[JamesB]

Hi Guys, its been a while.

I used to post on here regularly and tried my best to offer some sort of insight into at least what addiction was like for me im the hope that it may be useful to others who are going through the battles I faced or are the loved one of some one who is.

If you look my username up jamesb im sure you will find all my old posts.

 

Ive wanted to get back on here for a while but havent felt it was quite right as ive had my own struggles and demons to face. That being said, ive always found helping others helps me keep myself on the straight and narrow so here I am.

 

Feel free to ask me anything you may wish to and ill try my best to answer helpfully if I can.

 

Take care

Stay strong

James x

[roo1992]

Hi James

So sorry to hear yo have been having struggles recently , i hope ypu are well , I used to read your posts im sure.

I feel like i need to get things of my chest and have decided to come back on here , as i dont know where to turn really so i apologise for this long message 🙁

So i came on here about 5 years ago with the same issue my partner was getting bad on cocaine he had been on it for years , i decided to stay but we split up on the 1st of Jan this year after i found out he had been cheating on me with a 22 year old girl who has two young childresn hes 40 , our relationship broke down because of the cocaine use was completely out of control to the point i made him stay on the sofa as he would just sit up all night scrolling and gambling his money , i had known him 14 years we went through some good times where he would stop for a few months went on nice holidays and he was such a lovely person at times but with the amount he was drinking and taking cocaine it was unbearable in the end he would go to the local pub and just not come home sometimes. When i found about the girl i was totally shocked since we spit on a few occaions he turned up at my home when he was drunk out of his nut first occasion he come saying he didnt know what he was doing hes so messed up trying to kiss and cuddle me and then got angry and said urrgggh you threw me out and he left when i followed him he went back to girls house who had been cheating with this really messed with my head , he then came back on two more occaions one with a hammer thinking i had another man in my home came in and tried to tell me he wasnt with this girl but he clearly was , he got in my bed refused to leave in the morning he smashed my whole home up neighbours got involved and called the police , he was put on bail for a month so we had no contact for a whole month and i was doing just fine. But after that his friend said that he had my phone and wanted to give it back so i messaged saying someone else could collect it and left it like that , he then asked if i would go away with him for the weekend so i sent the messages straight to the new girl he is seeing. He got angry about this and kicked of , he then started to come into the pub and would send me over drinks and try and pass me money under the trable and ask to walk me home i stupidly made a drunk mistake one night and went home with him. He said he loved me but i had trown him out didnt give him any attention and made him sleep on the sofa – which i did but because of his addictions , time went on and he became reall;y nasty saying horrible things he was thinking that i was seeing someone from the pub got paranoid even though i wasnt and he was that one that had cheated with this girl and still with her but told all the blokes that he wasnt with her so messed up. I ended up messaging the girl saying he had been with me and going in the pub giving me money buying me drinks giving me lifts home and she went on to say he had broken her fingers and dragged her out of the bed and threw wine over her while her child was laying next to her accusing her and going through her phone. He got so so angry because i spoke to the girl that he took drugs and drink all weekend come to my home at 3am saying i was in my flat with someone he made me video call him for me to show him round my flat but he still thought someone was there , he slashed my tyres on the car , the next day he was looking round all the pubs for me thinking i was with someone accused some bloke in the pub compleatley showed himself up walking around with something strapped to his hand. After all that he ended back up seeing this girl and has told everyone he has compleatley come off all drugs drink and even stopped smoking its been 2 weeks since this happened i havent heard any more since.

But basically i just cant beleive this has all gone on and just want to know is this normal for coke users to do this i wonder did he really want this girl or did he line her up because i told him he needed to find somewhere else because of the drugs its compleatley wrecked my mind, and would he be able to come off everything on his own like that i know its never lasted in the 14 years ive known him. He has shown me up to the whole of the area where i live telling everyone that he had been with her and still had me aswell how disrespectful i cant beleive i am even writing all of this it sounds crazy. But surely you still know what you are doing on coke or does it get this bad , he did this on my doorstep the girl lives just round the corner everyone said she is a bit of an old goer and hasnt got a good name for herself. I just cant believe it and to take on two kids he  asked me to have kids before but i just wouldnt do it because i know he wasnt capable and has had two on the past with other relationships and they have stopped him seeing them.

Will he ever change or will this be a life battle , its so hard because  we live in the same area and i have to see him all the time

So sorry for the long message i just needed to get it out !

Thanks for reading if you get to the end 🙂

[Florence575]

Hi James,

 

I read many of your posts. how are you doing now? Is life treating you well, are you treating yourself well?

[Florence575]

roo1992,

 

Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will come on soon and help answer your question.  I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this.  My advice would be to only look forwards now and be relieved this awful drama has left you life.  Please don’t waste any more of your precious life on someone so violent and cruel.  You know you deserve better.  As for feeling ashamed that it’s happened in your neighbourhood, the shame is not yours and people will soon find something else to gossip about anyway, as is their way.

[jamesb]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Roo, I hope youre alright mate. Im so sorry its taken so long for me to get back to you.</p>
Reading everything you have been through there is alot to unpack. Please forgive me its been a while since ive been on here replying to someone so I guess ill start how I used to by saying, im by no means a professional but I have lived through active addiction and have experienced the destruction it brings with it. Anything I say will only be based on my experiences and opinions.

 

Where to start… in all honesty this doesnt sound so much like a drug addiction problem, although it clearly has contributed to the problems but ultimately, the man you have described above really has not treated you in a way that you deserve. I will be the first to defend anyone suffering with addiction, but it can not be used as an excuse to mistreat people.

To answer your question, does cocaine make people act this way? Yes. The paranoid behaviours are very common with cocaine abuse, however I would also suggest maybe a guilty conscious plays a part. Because he has been with the other girl he would be paranoid you would be doing the same with a man. Slashing your tyres is completely inexcusable regardless of his addiction.

The back and forth, with him, the trying to by you drinks etc and offer you money sounds more like controlling behaviour thay he still wants to belive you are his and im sorry to say that if you allow this to continue he will belive its working.

What’s hard for me is to give you advise on what to do next because I’m not qualified to do so but also I have to take into consideration what you want but if im honest, I would say. You should distance yourself from him, focus on yourself and hopefully find a man who will respect you and treat you the way you should be treated. I understand though aswell that he sounds like the type that would not just accept that and leave you to move on with your life.

If you love him and truly do want a future with him. The first thing you need to do is establish boundaries. The cheating obviously can not continue and you will need to work out with him how you can rebuild the trust.

Secondly the addiction part, anyone suffering with active addiction will need support when becoming sober. You will need to be able to communicate with each other honestly about how you are both feeling and work through it together. Going to the pub etc will need to stop but this may also help you both find new things to do together with him sober that could ultimately rebuild your bond. Things as simple as going for a long walk somewhere nice on a sunday afternoon or cooking together each evening.

 

Im hope some of that helps and please reply if you want any more specific things to talk about.

I really do hope youre okay, please look after yourself and always remember thay you deserve nothing less than love and respect.

 

Sending love

Stay safe

James x

 
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