[lavender3250]

Hi Guys,

I’m currently in tears and so overwhelmed. I don’t know much about cocaine or any drug in general. I just found out few months ago that my boyfriend has been regularly using cocaine for the past 4 years and I had no idea. I’ve only known him for about a year. I found out because of the blue, he started distancing himself and disappearing for days at a time and sometimes up to a week. I literally thought something happened to him or that he was dead. But after asking his family, they said he was fine. Long story short, I asked around and his work boss told me that your boyfriend is on cocaine and very often goes missing from work too. I have confronted my boyfriend about this and asked him to get him but he said that he can stop anytime on his own without any help. Is this true? Is it possible to overcome cocaine addiction suddenly without any help especially after 4 use of regular use? Also he said that he went to see his family doctor and he prescribed him Valium to help with the withdrawals. <span style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000; font-size: 17px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>Now I’m no doctor or professional, but why would a doctor prescribe another addictive medication as a treatment for cocaine addiction? I have a feeling he lied to the doctor to get the Valium because the coke keeps him up all night but I honestly don’t know if my suspicions are right because I’ve never been around that stuff and I don’t know much about them. He also said he’s being seeing a psychologist once a fortnight and has only had 2 sessions and already feels great. How is that possible for him to get better, clean and sober that quick? I’m just in shock as the moment he relapsed, he turned from the most lovable person into a selfish jerk monster and I have already caught him cheating on me.</span><span style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000; font-size: 17px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”> </span>

[SoberSW28]

I am an addict and I have always been an addict. It is impossible to stop  on your own with no support. Many people can do a couple of weeks but will use again and usually very badly. An addict needs to want to stop. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says to them. They will not stop using until they are ready. If your boyfriend can’t admit that he has a problem, then he probably doesn’t want to stop. You have a choice…protect yourself and walk away or stick around for the addiction to get worse and ruin the man that you love. It is also worth remembering that your boyfriend is ill. He needs help and spiritual guidance. It is not your responsibility to provide this, but you can support him. He won’t stop until he is ready. Good luck! I hope he finds help and you can both be happy together.

[lavender3250]

Thank you so much for your reply it definitely helps me and assures me that I’m not crazy. May I ask if you know whether it’s common or normal for a family doctor GP to prescribe Valium for cocaine addiction and withdrawal? Why would a doctor prescribe another highly addictive medication for cocaine witndrawal /addiction? He hasn’t not been to any rehab or treatment meetings whatsoever. It was simply prescribed to him by the family doctor.

He said he went to 2 sessions with a psychologist but I think that’s bullshit and is just saying that to me so I can get off his case.

[paw_x]

Hi Lavender,

I would probably question why his first port of call was the doctor to get more drugs and not CA meetings which are the tried and tested method for recovery from cocaine. Also, coke users often use Valium to help them sleep, so there might be another motivation for wanting this. I would definitely be cautious about what he’s up to there.

Please put yourself first in all of this. I can guarantee that he won’t right now, so you have to. You can’t control an addicts actions and you can’t make him recover, he has to do that for himself. He should be at CA meetings and form bonds with others in recovery. That should be his focus. If you put your all into standing by his side, you could make yourself ill if he relapses and it can drive you insane. For me, I had to take a huge step away from my partner to keep myself sane. He lives with his mum and dad now and will continue to do so. I did try annd stay by his side – he was secretly using for the whole year when I did. It was only when I kicked him out and let him hit rock bottom that he started to really change. I had to let him go for the sake of my own life, my sanity, my job.

There is no guarantee he will recover, as many don’t, much as they might try. He has to do this on his own and you need to protect your own life. Look after yourself x

[lavender3250]

He does admit he has a problem but he says it’s easy to stop and can do it by himself. He got prescribed Valium by his GP and said he went to 2 psychologist sessions and now he’s magically clean and sober. He attends gym now and keeps busy. Where as before he used to disappear for days and ignore my calls and messages for up to a week. Is it possible for him to get clean from cocaine that quick and that easy? Is valium and 2 psychologist sessions all it takes? I’m no expert but it seems to good to be true for some reason. Your opinion would be so helpful. I just want to know if I’m crazy or overthinking or is he really clean?

[lavender3250]

Basically, what I want to know is, is will power on its own enough to stop using? Combined with Valium prescription and 2 sessions with a psychologist? Since when is Valium a treatment to overcome cocaine addiction? Or am I missing something here.

[paw_x]

Hi Lavender,

I think any GP would have told him to get to CA first and foremost. My partner did get prescribed Valium as part of his recovery mental health treatment, but he had attempted suicide and had a complex mental health history, so I don’t know if this is done regularly? I disagreed with it with my partner as I think it’s mental to prescribe an addictive drug to an addict!

My partner has recovered before and now that he’s going through recovery again, in a very different way, engaging properly with CA every day, and having a sponsor etc, he’s said he’s realised he didn’t really recover before by just getting clean. He was still in that mindset, attracted to the wrong set of people as friends, and it was too easy for him to fall back into it when the opportunity presented itself. They need to learn recovery. I’d probably be very wary that he thinks he can easily stop and start something that was causing him to go missing for weeks, to miss his work, to sacrifice his loved ones? Without really addressing the problem, and understanding why he was doing what he did and the methods to stop it, can he recover for life or just for short periods at a time? Im still trying to learn about all of this myself but it sounds like he’s downplaying the control it must have had on him.

I hope you’re taking care of yourself through all of this x

[lavender3250]

Thank you so much for your reply. My boyfriend does not have a complex mental health history or suicide attempts. He only had anxiety and depression which are clearly from the cocaine use. So I’m abit shocked on why the GP would prescribe him Valium, another addictive drug to overcome the cocaine withdrawal. Do you think something is odd here or is it just me? I have a feeling he lied to the GP and didn’t mention the drug use at all. What do you think? There was no mention of CA or rehab. Only 2 sessions with a psychologist which again I don’t even if that’s true or he made that up.

[paw_x]

I think it does sound odd. It reminds me of late last year, when I thought my partner was clean having had a “slip” he told me was under control in June, he went to doctors for something and came home with an anxiety medication claiming he had no idea why the doctor had gave him it. Looking back he must have been sitting there rattling while coked up and she’s mistook it for anxiety and nerves! I found out a month later he’d been hiding his growing addiction from me and had blown thousands we had in savings to floor our new house.

Addicts learn to become very good liars and they are very manipulative, so it’s hard to know what to believe. I started to tell myself I was just paranoid when I should have listened to my gut all along. It’s so hard to know what to do as maybe he has managed to do it on his own, but trust your instincts x

[m]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>I honestly think maybe he hasn’t mentioned the drugs and told the doctor he has insomnia and is stressed out or something.

</p>
just my perspective but who knows

 

xx

[lavender3250]

Do you know anyone that has been able to stop on their own without professional help?

I mean him disappearing for days and ignoring my calls and messages for up to a week, is that a sign of heavy use?

[m]

I know a few people who stopped on their own over the years but this has been rare in my experience but not impossible.

the disappearing is a sign of heavy use. My partner does this sometimes on a big binge, it’s so distressing when this happens isn’t it xx

but really I think they want to be left alone with their drugs and not have us killing their buzz and then are too paranoid and a mess to face us it seems but it is completely selfish and feels cruel and makes the whole situation worse.

im tired of it all

xx

[paw_x]

I agree with M… the disappearing is a sign of heavy use but also if you disappear, you can do what you like without judgement from who you’re with. My man was always nipping out, be it to the shop, popping in to see someone, always an excuse to get out, when he was probably parked up somewhere taking cocaine alone. It’s a miserable existence for him as well as you, but the difference is he can fix it, but you can’t.

I re-read your post there and seen you’ve only been with him for a year and it doesn’t sound like it’s been the happiest year? I know there’s a lot of ladies on here who wish we could turn back the clock and run when we weren’t long into our relationships before committing to this life. Obviously what you do is up to you, but unless there’s something really special there worth saving, this might be a lot of stress you could do without x

[m]

Paw, you’ve been through so much, very strong indeed.

can I ask was your husband’s paranoia bad when using also what was his mental health issue? I remember we spoke on a different thread before

I’m currently dealing with my partner in serious paranoia. Has been pretty much non stop for 3 weeks.
I can’t cope anymore with the false accusations. I’ve never cheated. I feel completely terrorised.

I’ve blocked him this evening as was getting too much. We live together but he’s not here right now

i feel like my life is being crippled at present

xx

[paw_x]

Hi M,

I think mines has suffered his own paranoia but he’s not redirected this at me and accused me of anything. Honestly if there was anything like that, I would have done a runner as this is hard enough to go through! He’s not been abusive like a lot of ladies on these forums have been through but if he had I wouldn’t be on here, I would be gone and wouldn’t have looked back.

He has told me before that in his head he always thinks I’m too good for him and will leave him, that addict thing that then justifies them continuing to use and do what they like as what’s the point in trying, she’ll leave me anyway etc. They have to point fault at you to take away from their own faults.

It sounds like you’re going through a living hell and maybe him living there isn’t what’s best for you? Is he still using I take it?

I hope you’re making time for you and even taking wee steps to take your life back x

[Nicole jones]

Hi  I’ve replied to you on my forum but don’t know why it’s so skinny lol but yes the paranoia is awful, my husband picked holes out if all our walls thinking I had cameras on him  he said I was filming him and making money from you tube, he went through my jewellery and bits of earrings he was saying was a camera, he also accused me of cheating on him with his cousin who’s also an alcoholic and I just couldn’t reason with him, he’d follow me to work and just make out he was going that way, he’s in recovery now and we speak about all what him did as the list is endless and at that time it was very real to him  faces in the carpet and he’d stab it with knifes I had holes in my brand new sofa that he put knifes through, when my dad passed he left me and my sisters so pocket money as my dad called it, it was 2000 pounds and my husband Stole it and said it was money made from me filming him even though he saw my mum give it to me but he thought everyone was in on it! I did get the money back but it wasn’t the same as it wasn’t my dads money what he’d saved for me while dying with cancer, but the paranoia and psychosis was that bad social services got involved and we wasn’t allowed to stay at home with the children it’s was just awful.

Like I’ve said he’s in recovery and has a really good mind set at the moment but his bomb shell he dropped on us 6 weeks ago about his affair 5 years ago and this 5 year old child that he sees everyweek is now just another heartache and battle coz he’s trying to do the right thing but I just feel that’s not by us, his wife of 30 years and his 3 children, I’m truly heartbroken ???? I don’t feel he’s trying with us as he says he’s trying to find himself again but how is that fair on us, the ones who have been through absolutely everything, I’ve tryed to get help for my own mental health but waiting list is 12 months!! I need help now ????

Sorry to rant on but why is this still soooooo flipping hard ????

[m]

Hi paw,

yeah he’s still taking it. Has been non stop for 4 weeks and last night was icing on cake harassing me while at a school prom to say goodbyes to the school leavers I’ve supported at the school I work in.

he thought I had a plan to hook up with a member of staff their and had even invited himself along which I explained wasn’t possible! Obviously lol

i was a wreck, stayed an hour and came home. Which I had only planned to do anyway.

He was accusing me of turning up there drunk, I barely drink.

he FaceTimed me and I could see he was the one off his head!!!

he was calling me awful names which he has only ever done once.
the worst thing is I hardly ever go out and the times I do this is the type of reaction and to be honest sometimes sober too due to his abandonment issues but not as over the top

All of his sorrys and begging he did before he found out I was popping out now mean nothing. He was promising to go back to meetings and saying how badly he’s messed up this Time. Had also been missing for a few days until a few days ago but I haven’t had him back.

I actually came home and burst in to tears to my 20 year old daughter and showed her the messages which I’ve never done before I think a part of me knew she would take control, which I feel selfish for now. She grabbed my phone and blocked him. She sent him an angry message and then she blocked him too.

the way I felt yesterday and I’m feeling today I’m just sickened by what this drug does to people. I don’t recognise him.

Even if he starts meetings again I really don’t know if I can get over this feeling.

xxx

[paw_x]

Oh M I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. I know it’s hard but definitely keep some distance between the two of you. It’s not fair at all you’re dealing with abuse like that, and addict or not, what he’s doing is controlling abuse and you don’t deserve to put up with it.

I have a 16 year old and like you I sometimes vent to her about what’s happening and then feel guilty that I shouldn’t worry her with things like this. But don’t feel selfish. You’re in a horrendous situation and if you don’t speak to those you love and trust, you’ll crack up!

I’ve struggled the last while with the idea that I can’t picture myself getting over this again and moving on with our lives together. But maybe the one day at a time rule applies to us too. No point stressing about the future and just try to make it through each day. I don’t stress about him recovering anymore, that’s his job, it’s not mine. Taking that pressure away helped me a little. I see him for walks and dinners and we message but that’s the limit for now. He’s doing well but I need that distance for my own sake and I won’t apologise for being selfish after what he’s done.

Your husband sounds like he’s got a good bit to go with recovery but please know this is not your fight, it’s his. There’s help out there for him, he has these choices. You deserve peace. It hurts so much to walk away but sometimes they leave us no choice. And it doesn’t mean it’s the end, just sometimes it’s healthier for him to focus on his fight alone and you might want to repair yourself alone.

I hope things get better for you x

[m]

Thanks paw, I can tell you have a really good strong mindset which is the only one you can have in this situation or you will drown it in and yes you are right this is his fight and he knows exactly what support is out there and where to go.

I won’t live another moment in this hell. My life feels crippled at the minute. It’s bad enough him doing what he’s doing without him stopping me from doing anything positive.

Before this month he was still getting on it every 3/4 days which was Annoying but it wasn’t in anyway this bad and had done my garden up as a surprise and taken me away on a nice break away non stop looking for work. Was semi functional. But looking back I should have put my foot right down as soon as he lost his job a few months back

I sent him a message this eve saying not to talk to me unless he’s in treatment and if he doesn’t want to get help that’s also ok.

Problem is all his stuff here and he has some things in my name and debts that need sorting asap.

xx

 

[Author]

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