all for my own sanity but that hasn’t lasted long had terrible week of him last week and spent the weekend in my pjs crying feeling sorry for myself and just wanting a normal life without these feeling of desperation it’s absolute shit ! I have stopped letting friends and family come to my house as never know if he’s gonna be here or be in a state when family are here it’s embarrassing I can’t even have my grandkids sleep over incase he’s on it or drunk not that he’d hurt them just that it wouldn’t be morally right I hate him but love him if anyone understands that feeling ?

[paula]

Hi Jennifer, Yes I know that feeling only too well! I’m so sorry it’s so awful , I felt so alone. I tried to hide my son away from people and his nice friends said they couldn’t cope with him any more and others said they were too embarrassed to be seen with him. He went to watch his friends at a rugby match took ketamine at half time and couldn’t walk or talk. I think his friends disowning him actually was the trigger to try and get clean. We are always here if you need to chat, it’s difficult to talk to family and friends. It’s funny how you still feel protective of them even when they are so awful! Xx

[jennifer68]

Thanks Paula , yeah my son has lost his proper mates now has these friends that are in same situation as him and are all a mess themselves ! His sisters and brother are ashamed as they here stuff about him from people who see him out and about and are mortified , he looks a state and does awful things always trying to borrow money off people I understand how they feel . My son does bad stuff then feels bad and is full of promises that he’s gonna change his life but it only ever lasts few days don’t know what the answer is it’s down to him to do it and it frustrates me so much as I believe the sorry s and promises every time I have even had times where I consider just moving away myself but obviously wouldn’t and couldn’t anyway , god it’s a nightmare

[paula]

You are doing so well, better than I did! I literally came to the end of the road emotionally with my son and his dad stepped in and he went to live with him. After a few weeks he couldn’t cope and he sent my son to stay with his grandmother in Switzerland ( poor her!) whilst we looked for a therapeutic community or long term rehab. My son never came back , I think the fear of rehab again was too much. He is now living and working out there, still early days and it has been a long road but fingers crossed x

[lime18]

Hi Jennifer ,hox and all you other mums and wives yes its exhausting isnt it I feel worn out again this morning been waking up all night with palpitations fretting and worrying.yes I do know that feeling Jennifer all day everyday I battle with myself saying I’m going to keep my distance until he starts to try to sort himself out I’m going to tell him what I think ….and then I hear from him if he has a phone and I go all soft on him I dont know when any of us are actually going to feel normal again with this terrible black cloud hanging over us and our loved ones …thinking of you all xxx

[icarus-trust]

Hi All,

Just a reminder that if any of you would like to talk with other people who would also understand what you are going through please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We know how hard it is for the families and friends of addicts which is why we offer a free service of support.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the very best to you all.

[buttonboy]

Hi Everyone, I first came to this Forum completely destroyed as a family when our beautiful baby boy started using cocaine in 2017 aged 18. We paid thousands out to his debt and got nowhere, paid for counselling and even paid him for a clean urine tests, bought an old car on a promise he would give up but nothing stopped it. After writing my thoughts here at my lowest point as we sat in the dark one night because drug dealers were coming to the door for money after he’d been sacked from a fabulous job, I felt so ashamed I wished him dead and even thought of taking my own life due to the burning shame I felt. I just want you to know that he has been clean since August 2019, he is still slowly paying off debts to us and friends (he owed £1000’s), but he is now working full time and although I still worry sick every time he is late or he drinks too much he is CLEAN. I am so grateful for all the support on here and from our other children (we never told anyone else) . I’m sure your day will come too. He said he stopped because it wasn’t fun anymore and he was sick of his sh*t life. His MH has been terrible. I pray he continues to remain well and I hope that your children too are able to recover. It’s our hearts, self-worth and mental health that will take a bit longer. I miss my old carefree life so much, but we are happy to take this new normal and be grateful for what we have. The best thing we ever did was to stop helping xx

[hox-26]

Hi ButtonBoy and Paula. I’m so glad you are seeing something positive. Keep well yourselves.

[paula]

Hi ButtonBoy, I shed a few tears when I read your post this morning, I am so pleased for you. You and I were going through really bad times with our sons at about the same time last year and I too felt the same complete despair. My son too is now clean since about September and is working, attending therapy and daily NA and AA, he is even supporting others. He has even started to do nice things for us, whereas previously he would only contact if he needed money…which hadn’t happened for so many years. You are absolutely right though the rehab, laying awake all night, constant worrying and ‘helping’ didn’t make any difference! The decision to be clean came from him in the end , not sure what the turning point was, but after 7 long years he decided to stop. Like you I worry every day, his MH is Often fragile but the signs are positive. Just wanted to say to those of you in this awful situation to not give up hope xx

[buttonboy]

Hey everyone, it’s now over two years since I started this thread at my lowest point with a son addicted to Cocaine and us a completely destroyed family. I felt such a failure as a parent and so dreadfully ashamed. Last year I let everyone know he seemed to be in the early stages of recovery and I want to tell you that he is now 16 months CLEAN. Life isn’t perfect, but he is well and I thank God for every extra day we have been given with him. If I can offer any advice it would be (1) Don’t keep paying the debt as it enables the addiction and (2) Accept that you won’t ever get your old life back but you will be able to function, sleep well and worry less. Finally (3) They won’t stop until they are truly ready not matter how much you beg. Wishing that you all one day find your peace too. Moving on from addiction is part of a five year cycle. Counting every month until he is truly free. Hugs to you all XX

[lou1321]

It is so lovely to be reconnected with you all. I am thrilled that your son is continuing to successfully battle his addiction, I have tonight gone back and read through this thread and it made me shed a few tears. I hope all of you other mums are finding yourselves in much stronger positions and hopefully your loved ones too. My son, now 26 moved back home in June after he had not paid rent and began using on his own in his flat, he came back and cried (again) bit this time I didn’t bail him out but I did speak to the dealers he owed and basically said he can set up a payment plan or take him to court, of course they opted for the plan. He thankfully has held down his job and has the most amazing boss who understood. He is now 6 months clean and I feel like I have my son back. His MH is not great but he recognises this and is trying to work on it with a counsellor.

I stand by every word of button boys advice.

Thank you all of allowing me to wallow, offering words of comfort, and just being there anonymously understanding my plight. Take care all of you xxxxxxx

[lindyloo]

Hi all, I’ve been reading your thread and its been great to read the success stories.

It shows other families, that with hope, love and determination a person with addictions can fight this evil that destroys lives and devastates families .

My son is also a recovering addict, 70 days clean, i know it’s tough for them, but as long as he’s trying, we’ll support him. I could totally relate to everything you’ve been through as a parent.

Thanks for your post.

Lx

[buttonboy]

Hey everyone,I just want to say I think about you all often. No mum should go through what we do. So happy for those in recovery and praying that those not ready to stop, finds way to stop soon. Feel for you all. My boy remains clean but it’s only 18months and5he cycle of change takes 5yrs.I pray every day and thank god forgiving him back to us. We just hope it’s forever ????????

[buttonboy]

Hey everyone,I just want to say I think about you all often. No mum should go through what we do. So happy for those in recovery and praying that those not ready to stop, finds way to stop soon. Feel for you all. My boy remains clean but it’s only 18months and we know the cycle of change takes 5yrs. I pray every day and thank god forgiving him back to us. We just hope it’s forever ????????

[lou1321]

Hi all, Just checking in to see how you are all doing? Its been a while for all of us on this chat. I hope your boys remain clean 🙂

Mine has just completed a 6 month open rehab scheme and graduated last week, back working full time, so I pray with every ounce of my being that he continues on this road of recovery

I think of you all often, feel you are like my secret friends who just ‘know’ Much love xxxx

[lou1321]

Hi all, Just checking in to see how you are all doing? Its been a while for all of us on this chat. I hope your boys remain clean 🙂

Mine has just completed a 6 month open rehab scheme and graduated last week, back working full time, so I pray with every ounce of my being that he continues on this road of recovery

I think of you all often, feel you are like my secret friends who just ‘know’ Much love xxxx

[k023]

Hi everyone. I know this thread is probably very old now… but I need some help please.

I’m a single mum with no real family support. My son has been using cocaine on and off for about 4-5 years now. He’s 22 years old.

Recently it’s got really bad. He’s doing it nearly every night. He’s been owing dealers too.

He’s had a job for about 6 months now, but recently the work just isn’t there. He’d only do cocaine at the weekend if he had work in the week.

I think I’ve tried everything. I got him into an outpatient drug centre. Where they would only give patients a blood test once a week, which I can do at home. And he saw a counsellor once a month. He stopped going.

I’ve got him a psychologist, psychiatrist and a talk therapist. None of those seemed to help.

I’ve tried the hard line with him, the soft approach, I’ve even tried to ignore it.

I’ve tried to encourage him to do some sort of sport. He went boxing for a while.

He’s just started going out with a girl that he’s known for a while. She is a non drug user. My son has said if I let her come round at weekends then he’ll stop using. If not then he’ll keep using.

I don’t know what to do. I have refused this idea so far as I don’t think he’ll stop using when he’s not with her. They can’t be together 24/7. Also I don’t want my home to be used as a knocking shop, if you’ll excuse the expression. I don’t want to be held to ransom.

My home is only 44m2 so it’s not as though they or I can escape anywhere. I don’t go out much at all.

I just don’t know what to do about anything anymore. I’m worried and stressed constantly and I have to work.

I would be very grateful for any advice.

Thank you

[k023]

Hi everyone. I know this thread is probably very old now… but I need some help please.

I’m a single mum with no real family support. My son has been using cocaine on and off for about 4-5 years now. He’s 22 years old.

Recently it’s got really bad. He’s doing it nearly every night. He’s been owing dealers too.

He’s had a job for about 6 months now, but recently the work just isn’t there. He’d only do cocaine at ythe weekend if he had work in the week.

I think I’ve tried everything. I got him into an outpatient drug centre. Where they would only give patients a blood test once a week, which I can do at home. And he saw a counsellor once a month. He stopped going.

I’ve got him a psychologist, psychiatrist and a talk therapist. None of those seemed to help.

I’ve tried the hard line with him, the soft approach, I’ve even tried to ignore it.

I’ve tried to encourage him to do some sort of sport. He went boxing for a while.

He’s just started going out with a girl that he’s known for a while. She is a non drug user. My son has said if I let her come round at weekends then he’ll stop using. If not then he’ll keep using.

I don’t know what to do. I have refused this idea so far as I don’t think he’ll stop using when he’s not with her. They can’t be together 24/7. Also I don’t want my home to be used as a knocking shop, if you’ll excuse the expression. I don’t want to be held to ransom.

Our home is only 44m2 so it’s not as though they or I can escape anywhere. I don’t go out much at all.

I just don’t know what to do about anything anymore. I’m worried and stressed constantly and I have to work.

I would be very grateful for any advice.

Thank you

[paula]

Hi K023, I’m so sorry to hear your story it all sounds really familiar… Firstly, I think you really need some support, I’m saying this as I tried to manage by myself, I was ashamed to tell my friends and ended up struggling to cope. There is a charity who often on here who offer counselling and support but to be honest just talking to someone, knowing I was not the only one with a child who was an addict and that it wasn’t my fault really helped. My son is now 2 1/2 years clean after a battle with all kinds of drugs. Getting clean came from him, he went to rehab and relapsed several times, we sent him away to family away from influences but he still found drugs…we took control of his money, took away his car keys . He finally hit rock bottom , his good friends deserted him and he lost several to overdoses.In the end , just when I’d given up hope he found AA and CA a good sponsor and found his way. Please keep the faith, he will get there , you sound like an amazing mum. You sound like you’re getting tougher and not enabling him (which is key but so hard to do!!) would he agree to join a support group do you think?

[margot]

So sorry to hear your sons problems with addiction. Addiction affects the whole family. My husband is a recovering addict and has been clean 3 years. He has a sponsor and sponsees. He never wanted to give up taking drugs. He went to NA to appease me, and something clicked with him. The first couple of years or do he wasn’t really clean as he was drinking alcohol. Then he started again, got a sponsor and started working the 12 step programme. He has put the work in. Recovery is possible. We have two daughters and it has been hard over the years. But now finally we can see a change. No lies. No addict behaviour. He isn’t perfect, no one is. He is clean and serene, one day at a time. Please don’t give up on your loved ones, but do have boundaries. That’s one thing I stuck to. At First I used to enable. To be honest at times it’s hard to know what to do. Good luck all of you ????

[margot]

So sorry to hear your sons problems with addiction. Addiction affects the whole family. My husband is a recovering addict and has been clean 3 years. He has a sponsor and sponsees. He never wanted to give up taking drugs. He went to NA to appease me, and something clicked with him. The first couple of years or so he wasn’t really clean as he was drinking alcohol. Then he started again, got a sponsor and started working the 12 step programme. He has put the work in. Recovery is possible. We have two daughters and it has been hard over the years. But now finally we can see a change. No lies. No addict behaviour. He isn’t perfect, no one is. He is clean and serene, one day at a time. Please don’t give up on your loved ones, but do have boundaries. That’s one thing I stuck to. At First I used to enable. To be honest at times it’s hard to know what to do. Good luck all of you ????

[k023]

Thanks Paula and Margot. I will look out for the charity that offers counselling on here, as I feel I need support from professionals or at least from people that have some experience of what I’m going through. I am lucky that I have a couple of friends that I can confide in and that are willing to listen. You’re right, I feel ashamed too that my son is an addict.

I found some NA online groups for my son to join just a few days ago. My son registered but his phone wouldn’t work for the group and he gave up. He then went out and came home that night without using. I had renewed hope.

However last night he stayed out, he’s obviously been using and probably still is. I know the signs. I’ve no doubt that I won’t see him now for the rest of the weekend and just worry if he’s alive or dead, hospitalised or incarcerated.

He has no money, so how he is affording the cocaine I have no idea. He says he gives lifts to people for money.

Thanks again, Paula and Margot, for responding to my message. (I didn’t realise that the emails from Adfam were going to my junk folder.) Both your messages have given me hope. I won’t give up trying to get him to talk to NA and I won’t give up on him.

[margot]

You’re doing all the right things. Maybe get him to go to a physical meeting and you go with him the first time. NA telephone number is listed on here also. Good luck ????

[sarahg]

You are not alone, my husband and I are in exactly the same situation as you with our 22 year old son. I too dread the weekends as soon as he finishes work on a Friday he disappears then until Sunday or Monday, comes back with black eyes etc and full of lies. We have tried everything to help him and he does admit he has an addiction to cocaine but wants to do nothing about it. He just blames everything and everybody. We have had a security camera installed and as soon as my husband and I went away for the weekend there were drug dealers at our door dropping of cocaine at all hours through the night. It is causing so much hurt for us we are at the end of tether with him and don’t know what else to do. I totally understand how you feel, we have thrown him out and he lived in his car for 2 months then came begging to come home so we let him as it was so hard wondering if he was alive everyday, and we thought at least if he is with us we can keep an eye on him and if anything happened to him we would blame ourselves for making him homeless, it’s just such a hard situation on what to do for the best!

[Author]

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