[vj7489]

Hi everyone. I am new to this, the situation and the forum. I have a 16 year old daughter who in February I found out had been smoking cannabis. At the time she was studying for her GCSE’s, her behaviour at school was appalling and she was on the verge of being expelled. I did this stupid thing of stating that I would not have drugs under my roof and that if she wanted to go down that path she could move out. The following evening she came home even more stoned than before which I took as an “up yours mum” so I threw her out. She went to her dads. Lockdown happened, I phoned her every day and she came to stay regularly, but she did stay at dads, and she did lay off the drugs as she couldn’t go out. Now she is back in the thick of it, she’s now progressed onto pills and maybe other stuff I’m not aware of. She has had a few emotional meltdowns (following a heavy night) where she has stated she is very unhappy. She is now seeing a drug counsellor once a week and is 3 weeks in. It’s been arranged for us to have some mediation. I also told her I wanted her home. So I have accepted she takes drugs, I have allowed her to continue with this, although I am not funding it. But whenever she doesn’t want to abide by the house rules, curfews etc, she goes AWOL, stays at dads or friends. She refuses to answer my calls or texts so I’m often going to bed worried out of my mind. Her dad has a completely different parenting style to me, she prefers being there as he has no boundaries, he gives her money, easier than spending time with her. But they fight a lot, when she’s there for solid periods of time I often get messages from him saying he’s thrown her out and she’s not welcome, which is why I wanted her home mostly, I don’t want her to be subject to this and thought I could manage it, but seems she would rather have that than live by my rules (I’m not talking strict rules here, just being in by 12 each night). I feel exhausted by the constant worry, each day I feel different about the situation, anger that she cant just tow the line and stay in touch, sadness that she feels so bad about her life that she wants to block it all out. Somedays I want to fight for her and some days I think let her get on with it. Any advice or pearls of wisdom would be appreciated. Thanks

[bt1978]

Hey

That’s a tough gig, well done for posting.

Firstly you need support yourself if you are to get to grips with this, the forum is a good place to start.

Can I ask what pills she is taking

[vj7489]

Hey,

She’s admitted to taking MDMA & Mandy. I believe just all different forms of ecstasy pills. That was weeks ago now, it could well have progressed to other stuff. If she’s happy to try anything, where will she stop?

Thank you for replying, I am constantly reading and trying to learn. Reading these blogs, I see I am very much not alone in this!!

[bt1978]

Is she receptive to sitting down and talking to you?

[vj7489]

Shes not a big talker and it very much depends on her mood. She has agreed to mediation with me which we are doing in a few weeks time, but for now I am stuck in this nightmare….after an altercation on the phone over the weekend because at 11pm at night I hadn’t heard from her – if she was coming home or going dads, she refused to answer my calls or come home for days. Just heard from her yesterday by text saying hi. Now she’s calmed down or not high, she will grant me some contact. Madness. How do you parent?! I’ve spent the week in tears just feeling helpless.

[bt1978]

Hmmm, my kids are younger but I am a recovering addict and alcoholic so I know where all this Can lead to.

I think the approach you are taking is right – if you push it too far you could lose contact and then you won’t have any oversight good or bad and that is painful for a parent.

What really needs to be understood is the root of all this and what is driving it. Are you and the husband putting on a united front

[vj7489]

That’s my fear, pushing too much so I lose all contact. But she’s 16 and giving her all this freedom just feels wrong.

Her dad and I aren’t together, he was a heroin addict (my daughter doesn’t know this). His brother was the same, so this has always been on my mind, is it hereditary? We aren’t united but he will be joining the mediation, we need to align on boundaries. I ask her to be home at a certain time, he doesn’t so she stays at his. I wont give her money/cash, I will buy her clothes etc, he gives her a lot of money.

The root cause…it could be anything, I have a few ideas. She says she just hates life, she’s hiding. But I’m hoping the drug counsellor she is seeing will help her identify this.

[bt1978]

Nature vs nurture… Can’t tell you how many times this has been asked!! It’s different for everyone tbh…

[vj7489]

lets pray for nurture!! Thanks for responding 🙂

[bt1978]

Keep posting here. The more info you can share the more suggestions I can put out

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