[LovingMan]

Living together 13 years. Surviving in a rented bungalow on 50% pension 50% Universal credit. My youngest son lives with us 50% yet going to university soon.

We have both been abused in one way or another in the past. Myself two past marriages, both cheated, both tried to clean me out and I almost ended up on the street. 2nd divorce very messy, family court disgusting and abusive. My 2 other children alienated from me. A decade in court and all ‘evidence’ against me proven false. Still children’s please to continue residing with me (primary carer) utterly ignored even though frightening ‘professional’ evidence of exes mental/psychological issues seen by all. I survived that, helped in part by meeting new partner D in the middle of it. She has also been abused in the past, had cigarettes put out on her as a baby, raped by a brother, last ex unfaithful.

She smoked when we met. She knew I hated that and that I was concerned for her health so we took advice and she kicked the habit using Champix. Fast forward to mid last year. I caught her secret smoking, her reaction was awful and childish. Gaslighting and denial followed. We sorted it eventually and she quit again her behaviour damaged me as expected. Calmness resumed till 1st July this year. Caught her smoking again, she tried to deny it and eventually stated “I’m not going to quit smoking”.  After a few days I managed a chat. She stated “it’s not you it’s me”, “it’s nothing to do with love”, “I can’t promise you anything”, “shame I keep being an ass”. Still we managed to agree a way forward and ways of dealing with addiction pangs, chewing gum, lemon flavoured nicotine gum if severe. It seemed to be working, yet caught her secret smoking on another two occasions over the month. 3rd August caught her with smoking items in a swimming bag she’d offered for searching just a week before when I suspected something (no tobacco though). She was initially shocked and confused then a while later tried to gaslight me again by claiming the things were in the bag when I looked last week !. She also tried to turn it on me for searching her bag even though thanking me for hanging out to dry the wet towels in there !. Things escalated even though I remained surprisingly calm, she’s now threatening to leave me and has packed all her clothes while also claiming she won’t notify Universal Credit for 3 months ??. Smoking no longer hidden, ash tray appeared on the garden table. So far she has no interest in talk or sorting this out.

It’s killing me of course, can’t eat and sleeping badly yet she is carrying on almost as normal, sat in her usual chair in the livingroom crocheting and watching things on her pad as I fall apart. I’ve she leaves I’m at risk of losing our two bed home, my youngest leaving for university soon is compounding my fears and I doubt I’ll get a two bed again so no where for his bed and all his things.

HELP

[Author]

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