[willp]

It seems he is doing all the classic self-denial tricks like setting rules around his drinking to prove to everyone, including himself, how in-control he is. Every time you challenge him he is affronted, and now he is trying to suggest that you are a hypocrite because of your weight gain. The lockdown makes all this far worse.

You might consider trying a counter-intuitive approach by asking him if he would like to explore ways he could enjoy and control his drinking better, rather than persuade him to cut down or quit (the dependent drinker’s biggest fear). You might find notalcoholicbut.com helpful in this regard. At least it will show your support for his continued drinking whilst giving him the space to self-analyse what he is actually getting from alcohol – which of course is not a lot. Worth a try perhaps?

[hattie22]

Thanks so much for your reply. It is appreciated. He often tries to tell me I’m crazy and have no idea what an alcoholic is…and I have said I believe it’s dependency and binge drinking rather that alcoholism as I know he can control it.

Since writing this post, he has drank less but has also been able to go back to golf since the new rules, which fills a void for him, I guess — perfect for me as it gets him out of the house but the clubhouse isn’t open! If only it could stay that way! However, it’s also due to the fact that he has mismanaged his money and run out of money to pay for alcohol and so is pacing himself more as pay day approaches. He gets paid next Friday though (monthly paid) so I envisage a repeat of binge drinking because he’ll have money again. But that in itself is an issue, as where he justified spending this month because he was saving petrol etc…that won’t wash with me next month as he left himself broke and unable to contribute to our last week’s grocery shop. And his furlough money is reducing.

He accuses me of patronising him when I offer to get him to think of ways to resolve his issues and says he’ll deal with it himself…of course, he doesn’t though!

I just feel like I’m dealing with an overgrown spoilt child that thinks he deserves want he wants despite having a fairly low income job. I already had three kids, I didn’t sign up for another and I’m so tired having to be the only sensible responsible boring one, who in his words is ‘no fun and just wants to watch tv’. This is a result of his idea of fun involves alcohol and when mixed with socialising, he embarrasses me – I don’t want to feel this way. Also, last week my 20 yr old son told me he’d really like to have dinner with his girlfriend and her parents but he didn’t want to invite my partner, so he might ask his grandparents instead – I am so upset about this!

Thank you for the advice and link, I will have a look – sorry for further rant ????

[willp]

He has pushed you to the absolute limit. I feel so sorry for you because you are being so understanding of his problem despite his unbearable, selfish and childish behaviour. You have to look after yourself. I’m certain you don’t want this man to come between you and your lovely children. He needs the inspiration for sobriety. Either that, or he needs to be prepared to go through the slog of quitting. I wonder really if he is anywhere near to addressing this. As I say, a counter-intuitive approach may be a possible way forward.

[hattie22]

Thank you. I’m a relatively intelligent person but when I try to discuss things with him, he has a knack of bamboozling me and making me out to be the villain and responds with passive aggressive statements… “I’ll give up golf, I’ll give up drinking, I’ll stop eating lunch, I’ll give up vaping etc because that’s what you want me to do” Of course, there is no meaning behind these statements, they are just to guilt me and he acts the martyr! He also very good at bouncing back from these conflicts and I am not, within hours, he can be acting as if nothing happened and I’m left still fuming from the things he said.

I’ve looked at the link you suggested and it looks interesting…I have bought him self-help books before, which he agrees to read but never does. I think this is where he is successful. He’ll often back down and agree to be proactive but doesn’t see things through.

Incidentally, I’m very lucky that my 20 year old is pretty level headed, he understands and empathises with my relationship – he knows I will always put him and his siblings first and I cannot just walk away from the relationship – at 20, he is far more mature than my partner!

Thanks again for reply.

[willp]

Your 20 year-old sounds a wonderful young man.

Good luck. You’re never alone.

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