[jmann]

Hi, I’m new here and need some support or advice or both!!

I’ve been with my partner nearly 11 years and we have 2 children. He is an addict. 20 years ago it was heroin but he got off that realy well. Ever since then it’s been all kinds of things. But i understood when we got together he wasn’t on anything except subutex which was a long term thing he had just kept taking after coming of heroin.

About 5 years ago I found out he had been injecting subutex our whole relationship and that’s kept a constant on and off thing (more on than off) He had a long period about 2 years of using crack which ended up in us breaking up. His behaviour was too much to handle. We went through alot including domestic violance because of his drug use and social services being involved (thankfuly that went well and I got the support I needed). A few months later, he went to rehab for 3 months. He was a new man, it was so nice to finaly see the man I feel in love with back…

Exactly 2 months later, I find out he’s injecting subutex again. Was difficult to say the least but I came to learn about relapse and I understood that. I was supportive…

He ended up in hospital over the summer holidays for 5 weeks due to a growth on the heart because of injecting.

He missed our daughters birthday, it was a horrible time for all of us. But still I stuck by him.

Fast forward, to when he’s been out of hospital a month. He starts gambling and spends all the money we had for my sons birthday so if it wasn’t for my mum, our son wouldn’t have had a birthday.

He had to go. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. He started injecting subutex again without me knowing.

He was back by Christmas – the kids were just so sad and missed him so much.

Since last Christmas he has been injecting subutex but has been stable and high functioning until 2 months ago when he started using cocaine. He only owned up to it 5 days ago so it’s still pretty fresh. I’m absolutely gutted..but most of all I’m hurt that all the lieing started again and now he tells me he hasn’t got much money left – after being payed last week.

My sons birthday is in 3 weeks.

I can not believe he has done this again….not the drugs (even though that’s bad enough) but the very worst thing is that for the second year running he has used his money that we needed for our sons birthday.

I’m realy at the point now – after EVERYTHING that’s happened in the past few years – where I just don’t know WHAT to do.

I’m trying my very hardest to keep this family together because the kids absolutely adore him but I’m so tired of all this shit.

Sorry for the long post but any advice would be realy helpful because I just feel so alone with all of this.

Thanks for reading.

[kplam]

This might be hard to hear, but it sounds like you need to end your relationship with him. You have given him so many chances. He obviously has underlying issues that are not being addressed, and he obviously isn’t able to sort it out. You and your kids will keep suffering, If he’s anything like a good parent, he will continue to maintain a relationship with your children, but you should not be suffering in order to play happy families for the sake of your children. You deserve to be happy, I’m sure this isn’t what you signed up for!

[jmann]

Thankyou so much for your reply. I just can’t do that to my children..they absolutely adore him. I was so adamant this time that he was going…but then he cried – and yes I know probably sounds like manipulation and perhaps it is but he literaly NEVER cries.

I just don’t know. I feel so utterly lost…????

[jmann]

And also he keeps saying to me that if I brought more money into the family (I don’t work due to bad depression and anxiety) that we wouldn’t have to just rely on his money.

So basicly he means when things like this happen we don’t need to worry??

I know I have to start bringing more money in and that’s something I’m trying to work through but is his reasoning correct or is he just projecting the situation onto me??

[jmann]

Thankyou so much for your reply. I just can’t do that to my children..they absolutely adore him. I was so adamant this time that he was going…but then he cried – and yes I know probably sounds like manipulation and perhaps it is but he literaly NEVER cries.

I just don’t know. I feel so utterly lost…????

[jmann]

And also he keeps saying to me that if I brought more money into the family (I don’t work due to bad depression and anxiety) that we wouldn’t have to just rely on his money.

So basicly he means when things like this happen we don’t need to worry??

I know I have to start bringing more money in and that’s something I’m trying to work through but is his reasoning correct or is he just projecting the situation onto me??

[kplam]

Sorry, but they are separate issues in my opinion.

A higher household income doesn’t equate to being ‘allowed’ to do things that are risky and stupid. He’s the sole provider, financially, but that doesn’t make it OK to keep doing these things and hurting you. If he thinks you need to do more to contribute, fine. That’s a separate issue though. He’s effectively blaming you for his behaviour. I wonder if he’s considered whether your mental state might be improved by not having to constantly worry about/ deal with his problems in addition to raising your children? He sounds incredibly selfish, which is what addiction does to people. That doesn’t make it OK though.

In my opinion he’s manipulating you. With the anxiety and depression issues you cite, I can imagine it is very hard to see a way out. However, you do not have to stay with someone who keeps doing these things. Also, children are often far more astute that we give them credit for. They will pick up on things, regardless of how hard you are working to make it look like everything is fine.

[Author]

Posts