[jamesb]

I’ve typed, deleted and retyped this 100 times. Going right into detail trying to explain I guess,what are minor details but the reality of it is. I thought (and probably selfishly) by getting clean, my life would go back to what I wanted it to be and it would be the fairy tale I dreamed it would be.

The reality is my partner left me a little over a year ago and despite my getting clean and doing everything I thought I needed to win her back she’s just never going to be able to forgive me.

 

I’ve put my story on here a few times but I’m a recovering cocaine addict. As bad as it gets. £3.5 a day, spending 1000 a week at my worst and  I hid it all until of course I was found out and she left me.

The thing is, I never once set out to hurt anyone. I never chose addiction. I’m not making excuses for my behaviour or things I did but I crossed the line from occasional use to addiction when I lost my parents both within a year of eachother. Again not an excuse but I was a broken man, I still had responsibilities and the only way I was able to function was to rack up a line, block out the pain and crack on.

I lied to my partner about money and why I had none when I had a very good job. I lied about having to work late because I was too boosted to come home and addiction gripped me and took me to a place lower than I hope anyone reading this never has to experience.

But I never stopped loving my Mrs, all I have ever wanted is a family and through my addiction I lost that. My daughter was at the time she left 1 and since then I only get to see her for a few hours once a week. I don’t get to wake up and kiss her good morning, I dont get to come home from work and have her run to daddy with excitement and it kills me. I never signed up to be a part time dad. My daughter deserves better than that.

I am the only one to blame for this but I’m finding it so hard that I’m not that guy anymore. I am me again, Im loving, caring, hard working and able to continue doing all of the things I promised my Mrs I would do for her when we met but she doesn’t want anything to do with me.

I understand, of course I do, I hurt her, but the lack of of understanding is so hard to deal with. As far as she is concerned, I chose cocaine over her. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I have always loved her with every ounce of my being but addiction and grief took hold of me and I’m so sorry for that. I don’t argue with her but I want to say so bad to her, walk those 18months in my shoes, go through everything I did and tell me that you wouldn’t of done the same but I know that’s not fair.

 

I’m just finding it hard because there is no moving on for me. I love her and I love my daughter. I know Im the one who caused this but I just wish she would understand that I never did any of those things intentionally and I never once wanted to hurt her.

 

I understand I can’t expect her to ever forgive me but the guilt and shame coupled with the thought of never being a family again is so hard.

 

If there was ever a day I would slip it was today. But I’m thankful I came here to write this instead. I’m sorry if it makes no sense or it offends any of you who are partners of addicts but I needed to write this.

 

James

[pops88]

Hi James, I’m sorry to hear of your struggles, I am currently in the position your partner has been in, my husband left me and his 2 kids 10 weeks ago, he was a brilliant father & husband , his behaviour the last 6/7 months has been off, I felt something was wrong but had no idea it was cocaine , he was happy to let me believe he didn’t love me , I couldn’t understand as we where so close , best friends, it has all come to light now he has been using for about 4 years , I think heavy from June , & off the rails from nov/ dec, he won’t admit nothing denies everything, he knows I know now so has admitted he takes it the same as everyone else, I knew he took it the odd time , I had no idea until this last 6 weeks the havoc this stuff does to peoples life , can I ask you if he will ever realise about his family? & he is so cold, he is completely different, I really hope you your partner and daughter can be a family again???? talking to a few people I think I understand how hard it is to go off, be proud of yourself for that keep your daughter in your head every day, cos I bet she loves her daddy ???????? he told me he does love me but I’m better off without him, I was starting to ask questions about money & the long periods in the bathroom, my friends have a suspicion but didn’t want to bring it up, he was always complaining he was sick , I thought he was genuinely sick and maybe a bit run down , ????

[mellyons]

@pops88

You definitely will be better off without him.. so will I be better off without my husband who is addicted to cocaine & crack cocaine.

However, at times I think maybe there will be some way for me to cope with it. Maybe I can have some sort of separate life but still be able to love him as I do. Just “separately” some how. BUT.. I am so tired, and tired of the hurt it causes me. I just don’t even want to be around him. I have no trust in him.. I don’t believe anything he says. It really sucks to have to live like this.

I know and understand some of the reasons for the addiction .. but that doesn’t make my hurt go away.

Is there a way to separate my emotions from this and depersonalize it? Can I be a friend that can help him get through it and done with it?

What to do? Live in this unhealthy lifestyle? Get out and be without the man I love? God only knows.

There are so many unknown answers to these questions.

Then after all this thinking and praying and hoping.. I just want to be D.O.N.E.

But mostly I just want PEACE ❤️

 

 

[paw_x]

James,
You sound just like my partner. And her thoughts on you choosing cocaine over her sound just like me. And I understand that that might not be the case, I’ve listened to what he says, but that will always be how it feels.
5 years ago my partner was the same as you, also 3.5g every day, and I left him and would have said I’d never be able to go back, never thought I would want him again. But a year passed, and I went a little off the rails myself with the trauma, spent most the year partying and trying to block out the pain. After a year I felt like I had got myself back and he was always getting in touch every so often. Eventually he started taking me out for dinner and we kind of dated, taking it really slow, and ended up back together. So while your partner might not be able to now, maybe there’s still hope, but if not, I know she’d want you to continue being well and for you to get everything you want in life.
My story doesn’t have a happy ending as my partner relapsed last year, for almost a year, and whether I’ll be able to do it all again for a second time, I don’t know. But I don’t regret giving it a shot, as those three years were the best of my life, until the addiction took hold again.
Never say never but also don’t base your entire plans for sobriety around that chance, you have your daughter and hopefully you’ll see her more and more as she grows. Make that be enough and anything else is a bonus x

[thistim3]

James –

It is too scary to reconcile is my guess.  She still loves you, but she has found a safe place.  A place that she can trust.  It is very difficult to understand and accept that a person can change so much on drugs. I wish I could know what that walk actually feels like, but the risk is to great to try to find out – cocaine addiction. So, I have to accept your truth, which is too scary to accept. Scary is the best word that I have to describe this. It scares me so much. What is he capable of while addicted to cocaine? Fear of what could have happened and didn’t, but still could. It’s not a judgement of my addict – it is fear.  I knew him for years before – and then watched him become something awful while looking right at him. If that addict was me, then that is even more scary.  Then I would want to find a safe place too, a place I could trust.  So, I wish that for you.  I don’t have any answers, just the perspective of being in love with an addict.

[kulstar]

JamesB sorry to hear how you’re feeling and can simply only relate.

If theres one thing I’ve learnt over the last 14 months is that I can’t control the outcome, only the process. So, you can’t control whether or not you’ll have the same family set-up as before but you can control the process to achieve the outcome. Your energy should allow you to focus on not doing cocaine, on doing good in society, being that man your partner fell in love, being that man that your daughter adores.

Now I know that you want this today however what is that Sigmund Frued said? Maturity is the ability to postpone gratification. I also know you don’t need smart quotes thrown your way however there is so much truth in these quotes you only really know what they’re about once you experience it.

I’m sorry to hear about your parents and clearly effected your emotional state. JamesB I’m not being harsh or unsympathetic when I say this. Through your post there is still a certain amount of, I’ve been clean why is the world not landing at my feet. Truth is many individuals go through very difficult life events however don’t do cocaine – even those who have tried cocaine in the past. You’ve thought of doing coke, called the dealer, made the transaction, got the bag, crumbled the goods, lined it up, taken a card and a note out and taken that hit. You can see how many processes there are to this. Yes it’s as easy as ordering pizza these days as the saying goes but you’ve made these decisions. Every decision and action has consequences. You’re sadly living through these.

At the very start of my recovery journey I didn’t have expectations of where I’d end up 14 months month time, yes it’s been an absolute blessing and I’m very fortunate to live the life I do now. However, given all the usual behaviours while on Coke I fully accepted I made these decisions. I could only control what I would do for that minute, hour and day. Those days rolled into weeks into months and hopefully now into years. Tomorrow is never promised and I can only control today.

My thoughts are that rather than looking at what could you have, look at you do have. Set a plan of behaviours and actions that you can control. Whatever life holds for you will come to you. Yes, cocaine is an evil impulsive drug that plays on your deepest darkest weaknesses as it promises instant gratification but delivers hell but who knows what other factors could’ve come into play in your family. Your daughter is still happy and gets to see her Dad. She probably now has multiple holidays, multiple presents etc and you (as in your ex and yourself) get to inject all of your energy into your daughter as you share the time afforded. Full time parenting as you’ll know can be exhausting in itself!

You know my post is meant with good intentions and please see the good in what I’m trying to say.

[SaoirseJS]

Hi James,

I don’t really know where to begin this response, but finding your comments on a thread from over a year ago and still seeing you writing about your regret years later makes me feel very emotional.

This is your story but I feel impelled to tell mine here, to you, as the other side of a similar story. Up until yesterday, I had been in an on/off relationship with a man I love with all my being for coming up to two years. We broke up 4 times (including the final straw yesterday) in total. All of which was to do with the coke addiction and more often than not, speaking to other women during his times of being “on it” on any platform necessary, including cam girls, local girls on SnapChat, Instagram, cam girls, TikTokers (i must admit the latter does make me chuckle). It didn’t just happen four times, I can count around 30 times that I’m aware of at least… I love the number is much higher, but he worked away until December in another country, and when he was home our time together often had to fit around my own work schedule.

With each 1 of those 30+ times, my trust, self worth and self confidence was chipped away each time. I am now a broken woman, deflated, everything that I was before him no longer exists. Yet, my love for him is unwavering, which is why I kept returning, believing his words of change would mean these times could be put behind us.

In the midst of this, the accusations were turned on me. I can categorically say there has never been talking on my side to other “blokes”. The latest accusation was “who is Justin” – a lovely man I work with, asking how me and the baby was. But after I showed him those messages, proved my innocence for what felt like the thousandth time, he gave me the silent treatment for 48 hours. A couple days after, he asked if we were going to start talking again, although I had tried to encourage conversation before. This man made me feel as though I was crazy!

 

The man’s active addiction to coke not only tormented me emotionally by not feeling as though my proven innocence was accepted, but it caused me to move jobs multiple times. Not that I was dismissed, I felt like I had no choice but to keep changing jobs. First it was that I started work too early, the next job I was working too late and on my phone in the early hours (I worked 6 days a week, 1-11PM, the early hours was my time to unwind and catch up with my friends on Messenger who I hadn’t replied to in a little while due to work etc). So I moved to a job that was strictly 9-5, 5 days a week, in another city (i don’t drive) which meant my overall commuting day was around 12 hours out of the house. I thought this would be best, given that he was in Cyprus (within the armed forces), so 2 hours ahead. This meant I could speak to him and only him each day. I was fine with that, I was happy to make the sacrifice as I loved him (still do), with all my being. My excuse and also a real reason for changing jobs was to also save for a house together.

Life doesn’t always go to plan, I found out I was pregnant this time last year. I was infact already pregnant before I started this 9-5 job, so I was not entitled to maternity pay, I am currently on maternity allowance which is penny’s in the current climate. I seriously considered termination, after all, we had a massive bust up with his drug use at the beginning of April last year, the women etc. he had been on massive coke binges the times he had on leave the months before too. I’m talking 9 day benders, including getting coke dropped off to his parents home for him to sit and do it in bed whilst we watched peaky blinders and I fell asleep.

He always wanted a family, specifically a family with me. That was a major discussion point for him, where he would send long and lengthy messages of how he envisions this life together. Up until last April, I really believed the coke was recreational. I was a bit concerned about the major coke binge in the February, but he had a few birthday gatherings to go to, and had a very heavy working month previous, and he put it down to letting off some steam (although he was asking girls to meet at 4AM when he was off his face, no messages to me). That’s the worst part – this never happened when he was sober, never happened when he first started his night, always at 4AM when he couldn’t sleep and the drugs were gone. I guess it was mainly thrill seeking, but as this happened more and more, my confidence shattered. I thought “what is wrong with me” “am I this ugly” “am I that repulsive” etc, etc. I kept changing my look hoping to be more like all of these women (there was never any consistency though, some of these women were Jeremy Kyle rejects [sorry to be harsh here!]). In hind sight I guess that supports the thrill seeking, but because of what some of these women looked like, it made me feel even more devastated, because I felt even worse about myself. I am educated, am about to finish my Masters degree, and he is messaging 40+ women with broken homes, their own addictions, and salacious, but not exactly beautiful. Some were of course, which is why I thought it was me, but some weren’t (not that being beautiful is necessary). I just wanted to know why I was not a patch on any of these women. None at all. I was really bottom of the pile in his eyes, that’s how I felt anyway. Yet in the same breath, if we went out together, people would always speak to me in his local pub and tell me “wow you are too good for him” “you’re so beautiful” “you are so intelligent”. I like to speak to people, really just interesting conversations about life experiences, deep thoughts etc. this quickly stopped, because he didn’t like it and would give me the silent treatment all night. This would be to the point where even strangers had to ask his friends “why is he staring her out” “is she okay?” People pulled me to the side to ask if I was ok constantly! And I mean strangers too. Everyone there presumed he was abusive. I suppose mentally he was. I stopped going out to the pub or with anyone full stop. Obviously I used the excuse of being pregnant and not feeling comfortable or too tired to go out. I wasn’t really, I was still working my long days until I was 38 weeks pregnant, full time. In the summer of last year my days were 14 hours out of the house. I wish I had enjoyed my pregnancy more, but I was so conscious of making money.

I am going back to when he found out I was pregnant, end of April. He was elated! This was the happiest he’s ever been. He had just got posted back to Cyprus, but had said he’s so happy that he would love a beer with the lads to celebrate. Obviously I said yes, he was over the moon.

I was really unsure about being pregnant. The bust up in April was never really resolved, he had gone back for a solid 3 months of not seeing him and it felt like there was unresolved issues before even considering a baby. Anyway, a couple days after finding out I was pregnant, his first message of the day was “i fucked up”. My gut feeling those two days before was that he had got on coke. But this time he kept it from me. I asked how he fucked up, he said that he had just had to submit a drug test in (army protocol). He says he is bound to fail. He’s going to be kicked out of the army etc, family will kick him out, and so on. I had just started a new job fully aware that I would not be entitled to maternity pay. I was cross with him, asked why the family he wanted was not enough to just for one night not do it, funnily enough the night of the “sesh”, I categorically said for him to not do coke. He said he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t risk his family like this. But he did. I was devastated.

A couple days after the test, I told him not to worry. If he gets kicked out I’ll support him, I will look for a place etc until he finds his feet. There was a lot of arguing in May last year, he was flying accusations at me once again. Of course I have and would never have cheated on this man, after all I was prepared to have a baby with him. Something I do not take lightly, as I have terminated before (at 18) knowing that the previous potential father would not be around and that I had nothing to provide properly for this baby. My partner told me if I aborted this child, he would be heartbroken and never speak to me again, and that I would kill his unborn child, rob him of the family he wanted with me etc. so I went through with the pregnancy. This was something I was constantly 50/50 with throughout, even once my darling boy was born I felt so distraught and that I had brought this child into a terrible situation, and that my love might not be enough.

so to save more boring jargon, May, June and July last year was god-awful. We were not getting along, he would be paranoid constantly, on massive coke binges each weekend going out to Napa, strip clubs etc. I’m at home, pregnant, trying to get to grips with my new job. The beginning of July, I ended the relationship for the first time ever. I think this shocked him. He would go through his friends to speak to me, say he is sorry. Say that he loves me and our child so much and will still support us. I asked for space.

He went to a festival, where he of course got drugged up, not just on coke but other substances. He said he had an epiphany when he saw a young family there, and wanted to see me to discuss everything. So we got back together, on the condition that I block his friends who told me what he was saying about me, calling me really vulgar names, that I am toxic, controlling etc. I’ve never been controlling, I never once told him to not go out, and occasionally asked him to not do coke. I really wish I had, but I don’t think it would have stopped him going out to be honest. I still have so many “what ifs” from then, now. I know my story is still fresh, but I have so many unanswered questions from then, that he’s refused to answer all these months.

 

we got back together, went out in the august with a group of his friends – one of which was also pregnant. It was lovely, and felt like a real bonding moment. His friends all told me separately how he’s so excited to have a family with me, his dreams have come true etc. however, after a few hours of drinking, his mind turned to gear. He became curt with me, rude, dismissive. Told me to go to his parents house and he’ll be back later. His friend and his pregnant girlfriend dropped me off. They came back a couple minutes later and said to come to theirs, as they felt really bad about my partners behaviour. My partner didn’t like it, sent me a barrage of abuse. Told me he’s gone out of his way to buy me Chinese and that I’m a bitch to not be at his house and to not eat the food he bought. I came back about half hour after the final message, he was gone. His car was gone. He was drunk and intoxicated on coke, driving !

His mum came out, and asked what happened and why has he gone. I said “i don’t know, he told me to go, so his friends took me to theirs as he was wound up”. His dad then went to look for him. He wouldn’t answer our calls, his friends went to look for him. 2 hours later (2AM), he came home. Said he was suicidal. Announced to his parents I was pregnant. In their eyes it looked as though he was just scared of the situation. News to me! But I went with it. He apologised to me, slept with me, and we went to sleep. I woke up a few hours later (i was 18 weeks pregnant at the time), he was not in bed. I looked for him. He was outside in the garden in nothing but his boxers, smoking, looking so happy. I just looked at him and walked off. A few hours later, once his parents had gone to work. I asked who he was speaking to. He said it’s “not what you think”. He then said he was embarrassed to say, but it was just cam girls, it’s harmless, it’s porn, they are just “slags”. Firstly, these women are not slags, they are sex workers. I feel as though 1:1 conversations with cam girls, getting them to perform for you, having text conversations with them is far different to pornography. I was distraught, this man that cannot keep his hands off of me clearly has no sexual attraction towards me. He said it’s not the case, sex with me is the best, these women aren’t me, they are just slags etc. I left his home, furious, not wanting to speak to him.

his parents tried to negotiate with me, saying that their son adores me and worships the ground I walk on, he thinks the world of me and all the rest. Out of respect for them, I came to talk. We had an argument, I mentioned that we should just coparent, he didn’t like that. He either has his family with me or he wouldn’t be happy. I spent the night there, no intimacy. The next morning I left to go back to my parents home. He said that he had just realised I never gave him an answer as to whether we were together still. I broke down and just said I cannot do this anymore, I can’t deal with the coke, the person he becomes on coke etc. His friend (and pregnant girlfriend), said we should all get together. We did, we had a nice time. The next morning, my partner left for a deployment overseas for a month. He would constantly plead his love for me, it really felt like this was going back in the right direction, I thought “great!” This man cannot do drugs, nor drink. This will be amazing. He was so like the man I first fell for. He came home in September, and it was the first time he didn’t go out at all. He took me to work and picked me up everyday, even though he should have had lay ins, he made sure I was good first. He couldn’t have done more than enough for me, I loved that week so much. I really thought this was the beginning of our future. When he left for work again, he was cold. I felt like I had stopped him having a life outside of me, I could feel his resentment towards me.

The next time he came home, despite saying it would be all about me and baby, he made the focus around his friends, where he could do coke again. To make it clear, he was always around coke, both at home and at work. His mum slapped him for how he was behaving, both his parents were majorly disappointed. December he came home, for good. He left the army. I was hesitant, for the whole time before the baby, he had insisted on marrying me so that we could have our family together and we would live on camp with him. Since being pregnant, that was no longer an option in his eyes. Financially this was the most viable reason! Nevertheless, whilst balancing my full time job at 34 weeks pregnant, I was rushing to find a rental. I had managed to get it all sorted, but his grandmother offered her property she rents out. We decided to go with that, but couldn’t move in until after my son was born. My home life at my parents is overcrowded, and my dad is a functioning alcoholic. Sometimes being at home is worse than anything, but I thought once we were in the new place, it would be ok.

the second breakup came a week before my son was born. I had gone on my Christmas work meal with my work colleagues. He kept phoning me, once I had left my colleagues in a bar (I was 38 weeks pregnant, tired, and the only sober one) I answered to a coke-fuelled barrage of abuse. I hung up, and was in tears. Once I had gotten into my brothers car, I answered his call again. He told me that he knows he hasn’t been the best, but he is here for me and baby now. I said “that is fine, and I’m not intentionally pushing you out, but you say a lot and don’t really do anything with your words. I’m scared of being dependent on you again”. It ended up in a massive argument, where it finally came out he had spoken to his ex some while back, even though he had denied it up until this point. Partly due to my diagnosed severe perinatal depression, and hormones, I ended the relationship. we had very limited contact, although by Christmas Eve it was almost back to old times. We were supposed to be having Christmas with all of his family, but due to the breakup I was no longer going. He had spent all of that week before my son was born, coked up. Even on Christmas Day! On Boxing Day, heavily pregnant, I think the hormones got to me. Why did this man put me through so much heart ache? I wanted answers. It ended in a massive row, and we stopped speaking. That night at around 11, I started going into Labour. I was in denial until about 7AM, even after my waters had broke at 5AM all over the living room floor. I mopped it up secretly, and only told my mum about the Labour when she was awake at 7. This was the worst time possible. My partner and I were not speaking, I was still under the crisis team for 24 hour suicidal support (yes, it was so bad to the point where therapists and support staff kept coming to my parents address). I had to go to the resources centre and mental health unit to check in daily otherwise they had no choice but to make sure I hadn’t killed myself. Now, I can’t say all of this was due to him, but my partners actions with coke really had me to my breaking point.

my mum phoned the maternity unit, and they told me to come there as soon as I could. I got a quick bath ( I couldn’t bare to have my fluids over me!), but after that it was a downward spiral into active labour. My blood pressure was so low, I couldn’t stand up. On top of that I felt really suicidal. My ex partner had no idea this was going on as I had no energy to try talk to him, and I don’t think anyone but myself knew how close I was to giving birth. I gave birth quite quickly, too quick for my ex to get there. He insisted I did this on purpose, obviously he was on a comedown. When he finally got to my parents, I was on my parents bed, bleeding out, paramedics considered an air ambulance for both me and my baby, as his cord was stuck for a while, and without being dramatic, I was losing so much blood after the birth that I was losing consciousness. I passed out 3 times, one of which I smacked my head on the unit. The paramedics advised my mum once I left that I would have to go to theatre and that they have no choice but to give me a blood transfusion. They advised she get to the hospital immediately as it wasn’t looking good. Luckily I was ok once I got to hospital. My ex was in sheer shock at what was going on, he broke down saying he can’t believe what’s just happened, and that he is so sorry what he put me through. I really believed this might be a turning point for him with the drugs. I’ll save the boring parts as I don’t want this to come across as a woe is me sort of thing, but those first few weeks were perfect. We coparented really well, our little bubble was perfect. He said all of the right things. All the while he was going back home each evening to get off his face on gear. I had no idea of this, he swore on our sons life he had not. I have found out since that his own mum found gear multiple times during this, I felt betrayed that I had no idea.

we got back together end of January, moved in together, I thought it was perfect. He said he was the happiest man in the world to have his family together. He was out of work though, and took very little interest in finding a job. All the while, he was having coke binges with different friends in our home, when I had taken our son to my mums for an overnight stay. The perfect dad was no longer around, I thought it was just a lot for him to handle, I had no idea he was doing gear multiple times a week still as he hid it from me. Until I found packets and receipts for cash withdrawals of 100 pounds here, 100 pounds there. The money I had sent him from my dismal 600 pound a month maternity allowance, was going towards gear. He had spent £400 in two days on the stuff. I was furious, but we resolved it with a mediation from his friend who said he wants us to be together.

a few weeks later, when I was out for the day visiting family so they could meet my son for the first time, he made excuses again as to why he couldn’t meet this extended family. He had gone to the pub for a “quick drink”, which I understood was anxiety (which in his defence, he does have undiagnosed severe anxiety, which I believe should be medicated from my own personal experience). He had gone out for a couple hours, and his friend dropped him home. In the space of half an hour of his friend dropping him home and me coming back, he had arranged for gear to be dropped off at our family home. I was distraught! Countless times I had given him the ultimatum of “i will leave if you do this again”. I never did. I loved him and wanted our life together. But this time I had hit what I was thought was my last time. I regretfully slapped him multiple times, and kicked him out. Told his mum to collect him. His parents were furious, but the next day, sat down with him to talk about this all. His problems started in the army. They set up a meeting with a rehab centre. The day he attempted to sort this gear, I had wrote a letter, a CV and an email to a rather great local company, for him to get a job. He was offered an interview before he went for this quick drink, in my mind that drink was to celebrate! But no. Rather than things starting to look up for him; he was still choosing coke. Despite kicking him out, I made sure his suit for the interview was ready and sent his mum pointers for him to do well in the interview which was a couple days after I kicked him out. He got the job, I thought this was the break he needed, as he had said that “not having a job” was his reason for doing gear this time.

he quickly dropped the counselling sessions, as he said now he has a job and has cut both coke AND alcohol out of his life, he can do it with my support and his family’s support. I let him back in the family home mid March this year. These last 6 weeks has been great, he didn’t touch a drop of alcohol, no drugs. Felt like the man I loved was back, and our family could move on.

an army friend asked to see him again a couple days ago. I was hesitant I must say. I was scared of him going out. But I didn’t want to push him away by being controlling, so I encouraged him to go out. He got coked up, stayed overnight in a different city, in a different county, and tried to come in the house at lunch time on Sunday. I was furious, I had locked him out, I couldn’t bare to see him for I was devastated. I told his mum that I will leave tomorrow (yesterday). So yesterday came around, I have him blocked on everything, his mum advises that he is happy to help me move my things out of the place. I had poured what little money I had into making this home as lovely, cosy and homely as possible. I would wake up at 5 AM with a 4 month old each morning to make his lunches for work, do his washing, do the chores, care for our son, make dinner for when my partner got home each day. I felt like he was just letting me leave. It became heated yesterday with both him and his mum. He called me crazy. Said I was upsetting our son from shouting. My son was crying because I was in tears through frustration. They both accused me of talking to “blokes”. That is a categorical lie, and I knew his mum was just quoting him when she said “blokes”. The woman I confided in, showed evidence of him speaking to other women to, etc was now against me. I think above everything else, her accusing me of speaking to a other men was really the worst part. I feel like deep down she knows it’s not true, but he’s turned her against me. She was really cold, as was he. She accused me of encouraging my partner to go out, despite saying on Saturday night that I can’t stop him going out… him doing coke is a “slip up”. I was out of order to kick him out, that my emotional outburst was toxic and that I cannot stay in the family home whilst this was going on. Neither of them tried to comfort me at all whilst I was upset, but once they had taken my belongings along with my sons things to my parents home, my partners mum broke down crying to my mum. She admitted his addictions would be a long road. I truly believe he will not recover. I am distraught. He has defamed my character, when he knows it’s not true, his mum knows it’s not true. Their cold behaviour was obscene. I am still in shock this morning after what happened yesterday. Every time his mum was aware of his coke sessions and sometimes engaging with other women, she stuck up for me. This time she was directing all her anger towards me. I understand as a parent, she wants her child to be healthy and happy. But to allow someone else’s child to cripple in pain at the pain caused by her son… that’s one of the most upsetting things. I’m now back at my parents, where I don’t particularly want to be, but I have no choice quite frankly. I feel as though I’ve been left emotionally strangled, financially depleted, and I am obviously my sons sole carer. He’s allowed to have his family home to himself, where he can slip up as many times as he wants, have drugs in the home. The home my son could potentially be going to. For the mean time, if he chooses to see his son, I will be asking for it to be at his parents, under supervision. I don’t know what is going to be happening at our family home any more, as his mum told me to give up my key. Her words to my mum were “i have to support my son”. People are so ready to be patient with the addict, and I once was the same. To a degree, I still have that patience for my now ex partner. But after giving him my last ultimatum yesterday, saying that if he lets me and our son leave now, we won’t come back. He said nothing to this. Said nothing to my mum as he moved the belongings into the family home. Nothing. I have deleted my Facebook and messenger account (the only social media accounts have), so his friends can’t keep tabs on me. In the past they have been his messengers, along with his parents. his number is still blocked. I keep toying with the idea of unlocking so I can speak to him again. But he let me leave. He was still in his victim mentality. His mum said that he did the coke this time because he felt unloved by me. His actions throughout has made me feel unloved, to the point where I feel just an option to anyone. I now have to navigate coparenting and child maintenance through his mum, the mum that I had an amazing relationship with up until yesterday. What’s almost funny is that on the day he went out to see his former army friend, I was out with his mum, my mum and my son. It was a lovely day, spoiled by him. I was supposed to see my own friends the following day, but couldn’t, as he didn’t get back to our home in time.

I hate how this wonderful man, the perfect man, has become so selfish in his actions. His lack of emotion or remorse has cut me to the point where I feel suicidal again. Unlike him, I don’t have the luxury of going off the rails despite my mental health. My son needs me, I am his sole carer. I felt like a single mum when me and my partner were together in the same roof. I was mothering two people.

I apologise for the lengthy message, I guess I am just trying to get my thoughts out there as up until now no one really knows much of my story. I feel embarrassed. Embarrassed that I wasn’t enough. Embarrassed our little family he so desperately wanted, wasn’t enough. I am writing this to you James because it really struck a chord in me to hear your side. His side. The other side of the coin. To know you are in deep regret about what you have lost to your illness (addiction) I suppose selfishly gives me some peace. I just want him to know how much it has broken me. I know in the long run, I will be ok. But I will never be the same again. If it gives you any peace of mind James, there will always be a huge part of me that longs to be with my partner again. The man I love is perfect: he was the only man I wanted a child to. I imagine your ex partner feels the same. I hope we both get the outcomes we want, but if we don’t, we will still be okay. Sending hugs to you and everyone effected, this is horrible…

[thistim3]

SaoirseJS:  Hugs.  I have read your message here, numerous times.  I was also pregnant and alone with our first child.  We deserve our own website!  Congratulations on the birth of your precious child, SaoirseJS. ❤️

[faw2]

I’ve recently split with my ex and we have a 12 week old baby, when she was 3 weeks old he had a break down which was caused by his alcohol and drug addiction. Long story short when I first met him I was oblivious to the fact he had a drug addiction and was using cocaine and ketamine daily he came clean about it after  being in the relationship for around 6 months and stressed how he wanted to quit so anyway I supported him was under the impression he had however he still drank excessively most nights but I genuinely believed his words that he’d quit there’s never really any problems in our relationship he genuinely was the loveliest person I’d ever been with everyone around me also loved him. Last October I fell pregnant we both wanted a baby so we were both over the moon around 3 months into the pregnancy we had discussions on what we needed to do to prepare for the baby it felt like he had not much interest and I was made to feel like I was over reacting with my pregnancy I had really bad sickness and with him drinking every night I just couldn’t stand the smell of beer this caused me to become distant I felt like I found it hard to be affectionate I was left to do everything to a point I was painting the whole house to prepare for the baby heavily pregnant  and he would be out drinking I was quite chilled in the fact I never wanted to stop however I did stress it needed to change or be reigned in. In February then he lost his driving license to being excessively over the limit and things just got worse. His mental health went down hill it caused huge strain with his job getting back and forth and he just drank even more he started lying about finances would always be short of money and I was basically keeping him I suspected he was using drugs again, I was close to my due date and things still needed to be sorted and again lied were told about money and it came to light he was in huge huge huge amounts of debt with 2 weeks left of pregnancy I was so angry I did say some horrible things and called him a few not very nice things he admitted many of times his drinking was bad but he denied drugs, the 2 weeks leading up to giving birth I wasn’t to good and kept asking him to not get to drunk as I could go into labour any time I have another daughter from a previous relationship who I went into early labour with so stressed this could happen again anyway he didn’t listen and the night before I went into labour he sat at home on his own and got drunk the next day I went into labour extremely fast ( 3 hours from pains starting to giving birth ) he was nursing a huge hangover and I suspected a come down. The first week the baby was here we were in our baby bubble things were perfect then he went back to work and he started drinking again I said I didn’t mind however just to cut it down a bit he’s part of a pool team and this is where he would go a few times a week to drink or to the pub after work, when the baby was 2 weeks old he came home from work absolutely out of it I was annoyed and it resulted in a huge argument and him trying to leave the house with the baby he didn’t but did get a big hands on with me when I stopped him, anyway he stayed at his nans all weekend and on the Sunday he came back I stressed I was finding it hard to be in the relationship and he begged me to stay we had a conversation that evening about the baby’s last name and I wanted it doubled barrelled this sent him into melt down. The following Thursday I needed to go out when he got home from work he finished work late so we literally said hi and bye he face timed me then and I suspected he was drinking he admitted he was so I came straight home when I got home he was very drunk and told me I took away his masculinity he couldn’t support us he felt like a waste of space and that we’d be better off without him and stormed out a few hours later we found him he tried to commit suicide by hanging him self he has previously done this before our relationship and it was when his drug abuse was bad. His sister is a support worker so she went with him to the hospital after he was discharged I said I didn’t want him at the house I was extremely angry that I was left with a 3 week old baby and he’d done all this, his sister suggested until we got to the bottom of it he has supervised contact with her I said I was agreeable until a hair drug test was done to detect if he’d been using drugs again leading up to his break down he wanted to do a saliva and I said no due to the time scale few days later he came back with a negative saliva test I was furious his sister turned on me I can only assume he admitted to her he was on drugs again, she used her power to manipulate me so I said he could see the baby in a contact centre she took her power threatened for me not to be able to take the baby to our planned trip to our family home in Spain that my ex partner was also supposed to come on before all this happened and that they were taking me to court, next thing you know I have an emergency court order for child abduction we get to the court and he no longer objects to me going away however just wants contact I stressed I never ever denied contact l, he admitted to being on drugs again and having an alcohol problem however hasn’t used since the suicide attempt. He made up horrendous lies about that I financially abused him that I emotionally abused him when we argued about his debt that I tried to control him when I never he lied and said I did drugs when pregnant I’m quite a straight person I very rarely drink, we had our first proper hearing for contact last week he is having co tact supervised every Saturday and we have to go back once he’s done a hair drug test in a few months and has proved he’s off the drugs and drink. I’m just heart broken I did everything to support him and just asked for honesty he lied so much to me. Even my dad was helping him to get qualified to come and work off shore as an engineer with him, it seems I’m the one to blame he holds so much anger towards me and I can’t get my head around why? I don’t know if I’m mourning the fact I have a new born baby and i wanted a happily little family and it’s torn apart I keep thinking will he ever regret it does he genuinely think I’m this awful person is he bothered he’s missing her being so young an limited to how much time the courts have given him

[sjl1987]

Hi James

 

I’ve been reading your post and I could do with some advise

[jamesb]

Hey mate, I hope you’re okay.

Of course, you can ask me anything

 

James x

[Khb86]

Reading all of your stories is frightening in how we are all in such similar situations.. I’ve been dealing with my partners cocaine addiction for 3 years now, he is currently on day 8 of a binge.. I have never sought help online before but I am really struggling with all of this in the last 6 weeks as I have also found out other things that I never thought he’d do to me. The abuse this week has been unreal. Everything is my fault. I am trying really hard to research and understand addiction so I can regulate myself in how to react when he is abusive but God, it is hard. I’m tired. I’m frightened. On edge constantly, walking on egg shells and trying to look after a Yr old and a 4 month old. I don’t really know why I’m writing this, I suppose in the hope that someone has made a success of getting help and being happy? Hope is all I am clinging on to at the moment x

[Lozzy80]

Hi khb86

I’m sorry you are going through this too and I don’t have a happy ending to share although after 6 long years of husbands addition spiralling out of control I am now very very slowly clawing back control of my own life.

 

Please focus on your needs, get help for you, do it for your children’s sake..

 

Wishing you all the best xx

[Khb86]

Thank you. I’m sorry that you had no choice but to start over but pleased you are finding ways to rebuild your life.. my partners addiction has been ongoing for the best part of 10 years.. although we’ve been together for 3, we’ve only lived together full time for about 18months.. before we lived together I didn’t really appreciate the severity of his addiction, sounds a bit naive really. I knew he was an addict, don’t get me wrong, but as we had separate homes it never really affected me that much other than not hearing for him for a few days at a time and plans etc being missed. I never saw him in the states I do now.. sometimes he can go up to 6 weeks without using.. and sometimes it’s every couple of weeks for maybe 2 -3 days, sometimes less. This time, for whatever reason it was 8 nights, 7 days. I don’t know how he’s still alive really.. last year he had a huge accident while driving under the influence, which resulted in him being airlifted to hospital and in a coma.. he’s spent months off work in the summer which impacted his mental health even more than it was already.. he suffered life changing injuries and i really thought that would be a wake up call for him. But no, we then had our son and when he was born it was 6 weeks of bliss! But then it started again… I’m not sure why the binge this time lasted so long but it is awful to see someone not care about anything other than getting their next bag! The abuse I have gotten this time has been unreal and he didn’t appreciate the boundaries I set (I locked him out, away from the children) I’ve never set boundaries before.. does this help? I’m at a loss!

[Lozzy80]

The boundaries are for our own sanity and safety .. it won’t stop them I don’t think …like you say he’s suffered some severe consequences and important life events and even then he won’t stop ..

I haven’t quite got out of stuff just yet but I am making baby steps…. Applying for new jobs, arranging days/weekends away with friends etc ..he knows now he won’t be number 1 in my life until hes earned it … And I’m very very close now to leaving and feel more calm and rational about it

[SaoirseJS]

Hi everyone,

I am back again! He made two blips since we got back together last July.

this time round he was doing everything right, meds for his mental health, weekly counselling with the well-being team. He has been keeping up with that since my last big post here! But he still had a blip yesterday. This time I kept my cool, packed his things and told him to go to his parents. I plan to slowly move back to my mum and dads so I can at least rebuild my life again.

this time round I am strangely calm. I almost feel like I do not care. I do. I love him. But I’m tired of being angry and sad. Being with an addict, you have to live everyday waiting for the next relapse. People will always be addicts. You have to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life waiting for the next relapse when your world falls apart.

I used to have a very liberal view to drugs. But seeing the evil cocaine has done to this man I love, I cannot stand it.’

I am just putting this here to maybe help someone else out if they are battling with their hearts whether to stay or not. I’m certain some people really can pack the drugs or other addictions for good. But so many more will always stay trapped in the relapse cycle. I can feel in my gut when it’s going to happen. His mood shifts. The demons are in his head. Lo and behold, it happened.

I am not angry anymore, I am just done. I cannot spend my life like this. It’s not fair. I don’t want this being “normal” for my son anymore. I’ve actually enjoyed being on my own with my son today. I feel weirdly hopeful for a future without the man I love. That’s why I think I may actually stick to my guns this time and stay separated from this man. I know it’s an illness. But I also believe that all addicts have a choice too. I’m tired of it. I am not angry. I am just done.

[Lozzy80]

Sounds like you have reached your decision, when you can imagine a future free of them and it fills you with hope then you know you’re doing the right thing

I think I’m not far off making that decision…made it once before but I was still very much in love with him and missed the old him/us… Where as we are much further on down the line now , there’s been very few happy moments in recent years  to keep me here anymore …just constant turmoil, drama, fights, dispair  and loneliness

I wish you all the best for a peaceful happy future, free from the chaos !

[SaoirseJS]

Lozzy,

This morning I don’t feel so strong. I don’t know what to do… I do want to leave. I’ve read so many of your posts, and realise you feel the same.

but it’s so hard isn’t it!!! I don’t want to give up on him, but I also feel that this could go on until he’s too old to do it anymore, by then, I may not even be here anymore! If I move back to my mum and dads (for the second time), I most definitely would not come back. It’s too much to put my son through I think – not that he will remember, but he’s just over 1 now and I think he will definitely understand the change in his own little way.

I do not know what to do!!!! When you love someone it hurts to leave. I’m still not angry, I still feel emotionally done and checked out. But if I leave, there will be no coming back. But if I stay, I will have to put up with this for a long time. 🙁

 

sending love xx

[m]

Hey Saoirse,

I sent this to Lozzy the other day. May hemp you too:

you should join co anon, for families of cocaine and other kind altering substances. they have zoom meetings on 5 times a week, u can get yourself a sponsor, make new friends who you can reach out to and work the 12 steps to re gain some sanity and clarity.

I’ve been in the meetings 3 weeks and already feel so much calmer and clearer. And most of all not alone anymore.

Type in co anon then click meetings and choose one for the day u wanna join on zoom, u can call one of the numbers on there next to meetings for more information. It’s the family version for cocaine anonymous

xx

[SaoirseJS]

Hey M,

 

thank you so much for this, I am going to check it out! I don’t know what to do anymore it’s embarrassing when he’s on that stuff he tries to add different women, this time though it was one of my friends girlfriend. She’s gay! So obviously not interested, but it’s just the fact if that happened, what else did…. I’m so tired of it. I want to move back to my mum and dads but we have so much here and I don’t drive either! Otherwise I think I would feel more inclined to grow a pair and move out. I had to start all over again last year and I hate that I’ll end up doing that again xx

[Author]

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