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Hi All. Quick one to thank everyone for responses and care. I’ll try and reply again tomorrow. He’s still in hospital but very poorly, less with-it than end of last week and weaker. Have been told he’ll be in there a while. He was diagnosed with COVID today so being moved off the liver ward. All seems so hopeless. I’m desperately worried for him, I don’t want him to die. Lateral tests for me and son coming back negative so far, although son just started with a cough. Will order test tomotrow, although I need to do financial stuff tomorrow, hope to god I can send him to holiday camp. Drain’s blocked as well, added to tomorrow’s list. I have to stick to my ‘to do’ lost, we can’t be laid low with anything !!!! Night time for us now, it wishing you all as peaceful and restful night as possible ???? x

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Hi All. Quick one to thank everyone for responses and care. I’ll try and reply again tomorrow. He’s still in hospital but very poorly, less with-it than end of last week and weaker. Have been told he’ll be in there a while. He was diagnosed with COVID today so being moved off the liver ward. All seems so hopeless. I’m desperately worried for him, I don’t want him to die. Lateral tests for me and son coming back negative so far, although son just started with a cough. Will order test tomotrow, although I need to do financial stuff tomorrow, hope to god I can send him to holiday camp. Drains’s blocked as well, added to tomorrow’s list. I have to stick to my ‘to do’ lost, we can’t be laid low with anything !!!! Night time for us now, it wishing you all as peaceful and restful night as possible ???? x

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Hi All. Quick one to thank everyone for responses and care. I’ll try and reply again tomorrow. He’s still in hospital but very poorly, less with-it than end of last week and weaker. Have been told he’ll be in there a while. He was diagnosed with COVID today so being moved off the liver ward. All seems so hopeless. I’m desperately worried for him, I don’t want him to die. Lateral tests for me and son coming back negative so far, although son just started with a cough. Will order test tomotrow, although I need to do financial stuff tomorrow, hope to god I can send him to holiday camp. Drains’s blocked as well, added to tomorrow’s list. I have to stick to my ‘to do’ lost, we can’t be laid low with anything !!!! Night time for us now, it wshig you all as peaceful and restful night as possible ???? x

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Hi JEM. This morning I rang the police to register him as a vulnerable adult because he cannot look after himself now (food, alcohol/liquids), falls if gets out of bed, soiling self. They called an ambulance & along with GP who was clear to him he’s unlikely to last beyond a few days and being out of hospital was no longer an option, he went voluntarily. He’s in liver failure. Arrived in A&E 12pm. Seen finally at 6pm (dear god!!!!!). Agreed he’d be transfered to surgical assessment unit. Never did found out what for as in spite of couple hours of ringing no one answered. 10pm, hammering on parents’ door where I’m staying with my son. Yes, he’d absconded from hospital (we don’t know if discharged self or just run off). £30 for taxi later, he tells me he needs the keys to the house so he can go to bed. I’m afraid I lost the plot this time, will have been very exciting for the neighbours. Made it clear it is no longer his home (I just that minute ended our ‘partnership,’ and the house is mine) and that he would have to apply for access to his son again (he has parental rights, so I know have to go through the legal motions to prevent him turning up at school gates etc.). My parents were deeply upset and my little boy sobbing’ don’t let daddy get me, I don’t want to see him’. He staggered off (falling several times on way), to collapse at end of the street. Police in meantime had been to our address (they were asking neighbours if they’d seen him). Was eventually found collapsed a couple of streets away from my parents house. His hospital bag had been deposited by taxi, so he was out dressed in pair of shorts, t-shirt, no cash or anything else. Last update from police, they were waiting with him for ambulance, but he was refusing to go again. I made clear he cannot come ‘home’ again and there is now a child safeguarding issue thrown in to the mix since he’s trying to get in to my son’s home when he absconds and I must keep him safe. They couldn’t take him in to custody because he’s too poorly. No idea where he is now, but if been outside all night and left hospital again – if ever did go back, will have died of hypothermia. Weather has been foul this pm where I live, heavy rain, winds and cold. Updated his brother and told him he’s now homeless and not my responsibility. Brother refuses to have him as his mother is didsbled, no room and they can’t cope with him. So this is where we are this evening. Don’t know if he’s dead or alive, safe or not. He has lost everything, including the only thing that mattered to him in the end (even then second to whisky), his son. I am living on high alert, now looking over my shoulder to see if he’s lurking around, dreading going back home in case he’s there, or worse, dead on the lawn. I’ve some hospital treatment booked in for today – have a neurological condition, which I can’t put off again. Not sure if my son will be up to school in view of last night’s activities. I now have to see solicitor to legally safeguard my son (not straightforward with alcoholic access), borrowing money of parents to pay. My last shred of pity for him fell away this pm, and if he survives, I will never forgive him for the trauma, chaos, financial and emotional disaster and distress he has inflicted on us. I see nothing of the man he once was left. Upcoming months/years I have nothing but grief and difficulties to navigate and my tank was empty a long time ago. I’m terrified of breaking down as I do feel traumatised by it all. This is what it is for the family of the alcoholic, seldom a good conclusion. Thanks again for being so lovely JEM, especially through your own traumas and sadness. I hope so much that you have a happier future with your son, and that you do manage to access the help that you both need eventually x

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Also wanted to thank you for signposting Drugfam. I spoke to two lovely ladies today, who were incredibly kind. They left a message for me encouraging me to ring back so they could provide ongoing support. You’re right, they are great

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I’m only a few days in to trying to get emergency care for my partner, but it’s so hard to find anyone who can do anything. I’m so sorry that you’re struggling so much to access that you feel no option other that private rehab. It’s a crying shame that support facilities are so poor/non-existent. How is he at the moment?

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I’m not going through that each day and running out of soft furnishings. Today insisted the GP comes out, or I would leave him in A&E unless someone medically qualified saw him. GP came, examined him (enlarged liver, various other problems I can’t remember name of). He’s taken bloods and will get the results tomorrow. Detox unit is 1-2 weeks’ wait and there’s no way he can last that long. GP said if blood tests came back bad (and he has warned him they will), then will need admitting as an emergency. GP was very firm with him and told him he’s very poorly, the most poorly person he’s seen in a long time, and the options were either I find him dead one day or he accepts help. He also made it clear to him the toll it was taking on my health, and that the situation couldn’t go on. I could have hugged him!! We had a bit of resistance, but I told him I would leave him in A&E if he doesn’t do as the GP tells him. So I have everything crossed, but will not be surprised if we have a mind change again. My little boy is staying at Grandma and Grandad’s tonight. I miss him so much, we’ve never been apart since he was born ???? Bit more worried about daddy needing 999 if I leave him. Will do my best for him until he’s in a medical environment and off my shift as it were. Broke the news to his friends and brother (next of kin) today. A lot of sadness and partner didn’t want anyone to know, but I’ve told him family need to know now and they want to help where they can. Work have been very kind and told me to just let them know when I feel like doing any. They may over-work their staff, but I’m so relieved they’re understanding and sympathetic to the situation. Having a hot chocolate now and giving serious consideration to trying to get some sleep before the nighttime fun begins. Calm before the storm. Hope you’re doing OK x

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Hi JRM, thanks again for your words of wisdom and support. They’ve really resonated and helped me with plan forming. Yesterday was a fiasco. GP was coming for a home visit, then chnaged their mind and asked me to take him to the surgery. He soiled himself trying to get out of bed (repeated occurance, now have 2 carpets that need replacing and a mattress). Not well enough to get there. GP then offered to see me at the survery, so I went for a brain pick/cry. They said there is nothing they can do unless he wants help, said they’d provide whatever support I need. So we were no further forward. I’ve moved with my son to my mum & dads until something is sorted. The house stinks (now of bleach as took me 4 hours to get the worst out of the carpets), everywhere is wet or soiled. 5 loads of washing today, towels stacked, floors covered, made my partner put some tena pants on, because I

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JEM, thank you! I hadn’t thought of these options, and they’ve given me other avenues to explore. He doesn’t know what day it is, can’t stand up anymore. He thinks I’m taking him to get some blood tests tomorrow, and then he waits to see what the doc says (three weeks on Thursday?), denies he said he’d contact Forward Leeds. I’ve refused to take him for his blood tests, which means he won’t leave the house or will collapse on the drive/get run over. I would manhandle him in to a car and wheel him in the hospital, ranting and stinking as he is, only if he will ring the rehab centre as asked by the GP and as he said he would. Would appear nothing can be done unless he agrees, which is a problem the more delirious and incapable he becomes. And he’s an alcoholic, they don’t do sensible, rational, honest etc. Having a camp out in the conservatory tonight with my son, the whole of upstairs stinks now and can’t face another night of ranting. My son said today he wants daddy to die because he’s horrible! Dear god, what a state. I also told him (well, shouted at him because I can’t bear it anymore), that I’ll be ringing his brother and all his friends to ask someone to come and get him and deposit him at his brothers. His brother is a coke addict, that will be interesting, but at least whatever is left of the man I once knew won’t be here purifying any more. I very much doubt anyone will come and help out, who wants that horror in their life? I’ll ring Drugfam, GP & Social Services tomorrow to see if anyone can come up with anything helpful. To be honest I think he needs sectioning for his own safety, but the bile I received when I offered this as solution to his inaction was frightening. I’ll be letting him know what’s going on, so he still has the choice of ringing the rehab centre for help/hospitalisation or he can be ejected from the house by whatever means I can find, because I will not force my son to watch daddy rot & die before him. We slept over at my parents’ last night for a break. I spent all evening worrying about him, back home early doors to check he was still alive. Tomorrow I’m back at work, trying to manage a busy department and staff, whilst navigating this rubbish and rest of home life. Think I’m going/gone mad most of the time these days. Is your mum better now? What an awfully hard situation trying to juggle their care needs, I can’t imagine how torn and exhausted you must’ve been. I’m so glad that social services helped with your mum. How is your son now? A hug to you, sounds like you have so much on your plate too, I really do appreciate your care and advice. Both are invaluable ???? xx

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This morning I rang 111 after he had a fall (in his room, he doesn’t know what’s going on half the time). They wanted him to attend A&E within the hour. Was OK after fall, because he’s ranting, vomiting, got the DTS. He refused, got really angry with me. I threw 35cl bottle of whisky in his room, packed a bag and myself and son staying somewhere else overnight. He can’t get out for booze, big risk he’ll be in serious trouble. Does this make me evil? I can’t bear the thought of being near him anymore, but will be my fault if something bad happens? Am I negligent? I don’t know how I should feel about this ???? Have to go back tomorrow (plus it’s my house!!)

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JEM, thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. I don’t really have anyone who can help. My parents are elderly and not in the best of health, no sibblings, and friends not aware of what’s going on. The house is in my name only and I pay all the bills. My parents have offered to lend me the money to get legal advice to see if he’s entitled to anything. We’re not married, but I need to be clear, as I’ve asked him to leave before and he told me he’d only go if I paid him. He quite literally has nothing as he earned a lot less than me and his money mainly went on booze. He then begs me to stick with him as he has no one and no where to go. It’s heartbreaking. Therin lies the dilemma, I feel responsible for putting him on the streets to be abused/to die, or our little boy has to continue with it. I did wonder about contacting adult social services, to see if they could offer any advice on any help for him after I ask him to leave the family home? Although he isn’t well enough or coherent, so would have no ability to sort anything out himself. Otherwise I’m back to hoping he contacts the addiction centre, and he says I’m now pushing him too hard and quickly and he can’t cope. I think I’m going to have to stay strong and find a way to get him out of the house. If anyone has any experience of any organisations that can help with re-homing addicts after no longer suitable for them to stay in previous home I’ll appreciate it. I’m away of how terrible that sounds, but no way to sugar coat ???? I’m so sorry to hear about your son, I can’t imagine the worry and what you’re going through. You’re absolutely right, I know I need to find a way and fast to prevent my little boy being damaged (further) by it.

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What a lovely poem James, thanks for sharing x

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Hi. I so sorry for what you’re going through. I would say as mum of a 5 year old with an alcoholic father, that much as you love him and care for him, he is never going to be good father material. At least not unless he can find it in him to get help, and prove to you for a sustained period of time that he is sober/clean. Then that would be your choice. My son has a drunken, nasty, wasted daddy. And that’s no life for a child, for anyone or you. If you’d like children I’d say best out of the relationship and to find some happiness and peace without him. Ultimately you aren’t responsible for him (and how many of us are ‘trapped’ because they have no where else to go, no one else who accepts their behaviour, or provides for them?) Really, you aren’t. If he’s left before, presume he has somewhere to go? Can you change the locks and perhaps have someone stay with you (or you with them), if you’re worried about what he might do? Sending a hug x

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