[kirst101]

I have been with my husband for 14 years we now have 3 children oldest is 11. My husband is addicted to heroin, crack and diazepam. He has been to rehab and stayed clean for 4 months and now he doesn’t use daily H And C but when gets the opportunity he will disappear and take H and C. He also has been prescribed diazepam but what he gets is not enough as he likes to get off it on them he is currently prescribed 30mg a day and when he abuses them he takes around 200mg in one go. He has resorted to secretly buying them online and will use H And C when he can. He is with addactions but he seems to lie to them and he is saying he is going to get help cos I was ready to end the marriage but he doesn’t ever seem to contact his drug worker it’s been 3 weeks and he hasn’t done any thing just says remind me. I don’t know what to do any more I have hidden his addictions from my family for years and I had finally told my mum, which was so hard and was due to the fact I had left my sons with him and he had went out and scored and then injected in our home and was completely out of it around my boys I have since not allowed him to look after our children. I feel very alone and scared about the future. I know if I end it he will go down hill but I don’t think I can no longer deal with his addictions. I am so confused. I really don’t think he is ready to change and everyone in his family tells me to leave him but I always seem to think he will change but somewhere inside I don’t think he will. I feel like I am a failure. I have tried everything to prevent him from using and nothing works what else can I do. I have even resorted to asking social services for help but they say I am a safety factor and basically nothing they can do. I don’t know who I am anymore I feel like a drug worker not a wife. Sorry for the rant but I am so lost. My husband has been on a methadone program for years, which doesn’t help just stops his withdrawing when he hasnt been able to get drugs. Has anyone had any one that has actually changed am I deluded to think or hope he will change. What am I to do. I love him but hate him at the same time hate what he is doing to me and the kids and what to leave him for my children’s well being but then he mentally messes with my head and when he is good he’s great but when he is bad it’s bad. I am totally confused in what to do. Any advice would be appreciated

[bt1978]

Hi Kirst

That’s some heavy stuff right there, glad you posted

Firstly I note children are involved. Sadly people in the middle of active addiction will run through brick walls to feed their habit and dont have an awareness or care of who they are hurting, neglecting or damaging in this instance you and the children. My view is that their safety and wellbeing needs to come first and foremost – you did the right thing not leaving him alone with them, and that has to carry on.

Sadly addicts dont just change in my experience. I’m not saying it cant happen but it’s not something I have ever seen. Typically someone needs to hot a rock bottom and ask for help before true changes can take place. Also he sounds very far into it taking a combination of opioids and benzos and if I have read correctly also his script? Firstly that is a very dangerous combination to use together, and also coming off all that is going to be very very painful – if and when he is ready. I know this as I have done it myself.

What you think and feel is 100% on accordance with your situation and you definitely aren’t mad or going out of your mind.

Is he open to getting help at all? By this I mean a detox first, then a rehab? He could also do plenty of NA meetings on zoom right now so he can sit and listen in the privacy of his own home.

Secondly do you have family who can support you and the kids? You guys need to be the priority right now I’m my view

Sorry you are having to go through this. There is lots of help and support in here and as a recovering addict I’m happy to give you insight from that side of the fence – it’s a horrible thing that bleeds you dry if anything worthwhile

[kirst101]

Hi BT, yes there are children in involved and I have stopped him from looking after the children and wouldn’t allow him to look after them after everything he has done.

My mum knows but she isn’t able to understand it all and I am to ashamed to tell her all of it and too ashamed to talk to my other family members. It make me feel sick even the thought of telling people.

I don’t know why I stay with him after all he has done I think cos I know he can change before my son was born I was a victim of domestic violence From him and I took him to court and he got help and changed but when it comes to his addictions he doesn’t seem to want to change In his actions but he is good at saying the right things. How do I get past the bull that comes out his mouth. How do I know if he is actually willing or wanting to change.

We have a joint tenancy and it’s hard also as he refuses to move out and I have to find the money to go to court to get him out.

Every thing is so hard. When I first met him he new I was anti drug and that I haven’t ever taken anything as he had sniffed coke and I had ended it he promised he wouldn’t do it again and he didn’t really like Coke it was just there I was only 18. I never knew he had issues with heroin and crack. He seemed just normal what ever normal is.

I am now living in a prison and I feel every time I move he is out scoring pills or class As I just can’t live like this but if I leave am I killing him as I know he will go proper bad into it and since being with him I know of him over dosing and ending up in hospital on at least 4 occasions.

I always get the blame as it is my fault if I just let him take pills he wouldn’t take the other but the problem is with pills he can’t control them he takes and takes until he can’t take no more and he is on them for days completely off it it’s not acceptable when children are involved and is y I remove him from the home.

He also got clean when my son was born for a year and half that was 10 years ago and I fort having my 2nd son would help change him again But it didn’t I know I was stupid to think a child could change him and then my 3rd wasn’t planned at all. I feel like I am failing my children becos they shouldn’t have a dad like him they deserve a father that picks them over a drug. He went to rehab 3 years ago and was clean for 4 months then relapsed and now we are here. He went to meeting and ended up using them as an excuse to go and score. He doesn’t want to go away for 3 months apparently as he can’t stand being away from his kids for that long. He will do the 2 week detox, which didn’t help last time at all or we wouldn’t be her again would we. I got him back into the program for methadone cos he ended up using daily and needed it to survive and he wouldn’t ask me for help until he finally admitted it and I had to do all the work to get him back in addactions and then he was meant to go back in to rehab that’s been 2 years and no referral is completed at the moment.

I don’t know what to do. I Feel like I am fighting with a drug and I don’t think I am gonna win he says that he chooses me all the time cos he doesn’t use daily but fact is that he is on script he doesn’t have to use he just needs help. He would use everyday I believe if he had the means but he doesn’t, which is why he dabbles init not a daily user but he thinks I should be happy cos it’s not as bad as some but to me he risks his life every time he takes it. I visit family he brings it in to our home and injects in our children’s safe place in their home. It’s so wrong.

I had to change my sons saving account as he had access and was taking my sons saving to spend on drugs I have to hide my card and car keys I can’t have cash I am living in hell.

I really don’t know what to do why can’t I just leave him. Why is it so hard. Why can’t he change for me and his kids. What am I doing wrong. Why are we not worth it. Why do they come first. I don’t feel like a wife I feel like a carer and a drug worker. Why can’t we just have an easy life. Will it ever be easy. I feel confused all the time I am scared for my children I don’t want them to bury their father I want them to have a father that they can be proud of. I really don’t know what to do.

Thanks for the advice information. I am glad that you are recovering and you have took the steps to change well done. What helped you in relation to changing/ fighting and dealing with ur addictions.

[bt1978]

Hey Kirst

Well done on putting the kids first, so many people dont and the damage it can cause is terrible later on in life – you sound like a good responsible mum.

From what you have written unfortunately it sounds like your partner is a full blown addict. The problem here is that sadly this is only going to get worse, not better unless he puts it down, tackles withdrawal and gets clean. That thought in itself terrifies most addicts – after all if it was easy everyone would do it. As you describe, many people can put it down but they can’t stay stopped. Often people will say ‘ why cant you stop’ but it isn’t that simple. Addiction is often 2 fold- physical and mental. Once that is handled you are then looking at living life in lifes terms – that is terrifying to the addict as there is nowhere to hide and no clue as to how to rectify the damage you have caused, especially to your family – that’s why it becomes so appealing to carry on using.

I dont like to give advice out as I never know what I would do in other peoples shoes, but do you have a safe place you can go with the kids if you needed to?

Also the Shame you mention… that’s not your shame, that’s his. That shame will prevent you getting help and keep the weight on your shoulders. It’s very easy to take that on when you are so close to someone who is in a mess.

[kirst101]

Thanks BT, I know he seems to have got so much help then he throws it in all our faces. He said that he wasn’t gonna use after the last time he was in rehab but he only did Detox do you think he would benefit from the detox and rehab, do you think it’s fear why he will not part take in the 3 month program.

He says he is ashamed but then keeps doing it. I don’t get it.

What the best to help with the mental side of addictions in general. I told him that cognitive behavioural therapy but he then never bothered to look into it. I seem to do all the work am I enabling him or helping him I don’t no anymore. I never given him money for drugs or pills.

No I haven’t got no where to go as couldn’t go my mums as she is ill and no room at all for me and my children. That’s why I have to throw him out, which is been agreed with ss, as a safeguarding measure but that’s it ss have left me to do it as I ensure the safety of the children it’s a joke really where is my support or help.

I just don’t get why I feel like the failure when I am not the one taking the drugs. It confusing. I have always wanted to help but I don’t know if my help is actually enabling him as he may believes he can It all then say sorry and I forgive him. I don’t understand it he says I don’t get it he loves the feeling but can the feeling be worth losing everything.

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