[cardiffbluebird]

Hi all,

Pulling my hair out at the moment and i’m not one to really talk to other people but having read a similar story on here i wanted to reach out

I’m married with two children, for 11 years. I work full time and my wife part time since our youngest was born. My wife used to suffer very bad PMT where she would get excessively angry and after several years of it she spoke to the GP who subscribed fluoxetine.

Since taking these her PMT is much better and me and my kids dont feel so worried towards when it’s going to start (it was unbearable). However she has always enjoyed a drink, before it was social and i’d enjoy a few drinks with her. Now I dread it. She doesn’t touch a drink in the week in general but on the weekend it’s like she drinks to get drunk. And she doesn’t need to drink much as the tablets make her get drunk faster.

This started before she was on the tablets. Before lockdown we were due to go out to watch the rugby but first I had to take my son to his football on a Saturday morning. By the time I got back from taking him she was drunk and i mean really drunk.. Couldn’t get changed. I left her to sleep it off and took my kids out. That was about midday.

During lockdown it got worse. If I went out to do the shopping, by the time I got back she would be drunk. My eldest was anxious of me going to do the shopping as he knew what she would do, but I had to go and get food etc. Any time I left she would do it. During the hot period she would always use that as an excuse for a drink. I enjoyed the odd beer and would never be drunk, she’d have one drink on view but would be drinking cans and wrapping them in carrier bags in the bin.

After lockdown it became the weekends, so she would drink as much as possible. It got to the point where I couldn’t remember a friday or saturday where she hadn’t just had a drink and fallen asleep on the settee. It came to a head when we had bought a takeway, i knew she had had a drink (but i didnt know how much), as we were eating it (me, her and my eldest) she was slurring, couldn’t string a sentence together. My eldest was worked up and challenged her and she told him to “f off”. To an eleven year old. I removed him from the situation and we spent the night in a different room. She continued to drink and just passed out again. I spoke to her mother because she tends to listen to her, and they spoke the next day.

This still didn’t make a difference after speaking to her quietly the next day, and explaining the impact her actions were having. I removed all the alcohol from the house. On halloween she kept sloping off upstairs and everytime she came back she was slurring more and more. I found that she was hiding gin in her wardrobe. Again I removed my children from the situation and she had passed out at about 7:30.

I spoke with her the next day in a reasoned way but explained that if things continued I had no choice but to seperate and that I would have to take the children with me. She has shown over months that given an opportunity she will drink regardless of whether the children are there and I couldn’t risk leaving them with her. Naturally she was upset and said that she would reach out for help.

She went on an online forum for AA but then didn’t go back on. She spoke to her GP and has had counselling for her anxiety and they increased the tablets slightly. They went through quite a few things that can help and over the last 7 weeks she has only had a single drink occasionally on a weekend. I think about 4 weeks she had nothing at all. I was so proud of her and her mood has been incredible.

This weekend though she said she was going to have a woodpecker as it was nearly Christmas. I said fine, i don’t want to be controlling, and she seemed to be in such a good place (and she knows it’s a weaker of the ciders). She was drinking this though but unknown to me she had also been drinking mulled wine which she had been hiding somewhere. I only knew because she was slurring and after she was drunk she left her glass out and I could smell it (I don’t know what she did with the bottle).

Tonight around 6pm my son told me she was slurring. I went down and could tell she had been drinking. I didn’t say anything but couldn’t understand why she was staying in the kitchen. I listened closely and when I went in she closed a cupboard door she had been opening. When I opened it there was a 35cl bottle of white rum in there with about a 5th gone. There wasn’t any glass so she had been drinking it straight. I asked about it patiently and she said she wanted to make egg nog, she had told me she wanted to make this but said she was going to do it but that she was doing a non-alcoholic one. She said she didn’t tell me because she thought I wouldn’t agree. But she wouldn’t answer why some of it was gone.

I’ve taken it off her, I don’t want to seem controlling but I feel at the end of my tether, I don’t know what to do? I still love her, but i’m really concerned for her health, our future when the kids are older, and my kids mental health. This really isn’t a good example, especially for my eldest as he is well aware of what she is doing. As soon as we put a film on tonight she fell asleep.

I hope I don’t sound controlling. I just don’t know what to do. i don’t want to split my family up but I don’t know what to do.

[the-bard]

Hey, I can totally empathise with you as my wife of 20 years is an alcoholic in denial. She drinks around 4 bottles of wine a day, every day and refuses to get help. I think she started drinking after our first child was born to steady her nerves as she suffers from anxiety ,but the drinking just makes it worse and she refuses to acknowledge that they are linked. She starts drinking most mornings on the sly thinking I don’t know but I do. I love my wife but living with her is like being on a horrible emotional roller coaster that I cannot get off and I have found my own mental health suffering as a result as I don’t know what version she is going to be each day either super drunk, drunk or functioning drunk. As we have kids together i know i need to keep myself strong to give them some normality in there lives.

Sadly you cannot change her behaviour, or stop her drinking I know and have tried and it doesn’t work period. She is an addict and unless she wants to get help there is nothing you can do about it. Sadly sometimes only a crisis will make this change happen but by then if its health related it may be too late.

The only real change you can make is to look after your own health and wellbeing and of your children. Posting on here is a first step in doing that as you realise you are not alone. Focus on doing something each day for yourself and children whether it be exercise or a hobby (I’ve taken up exercise and found it helps). Also try talking to someone or family member. Its funny in that you don’t want to talk as you feel a sense of shame about the situation which is not if your making however i talked to my brother and sister who had already guessed from my wife’s behaviour and i found it helped a small bit.

The hard task is try not focus your thinking about her drinking, hard to do I know but it becomes your obsession and you will feel anger and resentment if you do

I won’t sugar coat it as this is a very tough road we are on, so don’t beat yourself up if things get on top of you. Just take each day as it comes, set time aside and focus on you.

[cardiffbluebird]

Thanks for the reply, reading some of the stories on here gives some comfort that it doesn’t seem to be that unusual. Although she doesn’t drink the volume that it sounds like your wife does, the toxic mix of that with her anxiety tablets gives that effect.

Thanks for the advice and you’re right, I think i’m too focused on her drinking and it’s definitely making me resent her. I’m going to focus the next week on spending some good time with my kids and involve her if she’s sober and if she drinks then leave her to it. You forget to have time for yourself in this situation and to find a way to relax.

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