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Wow – well done Dot! So pleased for you!!
My husband is 13 months clean now too, I never thought i’d be able to say that. I’ve had the best year ever, and it should have been bad through Covid, but for me its been like a walk in the park, compared to living with an addict.
Smh – I’ll let Dot come back to you, but essentially what you’ve been told is about right, you can scream, shout, beg, cry, threaten but you’ll be wasting your breath unless he wants to get himself clean and chooses a different path in life.
Take care of yourself, and keep smiling. There are plenty of people on this site in your shoes, you’re not alone – even though I’m sure you feel like you are x
Wow – well done Dot! So pleased for you!!
My husband is 13 months clean now too, I never thought i’d be able to say that. I’ve had the best year ever, and it should have been bad through Covid, but for me its been like a walk in the park, compared to living with an addict.
Smh – I’ll let Dot come back to you, but essentially what you’ve been told is about right, you can scream, shout, beg, cry, threaten but you’ll be wasting your breath unless he wants to get himself clean and chooses a different path in life.
Take care of yourself, and keep smiling. There are plenty of people on this site in your shoes, you’re not alone – even though I’m sure you feel like you are x
Wow – well done Dot! So pleased for you!!
My husband is 13 months clean now too, I never thought i’d be able to say that. I’ve had the best year ever, and it should have been bad through Covid, but for me its been like a walk in the park, compared to living with an addict.
Smh – I’ll let Dot come back to you, but essentially what you’ve been told is about right, you can scream, shout, bed, cry, threaten but you’ll be wasting your breath unless he wants to get himself clean and chooses a different path in life.
Take care of yourself, and keep smiling. There are plenty of people on this site in your shoes, you’re not alone – even though I’m sure you feel like you are x
Hi lovely,
You’ve got to take care of yourself. If I was you, I would ask him to leave at a suitable time. He needs to understand that you love him and you care about him, but that his behaviour is intolerable and you are unhappy.
If he won’t leave then could you go to your parents on a temporary basis? He needs a shock to his system, and he needs to be shown that you can’t live this way together.
I used to get ‘you can’t control me, I wont be told what to do’ so I get the above won’t be an easy path. He needs to see that you’re not controlling him, you are controlling yourself and taking care of your child.
Can your parents look after your child when you work? xx
Sweetheart, you do not need to go through this on your own. Think about this, what are you getting from him? Anything or nothing?
You are still so young, happiness can be found. Do your parents know? Mine didnt/dont, because I couldnt face telling them.
I remember once I was away at a work event, and I had 43 missed calls in less than 10 minutes because our child had been sick. I was constantly on edge, not able to ever enjoy anything, my mind was preoccupied all the time. You can’t live like that forever.
It definately sounds like you are going through what I was. Its like cocaine addicts have read a book on how to be, and they all follow it! Its remarkable really.
Can you leave? I mean do you rent or own a house with him. I never left because I was worried what he would do, I suspect you feel the same. I’m not ever going to tell you what to do, because all my friends told me to leave, but for some reason I couldnt. I wasnt strong enough. Thankfully now I’m in a good place and so is he, but I wouldnt wish what I went through on my worst enemy.
Could you talk to him when he’s straight, not high and not on a come down? I mean I appreciate those times are few and far between, but thats the only time that he would be in a position to hear anything.
Take care and I’m here xx
Talk to anyone you can D&T, icarus helped me.
Don’t suffer in silence. I’m 45 and having lived with an addict for the majority of the last 15 years, I have PTSD and anxiety because of how I was treated, how I dreaded situations, how I reacted etc.
Don’t let yourself get to that point. Your happiness is the most important thing. You really do have to be selfish and look after number one, and 2 (your child).
x
Hi Drained & Tired,
I was hoping to hear from you, i’m sorry its still the same for you.
Honestly it is draining, I understand how you feel. My husband managed to quit without help, there was a defining moment for him I think. At some point he could see what he was doing was wrong on so many levels, his detachment from life, his inability to have any empathy, his health, his focus.
Mind you, this was going on for years before he had this moment! He would love to be able to do it once or twice a year at a party, but he realises he is unable to, and its like using the analogy that you wouldn’t have a drink once or twice a year if you were an alcoholic would you?
How old are you lovely? x
Hi lovely,
I am sat here feeling so sad for you, you are living my life before my husband stopped.
I too used to do all you say, hold the house together, its basically like being a single parent, but without the ability to live your own life. My days comprised of taking our daughter to school, working, doing dinner, bathtime, bedtime, then sitting on my own with my heart racing, worrying about whether he was coming home, wishing so hard that he would come home, but then if he did and he was high it would be a nightmare as I couldnt hide my sadness. Not being able to rely on him for ANYthing, never asking him to collect his child because he might have been high, never being able to make plans to go out for dinner with my friends because I didnt want to leave her with him in case he used.
Hiding it from people and making excuses for him constantly, its draining.
I dont really have any answers, my husband is now in his late 40’s, and he developed a hole in his septum, I think that partly helped him stop, because if his nose had ended up like Daniella Westbrook’s he wouldnt have been able to hide it from his family.
He didnt ever get into debt with it because he can earn decent money, and had people around him holding his business together when he was absent.
I used to worry that he was dead on nights out, he would go awol, he’d tell me ‘i’m coming home now, i’m ringing a taxi… then 4 hours later i’d wake up at 3am and he wasnt home, then I wouldnt sleep, but I still had to try and function the next day.
My husband also cheated on me, but then became paranoid that I had, such a mess was his head. It was such an awful time.
I just wish I had the answer for you, If I had my time again i’d probably still do what I did, even though it nearly killed me.
I hated Christmas because it would be another excuse to go out. And of course I never got decent presents, just some money thrown at me because heaven forbid any thought could go into choosing a gift that meant anything.
Please know you are not alone, and we are here for you xxx
Hi D&T,
Bless you, I can sympathise with you, look back through my posts.
What is your life situation like, do you have a mortgage/kids etc?
It is a really awful rollercoaster than feels never ending. I have PTSD from anxiety from the years of being on edge.
You aren’t alone, there are many people here that are going through the same as you. And when I say the same, the experiences are pretty similar, its like a coke addict has read a manual on how to act, and they do it, to the book.
Don’t take this the wrong way – But there is nothing you will be able to say or do to stop him. Its a sly drug that makes people think its ok to use recreationally, then weekly, then twice a week, and before you know it you need it to feel normal, not good! I hate it with a passion, I would love to educate young people on what this does to you I would make it my life goal. Coke is glamourised on tv, and it really shouldn’t be. It should, in my opinion, be in the same group as Heroin. But its not seen that way is it.
Sending love x
Hi Laura,
Honestly darling, go and find someone who deserves your love.
Life as the partner of a drug user is no life. We have a child together and that made me choose this path, but had we not had her I would have been gone. It pushes and pushes you.
Be happy and live your life. There are good people out there.
xx
Hi LauraJ,
I couldnt read and not reply. My husband was a coke addict and is 11 months clean, after 15 years of using on and off (mostly on).
He has finally realised that he cannot pick it up and put it down, it takes hold, reels you in and makes you a different person. He would love to be able to do it a few times a year, but he cannot. And he also cannot drink now either, as it lowers his control defences.
If you are young, and have no children, and can leave. I agree with Deb, you should really do that. If he sorts himself out then you can get back together, but why should you live in this constant state of anxiety.
I have PTSD from the years of living with an addict, I dont speak openly for fear of being shouted down (even though that wouldnt happen now he’s clean) I worry if he sees certain people, If he comes home from work in a funny mood I wonder, if he’s overly happy I wonder.
Honestly, take a look at your life and realise that your happiness is the most important thing, and if he’s not making you happy all the time then thats a problem.
Sending love x
Hi,
I have read your messages, and wanted to just say that you are not alone.
Hollybush, honestly I feel your pain. my husband is now 11 months clean, something I never thought I’d be able to say. And I count my blessings every day. You’d have thought this year would have been awful with the lockdowns etc, but it has been a dream in comparison to the previous 15.
I too contemplated not wanting to be here, but honestly darling, you need to try to detach yourself from his ways, and not let it define you.
If i’ve learnt anything it is that you cannot change someone, it doesnt matter how bad you feel, how much they hurt you, how sad you feel that they are choosing this drug over everything else. Its their choice, and not yours.
I dont know what your home living arrangements are, but if there is any way to get out, then do that, and save yourself.
You have to be selfish and think of yourself and not him.
Sending love x
Hi B111,
I dont think anyone can answer that categorically, but my husband has cheated on me a few times, always when he has been using Coke. Its not an excuse, but it could be a reason.
Honestly, being with a cocaine user is like being on a life rollercoaster, and living with Jekyll and Hyde, so its quite possible that it could be the reason.
If I was you, i’d certainly not rush into the wedding until you have rebuilt trust, and that will take some time.
Sending hugs
Hi Holly and Frankie,
I was sad reading your stories, I’ve been in a similar position for years on and off, and I feel your pain, anxiety and worry. Have a read of my past posts.
NEVER ever blame yourselves for being in this situation. It is not your fault at all, coke is a sly drug, it starts off as a bit of fun, an extra at a party. Then before you know if you are using it every day just to feel normal. It doesnt even make an addict feel good anymore.
I too have a child with my husband, have been married 12 years, and he is, at present 9 months clean. He cannot drink alcohol now either as it is a huge trigger for him.
I lost so much weight when he was in the middle of an addictive binge. Every weekend spent feeling anxious, and then wasted Sundays trying to keep out of his way. Coming home from work late and high, expecting a lift to work the next day because his car was there. Treading on eggshells all the time, second guessing the mood.
This past 9 months have been like a dream for me, some normality amid the covid chaos. I’d take this time over an addictive phase any day!
My husband has previously stopped for 12-18 months, so its not out of the ordinary for this to happen, i’m not counting my chickens…. although I keep telling myself that one time when he stops it will be forever. I hope this is it.
Sending love and always here x
Wow Ann, you have been so strong. I didnt want to read and run.
Your words resonated with me, living with a cocaine addict is like being on a really awful fast bumpy rollercoaster that wont stop.
I think the problem is that when you live ‘in it’ for so long, you hate it, but it becomes normality, you normalise things that are not normal, not by a long way, but you make excuses to yourself.
Its so sad, but the partners deserve some happiness too, and even though my husband is 9 months clean, the fear of the return of it, is hard. Don’t get me wrong, its not constantly on my mind, but at times it is, more times than it should be. Its almost like I have PTSD from the trauma of living with it.
You are an inspiration! x