[hattie22]

Hi, having read a few posts here, I feel that my issues are pretty mild but the situation is still a huge burden for me.

My partner and I have been together for nearly four years. When we met he was quite upfront about his history of addiction: alcohol, drugs and gambling but I was impressed that he seemed to have turned this around. Stopped drugs and gambling and reduced alcohol. Looking back now, I realise that he was self medicating with alcohol and has since, with my encouragement been diagnosed with anxiety and depression – for which he takes meds for.

In the first year or two of our relationship, his alcohol dependency was not obvious or apparent to me. He enjoyed a drink still and would happily finish a whole bottle of red wine in an hour or so but in those early days I think that ‘I’ was his main addiction. He was very intense in the relationship and I had to make him aware that he was suffocating me.

Anyway, I’m not denying that I had my doubts about the relationship but on our one year anniversary, he proposed which lead shortly after, to him moving into my rented house with my three children (now aged 20,15 & 8). I should mention that in that first year he independently made the decision to give up smoking and vaping as we are a smoke free family and he said he wanted to do it for us, especially my 8 year old who he was starting to see as his own. He also chose to stop drinking for a month and reduce going forwards.

During the first year of him living with us, it was his mental health issues that became apparent – I feel, looking back, because he was no longer self medicating and also dealing withdrawal symptoms. I did my best to support him: researched anxiety and depression – I encouraged him to go to doctor and get take up a sport. He attended CBT sessions for 6 weeks and took up golf.

During this process, we decided to buy a house together instead of spending out on a wedding. It was during this process that I encouraged him to go back to the doctors and ask for meds to help him. He was very reluctant but agreed. I can’t say they helped much at home but he seemed to cope with work stresses better (he had a job as a Storeman that he hated). After we had settled into the house, cracks started to become obvious with his relationship with my eldest son – alpha clashes, I guess but they just stayed out of each other’s way. I found this upsetting as it meant I saw less of my son. He would never eat at the table with us for example. My partner also started to become obsessed with golf and was choosing to spend all weekend at golf and in the golf club. I believe this is when he other addictions kept back in as he was back to socialising with others and having a drink or more. He started smoking secretly until I caught him and was driving back from golf club after drinking too much. For several months this caused lots of arguments and he eventually decided that it was the meds fault as it was numbing him and meaning he wasn’t thinking of me and the family. During this time he also built up a lot of credit card debt, including using a £5000 loan in my name with my permission to consolidate his debts, which I since found out he did not do.

All this culminated in a night out with his friends for his birthday and me discovering that he had taken some coke and acted inappropriately with another woman, he didn’t sleep with her but sent inappropriate messages. He blamed the alcohol and admitted it made him make poor decisions but I was devastated because I never dreamed he would even look at another woman and had always been the one paranoid that I would meet someone else (for no good reason). We had a difficult Xmas 2019 with another incident of inappropriate behaviour on NYE – he spent the whole evening chatting to three 20 year old girls at a friend’s house party – it was really embarrassing. When confronted, he could not understand my problem! During January I suggested he needed to go back to doctors for meds as he was really struggling at work and self medicating at home with alcohol causing arguments. We had also had issues with his sex drive on the first meds, so he requested different ones to avoid that issue.

Fortunately new meds seemed to be ok and he eventually got another job and was starting to face up to his financial issues, which he had been burying his head in the sand over. This was causing stress in the relationship too as it was putting a strain on my finances too.

We were hopeful that new job would make him happier and was a bit more money, so would help him manage finances. He started job and was furloughed after 6 days. This was good news as we are doubtful he’d have got the same at previous employer.

Since lockdown we have had several arguments about finances and the money he spends on alcohol. He was buying two bottles of wine and drinking all in one evening, then back for cider the next day -15 pack, which he will finish off in two days. I pointed out that he couldn’t afford this but we came to a financial arrangement for when he got his first full months pay for him to promise to pay his share of bills and groceries. He has kept to this but due to cancelling his CC payments and having no petrol or golf expenses he has plenty of money left over and in the past week has drank every night and spent approx £70.

In addition his drinking and vaping is causing him to spend time away from me playing games/watching videos/chatting to friends online in the kitchen and rarely spends quality time with MT watching tv in front room. He argues that he isn’t in to tv and this has been a recurring problem since he started vaping and drinking again and I find it upsetting that he chooses that over sitting with me more often than not. He can’t sit through a programme or film without getting up every 20 minutes to vape in kitchen as I won’t allow it in front room.The kitchen was an eventual compromise as he was spending his time going back and forth to car to vape over the winter.

I got upset about this tonight and it turned into a huge row where he denies he has a drink problem and says I’m controlling him and that’s turning him to drink alongside struggling with lockdown. I should add he is keeping himself busy with house and garden DIY jobs and only drinking in the evenings. He turned it around on me and said that my weight gain was more of a concern as I was eating more chocolate and biscuits. I have been a yo-yo dieter all my life, it’s something I’m very aware of and self conscious of at a size 20. But as most people are finding it is difficult to manage when working from home and sitting at a laptop all day – I’m a teacher so usually more active.

Sorry – huge rant and I feel it’s maybe a relatively small problem to others but I feel like I’m living Groundhog Day with the arguments and his accusation of me controlling him and nick picking at him when all I’m trying to do is support his mental health, health and financial management. If I said nothing, he would get worse and worse, I’m sure!

Thanks for reading if you got through that – would appreciate any advice x

[willp]

It seems he is doing all the classic self-denial tricks like setting rules around his drinking to prove to everyone, including himself, how in-control he is. Every time you challenge him he is affronted, and now he is trying to suggest that you are a hypocrite because of your weight gain. The lockdown makes all this far worse.

You might consider trying a counter-intuitive approach by asking him if he would like to explore ways he could enjoy and control his drinking better, rather than persuade him to cut down or quit (the dependent drinker’s biggest fear). You might find notalcoholicbut.com helpful in this regard. At least it will show your support for his continued drinking whilst giving him the space to self-analyse what he is actually getting from alcohol – which of course is not a lot. Worth a try perhaps?

[hattie22]

Thanks so much for your reply. It is appreciated. He often tries to tell me I’m crazy and have no idea what an alcoholic is…and I have said I believe it’s dependency and binge drinking rather that alcoholism as I know he can control it.

Since writing this post, he has drank less but has also been able to go back to golf since the new rules, which fills a void for him, I guess — perfect for me as it gets him out of the house but the clubhouse isn’t open! If only it could stay that way! However, it’s also due to the fact that he has mismanaged his money and run out of money to pay for alcohol and so is pacing himself more as pay day approaches. He gets paid next Friday though (monthly paid) so I envisage a repeat of binge drinking because he’ll have money again. But that in itself is an issue, as where he justified spending this month because he was saving petrol etc…that won’t wash with me next month as he left himself broke and unable to contribute to our last week’s grocery shop. And his furlough money is reducing.

He accuses me of patronising him when I offer to get him to think of ways to resolve his issues and says he’ll deal with it himself…of course, he doesn’t though!

I just feel like I’m dealing with an overgrown spoilt child that thinks he deserves want he wants despite having a fairly low income job. I already had three kids, I didn’t sign up for another and I’m so tired having to be the only sensible responsible boring one, who in his words is ‘no fun and just wants to watch tv’. This is a result of his idea of fun involves alcohol and when mixed with socialising, he embarrasses me – I don’t want to feel this way. Also, last week my 20 yr old son told me he’d really like to have dinner with his girlfriend and her parents but he didn’t want to invite my partner, so he might ask his grandparents instead – I am so upset about this!

Thank you for the advice and link, I will have a look – sorry for further rant ????

[willp]

He has pushed you to the absolute limit. I feel so sorry for you because you are being so understanding of his problem despite his unbearable, selfish and childish behaviour. You have to look after yourself. I’m certain you don’t want this man to come between you and your lovely children. He needs the inspiration for sobriety. Either that, or he needs to be prepared to go through the slog of quitting. I wonder really if he is anywhere near to addressing this. As I say, a counter-intuitive approach may be a possible way forward.

[hattie22]

Thank you. I’m a relatively intelligent person but when I try to discuss things with him, he has a knack of bamboozling me and making me out to be the villain and responds with passive aggressive statements… “I’ll give up golf, I’ll give up drinking, I’ll stop eating lunch, I’ll give up vaping etc because that’s what you want me to do” Of course, there is no meaning behind these statements, they are just to guilt me and he acts the martyr! He also very good at bouncing back from these conflicts and I am not, within hours, he can be acting as if nothing happened and I’m left still fuming from the things he said.

I’ve looked at the link you suggested and it looks interesting…I have bought him self-help books before, which he agrees to read but never does. I think this is where he is successful. He’ll often back down and agree to be proactive but doesn’t see things through.

Incidentally, I’m very lucky that my 20 year old is pretty level headed, he understands and empathises with my relationship – he knows I will always put him and his siblings first and I cannot just walk away from the relationship – at 20, he is far more mature than my partner!

Thanks again for reply.

[willp]

Your 20 year-old sounds a wonderful young man.

Good luck. You’re never alone.

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