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Well done Daz, I truly hope this is the beginning of the rest of your life. It worries me so much that kids dabble in this, not realising that it could take over your life.
My 18 year old daughter said she knows more people that do it, that don’t…. thats a shocking statistic! 18 years old with your whole life ahead of you, and you could f**k it all up, waste your money, become a slave to it, lie, cheat, turn into a different person…. and for what?
Stay strong, you have hurt your wife, she will need time. You have to remember that she has gone through this and if she takes you back too soon you’ll think you can do it again and she’ll just put up with it. You are doing the right things and you are doing a great job. Give her space, believe me, she wont be looking for a relationship, so dont worry about her getting with anyone else. She needs time to find herself again, living with an addict is exhausting and a massive headf**k.
Here if you need to talk about anything, and seriously, well done for taking these steps 🙂
Hi Charley,
No problem. I’m probably not the best person to answer, yes my husband is clean (5 months) but I have been here before, and the dread of the return of the addict is here always. I love him, and clean he is wonderful. On coke he’s not.
I have to live my life still thinking about him all the time, its exhausting, Learned experience makes me think ‘how will he react’ to literally every thing I do or decision I make. Thats not a good way to be. But I’m still here because there is a good man here.
There is no point setting boundaries and not following them through, if he wants to stop he will, but the consequences need to be instilled so they are clear.
Coke is an evil sly drug, it tricks people into thinking they have it under control, then boom, they dont, and theres nothing you can do about it by then.
Here if you need to talk 🙂 Thinking of you x
Hi bbb,
I resonated with your story, not the money as my husband always had enough of his own money, but the lies, the deciet, the accusations because they’re paranoid.
One thing, you are your own person, you are not his carer, you are not responsible for his actions. It sounds like you have given him plenty of chances. You deserve a life and to be happy, get out while you can. If you had children with him you will be even less able to leave, you will feel like if he spirals it’s your fault, you dont want to leave your kids without a father. Realistically this is not your problem to deal with.
My friends dont understand and they’re bored of hearing it over and over again, and to be honest I don’t blame them, I never took advice because I thought they didn’t get it, but they did, I didnt.
Unless he wants to change he wont for you, or for anyone else. Not even a child (as I know)
There is a book by Amanda Andruzzi called Hope Street, she is in our boat. I read it when my husband was using Coke, and its all about being co-dependent. Please get it and read it, it will help you realise you arent alone.
Sending love
You are doing the right things. Its hard being the partner, it is truly like being on an emotional rollercoaster. You begin to normalise things that aren’t normal, you become desensitised to situations to get through them.
Things to look out for are, lack of appetite, dilated pupils (depending which side they snort one eye will be more dilated than the other), different tone of voice, spending more and more time away from the house/working longer hours to stay away from where they know they can’t get away with doing it, inability to get up in the morning. There are so many differences between a clean person and someone who is using, you’ll notice if you tune in.
Keep smiling 🙂
I know these tests are reliable https://www.amazon.co.uk/Cocaine-Drug-Urine-Screening-Testing/dp/B00I04LV2O
There are some on amazon called one-step and I’ve not had a great experience with them, they gave a false positive once, and I tested on myself and also got positive, and I dont touch the stuff! So the ones above are the ones I use 🙂
Total sense Kk! You can put the flags out when its negative after being positive for a while.
Take care 🙂 x
I’ve been through it over and over again Kklost, I feel strongly about helping people, and letting them know they are not alone. Its hard for the addict, but its equally as hard for those around them, and some people don’t see that. Especially hard for people with no support network, or nobody they feel they can talk to. I know I have a couple of friends who know everything, warts and all. But I couldn’t face telling my parents, my father would have literally lost it, he’s in his 70’s and I’m still his little girl, if he had half a clue it would be the end of any relationship between my father and my husband. He already has a dim view of my husband because he sees things, but doesnt see the whole picture, he sees enough to know when its happening I’m not being treated with respect and that is enough for him. If he knew it all, well….
Hi Smithy,
Its good that he realises its become a problem, thats half the battle won.
I dont know how well tuned you are to your husband, it may be that his using it has become the norm and you dont know the real him anymore. The issue I had was that on coke my husband was a totally different person, didn’t care, no motivation, no interest in anything other than hanging around with people who did it, going out and not coming home until the next day, then hanging and loloping on the sofa for 2 days after, biting my head off, depressed…. but when he was high he was also another person, void of responsibility, rude, self loathing sometimes, then full of it other times.
Its a tough drug to come off of, the physical withdrawal is ok with support, but the mental withdrawal is worse, its more mentally addictive than heroin i’m told. But luckily physically he’ll be ok.
Test him, you have every right to and if he’s clean he wont mind. If he’s not clean, he’ll try to tell you you dont need to do it, or get angry at the thought, which may mean you’ll give up asking (not a good sign) He may struggle to sleep properly, its part of detox, the dr will be able to help, he’ll have to be honest, and if possible go with him for support.
Feed him well, care for him, make him understand how it makes you feel and what he’s losing out on by doing coke.
Sending love x
I guess if you dont actually see them pee then they could cheat it.
The urine tests I got my husband to do I believe the results, I have seen both positive and negative. So when I had a feeling he was back using, but he told me he wasnt (a while ago) to satisfy my own mind I dip tested him in secret when he hadn’t flushed the loo! I’m 99% right with gut instinct.
When he stopped after using heavily for months and months, it did take about 2 weeks for it to be negative, Coke stays in your system if used as a one off for about 2-3 days. If you are consistently using it for months and months, and using a lot, it will take longer.
Kklost, I wouldn’t expect a clean result yet if your partner spent £4k on it since Dec, after 4 days clean.
x
Stress is also a trigger for my husband, I could see the last lapse happening before it happened. So the less stress he has the better.
Basically you have to be alert!
I’m sorry to hear about your business 🙁 Hopefully this will all be over and you will be able to rebuild it.
He only needs it to function now as its taken hold. The GP will be a great help, my husband started taking anti -depressants and was clean for 2 years as I said before. The anti depressants will make him feel a bit ‘void’ no highs but no lows, so it will keep him steady. Alcohol is a depressant (i’m sure I dont need to tell you that) so if he can stop drinking too that will help with the depression.
Do you think there is an underlying angst going on here, I mean to have turned to it in the first place?
Can I ask when/where he was doing it? Do you know? If at work does he work alone?
Kklost,
I did know my husband did it socially in his 30’s. I got him help 8 years ago and he stopped for 2 years, in that 2 years we had a child. Things were good, he was and still is on medication for depression, i’m not sure which came first, the drug abuse or the depression…. Then for the last 6 years he’s yoyo’d on an off it. He made the mistake of believing he could do it every now and then and not spiral back to daily. He cant. Its like telling a alcoholic to have a glass of wine every now and then.
You are doing everything right, and you sound methodical in your approach. Just remember to take time for you, you’ll need it.
Take care of him and you, its not easy stopping the evil drug. He’ll probably need to distance certain people (you’ll probably know who they are) and really wont be able to drink alcohol, as thats a trigger which lets your guard down so he’ll be more likely to relapse if he drinks. I was never a big drinker, but I don’t drink now either. I don’t want to give him temptation.
Theres a timeline of recovery here https://addictionblog.org/infographics/cocaine-withdrawal-timeline/ and beware re the urine tests, my husband had been using daily for months, and the tests were still positive for about 10-14 days after he stopped.
Take care x
Hi Dazza,
As the wife of a recovering addict, you might need to give her time.
You’ll go through a period of about 6-8 weeks of feeling crap, but the end result will be the best thing that ever happened to you.
My husband was doing coke daily for a long time, and he’s 5 months clean. I did stick with him, because I thought if I didn’t he would spiral into self destruct and our child might end up with no dad. I think if we didnt have a child I probably wouldn’t have stayed. The negatives outweighed the positives, and I was scared of him. He never physically abused me, but the mental abuse was possibly even worse. He too made accusations of my fidelity, because he was paranoid, and also because he had been unfaithful he assumed I must be too.
Don’t give up giving up, give her time, give her space. Let her know you love her and apologise. It doesn’t make you weak saying sorry. Time is a healer, you have to give up for you, not for anyone else.
I hope you have some support around you. My husband ate quite a lot in the first couple of months of stopping, dont worry about that, he’s back to normal weight now.
Stay off the beer, eat well, take up some exercise and you can be you again, and not a slave to an evil drug that has taken the old you and crumpled you up.
Here if you need to talk 🙂
Hey Kklost,
I know how you must be feeling, you sound like a strong cookie.
If I didn’t have a child with my husband I wouldn’t still be here. He is clean now, 5 months, however the fear of it returning is crushing still. If he ever snaps at me I immediately think he’s done it. He hasn’t, and I have tested him, he suggests it! Because he now knows what it did to me.
My husband has been on and off it for years, recreationally, and then it took hold. He was hiding it from me (or trying to) by using diazepam, although I still knew. He’s a different person when he’s using, he can’t see it, but I can. I can even tell by the tone of a text now, i’m so fine tuned to him. He hasnt drunk alcohol since December, alcohol tends to be a trigger. He’s distanced himself from the circles of friends he had that do it.
This is new for you, don’t let it define you. Find strength in your closest friends, I have never told my parents, they wouldnt understand.
You are not alone, there are – unfortunately – many people in your boat.
Sending love x
Hi Abb,
Sorry to read your story. I’m sure you you’re going through this. Unfortunately addicts lie, it’s what they do, they lie because think they can hide it. I’ve been with my now husband for 15 years and it’s been a rollercoaster, I’m not the person I was.
My advice to you would be issue the ultimatum and put the ball in his court. An addict can’t really pick it up and put it down, so it’s not really a good idea to suggest he can still do it socially, because if he’s addict it would be like telling an alcoholic to have a wine now and then. It’s impossible, abstinence is the only way in all honesty. My husband thinks he can pick it up and put it down again, but when he starts again, the devil on his shoulder starts up again and it starts slow and then ramps up.
I love my husband and when he’s clean he is the nicest person, but on coke he lies, is absent, And is void of all responsibilities and thought of anything other than ‘it’.
You’re not alone, and you love him xx