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Hi everyone, I haven’t been very active on here recently but I hope you’re all okay.
One thing this forum has always been is supportive and I’ve been reading through some posts tonight and it’s amazing to see the support everyone is giving eachother.
I’ve toyed with the idea of posting something like this for a while because in reality there is no rule book or one piece of advise that fits all when it comes to addiction but maybe for all the people who read the forums but aren’t yet ready to post it may help to have a general “guide” to understanding addiction within their partner and a few things I would advise to bare in mind.
Again, as always, I’m not a professional, I’m no better than any of your partner’s who are struggling with addiction so please know that everything I say is learnt through my struggle with addiction and the recovery journey I am on.
1, Put yourself first
If you have only recently discovered your partner’s addiction or you have known for a while, it may overwhelming. It may be something you know nothing about and it may be extremely hard for you to process. Too often partners find themselves neglecting themselves due to the stress, shock factor and revelation of this news. Some people withdraw from friends and family because they don’t want anyone to know about their partners issues and this is unhealthy. Often you will be a mother or wife with a job or your own responsibilities you need to uphold as well as having to process the fact that your partner has hidden this from you. Not only that, it is common that along with the addiction, there will be financial effects you may learn about either debt or high spending that can cause anxiety.
Before you can help anyone you need to make sure you are okay yourself.
Do not bottle up your emotions, if you need to speak to someone please do, be it a friend, family member or your doctor I believe the most important thing you can do before you start to support a loved one is make sure that you are stable yourself. Dont focus too much at this point with overloading yourself with information asking your partner every question you will naturally want answers to. At the point you learn there is or has been an issue, it’s important to process that fact. Ensure you’re stable and then move on to the next part which is understanding the situation and asking the questions you need to know.
<b>2, Understanding addiction</b>
This may be the most important part.
Not every addict is a bad person. No one ever wakes up one day and decided it would be a good idea to become an addict. Addiction is a disease that can grip you no matter who you are.
It will be natural for you to have anger towards your partner, of course you will, they have lied to you but I promise you, they never intended to hurt you. They may of cheated you out of money, emotionally blackmailed you, neglected you and your children but this is not the actions of the person they truly are.
Addiction is an all consuming thing that takes a person and completely hijacks their mind body and soul, it changes the way they think, the way they act and at the same time programs their brain to disregard any feelings of guilt or moral wrong doing. An addicts brain is being driven by the addition not themselves.
Go online, educate yourself on addiction and the effects of it. Maybe even attend a CA meeting yourself and speak to other removing addicts yourself because of you are going to support and addict it is vital you understand what it is they have been going through.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t have anger towards them nor that you shouldn’t feel wronged but separating the person you once loved from the addiction will be so important when finding the strength you will need when supporting them.
It is also important to understand addiction so you can better identify when your partner may still be trying to manipulate or trick you. Up until now you assumed this is just the behaviour of the person but understanding what is them and what is addiction will enable you to better acknowledge when your partner is being honest about things.
<b>3, Listen, Set boundaries, stick to them</b>
Coming clean to your partner about your addiction is one of the scariest things an addict will ever face. They will carry so much guilt and so much shame over their actions and they will be terrified about the possibility of losing you.
Now this isn’t always the case, I see alot of posts where the partner is abusive towards their partner when confronted or they blame them for everything and continue to use and behave the same way whilst disregarding the hurt and pain they are causing their family. I can’t comment on what to do in that situation. That man isn’t ready to face his addiction and ultimately in that situation I’d go back to the first point I said and put yourself first and if walking away is the only option to ensure your happiness then maybe that’s the answer. But for people who are willing to change this conversation will be the most important when starting on the recovery journey.
It’s vital that the addict feels they can be honest with you, and it’s equally important that they are actually honest with you.
Through their addiction, honesty is something that is forgotten so being honest with you about the darkest secrets they have is going to be hard. Don’t push for too much information all at once. And no matter how hard it is please try to be understanding. I know youre going to learn things that make you want to scream and shout but right now, they will be feeling so much guilt and shame already that adding to this with screaming could be enough to make them use again. Equally and this is hard to balance, I’m not saying you have to just accept everything and not react and get upset. I can’t tell you how to balance this but if something is relatively minor like, “when I said I was working late I was in the pub and using” you can deal with that later but other more serious issues then of course I have no right to tell you how to deal with that.
Once you have spoken about things and you now know about the addiction, it’s important to set boundaries.
Addicts are the best liars in the world. But letting the cycle continue is not going to help you or them.
Set clear boundaries, for example, I don’t want you going to the pub/club because that’s where you might use or even just on general that if they continue to use there will be consequences and if they respect you and they are serious about recovery they will stick to these.
These boundaries can change down the line but only when you both agree on it.
Sticking to the boundaries is important because if an addict finds a way to get away with using and not suffering consequences it will enable them to continue.
It’s also to make sure you yourself are not being taken for granted. As hard as it is I believe sticking to the boundaries you set will be a clear line between the “real” world and the world an addict lives in. It will show them that their actions will not be tolerated and will hopefully motivate them to stick to recovery.
These are just the first few important things and again this is just my opinion. Please don’t take this as me telling you specifically what to do but I hope the above may help some of you in even a small way.
Feel free to reach out and ask me anything you may want to know.
Stay strong everyone
James x
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I’m the partner of an addict. We’ve been together for six months. I knew that she was an addict when I started dating her. I have a terrible guilt that I’m enabling her or contributing to her comfort in addiction. I don’t know how to help her and i feel very alone in the whole thing. My therapist told me that a partner staying through addiction can actually decrease the likelihood of desire to get clean. And I think about that every day. My girlfriend has begged me to leave her before and even broke up with me once because of her addiction. I don’t know what to do.
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My husband is a alcoholic and since June things have been terrible, I have left but come back because his dad died and promised things would change and he will get the help, he has not gone to the meetings as he promised and nothing has improved. He lost his job and now a few months away from most likely loosing the house.
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<span style=”caret-color: #183264; color: #183264; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 18px;”>Hi there, I am sorry to hear you are struggling, I know of a fantastic charity that would love to support you . They are based in Oxford. Please have a look on their website – you can also fill in a referral form. </span>https://adaptoxford.org.uk<span style=”caret-color: #183264; color: #183264; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 18px;”>. I know numerous people who have had support from them and done exceedingly well. They offer free treatment.</span>
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<span style=”caret-color: #183264; color: #183264; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 18px;”>Hi there, I am sorry to hear you are struggling, I know of a fantastic charity that would love to support you . They are based in Oxford. Please have a look on their website – you can also fill in a referral form. </span>http://www.adaptoxford.org.uk<span style=”caret-color: #183264; color: #183264; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 18px;”> I know numerous people who have had support from them and done exceedingly well. They offer free treatment.</span>
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I found your post to be the most helpful advice I’ve seen this far. Thank you so much. This is so hard. But there’s hope, and I’m not letting this disease win.
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My addict partner has just started a lengthy prison sentence down to his addiction. He only told me the night before what exactly it was he was addicted to as before this he told me it was alcohol and cocaine. He told me finally it was crack.
I’m struggling to come to terms with this but don’t want to give up on him.
your words have really helped me today
thankyou
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I would like it if people with alcohol/substance use disorder learned the family member’s experience too. We read everything we can to try and learn why people are the way they are, we go on CRAFT training and we try and be the best we can. We are often carers who are given little understanding or support.
Our experiences are so often neglected (I mean if you look at this forum there’s loads of people with substance use disorder talking about their experiences for a supposed charity dedicated to family members) and I would love it for policy makers, NHS, social care, our loved ones, to learn about us. How absolutely devastating it is. How people with lived experience of addiction could learn to listen to us and our pain. We forget who we are and become totally absorbed by the addiction just as much. Where the hell are our support groups that you could attend so you could understand our situation, our therapy? Why are we left behind to remember everything?
I understand you’re trying to help, and it’s empathetic enough, as well as it being useful for others. But I don’t know, it just got to me. Like I’m a bit fed up of being told to empathise with the loved one, when so often that isn’t reciprocated for so many of us. This forum doesn’t feel like a safe space at all and I joined thinking it would be.
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<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi James,</p>
I hope you are doing good!My boyfriend has been in rehab now and at first I was really anxious, I read online that rehabs wants the addicts to be be single for their recovery but I thought that only applied to people who are single not the ones in a relationship.
Now 3 weeks apart from each other.. he called and said he thinks it is better to walk his path alone but he isn’t sure because on the other side he wants to be with me, he’s still gonna be in rehab for another 6 weeks. I asked him if he is really sure about his decision because what if he changes his mind again 6 weeks later? He said he doesn’t know, nothing is certain to him, he wants to be with me but also doesn’t want to disappoint me so think its also better to be alone.
Do you think he’s even knowing what he’s talking about right now? Or is he just scared of the new emotions he’s feeling while in rehab?
Thanks!
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<p style=”text-align: left;”>So much of this makes sense. I really wish I knew if my partner really doesn’t care about me or our family of if it’s the coke doing it it’s like he has no emotion or feeling towards me watsoever but seems fine with others</p>
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