[danman83]

So the last month has probably been the worst in my life. I relapsed about a month ago after 4 month clean. It started because I was in agony with pain in my shoulders and I started taking pain killers which were making me happy. Taking them more than I should. I’ve stopped now. But I think this led to me relapsing. I went out all night. Came home had a big argument with my gf and I was horrible and calling her every name under the sun.

She packed my bags and kicked me out after 12 years. I’m now living in shared accom, untill I get a flat. My mum said I can go hers but I don’t get on with my dad. It’s all my fault. This stuff ruins life’s and family’s. It’s turned me into something I am not. I’ve lost my sponsor now and I’m looking for a new one. But we are still good mates, and I am going to my 1st face to face meeting today as I need to beat this so much.

I was just going to avoid coming on here, I let alot of people down, mainly myself. My kids seen me in the madness and I have to live with this all my life now. But this site helps me and I need to beat this addiction, disease. So I’m back and I’m not going to give up.

[lilgunner]

Morning Danman83,

Please stay strong and keep fighting, addiction is so cruel and unkind, don’t be hard on yourself. 4 months clean is bloody amazing and you should be so proud of yourself. Please give it a go again. I wish I could hug you through a screen.

Your words on this forum over the last few months have given me hope and comfort for a very good friend of mine. I wish he could go 4 months clean, that’s 4 months of knowing he is doing well.

Cocaine is so cruel on the mind, not just for the user but friends and family too. It leaves me second questioning my friends intentions. I’m never going to give up on him, even if he tells me to block him and walk away like others have.

It might be best to live a alone for a while, the challenges on every day life can be hard on people’s sobriety, but don’t lose your suport network. Your family and friends love you deeply, as you do them.

Please stay positive and don’t let this beat you! X

[danman83]

Thank you so much for that. My mum and my 18 year old son was even saying get to the meeting, dad it will make you better ect.. Breaks me to know my son knows this, even though some of his mates do it. But I should lead by example.

To be honest it was a toxic relationship anyway. And not just me. I felt like it was me doing everything. I feel a bit happier now and stress free. I’m back on the programme and feeling good and. Meditating. Thanks so much for your kind words x

[danman83]

You must have a heart of gold not giving up on your friend. It’s so hard to stop when it’s everywhere. Even doctors are on the meetings who are addicted to it. There is a big crisis in UK with it.

How is your friend? Does he want to quit and getting help?

[lilgunner]

Hi Dan,

Glad to hear you’re back working a programme and feeling less stressed.

Take comfort in knowing you’ve come a long way, you acknowledge your problems which is hard for most people.

Get to that meeting!

I’ve lost so many family at the hands of addiction, addiction is so cruel. My dad, grandad, 2 uncles and last year my sister-in-law, she overdosed on cocaine. I have another uncle who also has a drink problem. I don’t want to hear of another person who has lost their battle to drink and drugs!

My mate, he’s ok at the moment. He’s currently having therapy and I’ve notice significant improvements but he’s still using, on average now once a week/fortnightly. He was spiraling out of control, using a couple times of week. He’s still in denial and it’s as though he’s still waiting excuses to use just not much, he’s been using for over 5 years now.

It’s hard communicating with him, but recently I decided not to communicate no more with him via WhatsApp as I believe this to be one of his triggers along with other concerning matters.

It’s hard to understand what goes on in his head, he doesn’t fully open up and I think he’s scared too. There’s been times I’ve reacted negatively towards him out of frustration, however I’m learning now not to react. He shouldn’t be my concern but I’m one of these people I can’t just give up. Sounds silly, but if he knows I’m still around if he ever finds himself rock bottom or in need of genuine help I’ve not completely turned on him.

I can’t wait to hear the day when he’s been 6 weeks sober and still going strong. I hope that day comes sooner rather than later.

[debc]

Hi LilGunner,

You sound a wonderful friend to your mate, they do need lots of support and to know you are there for him will help him enormously.

Take care

Dx

[danman83]

So sorry to hear about your family members, it must be heartbreaking.

Can I ask how your sister in law overdosed on cocaine? Such a shame and I have kids and can’t afford anything bad happen to me.

I hope your mate pulls through. It grips people differently and some people just say. Say no to it.. And it’s not as easy as that. But ye I hope he pulls through. Is he on the meetings?

If he really wants to stop he will get there. Tell him get to the meetings if he does not do them. They help me so much. And I’ve made great mates

[kate1]

I’m trying to understand what goes on in their heads. My son committed suicide recently he’s been a heavy cocaine user for some years. I found him and am absolutely broken. I know he was at the point where he was or could have lost everything but I think a girl he met just pushed him over the edge I may never know and that’s hard

[debc]

Hi Danman83,

Please don’t beat yourself up about relapsing, you have helped so many people on here and we are all supporting you and your journey.

Take time for yourself now, you know what you need to do and you have done it. My Son tells me that it is harder to get yourself going again after a relapse, but be strong and positive.

I hope you can get back on good terms with your girlfriend and family. I understand her anger and probably disappointment but we have to realise that addiction is an illness and needs supporting.

I had wondered where you were and have been thinking of you.

Good luck today with your face to face meeting.

Keep in touch on here, you have helped us and we are here to help you.

Take care.

Dx

[danman83]

It is hard because it’s still in your system and wants more. I feel like I just finished a jigsaw puzzle and I’ve just mixed it all up again and have to start again, and piece it all up again. But I’m feeling happy today. I needed to connect more with ex addicts and my sponsor and I never. But I am now. It the fear of phoning people and being shy but I’m doing it now and sharing a lot more in meetings.

So I’m feeling positive now.

I know I just couldn’t face it on here after relapsing. But something clicked this morning and told me to go back on and share my story. It’s part of recovery I guess. I’m not proud of what I did and what I said to my ex. It’s a long story so can’t really explain on here. But ye.. It was my fault. Cocaine turned me into a nasty person that night. Because also I had not used for 4month. It was a lot worse the effects. I just have to dust my self off and start again and not give up. Thanks so much deb x

[debc]

Hi Danman83,

Keep that positivity going, be strong and always know there is someone to talk too.

One day at a time, you got this ????

Take care

Dx

[kate1]

I hope you get free of this, we have spoken before about my son who was addicted to cocaine. He was doing ok, I chose support rather than tough love and I still think it was the right way to go.. he had 2 months clean then got drawn back in by a girl. He appeared really ill with it. She got him on steroids and alcohol as well. He hung himself 7 weeks ago. I am broken. I can’t get my head round it. Has it ever made you feel that bad, maybe you can help me understand what his head would have been like. I hope hearing this gives you some encouragement to stop, don’t let your mum end up how I am. Lots of love x

[danman83]

Kate i am so sorry for your loss, I can’t believe you have had to go through this. No mother should see this happen. I hope you are getting enough support off family❤️❤️.

You did make the right decision Kate in support because if it was tough love and this happend you would never of forgiven your self. Because that’s how parents think on tough decisions. But u made the right decision and was there for him as a mother should be.

When the coke is wearing off that’s when the depression kicks in and suicidal thoughts. I’m not gonna lie it’s not nice you just feel really down, and there is no ill feelings towards parents or anything so plz don’t think for a minute he will be thinking this. It’s just feelings of sick of everything but it’s multiplied because of the coke.

I don’t know if you know how it works but I’ll explain. So your brain produces dopamine, these are they happy thoughts, we have them when we go swimming, or talk to friends, or something fun.. But when we use coke it literally uses them all up, hence the big rush of feeling good. But when the coke has gone, your brain needs to produce more dopamine but can take a few days… So this is when u come crashing down and everything is just negative. That’s the best way I can describe it.

I don’t know his situation, but he might of been on a bad come down and done this. But I don’t know the full situation. My friend did the same back in May. It ruins people’s life’s this stuff. I was gutted to hear about him.

Quite a few people I know have this year sadly passed away from coke this year.

Also the steroids would not of helped they mess with your emotions so much and would of contributed to this. It will help me so much this what you have told me, and I will pass this message on. Try and stay here as well and share your story as well you will help so many parents and addicts in your situation Kate. But that’s up to you. There is a good book I read, called.. Mum can you lend me 20quid.. A woman lost her son through heroin and its about that and coming to terms. She does alot of charity work now aswell.

Also Kate I just want to say, as parents we think is it our fault? Could I have done something different? I don’t know what you are thinking. But you did the best you could. When this drug gets you it’s hard to get out of, and the people we associate it with.

My mum checks on me every day because she is worried. So I’ll cherish my moments more now.

I am always here Kate if you want to talk, I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I’m sure he is still with you looking out for you ❤️stay strong❤️ xxx

[kate1]

Thank you so much. Please take our story on board when you next want to use. My son had just about lost everything. I got him free of it for a couple of months then he met this really toxic girl. He seemed to fall fast she got him drinking taking steroids and he was doing loads of coke. She was abusive psychologically to him tried to isolate him. I think it was just to much. I plan to work towards helping others in his memory. Thank god I didn’t do tough love. I would never have forgiven myself. I know he is with me he has given me signs bless him. I will do the best I can in his memory. I plan to stay on here like you suggest and hopefully be some help. Stay strong enjoy your daughter my son left his two year old little girl behind. She can’t work out where her daddy is x

[esta]

Dan

You have helped me so much

Sad you have relapsed

[danman83]

Thank you ???? just your support and kind words are enough ❤️

[esta]

So how’s it going my friend ?

What’s been happening?

[danman83]

Hey esta.. Well I relapsed after 4 month, I said some horrible things. My gf kicked me out, and now I’m in shared accom saving up. I’m down for a council house and should get one soon. Guess this is my rock bottom and I deserve it. But I’m back on the programme, 5 weeks clean. And it’s all going well. Thanks esta

[lindyloo]

Hi Dan, I’m gutted for you, but I totally agree with Debc, please don’t beat yourself up about it!

We all know that with people in recovery, every day is a battle.

I told you how well my son was doing…almost 6 months clean, sponsor, 12 steps done, mentoring starting….then , he had a date, thought he could handle a few drinks…and you know the rest!

Relapses are part of the recovery process Dan. I understand how you are feeling just now, my son was the same, no one was more disappointed than himself.

But he got a fright after the last bout of drinking, so after he’d sobered up and rested, he’s trying hard again and is doing well atm. While he’s trying hard, it makes it easier for me to support him.

As Debc says, take each hour, each day at a time and do whatever you have to do to get back to where you were. No one judges you here, we’re all proud of you and the way you support the forum.

Enjoy the nice sunny weekend and stay positive, your family will come round when they know you’re trying.

Stay strong, keep the faith

I’ll keep you in my prayers ????

Sending hugs ❤️

Lx

[danman83]

Thanks Linda. I’m glad he’s doing well. I’m just devastated after being 4 month, then messing up over a spilt decision, and losing my gf and kids, but I’ve took them Heaton Park today and had so much fun. I’m feeling really good today then going for that meeting, and my old sponsor from a few week ago me and him are going for something to eat. He’s still looking out for me each day.

This programme gives you people that care about you so much and I wouldn’t want anything else. People genuinely care a bout you. Even more than my mates. I need to stick to this and not give up. That’s why I had to come back on here as well. As this gives me a lot of strength In recovery. Thank you so much ❤️ have u anything planned this weekend?

[lindyloo]

Hi Dan, it sounds like you’re getting back on track which is good to hear. I think you have to really , as this is your future, you’re a young man with good future ahead of you and ultimately the choices are all down to you.

The difference this time is that you have all these strategies in place, you know, where to go, who to speak to and what to do.

The fellowship guys and people in recovery are so supportive, you’ll be just fine, you’ll get your mojo back again soon.

Lovely sunny weekend, just doing mumsy stuff, planting shrubs for the summer and some cooking.

Saw my son earlier, so I’m happy he’s doing okay.

Stay in touch here Dan,

Stay strong

Lx

[danman83]

Thanks Linda, I did my 1st face to face meeting, it was horrible lol I didn’t speak. Everyone is hugging each other ect.. And I just freeze at things like this and feel awkward. It was really close up and I have never done out like this before. I’ll be honest driving home I felt like using and giving up, thinking I can’t do them each week. But I’m OK now I did some prayers and I’m OK now. And I’ll just go back next week. I have to, or I’ll go back in the madness and I don’t want that.

My mum is constantly worried and I get texts every morning and every hour lol. I feel awful for what I’ve done and how worried she is. So I know as a mother I can see how much it worrys you, from seeing my mum. No mother should see there children struggle like this.

Thats good have a nice relaxing weekend ????????????

I’m glad your son is well, if he’s well then so you will be????

Thanks again ❤️

[lilgunner]

Hey Dan,

My sister-in-law was found dead on her own in her flat. She probably just didn’t stop, took too much and unfortunately didn’t make it. The coroners report just said overdose – cocaine.

My mate is doing better in the sense he isn’t using as much, but then I think he’s in denial.

He started a new job not long ago, so he’s on his better behaviour. Seems to me when work becomes suspicious of his behaviour he doesn’t address the issue of his addiction, rather he thinks he has it under control. It’s the things he does that so concerning to me when he’s using. I really feel I want to talk to someone about the things he does on drugs as I’m scared he will get into so much trouble.

He says when he’s high most of the stuff he says is bull, and he usually can not remember the things he’s said an done.

[lilgunner]

Hey Dan,

My sister-in-law was found dead on her own in her flat. She probably just didn’t stop, took too much and unfortunately didn’t make it. The coroners report just said overdose – cocaine.

My mate is doing better in the sense he isn’t using as much, but then I think he’s in denial.

He started a new job not long ago, so he’s on his better behaviour. Seems to me when work becomes suspicious of his behaviour he doesn’t address the issue of his addiction, rather he thinks he has it under control. It’s the things he does that so concerning to me when he’s using. I really feel I want to talk to someone about the things he does on drugs as I’m scared he will get into so much trouble.

He says when he’s high most of the stuff he says is bull, and he usually can not remember the things he’s said an done.

[danman83]

Bloody hell what a shame. So sorry..????❤️

You never have it under control it controls you and makes you think you do.

What stuff are we talking about? Or can u not say. Believe me Ive heard it all and no what it does. Is anything to do with sexual stuff? U don’t need to answer if u don’t want to

[lilgunner]

Hey Dan,

Basically, he gets on cocaine, sits in his own for upto 18 hours on one, talking to women off of POF taking them on to whatsapp and talking utter filth. He circulates images of women to other women, almost like look who else I’m talking to, trying to get a rise out of women. He’s obsessed with womens boobs and his fantasies are just ott, he will land himself in hotwater.

The only reason why I don’t take offence anymore is that I know it’s all part of his addiction, it goes hand in hand.

The only thing I struggle to get my head around, he says when he’s on one he has no filter, which is probably part of the buzz for him. Then the next day or so when he is not using he says it’s not him, the drugs turn him in to a monster, which is all well and good but why keep repeating the same cycle knowing the outcome of his behaviour.

[danman83]

I could go on all day about this subject but I can’t say on here, as some one I know might see. If you ever want my email I can explain more. But that’s entirely up to you.

But cocaine turns you into a bit of a sex pest. I’m not gonna lie to you. That bit we’re he sends pics of women to other women is strange.

It’s a seedy drug, it’s made me cheat. I’ve never cheated on previous partners when I was never on coke. A hell of a lot of coke uses, men… Use escorts, go on seedy dating sites, cheat left right and centre. But the thing is, nothing really happens in the end because it makes you small and not able to perform.

It’s like a thrill seeker drug, you want to be taking things to the extreme, and a risk taker. It ruins family’s, it turns you into something that you are not. A vile cheating horrible person. Then like you say the next day.. Regret and remorse kick in.. Why did I do that.. Why did I say that.

And soba.. Would we do it?? No.

Alot of guys can just watch porn on it all night, and I’ll be honest I’ve never been like that and that’s the truth.

In the meetings and the AA book, this is common and a big section on it.. We do the same thing every time and it’s the same outcome. We think using this time will be different.. I won’t do this or that. But again we do it. We call it being in the madness doing the same thing every time expecting different results and it doesn’t happen.

A big thing in the book and what we learn, and it took me a while to understand it and it makes sence. Is that some people have an allergy to alcohol and coke and drugs. We have an allergic reaction to it. We’re as you could have one drink may be 2, and say I’m going bed now I’m tired or I’m going home. We’re as me or someone else I’ll drink the house dry, even tho I’m not an alcoholic. Or some people can have one bag of coke and behave them selves. We’re as I will keep on getting more and more and act basically a nob and it effects me differently.

You might find this difficult to beleive.. I did aswell. But I can see now what it means.

[lilgunner]

Hi Dan,

How you just explained it then is my mate down to a T!

I’m not sure how to exchange emails on here. It would be good to learn more about the similar things he does as for myself I’m not niave to it, but if I can understand then I have coping mechanisms not to react, how best to talk to him because it always feels like we talk about drugs and the behaviour which leads to a full out. I don’t want to be that mate who nags, I want him to know I’m open to listening and not here to judge him. I.I not enabling him, I will not talk in any flirtatious manner whilst he is using, one of the big steps in recovery for those in a non committed relationship is to abstain from sexual activity that would trigger a relapse. There’s a few women he talks to who are aware of his addiction but are clueless and think they’re helping him by engaging. There feeding into his issues.

Dan, please mate stay off it work the steps and know there’s always someone you can talk. You’ve done so well. Like I say to my mate, use me, talk to me tell me how you feel, if he gets an urge tell me what it feels like and perhaps a chat will stop him.

[sunny77]

If be interested in hearing about this to as I think my other half is doing the same . He keeps deleting WhatsApp , then goes back on it the deletes it again . Very odd behaviour .

[danman83]

Thanks for that ❤️

He could be up to something then I could be wrong and and don’t want to be putting that in your head.

Does he not want to get any help?

[lindyloo]

Lilgunner,

So sorry to hear of your loss. This is my worst nightmare for my son.

I do hope that your friend gets the help and support he needs.

Look after yourself too, it’s tough supporting a person with addictions.

Take care ❤

Lx

[danman83]

A

[danman83]

A

[lilgunner]

I’ve popped something over to you!

Thanks Danman83.

[danman83]

A

[sunny77]

Hi Danman83,

I’m pretty new to this forum , but I’ve read your posts and how you have bravely helped others.

Don’t beat yourself up , the fact that you recovered enough to see the way cocaine had affected you mentally Is a breakthrough. My husband is now living in a van after me finally saying enough was enough . I’ve lived through the abuse you admitted to handing off and I’m afraid he’s still so far in that he can’t see it .

We are all here to spur you on , you have reclaimed your mind back and it’s strong enough now to fight back . You should be proud . Keep going we are all behind you .

[jamesb]

Alright bud, I hope you’re well man. I could write a long post but every thing I’d write you would already know.

All I’ll say to you, is what would you tell someone if they had posted they had a wobble after 4 months?

You’d tell them not give up and you’d remind them of how far they had come! It’s hard to take our own advice and it’s easy to be hard on ourselves but you have proven you can be strong so be proud of that, reset and go again.

You’ve been there for alot of people bro and those people will be there for you now.

No one said its going to be easy for any of us. And if anything I respect you even more for coming on here and being honest.

You got this man, we are all here for you.

This is a marathon not a sprint and there’s going to be setbacks but all that matters is we keep pushing right?

Hope you’re good and I’m looking forward to the post soon saying its been 1 month then 2 months etc.

Keep your head up buddy. You’re a good man x

[danman83]

Nice one James for this mate. And your right in everything you have just said.. I’m back on track now. And im planning some gorge walking in wales with some of the lads from recovery. This programme is helping me so much. And your right I can’t give up. Thanks so much mate, ❤️

[lindyloo]

Hi Dan, so pleased that you’re sounding positive and back on track!

Enjoy the great outdoors…my son did some open sea swimming with some of the fellowship guys..very bracing!

Stay strong,

Sending virtual hugs

Lx

[danman83]

Thanks Linda, I’m really looking forward to it. Don’t know about sea swimming though ???????? lol

Thanks aswell. Feeling a lot better now. Its weekends that’s my problem. But I just have to connect to people. Thanks x

[lindyloo]

Just be strong, you’ve got this Dan! You’ve done it before and you can do it again, have faith in yourself.

Take care ❤

Lx

[jamesb]

Alright bud, I hope you’re well man. I could write a long post but every thing I’d write you would already know.

All I’ll say to you, is what would you tell someone if they had posted they had a wobble after 4 months?

You’d tell them not give up and you’d remind them of how far they had come! It’s hard to take our own advice and it’s easy to be hard on ourselves but you have proven you can be strong so be proud of that, reset and go again.

You’ve been there for alot of people bro and those people will be there for you now.

No one said its going to be easy for any of us. And if anything I respect you even more for coming on here and being honest.

You got this man, we are all here for you.

This is a marathon not a sprint and there’s going to be setbacks but all that matters is we keep pushing right?

Hope you’re good and I’m looking forward to the post soon saying its been 1 month then 2 months etc.

Keep your head up buddy. You’re a good man x

[dfh]

Danman83

Dust yourself off and get back on the road to recovery. You need to reset yourself again. Hope your ok? This situation right now is very temporary so don’t let the negative feelings take over. My addict goes round in many circles, and sometimes he tries really hard but other times it’s half hearted. I can see you give it 100%. You need to keep your morale up, don’t give up on yourself. Get on some meetings too. Here if you need me. X

[danman83]

Thanks for that ???? I’m back on the meetings and I’m 100percent commited again now. 2 weeks clean today. I’ll get there again if I keep doing what I am doing.

Thanks

[dfh]

Still proud of u

[thistim3]

‘So I’m back and I’m not going to give up.’ Love this. Sometimes it really is – one moment at a time. One moment at a time is manageable. Prayers Danman83.

[danman83]

Thanks Tim. Appreciate it, ❤️

[carlb]

Don’t get too disheartened by this minor setback. We have all been there and relaspse is most common during the first 2 years getting clean. Being away from a toxic relationship is probably for the best. I was in one and it was so one sided that when I was finally free the relief was incredible. As for rest take it a day at a time and things get easier.

I have been clean since December 27th 2019 and I still have bad days where all I want is to use. Whenever I get like this I call somebody just to hear a voice and have a normal conversation or i find any other activity I can do to occupy myself and alleviate the desire to get wasted.

Keep going.

[danman83]

Thanks Carl. Your totally right. I feel a lot happier now I’m not with her. She was very aggressive anyway. I have been connecting to 3 people a day now. And it really does help. What was u addicted to mate?

[notmyrealname]

How are you doing since you last comment? Don’t forget all the encouragement you have given to us all, so many of your posts and comments have helped lots of us.

[lindyloo]

Yes Dan, how’s things going with you? Thinking and praying for us all here often.

Sending virtual hugs

Lx

[danman83]

I’m doing good thanks. 5 weeks clean now. I’ve shared twice at my 1st 2 face to face meetings. It’s horrible and nerve racking. Sorry I’ve not been on for a few week. I’ve just been mad busy with my kids and got a bit lazy I guess. But I’m still clean and doing well. Hope your all OK

[debc]

Hi Danman83,

So glad to hear you are doing well, that’s great news. You’ve been keeping yourself busy which is great.

Keep going and take care.

Dx

[danman83]

Thanks deb. I’ve been slacking on here, which I shouldn’t be doing really as it helps me. But next week me and 10 other lads from the CA meetings are going gorge walking in wales for the day. I’ve arranged it and I’m gonna do more things like this. But ye everything is going great again.

How are you doing?

[debc]

Hi,

That sounds great, especially all going together, a great support network, and well done for arranging it.

My Son is doing ok, but just ok, not seeing much effort these days, and he has got himself a new girlfriend, which of course is up to him, but he then stops doing everything else, which I find mad, lol. He was going to the Gym every morning but hasn’t been for the last few weeks and he always said that it made him feel good.

The Euros being on doesn’t help, but I can’t change that, he’s a big football fan.

Keep going Danman, your doing great.

Take care.

Dx

[danman83]

Well deb there’s one thing that can make a man slack and that’s a woman haha. Anyone who falls in love in the CA before 12 month will tend to ignore their recovery. Women come 1st lol. It’s hard.. As the saying goes.. Your thinking with that between your legs and not your head. I hope he is OK tho. And if he ever wants my phone num or email he can have it. Even if for a general chat.

Thanks again deb x

[lindyloo]

Hi Dan, good to hear from you and great news that you’re still doing well! I’m so pleased for you.

Keep up the good work, enjoy your lovely walks in Wales .

Take care and stay strong ????

Lx

[danman83]

Thanks lindy, I’ve never even been Wales. Last week was the lakes in ingleton falls with my kids. It was beautiful and I’ve missed these things from using. It’s a big eye opener and I have so much planed for the future.

[lindyloo]

Glad to hear you’re spending precious time with your children and taking in the views. You need to cherish times like that Dan.

My son relapsed again last pay period, hit it real hard. But he got a fright, the symptoms scared him.

He’s back on the saddle again, eating healthy, lost weight, going to meetings. It’s looking good, but its payday again, I’m hoping and praying he’ll stay strong., I saw the comment about meeting women, I did hint that he’d best stay away from women for the moment, but he’s 28 and feels he’s missing out!

I’ve got everything crossed he’ll stay clean.

Keep fighting the good fight Dan, you did it before and you can do it again!

Stay strong

Lx

[debc]

Hi Lindyloo,

Good to hear that your Son has decided to try again, I hope that payday has gone well. I think if you can see them trying it’s a bonus.

My Son has got himself a girlfriend, which isn’t ideal, but I see no effort from him at the moment at all, which I find really disappointing. I’m not saying he’s back on it, but I know he has the odd drink. Like your Son says they think they are missing out, I really don’t understand this at all, do you? I find it all very frustrating and think to myself is this how it is always going to be, not something I look forward too.

I hope you are well and that your Son perseveres this time.

Take care.

Dx

[lindyloo]

Hi Debc

Thank you for your reply, I feel that you and I are in similar situations with our sons.

Thankfully it’s been okay so far, hes been enjoying having money to buy things and not due to dealers. He’s looking well and eating healthy but most importantly is attending meetings.

He is filling his weekend being active and meeting up with other people in recovery.

Yes, I agree, it’s easier to support them when you can see they are making an effort. Also my hubby has health issues and have told my son that stress affects it. He is showing more empathy than before thankfully.

Yes its very frustrating when they don’t seem to understand consequences of their actions. My son has always been that way.

But he knows he cannot ,absolutely cannot, have even one drink.

I’m so glad we all have each other here ????

I think and pray for us all daily.

Take care, sending hugs ????

Lx

[danman83]

Thanks for that. That is a main trigger payday for people. But it wasn’t for me. But if he’s back in the meetings he’s in the right place. It’s hard when your only young and that’s all you think about going to the pub ect… How will we cope. But there is a better life out there with out these things.

[smh1987]

Hi Danman, I’m sending you loads of support, you have beat this before can do it again! I haven’t been on for a while and just read your post. You got this pal!! ???????? You got straight back into going to meetings and most wouldn’t! That’s you mate that does that. Hope you are okay

[danman83]

Thanks. For this x I feel a long stronger this time and normally living on my own I would of used. But I’m feeling great and doing what my sponsor tells me. Its going well so far. Thanks

[kk1590]

You have got this !! It’s the knowing it’s so damaging & consuming of you as a person that’s the starting point .. you have the strength to beat this poison I can tell. Stay strong & positive & believe in yourself !! X

[danman83]

Thanks for your lovely comment x and I will thanks x

[gixxer06]

Hey Danman,

This is my first post and I can relate to your situation as I’m going through something similar myself.

I’ve used cocaine on and off for the last 20 years and put my children and wife through hell because of it. I have managed to be clean for years sometimes but I’ve relapsed more times than I can remember and sometimes I can’t even describe the chain of events that lead to it. I would only describe it as autopilot, 1 minute I’m thinking of it and then the next someone’s dropped a bag off and my whole being is pulsating knowing it’s going to be a slippery slope from here but the thought of having it is so much stronger than the all the damage that will ultimately ensue. It sounds silly but post relapse I’m absolutely bereft with regret, guilt, upset and thinking how the hell did I get here again. This happens again and again, sometimes 2 years apart. I have adult girls and a boy who is 14. My eldest daughter is distant and without doubt I’ve contributed to her poor mental health because of the constant relapses and anxiety and torment that cocaine usage brings. Sometimes I’d just leave the family home at 1am in the morning making some pathetic excuse because I wanted to carry on using and the paranoia of doing it at hone would be too much. I would be away for days and I would feel knee height to a rat thinking what I’m putting my wife and children through. It would end with me in tears and begging for forgiveness and truly ashamed at what I’d done and for the next 6 months a year I’d be off it. Then something would happen it might be gradual over a few weeks, don’t ask me what the trigger is because even I don’t understand what process of my thinking slowly opens the door again and I forget the previous misery that I’ve caused. And the merry go round continues.

It’s happened again last week probably after a year clean. I don’t think there was any plan to do it…. It just happened

I had a bit of a cold and thought its a good cover to have a few lines, no one will suspect it as I’ve got a hasty cold anyway. So a few lines turned into 4 nights with 4g add the sleeping tablets to that and I was off my trolley

My wife and daughter clicked on and 4 days later I’m there again, lost all trust and bridges that id built over the years and they want me out. I can’t blame them. I’m in tears again thinking… why and how did it come to this. If only I hadn’t made that call. But the problem is the sequence leading up to it. I need help to understand this because if I haven’t done it for a year surely this can continue.

Sorry for the long vent but I’m hoping someone can help and advise me as I feel absolutely hopeless, I just can’t trust myself and I’ve got so much to lose. Especially my beautiful children.

What a father and husband I am

[notmyrealname]

This is a question I ask my husband, how did you make the call? Did you actually call someone on the phone? If so why do you still have their phone numbers? If it’s them contacting you why haven’t you blocked them. If it’s someone you met then why are you still in touch with that person if you don’t want to live that way? I know it’s not always that simple but for my husband it’s been keeping in touch with other people connected to it that makes cocaine easier to access.

[gixxer06]

As someone that has gone through this time and time again I can only describe this as a gradual tightening of a grip to use again. I honestly think my subconscious mind is more clever manipulative and tactfully astute than my conscious mind. This might be difficult to explain and I’m not sure if anyone else can relate to this but when I mention autopilot it literally is putting building blocks in place to complete the road to using again. I wish I could feel the pain and anguish that I feel after the aftermath of using at the beginning….. I would never touch it again.

I still fail to understand the sequence that lead to relapse.

I understand people will see this as being ‘selfish’ but we’re not playing with the same ground rules as anything else. Selfish might be buying yourself a new pair of trainers and not thinking about your partner or your children. I’m the total opposite in that respect, they have everything that I can physically afford materially and I will go without. My wife has a brand new car whilst I drive around in an old banger…. I think that doesn’t make me a selfish person Per se but maybe I’m making these choices and what they need more than ‘things’ is a stable husband and father around that doesn’t give in to the demon coke destroying everything that he’s built since the last relapse.

Groundhog Day that’s how it honestly feels like. I’m scared of the repercussions and feel a total failure

[notmyrealname]

You’ve done really well to stay off it for a year. Is it just a blip? How have you been since last week, have you managed to stay off it since then? I think you were replying to someone else’s comment but what I meant was if you’ve been avoiding that way of life for a whole year you must have cut some ties with people to avoid temptation? And so who have you reconnected with in order to get your hands on the cocaine?

[notmyrealname]

‘’I’m making these choices and what they need more than ‘things’ is a stable husband and father around that doesn’t give in to the demon coke destroying everything that he’s built since the last relapse.’’ Exactly this is what I try to make my husband see that obviously kids need the basics in life but the main thing they need is a loving, safe home and that’s more important than anything else. Well done for recognising that for yourself, maybe a little late but can you use your knowledge to try and rebuild.

[notmyrealname]

That’s another thing that drives me mad, my husbands the same old clothes, car needs repairs, doesn’t spend anything on himself yet the people he’s buying the stuff off have fancy clothes, several cars Mercedes and bmw, really annoys me that he’s taken advantage of, it’s just awful to watch. We’re helpless while the person facilitating this misery by selling it to you is just carrying on with their life.

[danman83]

Hey mate. 1st off your are doing brilliantly to get this long clean. Don’t beat your self up. It’s happened. Get back on track. No point thinking of it now. Think forward.

What things did you do to stay clean! Have u joined C A anonymous? And worked the 12 steps and have a sponsor? If not you ring your sponsor everyday. When u get cravings, actually the second you do. And they genuinely go away. Or jump on a meeting.

Am not to sure if do or don’t know this already.

Just keep doing what you was doing and phone people like u from the meetings. And go to meetings

[sunny77]

In all honesty , and speaking as a wife it’s selfish. You know the hurt you are putting them through and you know the way you will feel after. To make a conscious choice to do it anyway and hurt those you love is probably the worst thing you could do .

Sadly you will always be an addict in recovery and until you accept that and consistently live your life with that in mind this won’t stop.

People in recovery carry on going to NA for most of their life , you can’t just think you are cured after a year .

There is no happy ending here for you or your family unless you stay in a programme , and engage fully .

I feel so sad for you , please get help and stick with it . You really are putting those you love through the worst pain ever , the high is short lived the damage is permanent .

Make a call today please .

[sunny77]

In all honesty , and speaking as a wife it’s selfish. You know the hurt you are putting them through and you know the way you will feel after. To make a conscious choice to do it anyway and hurt those you love is probably the worst thing you could do .

Sadly you will always be an addict in recovery and until you accept that and consistently live your life with that in mind this won’t stop.

People in recovery carry on going to NA for most of their life , you can’t just think you are cured after a year .

There is no happy ending here for you or your family unless you stay in a programme , and engage fully .

I feel so sad for you , please get help and stick with it . You really are putting those you love through the worst pain ever , the high is short lived the damage is permanent .

Make a call today please .

[notmyrealname]

It’s not daft, danman was explaining it to me on a previous post about triggers, and it started to make sense as I had noticed when my husbands particularly bad with it he would be listening to a specific singer. Its funny how so many people are affected in the same way and we can all see what’s happening but we don’t know what to actually do to make it better.

Yes I’m sorry to say I understand your wife acting that way, it’s so upsetting to watch someone you love doing that to themselves, and we can’t make any sense of it ourselves.

[notmyrealname]

That’s what my husband goes from being so sorry he’s never going to do it to being like so what it’s not that much of a big deal. It’s very confusing for us partners as you say one thing and then do another and we just can’t understand why or how. All you can do is keep explaining how your feeling, tell her what’s going on and trying your best to do better I suppose.

[cocainekid64]

Am sorry are saying your addicted to pain killers because on behalf of real drug addicts get a grip. Addiction is mental unless ur in the Ateam and if you really want to solve the problem stop taking drugs to ignore your problems and blaming them when things get worse. I have a real addiction I’m trying to stop I spend $100 a day on cocaine an that’s good given last year I spent $200 a day I also smoke a half ounce of weed a week and Drink half a bottle of whiskey and I’m only 27 I’ve been doing this since I was 21 it’s hard to stop any drug but come on there’s levels people can quit heroine and your crying about pain killers get up dust your self and remove negative thoughts

[gixxer06]

Thank you for your reply Danman.

I attended 1 CA meeting in Leeds probably 15 years ago. It just wasn’t something I thought would benefit me.

These days I’ve had this relapse now and I probably won’t even go near it now for years. It’s something I can control most of the time. This is what makes understanding the lead up to when I do have a relapse so difficult because it causes so much heartache and destruction for both me and my family.

I am a doting father. I do everything with my kids from cycling through to hiking, we laugh and joke, I’m there for every occasion and every problem they face so ultimately when the inevitable happens it’s such a massive wound for them to understand and such a huge loss for me. My whole world flips from a happy home to them thinking do we leave and find a new home, do we throw him out, shall we call his parents? Who is this guy even? Is he the same father we knew and loved? Massive implications….. all for a few grams of coke. What destruction.

I need to do something because if and when I heal this hurt I’ve caused and start to piece my life back together and build the pieces of trust and honesty back up with my family…., this must never happen again. I desperately need to work out the psychology behind my head on crash from tootling along nicely as a husband and father to raging coke head. This is my last chance. My wife and children really cannot be put through this again.

I don’t know whether to book in with a counsellor or Mental health support worker or drugs clinic. I don’t need rehab I just need a plan for life… if that makes any sense

[danman83]

Ye I fully understand you. I work the 12 steps in c a. And I have had my best clean time. It really does work. Phoning people each day helps in recovery so much. We learn about our resentments from are past that can cause us to use.

Most people I see, who have been to councilling say.. The councillors say go to AA or CA.

So you relapse every few year is this right? But how long does this relapsed last?

[danman83]

Ye I fully understand you. I work the 12 steps in c a. And I have had my best clean time. It really does work. Phoning people each day helps in recovery so much. We learn about our resentments from are past that can cause us to use.

Most people I see, who have been to councilling say.. The councillors say go to AA or CA.

So you relapse every few year is this right? But how long does this relapsed last?

[gixxer06]

Yes about that…. Every so often. Things can be seemingly going perfectly normally then either I will cave in to an opportunity or I might just on a whim decide I deserve a few lines that no one will ever know about. This is obviously the start of a a few days of coke binging that usually ends in me not sleeping and usually getting caught out in the end.

The thoughts of having coke is always there most of the time they’re fleeting thoughts that just go away sometimes they’re a bit stronger and I might dwell on them for longer, maybe have a look at some YouTube videos of people having a good time taking coke/partying. Just reinforcing the feelings that I’m missing out and that’s where the party’s at. Slowly maybe a few days or a week after I might text or call the odd contact that I know might still dabble in it and one thing might lead to another. Worryingly the thought of the pain I’m going to cause never really enters my mind no matter how many times I repeat this cycle. You’d think I would learn but I really am embarrassed and annoyed why and how it seems to recur over and over again.

I appreciate your advice and will look at joining up the CA programme

[danman83]

Me personally I would delete everyone you know who dabbles with coke. When u join ca you get contacts details, and ring them. When the urges happen. It gets rid of them. I never believed it. But it really does work.

[notmyrealname]

How would my husband actually go about joining it? What’s the first step? He hasn’t done anything professional so far as he’s apparently terrified of the repercussions which is ironic considering the number of bad decisions he makes without considering the repercussions of those.

[danman83]

Hiya sorry for the late reply.. 1st off he has to want to quit for him self. Not you wanting him and saying he needs to go to meetings. Or he won’t get better.

There are C A meetings on the website with times and days. Each day meetings are on. He needs to download zoom as well. As they are through zoom. And to just join a meeting. I’m from Bolton so I go on Salford or Manchester meetings. But it’s up to him.

Tell him to just to listen to people’s stories and if he wants to talk he can. And not to be worried about it all. Don t let the god aspect put him off tell him. Its about a higher power we believe in. People have there own dead parents as a higher power.

He then needs to get a sponsor and work the steps. I feel great now and if u put the effort in it really does work. I promise u that❤️????

I’m 50 days clean today.

Also tell him go to face to face meetings in your area. These help a great deal and its a must.

[lindyloo]

Hi Dan,

So pleased that you’re back in the saddle again. Well done – i know its not easy for you guys in recovery.

Yes, the AA and CA meetings are the only thing that works for my son. The fellowship are a great support and he is happier now that face to face meetings have started again. Thankfully he’s doing well just now, I know not everyone is religious, but I do pray for us all here every day.

Keep on doin what yer doin!

Stay strong ????

Lx

[danman83]

Hiya Lindy,

Good to hear your son is doing well. And you can tell he wants this. And that’s the main thing.

Thanks again. I’m feeling a lot better now.

[notmyrealname]

Thanks for replying, it’s not that it’s me that only me wants him to do it but he’s so nervous of it, once he got caught with cannabis and the police punishment was to sent him to a meeting about drug rehabilitation with his friend, But when it was their turn to talk the other addicts were laughing because their addiction was ‘only’ cannabis and a bit of coke.

[danman83]

It doesn’t matter what addiction it is. It just shows them other people’s mentality and are not very well. And clearly have no respect for anyone. You might come across people like this. Just blank them out and focus on your own recovery.

He needs to go to C. A there is no discrimination what so ever.

[notmyrealname]

Hi,

Yes I guess it depends what state of mind those people were in at the time but it was also the staff /volunteers whatever they were at this group that down played his problem, if he didn’t have a problem he wouldn’t have been sent to a support/rehabilitation group as a punishment . My husband wasn’t so bad at that point thought but still he needed help and these peoples attitude kind of gave him the green light to get worse not better. He’s got a negative perception of the support groups because that experience was so embarrassing being ridiculed for not being a bad enough addict.

Took your advice last night, we joined the one zoom available at that time and just had a listen. You were right no one was judging what anyone else’s addiction were they just let the person talk it out. I don’t know what he thought of it but as you say it’s upto him. So now I’ve got the zoom set up it’s open to him to go on to it now if he can, I’m not going to go on about it because you were right it has to be his choice.

[danman83]

I’m glad he has gone on zoom he will meet some great people. I just went gorge walking in wales with some from my meeting and I arranged it. I never met most of them. And we had one of the best times ever.

Regarding the parking ticket and things like that. When u work the 12 step programme u have to live on honest life. I do not litter anymore. And I use to, help people who are struggling, even if it’s just with a shop door. Things like this. Give off positive things in life you feet positive back. And that genuinly works.

Doing small things like litter, causing arguments, road rage, all leads to negative things and has a roll on effect. I know it sounds to much. I feel so much better today.

Obviously we don’t do everything perfect but we do our best to live an honest life.

I hope he does stick to them. I go on the Salford ones if he ever wants them. What area are u in?

[notmyrealname]

Well thanks for the support dan but despite his apparent determination and doing a few days off he has the tell-tale signs this evening and his reasoning when I mentioned it was ‘it’s Friday’ so I think he is not ready again. I’m finding it tricky to not be so upset because reading from you saying how much you want it shows someone can want it and still slip up. But when he says he wants to stop but then messes up I just think he was lying all along. It’s so complicated.

[notmyrealname]

That sounds nice about the group things, I wish he would find some friends who had healthy hobbies, it’s sad the time and money him and all of his friends have wasted. It didn’t work out with the zoom yet, it’s like he went forward a tiny step and took a huge step back.

Do many older people look back and realise the years they have wasted and make their life better or do most people just carry on doing it until they die?

How has your week been? Have you done well?

[redfox20]

Hi Danman how would you describe the cravings if you don’t mind me asking? I have asked my ex he said it’s not a voice it’s him doing it telling himself I find that aspect hard to understand I know they are powerful but would like to hear you honest opinion on it thanks.

[danman83]

Well it is ourselves telling us, we do say the voice in our head, but it is us at the end of the day. But I guess it’s the addictive side that wants it, it wants the drug and craves it. So your addictive brain will tell you things like.. Just one bag will be OK, you won’t get anymore, you will be back for 9pm, you won’t drink and drive. Ect… But at the end of the day’s its all lies. You will do more bags, you will drink and drive and so on.

It’s like having a devil and angel on each shoulder arguing with your self shall I get some.

I hope I answered that ok for you.

Feel free to ask me anything

[redfox20]

Hi Danman, thank you for getting back to me and explaining it so clearly. Do triggers result in cravings or do you get cravings anytime without any necessary reason too? I totally understand it’s difficult and we wouldn’t as non addicts ever fully understand what it’s like we can only learn and educate ourselves. What hurts me is how he doesn’t think of the consequences I mean do you or does the addictive brain override it at the time of making the decision to use.

[danman83]

I’m a bit lost in how to answer the triggers and cravings.. I guess they are similar, when I crave it I guess I’m thinking about using.. And a trigger is where I drive past say a corner shop where I always meet my dealer., so if I drive past there when I am not meeting him.. This will be a trigger and I will remember getting coke from there and can trigger me in to buy coke. This is why we need to avoid triggers and people and places.

People can’t stop for there own kids, and this is the sad truth and what it does to people. I guess it is the addictive brain. Because if we was clean. Kids win everytime.

[redfox20]

Hi Dan thanks for replying. You have cleared that up for me so thank you. I know it’s only the person who can change no amount of ultimatums or threats will work. Do you think the best thing for a partner is to walk away as someone who’s suffered with addiction is that more helpful to you? Or is support what you need? Also about the cheating I have dabbled in coke myself and although you get horny I couldn’t cheat on someone if I really loved them do you feel that maybe you didn’t hence why or that the cocaine really messed with your head? Thanks again for your insight on here you’ve no idea how you help us all.

[danman83]

Errmmm.. I guess you have to evaluate the situation. Things like is the person doing his best trying?

Is he still putting himself in situations we’re he can use.. Like the pub, hanging around with using mates, dealers nums still in phone.

My ex always seen me putting the effort in. But she had it the odd time aswell. But could say no to it.

If the partner wants to walk away, I guess u have to look at finances, I mean I don’t know what yours are.. Kids, house together.. Mortgage.. I guess you have to see are you better off with out them. If your young move on ASAP. Its hard for me to say really, but do what is best for you! Not the addict. They can only help them self’s. You can only do so much.

Don’t get me wrong support is good aswell. If there is no one there I could just use it as an excuse to use.but u get a hell of a lot of support in the meetings and taking people’s numbers.

No I did love her. Apart of me. Wanted to keep punishing her for cheating on me. And the big part was the seedy side of the cocaine.. The escort sites ect.

I’ve seen and heard so many simular stories, guys telling me they was on the same site as me ect.. When u do it the 1st time I guess that becomes an addiction as well I recon.

I wouldnt of dreamed of doing all this if I was not using coke. It just takes hold of you and changes you.

Thanks for your lovely comments.

Sorry for the late reply. Feel free to ask me anything

[notmyrealname]

Ah your at 50 days again now, well done. You’re keeping it up. I have had a look and there are meeting with ca every day at loads of times. I’m amazed how many there are. I will tell him about that. I know you think he should be looking at it but he doesn’t sort anything out he’s the kind of person who throws the parking ticket off the car and doesn’t sort it out, and that’s not just when hes doing coke he’s always been unorganised. He needs a kick start haha.

[lilgunner]

Hi Dan,

Reading your words always makes me feel there’s hope for hope other people.

You were a major comfort to me recently, I thank you for taking the time to chat.

Cocaine is a nasty manipulative drug, I do believe those who use it are not bad people, addiction is horrid. The remorse from someone on a comedown is so painful to hear, I wish that moment was enough to stop someone using ever again. One thing I’ve learnt recently is to take a step back and to set boundaries.

X

[danman83]

Hey hope you are OK.

Ye it’s a vicious circle feeling guilty and depressed on a come down. Then we are back at it a few days later. How are u doing anyway?

[lilgunner]

Hi Dan,

Reading your words always makes me feel there’s hope for hope other people.

You were a major comfort to me recently, I thank you for taking the time to chat.

Cocaine is a nasty manipulative drug, I do believe those who use it are not bad people, addiction is horrid. The remorse from someone on a comedown is so painful to hear, I wish that moment was enough to stop someone using ever again. One thing I’ve learnt recently is to take a step back and to set boundaries.

X

[lilgunner]

I’m ok, Dan!

Been really calm recently apart from this weekend when things wasn’t so pleasant. I’m learning not to react as much, not worth reacting when my friend is off his face as there’s no getting through to him.

Pretty much decided only to communicate with him via normal text messages as WhatsApp is what he likes using when he’s “on one”. Feels pretty nice talking to him under normalish circumstances.

He was doing so much better until a few weeks ago, his use has gone up but he has said himself he needs to up his therapy. I wish upping it meant he wanted to stop, but that’s something he needs to want. X

[danman83]

Glad your OK.

Ye your best waiting till he’s sober untill you talk to him.

What does he mean by upping his therapy?

[lilgunner]

Hi Dan,

Basically, he joined this online rehab program instead of going into residential rehab. They give him tools to try and stop at home, in your own surroundings. It is helpful to some extent, where by he isn’t using as often but he’s not gone more than 2 weeks and several weeks ago his use went back to every weekend.

If he doesn’t use this weekend that’s 2 weeks clean, I pray he doesn’t.

He had been using in those weeks and he had been messaging women online and I had this is random message from some Facebook account saying he told her my name and was being horrible. Where his mind takes him on drugs I will never know.

Things generally have been ok since I stopped communicating with him via social media, particularly WhatsApp.

He wanted to speak to me over the phone in the week, but I was busy and he said he will call in a few days, haven’t spoken to him yet as I know he finds it hard to communicate, one minute he’s chatty the next he appears withdrawn.

I’ll probably message him some point today before this evening, as the evening is when he usually gets on one and I don’t want to be caught up in that and him start messaging vile stuff.

Glad to hear you’re ok, and you’re seeing things more positively. Keep it up Dan you’re doing amazingly.

[ash2013]

There’s a song by Bliss and Eso called Devil on my shoulder, I think its about alcohol, but my husband listened to it alot when he was stopping using coke.

Its worth a listen DanMan 🙂

[hilton]

I came on here yesterday asking for advice, after not being on here for a while and I noticed that you had not been commenting.

Be proud of how far you had come and how far you can go in the future.

I wish my partner had your drive. I can’t even suggest he gets help.

It’s a very small world. I live near the park you said you went to. Weird coincidence that I wondered about you yesterday. Have faith.

[hilton]

I came on here yesterday asking for advice, after not being on here for a while and I noticed that you had not been commenting.

Be proud of how far you had come and how far you can go in the future.

I wish my partner had your drive. I can’t even suggest he gets help.

It’s a very small world. I live near the park you said you went to. Weird coincidence that I wondered about you yesterday. Have faith.

[danman83]

I forgot which park I said… Which park did I say? Lol.

Thanks for your comment.

Why what is the advice u need anyway?

[paul0572]

Hiya matey ,

Lived with my girlfriends addiction for 2 years ,

Finally told her family as she really needed help , basically turned it all round on me to make me look like the bad guy , they have fallen for her lies . It’s easier for them to believe her story than she’s an addict…

She picks me up when she likes then puts me down when she’s likes , uses my house as somehere to sleep off her comes down . What’s to get bk togther one day then hates me the next . All I’ve done is loved her and we were suppose to get married a yeah and half ago ….

Best advice for me cos I’m feeling used , and after everything I’ve done for her I don’t deserve that at all . Don’t even know who she is anymore

[lindyloo]

Hi Dan, hope all is good with you and you enjoyed your walk in Wales.

I think the devil on my son’s shoulder is twitchy just now. I think its the nice sunny weather and previous summers with beers and other stuff that’s tempting him. I said, well you just have to adapt your lifestyle to suit your recovery now. He knows what the alternative is, hes thinking about changing his job , moving away etc, I think it’s too early in his recovery to do anything like that yet. Some undesirables still know where he stays i guess . It’s difficult for him. Any comments Dan?

Lx

[danman83]

Hey, really sorry for the late comment. Moving away really does not fix the problem your addiction stays with you. And you can get drugs and alcohol even in a little village. So moving doesn’t fix things.

Me personally if only move jobs unless people I work with have it on them at work all the time.

If he does decide to stay he needs to set boundaries and literally tell anyone who uses not to come round. But moving might do him good. It’s just hard to say it will work untill he settles in I guess.

It’s hard now summer is here. A few have relapsed from the meetings I know now.

[thistim3]

Hi Dan: My husband cleaned up decades ago, and admitted to only 2 relapses all these years later. Cocaine probably would have ended us all those years ago if I knew he was having sex with other women during that time. Why do you suppose some cheat and others don’t while on coke? Have you cheated while on coke? If you did or didn’t – why?

[danman83]

Yes I’m not gonna lie I cheated. I wouldnt dream of cheating not on it. Coke turns you into a very sly, sneakily person. I know loads while on coke, watch lots of porn, use escorts, prostitutes and cheat with normal girls. It’s a really seedy drug and it makes you do things that are edgy and dangerous. It turns us into things we are not. I can’t say this for everyone but a lot this what it does

[danman83]

Hiya really sorry for the late reply. Yes my week has been good. I’ve met someone and get on great with her. I know it’s not recommended doing the CA programme, but I’ve told her everything about my problem and she wants to help and she doesn’t drink or do drugs so that’s good.

I guess just try and stay positive and make him aware of the dangers. Its hard not to worry. Its what we do I guess.

I regret alot of the years wasted using. Don’t get me wrong I had some good times, but these effected things in my future, like not buying a house or going college. I guess we have got to not hold on to these resentments and move on and look towards the future.

But yes all good here.. Over 2month clean now and I’m feeling great.

How are u doing?

[notmyrealname]

O no of course I don’t want anyone to hold on to any resentments, that wouldn’t be healthy. I would see you as one of the people who recognises and doesn’t hide from their mistakes but also you obviously want to use this as a learning tool to know you can do better and build a better life, that’s how you come across anyway. I’m just wondering are there more people like you? As all i seem to see more recently is people just giving in with it and thinking there isn’t any way out. It’s just when people are bad on it and in the moment they seem to only have short moments of realising what they are doing and such a short memory to be able to go straight back in to it a few days later. 2 months WELL DONE, knew you could get back on the right patch . Also just to say my husband has managed a two day gap, I know he has a long way to go but I’m proud of him for among the effort.

[danman83]

Sorry for the late reply. I guess it comes down to how bad you want to stop and how much effort you put in. I’ve been trying for years and tried various things. But joining cocaine anonymous is the best thing I’ve done. Im 2month and a week clean now. I got 4 month clean time at the start of the year. My best clean time in 12 year of using. So I’ve only used 2 times this year, which is great for me. I can’t fault this programme.

You see loads of people in the room with years of clean time. So it’s just not me. You listen to there stories. You relate to them and you learn from there mistakes aswell.

Thanks for that.

And tell your husband not to give up and keep trying. And just stay clean for the 24 hours he wakes up. Not to think ahead.

[notmyrealname]

I appreciate that everyone is on their own journey so I am happy for him to have done any time clean. He has came a long way since this time last year so there is definitely progress but i know that while he should be glad of what he has done he has to keep on pushing if he wants to go further.

For yourself is there any reason you have identified why it went better at the beginning of the year than in May? It’s shocking how the brain can trick you even after months. I hope that you’ve got some better coping strategies in place if the same scenario comes up that put you in that position.

We will all be praying for you anyway, we appreciate you coming on here replying to us, it’s lovely to hear how you said about trying to live a better life, it sounds really good for you and it is definitely the little things that makes all the difference. It’s wonderful that you now appreciate a lovely walk in the fresh air and i enjoy reading your stories . Have you thought of gardening? it’s always a sense of satisfaction to know my effort helped the flowers grow and keeps me busy checking on them.

[danman83]

So basically I was 4 month clean up untill May 4th from boxing day.

And for months I had been in agony with my shoulder and still am now. And I ended up getting paib killers with codeine from the chemist a week before my relapse.

These obviously started making me to feel great ect. And I was taking them just when I shouldn’t of done.

Plus I was getting urges of using.

I should if told my sponsor straight away and I never and I used a week later. They say the relapse happens a week before u have even used. And this was right with me.

I don’t take the pain killers now, and I connect with my sponsor easily now and will if I get any urges

It’s basically your head having you over telling u that you will be fine. And clearly u won’t.

Its about learning when there thoughts come in and eliminate them ASAP.

[notmyrealname]

I’m glad that you know what went wrong that time. You did great going through all New Year’s Eve etc and resisting any temptations. I know how easy it is for someone to blame any occasion as an excuse to do it.

The urges sound so strong, I’m amazed by now they haven’t came up with any kind of medication that can be given to someone to overcome these urges.

You should be proud all the work your putting in.

I forgot about the shared accommodation, maybe for now you could start small grow some basil or oregano, tomato plant on a window ledge. Gardening can be very calming and healing.

[danman83]

I haven’t tried gardening, but I would like to and grow veg, but I need to get a garden 1st lol. I’m in shared accom at the moment because my gf at the time kicked me out. But I’m saving each week and have a couple of grand so far. And I’m applying for 2 bedroom flats. It’s the 1st time in 38 year I’ve ever saved up lol.

Working the 12 steps is a better way of life. It teaches you to live an honest lie. You can’t tell any lies as this leads to other things. You can’t litter. Little things like this. Helping older people is a must. Meditation and praying I do each day. I feel great now. Don’t get me wrong I have my bad days. But that’s life I guess

Thanks for your kind words. It means alot.

[lindyloo]

Hi Dan, glad to hear that you’re still doing well – and saving up too, that’s brilliant.

It’s good when you start to see results when you re trying so hard.

If I was your mum – and I’m probably old enough lol, I’d be so proud of you.

My son is doing okay atm. He still gets really anxious and stressed about stuff, I know it’s so difficult for him. He’s about two months into this recovery, lost some excess weight, going to gym etc.

He’s doing his best. Stay strong and take care, thanks again for your support.

Lx

[danman83]

Thank you so much. And she is proud, but she don’t half mither me haha text every morning at 6am.. How am I? Ect.. But its all for my own good and her piece of mind. I only have myself to blame.

That’s great news I’m happy for him and you! As long as he is doing his best that’s the main thing and he’s staying connected.

Have a great weekend ❤️

[thistim3]

Hi Dan: Thank you for your honesty. It really helps to understand what my husband put himself through. I haven’t asked him this yet, but need to know if coke can also make someone feel incredibly violent. He never was to me or our kids, but I wonder now if we were in any real danger. When I finally knew what was happening and he was on coke – I went to his parents and told them. If my son was trying to kill himself I would want to know. I believe that their knowledge and support was a big factor for him in getting off the coke and staying off of it. His relationship with them became so much better and now that his father is gone – means so much.

Stay with the program and stay here. We need you.

[danman83]

I doubt you were ever in danger if he hasn’t ever been violent towards you. If for instance both are you are using.. Then it can get violent with both of you drunk and using and arguing over something trivial. I was never ever violent on it. But a lot of coke users who take steroids and go in clubs fighting.. This is a bad combination.

Plus if the person has a temper anyway maybe the coke can make them violent.

Me personally I think it goes off the person, and maybe if you are arguing ect.. Then it could. I hope this makes sence.

My good mate from school hung himself in May from cocaine and could not cope. I have a new partner and her good friend killed himself last night because of coke.

It is a big killer cocaine and it’s the side effects of the come down that cause this. Depression and suicidal everyone goes through some form of this when the coke is wearing off.

I’m glad hes better now. Everything falls into place when he’s better.

Thanks for your comments.

Feel free to ask me anything anytime.

[paul0572]

Hiya . My partner has gone in to rehab . She’s been there 24 hours now .

She’s basically in a detox center then she’s going into rehab.

Today I took her some new clothes and things that she asked for .

She phoned me up saying she hates me and she wants to me pick her up cos the people there are vile .

Last night she loved it there ! Was talking for an hour on the phone she seemed fine.

So today she told he people where shouting and having loud music on and arguing …

So I phoned and tried to get her transferred to her proper rehab and explained how bad it is there with all the noise .

So I havnt heard off her for a few hours , he her dad rang the place to see if she was ok , they wouldnt tell him anything . All they said is she’s had trouble with her boyfriend !

I havnt done anything today apart from run around after her and try and help.her ….is this just the withdrawal ?

So didn’t

[danman83]

Sorry I thought I had finished the message, my phone was playing up,

She could be trying anything possible to leave there. She will be going through a roller-coaster of emotions. But I guess she is in the best place for her away from drugs. And she needs for the drugs to come out of her system and have a clear mind.

[paul0572]

Yeah she is in the best place . I just hope she comes back to me as the person I used to remember

[danman83]

She will do if she does what is suggested.

[paul0572]

You know the roller coaster of emotions what’s that like and how long does it last because one week she loves me and misses me and the next week she wants nothing to do with me , when I’ve don’t nothing but support her ?

[danman83]

God’s honest truth Paul I don’t really know in this situation because I’ve never been in rehab ect.

But there has been weeks when I hated my ex when I was with her and was planning to leave ect..

And you know what she kicked me out about 3 month ago, and I still love her.

She will just be going through lots of emotions ect.. I don’t know how bad she was or is on it, and how she is as a person only you can judge this.

Me personally I’d just sit her down and say.. Do you really want to be with me and love me or not because it’s damaging my mental health as well. And if you don’t I want to move on with my life. If you do.. Let’s work togethee as a unit and stop saying that you don’t.

That’s my opinion. But do what u feel best.

[redfox20]

Hi Dan, how are you doing? I hope you’re well? I wanted to ask you with the depression side of comedowns was you getting it after you used more or once you became addicted? My ex has been in bed sleeping all day and hasn’t been out to eat drink nothing he’s at he’s mums not at mine he lives with her now and he got on it Thursday and was in bed all day Sunday, is it avoidance or depression would it make you feel like that 3 days later? X

[danman83]

I’m good thanks. The more over the years the depression gets alot worse. When u want to stop, it feels even worse. Do you know how the depression and suicidal thoughts work because of cocaine and what it does to your dopamine levels when u use it? I can explain if u don’t know?

And yes if u have no kids to watch you can be in bed for 3 days not wanting to face the world. Avoiding the debts u owe, avoiding life. Its a big vicious circle.. Use weekend recovering sun to thur, back on it Friday. So it’s both, but the depression is the 1st thing that causes avoidence.

[redfox20]

Glad you’re okay! I have read up on it somewhat how the drug uses up all your dopamine and you feel down after or don’t enjoy things you use to or feel happy unless you use am I right? I have spoken with him he said the coke doesn’t make him feel happy anymore is that because he’s dependent on it or because he’s truly not happy? He’s clearly depressed and doesn’t do anything to get himself up and out of it without kids it must be hard. He said he needs to be in full time work as that helps he said he hasn’t done it for a week because he’s been getting stuck into a roof he’s working on. Could work help or more money make matters worse I find it hard to believe what he says.

[danman83]

I’m not to clued up on withdrawls, but I know she will be making every excuse up in not to want to stay there, just let her do the time she has to do.

[danman83]

There probably is a drug that stops things like these. But there will be a reason why the governments don’t let people know. A bit like the biggest drug dealers are the governments with selling alcohol, cigs, and prescription pills. But that’s another long story lol.

Thanks for your kind words.

I literally just want get out of here and get my own place before I do anything. But I will do some gardening.

Thanks for that. Hope your ok

[notmyrealname]

Yes that’s true, it’s funny how there’s so many drugs that come from abroad in the country which when all the borders were shut or should have been very minimal access yet there isn’t any shortage of supply, how strange.

For us, I feel we don’t have any normal life now some days everything revolves either he’s doing it or done it and all the fun and happiness has been lost. I’m absolutely gutted. I don’t really know where to go from here to be honest. We’re both living here but it isn’t the same, it’s not really a life together.

I’m trying to hold all the pieces together day to day. and his day to day is just trying to make sure he can get hold of something, he goes to work but any leisure time is taken up with his habits. Then either arguing because he’s done it or because he can’t get hold of anything. So heart broken.

[danman83]

I know exactly what you mean. Don’t get me wrong I always did stuff with my kids. But the odd weekend I was in bed all day and my ex would go mad and take the kids out. It’s not good at all. But today it’s different and I’m taking my little girl horse riding lessons today clean and soba. It really does get better, he just needs to want to quit for himself. He needs to hit his rock bottom.

Does he want to stop?

[kate1]

He hung himself he’s dead. 7 weeks ago I found him. It’s to late

[danman83]

I was replying notmyrealname Kate. Sorry for the confusion. X

[notmyrealname]

He says he does want to stop but as you know all too well it’s like dealing with two different people. So then sometimes will get the other side where he’s done it and then I get accused of being controlling and wanting to tell him what to do because I’m upset that he’s done it again.

I really don’t know how he can distance himself well enough from that lifestyle, over half of the people at his work place do it. So even if he tried going out making new friends at work it would constantly be there.

All of his friends are into it in someway and one of their friends also took his own life as he was in so much debt and didn’t know how to stop. all the friends know that was the reason it happened and that hasn’t put any of his friends off taking it still, it’s so sad.

Sorry for your loss Kate and I also hope that you can help some people with your story.

[danman83]

He literally needs to cut off everyone and work on himself. It’s just never going to end for him. It’s a shame about his friend, and the sad thing is sometimes this is enough for us to stop and it should be.

[kate1]

It all sounds so familiar. Even when they see someone take their own life due to getting to far in and oweing not nice people money they carry on. Praying your boy sees sense xx

[danman83]

Hiya kate, I hope your OK today? How are you coping. I know it’s a daft question but just checking in on you x

[kate1]

Thanks Danman strange day tearful. I’ve been on my own. Took a diazepam and slept most of the day. My son would hate seeing me like this I know he would. Despite his issues I loved him and he loved me very much. Nothing I can do. It’s to late thank you for caring though. Try stay away from your ex. If she is using as well it will only end one way xx

[notmyrealname]

Thanks kate, I’ve tried the tough love and the support as you mentioned but people will do their own thing anyway. It’s just hard to make any sense out of it. I feel like nothing is ever as it seems when someone says one thing and you never really know what they are thinking .

I’m sure you needed the sleep but don’t hide away it sounds like you have a lot of good to give in the world people are going to need your advice. Have you got people around you to support you?

[danman83]

They say when you try to get clean you need to avoid relationships for a year or dating as this can lead to using. I’ve been on a few days and not drank or out. But I still shouldn’t be really.

My relationship was toxic aswell, and I used on that. She was quite aggressive and sometimes I think she was happy when I relapsed then I couldn’t be better and more out going and keep me in the house.

That would be great helping others he will be so proud of you am I’m sure of that. You really will be someone’s help, even if it’s just one person. You have helped me already.

Such a shame about his little girl. No little girl should be left with out her daddy but he will be with her looking after her ❤️

And you did what all mothers do and have done what my mum has done with me and helped him the best you can. I’ve lost a lot of friends from suicide and its heartbreaking for everyone. Just try and connect with people daily family and friends to help you.

I wish I could be there to give you a hug ❤️ keep spreading your story it will help everyone and don’t give up Kate ❤️❤️????????

[kate1]

I am at the park with his little girl we just arrived and the band started playing 1000 years. I had this at his funeral because from the time he died I couldn’t get it out of my head. Think he’s with us bless him. He won’t be far from me and his little girl x.

[danman83]

Little things like this will show you he is. It’s not just a coincidence, that’s what I beleive anyway.

Always here if you need to talk ❤️x

[kate1]

Thank you. I believe that as well. Xx

[holkat]

Hey Danman83,

I’ve just come on after ages of not being on and yours was the first thread I saw. We chatted a while back on one of my threads and you were so nice to me and understanding about my problems with my boyfriend.

I just wanted to say, I am so in awe of your strength and determination. As someone who is watching a person I love and care about abuse alcohol and not having an ounce of wanting to get better or do anything about it, it’s so so inspiring to see people here, like you, who can talk about the good times and the bad, and who want to give it their all to get better.

I hope you’re ok and doing well. Keep going, one day, one step at a time. You inspire people every day ❤️

[danman83]

Yes I remember are convos, thank you so much kat for your kind words, it means a lot and helps me in my recovery thanks.

Hows your bf now?

[holkat]

You are welcome ❤️

He’s not great and we’ve actually split up now. He’s still going to work and seeing the kids, he’s just functioning now. He’s gone onto rum as well as the lager now. I just could never get through to him, he couldn’t get to a place where he could even talk about it let alone get any support.

I’ve battled with the decision to end it for so long and feel like I’ve just done everything I can, and even splitting up with him hasn’t changed anything. It’s so heartbreaking and I still love him so much and want him to be ok but I genuinely believe he will get better on his own.

We split up in May but he’s not moved out yet as it’s been really hard for him to find housing. We’ve got on and been civil with each other but it’s been so hard and stressful for us both. I just wish so so much he would let me help him but he just can’t do it ????

[danman83]

I got kicked out in May, and I’m in a shared accom. My mum wants me go back hers but I don’t want to live with my dad, I actually feel happier now I’m clean and not with my ex as our relationship was toxic. Both of us was not perfect.

Even she had that stuff the other week and begged me to go down hers because she was on a bad come down. I’m just glad I’m not like that for today.

And I struggled getting somewere coz of covid that’s why I am here.

So does he want to stop at all?

Or is he happy just doing this now!

[danman83]

I didnt mean the exclamation mark.. Lol

[holkat]

It’s such a hard time to be going through all of this, for you and for us. Things weren’t toxic between us and I didn’t want to kick him out, I just knew our relationship was over because he is in the thick of this addiction and doesn’t want to change it right now.

I’ve managed the break up carefully because he’s got his 2 boys and I would never want to put them in any situation where they couldn’t come and see their dad, so I’ve just been trying to help him find somewhere, which he has now finally and just waiting for a moving date.

The in between has just been awful because he has once or twice got upset and said he doesn’t want to go, but the rest of the time he’s a avoided me and continued to drink, slept on the couch where I then have to just sit upstairs.

I am really starting to get emotional about it all now (crying as I write this) because it’s all just so overwhelming alongside work and everything else, and I’m just so terribly sad about it and I still wish with all my heart he will get better x

[kate1]

This is what happened to my son his drug use drove his ex and the children away. She used the children against him which really made him go downhill. All I would say is whatever you do do it with kindness and the children’s and his best interest x good luck it’s a really hard thing to do. He has a choice really as to what he wants. Sometimes the addiction is just to strong

[holkat]

Thank you Kate for your comment ❤️

It’s been so hard for us both as I have really tried to support him, talk to him, help him access information and services, and I’ve had to just accept that only he can take that step and get the help and he either won’t or can’t.

I have never just wanted to kick him out as I don’t have any animosity towards him at all I want him to be safe and be ok so I have continued to support him to find somewhere to live which is why it’s been 4 months and he’s still here! Its been so so hard but I could not have done it any other way, this is who I am. His boys always come first and have everything they need here and they will at his new home as well.

I’ll never stop caring for him and having hope that he will get better x

[kate1]

I have my daughter here, she’s in as much pain as me. It’s not my sons fault I blame the people that purposely kept him trapped in that world. He couldnt get out. It’s a horrible illness and it is an illness. I don’t think there is any right way of dealing with it. We just muddle through as best we can

[notmyrealname]

It most certainly is an illness, and it should have the funding and research put into it like other illnesses do as even with the most determination it’s still so hard for people to manage.

I’m glad you have your daughter there with you. Will be thinking of you both.

[kate1]

Thank you. Xx

[danman83]

Just spend as much time together as you can. You will both need each other❤️.

Its 100 percent not his fault. Sometimes we just get stuck in hole and its hard to get out of.

Your right it is an illness and alot of people don’t see this.

My ex gf who I have kids with, her 21 year old cousin did the same, and his mum, well she found him aswell. And seeing the pain on there faces was heart breaking. And that will stay with me.

Sending lots of love x

[kate1]

He will be worse on his own as my son was but what do you

[notmyrealname]

It definitely is the hardest thing to try to take care of yours, theirs and the children’s well-being especially when you are doing it all on your own.x

[notmyrealname]

How’s it going Dan?

[Author]

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