Self employed and feel like I can’t work without cocaine

Kt1979

1 replies

Self employed and feel like I can’t work without cocaine

I am self employed and the victim of domestic abuse financial and emotional by my exhusband.

 

Unbeknown to me and after seeking professional help for my mental health after we had separated, was I educated about narccicits and the type of abuse.

On our 1st wedding anniversary my whole world was shattered by being informed by someone else’s husband of his activities, this then saw a flood of other things with further women.

At this point I started to use cocaine in order to numb my feelings and to get away from it all.

 

My business collapsed as I was unable to cope with everything that was going on in my personal life and went AWOL from my work, seeing me loose most of my clients.

In addition I lost most of my friends as I cut off from them.

 

My cocaine use increased and increased.

I now feel like I can’t work unless I do cocaine, which is dependent on money.

One of my contracts pays me weekly, so I do no work until a Thursday afternoon.

 

I am not productive when using, I get work done but I’m very easily distracted, focusing on things that are not important.

I am in debt not only from the effects of my exhusband but now because of my addiction.

 

I hate doing it, I hate that I feel like I can only work with it.

I have now registered with the local addiction service and seeking professional help with my mental health again.

But how do you, or where do you start at rebuilding not only your life but your work life and getting back into that routine.

 

I have written so many lists, habit trackers, started bullet journals, diary’s, online calendars.

But I ignore them all and sit on the couch watching TV, until I get paid again to buy some stuff.

I read endless ideas on focusing, motivation, routines, planning. Then I end up not working and focusing on these things.

There must be someone out there who has 1 simple step that helped them or has been in a similar situation.

I am good at what I do and my clients were mostly from recommendations from existing clients or they used me when they moved to another company.

I have lost all of them as I let them down missed deadlines, didn’t stay in contact or reply to emails.

I was financially comfortable and earned good money, I had savings, paid all my bills and had almost cleared all of my debts.

I am so fed up of being anxious about when money will be coming in so as to feed the monster inside me so that I can work.

It is so easy for people to say just stop.

I am awaiting to be tested for ADHD but still have 2 more years on the waiting list.

My friend gave me some ADHD medication a couple of years ago and my mind has never been so quiet, the cravings were gone, I felt balanced for the first time in a long time

I have tried to research for supplements that help in place of ADHD medication. I have tried NAC and it didn’t really help.

Any suggestions would also be really appreciated.

As you can probably tell I am all over the place and just feel so alone and like I am the only person struggling with all these things.

 

 

  • jamesb
    Participant

    Hiya mate, I’m james, I used to be fairly active on here but haven’t been for a while as I relapsed myself and felt it was hypocritical of me to offer advice when I wasn’t in a stable place myself but I saw this post when it went up and wanted to reach out but wasn’t sure if I should. But seeing you haven’t had a response yet I’m going to do my best.

    Firstly, as I always say, I’m not a professional, I am just a man who unfortunately has lived through the entirety of cocaine addition and I hope that in some way I can use my experiences to In some way help others. Secondly please do not take offence to anything I say as I mean everything from the best place and having been through it all myself I hope you can understand that I know the dark truths we don’t like to admit.

     

    I’m really sorry you went through what you did with your partner, it is awful and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I had a very similar thing happen to myself.

    When you was heartbroken, you did the same thing people do when they have a headache or toothache. You took a drug to ease the pain. But unlucky paracetamol cocaine comes with its own problems.

    I could, if you like go alot deeper into the process and how it grips a person to the point they are almost just a tenant within their own body, unable to hang onto the morals and values that made them who they was and through this, make decisions they once never would have dreamed of or start to act In ways they never once would (like yourself letting down clients) but I’ll save that for if you want to get jnto it.

    What I want to say to you is, yes what happend to you was awful and no one should ever judge you for how you chose to deal with your pain but the person you truly are is still within you. You are still the hardworking trustworthy, capable person you always have been. Please don’t allow the trauma you went through win. You have grieved, you have made mistakes but you have realised you have and that tells me you still have enough strength in you to fight this.

    Do not let that guy win, I know how hard it is to wake up and face the world and feel like cocaine is the only thin that will get you through the day but we both know the days you are on it are not in any way enjoyable.

    Look at your self in the mirror and ask yourself are you going to let everything you have worked for over the years be taken away? Take it day by day. Show yourself you are still that strong person. Show yourself you still have it in you.

    Stop looking for ways to ease the pain and face it head on like the person you was before cocaine would have and be proud of the person you are.

    Don’t worry about what everyone else around you thinks of you. Ask them to walk a day in your shoes and see if they would still judge you the same.

    The only thing that beats addiction is love and in your case I belive it is self love.

    You need to know you deserve a better life, you need to know you are capable of getting that better life and you need to know that no matter what life throws at you, you are still strong enough to get through it. Of course it isn’t going to be easy, if it was we would be here talking about it but ask yourself do you want to spend the rest of your life putting a plaster over the things that heart you whilst easing the pain with a packet or are you ready to show the world what you are made of?

     

    Go out there and do yourself proud. If you stubble, don’t give up. Go again and again until you are proud of the person in the mirror.

     

    You got this champ. And if you need anything at all or want to ask me any questions I’m scrolling through these forums most days.

     

    Stay strong

    James x

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