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Agreed Dot, well said.
Louise, look after you, don’t worry about him, he’s made his choice (for the time being) Be strong, you will be fine, happier, less mental torture without him x
Kklost,
How are you doing? x
An addict has no clue or concern how their actions bounce onto other people.
My husband occasionally would text me saying he’s getting a taxi home, then 3 hours later he’d still not be home.
Coke makes you incredibly selfish, and totally void of responsibilities or concern for anyone else.
I started seeing a councillor before lockdown, because I realised that my reaction was only affecting me, he didnt give two tosses. I’d love to be able to think ‘f**k it, do what you want, i’m getting on with my life’ but frankly its impossible to react like that when you firstly care about someone’s wellbeing, and secondly fear them.
Louise1505, No you’re not losing the plot, but it feels like you are doesn’t it! Its like being on a fast rollercoaster that never stops.
I’m so glad i’m off it, my husband is 5 months clean of coke after years and years of doing it sometimes recreationally, sometimes daily.
As i’ve been through it and come out the other side (at the moment, i’m not resting on my laurels as I know it could start up again) I’m happy to support anyone through this.
Sending love x
Hw12,
Hate to say it, but it sounds to me like he’s still using.
What is your gut telling you?
I can only go from my experience, and when my husband was coming off coke in the first few weeks he didn’t got to work, he didnt really leave the house, he was recovering, he was tired and lazy, but not snappy, he was depressed and annoyed with himself for having to go through this, he was also remorseful and wanted lots of reassurance from me and our daughter.
Other people may have different experiences.
Here for you if you need me, keep smiling x
Kittenmitten,
The ‘excuses’ for not coming home/making contact made me laugh. The nights I have not been able to sleep because he’s gone radio silent, maybe theres a handbook on ‘what excuses to feed your partner when you’re high’ somewhere we arent aware of! And the avoidance of eye contact…. my clean husband now says ‘stop looking at my eyes’ because he’s used to me doing so to tell if he’s high.
Hope you’re doing well x
And there you go, its not you. You are not that person really. I want kids to be educated on this evil drug, its glamourised and it honestly shouldn’t be.
I was going to say you wouldnt get coke for £20. Although I’m sure its possible if thats all you have?
Dot is right, his head is clearer now and he can see what his behaviour was like, when he was in it…. not a clue right Dot?
Hey Dot,
Brilliant news! How exciting, your future awaits 🙂
See, there is a world ahead of you that doesn’t revolve around being an arse, ha.
Onwards and Upwards should be your motto.
Hi Girlinthesticks,
I’m no solicitor, but I would presume that you can deny access if he is using drugs. It would be irresponsible of any court to make a child spend time with an addict. You know as well as I do that they are irrational and can be irresponsible.
I’m not in the same boat as I’m still with my husband and he is clean, but part of the reason I stayed when it was bad was the fear of what might happen if we split up and he had contact.
When he was using I was literally like a single parent anyway, I couldn’t even ask him to collect her after school in case he was high, and I never went out for an evening, even a for a short time, because the irrational fear of what could happen if I wasn’t there and he was in sole charge consumed me, there was no point going anywhere, so I just became the sole caregiver. So I can understand your worries.
Have a chat with a solicitor, they’ll mostly do free consultations, then you will have a clearer view of your rights.
Sending hugs x
Hi,
I’m sorry you are going through this too, so much of what you say resonates with me and will with others on this forum.
Can you give us a timeline of his alleged stop point etc. My husband has been clean for 5 months, but I have plenty of experience (unfortunately) of him not being so. I know the signs and I’m so tuned in to him, I can tell by his voice on the phone, or his tone in a text sometimes, the language he uses changes! If he’s in detox mode then there will be a good period of time when he’s lethargic, snappy etc.
The only way you can tell for sure is to test him. If he’s clean he shouldn’t have an issue with you doing this, if he’s not he’ll get angry, blame you for daring to ask like you dont trust him (tbf you have every right not to trust him).
There’s a vast difference between someone who uses occassionally and an addict, and once you are addicted you are a different person from the one who used every now and then for fun. He’s probably got to the point that he’s been using to maintain normal now.
You arent alone, look after you! You deserve a life too x
Hi bbb,
I feel so sad listening to the story of your baby loss, its a hugely emotional time, and you need one another, yet the choice to use coke was stronger. Its unforgiveable.
2 years ago my husband was so convinced (for a year!) that I had had an affair that it twisted him into knots, he was using heavily, getting more paranoid, constantly asking me, trying to trip me up – you can’t trip up an innocent person. In fact his passive aggression and bullying words had turned me into a nervous wreck, I was so scared of an episode that my heart would race, my throat would dry up, I would shake – he saw this as guilt, but it was in fact fear. It got so bad I ended up taking an overdose because I couldnt see a way out of this mess, it was a cry for a break, I was aware enough not to take too many (but still potentially enough to do some damage it turned out) I ended up in an ambulance that he called, he said all the right things when the paramedics arrived, yet 15 mins before he’d been doing a line in front of me. I went to hospital overnight, he wouldnt even come to pick me up, I had to get a taxi home in the morning. He blamed me for doing it, said it was a stupid stunt, he had zero empathy and really didnt care.
I tell you this story because, my husband now would NOT be anything like this, it literally is like living with Jekyll and Hyde. I hate how the drug changes people, its a mind altering substance, and from what I can see, has no positives!!
Without a child, please move on with your life and be happy. Your happiness is important.
Thank you for your kind reply too x
Wow, you’ve done amazing. Its great that you have seen the light, so to speak
Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you see things clearly enough to realise that life has to change right.
I’m not a drug addict, but I do smoke. On that basis, I can see how difficult it would be to give up. My husband has depression, is on medication and it makes him flat, he started doing coke again to get a good feeling, but after a while you end up using to feel normal, you don’t even feel good. I’ve lived as the parter of a drug addict for 15 years now, on and off, and when its on its the worst life, that when he’s clean its amazing (even though to others it probably just looks ‘alright’) You start to take all the positives with massive appreciation, because the bad is downright awful.
Keep on keeping on Daz 🙂
I’ve known my husband 20 years, been together 15 and married 12.
At least you are able to laugh!! Don’t expect the sex to return with vengance….. ours hasnt!!
Kklost – You can check Monday if Sunday was an issue, its gets into your system pretty quickly. I’d check every 2-3 days to be sure 🙂 and don’t tell him when you’re going to test in case he thinks he can cheat it. Don’t feel bad, if he wasn’t in the spiral of addiction he’d have been able to cope normally, you know, like you probably do every day 🙂