[kelly6714]

This is my first time posting here but i have no one to talk to who understands and need to vent. The tears fall as i write this. I met my boyfriend 11 years ago at the time i had no idea he was addicted to heroin. We fell in love he was my solemate. A year after we were together i came down on christmas morning to find we had been burgled. My boyfriend sat with me as i reported it to the police. I was so looking foward to him opening his gifts. Boxing day i noticed the lino slightly lifted i pulled it back and found a stash of needles. We argued, he said they were old… i accused him of stealing and selling the xmas presents he hit me over the head with a broom cracking it open. He was arrested charged and put on a drug reabilitation order which involved weekly drug tests. I kept in contact with him he showed me the results and over time i trusted him. We got back together after a happy year our first daughter came along eight years later our second daughter who has just turned one. Yes you see for 10 years we have been blissfully happy holidays abroad no drugs nothing a normal happy family. Then he had a night out slept with another girl i was hurt and mad but i forgave him. Things carried on a week later he was putting the washing away amd my world ended right then amd there i.saw a needle pokeing out from inside his sock. I yelled i screamed i begged. He said the guilt of what he did caused a relapse that it was a one off. I knew deep down i couldnt have that around the children so i called his boss.said we were having problems arranged for him to stay there. He txt saying he loves me hes not useing hes sorry. This weekend i allowed him to come see the children again he promised he was clean. His pupils were small he blamed it on the light, he didnt eat he claimed hed eaten his mouth was dry he claimed he was thirsty and i believed him i always.do because i love him. He left sunday morning claiming he needed to.feed his bosses cat and promised our 8 and 1 year old he would be back he text me through out the day saying he was coming he was just sorting washing just doing this just doing that. At nine pm last night i put my dissapointed girls to bed and phoned him. He.was slurring he said he said he doesnt have a drug problem but that he tried to kill himself because seeing the girls made him realise what hes lost. Even then i told him u could have us back if you leave the drugs alone. He is fantastic at turning things back round on me making me feel bad. He messaged me today at 12.30 to say he hates me yesterday at 8pm he said he loves me. He sent a message saying i want u and the girls back i replied come home.then (i just want him safe) his reply no i hate you im high its your fault i want to die. His phone has been off ever since. So here i am sat at home surrounded by all our things with his children not knowing if hes alive or dead. Im sat here still stupidly believeing he doesnt have a drug problem and i can save him my heart cant let go of the man i love off the drugs my brain that knows that he has chosen drugs over us and i believe the guilt of that is to much for him. I wish i could hate him but u see i cant i love him more everyday. Losing to someone to drugs is like grieveing for the person that was there before.

[sk]

Hi, after reading your post I can really relate to how you are feeling because I too have come 2nd best to this horrid drug although my partner smoked it still does’nt make it hurt any less. I too have two children who have not got a clue about there daddy’s addiction none of my family know about it either so in a morning when I get up I put my make up on and wear it as a mask to face the day when all I want to do is break down. My partner has never been violent towards me let me make that clear but the mental torture is just as bad the pawning of my jewellery which always meant alot because he was the one who bought it me the debt and the never ending heartache of loving someone who loves something else more. My partner has just done a 2 week stint in rehab and is currently clean but the fear that he will give up is even worse I have dedicated 18yrs of my life to this man and all I have got is heartache and dissapointment ( and my beautiful children but that goes without saying). I am giving him this one last chance and if he fails he wallks out of mine and our childrens life for good no matter how much it will destroy me I cannot live like this any more. My fear is though that he will be ok for the next few years and then let me down again he is all I have ever known and I would be probably be damaged goods to anyone else I feel why do we love these men. I want someone who will fight for me and love me the way I love him. The addiction to this drug has horrid consequences for the families after all we dont get a choice. I hope everything works out for you and just know you are not alone xx

[kelly6714]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. You hit the nail on the head when you said its hard to know they love something more than you. People who havent been through it dont understand. Its like the person we love is having an affair only with a substance not a person and the hold it has over them is no match for us. He finally got in touch with me yesterday to say he had bought some more and that will be it then he will stop. He always promises it will be the next day… it is hard to know the truth anymore where were currently not living together. I told him to get on a programme but he refuses claiming he can do it himself. It is our daughters birthday in 12 days i have told him i do not want to be around him on drugs and that i will purchase a drugs test and test him the day before if hes clean he can spend the day with us if not he cant. The problem is its always us that suffers isnt it. Heroin makes a person so selfish. I wish your partner the very best of luck. Please keep in touch as to how he is doing x

[icarus-trust]

Hi
Sadly lots of people are in similar situations to yourself having to deal with the effect of another’s addiction. The Icaurus Trust is a charity which tries to support people like yourself. if you contact us you would be put in touch with one of our trained ‘Family Friends’ who would talk to you in complete confidence. This might help you to find a way forward and see what other help is available if you want it.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
This is a free service so I hope you will try it and it will be a help to you.
Good luck.

[cant-take-no-more]

Children don’t ask to be around addiction….your priority has to be your baby,,I’m a mother of a recovering addict,who has a small child. I worked closely with baby’s mum to keep stability in the home, and whilst he was addicted decided he could only see the baby when not using….he felt I was taking sides, but that was far from it….he can understand why we made the choices we made, and thankfully. He plays a big part in his sons life..he now works to provide, and is trying his hardest to remain clean if alcohol and drugs….every clean day is a blessing xx think of your child, because whilst he is using. Life for you and your child will never be normal…take care x

[icarus-trust]

I’m so sad to read your post. I can see that this is a very hard time for you and even worse because you’ve been all through it before. I feel sorry that you are feeling alone in this but there is some help out there.
The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports people like yourself who are dealing with a loved one’s addiction. We have trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’ who you could talk with if you get in touch. they would understand what you are going through and talking with one of them might help you to work out a way forward.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that you can get some support.

[wits-end]

thank you so much for your reply it’s nice to know I’m not completely alone I will definitely give your charity a call thank you again

[icarus-trust]

Good I’m glad to hear it. Really hope it helps you.

[sk]

I also have bought some drug testing kits just incase I have any doubts. Do you know what its crazy how even though they do all this to us and break our hearts we still protect them I suppose really when you think about it these men are our addiction and yes they are spiteful and only ever see what they are going through and how hard things are for them and it drives me insane, I feel like a robot constantly on auto pilot looking after kids on my own, lying to my daughter saying he is working away when really he has’nt lived with me for a year because of this stupid drug. I saw it as we were not enough and he said its nothing like that but its hard to believe when your so down trodden comparing yourself to a powder. The last couple of weeks have’nt been easy hes trying to deal with all these suppressed emotions and anger seems to be the main one hes struggling with his mouth can be very vicious sometimes and to be honest I dont think I can take anymore I have been through enough everytime its like a knife in the heart. I know this sounds daft but if I had a magic wand I would’nt wish for money like most people would, I would wish that he never took this drug and was just normal or even better that it did’nt exist at all. I hate it its ruined my life and my little family. I am so glad he got intouch with you but I doubt he can do this without help he really needs professional help to get rid once and for all. My partner will soon be going on to a drug called natrexone (I think) and its a complete blocker so if he tries to use it will basically kill him, brutal but gives me piece of mind that sounds really bad I know but at least its the end of it all. I just wanted you to know that your not alone and I really wish you all the best and hope he will sort hiself out for you and his family. Please keep intouch and let me know how your doing and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your daughter for 12 days time xx

[kelly6714]

So after promiseing me he would go cold turkey i am once again destroyed. He messaged me 1pm this afternoon to say he was in bed dope sick i told him how proud i was. At 4pm i get a message saying he loves me and the children but he is weak and hates himself he wished me goodbye and wishes the world goodbye. I called the police who sent an ambulance to his flat he wasnt there. The police are currently searching for him we have no idea if hes dead or alive. Heroin is a monster that rips and destroys lifes and families. I hate it.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
Sorry to hear that this is such a worrying time for you.
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust which is there to support the families and friends of addicts. We have trained people called ‘Family Friends’ who you could talk to. As you say, talking about a problem often helps. They have loads of experience of what you are going through, so may be able to help you find a way ahead. Also they could let you know of other help that would be available for you and your dad if you want it.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I really hope that this might help you. Good luck with everything.

[lily7890]

my sister also has an alcahol problem,i always wanted to be like her so i followed in her footsteps,or tried to.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Lily
I’m sorry to read your post. It sounds like you need someone to talk to. Please contact The Icarus Trust who could tell you about how to find the support that you might need. We are a charity so it is a free service and its good to talk to someone who understands.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Al the best. I hope you can get some help.

[administrator]

Dear Lily7890

Thank you for sharing. If you feel you need to talk to someone about anything please call Childline on 0800 1111.

Adfam

[elf]

Lily, your story sounds so similar to my daughter’s. She was unhappy when me a d her dad split up. She started to hang out with older kids and began drinking at 12. I knew she had a problem at 14 but when I tried to tell people (e.g. doctor) she just looked dumbfounded because she was so young. Please try and get help for yourself because you can change if you want. There is a big, exciting world out there and you can do anything you want with your life. Your experience puts you in a position to help others. Don’t let your past hurt dictate your choices in life. Blessings and good luck to you xxxxc

[babji]

Hello,

I’m really sorry you’ve been dealing with this. Has anything improved since you wrote?

I’m commenting because I’m in a similar situation with my dad. When he’s sober he’s great; funny, intelligent, kind, loving and my best friend. After drinking too much for a long time, he had a major breakdown after the end of a relationship a few years ago where he drank non-stop for months on end, finally ending up in a&e, barely alive. Since then he’s got clean and then relapsed again, going through this same cycle at least 3 times in 3 years. I just found him today, he’s relapsed again and been drinking solidly for 3 days in bed.

The help of my dad’s friends has been invaluable to me during all of his relapses, especially because I’m his only child and he has no parents, his remaining family live far away and he and my mum aren’t together now. His friends have staged interventions and nursed him back to health while I’ve been living abroad. But I know they won’t be able to do this forever and he’s already lost friends because they can’t cope.

Are there any family friends/other family who can help you? Anyone he respects and might listen to?

Ultimately I think maybe there is little we can really do except try to support them to make their own decision and to encourage them to deal with the root causes when/if they are sober. But it is so painful to watch them self destruct and sometimes I feel like I’m grieving for him because the real him isn’t there when he’s like this.

In your case I would probably call an ambulance if he is coughing up blood etc to check what’s causing it. That’s happened with my dad before and the hospital scared him into getting sober (for a while..)

Anyway I guess we just try to support them, whilst also trying to look after ourselves and our own mental health. I hope things have improved for you and your dad but if not, you’re not alone.

[icarus-trust]

You are right. It is really important to look after yourself too. Please contact The Icarus Trust if you would like to speak to anyone who may be able to help.

[sk]

I am so sorry to hear once again he is putting you through hell, I really hope he will get intouch with you. Its like your trapped because you have to try and be normal for the kids but inside the pain is unbearable just like a knife been twisted over and over again. Why is it they think its ok to act like this.

I have noticed that over the past year I have started having panic attacks and really bad anxiety which I have never suffered with before I class myself to be quite a happy person generally, this is the only place where I can actually speak my mind and let it all out due to where I work I am unable to seek professional help because I am embarrassed that people will find out the truth but I have got used to that.

just thankful for this website.

please keep intouch I hope he’s ok and gets the professional help he needs. Heroin is the devil in disguise.

Take care x

[lolipop]

Hi , your post was mine last year so I understand how you feel I just wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there ! I spent my first Christmas without my son .. I went to familys and he stayed at home and got totally stoned . .. I spent the whole day trying to be cheerful and happy inside I was screaming . It was very difficult but I got through it and in a way I think it helped me realise how much control over my life I had given away to my son . nothing I say will help you feel better about the day I’m really sorry sending you a massive hug and really hope you manage to find some happiness on the day xxxxx

[concerned-mum]

Thank you lolipop…The sad thing is this is nt my first Christmas without him but at least i knew where he was last year….He was in young offenders but this year feels worse. Its really hitting me hard, Thank you for your support and kind words, xxx

[cant-take-no-more]

Hey hun, we missed you…..come on, you know that the words he says are because he knows he has messed up. It’s bloody hard for them to stay clean, cause what’s going on In their head eats away at them…if he chooses not to have xmas dinner with you, so be it….it’s his way of making you guilty…but don’t! Have your xmas, try and enjoy it, and well done for stopping enabling him….merry Xmas hun xxxx hugs..your son and all those suffering are in my prayers..xxxxxxxx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Dolly,

Thanks for sharing your story. This sounds very hard for your parents to cope with and I can see why you are so worried for them as well as your brother.
If you would like to talk to a trained person who has lots of experience of what you and your family are going through please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that helps the families and friends of addicts because we know how tough dealing with a loved one’s addiction is.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Wishing you and your family all the best.

[icarus-trust]

Hi
Sorry that Christmas must have been such a sad time for you but well done for being so strong, although it must have been really hard.
If you need someone else who would understand what you are doing through, The Icarus Trust has trained volunteers that you could talk to. This is a free service so I hope you might find it useful.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck and keep strong.

[icarus-trust]

Hi there,

Its good to read that you are moving on with your life for your babies and your own sake but I’m sure that the decisions you have made have been very painful for you.
Good luck with everything and don’t forget The Icarus Trust is there if you need someone to talk to.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the best and keep strong!

[kelly6714]

He phoned me off his head asking me what all the fuss was about like he didnt have a care in the world and for the first time ever i actually yelled at him i told him i was fed up with him taking something to take all the pain away and leaving us with more pain than ever. After i put the phone down i heard my daughter sobbing uncontrolably she misses her daddy. As i held her and explained daddy loves you very much but his brain is so so poorly i really realised this cant continue. The man i love is gone. I cant make him come back. I shall grieve and be broken hearted over that man not the selfish, lyeing manipulative person who can hear his daughter screaming in the background and not even give a damn. I now owe it to my children to build a life without him without drugs before he causes ever lasting damage. Sk thank you for all your help and support. I know my story wont end here. Please continue.to let me know of your husbands progress.

[cant-take-no-more]

Hey Hunni….relapse is part of recovery, sad fact is most addicts in recovery relapse….this time of year for some reason is a worry for those on recovery,more so…I imagine he will be so angry at himself,but it’s important to support more…it doesn’t mean he will go back..I’m praying he has the strength to continue on his road to a drug free life..I sincerely hope you have that Christmas you so deserve…hugs xxx

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
I’m hoping that Christmas went ok for you. I know its often a really hard time of year.
If you feel you would like to talk to someone who has experience of what you are going through, you might want to get in touch with The Icarus Trust. We are a charity which supports families dealing with addiction. We have trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’ who you could talk with if you felt that it might help.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this might help you. Good luck.

[sk]

I am so sorry especially about your little girl maybe one day he will realise just how lucky he was to have you and by that time I hope you have moved on. Maybe I will be forced to do the same my little girl cries all the time when her daddy has to leave after he has visited for a few hours. Still not really convinced that he will suceed in keeping hiself clean this drug has powers beyond belief and trusting him is also really difficult but its my heart that aches like mad when hes not here if I could conquer that then I would be fine. I think because I have been with him for 18yrs its hard to imagine him not in my life at my side (hes not even owt spectaular to be honest) but you cannot help who you fall in love with and unfortunately my heart chose him. I am the same the man I fell in love with disappeared about 15yrs ago he is starting to come back alittle day by day but its a heck of a long journey and one hes going to have to do for the rest of his life.

kelly I really wish you well and hope you stay strong as you are. Your kids are very lucky to have you as their mummy. Please keep intouch and let me know how you are doing and thank you for everything you have also helped me alot xx

[sk]

Hi just need to get this out.

today I got a text message saying ” I need your help I have no money in the bank to pay bills will you help me please” first question was why he only had £139 two days ago so where has it gone so I rang him and guess what he told me he’d spent it on tablets
(diazepam) I dont get it are we moving from one addiction to another. What am I suppose to do its not heroin but again another nail in the coffin. He says its only to help while he gets rid of leg cramps and its better then using other (emotional blackmail to me). I cannot deal with another addiction should I give up my addiction HIM.

Another kick in the teeth for me and my kids will it ever end so upset and confused just dont know what to think or do. I think if I had the money I would up sticks and leave with the kids and just forget about everyone but in reality I cannot do it.

I have never took a penny off him for the kids hes never bought a nappy or a pack of wipes anything I feel like a door mat.

[kelly6714]

Oh hunny im so sorry. Its heartbreaking isnt it even more so when you feel like youve taken a step forward to then go ten steps back. My opinion could be one of two things the first valium and heroin together intensifies the high did you say he was prescribed a blocker ? It could be that he has used and the heroin alone is having no effect so by mixing it with valium hes trying to get some sort of feeling from the heroin. The prescribed meds should be enough to stop the withdrawels to be honest so if he is still using its likely to be psycological. To give you hope the first time my partner got clean (lasted nine years) he used on top of suboxine for a short while despite getting no feeling from it as he claimed he missed shooting up (gross i know). The programme he was on had therapy where he discussed this feeling and gradually the psycological cravings went to. The other option he is telling the truth, funnily enough my partner messaged me two days ago to say hed taken 200mg of valium to try to kill himself he slept two days straight and now claims he is on day four of being clean cus they helped with the with the withdrawels (like you one step forward i am ready and waiting for the ten steps back). The last option is – he is still using. Unfourtantly only time will tell the truth and i know when your in this situation every minute feels like a lifetime. You can purchase heroin specific drug tests online that will not shoe positive even if he has taken valium they only show positive for heroin and are quite cheap if he has nothing to hide he shouldnt mind. Im guessing you know about enabling and i hope you gave him no money they always say an addict has to reach rock bottom before they are serious about getting help. Ive had times where he has rung me saying hes starving he doesnt want money he wants food you have to say no. The more uncomfortable he is the more likely he is to quit. All i can advise is love from a distance. Try to put him to the back of your mind grieve for him and continue your life as if hed died. I know that sounds odd maybe harsh but its helped me. Let him no you love him and your there for him once hes clean but you will not enable his drug use of any drugs. Then cross your fingers and pray so hard that he does this. I know all this is easier said than done. Take a deep breath and live life for you and the children. Be there for him but dont let him become your life. Move forward – he can either move forward to or move back but no longer let his decisions move you back with him. Be strong. Let me know how this progresses. X

[lolipop]

Hi .. There are no easy answers and no one can “make ” your son better only he can do that . What you can do is stop giving him money and bailing him out its the only way he will ever learn . I know how difficult it can be to say no to them when they are screaming abuse at you and smashing up your home .. I’ve been there ! Be kind to yourselves you deserve peace in your home and your life . In my darkest days I wished I’d never had my son and felt it would better if he was gone altogether from our lives ive even thought I would be better off dead . It’s heartbreaking to watch our loved ones destroy themselves . Like your son mine can be lovely funny and kind but oh my when he wants his weed he is like a man possessed . I contacted a support group for families affected by addiction and go regularly to meetings it helps to talk especially to people who really understand how awful it is to live like this . The relief I felt telling people how things really were in my home was enormous no one at my meetings judges anyone we just listen and talk . It’s a long road to walk but with support things will get better . Please speak to someone contact your gp they maybe able to give you contact numbers or check out the support pages on here .
Love Lolipop

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
If you would like to talk to someone who would understand what you are living with please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the friends and family who are coping a loved one with addictions, people like yourself. We know that this is a really hard time for you but maybe talking to one of our ‘family Friends’, our experienced trained volunteers, might help you. It is a free service.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this helps. Good luck.

[welshspark]

Thanks for the advise I hope you son is on the road to recovery

[icarus-trust]

Hi AnnaLouise,

Thank you for sharing. I’m so sad to read your story and to see what a difficult time it has been for you and your family. It sounds like you are doing a brilliant job for your grandchildren. Thank goodness they have you to look after them.

If you would ever like to offload how you’re feeling, the charity I work for Icarus Trust has experienced trained volunteers who you could talk to. The charity is there to support people like yourself who are dealing with the impact of a loved one’s addiction. We offer a free service. Talking with those that understand is always good and it may help you to find a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the best with everything.

[cant-take-no-more]

Oh dear sounds like you have had a few years of stress.. I remember speaking to FRANK and have to agree, they were useless…never felt more alone..I too enabled my son, thinking I was helping, but Infact I was adding to his addiction….please please please understand one thing Hunni, it is your son who takes drugs, no one makes him..I use to say the same thing, how niave was i? Until I realised my son was and is responsible for himself…..my son lied, stole, was aggressive and we put up with it for far too long…the day I to,d him to stop contacting me until he was serious about getting help, was the best thing I could have done as his mother..it half killed me not knowing where he was, or what he was doing, but his behaviour was making me ill…..he’s in recovery, and yes he has relapsed afew times but I know nothing I say will change his mind…it really is down to him! Addiction is bloody awful, but many forget about those close to the addict…stay strong,and please stop bailing him out…….hugs xxx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Elli
Thank you for posting. I can only imagine how painful it is for you to watch what’s happening to your daughter. That’s so hard and you are right to say that it is important for you to get some help for yourself.

I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust that has been set up to support those who are having to deal with the impact of a loved one’s addiction. If you contact us we can put you in touch with one of our ‘Family Friends’. These are our experienced trained volunteers who would understand what you are living through. Talking to one of them might help you to find a way ahead and they can signpost you to other services that are available. This is a free service.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that you can get some help for yourself and wish you all the best.

[welshspark]

Thanks for your words of wisdom. and we have finaly made up our mind no matter how hard it is going to be for us as caring parents we have to stop helping him by bailing him out with money. He has to learn the hard way, maybe he needs to learn what it’s like to loose everything that he has worked hard for before reality sinks in. Bloody Drugs it makes me so angry how easy they are to get hold of and the government does nothing to help all parties

[valerie]

my family is very much like this they have disowned their brother , my little grandaughter is estranged to my son , we have always been a happy close family and its breaking my heart but i think we have to concentrate on the good or else we too become victims

[icarus-trust]

Hi Shaneal and Valerie

Thank you for sharing your stories which I find very sad to read. It is heart breaking to see a loved one’s life being ruined by addiction and I do feel for you both.
If it would help to talk to someone who would understand what you are dealing with please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity set up specially for people who are, like you, dealing with the impact of a family member’s addiction. If you get in touch you could speak to one of our experienced trained volunteers called family Friends which might help you.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck to both of you.

[cant-take-no-more]

Hi welsh spark….please see if there’s a support group near you, for you..it really makes a difference…,stay strong and know that your decision to stop enabling him is the right thing to do for him….hugs x

[icarus-trust]

Hi Welshspark
What you are going through is very hard and it is really important that you have some support for yourself.
The Icarus Trust is a charity which supports people like you who are having to live with the impact of the addiction of a family member. We offer a service of trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’. It may help you to talk to one of them as they are very experienced and would understand what you are coping with. They would also be able to signpost you to other services that are available.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything. I hope that this may help.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Donna,
I’m sorry that you are having such a bad time and are in such a difficult situation. Please contact The Icarus Trust as we are a charity that is set up to support people like yourself who are having to deal with the impact of a loved one’s addiction.
If you contact us we offer a free service called ‘Family Friends’. These are our experienced trained volunteers who you could talk with. They would understand what you are living with and signpost you to other available help. As you say it feels good to offload.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that you are able to get some help. Good luck.

[sad-and-tired]

Hi I have been there with my son, the biggest bit of advice I can give is stop giving him cash, stop bailing him out, he needs to see the results of the route he is taking. it is not easy but I am starting to see the results. Tell him you are always there for him when he needs help to sort his self out but you will not fund his life style anymore. That is what you are doing when you give cash. Be strong good luck xx

[leec]

This is my exact story as the addict smoking, stealing and denial. I’m 30 now and smoked for 15 years previously. Please keep him close moving out was the worst decision I made. Whilst my relationship with my mother improved my drug addiction got worse. I never veered off weed to more serious drugs but my mental health got so bad I had a break down. My advice would be keep him close, he needs to admit his problem cut ties with suppliers and poorly chosen friends before it gets worse. My best decision was changing my mobile and cutting all ties with negative / drug influences. Good luck

[justine]

That is what I think my son should do , he said he would but he hasn’t.

[welshspark]

Hi just an update on my son, firstly thanks for your support it has been a great help to know we are not alone. He basically hit a real low not long after I wrote my first comment, he had been on one of his full weekend on god knows what. We had to break into his house and found him on the floor totally spaced out, when I eventually got him to come around just as his mum was about to ring 999.

He then went at us like a demon possessed throwing things at us including a coffee table, saying we had no right to be in his house and he physically threw us out. On his doorstep I gave him a final ultimatum that if we left his house that night without sorting something out there would be no more help from me and his mum. Plus I would never have anything to do with him ever again and I meant it although it was breaking my heart inside.

I don’t to this day fully know why, but he said sorry and asked for our help so still being firm I told him that he does what we tell him to do and no questions. The next day I took my son and wife to our family doctors and fully explained to him where we were at, I think this time he could see we were desperate with both my wife and son crying and me not far of it. He put my son on a course of medication for two months to help him sleep and calm down where he was climbing the walls.

We also found a local drug counselling service who gave him one on one face time, both these have helped no end, but because of the financial cost of the drugs he had to give up his rented property. As I would not help him out with paying these people any more, he has started a new job and works away a lot in London so what he gets up too there I can’t comment. But when he is back home on the weekends he seems to be a totally different person who is trying to get his life back on track, he is still smoking a joint or two but no more snorting coke or the handfuls of Diazepam / Valium he was taking. We all know it’s like walking on eggshells and things could change in a blink of an eye, but for the moment there is light at the end of the tunnel and we are more like the loving happy family we once were (fingers crossed)

[icarus-trust]

Hi Welshpark
Am glad that things have improved for you and your son. Don’t forget The Icarus Trust supports the friends and families of addicts if you want to talk anything through with us.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that things continue to go well. Good luck!

[sk]

I just dont know what to believe I wish he would just do hiself in so to speak at least then it would all be over but he’d rather torture me because hes selfish. hes not started the blocker yet he has appt next week also has appt with IAPT on 28th aug to help with retraining his mind. Seriously got to stage where I just dont care anymore, how many times am I going to let him do this to me, should I turn the love to hate and despise him. I am going to have a look at these test because I think the ones I bought say they test positive for prescription drugs so like you said not really a true reading for just heroin. I really cannot live like this anymore waiting for him to fail.

Thank you for replying it just helps so much knowing that someone understands even though I would’nt wish this on my worst enemy. XX

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
How difficult this must be for you but there is support out there. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust which aims to help and support people like yourself who are having to deal with the addiction of a loved one.We offer a service called ‘Family Friends’ who are experienced trained volunteers. If you contact us you could talk with one of them which may help you to find a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that talking to someone will help you. Good luck!

[icarus-trust]

Hi Arya,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry that you are having such a stressful time right now. If you think it would help to talk to someone who would understand what you are going through please contact The Icarus Trust.
We are a charity that supports the families and friends of addicts and we offer a free service called ‘Family Friends’. You could be put in touch with one of these experienced trained volunteers if you think it would help.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the best. I hope you can get some support for yourself.

[kelly6714]

Has he ever been on a programme before ? Only you know if your truely ready to move on without him. Ask yourself this if he did get clean and he remained clean would that be all you wished for in life because there is a chance. If he gets on the programme and is successful would you then kick yourself for giving up when you did. You can try and turn your love into hate i tried but i found its almost like your lyeing to yourself which still makes you misrable. You say youve got to the stage where you dont care anymore if this is true and you can walk away then by all means do it. However your next sentance is about the drug tests suggesting you do care :-/. I know its like living in a nightmare. Why dont you talk to him say you love him but you cant take it anymore tell him you want this programme to work so bad and if it does you will continue your relationship with him if it doesnt that is the end. In the meantime have as little contact as possible. If he calls you wanting money say no these are not the calls im interested in anymore by all means call me and tell me your clean otherwise dont contact me. Tough love is needed. Try not to drown yourself in his addiction that way if he sinks you wont be at the bottom with him if he swims then he will be right there with you x

[icarus-trust]

Hi Ally,
So sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. It must be so hard for you to feel so anxious and stressed, as well as bringing up a young baby.
Sadly there are lots of people like you having to deal with the addiction of others around them, but there is help for you out there.
May be you would like to talk to someone who understands what you are going through? The charity, Icarus Trust provides people like yourself with a ‘family Friend’. This is an experienced trained volunteer who you would be able to talk with. They may be able to help you find a way ahead and would also sign post you to other services available.
It is a free service and I hope that you might find it useful.
Please contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I really hope that this helps you.

[fbc83]

Hi ive been with my partner 15yrs & have with 2 boys (8 & 12) with him. We briefly split up 8yrs ago for a few months. When we got back together he was addicted to heroin & it took a year to find out. He got on a methadone programme which he regrets cause he said the amount of heroin he was doing it would of been easier to cluck (withdraw). Hes still on methadone now. He works 50 hours a week & provides for us. Dont be fooled that being on methadone will stop him using but it gives him more of a stable life with getting on back on the right track. It’ll be more of a choice to use or not. Good luck its going to be a long road. X

[icarus-trust]

Hi Nicki
Thanks for sharing your story.
I can understand how difficult it is for you to know what you should be telling your daughter. If you would like to talk through this please contact us at The Icarus Trust a charity that provides support for people dealing with the impact of another’s addiction. You would be able to talk to one of our Family Friends’ who have a lot of experience of what you are going through.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.

[ally]

Thanks it helps to know it works, many ‘stories, about people using methadone are that they are unable to work…hope it will get him stable so he can hold down a job, I worry so much about what the future holds…you have had a many years if this and still together then… That gives me some hope a normal family life can be possible x

[sk]

I do care and love him and yes if he did get clean and stayed clean he would be all i wanted. I just wish i did’nt love him it drives me insane. I have told him today not to contact me anymore because i cannot take it told him i will arrange for him to see kids with his mum presant and in a neutral place not at my house basically. I start work again in september so hopefully wont have the time to miss him its only because i am sat here day in day out on my own that i struggle. Thank you again for being there and making perfect sense. Xx

[lolipop]

Hi I feel for you I really do . It’s a horrible thing to have to go through . My son smokes a lot of skunk and sometimes gets very aggressive and depressed . He still lives at home which can be difficult at times . He has been arrested a couple of times and banned from driving for 18 months . I have stopped bailing him out … I don’t give him any money at all . He’s upto his eyes in debt I have no idea how much he owes ! I have stopped giving him moneyand I have stopped obsessing over him it destroys me and steals all my happiness . there are no easy answers . Once I realised it wasn’t my fault and I couldn’t make him stop i started to think about what I could change . Its soul destroying to watch our loved ones do this to themselves . Addiction is a horrible disease .
Sending you a virtual hug
Love Lolipop xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Rita,

I know that this is so difficult but there are people that can help. The Icarus Trust is a charity that offers support to people who are dealing with a loved one’s addiction. If you get in touch, one of our experienced trained volunteers would be able to talk with you and may be this would help you to make some sense of it all and find a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the best.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
I really feel for you living with the horrible situation you have described. I think you might find it a good thing to talk to someone who has experience in what you are going through.
The Icarus Trust is a charity which supports families who are being affected by the addiction of a loved one. We offer the free service of ‘Family Friends’. These are all experienced trained volunteers and, if you contact us you would be able to talk with one of them. Hopefully this would help and support you with the choices you are having to make.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Talking through problems often helps so I hope you will find this useful. Good luck.

[icarus-trust]

Hi
Thank you for sharing your story. I really feel for you having that knowledge about your daughter and not being able to share it with anyone.
If you would like to talk to someone who would understand please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support for people who are dealing with the impact of a loved one’s addiction. You could be out in touch with one of our experienced, trained volunteers and talking may help you to find a way forward.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I wish you all the best.

[sad-and-tired]

Hi I have been through this with my son, after years of bailing him out, I tried tough love it hurt me to do it but it has helped, stop bailing him out, stop paying his debts, stop giving him money. Feed him if you need to but don’t give cash. Hard as it is let him see what the results of his actions are. Its hard but I have seen good results, my son is not over it yet but is getting there I think. Above all let him know that although the cash has stopped you love him and will be there for him when he wants to sort his life out. It is so hard but stay strong and protect the rest of your family……good luck xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Don’t forget that to be strong for your son you may need some support for yourself. Please contact The Icarus Trust if you think we could be of any help to you.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

[sk]

This is his first time on this programme x

[cant-take-no-more]

Hi Ruth, it’s hard watching a loved one go down the recovery road…at first we are extatic that they have made the decision to get help….we have high hopes everything will be plain sailing and the addiction will be gone for ever…what I have learned is, no matter how much we want it for them, they may relapse, but support is essential…it isn’t plain sailing, so getting as much help as possible is essential. My son has been in recovery for over 7 months now..3 relapses, and I literally held my breath over xmas, because he had 7 days off work….if something upsets him, his addictive reaction would be to get high…now he has to work hard at dealing with “life” without alcohol and drugs! Recovery in my opinion is a life choice, because I see the struggle he has every day trying to steer clear of his addiction. Well done to your BF , and if he can try and get added support from his doctor, support groups, family, counsellors….good luck xxxxx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Suzy,
Thank you so much for telling your story. I am so sad to read how your son is feeling and how heart breaking and difficult it is for you to know what to do to support him.
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust that supports people yourself who are having difficult times due to a loved one’s addiction. We have experienced trained volunteers called Family Friends who you could be put in touch with. May be talking with one of them would help you to find a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Wishing you all the best.

[suzy]

To Icarus Trust, Thank you for your support. I will look at the website. I am a drug and alcohol counsellor myself, but unfortunately can’t help my son, especially while he is using. 🙁 It is good to know there is someone out there who can offer me the support that I need for myself. Thank you.

[eavy]

Iv only just seen yr post Suzy.Ow i know what hell you are living.Look at my posts under “EAVY”.Only difrants is that my son is a crack addict.But i oftern wonder,if he does heroin,as these 2 drugs seem to go hand in hand.My sons addictuon has been on going for the past 18 year,s.As you will know”reading my posts”suffering a heart attack,did not deter his addiction.I just wanted to let you no,i understand your torment.My son of nearly 40 years old,is my life.I will never give up on him,just like you.Your post was december 2016,it would be so nice to hear from you,maybe we could comfort one another.I think we are in a place,where we are at a loss,as to where we go next.Thank you in advance,for your reply.Eavy

[icarus-trust]

Hi Ruth,
I am glad to hear your story is so positive and really hope that your boyfriend continues to progress well.
If you would like some support for yourself, it may help you to talk your feelings and fears through with another who has been through what you are experiencing. Our charity, The Icarus Trust, offers support to family members who are having to deal with the impact of a loved ones addiction. We could provide you with one of our ‘Family Friends.’ These are experienced trained volunteers who, if you thought it helpful, would talk with you and could also signpost you to other services that are available.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I really hope your boyfriend continues on his road to recovery. Good luck.

[tilly]

I am like you this is the first time I am seeking help and support from family/parents who Understand what I am going through ….

[broken-mum]

Dear Eavy, I can’t even begin to imagine the hell that you must be going through. I don’t have any answers – God knows I wish I did, but do you know anything about your son’s supplier? I am trying to find a way in which I can confront my daughter’s supplier and warn him off, but my daughter is not yet at the stage of having an addiction and so my pain, as real as it is, cannot compare with yours. You say that your son has been able to stop using in the past – do you think that at this moment in time he feels that he has nothing to fight for? His wife has left him and (I assume) taken his daughter.
I am so far removed from this world and only now am I seeing the ‘Devil’ as you call it, making its presence known to me. I can’t understand how a man with so much love in his life can do this to himself, to you and to his wife and daughter. I started by saying I have no answers and I know this post offers you nothing but love and support. As a mother I know that you will only feel better when you know that your son has turned his back on the crack. So please accept my best wishes and I sincerely hope that you both come through this.

[eavy]

Dear broken mum
thank you so much for your compationate message,of wich i was very greatful.You did not give much of of an insight as to why you feel like a broken mum.Therefor i can only read between the lines of your message.Thinking back,all them years ago,”i remember very clearly”my very first thought,was to,track down my sons suply,r.But it did not take long,to realise,that this would be completly pointless.Crack was my sons drug of choice,and would find another suply,r in no time at all,so your battle becomes pointless.You menchen that your daughter,has not reached the stage of addiction.This tells me,your daughter may be in denial.I can only presume,that you yourself,are not at all aware,or nore do you have any clue regarding your daughters drug of choice.Your coment,Quote:you can not understand,why,after loosing everything,and him coming from a loving familly ,i can not understand,why this would not be enough to stop him:unquote:.This also tells me,you have no knoledge,regarding crack addiction.If you are able to give me more of an isight,regarding your daughters situation,and indeed,your own concern,s,i would be happy to listen,and support you,.And indeed,answer any questions you may want to ask me.Thank you in advance for your reply.Until then,i can only wish ,you and your daughter well.
Yours in all sincerety Eavy

[broken-mum]

Hi Eavy
To answer some of your questions: My daughter does Coke and takes Ecstasy. As far as I’m aware she is doing this on a “recreational” basis. The difficulty is that she doesn’t know, I know – I hacked her faceboook account to find out. My concern is that addiction might follow, but how do I talk to her without letting her know how I found out. We were so close once….. I am trying to find a way through this whereby I don’t totally alienate her, but can support her and find a way to guide her back to being the person she used to be.
I am ‘broken’ because that is how I feel – I’ve violated my daughter’s trust to gain knowledge that I scares me and I don’t know how to use that knowledge.
I am truly struggling with my conscience, I don’t sleep, I can’t bear to think of my daughter becoming an addict – I need to reach out to her, but how?
I genuinely hope that we (you & I) find the answers that we need.

[eavy]

Dearest broken mum,thank you so much for your speedy reply,and for your honesty.I can completly understand ,how you must be feeling.You say,you want your daughter to be the daughter,she use to be.So you must of seen a change in her behaviour.If this is the case,then that is a good starting point,for you to reach out to her.Tel her of your concern,and tell her,how you have been feeling.She will never have to know how you found out.Please beleive me,the reason you hacked her facebook account,was only because you love her so much.you have done,what any loving mother would do.I also have a daughter,she is grown up and has a son now.It was not until she had a child of her own,to realise,the hurtful things she said and done,when she was a teenager.Teenage girles are so hard to deal with.My boy was totaly opposite.When you feel the time is right,and your daughter shows obviouse change in her behavior,this is your opportunity to reach out to her,support her.You may have to play the waiting game,so be patiant.And remember,your daughter,maybe experimenting like thousands more.I will never,for as long as i can breath,give up on my son.I two am playing the waiting game.I am waiting for my son,to say iv had enough mum,please help me.I honestly feel,that this is a passing phase,.I do hope,that i have given you,some peice of mind.And a way forward,so your daughter will never have to know”what we mothers do”to love and protect them.I wait in antisiption for your reply.I two genuinely hope,that we”you and i”find the answers that we need.And who knows,our conversation may help many other mums.You remain in my thoughts,and “although not very religouse”i still pray to god,and will pray,that you sleep a little better,tonight.Love Eavy.xxxx

[broken-mum]

Hi again Eavy
Thank you for this – I am able to take comfort & strength from your words. I do hope you’re right and my daughter is ‘going through a phase’. For now I will watch & wait and hope. I know that I will sleep a little better tonight, because I feel less alone than I did! I genuinely wish that there was something I could do to ease your situation, I have nothing but admiration for your strength and determination. Your son is truly blessed to have you on his side, even if he doesn’t recognise that fact right now. Take care of yourself.

[eavy]

Thank so much for your kind words.And please be reasured,that you have indeed,eased my situation,by you”and you alone”responded to my story,despite the fact,you were also,desparate for emotional support of your own.Your reply was to comfort me,and was completly selfless.It was for the above reason,i asked,”in my reply”for more imformation.Thank you seams inadequate,for comforting me,at a time,when i was losing all hope.I sincerely hope,we talk again,but in the mean time,i wish you and your daughter well.You also take good care of your self.Eavy

[icarus-trust]

Hi Eavy
Thank you for posting your story. Having to deal with your son’s addiction over so many years must be so very hard and worrying for you.
Please contact The Icarus Trust if you think it would help to talk to one of our experienced trained volunteers. We are a charity that provides support for people who are dealing with the impact of a loved one’s addiction.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that talking with others that understand will continue to give you comfort. Good luck.

[eavy]

Im just sitting hear,as i do every day.
from the moment i open my eyes in the morning,until i go to bed,my boy is continuasly in my every thought.So im thinking,this is no life.Im 66 years old,and life should not be like this.Thinking about my son,is weighing me down.When he spent 8 weeks living in my lovly little flat,last summer,I took good care of him,i waited on him hand and foot,made sure he took all his medication”after his heart attack.Turned my little porch way,into a walldrobe.I loved every single day.He went to work every day.Came home,had a shower,got dressed,ate a propper dinner,went to his CA meetings.Home by 10pm,and he was looking great.Such a handsom boy.My heart was bursting with pride.I told my self,this is what he needed,the love of a a caring mum.I lost count of how many times i told him,how proud i was of him.He managed to save up enough money for a deposite,and a months rent,to move into his lovly new home.I thought it was two soon to leave me,but he felt so ashamed,that he was sleeping with me in my bed.Honestly,i was under no ellusion.But i am a mother,who,s son is a crack head.I can believe,how i have got through the past 18 years.Theres nothing i dont know about crack”or the devil i call it”.I am aware,that ,nothing can help my son,and the only thing that makes him feel normal,is the crack pipe.As iv said,in a previouse post,it,s a waiting game.But surly,this hell,must come to an end soon.Cos the thought of me burying my son,is two much to bare.There must be so many mums dads sisters and brothers,sharing this hell.My heart aches for each and every one of you.Just wanted to talk,so thanks for listening.Eavy.PS.MY THOUGHTS ARE STILL WITH BROkEN MUM,And hope she is ok,.

[suzy]

Hi Eavy, I totally understand your predicament. My Son is alone also, using crack and heroin, plus drinking and using prescription drugs now and then. I am also waiting for the knock at the door. It is only when you have lived through this, with a loved one that you can truly understand the torment, worry and misery that we suffer also. My Son like most peoples is handsome, witty clever compassionate and very loving, ONLY when he is stable on a methadone or subutex prescription. At his worst he is snidey, untruthful, aggressive and manipulative. I like yourself, have a very difficult job. I love my Son with everything I have but I don’t love what he does to himself me and my daughter. I have had to cut myself off from him because it is making me ill. I am on heart tablets and sometimes after seeing him feel so physically ill. He has been to rehab twice, second time my elderley parents remortgaged their home to send him to South Africa for 12 months detox and rehab. I am a Drug Counsellor yet I cannot help my own son. At the moment he lives alone, he is adament it is everyone els’s fault that he uses, His viens are a mess, he is forgetful and allows other drug users to squat at his place. I don’t talk to him daily anymore, I have chose to stay away from his flat because I can’t stand to see what he is doing to himself. I have now resigned myself to the fact that what will be will be. I pray to almighty God he can be given another chance to grasp help, and come back to me as my one and only Son. So yes Eavy, we know what it is like to suffer because of our children. x

[broken-mum]

Hello again Eavy, Hello Suzy,
People visiting this message board do so to find comfort and solutions, but the more I read, the more I realise that there are no solutions. I want so much to wipe away the pain and suffering that these addictions bring to the individual and (more so) the families of the addicted.
Eavy – I decided to confront my daughter and while she has not been completely honest with me she has admitted to taking certain drugs. I now need to work hard at re-building our relationship, I only hope that I have reached her in time.
Again I have nothing but the deepest admiration for you and others like you. Thank you for your concern and know that you are in my thoughts. I just wish I could do something more practical to ease your pain.

[eavy]

Dearest broken mum,i am so happy,to hear from you.And more than happy,that you have reached out to your daughter.Dont be to let down ,that she has not been completely honest with you.She will take little steps at first.She will,i am sure,take comfort,that she can now confide in you,and that her mum,will support her,no matter what.You have done so well.And i am touched,to hear from you again,thank you.you remain in my thoughts,and in my pray,s.Please keep in touch.Eavy.xx

[eavy]

Dearest Suzy,thank you so much for your post.Your story is heart braking.I can not remember, ever reading such a tragic story.I often wonder if my son also dose heroin,as it seems to go hand in hand with crack.He knows that heroin is my worse nightmare.Having said that,the crack is the devil”as i call it”.He is now at the stage,that crack is the only thing,that makes him feel normal.What makes it so hard to bare,is that,there is nothing us mums can do,to save there lives.My son is on my mind 24 ,7.And waiting for that knock on the door is like torture.I also have a daughter,7 years older than my son.She is anti drugs.And finding it so hard,watching her brother,deteriorate over the past 18 years.I seem to spend all my time on line,looking for answers.By now,i realise,that i am never going to find any answers.But still i dont stop looking.So Suzy,the only comfort i am able to offer you,is that you are not alone.Suzy,do you often wonder”as i do”how many mothers,fathers,brothers,sisters,nan,s,grandads”could go on”whom are going through this hell.My son went to thiland a couple of years ago.My brother paid his fare.He spent 6 months over there,lived with his dad”been divorced many years”i thought,this was going to answer all my prayers.After a short time there,his dad rang me,to say he is heavily drinking and caused trouble where ever he went.I new then,that if it were not crack he was addicted to,it would be something els.He has lost his 11 year old daughter yet again.So once again Suzy,remember you are not alone.Who knows,what the future will be for us.But please keep in touch,and look forward to comforting one another.And just before i conclude this post,does it comfort you,being a drugs councillor,and do find it rewarding.I myself was thinking,maybe i should
Help mums like us.Dearest Suzy,my heart breaks,to know,how you are suffering,.If only i could do more to comfort you.In all sincerity y.Eavy

[maxx]

Hello Eavy, I’m so sorry to hear about your son and how it impacts on your life, i can’t imagine how it feels to have been dealing with it for so long I can understand some of your feelings and i expect most of the other family members on this site. My heart goes out to you I know it won’t help but … xxx My son has been an addict for 10 years he will be 30 this year as far as we know he uses so called legal highs and weed, he has lost everything his business his relationship and his friends the only thing he has left is his little dog that we have to look after for him. He blames everyone for how his life is. We try to have him at home (everyone says leave him to sleep on the streets and to hit rock bottom lord know what that actually is though … ) It’s heartbreaking we go through the same cycle he comes home takes his drugs sleeps for a week I get angry go through his stuff (I know it’s wrong ) we’ve tried it all chucking the stuff away when we find leave it where it’s been hidden and check how much he’s taken etc (he’s very convincing if you ask him what he’s taken he will say nothing that’s he’s been clean for weeks etc) and then starts getting argumentative then abusive angry which ends up with him leaving shouting no one cares or does anything for him etc goes of for a week turns up at the house all hours if he doesnt get a warm welcome give a bit more abuse and storms off. He’s been in trouble with the police they always call the mental health unit he has been sectioned a few times but each time nothing happens and the hospital say it’s drug related to they discharge him and we start again. He was at home for Christmas and the whole family got on great we replenished again all of the stuff he’d ‘lost’ while out on the streets, I though maybe this is the turning point we looked after him he was starting to look well we could even have a bit of a conversation with him I said to him about how well he was looking and maybe he should try and get some help with the drug addiction and he seemed to take notice. But then the cycle started again, it sometimes feels to me he doesn’t want to have what we class a normal life but he does want us there to provide for him and food/shelter as long as it under his terms. Since New Year he got so obnoxious that i told him he needed to sort something out he’d outstayed his welcome (that haunts me every time i think about it) he left for a few days came back got worse then left slept on the streets got in trouble with the police had mental health assessment been in court it just never ends. His brother get really annoyed with us for taking him back all of the time but it just feels so wrong knowing he’s sleeping rough i know these are his choices and i get frustrated that we have to live this life along side him it feels there is no way forward this is the life we have to live just waiting for the knock on the door. My heart goes out to you all Eavy Suzy and broken mum just reading the blogs makes you realise your not alone xx

[eavy]

Dearest Max
Thank you so much for your reply,and kind words.I am so sory,that you two, are having to deal with your sons addiction.It is indeed,a very lonly place to be.It,s easy for others,to say,you should use tuff love.But if they have never been through,this hell,they could never understand,why we do what we do.I myself “since my sons addiction”have never judged no one.I myself,will stand by my son,till my last breath.But i wonder,would i still feel the same,if my son,did not work,sleep on the streets,abusive to me,blame me for his addiction,come,s home every now and then.Who knows,how much, one can suffer.I do know,that these legal high,s,are very addictive.And the trouble is,they have to have more,”as like crack”its the only thing that makes them feel better.It,s a never ending jurney.I think that maybe talking to others”on hear”that keeps us sane.U would not wish this life,on my worse enamy.you wil see, by my previouse posts,that,not eaven a heart attack,could take the devil off my sons shoulder.But some how he is still working,and paying his rent,for his lovly little place.I think i could write a book,of how life has been,for the past 18 years.So many people,have turned to legal high,s,owing to the low cost.But so addictive.I wish i was able to offer some comfort to you Max,i truly do.But it seems,that we can only;tell one another of our heart ache.And my heart aches for you.Life should not be like this.Some times i wait and wait,for reply,s to my post.So i was so greatfull to receive yours Max.So please keep in touch.Until then,xxx take care,and know,that i am always ready,to listen.And as you say,your not alone.Love Eavy.xxx

[mrs-p]

My heart aches reading these stories, my son is just 20 and heading in the same way he is my only son and also was a lovey handsome boy with everything to live for , my heart is broken and don’t know how I’m going to cope but reading these stories make me feel not so alone , it’s good to share , thankyou x

[eavy]

Hi mrs p,i do indeed understand your suffering.And every so often,i feel i need to talk about my heartach”regarding my adorable son.since my last time visiting this site,unfortunatly,there has been no improvement with my sons addiction.If anything,it has got worse.But i stil maintain,that i will “as a mother”be hear for him.But will never enable him in any way.I have “over the past 20 years”realised,that there is only one chance for him to overcome this desease,and that is,when my son has had enough.As i have said,i am not a religouse person,but i will pray for you,just as i pray for my son.Take care,and i wish you and your son well.And thank you so much,for the time given,to read my post.As i do not receive many reply,s,when i need them most.So i remain greatful,and look forward to talking again.Until then xxxxx

[eavy]

Hi mrs p,i do indeed understand your suffering.And every so often,i feel i need to talk about my heartach”regarding my adorable son.since my last time visiting this site,unfortunatly,there has been no improvement with my sons addiction.If anything,it has got worse.But i stil maintain,that i will “as a mother”be hear for him.But will never enable him in any way.I have “over the past 20 years”realised,that there is only one chance for him to overcome this desease,and that is,when my son has had enough.As i have said,i am not a religouse person,but i will pray for you,just as i pray for my son.Take care,and i wish you and your son well.And thank you so much,for the time given,to read my post.As i do not receive many reply,s,when i need them most.So i remain greatful,and look forward to talking again.Until then xxxxx

[confused-mother-of-2]

I’ve been there except he hasn’t gotten to the point of getting help… are things still well?

[sk]

Hi

Even though my partner has been an addict for the length of time he has I have never looked into help for myself until now. I was reading about enabling you mentioned and cannot believe how I fit the profile of an enabler its like the penny finally dropped. I have always been worried about him paying his bills like car insurance n phone bill n other direct debits that when hes said he cannot afford them cus his sick pay does’nt cover (mmmm…….) I straight away have stepped in and paid them ” what a complete and utter dickhead I have been” I am typing this with the biggest smile on my face becos tonight I av told him after all these years that his behaviour is unacceptable and will not be tolerated anymore I will no longer enable him to act like this and he must take whatever consequences come with his stupidity and addiction. Wow I feel like I have just grown the biggest pair of balls and stuck em on.

Amazing thank you so much for your help and words of wisdom.

[kelly6714]

You havent acted like a dickhead 🙂 youve acted out of love, but well done you for telling him how it is. My partner finally came to see the children yesterday and asked to do a test he of course failed. He told me sunday he was three days clean he told me yesterday he was three days clean he will probabley be three days clean forever you know how this goes. He told me yesterday hed been to the doctors and been prescribed tablets for seziures (hes never had a fit i know off) of course i googled them and they to can be abused i asked how he managed to get into the doctors so quick (normally you have to wait weeks for an appoitment) i asked to see the box with his name and address on it, he said he put it in the bin. You see thats the trouble with an addict isnt it he could be telling the truth and thats what we hope but as you learn and move forward i can tell myself that he most probably isnt telling the truth. I let that empower me now that his lies will no longer get under my skin yes it still hurts like mad but they wont destroy me. Its funny how our stories are so similer day by day, its funny how addicts all do and say the same things. My friend has asked me out for dinner thursday as my mum is having the girls over night. My partner begged me not to go saying the thought of me going out will make him want to use. You know what that is his choice i shall go out to dinner and turn my phone off. But you know how this is i shall spend friday rapt in guilt and picking up the pieces because i love him xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
I can only say that I feel very sad reading your post and hope that you will be able to get some help so that can deal with things without feeling so alone.
If you would like someone to talk to The Icarus Trust is a charity that offers one to one support from our trained volunteers. These are called ‘Family Friends ‘ who would also be able to signpost you to other professional support.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I really hope that you can get some help really soon.

[icarus-trust]

Hi
Thank you for sharing your story. I can hear how desperate you are that the cycle of your son’s behaviour just carries on and it must be so difficult living with that.
The Icarus Trust is a charity that provides support to families and friends of addicts because we know how difficult this is. If you would like to contact us we could put you in touch with one of our ‘Family Friends.’ These are experienced and trained volunteers who you could talk with which might help you to find a way forward, and who would help you to find out what other services are available.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the very best.

[maxx]

Hello Thank you for replying I will email to try and get some support or advice we are at the end of our tether and have no clue what to do or where to turn. Maxx

[sk]

i really really hope you go out with your friend you deserve the break you know your girls will be well looked after and as for him its like you say its his choice i am sure if you would’nt have been going out he would still make the same choice. They never fail to make you feel guilty do they? its like a magic power they have. Sounds like the 10 steps back you where waiting to come, chances are hes probably bought them. They always have an excuse dont they. we must be living parallell lives. my partner been today he looked well he’d also been to gp to get sick note and managed to get prescription for diazepam bet he dint tell them he’d bought some tho. he told me he was scared with what i said to him about not tolerating his behaviour think he knows i am deadly serious told him if he spends it i am not putting it back cannot believe how different i feel today and thats all thanks to you never had this support before its made me stronger.

i work in a gp practice and believe me they dont prescribe tablets like that with no evidence he would need hosp test and diagnosis etc before they would even consider prescribing it has to come from a speciqlist

[sk]

sorry pressed submit button too early. Hope u enjoy your meal please forgive spelling, typin this on a very little phone x

please keep intouch speak soon and again a big THANK U xx

[latebloomer]

WOW, THAT IS HARD!!! I’M SORRY TO HEAR THAT. AND KNOW THAT YOUR MOM TOO IS OVERWHELMED WITH FEAR AS WELL AND SHE JUST PROBABLY CANT TAKE ANY MORE BAD NEWS FROM HER FAMILY THAT’S WHY SHE BRUSHES YOUR CONDITIONS OFF. (I’M SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS, i’M NOT YELLING. i COULDN’T FIND MY GLASSES) i JUST FOUND GLASSES. I am a mom too. and Ive been a daughter as well. Ive used drugs and had kids who used drugs. So I know that your life might seen so stuck but its not. Do you have health insurance and a doctor? At 17 I believe you can make appointment on your own to start the ball rolling to get you help> You are most likely depressed too. You are right in feeling this way but know it will get better. Your family is suffering and you all need each other but you are at point where you need to think about moving out. Maybe with a friend. Not a boyfriend as those kind of relationships right now for you will be hard and add to your level of stress. Do you have an aunt or grandparent you could stay with right now? you need to love your family. No ones perfect. but you need to take care of you too. So distance yourself from the unhealthy chaos. good luck t you.

[sianny25]

I feel so sorry for you, this sounds like what my dad has to put up with! I have recently posted “do I give up on her for my own sanity”… I live with my parents and my mum is an alcoholic, my poor dad has been married to her for 40 years and he just puts up with her, all he gets is abuse from her! We all say that we cant understand how he deals with it and tell him to leave her! – He always says ‘how can I do that to her!’ but we always say, you have to think of yourself. I think he is also waiting for my mum to die to be honest, its such a sad situation 🙁 .. if you left her do you think it would give her a ‘kick up the bum’ or??? I don’t know what to suggest as its so easy to give advice, but so hard to take it. Have you tried sitting down with her and explaining how upset it makes you, there are many numbers she can call to have advice, and there will be an underlying problem to her drinking, so maybe she could see a councillor to discuss the issues? good luck and take care

[icarus-trust]

Hello,
I’m so sorry to read your post and that you have no one to talk to about this. There are people you could talk with who would understand what you’re living through at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support for the friends and family of addicts. We have a service called ‘Family Friends’ who are experienced, trained and you could talk with if you got in touch. Sometimes its just good to talk and it may help you to find a way forward.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the best. I hope you can find some support.

[bluebutterfly1]

Thank you Sianny25 for your reply. I was having a really low moment last week and needed to vent.
Not that things are any better this week but I’m not feeling like I need to throw mugs at a wall!
she has been a ‘drinker’ for years, unfortunately it got worse 3-4 years ago. We’ve gone through withdrawal fits, D.Ts – which put her in intensive care, bad bruising and broken bones from falls. I say we’ve gone through it because she doesn’t remember any of it. I’m the one who witnesses all of these awful things.
She’s gone through all types of therapy- came out of meetings and got drunk.
I’d do anything to make her stop but I know her. If I put her out, she would get into a dangerous situation .
I couldn’t live with myself knowing I had a hand in that. I feel for your father. I completely understand the feeling of loyalty and responsibility. Even if they don’t deserve it. They are the person we once loved deeply and they loved us. To see this person crumble away , being ruled by a bottle is heart breaking. We all give good advice to each other …In our hearts we know what we should do to make our own lives better..But we can’t do it. We can’t turn our backs on the person we once knew. Your dad won’t leave your mum, the same way I won’t leave my partner. But something you could do would be to invite him over for dinner or out for a walk..and NOT talk about her. Your mum is on his mind 24/7 having an hour or 2 away from her helps to recharge the batteries and help him cope with the next episode.

[bluebutterfly1]

Thank you to the person at incarus trust who responded. I will keep your details and contact the trust if I’m brave enough to ever say these things out loud to another person

[icarus-trust]

Hi BlueButterfly
I hope that you give speaking to someone a try and get comfort and support from it.
All the very best to you.

[icarus-trust]

Hi
So sorry to hear how you are feeling. You are right it is very hard on the families and friends around addiction but there is help for you out there. It sounds like it might be good to talk through how you worried you are feeling with someone who would understand what you are going through. The Icarus Trust is a charity which supports people like yourself. We could offer you the support of one of our experienced trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends who you could talk with .
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that contacting us might help you. Good luck.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Ariel,
Thank you for posting your story. I’m so sorry that you are finding it so hard living with the effect of your husband’s drinking. It must be so worrying for you.
If you feel that you would like to talk with someone who would understand, please contact The Icarus Trust, a charity that provides support for those living with the affects of a loved ones addictions. Our ‘Family Friends,’ experienced trained volunteers are available for you to talk with. It may help you to work out how to go forward and would also give you contacts for other support available.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything.

[cant-take-no-more]

Oh Hunni, it’s so hard and you sound like are suffering so much…your mum doesn’t meAn to ignore your crries of help….it must be hard..however you are very important and need some support. Have mum and dad sought support for themselves..dealing with an addict is hard, lonely and frustrating and frightening….I agree with the poster who replied…can you go to grandparents for a while? Speak to your doctor, find a local support group and perhaps when. MUm and dad are together tell them …,don’t deal with this alone Hunni..hugs to you and take care xxx

[icarus-trust]

Thank you for sharing your story Emmalou. What an awful frightening time you have been having. I’m so sorry.
If you think it would help you please contact The Icarus Trust as we are a charity that supports people in similar position to yourself, dealing with the impact of another’s addiction. We offer a free service called ‘family Friends’. These are our experienced trained volunteers who you could be put in touch with. Talking with one of them might help you to make sense of things.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the very best.

[emmalouise]

This post scares me only because it rings home so much.my older brother has mental health issues and sadly i diagnose him with it because he wont get help. Constantly asking him to see someone, its always someone elses fault not his. My mum blames herself, but for what? Protecting him more, giving him more, all because he feels its his right she pays for him. Mehhhh fed up of trying to get through to them

[kelly6714]

Its helped me to speaking to you i look forward to your replies. My partner is to looking better i put that down to being six days clean now i know he is only three days supposedly clean he looks a bit to well if you get my meaning !. I looked the tablets up and apparently.if taken with heroin it can intensify the high or they can be used to help with withdrawel who knows the truth. They are called gabapentin not sure if thats the correct spelling. Tomorrow is day five of his so called not using everything i have read says heroin will definitly be out your system five days max. He is still testing positive today no doubt will tomorrow to although it will kill me. The constant dissapointment is whats so hard and there so convincing. I shall let you know how tomorrows test goes.as he still swears blind saturday was his last use day. Excuse the spelling mistakes im typeing quickly on a break at work. All the best.xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
The Icarus Trust is a charity which supports people around addiction. We have trained volunteers who you could talk to in complete confidence. This might help you to find a way ahead. If you would like to be put in touch with one of our ‘Famiiy Friends’ who have all had experience of addiction in their families then please get in touch.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.

[sk]

no idea whats happening with this blog tonite but just typed an essay and its gone dissapeared forever but if it does turn up no doubt it wil be on 5 times lol. i was just saying that gabapentin is serious stuff even people who.have seizures cannot have it because of how it affects them so i doubt very much gp will have prescribed it but you never know.

yes please do let me know how you go with test tomorrow. how did he manage to stop before?? and if hes done it once then surely he can do it again!!

[angelcm294]

My husband left us a year ago when we had our last kid because he has always been afraid of having kids (so embarrassing). I was in a dark world, things did not go as we have planned when we exchanging our marriage vows, he hates kids and never plays with them even on their birthdays; he always wants to have me alone for reasons best known to him. I tried teaching him ways to love kids but he constantly keeps his distance away from them which made them to think that he is not their father.
He finally left us to an unknown destination when he couldn’t bear with the pressure around him. I suffered and convinced them that their father will change to a better man and come back. This made me stand by my word because I don’t want to be a lying Mother, so I had to find ways to bring back my Boo as a changed man until I overheard a woman in a mall talking to her friend about a Spell Doctor called Dr. Wakina who help her sister get back her husband; so I quickly asked her if she can help me with the doctor’s contact if he can help me.
Thanks to her and Dr. Wakina who changed my husband and brought him back to us as I promised our kids. He now loves them and plays with them. Dr. made him a lovely Father and Husband. I am so happy that I finally fulfilled the promise I made to my kids. Contact Doctor Wakina if you are suffered relationship humiliation via dr.wakinalovetemple@gmail.com

[icarus-trust]

Hi Tabbie,
I’m so sorry that you feel you are so alone having to deal with the impact of your partner’s drinking. It sounds like you could really do with talking to someone who would understand what you are going through.
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust that offers support to family and friends of people with addictions. We have experienced trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’ who you could talk with if you get in touch.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope you can get some help and support for yourself.

[kelly6714]

Hello 🙂 The first time he stopped was with a drug reabilitation order through the courts and he did a programme with methadone and suboxine. It was tough really tough for both of us. Drug tested him this evening and he passed the test was negative for opiates i felt so proud. There are still alot of trust issues i need to work on and as an addict the temptation is always there but from those few steps back weve had a giant leap forward. Please keep in touch about your husband your friendship has been invaluable.

[sk]

Oh thank god I feel so happy for you. Just goes to show they can tell the truth. I know exactly what you mean with the trust issues I was constantly worrying when he nipped out if hes going elsewhere or if he took too long on the toilet it was that bad, but defo feel we are moving in the right direction so far me with my new found strength and you with a clean drug test.

Really hope he can stick to it. Let me know how you are doing and yes likewise with the friendship makes a change to speak to someone with hope u are a real credit to this site and to him I hope he knows that.

take care speak soon x

[kelly6714]

Morning sk he is still taking the gabapentin claiming they are prescribed but for now i am happy that the opiate test is negative. And yes its true you find yourself wondering why there in the shower so long and listening while there in a toilet. I am not ready for him to move back yet he needs to show me now that he wants his family back. I have told him if he wants to continue to see the girls he will have to pee when i say pee if he refuses to take a drug test randomly i will assume he has used. I spoke to my partner about your husband and he said that nurexone (know idea how to spell it) is an implant similier to the contraceptive implant which is good as it means hes not able to remove it. Apparently its a complete blocker so if he uses he will nothing from it. My partner said to me it will feel like hes no longer in love or a relationship with the drug. There is a risk of od as he may take loads of heroin to try to feel something but it blocks the effects to the brain and the pyscological aspects will be delt with. At least once he has the implant you can rest assured that his mind will no longer be filled with heroin but once again filled with thoughts of you. The road is always rocky with an addict but i have every faith in your husbands ability to get clean and i cant think of anyone more deserving than yourself to have your wish come true. X

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
Its really good that your brother wants your help but you may find that you will need some support yourself in order to help him, as it may not be an easy road ahead. The Icarus Trust is a charity which helps support the families and friends of those with addictions. We could offer you the support of one of our trained ‘Family Friends’ who you could talk with. They would also be able to signpost other services that would be able to help your brother.
This is a free service so you might think it worth trying and hopefully you will find it useful and supportive.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Its really good that you are there to look after your brother but don’t forget to look after yourself!
Good luck.

[alicex]

Hi wexford63
I am sure both yourself and his mother feel you are doing all you can.
I myself did what i thought was right. At the time you have no idea what is right.
I do feel your pain as its not what we hope for, for our children. You must get a full mixture of emotions.
With hindsight what would we do different …who knows. The fact is its real and happening.
Please share your feelings with others dont keep all your feelings bubbling. Yes you love your child but hate what hes done to himself. There is hope but no quickfix. Help yourself on this journey. I agree you need to be firm but also thats easy to say when you love them so much.
I hope and pray around the corner is waiting the answer. I couldnt see it until someone else stepped in.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
Thank you for posting. I’m so sorry to read your son’s story and to see how it affects you. It must be very hard for you to see the impact the drugs are having.
You sound incredibly strong and consistent which I’m sure helps your son but it is sad to read that you and your other son are struggling.
It often helps to talk and if you would like to be put in touch with people who would understand what you are coping with please contact The Icarus Trust.
We are a charity that provides support for people like you who are dealing with a loved ones addiction. We have experienced trained volunteers who you could be put in touch with. Talking with one of our ‘Family Friends’ may be able to help you to see way ahead and to know what other services are available.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I do hope that you will be able to get some support for yourself. Good luck with everything!

[elf]

Can I say that I have read a lot of posts but what stands out about your post is your strength, consistency and determination. You are exactly what an addict needs. You have kept calm and rational for your son and if he is not respondibg positively then it is not because of you. All I can say is just keep doing what you are doing and remaun string and consistent for your son. I pray that he will turn a corner because above all people, you deserve it. Good luck!

[sk]

morning i understand what you are saying about the gabapentin anything is better then heroin and one step at a time. i am the same about him moving back in words are not enough actions speak louder to me and he also has to prove he is worthy of me and his kids. really happy for you and the kids you also deserve to be happy and tell him thanks for the.heads up on the natrexone implant. jus going to let him get on with it now i feel like my addiction is.now over like i have let go of all the stress and anxiety that surrounds it not saying that it does’nt hurt becos you know more then anyone it does.
i will never be able to thank you enough for your. help and support. please keep me updated on how you are. speak soon x

[nitty]

I totally understand what u said about its like grieving for the person that was before I feel that way about my boyfriend of 4 years a cocaine addict I’ve lost him to a drug and I would rather be cheated on than feel this pain and it’s never ending, hope u and your kids are okay xxx

[sk]

Hi kelly hope u are enjoying a meal tonight have fun speak soon xx

[kelly6714]

Hi sk i really should listen to my own advice i told my friend i was ill and went to see my partner we went out had something to eat and a few drinks big mistake !!! Its almost like now he is off the drugs hes gone back to his happy go lucky self no remorse for everything he put me through and all my anger came tumbling out i bought up the fact he cheated on me and he said why you bringing that up now for. I said because i havent had time to deal with it ive been to worried about you. His reply i dont need this hassle in my life right now im trying to heal its like you want me back on the drugs because all you do is stress me out !! – seriously he has no idea of the ever lasting damage he has done to us and his family. Then he started waffling on about how the gabapentin has made him feel great he feels like he could take on the world at which point i made my excuses and let kicking myself for not enjoying seeing my friend. Have you heard anymore from your husband ? Where abouts in the country are you xx

[sk]

Its so annoying is’nt it. its like they have no sense of what they are like whilst on the drugs and just expect that you can handle whatever they do to you without even a mention of sorry. its all about them all the time. my partner rang me yestetday i have’nt been ringing him at all left it him to contact me and if he does’nt i just think oh well. This gabapentin sounds like a substitute does’nt it i wonder what he would be like without them mmmmm….. i live in south yorkshire, sheffield, whereabouts are you? xx. Really sorry that things did’nt go to plan xx

[sk]

morning hope you are ok xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
You sound like a really strong supportive person and I really hope that your partner is able to use the help he is given to get better. He seems to be saying and doing the right things at the moment, but it may not be an easy road ahead for either of you. I really hope that you can get some support for yourself too because what you’re dealing with is hard. The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports the families and friends of people with addictions. We offer the free service of our trained volunteers called ‘family Friends’ who you could talk with, which may help you if you can offload your feelings and worries. They could also signpost you to the other services that may help your partner.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this helps you, as well as your partner.

[kelly6714]

Hi sk im ok thank you. Tomorrow is my daughters birthday so her dad is coming tonight for a drug test. This time he has to pee in front of me (the lenghts we go to) he has of course bought his daughter nothing but i have agreed the gifts i got can be from us both and i got him a card to her. This is for her benefit not his. Hope you are ok and forgot to say im in southampton x

[sk]

glad your ok. yes the things we do to protect the children. hope he passes the test for the sake of your daughter. hope she has a lovely birthday and you have a peaceful day. i dont blame you for making him do it in front of you, you have to be sure. my partner turned up at house yesterday unannounced told him hes to ring he cannot.just show up because it upsets my daughter when he has to leave again. i will make sure he learns one day. he needs to consider other peoples feelings instead of thinking of hiself. ( be strange for him to do that for a change). Anyway have a lovely day tomorrow. speak soon let me know how he goes on with his test xx

[kelly6714]

Ok sk its shit really shit excuse the swearing but im so mad/hurt/confused right now. So i collect him yesterday evening day before my daughters birthday he seems fine but does say he has sickness bug. He takes some imodium says hes feeling a little better. He stays the night on sofa to be there when ouour daughter opens her presents in the morning. I hear him being sick in toilet at night. He wakes up this morning i remind him about drug test he quite happily goes and does it then comes down and days its positive he genuinly seemed surprised (bearing in mind ive had clear tests for over a week now). He says he doesnt understand i say whay about imodium he says no that wont effect it we google sure enough it can SOMETIMES cause false positives. Fast forward an hour he says he feels worst noisy kids driving him mad he wants to go home so i take him home ruining the day. Now um sat here wondering if hes telling the truth or did he use knowing he cud use imodium as an excuse and was the sickness withdrawels explaining why he left. But with clear tests for over a week he must not have used for ages plus he.looks.so much better god i hate this

[icarus-trust]

I am so sorry with what you are feeling and have been going through.. It must be heart breaking for you after all you have done to try and help your partner. I really would like you to suggest that you get some support for yourself now. Sadly loads of people go through the same as you and its really hard, but there is support for people that have been affected by another person’s addiction.
The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports the friends and families of addicts. We have a ‘Family Friends’ service. These are trained volunteers who would be able to talk with you and give you any help or support you might need.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
May be this could help you to move on. Good luck!

[sk]

Sounds like you have had a day as bad as mine, its so difficult to say whether he is or is’nt telling the truth you want so bad to believe them but its always there eating away at you its like never ending doubt and its hard for them if they are telling the truth to prove their innocence so its a lose lose situation for you, I am always over analising situations like that constantly thinking the worst if hes too long nipping to shops it just eats away at you all the time. They get their head sorted and we just live as a shell expected to deal with it without any help and its still all about them. I had quite a good day up until about 10pm when he rang me to say hes smashed his car into a bus not his fault apparently bus was stationery and he was overtaking (on his way to see me allegedly) thought I’d be sumat to do with it, and another car came out of nowhere at speed so he had no option but to hit bus or have head on he thinks they will rite it off but he has no money to pay excess its just one things after another with him and it pisses me off worst of all my car broke down yesterday so got to have that fixed aswell and its a bank holiday suprised I am not grey eith all this shit. Thing is I know how he drives hes erratic I very rarely go in car with him because of how he drives. I can see what hes done hes took a massive risk trying to beat other oncoming car and not made it. Then when I went mad at him asking how he wil afford to pay for it he said oh well dont bother asking how I am thanks for that he said, the cheeky f##ker after all hes done he has cheek to say that to me told him I had to go at that point otherwise I would have said something I would regret. So now I am too sat here wondering what to do while the kid sleep. Its just all crap is’nt it. Sorry to rant at you but think I would go crazy if I did’nt have you to speak to.

Only thing I can say is can you test him again in couple of days did it say how long it stayed in body for immodium. I just don’t know I am so sorry that your day did’nt go as planned yet again just hope your daughter had a nice birthday and hope he is telling the truth.

If it helps there is a sickness and diarrhoea bug going round sheffield at the moment so maybe he is genuine take care speak soon xx

[sk]

Sorry forgot to add,The only thing I could say to him was like I told him if he would have rang me I would’nt have been in anyway so he would’nt have needed to come over. So frigging pissed off with him any words of wisdom from you would be appreciated but just dont say at least hes ok (Lol) xx

[kelly6714]

I would say get your car fixed and when he cant afford to fix his car and buys a bicycle make sure to drive past him when its raining through the biggest puddle ever looking smug ;-)… in all seriousness though what a selfish thing to do he could have been hurt which is just more stress for you. I actually cant say weather addicts are all incredibly selfish or we just picked incredibly self centered men mine didnt seem to improve on that front when he was clean everything is my fault. He once blamed the crappy weather on me because whenever i take.time off work it pours.down would be quite funny if it wasnt for the fact he was deadly serious. Why cant we love decent caring men we really should hate them but we dont. How is he doing on the drug front ?

[dd]

hi, I recommend that you have a look online and type in domestic violence, they will have a free phone number for you to get some answers. you can use google translate if you need to. also I have been through something similar in a past relationship. I have kids too.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Darcy,
Thank you for sharing your sad story. If you think it would help please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the friends and family dealing with a loved ones addiction.
Our experienced trained volunteers would be happy to talk with you if you feel that would help.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the very best to you.

[icarus-trust]

Hi
You could also contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity who tries to support the family and friends of addicts.
Please contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
This is a free service and you will get some help if you contact us.
Good luck!

[kelly6714]

Its been going through my head today i may help him get clean and sort his life out for him to decide to go off with another women because thats pretty much all the thanks i would get. Shame you live so far away im sure we would have a great natter a few tears and some laughs over a cuppa or three xx

[sk]

Oh you make me laugh just what I needed. Think we would probably need a thousand tea bags for our problems. They are unreal are’nt they you just could’nt bottle it could you the corkers they come out with and as for blaming you for the weather well priceless we should do the mastercard adverts we would be rite good at em lol. I can see why you would be insecure about that and add to the selfishness then yeah I would be the same. I know when some go on these residential ones that can last up to 12 month they can never go back its like witness protection programme. This is what I am saying about not dealing with your own issues yours just get brushed under carpet because you have to deal with theirs all the pissing time. The drug front he seems to be ok still on prescribed diazepam from his gp but whats happened with crash today jus baffled me cus where he said it happened was not really on the way to mine well it was but very strange way of going and when I questioned him he said he always goes that way but not convinced but then again he has no cash and I have his bank card so no way of getting any but who knows sick of thinking of all different scenarios my brain actually hurts thats if there is one in there. I would love the fairy tale ending or even begining or middle would be good fact is they are jus shit heads and yes we should defo hate them but its thwt stupid thing called an heart that attaches to someone and makes you love em ( god dam it) he has always been selfcentered too remember when we first got together bought him a ring with our names etched inside he went mad because i told him I was’nt going up that night and he planned time with his friends should have ran then but at 14 yrs old I was besotted same when I bought him some diamond earrings out of my bonus from work he made me take them back because I bought him wrong ones he said I should have waited til he was there cus I always get it wrong so always been selfish ungrateful git god when I think back hes a right twat really. Thank you again for just making me laugh n destressing jus for being you really. Its my birthday soon that will be fun be poundland not that I would’nt be grateful for anything but sometimes he even used to sigh n says oh god I’VE GOT YOUR BIRTHDAY TO PAY FOR ASWELL I was like well its same date every year and oh by the way sorry for being born why dont you just go n hit my mum with a brick for having me lol x

[icarus-trust]

SI feel really sad to hear how your brothers addiction has also badly affected you and your parents. Its really hard being a friend or family member of an addict and often these people need help too.
The Icarus Trust is a charity which supports those, like yourself who are affected by an addicts behaviour. If you felt it would help you we could put you in touch with one of our ‘family Friends’ who you could talk with. They are trained volunteers with lots of experience of what you are going through. May be talking with one of them would help you to come to terms with how you are feeling.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I really hope that you may find this a useful way ahead. Good luck!

[slow-hand]

Hey guys i can’t get the comments is there a trick to this?

[administrator]

Hi, thank you for sharing your story with us. Congratulations on your successful recovery, and we are sorry to hear that your family is still struggling and that it is affecting you.

On our forum we occasionally receive automated spam posts, which we delete, and this is why you were notified that someone commented on your post. Sorry for the confusion.

Best wishes,
Adfam

[leigh]

Hey slow hand
Firstly congratulations 13years is amazing, well done.
My partner uses cocaine and I am also at a loss of what to do not only does he’s family do it the encourage him too and supply it. Or will lend him money that he can’t afford to borrow.
I am now at my wits end and although it’s hard I understand the only option I can see is to cut them out.
Having influences that close to home is making it all that much harder. He’s been advised to change he’s number by he’s sponsor and I agree. What sort of family members would be so damaging to a loved ones recovery.
The thing is they all have drug/drink problems but don’t see or believe it and brush it off so they don’t understand why he is trying not to do it.
Really hope you don’t get pulled back in and would love to know what you have decided to do.
Don’t give up giving up you’re doing so well!. ????????????????

[leigh]

Really should of said that he used to use he has recently relapsed with non other than he’s sister and her boyfriend but he is in meetings and on the path to recovery x

[icarus-trust]

Hi Slowhand
Thanks for sharing your story and giving other people hope at what can be achieved.
I’m sorry you are finding things so difficult with your family. If you would like to talk with people who would understand what you are dealing with please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support for people who are having to deal with the affects of other people’s addictions.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the very best.

[sk]

Just wanted to say aswel I have never seen so much stuff on tv a lately about addiction I mean what is happening usually there is nothing and now its on everyday think with robbin williams dying that kicked it all off. X

[icarus-trust]

So sad to hear your story. There is help out there for people like yourself. The Icarus Trust is a charity which supports people who are being affected by the addiction of a friend or family member.
Please think about contacting us, because we could put you in touch with one of our ‘Family Friends’. These are experienced trained volunteers who you would be able to talk with. This is a free service and it might help you to know what to do next.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I really hope that you will be able to find some support for yourself. Good luck!

[sk]

oh n very last thing guess where it all is the stuff i bought him aswel as some of mine that he “borrowed” cus i was’nt wearing them. Pawn shop suprise suprise so if its not fecking glued down he wil take it and probably sniff the glue aswel x not funny really but if u dont laugh all thats left to do is cry. Never thought he would do owt like that to me but an addict is an addict through n through x nite x well should be saying morning seen as tho its 1:30 am x

[confused-mother-of-2]

How long did it take to hear back?

[kelly6714]

Hello my lovely, hope your ok today :-). So my not so better half (as i shall now refer to him) rang me this morning. Due to still being so mad about the imodium/ruined birthday situtation i toyed with the idea of ignoring the phone call but my heart informed me that this may be the call where he is ringing to inform me that he realises hes a retard and treats me badly he has become a brain surgoen would like to get married and has bought horses so we can ride off happily ever after into the sunset. It wasnt. He phoned to ask if i was cooking a roast hes hungry (bank holiday tradition) i say yes. He says can i pick him up its raining. My brain says no walk you friggin idiot my voice says yes. We get back here i make him a cuppa and give him a test. He passes so i guess the imodium story was true. Then he sits his arse on the sofa watching tv while i cook roast / tidy up / feed the baby / change nappies / entertain bored 8 year old/ deal with dog / wave tea towel dementedly at fire alarm from burnt roast due to above. He doesnt move all day except at 7pm to say the kids winging is stressing him out can i please take him home. Now bear in mind this is only a 20 minute car journey but as you know with kids in tow we may as well be going on a round the world trip. Shoes, coats, hats, blankies, drinks, snacks, duvet (the 8 year old insisted). Finally get home and he sends me a message saying hes exhausted ha haha ha ha SERIOUSLY !!! So heres my new dilemia like i said we had ten happy years together before his relapse (i say happy he was still a lazy selfish so and so but like you my heart chose him). Anyways as you know he moved in with his boss when i found out he was useing again his boss only charges him 150 a month so less than he was paying here. Today made me think what reason does he have to come home he has the best of both worlds me here cooking cleaning looking after the kids at his beak and call and he has his own place to chill and relax when it gets to much. Were falling into a pattern of mon – thur hes living life life a single guy fri, sat and sun hes here what possible reason would he want to come back. But this isnt a relationship i dont want a part time boyfriend / dad. Bloody hell by making him move out ive shot myself in the foot again. How come they always come out smelling of roses.
Know exactly what you mean i bought him a onesie (he actually did want one) went to loads of effort to get the one he described, he opens it – and says well its not exactly right but it will have to do… Maybe we should treat them how they treat us and see if they like it.
I Wonder if the dimazipan had anything to do with the driving ? Are you allowed to drive on that as it makes you very sleepy. Its awful isnt it when you try to find answers to questions that they wont tell you ot goes round and round your head until your brain hurts and your none the wiser. Why they cant just tell the truth i dont know. I hope you have a very happy birthday you derve it xxx

[confused-mother-of-2]

Sorry auto correct ruined a lot of that. 5yr old son.

His binges work like this:
pick fights so he doesn’t feel guilty
go on a binge
first week ignore family and drop off map
talk about me like I’m awful so no one questions his decision
call me and tell me how sick of me complaining he is. “He is an addict and I should know this”
Communicating that way and binging for another week
hanging with guys that share or chicks he can use for a fix
running out of options and hitting rock bottom to come back and say he wants better

Repeat in a few months…

[macca]

My son is 23 and like you we are at a complete loss. The pain inside 24 hours a day the life he has taken from me my past gone and my future not looking good . I’ve come to the point that I don’t even want to wake up cus he’s took so much . I’ll waiting to see what comment are put to see if they help you me and others . Stay strong the only thing we have is hope

[icarus-trust]

I’m so sorry to read your post and can see how worried you are about your son.
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We offer support for those, like yourself, who are dealing with the impact of a loved one’s addiction.
If you think it would be helpful we have experienced trained volunteers who you could talk with and they would be able to signpost you to what other help that is available.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope this is of some help.
All the best.

[icarus-trust]

It sounds like you could use some support from someone who would understand what you are going through. The Icarus Trust is a charity which supports the families and friends of addicts. If you contact us we could put you in touch with one of our ‘Family friends’ who are experienced trained volunteers. it might help you to talk through how you are feeling with one of these. This is a free service so I hope you might try it.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope this helps.

[mrs-p]

Hi Macca your story made me soo sad and I’ve thought of you a lot since reading , I know what your saying cos I’m feeling the same just breaks my heart just wanted you to know your not alone xxxx

[icarus-trust]

I’m so sorry to read your post and can see how badly your sons drugs drinking and gambling is affecting you..
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We offer support for those, like yourself, who are dealing with the impact of a loved one’s addiction.
If you think it would be helpful we have experienced trained volunteers who you could talk with. They would understand what you are going through and and they would be able to signpost you to what other help that is available.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope this is of some help.
All the best.

[kelly6714]

Deserve it sorry writing on phone really small screen so spelling and puncuation terrible xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
Sadly, its a really hard situation that you are in. if you would like to talk to some one who would understand what you are going through then please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people, like you, who are having to deal with the impact of addiction. We offer a free service called ‘Family Friends’ and if you get in touch you could talk with one of these experienced trained volunteers.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that talking to someone like this will help you to understand what you would like to do next.
Good luck!

[sk]

Hi kelly well what can I say I have just nearly pee’d my pants laughing at your post nothing to do with the non existing pelvic muscles from my two 9lb 4oz babies honest lol. I am really starting to think that maybe we are seeing the same bloke cannot believe how much alike they are I think they could be brothers or sumat or its an addict thing. Really dont want to be competitive with you but check this out my partner moved back in with his mum who knocks on his door in a morning with tea and biscuits and cooks him meals and waites on him hand and foot so when he comes here he is the exact same never helps always says how exhausted he is and how hard it is for him to split his time evenly between them when baby cries and older one wants to do things like paint worst thing is when he shouts at her for pestering sorry but mr 2-4 hours every other day you do not have that right. He does’nt pay anything to his mum she wont take it off him and he does’nt pay anything here either I dont want him thinking I need him for anything so your right they do get best of both worlds, I am lucky to grab a quick shower at night time never mind be able to relax and sleep they are just unreal words escape me. He rang me today to say he gets a courtesy car for 48hrs while they take his away he was actually abit excited a bucket of shit n roses does come to mind I really wanted him to suffer but I suppose that will come mwhahaha, he ended by saying how much he misses me n kids and he loves me the only thing I said back was” yeah I love me too” his mum does my head in tho always texting me with how much he loves me n misses me i have a better relationship with her then him, I jus say yes he loves me that much its you thats texting to tell me. She says I have to trust him otherwise he will never get through this I have got to stop thinking bad all the time (cheek!!!) Told her I would’nt trust him as far as I could throw him and its not her thats had her jewellery pawned and stolen money out of bank account so dont tell me I need to start trusting him, she was’nt really impressed I dont think but sick of pussy footing around em. He said apparently he did’nt take diazepam cus he knew he was driving you see his tolerance for drugs is really high because of addiction so not alot affects him I am just struggling with his storey of how things happened I just think he took a massive risk n it did’nt work for the sake of a two minute wait ( what a bell end). That brain surgeon bit so funny best bit of all is we would go and accept the proposal lol.

Thanks for the laugh you crease me up and the birthday wishes just hope it wont be to much of an inconvenience for him I will probably have to buy him a pressie so he does’nt feel left out.

Take care xx

[sk]

By the way surely the boss wont want him there for much longer 150 is’nt alot its more then nothing like lol Does the boss know why hes there the real reason I mean you always have that to fall back on just ring boss anonymously make sure u put sumat over your mouth to sound muffled and withhold your number sorted jobs a good un. Infact give me bosses number and I will do it for you. I supprise myself sometimes with these master plans lol x

oh n RIP to the roast was it chicken, pig or cow no I am sure it tasted devine. I have a visit wednesday hes got appt at docs wed pm and another with iapt on friday so we will see what happens with them.

oh just remembered sumat else vodafone network been down for a week n he asked me to go to meadowhall n ask em why well you can imagine what I said it had alot of f’s in it cheeky git tho yes I will drag our two children out in the pissing rain to ask why your bill is high and you cannot ring em, would’nt mind but I have to take the children wherever I go when he goes anywhere it makes him disabled if I ask him to take kids he like oh it dunt matter I will leave it, told him before they are not your adoptive children you are not a baby sitter thats how it feels to me he can go when he pleases yet I feel I cannot just leave them with him I have to ask all the time then he pulls faces. I could have sworn he helped me create them x

[icarus-trust]

It is very hard for you to see what is happening to your son and the impact it is having on your grandson as well as yourself.
Sometimes it helps to talk through how you are feeling with someone who understands what you are going through. The Icarus Trust is a charity who supports people like yourself who are dealing with a loved one’s addiction. We offer a free service called ‘Family Friends’ If you contact us we could put you in touch with one of our experienced trained volunteers who you could talk with. They are experienced at helping people through similar situations which might help you with how you are feeling.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this helps you. Good luck!

[sk]

Hi matey hope u are ok xx

[kelly6714]

Morning :-)… so the girls are still soundo but the dog (I should say the not so better halves dog) insisted on standing by my head barking until i got up. There is a story with the dog to (there are always stories with our men arnt there). Artur is a seven month old shar pei puppy. TNSBH (new abbriviation for not so better half) insisted we get a dog i said no way what with the baby and that. Anyway he begged and pleaded swore he would walk it feed it train it blah blah blah. So we get a dog. Now i dont know if you are familier with the breed but i swear he is no normal dog he is like 1/4 dog, 1/4 walrus, 1/4 hippo and 1/4 pig hes awful and very ill mannered. All joking aside he is hard work chews everything, snaps, knocks everything over. Plus once september hits he will home alone for 12 hours a day between work school and childminders. So i decided to rehome him (sounds simple) five families have taken him and returned him because well hes horrible. So now i am stuck with his dog who is more hard work to look after than the kids. He publically messaged me on fb asking me not to put the dog down just so everyone would think bad of me and feel sorry for him !!
I agree they are probabley twins i get what you mean with the faces. When the baby cries he actually makes this face like a mixture of irratation and pain. Its quite sad really the amount of times my 8 year old goes to give him a cuddle and hes like sienna i cant see the telly. Moments like that i would like to punch him in the face. Hard.
His boss doesnt know the reason hes there he thinks its because of his one night stand which i will add is also my fault because i didnt give him enough attention, dress up and do my make up enough, always tired and didnt show him enough love. Im also not allowed to dwell or discuss his infedelity because the guilt HE feels makes him want to use TNSBH’s exact words.
Im not seeing him again until Friday. I have decided i cannot force him to come home. I dont want him crawling back tail between his legs i want him to come home because he loves and misses me. Although i wonder sometimes if there capable of real love. Sometimes i think the years of abuse have damaged there brains beyond repair that they no longer feel any real emotion. He never seems happy or sad or excited just well miserable to be honest. When there clean i think we expect them to suddenly change but there still the same idiots as before.
I did laugh at the tea and biscuits i wonder if she gives them to him on a saucer. I hope he gets crumbs in the bed and cant sleep for the itcyness of a digestive.
TNSBH also stole out my bank account back at the beginning of our relationship. I can only take 250 a day out on my card. He stole the card and took 250 out just before midnight and another 250 out just after leaving me with nothing.Were not allowed to discuss that either yep youve guessed it the guilt makes him want to use. Maybe i should try that line. I can imagine it now. Him: whats for dinner ? Me: i havent done dinner… Him: Why not ? Im hungry.. Me: well the thought of dinner makes me want to drink 20 bottles of wine !!!! They really are ridiculous specimens.
I hope his courtersy car breaks down. And i hope he has to push it, prefrebley up hill at great speed. Let me know how is appoitment goes. As much as we moan we love them and its all very heartbreaking but like you say laughing is better than crying and you have definitley saved a few of my tears and for that i am grateful xxx

[icarus-trust]

I ‘m really sad to hear that you don’t have any one to talk to help you deal with what is such a difficult time for you.
Sadly there are lots of people going through what you are. The Icarus Trust is a charity which supports the friends and families of addicts. We offer a free service called ‘Family Friends’ who are trained volunteers. if you contact us we would put you in touch with one of these. They have lots of experience of what you are going through and maybe it would help you to talk to one of them.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that you are able to get some support. It is really good to be able to talk through problems.
Good luck!

[sk]

Dogs are like children and yes I do know that breed and know they take alot of looking after cannot believe he put that statement on facebook I mean what a dick. Thing is I dont know about you but after having the kids my body has completely changed and my confidence is low so for me after it was lights out,curtains shut, cracks sealed and covers on and thats even if I had the energy after all the palaver. They should love us fat, thin make up, no make up looking like shit covered in baby sick they should love us regardless we have given them there children we sacrafice our bodies and what do they sacrafice absolutely nothing they dont even get up to feed them. My partner said to me its not fair that you get nine months off with kids and I can only have 4 weeks you dont realise how lucky you are. Yes I am so lucky my privates are failing out I am in absolute agony my baby has colic I have to take elder one to school regardless of how I feel we have to agonising periods smears mamagrams (when that time comes) yeah really lucky us, plus the fact that he had already been off sick for 4 months at this time I mean really. Told him yesterday how selfish he was said I sit back and think about all the stuff I have bought him and done for him and cannot think of one time he just turned round and said thanks his reply was well dont just think about it from your point of view think about the horrid thing you have said to me ( its all about them) I said only reason I said things to him is because of how hes hurt me in first place its just like we will never win. He comes over and sits and plays on his phone on my wifi instead of spending time with his kids I dont know about your TNSBH but mine has to have the latest technology phones, computers, tv’s etc and cannot afford to pay for them it gets me do mad hes the only one that does’nt work but has everything in theblatest

[fifi65]

Hi Debz2, feel your worry and pain hun, been there with my son.. just the word Heroin sends shivers down my spine, how it can rob are kids and us of everything.. How is your son paying for his drug’s? I’m ashamed to say I actually gave my son money at times, so he wouldn’t commit crime, or I couldn’t see him ill, he played me like a fiddle : ( So your lad convinced the shrink theres no problem, easily done, most of them live on another planet..prison shrinks really dont care!!! My son’s doing 10yrs in prison now Deb, all because he was a slave to Heroin and crack cocaine. Your living what i call a nightmare, and i wish i could help you, i really do.. the only bit of advice i can give you is don’t enable him, don’t allow him to take up your every thought, be firm but always let him know you love him. your just not willing to live in his world of drugs.. It is the hardest thing for a mother to watch her child waste away in front of her, and for us to feel so helpless and to be told they can only help themselves, I never really got my head round that one !! In my prayers Fiona xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Debz
What a horrible time you are having. I am so sad to read your story.
There is help available to you. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust which tries to support friends and families of addicts. If you contact us we could put you in touch with one of our ‘Family Friends’. These are trained volunteers who have had lots of experience of what you are going through. Talking with one of them might help you and, also they can sign post you to other services that may help your son.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I do hope that you can get the help and support that you need. Good luck!

[cant-take-no-more]

Hi, Debz….your son sounds like mine did…and fifi is bang on…don’t enable him…that means being firm, and laying ground rules if he’s st home…I’m sure like the rest of us, he is draining you and having an I pact on the fsmily….my son has been in recovery since end of June last year…he has had several relapses and today I took him for extra counselling (an appointment he made because he knew he was struggling)….it may take him a while , but once you stop enabling ,you stop adding to the drug taking…sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they get help….I constsntly told my son I would be there when he was ready, but to not bother me until that day….bloody heart breaking, and then he called saying he had got a job and started counselling and alcohol n drug help..if they want to stop, then they will with support…..to my friend Fiona, hope all is well, and your son is doing ok….hugs to all xxx

[sk]

latest technology that was suppose to say until it decided to submit on its own. Why does’nt he take the dog he wanted it. Who knows whats going to happen hopefully one day we will both be happy might not even be with these men we can live in hope I suppose. I will let you know how he goes on, hes only got car for two days so after tomorrow no car i cannot wait he needs to see how hard it is without one and face consequences of his actions and that is without taking kids with him not like me having to take them everywhere. I just dread if anything ever happened to me what would happen to them. Scarey x

take care xx

[sk]

another stressful visit god he does’nt even av to do anything n i wanna punch his face in. been to docs dint ask owt about nowt got his meds n hes happy wat a dick.

[icarus-trust]

This is so hard for you to deal with and I wonder if it would help to talk with someone who has had lots of experience of what you are going through.
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We are here to support people, like yourselves, who are having to deal with a loved ones addiction. We offer a free service called ‘Family Friends’ who we could put you in touch with. You would be able to talk with one of them and may be that would help you to work through your worries and anxieties. They would also be able to signpost you to other services which might be able to help your son.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I do hope that you are able to find some support for yourself as well as your son. Good luck!

[moggie]

Hi, I am in pretty much the same situation. My son smokes weed, most days now and says it doesn’t matter, it is not a problem, he is in full control and it is less dangerous than alcohol and cigarettes. He really can’t see what he is doing to himself and I am worried sick. Unfortunately all his friends do it and think the same. Also two of his best friends mothers smoke weed so what chance is there of him stopping?! I just don’t know what to do to make him see sense.
I contacted a support group in my city yesterday so waiting to hear from them but even they say it’s difficult if he doesn’t want to stop 🙁

[kelly6714]

We should line them up next to each other and take it in turns to swing for them. Mine phoned me to ask if he left his best top here hes going out for the evening while i deal with teething baby and wingy 8 year old. I said yes you did leave it here would you like me to wash it iron it and drive it to you (i was being sarcastic) his reply no dont worry ill wear something else. Like you say what a nob x

[kelly6714]

This is awful to say but when there using they course so much pain. Then they get clean and theres no remorse nothing there just happy as larry. I think thats were my annoyance lies at the moment i want him to hurt how he hurt me instead im stuck in with kids while he swans around. I just hope karma is true !

[sk]

i agree completely thats where it lies with me too. he was going on about a car hes seen its a mazda rx8 or sumat like that told him no way he could’nt afford corsa never mind sporty number n do u know what he said the cheeky b#@#**d well you would’nt be interested would you cus its sumat i want. :-O i wanted to drive a knife straight into him. the selfish horrid get!!!! why why why do we put up wiv there shit i am fuming x

[icarus-trust]

You sound like a really strong person coping with all that you have been with supporting both your brother and sister. But its such a hard thing to deal with and It sounds like maybe you could do with some support for yourself.
The Icarus Trust is a charity which is there to support the friends and families who are dealing with a loved one’s addiction. We could offer you the support of one of our ‘Family Friends’ who you would be able to talk with. They are trained volunteers with loads of experience of the kinds of situation you are having to cope with and it might help you to have a chat with one of them. It is a free service.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Please try to get some support for yourself so that you can stay strong for your family.
Good Luck!

[mmm]

Hello akd1961 I’m so very very sorry you and your family are going through this. The first step to recovery for your daughter is admitting she has problem. My family have and are still going through a similar situation to yours (in our case it’s our son)
If you have a good GP then I would certainly ask your daughter to seek their help, advice and support. If your daughter would agree to you or her partner going with her then all the more supportive for her. I don’t know what we would have done without ours. The GP will be able to prescribe medication that will help your daughter manage her anxieties as well as alternatives for her addiction.
Please don’t think you are alone, our family has been torn apart by alcohol, cocaine and gambling with our son accumulating debts of thousands of pounds. He is starting to rebuild his life (even though it’s only two weeks in) but with the help and support from AA we are beginning to see our lovely son coming back to us. I truly hope, this will also happen for you. God bless to you and your family, stay strong.

[icarus-trust]

Hello,
Thank you for sharing your story. It is true that you are not alone in this, which is why the charity The Icarus Trust has been set up providing support for people, like yourself, dealing with a family member’s addiction . If you think it would be helpful to speak with someone who would understand what you are dealing with, and could let you know what other help is available, please contact us.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.

[cant-take-no-more]

Sometimes you just have to walk away until people ask for help..concentrate on your immediate family,because your kids are your priority…take care xxx

[sk]

Spiteful, self centered, ungrateful, uncaring, specimen of a man if you can call him a man thats how I am feeling today I hate the fact that when hes says ” what do yo want I am tired” over the phone to me. I look after our two children 24/7 youngest is poorly at min stressed up to my eyeballs n have all his shit on top and he can say that to me. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. I must have done something really bad in a past life to deserve this shit. Like you say they can do whatever they want go out whenever sleep whenever chill out ehenever

[sk]

and live in la la land while we live in the reality of constant pain caused by them and exhaustion. I am so pissed off really needed to just get this out sorry for swearing etc but OH MY GOD I FUCKING HATE HIM RIGHT NOW. I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!

[kelly6714]

Take a deep breath i know it doesnt seem like it now but you one day your children will realise what a great mum you are and how shit he is that is when you will get your rewards. Its tough i know TNSBH phoned me drunk having a whale of a time in a club while i was knackered trying to get baby asleep, get older one into bed and cleaning up dog shit which kids had trodden across carpet. I told him the pissing dog has to go. He says your always so uptight you need to chill its just a dog. I have a good mind to deliver dog plus two children in cages an leave them outside his front door !!! Its funny isnt it we hate them but we love them. Maybe were in love with the idea of making them perfect i dont know. Anyways i was annoyed i joined a dating site i have no intention of meeting anyone but made me feel better having other men to talk to kinda felt like i was sticking two fingers up at him. Im worrying about finances at the mo and hes pissing his up a wall giving me nothing for the kids. True losers thats what they are xxx

[sk]

thats what i am starting to think that my love is confused with the man i want him to be the man he was before hes here now laid on floor infront of our son n daughter asleep and all i want to do is get a knife out of block n slit his throat powerful words but god just want pain to end really struggling today think because lil one been up through nite so really tired. They ant got a clue they just do a part time father job thats all they are part time parents n its pathetic n it pisses me off. thanks for reply i have too been accused of being a stress head but what do they expect all the shit we av to put up with supprised i am not in nut house. oh wait a minute that would mean a little attention on me thats no allowed is it.

[cant-take-no-more]

Oh Hunni. The terrible thing is you can’t save her…you can support her, but until she asks for the help the madness just goes on and on…she is very lucky that you have been there…please think about your own well being, because those who live around addicts can become depressed, stressed etc….can her family help? Take care Hunni x

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
I am really sorry to read your post It must be really hard for you. If you would like to talk with someone who would understand what you are dealing with please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people who are having to deal with a loved one’s addiction. People like yourself. If you make contact, one of our ‘ Family Friends’ who are trained and experienced, would be put in touch with you. May be speaking to one of them might help you to see a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.

[icarus-trust]

She is indeed very lucky to have had your support but Cant Take No More is right that it is important that you are supported too. At The Icarus Trust we provide trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’ who have lots of experience of supporting people like you who are having to deal with the addiction of a loved one. We are a charity and offer this as a free service. Maybe you would find it helpful and supportive to be able to talk with one of these.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[monicaj]

Thank you both for your help and kind words. It has become very stressful and depressing for me to watch this landslide. I’m only 18 and we live away from our parents, hers are still in the same town and I have spoken to her mum. I think I might look in to the Icarus Trust, thank you so much!

[icarus-trust]

Hi there,

So sorry to read both your posts especially as you don’t have family and friends around you that you can talk with.
If you would like to speak with someone who would understand what you are living with please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support for people who are dealing with a loved one’s addiction. Maybe talking to one of our trained volunteers would help you.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything.

[icarus-trust]

Really glad to hear that. I hope it helps you.

[kelly6714]

You should go get a marker pen and write TWAT on his forehead while hes asleep then just go about your business. Hed have to wait for his mum to ask him why hes a twat 😉 x

[icarus-trust]

I feel so sorry to see what huge emotional issues you have had to face and what hard choices you have in front of you. I really urge you to find some support for yourself, to help you deal with what you are going with.
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We support people who are dealing with a loved one’s addiction. We have a free service called ‘Family Friends’ who are trained volunteers with lots of experience of what you are going through. If you would like, we could put you in touch with one of these. Talking with a ‘Family Friend’ might help you to make sense of what is happening and help you to sort out your feelings and find a way ahead.
Please contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I really hope that you can get support which will give you cope with everything. Good luck!

[sk]

oh i love ur way of thinking lol. thank u so much u sure know how to cheer me up x

[cant-take-no-more]

Oh Marie , hugs to you….it’s hard trying to save an addict, and almost always never happens, cause the addict has to want it …what a remarkable woman you are! Sometimes letting go and helping yourself is the best thing you can do, to help you cope with everything…and that might mean letting mum n dad get on with it…..you have a family and they have to be your priority Hunni xxxx I’m a mother of a Addicted son..it took me a while to realise that letting go was the best thing I could do for my son….thankfully he is in recovery and he now has my support 100%…,only an addict can set the ball rolling in recovering! Take care sweety, and perhaps find a group for you, where you can talk with others xxxxxx

[funhaha]

How do i read my comments

[icarus-trust]

Hi Marie
So sad for you but what Cant Take No More says is right about looking after yourself and your own family.
If you would like to talk through how you feel The Icarus Trust is a charity which supports the friends and families of addicts because it is such a hard thing to do. We have trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’ who you could be put in touch with if you contact us. They would understand how you feel and have a lot of experience talking with people who have experienced what you are going through.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[sk]

Hi kelly well I am sat at my kitchen table crying my eyes out while he sits n laughs to family guy on tv. I am waiting for daylight hours to come. I agreed he could stay just for one night due to his appt for iapt tomoz and low n behold hes demanding money so he can buy tablets for his diazepam addiction and becos I wont give him anything I am the worst person in the world not that his words hurt me anymore he disgusts me. he has’nt acknowledged his kids and I think the time has come to let go I will never be enough for him neither wil his kids we dont look like a diazepam with 10mg on printed on us. so now I have to try n sleep thinking that as soon as my eyes shut he wil steal something I have my purse down my knickers (seriously) and my car keys in my bra. Told him he needs to stay away he is’nt strong enough to do this but its me thats the problem if only I would go to the bank at midnight or even better give him my bank card (its not happening). I know now that he cannot be bothered about me no man would sit n watch his partner sobbing surely n there u go he can its confirmation for me to let him go I cannot do this anymore. Thank u kelly for being u I wil speak to u soon xx

[kelly6714]

Oh sk im so so sorry. I know how your feeling and its the worst pain imaginable worst than someone dyeing knowing you have lost them even though there still there. I am suprised the doctor prescribed them if they know he has a history of abusive purely because they are so addictive in themselves. If he has run out im guessing he hasnt been sticking to the stated dose maybe this why he wrote car off and was asleep on your floor. An addict does love but he loves the pills more. They become before everything else. You will always hope that never goes. If you have truely decided to move on then give yourself time to grieve and i know its a cliche but time really is the best healer. You will be happy again i promise you that please continue to keep in touch and dont feel bad or guilty for feeling the way you do its perfectly normal. Wish you werent so far away id give you a massive hug x

[sk]

wish u were closer too could really do wiv a hug. i just know after last nite things are bad and fact is it cannot be fixed. Cannot live this way told him i dont want to see him anymore. he cannot remember much from last nite but my scars are visable from what he acted like n said n i cannot carry he expects that he can say what he wants n then claim he cannot remember well its not happening anymore why should i be mentally tortured he can go fuck hiself i am so angry n hurt rite now. x keep intouch x

[oscar-g]

I really don’t know how to answer you as it’s all very complicated, so sorry to hear about your mom and you being so young, all I can say is why not go to citizens advice bureau as I’m sure they will know the best people to help you even if they can’t. Good luck

[nala]

Hi,
Similar but different situation. I’ve recently found out that one of my parents has had a drug addiction for many years without me knowing. I’m in my late 20’s. It was shocking and I didn’t quite believe it ar first. Everything on that side of my family has broken down and it’s definitely not going to get better for a long long time. My parent doesn’t want to talk to me about it and I feel quite shut out and still distant from it all. The not knowing part is horrible because you wonder how you could have helped or supported them much earlier. So I know how you are feeling! And I’m sorry to hear this. Hope your situation gets better soon!

[jbr]

Hey Nala,
Sorry to hear about your situation too! You’re the first person i’ve come across who has related to the secrecy aspect of my situation. The biggest thing that I remember thinking when I found out about my mum was ‘how the hell did I not put 2 and 2 together before now!?’. All my childhood she was distant, used to say weird things, excluded herself from family occasions or at worst she would say really mean things to other people, my sisters or me. I always just thought she was strange, or blamed her behavior on her painkillers she was taking for her back. Truth is, I don’t know what her real ailments were as I grew up. I now look back and think that any time she was poorly she was very possibly just drunk.

My dad has known all these years but chose to not tell me or my sisters out of loyalty to my mum apparently. Now we all know it still has to remain a secret from the rest of my family and my parents are completely unable to accept that my mum’s addiction has had any impact on us at all. They simply think that because we didn’t know until a few years ago, that we can’t have been affected. Makes me so frustrated. I love them both but they make it very hard to have any kind of relationship now.

Anyway, hope you don’t mind me waffling on…

[icarus-trust]

Hi Jbr,

Thank you for sharing your story.it must be very difficult for you to have discovered your mum’s alcoholism so recently. I can totally understand your frustration that the affect that it has had on you and your sisters has been ignored.
You may like to contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports family and friends of those with addictive behaviours because we know how hard it is to deal with. If you contact us, one of our trained experienced volunteers would be able to speak with you and , perhaps help you to start to make sense of how you are feeling.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the very best.

[sk]

Hi feeling abit calmer now I think its because hes gone and I can sleep knowing that everything is safe and I can switch off. He has text me tonite to say that he loves me and his babies and he will fight for us, to be honest its just empty words heard it all before blah, blah, blah. Told him I hated him earlier but truth is I just feel numb honestly its strange. He went to his iapt appointment hes got another next week (he will not be staying here thats for sure) he said it was good really opened his eyes (talkin to his mummy) he was gone for a good hour n half I did’nt ask him anything about it I was to hurt n angry with him and still am. Anyway enough about this rubbish how has your day been x better then mine I hope x

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
It sounds like you’ve had a lot to deal with in your life and this has been hard for you. Have you asked anyone for help with your addiction – your GP or anyone else?
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust and if you would like to talk in confidence with one of our trained volunteers please contact us. You would be put in touch with one of our ‘Family Friends’ who would help you in where to go for help. This is a free service.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck. I really hope that you can get some help.

[oscar-g]

First of all can I say you are not useless, it’s obvious you have been hurt badly in the past and are burying your true feelings. How your mother was/is wasn’t your fault, I too have a son who lost his father at a young age and has found it hard to come to terms with. He is so full of anger, pain and frustration. He is now having counselling on a one to one basis which is helping him. Go and have a chat with your doctor who can put you in touch with numerous people who can help. I really feel for you as your so young to carry such a burden, please don’t give up and remember you are not responsible for other peoples actions. Please focus on the future and the good things in life as i’m sure with help you will succeed

[kelly6714]

Well you know how there twins and all and we seem to leave the same life. I picked TNSBH up yesterday evening for him to stay the weekend. The drug tests are still negative for heroin but hes still taking gabapentin. We get back here and straight off hes like whats for dinner i say bolognase. Hes like to you have any wine im like i Said i think theres a bottle of white in the fridge he looks in and says oh i dont like that cheap stuff. Now this is coming from a person who doeant have a penny to his name. I cleaned the house yesterday top to bottom as i new he would be over. Then he started moaning at the 8 year old at which point i glared at him. He said well someone needs to have some authority in this house your clearly not coping. Well that was it i say red how dare he walk in here and moan about everything from the fact i used value tinned toms in dinner to the fact i have no wifi when its cus his bloody behaviour has left me so skint. What a joke. He also asked me why i seemed stressed and tired. Then like you it hit me.. im not even sure i love him anymore. I dont know im so confused.its almost like i dont want him but the thought of him happy with someone else kills me. Maybe i love him and hate him at the same time. Is that even possible. Right now i think hes a selfish pig and i know i deserve so much better. He says he loves me but there just words. I think i resent him to much for all he has put me through and i think he resents me for copeing so well. Its like the relationship has died and we both feel it but we hang on for some reason. I havent slept all night no doubt the bags under my eyes will be 10 times worst today. Im actually dreading spending the day with him but if he wasnt here id miss him. What a mess.

[sk]

They are unreal. They think they can walk in and criticise you when its you that looks after the kids, the house (the dog) and they have the cheek to tell you to your face your not coping and kids need authority well sorry but kids need someone they can look up to as a father not a drug addict who just pops in a few days a week to make mummys life hell. Its like they dont recognise their part at all the only reason things are the way they are is because of there habbit but they just dont see it they are oblivious to the whole situation. I have got to the point where I am just going to do my own thing and not contact or see him at all I just dont see the point anymore. Its like you said the thought of them being with someone else is unimaginable but at the same time what life do we have. Bet they would gladly move on with no problems while we would have to grieve for ages. Its jus so difficult because like you said its like the relationship is dead but neither of you dare end it for good. Do you think that the kids play a big part because you want so bad to be a family and for them to grow up in a stable environment with a mum and dad. I dunno I suppose only time will tell .

let me know how you get on. Speak soon xx

[kelly6714]

Hi sk just dropping in to see how you are nothings changed this end hes still a twat im still confused. Hope your all good sweetie xx

[sk]

Hi kelly

no change at this end either hes text me saying how much he loves me n hes nothing without me blah blah blah, but I have’nt messaged him back cannot be arsed to be honest. I was thinking of you wondering how your weekend had gone with him and the kids but obviously its just same old same old for the both of us. His mum keeps texting me saying how worried she is about me and the kids being on our own but fact is I am alot less stressed out on my own and thats what I told her aswel.

Speak soon

xxx

[icarus-trust]

I’m sorry to read your story and how your husband’s drinking is affecting you. Sadly there are many people like you who are trying to support a loved one with an addiction which is a really hard thing to do. If you would like some support for yourself, The Icarus Trust we can offer you our ‘family Friends’ service. This is a free service of trained volunteers who are experienced in talking to people who are in similar situations to yourself. It might help you to offload how you’re feeling to someone who would understand and they may be able to signpost you to what other help could be available if you want it.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this helps. Good luck!

[sk]

Hi just wondered how you where getting on, hope your ok. X

[icarus-trust]

This is hard for you to have to deal with and you may find that it would be helpful to talk with someone who understands what you are going through. The Icarus Trust is a charity which supports the friends and families of addicts. We offer a
service called ‘Family Friends’ who are trained volunteers with lots of experience of talking to people going through similar problems. It is a free service, it’s good to talk and it might help you find a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that you can get some support for yourself. Good luck!

[kelly6714]

Hi sk sweetie how are you. Things the same this end. He said hed come round tuesday to see the kids then phoned me to say hed come over after the pub to which i replied no point the kids will be in bed. Im hearing less from him now. I always wonder about another girl and drugs he always asures me neither are an issue. Hope ur all good x

[sk]

Hi its so nice to hear from you, I am fine thank you I cannot believe he would want to go to pub rather then see his kids but it does’nt suprise me because its all about them being first after all. Its my birthday tomoz so going to treat myself to some bareminerals foundation to hide my tired dull skin from all the stress lol I will just need to put it on with a shovel. Do you think he is seeing someone else surely he would’nt do that but then again they are good at kicking you when your down. Anyway feck em who needs em anyway. Stay strong n keep intouch matey xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Charlotte. It sounds like you might like to speak to someone who would understand what you are going through. If so please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the families and friends of addicts. We have trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’ who have lots of experience of talking to people facing situations like like yourself. Maybe by talking to one of them might help you to decide what to do next. It is a free service so I hope you might give it a go.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything. Hope it all turns out well for you.

[kelly6714]

Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear sk happy birthday to you :-)… hope your having a good day i am thinking of you xx

[sk]

thank you n yes been quite nice just spent it wiv kiddies although lil one not well got raging temp think teething so no sleep for me lol. gone of the days of celebration n drinking alcohol xx

[jc]

Hi Donna, your story reads just like mine. Apart from that I have 3 children, my younger two are a similar age to yours. My husband & I have been together for 19 years & 8 years ago he went to rehab for the first time. This came about After several years of trying to find help for our trouble, I was desperate and it was through relationship counselling that he himself recognised that he might have an addiction problem. It was then that he sought help for the first time. It’s been a long road to travel, when he relapses or loses another job, I do question why I am still with him. My advice to you would be that with help and support you will find life gets better because primarily you will find some comfort in knowing that at the very least you are not alone in loving a man with this illness. We will always hold out hope for any improvement or glimpse of hope that the future will be different and I don’t have any answers yet myself but I’m hopeful that this time my husband will stick with the program and that our future does get better this time. I’m sure that yours will too & I wish you the very best.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Donna,
It must be difficult to deal with your husband’s drinking and I’m sorry you feel so isolated. If you would like to talk to someone in complete confidence please get in touch with The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people who are dealing with family or friends with addictive behaviours. We offer a ‘Family Friends’ service which is free. These are all trained volunteers who are very experienced at talking to people in situations like yourself. It might help you to be put in touch with one of these as they would understand where you are coming from and through talking, help you to find a way forward.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that things get better for you and your family. Good luck!

[pepper]

Hi Donna,
I’m sorry you are going through this, if sounds very similar to my marriage for many years, it is very hard and you must look after yourself and I found that finding out as much information as possible helped me, I read lots of books and searched through many websites to help me deal with my chaotic life and understand what was going on. There are support groups and services out there but you have to find them, for a long time my husband would dismiss there were any problems. I too have two Children, 12 and 9 and sadly my husband spiralled into his addiction going from socially using cocaine to full blown alcoholism very quickly and he passed away at 44 in December. I went to a local support service and they helped me to start to set boundaries when we were all living together, I hope your able to find some help and your husband is able to get help too. Good luck x

[icarus-trust]

Hi Donna,
Don’t forget The Icarus Trust will help you to find the support that you need. This is a free service so worth giving us a try.
Good luck!

[unhappy]

I have a partner with a drink problem. Moods fluctuates. Not a nice person at present while he drinks or when he needs a drink. Lovely when he’s not had one. I’m working all the hours god sends while he waits to see if he’s going to be allowed to go back to work. He’s suspended at work at present. So if he loses his job we will have no income from him. Have four children to support. I feel emotional drained. Just don’t want his drink impacting on the children. I really can’t put up with the verbal abuse. But I do. I’m hoping he’ll be asleep soon. hes drunk Already .. hope u get help too x

[donna]

Hi, and thanks for your comments. My life still goes on in this crazy cycle of addiction and then respite. It is seriously draining, and i feel so depressed. I have no family and dont discuss his behaviour with friends as i find it embarrassing. Most of my friends are nice, respectable people who drink in moderation and dont take drugs, they really wouldnt understand. I really do need to contact the Icarus Trust, i feel i really need support. thanks for your comments, it helps to know that you are not the only person in the world going through this. I always feel like i am the only person with a crazy husband. I am beginning to hate him and wish i could just get away but i have no money or home of my own. The house is in his name and he controls everything. I work part time as the children are still young. I dream about escaping this hell of a life!

[jc]

Hi Donna, I’m so sorry to hear that your still having a bad time. Since your initial post in March and after a 6 month relapse prior to that my husband has been in treatment and things are now finally (fingers crossed) going well for him, sober 50 days (ish). I also received some support while he was away and I would suggest that you don’t hesitate to find a support group for yourself, it will help you not to feel so isolated. If your husband can admit to there being a problem and wants to try and change, there is plenty of support he can access. I live in fear of a relapse now but I know he does too & that at least is what is driving him on to remain sober. He goes to 3 AA meetings a week & it’s working. Keep strong and don’t forget that while your busy holding it all together, you mustn’t neglect your own needs. All the best JC

[kelly6714]

Calpol and ear plugs ;-). Glad your having a nice day. Did you receive anything from poundland or were u not that lucky ? TNSBH informed me he doesnt know if he wants to be with me anymore apparently i need to give him time and space to think. Really wonder why i bothered worrying about him x

[sk]

Really he actually said that to you what an absolute nob i cannot believe he can put you through all that shit and then say that to you. how do you feel about what hes said. i got fifty pound but have been reminded several times already today. so have you given him a dead line for the time you are willing to wait i cannot believe he has the cheek to say that to you how selfish can you get. Do you think he wil even bother to see kids. just in shock for you its you that deserves to be happy more then anyone n you wanted to be happy with him n he kicks you in the teeth like that x. i really hope you will be ok and happy whether thats with him or without him. keep intouch love n let me know how u are xx speak soon xx

[sk]

Hi lv how are you doing today I hope you and kiddies are ok. Xx

[kelly6714]

Hi sk nothing has changed hes still the biggest nob going the most useless father and i still love him. On the plus side me and the kiddies are back in a routine and finding it easier now the older one is back at school. Hows life treating you x

[icarus-trust]

Hi Brenda,
This is really hard for you and I am so sorry that you feel that things are out of control. If you would like to talk to someone who has had lots of experience of talking with people in similar situations to yourself please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the family and friends of addicts. Our trained volunteers are called ‘Family Friends’ and you could be put in touch with one of these if you think it would help.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that talking through with people who understand what you are going through might help you.
Good luck!

[sk]

Hi I agree its alot better now eldest back at school and routine is back to normal. Sorry hes still a nob but if its any consolation so is mine. Why is it they think they can walk in n criticise you for he house being untidy and how you should’nt say certain things in front of the kids I mean come on they can’t be that thick surely really make my blood boil, told him I would like to see how tidy house is if he had em for a week, I could really kill him sometimes, told him to go fuck hiself in the end lol. So no change at this end either little one abit better so managed to get rid of ear plugs lol. Take care matey keep me updated xx

[sk]

Hi, had a visit today ended badly once again and its me I cannot let go of the past I hurt so bad and feel like a dog with a bone. Deep down I resent him I resent him for getting help with his mind and moving forward when I am stuck in the past and I resent him for not understanding how I feel. I hate myself for loving him for chosing him for my children and for putting up with his shit for so long. I am so confused about the way I feel at the moment when hes not here I miss him and when he is I want him gone he says I confuse him aswel which I probably do but I just cannot help it. I dont know whether these feelings are normal or if I am just constantly over reacting over the least little thing. I am just so confused am I with him because I know no different or is it because I love him that I am clinging on to all I can I just dont know how do you tell? Confused confused confused. X

[jmum]

He admits to also taking cocaine and methamphetamines and has been told if he carries on taking drugs at the level he is currently doing he is at risk of death. He has been to rehab and lasted two weeks before he was asked to leave.

[icarus-trust]

Hi jmum
So sad for you. This must be very hard for you to cope with but I’m sure that you are doing the right thing for your son. If you would like to talk with someone who would understand where you are coming from, The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports the family and friends of addicts. We have trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’ who are experienced at talking with people in similar situations to yourself. It might help you to talk through how you are feeling with one of them and they could signpost you to what other help is available. It is a free service so I hope that you might try us and find it helpful.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[maddie]

Hi just wanted to say I’ve been through the same thing with my son and it as be going on for the last 9 years. He has robbed me and my family broke into my house stolen other things . Time and time again I have given him chances I’ve heard everything your son is saying he has threatened suicied many times and like you I have sat waiting for the knock on the door. He caused me to have a breakdown almost destroyed my marriage of 30 years my husband and daughter both ended up on antidepressants and one day something just clicked. I can no longer let him destroy my life so I cut him off. I changed my number and don’t get me wrong it killed me to do it
But we are all getting better and I hear about my son on the grapevine he is still doing drugs and got people after him for money etc but he is surviving
Ng. I thought this tough love might stop him but it as done nothing at all. He just used to play constant mind games with me ringing to say he got no food no cigs etc when I was in touch I would by him food but found out he sold it for drugs. I have spoke on Adam before and people with sons/ daughters on drugs they all seem to sing from the same sheet all the story’s are very alike. I decided to put my husband daughter and myself first for once. If he knocked on my door saying he was getting help and he really was to get of the drugs then maybe I would take slow steps to let him back in life but untill then no. He as also been in prison 4 times but that did nothing to stop him. Concentrate on your family at home for now maybe one day your son will see sense.

[kelly6714]

Im right there with you girl ! I think your feelings are normal if there not then ill be in the funny farm with you cause right now i have the exact same thing. I miss him like crazy the thought of him with someone else is unthinkable. I get so excited when hes coming over make an effort to look nice. Now comes the problem i expect him to come to the door give me a hug say hes SORRY hold me and make all the hurt go away. But he doesnt he comes.in rolls his eyes about something starts critizing me and plonks in front of the tv. Ill tell you why we feel like we do disapointment because our men never act how we want them to they are oblivious to the pain they have caused and that is because they are selfish. I find when he comes over i have to be all sweetness and light so as not to rock the boat when really i want to rip his head off but yes like you i love him. Between you and me i think i hold onto him out of hope he will become the man he should (i know he never will) and out of fear of never finding anyone else. I have asked myself if i could look into the futre and see myself with a wonderful man who loves me and the children and i was truely happy would i be doing all this shit and the answer is probably no. We need to forget the past to move forward but it is hard when there is so much pent up anger which at some point will explode. I understand about the children to dare i say it but mine seem happier and better behaved now hes not here. Infact the whole house seems calmer. Can i grow some balls n tell him to f off nope course i cant cause i cant imagine him not in my life. So yep i understand i have the same questions as you but i dont have the answers although if im honest with myself i do have the answers im just not brave enough to do what i know is the right thing cause theres always hope that one thing our relationships seem to constantly based on hope and dissapointment. Xx

[kelly6714]

I also think the saying theres a very fine line between love and hate is true. I also believe its possible to love and hate at the same time. Its there job to show us how much they love us so the hate evaporates if they dont then i guess the hate will increase until we no longer feel any love and really thats so sad but i guess in answer to your question time will be the decider

[sk]

I am the exact same if I could see a future with someone else I would’nt be doing this either I just dont want to feel paranoid anymore but at same time I cannot let go. Time is also something I don’t want to waste on a man thats just going to hurt me again n again and like you said its the fear of never finding happiness again with someone else or even to trust someone else. I picked him up other day n he looked like a tramp off street whereas I tried to make an effort with make up etc yet he can turn up looking like that I told him aswel n his mum said we shouldn’t get on his case cus it doesn’t make him feel good and I felt like punching her told her straight there is no need for him to look like that I am one that has two other kids to look after he jus has to look after hiself n he cannot even do that. I just dunno anymore I dont wanna argue with him and at the same time I cannot help it like I say dog wiv a bone I even think just let it go but I can’t cus I need him to feel the hurt I do.

Thank you for just understanding. Xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
I’m so sorry that you are in a really hard place at the moment. This must be really difficult for you but you have made a brave decision and there is help available for you if you would like to talk to someone. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust which supports the families and friends of addicts. Our trained volunteers have lots of experience of talking with people who are experiencing what you are going through. If you contact us we could put you in touch with one of our ‘Family Friends’ who you could talk to which might help you to sort out how you are feeling and how to go forward. It is a free service so I hope you might give it a try.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything.

[unhappy]

Well done for leaving. I wish I was strong enough. My partner has been suspended from work for being under the influence and he’s also facing court in may. I’ve four children.. I admire your bravery Don’t go back. . I’ve tried to split up numerous times from my partner he threatened suicide. He needs professional help my Other half . I’m scared hurt abused verbally but I’m helpless to no wot to do. Try not get a councillor for husband offer for u to be friend but I no there’s only so much we can . Do. Thinking of u

[worriedsickwife]

hi Unhappy, I too have been in that situation suspended for being over the influence then allowed back with the condition of a breath test each morning- in fact work sent a Private Investigator to check up on him and followed me around taking photos (as I told them I was ill and he had to stay home and look after me)
I completely empathise with you and know how hard it can be. sometimes we have to be bold to make life better for our children, yes im being threatened with the house, and yes he’s cleared our bank account but you know what- I’m happier already without him around!
if you decide to do it all I can say is stick with the decision as ive gone back too many times to recall but stuck with it this time and its slowly getting easier for him as he has a good circle of friends. I did speak to Drinkline and poured my heart out to them down the phone- just to talk can make things a little easier too.

if you’re that unhappy and putting up with the verbal abuse etc- especially in front of the kids…. my advice would be to go for it- for their sake.
Stay Strong x 🙁

[unhappy]

Thank you for you words of wisdom. It’s nice that you’ve spent the time to Reply. I’ve kept things to myself not told anyone. Nice to no other people have survived this crap. Really thank you big support x

[hawaii50]

Well done at your bravery for making the decision and sticking with it.

Like other postings, I too returned and have never regretted anything so much. While you will still feel some responsibility for his welfare (they are good at making us feel guilty for their failings) as someone said to me, he is an adult and only he is responsible for himself and his actions so remain strong.

Wish I had your willpower 🙂 xx

[sk]

Hey kelly hope your ok speak to you soon xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Lui
it must be really hard for to cope with your feelings about your dad while continuing to support your mum. If you would like to talk with someone who would understand how you are feeling The Icarus Trust is a charity that offers support for the friends and families of addicts. If you contact us we could put you in touch with one of our trained volunteers called ‘family Friends’. They have lots of experience and would be able to listen and signpost you to what other help there is available. This is a free service so I hope you might give it a try.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[sk]

Hi kelly really hope you and kiddies are ok. No change at this end hes still a spiteful self centred shit head lol xx take care xx

[kelly6714]

Hi sk i still have a spiteful self centred shit head to. He cancelled seeing us saturday as he went to town with his mates for a night out turned up today hungover moaning that the girls were being to noisey then basically said he does wanna be with me but he wishes i was like the girls he saw on his night out fun with no resposibilities apparantly its annoying him that we cant have fun and go out because the kids are always with me ummmm hold on a minute there your kids !!!!!! Angry doesnt even come close. How is your shit head is he any better? Hope your ok xxx

[sk]

No still a shit head too. Hes concentrating on his car at minute he has two thousand pound to get it fixed which really makes me uneasy to say the least him having all that cash. I asked him if it would be better for me to have his bank card again n he said no he does’nt need me to look after his card but its different when he has no cash he’s quite willing for me to have it “DOOR MAT” thats what I feel like. I dunno I feel like hes a step dad most of time because thats how he acts. Thing is when you have children thats when the fun begins watching them grow up and doing things as a family my priorities certainly changed when I had my daughter but I think maybe its because they are’nt number 1 anymore and thats what the problem is they cannot cope with sharing sad but true. He seems to be ok but who knows I am still like a dog with a bone cannot let go every smell every toilet visit and hes only here few hours every few days. Think I am obsessed. Take care lv xx try not to kill him as hard as it is xx

[cant-take-no-more]

Hey Hunni….you also have a duty of care to your other children. I totally understand where you are coming from. I can totally empathise with you, and I imagine your son chose to stay with his dad because he could get away with the drinking and drugs. Stick to your guns, but leave the door ajar…im slightly worried that SS have not considered the effects on your other kids if he did return to your home, to me that’s shocking! Sorry but is your son 17 now?

[concerned-mom]

No, my son is actually 17 in July. I am definitely sticking to my guns as I can not go through what I went through before, I thought I was going insane!!! seriously I went to the doctor because I thought I was losing my mind, I had to have therapy. I will not take that journey as I did before….it was like living in hell….

[cant-take-no-more]

I know Hunni, most of us have suffered in one way or another….your story sounds similar to mine,and my son has stolen and lied from his family, caused chaos, treated us like dirt on his shoe…..after coming on this group and educating myself I got tough….he’s 24 now and getting there..back in work, providing for his son….and I have a younger child too, so coming home was never an option whilst he was addicted…tough I know, but I kept the door ajar and told him I would be there when he was serious about getting help….it’s been nearly a year, and it’s hard for him, but he takes one day at a time….keep strong and get yourself some support…hugs xxxx

[icarus-trust]

The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports the friends and families of addicts. If you would like to be put in touch with one of our experienced trained volunteers please get in touch.If you would like to talk through what you are going through with

[icarus-trust]

.. one of them it might help you to find a way forward.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

[sk]

hi kelly hope your ok n kids are well. just wanted to tell you that i had my car smashed into last nite all front wing n light gone and do u know the git just drove away probably joy riders or a piss head but weirdly enough even though its going to cost me money to get it fixed its not about heroin or diazepam and it actually feels good. think i am losing it lol. take care xx

[kelly6714]

Oh shit sk im sorry when you going to have some luck. I got a hundred pound speeding ticket yesterday and when i told my shit face i dont know how im gonna pay it and feed the children he said its my own fault for driving so fast. Your not loseing it any distraction is a welcome distraction from all the crap we deal with on a daily basis. I have been asked out for drinks and dinner by someone who i met at work he is normal an electrition part of me thinks i deserve to give it a go and have normality and happiness and yet i love my shithead so feel guilty. I seriously need my head examined. Im wondering if i can go on the date without him finding out and see how i feel after. God that sounds awful. Even tho i have never met you i confide in you more than my friends so to me that classes you as a friend also xxz

[g]

Hi Hana, I was so pleased to read that your partner was receiving the treatment he must have sort. You are so fortunate that he’s willing to do this, because he needs to learn how to love, like and live with his addiction. This is his journey of discovery and you will end up with someone stronger and capable of living a positive life. This is when he will really need you. Believe me our family would love to be where you are now. So please be strong and prepare yourself for your new beginning. G

[mitch]

Hi

My husband went into a detox facility and i couldn’t believe, how isolating it was for me. All i relied upon was his phone call, when i visited, nobody wanted to speak to me about my husband and when he finished, i collected him at the door. Nobody gave me advice about what to do and what to expect. To be honest the whole experience shows that is there is lots of help for our partners but not us.

It is really strange, so it not just you,it seems to be the norm

Mitch

[icarus-trust]

Hi Hana and Mitch
Its very sad that you feel that you are not supported.
The Icarus Trust is a charity that has been set up help people like yourselves who are affected by another’s addiction. We have experienced trained volunteers who you could be put in touch with that might be able to help you.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that if you make contact that you find it useful. Good luck with everything!

[sk]

Omg how do we manage not to kill them. I say go for it with the date and if he does find out it might shock him into sorting hiself out and make him see what hes got right infront of him, wow a date with a normal bloke and not to mention hes an electrician always good to have an electrician on board lol xx we ended up arguing again today he just fecks me off, I said I need to get a drive sorted its been his project for the last 3yrs and still got no further suprise suprise but then he just started saying he cannot do everything hes on medication so its impossible to do anything because of the diazepam, well that was it I flipped told him its his own fault he has no one else to blame but hiself and just because I dont take anything apart from odd paracetamol for headache (becoming more regular especially when hes around) does’nt mean I am not drained of energy. God hes a dick. I asked him to watch his son other day so I could nip to shop for laundry stuff so I could wash clothes and he was like “oh you always just leave him with me”, the cheek I swear I could swing for him I just keep calling him step daddy n he hates it but thats exactly how he acts. Anyway onwards n upwards I start work next week again so thats another distraction.

You are the only person I confide in your not judgemental and know exactly how to cheer me up so I defo class you as a friend even tho we are miles away lol x take care x

ps go for it!!!!!! Let me know what you decide well jealous could do with my house rewiring haha x

[sk]

Or a builder if he has a friend need an extension for all kids toys lol x

[franticmum]

Hi Susie, good to see your post, I still think about you n Fiona every day, I hope things are a little easier for you,
I came on here tonight as things are really bad at the moment and need to offload where I know I wont be judged
Where to begin? When I last wrote on here I had just recieved the news I knew was going to come my son had been rushed into hospital after collapsing, he was in ICU fighting for his life, it turned out that he had a really bad infection in his groin from injecting so often into the same area and this infection had gone through his bloodstream and caused an abcesss in one of his heart valves also some of the infection had gone to his brain, he was treated with iv antibiotics for 6 weeks then the scan showed that the abcess was still there he also had a stroke affecting his speech and mobility,it was decided that he would be transferred to the major cardiac hospital and a week ago had open heart surgery to replace the valve, this last week has seemed like a year, in the 8 hour operation he had to be revived 4 times and then in intensive care his heart stopped again, I truly thought he would not pull through, his body although he is only 35 is like a 70 year old, yesterday he was finally moved from icu into high dependency unit, the really sad thing about all this is his life is truly changed he will need specialist nursing for a long time if not forever, I feel like the drugs have won they have took my son …
I feel so so angry at the world in which we live and dont know how to get through this, Im sure I will in time but im so tired I feel like im drowning and havent the energy to swim anymore. I lay in bed not sleeping and wonder what next will be thrown at me,
I know where my son is but its no comfort, im sorry if ive rambled but its so good just to let my thoughts flow, I will check in again soon to see how everyone is doing
I’ll say night and god bless to all and will pray for everyone out there suffering the shockwaves of addiction
And special cyber hugs to Susie and Fiona
Sue Xx

[cant-take-no-more]

Hi Sue,sorry I haven’t replied earlier, been away..oh lord, the tears I have whilst reading what you have been through…your poor son has been through so much..sending love and hugs, and I hope you all get through this. Sue, you are a remarkable mother, and I truly hope that your son makes a recovery and can start his life fresh….will check in but know my prayers will be for your family…sending much love xxxxxxx

[cant-take-no-more]

Sue , just re read your post…please please please see your doctor and get some support…you have been through so much…we all need help at times…if your on facebook let me know and we can converse….and you can offload any time…my son is still in recovery…hard but he’s getting there slowly…hugs my love xxxx

[icarus-trust]

Hi
So sad to hear the awful time you and your son are having. Don’t forget The Icarus Trust is here if you would like some support for yourself. We have experienced trained volunteers who you could speak with if you think that would help.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

[fifi65]

Oh Sue, I am so sorry to hear this, it’s heart breaking what you and your family have been through. I sincerely hope your son get’s stronger every day and please god a second chance, please look after your self too, in my thoughts always love Fiona xxx thoughts are with you and your boy as well Susie much love xxx

[sk]

Hello kelly just wanted to ask you your opinion on this one so here goes ….. some jewellery has come up due for paying in the pawn shop actually two days late for paying and most of whats in there is mine what he has used without me knowing so I have just rang him to tell him and he said I wil sort it dont worry, yeah right so I told him its not good enough him letting it get his far especiallt when its not his stuff that hes risking losing so he turns round to me and say QUOTE ” How come everytime you ring me you just cause me hastle ” at that point I said just tell your mum to text me with what you have done to sort it if I cause you that much trouble all while our son was screaming his head off in background like he has been for last two days n nights. What an absolute selfish prick, oh he also told me he’d just got up aswel just a bit of salt chucked in the open wound this was at 1pm. Anyway would like to hear your view on it xx.

[flo]

Hi Laura, it’s so hard to see someone you are close to become a different person through alcohol abuse. All I can say is the anger you are feeling is completely normal and I felt the same way with my mum. I think you will get a lot of comfort from reading about alcoholism and accepting it as a disease and something your mum cannot help. Sadly it is often only when alcoholics or addicts hit rock bottom that they decide to change but they have to do it for themselves. My mum lost her battle to alcoholism 10 years ago and I have recently lost my first pregnancy half way through, all I have wanted the last few weeks is my mum to be here for me and part of me regrets spending so much time arguing with her over her drinking when she was here. Your baby will become your number one priority over everything else in your little world and you will get a taste of the crippling love your mum feels for you, try not to blame her for her drinking or accuse her of doing it on purpose but maybe discuss with her how important it is for your son/daughter to have a grandma. You are not responsible for your mother or her drinking so you perhaps need to focus on yourself and the baby for a while and be there to offer your mum support when you are feeling up to it x

[icarus-trust]

I am so sorry to read of how you are feeling. It is very tough for you especially when you should be enjoying looking forward to your new baby. I am sure that you would find it useful to talk with someone who understands what you are dealing with. The Icarus Trusty is a charity that supports the friends and families of addicts. We have experienced trained volunteers who are called ‘Family Friends’. If you contact us we will put you in touch with one of them. Talking with one of them may help you to deal with your thoughts and emotions and find a way forward.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything!

[sk]

Sorry for spelling n grammar stupid lil phone lol xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Eilleen
It sounds like you are having a very hard time at the moment supporting your daughter. I wonder if you have any support for yourself? The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports the friends and families of addicts because we know how hard it is to be going through what you are at the moment. If you get in touch we could put you in touch with one of our trained volunteers called @Family Friends’. They have lots of experience of talking with people in similar situations to yourself and it might help you.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Your daughter is very lucky to have you. I hope that you can get some support for yourself too. Good luck!

[kelly6714]

My advice cut him out of your life and believe you deserve better. Says me who declined the date with the electrition cause i a)felt guilty b) feel like damaged goods and c) find it hard to believe anyone else would want me. Thats the trouble our men have put us through so much i think were more troubled than them. I havent seen or heard from mine in over a week i dont even know if i love him or not. Its all so hard

[flo]

Hi Koch, I completely understand where you are coming from, I have recognised for a while now that my husbands drinking is a massive strain on our marriage, he is very unpredictable when he drinks and is either very loving or a complete monster. There have been a few occasions where this monster has come out (including Monday this week) and the damage to the love I have for him seems irreparable. I still love him and care about him deeply but am “sitting on the fence” I can’t decide whether to stay or go. He has been working away this week and following our bust up he has recognised he has an alcohol abuse problem and even been in touch with a helpline. I myself called a helpline I found on drinkaware.co.uk and they put me in touch with my local counselling service, I have an appointment with them in a couple of weeks, I know it will feel great to get it all out. Even just taking the step to explain to someone on the phone has made me feel stronger in myself, they are not there to judge or tell you what to do but one thing that really hit home was that they said to me “it’s not just about the choices your husband makes, the choices YOU make will also have consequences” this has empowered me to take a huge step back and evaluate the situation. I have have been completely upfront with him, I have told him that although I love him I am undecided as to whether I want to be with him but that I do want to support and help him regardless of our relationship. We have had a couple of rocky months with one thing and another and I have had my share of coping with addicts but it’s different in every case and you have to do what is right for you and your son. If you feel threatened or are concerned over your or your sons safety there is help out there and accommodation available. Don’t suffer in silence and know that you are not responsible for your partners drinking or behaviour, it’s not acceptable and frankly life is just too damn short to be miserable. Hoping things improve for you x

[icarus-trust]

This must is very tough for you having to make such hard decisions and I agree with Flo its very important that you get some help for yourself.
The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports the friends and families of addicts. If you contact us we could put you in touch with one of our ‘Family Friends’ who you could talk with. They are very experienced trained volunteers who would understand where you are coming and this might help you to decide a way forward.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[crusha]

I understand your despair. My father was the same a monster through drink & mum finally plucked up enough courage to leave him when my brother was 12 yrs old. He is now 30 and although my mum has done an amazing job raising us & what she thought covering for my dad’s behaviour as children we knew. Unfortunately my brother has seen to much & been used as a weapon of bitterness against his mum & sisters by my father & he is now the result of this a monster when drunk, a mirror image of my father. He is dependant on alcohol in times of stress & has his fix at great cost to himself & his family. We are devestated & cannot support him no more. You MUST find it in yourself to accept you cannot help him unless he accepts he has a problem that requires professional help. your son is also of a vulnerable age & it would be devastating for him to learn his ways which my brother has done. I feel I have lost a father & a brother to alcohol. Take care of yourself.

[sk]

I know love I am exact same and I have’nt even been asked out by anyone and I think even if I did I would’nt believe it I would think they were taking piss its so sad but true. I would feel sorry for my next bloke anyway because I feel like I am mega damaged and not worthy of being happy with anyone else. I just wish I could see a little glimpse into the future just to know that all this shit is worth it. Its so hard to know what your true feelings are is’nt it you get so wrapped up and confused with the whole situation and when the kids are involved its even harder. I am just tired of feeling this way its like they have’nt got a care in world. I often panic about if anything happens to me what would happen to the kids it scares me to death to think that they would go to him I have even thought about going down the legal route so my parents get them it just goes round in my head all the time. I dunno love we are a right pair are’nt we. we can laugh n joke but when it comes down to it its our future thats at stake.

take care xx

[eilleen]

Think we all worry about where it will all end. I am in a very similar situation. It can wear you out, sometimes we just have to be kind to ourselves. Do what we enjoy it doesn’t mean we don’t care. Hope my comments help.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Claire
The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports families and friends of addicts. We offer a free service called ‘Family ‘Friends’ who are experienced trained volunteers. If you think that it would be helpful for you to talk through your situation with one of them please get in touch.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[sk]

Hi love have you heard anything from your shit head yet xx hope u n kids are good x

[kelly6714]

Hi sk hows you ? Hope all is good. I have a new perdicament. The not so better half seems very depressed he comes over and sleeps all the time his clothes are dirty and he dont smell to good not like him at all. I have drug tested him and all clear (im convinced thats not the issue). I asked him why hes so down and he said he misses our old life before the cheating and relapse, he says he feels his boss doesnt want him there anymore and he fears he will lose his job as he is not performing well due to the depression. He refuses to go to the doctor he claims the only thing that will make him feel better is to return home. Now i love him i really do but there is so much to consider the girls are happier now, i have a routine and enjoy ny own space and company i like not cleaning up after him, financially i have just got organised with tax credits etc as a single parent and am better off with him not here wasteing money on unessential rubbish. Furthermore the children are settled in full time childcare. If he returned home my tax credit claim would stop while they changed from single to joint therefore i couldnt pay the childcare provider even worst if he lost his job (which i fear is coming) i would have to pull them out of childcare leaving him looking after them while i work also he has not improved in terms of lazyness i think he misses me looking after him. I have explained all this to him while reasurreing him i love him but he says being away from home is making him suicidal. I am waiting for him to turn up bag in hand saying his boss has kicked him out and he has no where to go (he has pissed his family and friends off so much they have nothing to do with him). What do i do ? I love him i dont want him on the streets but finiancially i cant have him back, emotionally i cant have him back. I want him to stay where he is be happy and spend time with me but i feel hes putting pressure on me to come home now or else he will kill himself or find someone new to move in with in with. Why do they have to be so fing complicated im not his mother but why do i always feel its my job to look after him i want him to look after me but he just dont get that !!!

[sk]

Hi kelly I am ok cannot bleve the parallel lives we live its like when I read your messages it me thats writing them.

So by the sound of things he knows things are turning sour with his boss so the only place he knows he can go is your house its like he is being forced to come back because he knows he has nowhere else to go. Can you remember earlier on in our conversations when you said that hes happy where he is no responsibilities could do what he wanted when he wanted. Ask yourself this if things were ok with his boss would he still be asking to come home?. I am in exact situation he has asked for me to give up my tax creds etc for him to come back and I have said I cannot take the risk I dont trust him for one, I am completely stressed when hes around and feel like I have a third child to look after and I get loads of pressure from his mum to take him back because shes probably fed up of his shit aswel. I have told him straight today that I am confused by the way I feel about him and if it takes another 5 years for me to decide whst I want then so be it, it will happen when I want it too, if I want it too. I do still love him but I am not sure I love him in the same way I did.

Its time to put yourself first depression is a horrid thing but with what we have been put through we could have gone same way (depression route) but we have children to think about and them so we have’nt got time to be depressed.

The decision is yours but please dont let him pressure you he is only thinking about himself once again. He needs professional help and antidepressants which is something the gp will prescribe straight away. See they think you cannot cope without them and they are so wrong it makes you stronger in a way paying your own bills and sorting kids not having to rely on them for anything it certainly has for me, and the kids are happy and so am I its so weird.

I say put yourself and kiddies first for once you deserve too after what he has put you through these last few months. xxx take care speak soon xxx

[sk]

Hi love hows it going have you managed to make your decision? I hope u are all ok speak soon

[dkwtd]

If his drug use is affecting the person who loves and cares about him then it’s a problem, despite what he says. I have been where you are with my partner saying that I was the one with a problem as I was so boring and didn’t use coke. Luckily we’ve moved on from this, he changed after I kicked him out then we had counselling, which worked for us. Have you got anybody you can speak to to support you? Is your partner in a place where he would go for relationship counselling to understand how his drug use is affecting you? In my experience with my partner using coke regularly brought out the very worst in his personality and made him incredibly selfish so he didn’t care what I thought. Hope it works out for you.

[lightbulb]

Hi there. Thank you for your reply. I am really hoping that my outcome will be like yours. We both love each dearly but he really is such a different person when he does it. He doesn’t think it change his personality but it really does and exactly the same as what you said it makes him a very selfish person. I haven’t seen him for about 3 weeks now and I’m moving into my own place mainly just to give my head some peace. I really think he need to go to counsellin but I think he’s too proud to. Can I ask if your partner went to counselling by his own choice or if you had to persuade him to go? Thank you so much. It’s so nice to hear a happy ending as that’s what I would like too and I really want to help him but I know I’ve not been doing that in the correct manner so far.

[dkwtd]

Hi, my partner decided to go to counselling, it wasn’t drugs counselling though it was relate, but it did help him to listen to me and the effects his coke use was having on our family. Looking back I think he was ready to change and had started to see that his coke mates weren’t really friends and he wasn’t having the time of his life. Also I had put up with a lot over the years so when I threw him out I really meant it and didn’t plan on taking him back, I put my needs and our daughters needs first and that seemed to bring him to his senses. It’s been a long process and its only now 2 years later that he can admit the extent of his drugs use ( much more than I thought he was using) hope your partner comes to his senses. Coke/ drug users are very good at conning themselves that they’re ok and it’s the other people in their lives that have the problem. Just know that you’re doing the right thing and put your needs first. Best wishes

[lightbulb]

I do appreciate you sharing with me. It’s given me some hope. I think because I hadn’t got a clue about drugs or what went along with it I just didn’t handle it very well. I know now it’s the right thing I’ve done to move out and now it’s his choice what he wants to do. Thanks again and much appreciated.

[lightbulb]

Well it ended…he chose cocaine and the lifestyle. I’m guessing the love for cocaine is always stronger than loving a person.

[lightbulb]

I will never trust anyone who uses drugs again. The drugs and their own self will always come first

[sk]

Omg that last message was our 100th message lets celebrate over a cuppa heres to 100 more “clink clink” ( thats our cups hitting together) oh dear think I have finally gone nuts. Lol xx

[lost33]

I’m trying to figure out how to help someone I live too and I have no real advice accept arm yourself with as much knowledge about addiction and his choice drug as possible. We can only help them if they want to be helped and hopefully it sounds like your son does and has support with his partner. Be strong and try and bit let it rule your life. Easier said than done I know. Take care.

[kelly6714]

Haha is it really ??? Wow and were still no further forward theyve remained tossers for the whole duration. I told him he cannot move back before xmas as financially thats the worst time to be skint thought that would bide me some time. Anyway he was supposed to come round tonight to discuss it but he never showed so cant be that important to him i guess. Hows yours doing ??

[sk]

Hi lv good thinking with that decision like you said at least it gives you more time. I dont know why but at minute he propper gets under my skin anything he says angers me and I am not even sure why sometimes. last week he said about having to “babysit” kids omg I wanted to stab him told him you dont baby sit your own kids and he could’nt understand why I was propper pissed off which annoyed me even more so told him to leave me alone. Drug wise seems ok but you can never be too sure its always there niggling away x but of course you know that anyway xx

[sk]

Hi kelly hope u n kids are well. My lilttle one full of cold so no sleep for me. xx

[roo]

Hi, I’m roo, in my experience drug users will blame everyone and everything but themselves. I think this is because if they take responsibility for their drug use they then have to admit they have a problem and that they are afraid to stop. I don’t know, I just came up with that just now,trying to work out why my partner of 6 years and father of our beautiful 4 year old daughter chooses crack over us. What do we do? All I know right now is if,or once they decide they need help,it can still take a long time to respond to help.

[libby]

Thanks Roo so sorry for your predicament. I know they have to reach rock bottom before they change,we have been there but it seems life is too difficult for him to deal with in a sane sober drug free way. I just don’t want to loose contact and only here that something awful has happened.

[roo]

Hi Libby, I guess then all you can do is be there,meet him somewhere for coffee,mabe meeting him and just having a chat about trivial things will remind him that your his mum not his enemy. Surely he must need his mum sometimes x

[kathan]

Hi Libby,even at its most disruptive, I have told my 38yr I love him.Dont like him,but love him.In his more lucid state says knowing that has been a rock for him

[icarus-trust]

Hi Libby
if you would like to talk to someone who would have had experience of what you are going through with your son please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the families and friends of addicts. We would put you in touch with one of our ‘Family Friends’ who are experienced trained volunteers.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[sk]

So fear confirmed today kelly he told me hes back on methadone because he cannot cope, both him and his mother knew but both of them failed to tell me and the only reason he told me was because I forced him to due to a positive drug test for opiates. Hes asked me to love him for who he is and said I can’t love him that much if I don’t but fact is I did accept him, I accepted him for the last god knows how many years this way. Not sure how I feel just numb at the moment and betrayed by both of them I just feel so stupid once again thinking or trying to think that he is doing well when really he’d obviously failed and has been lying to me for the last few weeks. He promised that if he failed he would leave me alone to get on with my life and now he says hes never going to give up on us so either way I am trapped (maybe I want to be I dunno).

It was meant to be a fresh drug free life but dont think it will ever happen I am just kidding myself.

hope all is well at your end xx

[notjustme]

Hi Libby

I just read your story- I am new to this blog but felt very moved by what you had to say. First of all I think you are doing so well in caring for your grand daughter- I have two grandsons of my own and know how precious they are. However, I also sense how lonely for you it must be and I would like to ask what levels of support you are getting for yourself?
My story is slightly different from yours and I want to avoid getting into that too much, but just let me say that cannabis has taken my son away from me. He no longer wants to be in touch with me and yesterday I went to his grandad’s funeral and he wasn’t there. When people asked me why I said I didn’t know- which was the truth, but his dad said that he knew he wouldn’t be there. In some ways I was glad he didn’t turn up, but he is becoming more and more isolated from family and friends and I know he is very depressed. Like you, I want (have?) to help him but I don’t know how.
This is just a little snippet.
I want you to know that you are not on your own- if you want to let me know how you are I’d be happy to listen. Take care x

[icarus-trust]

Hi Libby,
What a fantastic job you are doing bringing up your grand daughter as well as being there for your son. It must be so hard for you and I wonder if you have support for yourself. The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports the families and friends of addicts. If you feel we could be of any help please contact us and we could put you in touch with one of our trained volunteers. Sometimes talking through with someone who would understand what you are dealing with can really help.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with all that you are doing.

[kelly6714]

Oh SK I’m so sorry I know this was kinda your now or never moment. Things won’t improve will they. He says you can’t love him if you don’t except him the way he is you could say he doesn’t love you otherwise he wouldn’t be taking methodone. Yes maybe that’s who he is but is that who you want ?. Its all still crap this end he wants to move back pretty sure not for me he’s skint and fed up with living with his boss needs looking after again. Hes so miserable when he’s around me he just says he’s depressed and that it makes him feel worst when he sees me cause I have the house the girls my friends (um well hello I didn’t cheat and stick needles in my arm). He says he feels I’ve moved on and no longer love him. This is the confusing bit for me I do love him but I don’t know if I want him back deep down I know he doesn’t treat me right and holds me back and I’m starting to feel I deserve better. Why don’t we have the balls to be without them ? Anyway last time I saw him his exact words were maybe I should f off and find myself a smack head girlfriend. So SK I maybe rejoining you soon in the drug related posts once more. Take care x

[sk]

I cannot live my life like this anymore its like a nightmare I am in love with the person he used to be and fact that he looks the same does’nt help. I really just want to say its over but something is holding me back and I think its fear, that I will be on my own and that no one will want me and having to introduce the kids to a new man if it did ever happen. its just all swirling around my head. He said that he thought I fell out of love with him along time ago but thats not true I would’nt have had another child with him if I did’nt love him. Think its all to guilt trip me to be honest because its never their fault is it, he said he could’nt do what I asked go to work (bearing in mind hes only been doing 3 hrs for 3 days a week) phase return, but really he had to go back because he was’nt getting any money because his ssp ran out, its just all excuses and blame on me really ( selfish ) addict talk as usual. I dunno just feel really low at the minute the kids are only thing keeping me going. Just goes to show I was right to be suspicious.

I will speak to you soon take care xx

[mrs-m]

Your story makes me so sad. My son is a meth user too. It got to the point that he wanted help and he went into rehab because he wanted to. The detox was hard and the therapy to discover his demons was hard but seems to have been so worthwhile. He came out on Saturday 7th November and has been clean for 46 days so far. He has just returned to his own life and I am praying that he stays strong and uses what he has learnt to stay clean.
Until you daughter hits total rock bottom and cries for help, there is little you can do. I have leaned this from group family therapy. Its so hard as a mom to just watch and see the destruction, but you just have to wait for that day when it comes, the final last resort of going into rehab.
Join a support group, speak to others in the same boat as you, it really has helped me. I truly feel for you.
With love and prayers
Mrs M

[icarus-trust]

Hi Bell,
I do agree with Mrs M that it is important for you to get some support for yourself because what you are having to deal with is so hard. The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports the friends and families of addicts. If you contact us we could put you in touch with one of our experienced trained volunteers. Talking through your experience with some one who understands what you are going through might help you not to feel on your own and may help you to find a way forward.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I really hope this helps.

[sk]

Ps you do deserve better, we both do just a case of finding someone n letting go of them. XX

[icarus-trust]

Hi Kathan,
You are obviously going through a really difficult time and I wonder if you have any support for yourself. The Icarus Trust is a charity that was set up to help people like you ,friends and families of addicts who are having to deal with the awful consequences of another’s addiction. If you would like to get in touch we have’ Family Friends’, experienced trained volunteers who you could talk with which may help you feel less anxious and find a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.

[sk]

Hi kelly hope your ok.
so had a visit today he came to tell me that hes not giving up on us (erm think he already did) and his new plan is to reduce hiself one mill at a time. Not sure what hes going to achieve because the end result will still be the same he wont be able to cope and just go straight back up or back on that shit. I dunno I see no end if I let him keep doing this its like you said it was make or break for me and he broke so nothing more I can say.

take care matey speak soon xx

[sk]

Hi Kelly hope your ok.
I am feeling low tonight sick of being on my own plus eldest been poorly think I am just exhausted to be honest. No change with shit head, I asked him to come over last night because I had them both crying wanting me and obviously I cannot split myself in two and he didn’t come when I needed him he let me down but then again I should really be used to it by now. Anyway hope all is good at your end xx

[kelly6714]

Hi sk so sorry for the late reply honey half term has kept me busy and exhausted. Its tough isn’t it. Mine hasn’t seen the girls once this holiday and its now Thursday there is always some excuse he’s tired or I’ll. He claims he is depressed I wonder if this is true or if he is out every night. I have started to find I wonder less about what he is doing. Don’t get me wrong I miss him and I love him actually I’ll re phrase that I miss what we had and I care deeply for him bit I don’t think we will ever get back what we had. I for now am trying to get on with life with him as a part of it but he no longer consumes me. I was up with the 17 month old all night a couple of weeks ago and was so tires I cried she walked over to me and rubbed my back and that’s when it hit me we have our children’s love and that is worth more than anything. Chin up chick you can do this with or without him. Be strong . just remind yourself he’s a twat and until he’s not a twat your to good for him. Massive massive hugs xxx

[kelly6714]

So SK I new it was coming got the text I’d been waiting for I’ve been stupid I’ve used I can’t stop this time I wish I was dead blah blah blah I cannot do it anymore I replied your problems are not my problems you know where me and the children are when your ready to be a dad and grown up in the meantime plz don’t contact me. Was so hard but had to be done. So the stop and wait game starts again. Hope ur ok xx

[sk]

Hi love so nice to hear from you and yes the holidays kept me busy aswell eldest still not well this is the 10th day now, took her to doctors and just viral so have to sit it out, its the 10th day i have’nt had sleep and today i broke down i rang him and asked for his help and his words were ” just because you throw a fit doesn’t mean we are going to come running” even tho he said he would be here for 10.30. It was 12.30 before he and his mum got to house. I had to just walk out i was so angry how dare he say that to me when hes done what hes done i was so upset especially when day before he was trying to hug me and tell me how good a mum i am and how amazing i am for what i do, not that i need to hear it from him but hes like jeckyll and hyde one day nice the next a horrid twat.
I dunno the more he backs off the more i let go just need to face facts that he will always be a selfish self centred person who looks after number 1.
i am so sorry to hear bout your text its like they take pleasure in building you up just to knock you down. Keep strong my friend and thank you your words always help keep my spirits up take care xxx

[kelly6714]

Hi SK I finally did it. I finished it I just couldn’t be dealing with the drama anymore. I’m one week into a new relationship and I’m pleased to say he doesn’t do drugs or even drink. I hope your ok xx

[sk]

Oh my god!!!!! I am so happy for you i hope he makes your dreams come true the fact he doesn’t do drugs or drink is definitely half way there lol. Be happy matey you deserve it. Much love SK xx

[kelly6714]

Thanks hun the ex still messages me he’s still using but its not my problem anymore and its a relief to finally say and truely feel. I hope your ok and please still keep in contact xx

[sk]

I am ok at the minute everything pretty quiet this end just concentrating on christmas and kids. Hes still insisting that hes going to reduce hiself and get off methadone that way but not holding my breath because i might die by the time it takes him. Told him there is no relationship while ever hes taking that just cannot be arsed with it all to be honest. Anyway matey keep me informed about ya new fella. Speak soon x

[sk]

Hi kelly hope you and kiddies are well and hope your new man is well too. Just wanted to wish you and kids a happy christmas and all the best for 2015. Xxx

[kelly6714]

Hi SK my love its great to hear from you I hope you are well. I have had no contact with the ex although I tried for the sake of the children. I know longer know where he is or if he’s OK his phone number no longer works. It has effected my older girl badly. My new man in great we are very happy. Is your man less of a tosser ? I wish you all a merry Xmas and new year and please keep in touch I’ve missed you xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi

Thank you for sharing your story. I really admire your strength and hope.
Maybe you would like to talk with people who would understand what you are going through. If so please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that is there to support people who are affected by a loved one’s addiction. We have trained experienced volunteers who you could talk with if you feel that would help. Maybe talking would help you to make sense of how you are feeling and find a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this helps. Good luck!

[shezzie]

I opened your post hoping to read some success stories… with alcohol – and was so saddened to not see any responses.

I am supporting my husband of 55yrs going towards his first community detox for alcohol… next week –
and have a successful friend of a friend coming to visit us in 2 days time.

I support your post – we need to hear good outcomes.

I went to an Al-anon meeting for families and no-none there had a success story is was soo tragic – I felt worse. Granted there may be other groups and other people there…

I’m joining my local family/carer’s group too – to try to get support – not just how to cope as an ongoing issue. But my sister has said maybe the success story people don’t attend anymore – and maybe that’s the case here too? To an extent?

I send hugs.

[sk]

Hi kelly he’s still a tosser!!! no change there. He broke down on motorway on way back to his mums from work and expected me to drag two children out of house at 10pm to rescue him of course i told him where to go, but it was all my fault because he has to go to his mums, he’s still as selfish as ever. I just concentrate on kids don’t really speak to him about anything other then them.

Its so hard on the kids is’nt it my eldest thinks the sun shines out his back side which, annoys me but shes young and has’nt got a clue that i am protecting her by not having him here. His mum still text to say how much he loves me (yep his mum not him) i just don’t bother replying its a waste of time she will always see his side and thinks i am the evil one. I think if i did’nt have to see him then it would make life easier but he just turns up like a bad smell causes havoc for me stresses me out and leaves. I dunno love its like ground hog day. Anyway enough about that waste of oxygen. Have a fan dabby dosey crimbo hope santa brings you lots of presents. Hope your eldest will be ok i am sure she will be. keep intouch matey moo missed you too xx

[Author]

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