[tigerbabby78]

Hi

I am new to this so thank you for reading.

I feel very alone and I can feel my mood becoming very low. I’ve been with my partner for 8 years we have a 7 year old son. My partner used to smoke alot of cannabis which he repeatedly told me had stopped only to realise this wasn’t the case. On one occasion he became very aggressive when I confronted him and smashed up our flat; shortly after he told me had stopped and then I found a letter which detailed a penalty notice for possession of drugs. This became more pertinent as we were trying to emigrate to Australia. He then told me he would stop for good, shortly after this we discovered he had kidney failure brought on by his misuse of drugs. (He has used crack, Heroin, pills, coke in the past ) I thought thank god this will be the shock he needs. About a year later I found out he was smoking cannabis again after I found it in our kitchen. He promised he would stop again after I left to stay with my mum. I returned, over a couple of years things were ok. I noticed periods of him being very irritable and moody and being tired but this down to his illness. There was nothing else untoward, his dad then gave us money to put a deposit on a house earlier this year so we purchased a house.

The day before we were due to complete on the house we were in the kitchen and I found a bag of cocaine on the floor. It all came out, every night when I was in bed or sleeping on the sofa or at work he was snorting £100 a night on cocaine. On nights I was working he would go in the shed with his friends whilst our son was in bed and smoke cannabis and snort cocaine.

He told me one shift I came home early as I was unwell and he got 6 lines ready to snort and hid them under the sofa. There have been lots of other things but that’s the basics.

He is going to support groups now and hadsn’t used cocaine for 6 months but I don’t feel I could ever trust him again and I feel for our little boy who has inadvertently been very vulnerable because of his drug addiction. I resent him for what he has done and I feel like a complete idiot for believing him over the years. I’m sorry I guess I just feel like I need to write this down as I don’t really have anyone to talk to.

[paula]

Hi Tigerbabby, I’m so sorry to hear your story and wish I had a magic wand! I am a mother of a 23 year old addict and can truly empathise with you, I’m afraid I have lost that trust too in my son. I think you have done amazingly well as it’s the hardest thing watching someone destroy themselves and their family with seemingly no regard for anything but themselves and their addiction. I phoned a helpline yesterday and they said that an addict is only really in love with their drug of choice and whilst they may care about you deep down they can’t really for relationships. Sorry you have no one to talk to, I don’t really talk to anyone about it, there’s such a stigma isn’t there?

It sounds like you have made your decision and i personally think that feeling angry is a positive step. You don’t deserve this and you have to look after you and your son x

[tigerbabby78]

Thanks for the reply. Sorry to hear about your son, it must be tough as a mum to have to see your son struggle with addiction.

I would agree with that the drug becomes more important than anything or anyone. Wish that we could make them see, such a selfishness and defensiveness comes with addiction which makes it so hard to bear.

Yes lots of stigma it almost feels as though when I try and speak to people I’m looked at as the one with the problem! Feel like I have to apologise which is absolutely ridiculous. I have never been an anxious person but I feel anxious every day, I panic everytime the door goes think is it a drug dealer or something xx so hard to deal with. It’s like that are tornadoes causing chaos on their wake as they go xx

[Author]

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