[gixxer06]

I previously replied to DanMan about his experience of relapsing after 4 months and took heart from all the positive responses and direction which was given to him by people on this forum which has to be truly commended. I thank you for taking your time to read and in some cases bear some of the burden.

My story is very similar, it’s the relapses which are destroying my life and everyone that is attached to me including my wife, 3 children, parents and lots of other family members including younger members of the family like nieces and nephews who are now privy to my episodes.

Since my last episode which took over 4 nights and 5G of coke with sleeping tablets I’ve certainly managed to stay off it even though I’ve literally been dreaming of taking it and just trying to change focus in any which way I can. Daft as it sounds when the craving gets heavy and constant I have to put the phone down cos every little thing will translate into taking coke. A story in the press about a seizure, a celebrity with a new handbag…. Yes daft as it sounds I will somehow see the word ‘bag’ and a whole reel of film will begin to play in my mind… just from something so innocuous and trivial.

My life seems to some degrees be so perfect from the outside, stable job, cars, big house, children, good health yet this turmoil unbeknown to anyone keeps churning away and has done since the first time I tried it on my 28th Birthday.

I’ve deleted all numbers and contacts but when the inevitable slide happens I must have the intelligence and resourcefulness of an SAS elite tactical superhuman such is the voracity within which I will hunt down what I need at that time. Removing numbers and contacts is just a surface scratch, doesn’t really achieve much in the long run.

I’m currently just being treated as a lepor at home, my wife and children disgusted at how I let it happen again. My mum and dad washed their hands off me and just don’t want to know. Deep down they probably would wish I was no longer around to embarrass them any further.

Sometimes my coke mind tricks me into thinking…. “What’s so bad about it” a few lines, you didn’t harm anyone, didn’t sleep too well, took sleeping tablets, paranoid and on edge in bed at 4am ordering more coke cos you couldn’t handle going without for the rest of the night. I mean you’ve just harmed yourself a little why is everyone so p’d off?

I just need some help on how I can avoid this treacherous path in the future

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