[b8988]

I don’t agree, it is an illness, a horrible one.

I’ve seen the devastation it causes to the addict. No one in their right mind would lose everything and still continue using. Their jobs, families their homes etc.

Now the problem is not to make excuses for it being an illness! You can’t defend someone’s behaviour by saying he or she is ill, they still have choices to change and put effort into getting clean.

My husband never used on nights out, he’d use secretly in the house on his own whilst we were asleep so definitely not as part of a session or party etc. My husband uses it to escape! Until he finds out why he needs to do that he’ll never change. That’s for him to sort though and not me.

[b8988]

Hi there, thanks for responding. I’m now at the point where I’m living alone with the kids. Im paying for everything whilst he’s living in a crummy room in a house share.

My husband is more interested if I’m going to be going on dates with other people then the real issue of sorting himself out. You have to laugh don’t you.

I think my husband wants to change but just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand the dedication to turning your life around. He thinks stopping by himself or attending a few meetings will be it. I think that attending meetings has to be for life in order to stay clean. Apparently anyone can stop it’s staying stopped that’s the hard bit. My husband can stop for 6-7 months from willpower alone then thinks he’s cured then the addiction takes hold again and he hits it so hard like he’s never stopped.

I don’t feel anxious like I once did, my life is peaceful without him. Like you say I love my old husband but that person died when he became an addict!

I’m fed up of jumping back on the rollercoaster, getting my hopes up then it all happing again. No one can live with an active addict, not without making yourself crazy you can’t!

I’m now just concentrating on me, for once in my life and surprisingly I’m doing ok. My life will flourish compared to his. A life with drugs is no life at all!

Hugs to everyone who is dealing with an addicted loved one! It’s hell on earth xxx

[b8988]

Read my reply to that lost girls post hun. I’m actually feeling ok.

He turned his phone off for 4 days said wasn’t on drugs, didn’t think he wanted to be with me.

As soon as I backed off I’ve had the lot today whilst I’ve been at work, suicide threats, threats to disclose my secrets, him being nice, him being vile! Basically he’s acting so crazy and irrational I’m quite enjoying being able to see it for what it is.

Madness!!!

I don’t want anymore of it, I’m done!

They say when you’re done, you’re done and I feel totally different. Today is the turning point.

I am no longer seeing anything good about him. That is helping a lot!

Hope you’re well x

[b8988]

Just have faith that you won’t care very soon. Read my posts. Such a long story.

My husband ( long history with hidden coke addiction) same as your husband and nearly everyone’s husband, act pretty much same way. They mess your head up, get you thinking it’s you. It’s not, you need to drum it into yourself it’s not.

Like they need to get clean, we also need to.

First read up about co dependency, go to al anon or another 12 step support programme. You will start to become more level headed, you will start to see all the madness for what it is. You won’t be able to do this until you get well. We are sick like them, they’ve made us sick!

Cut all contact. I mean all contact. Don’t let him see his son until he can prove he’s clean, tell him to go through the courts. ( they won’t) addicts haven’t got motivation to do anything but score more drugs.

This is the tough one. Accept your marriage is over, Stop seeing the man he was and start writing lists of all the things he’s become, all the awful things he’s done to you. You need to see him as someone new, someone evil! I don’t find it easy thinking of them as sick ( which they are, but it keeps us locked in) because we still have empathy despite everything.

My husband left me and our kids last Thursday, claimed he didn’t think he wanted it anymore, basically has binged since then and now I’ve cut all contact, let’s just say he’s not being very nice.

Suicide threats, threats to disclose secrets about me, threats to turn up at my house.

I can’t live like it anymore but I’m starting to feel stronger and after crying and really trying to let it go and see it for what it is now, I actually feel a little empowered.

Keep strong. Someone told me if you really love the person deep down, let him go because I’m keeping him sick for longer and that hit home hard!

Until he chooses another path you can’t do anything. But you can look after yourself and I promise eventually you’ll feel better but you have to try to change too. You can’t expect them to quit drugs if we can’t quit them, if that makes sense?

Xx

[b8988]

Probably/definitely on porn or gambling sites. My husband would go on them for hours and hours when high. He said you always need to be doing something, especially with your hands. Omg too much info – sorry!

[b8988]

Hi there, can I ask you something from an addicts perspective. Do you still feel love?

My husband tells me he loves me all the time, I’ve never doubted it, but when he becomes reckless on coke he tries to push me away. He’s done a runner since Thursday (claiming to blame a argument for the reason he’s left), despite a 5 year addiction where he lost nearly everything, he finally admitted he was an addict and had 7 months clean, but he never attended meetings and always thinks he can do it himself. This has happened twice now! He never seems to learn or maybe doesn’t want to.

He never seems to have the desire to go to meetings. He arranges then but misses appointments claiming work, or family commitments get in the way! Does this mean he isn’t serious about quitting? Someone told me they tell you what you want to hear to come home, then secretly plant a seed when to use and blame anything and everyone as to why they’ve relapsed. Or in my husbands case now denying he’s back using.

when I think it’s moving forward, it all goes back.

If he tries to come back this time I’m going to say no. Not until maybe a few years have passed. It has to be for the long term now! I love the real him, but can’t keep doing it to myself or my kids. After that time I doubt I’d want to risk it all again anyway.

[b8988]

Hi Hun,

Please make him leave. I threw my husband out first time I caught him using coke in our house. I had him back as he downplayed it and claimed to be depressed. Etc. Look at my stories on here.

Basically once they are hooked on coke it’s basically no going back. They will lie that they won’t do it again, but they will. The lies will drive you insane. You’ll become ill, they become monsters!

Social services got involved with me twice, one because I made my children’s school aware straight away. I didn’t want it affecting my kids so I made sure they were doing well at school. This automatically alerted social services, I have nothing to hide as I never willingly allowed it. As soon as I suspected he was under the influence, I’d throw him out!

The only problem with this, was that I’ve repeatedly taken him back in hope that he’d change. They did say this was unhealthy for children to have their dad coming and going.

Basically after a 7 month abstinence he did a runner Thursday night. He hasn’t come home since. With very little word from him, only that he now doesn’t know if he wants to be with me.

See there are few problems at first, but once they know they can’t get away with it they start becoming reckless and disappearing.

I’ve become ill over it. Save yourself now and act before it gets worse, thrust me it progresses and takes you down with it!

[b8988]

You can prepare for it all you like but when it happens it knocks the wind out of your sail.

I feel depressed, anxious and generally deflated, but I still have to go to work tomorrow and I still need to look after 5 kids. It drives you mad how selfish they are!

Leaving the kids in my opinion is inexcusable, we can try and be as empathetic as we like about it being an illness but there has to be consequences to their actions otherwise he will just get worse!

I have never gone two days without him ever contacting me before, in the past it was always something, whether it be to ask if the kids were ok, to say sorry or to dish out abuse. This time nothing!

I don’t know why I’m so bothered when he’s clearly not thinking of anyone but himself.

If I do manage to build myself up after this I don’t ever see a way back for us. That’s a whole new emotion to deal with (acceptance).

[b8988]

That’s ok, it took me ages to work out how to aim the comment at specific people. I usually read all replies anyway.

I know what you mean, I have 5 children, my baby melts my heart but at the same time it’s bittersweet as I’m so sad at what she’s been born into. My husband was clean and an amazing father when all my previous children were born. He randomly turned to cocaine in his 30s and for some reason become hooked fast!

He’s has a 7 month period of abstinence where he went back to being the perfect dad, especially to our baby.

She adored him and he dotted on her, that’s why it makes me feel sick to the stomach how he can switch back to being so cold and heartless! I really think I’ve wasted too many years now feeling so awful and ultimately ending up with the same result so this time I’m planning on keeping him away.

It’s so hard, well not at the minute because he’s the one not answering me! but when he tries to reach out, I need to remember the heartache he keeps putting me through.

Xx

[b8988]

I’m going through similar with my husband. It’s so awful addiction, there’s so much we don’t know and the only resolve (if there is one) is to leave them to it. This is the hardest bit but in order to save ourself and those around us, I think we have to!

Hugs. Xx I know it’s heartbreaking

[b8988]

Yes it’s like treading on eggshells.

We all become codependent, it’s a gradual thing, that just totally consumes us so we no longer act sanely. We become unwell ourselves. Friends and families will see things rationally but we won’t listen to any advice, especially if that means leaving the addict.

I suppose we are a bit like them. We are addicted to their drug use, as they are addicted to their drug. We are both acting insane. It’s not healthy for anyone.

They say the addict will only change when THEY want to. This is also true of us! We will only leave or start to put ourselves first, when we realise we’ve exhausted all our options, our lives have become unmanageable and we are awfully unhappy.

Sometimes I still slip into over analysing some of my husbands behaviour whilst in active addiction, but then I realise you can’t rationalise any of their behaviour, as it’s all insane!

I just continue to build myself up more and more each day so that if it ever goes wrong I will be much better prepared to deal with it. I know for sure I will never allow myself to become so ill focusing on someone else life choices that I make myself ill!

[b8988]

Hi chellou

I just want to tell you, when my husband came to live back with me last year, I lay some ground rules down. No contact with anyone to do with drugs. I snooped on his phone and it was his dealer, who, like your hubby happened to be a friend of his, he’d hidden him under a different name, but putting 2 and 2 together I worked out who it was as in conversation he’d called this lad by his nickname. When confronted he said that he still owed him money so didn’t want him to get funny so was just keeping friendly until he could pay him off. I was mad but tried to understand.

At that time my husband wasn’t using coke, but I had a feeling he was still abusing codeine. I’d keep finding evidence of wrappers, although he’d deny.

His empathy never returned and although I thought he was back to pre drug days, he still told lies over silly, little things. Well he massively relapsed shortly after.

This time he’s been clean, he really is clean.

Now I can see the difference in the two. He’s lovely, empathetic, and remorseful over everything he’s every done. He’s now willing to talk about anything to do with his drug past, where as before he’d close up!

This time his phone is left lying round, I can pick it up and check it whenever I want, his ringtone is no longer on silent. Basically you just know! I have no niggling feeling about anything as he’s now completely honest, he doesn’t even tell little lies, or if he does, he tries to rectify them straight away.

All I’m saying is, it’s a journey, he might get clean and there be no issues, but I feel that when they want to get clean for themselves, they make choices to stay away from people they know that will cause temptation etc. They take it upon themselves to do right.

Good luck with everything though, positive vibes being sent! Xx

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Hi Adam thanks for your insight.

The only thing I don’t think I would be able to do is not confront him if I believed he was using again! As I know it’s wrong! I totally get where you’re coming from, my husband has admitted the same, he said when you’re in that cycle, you see us (the wives) as nags, that’s why you turn your phone off etc, because he said he knows it will be some kind of lecture or wanting him to do the right thing.

I don’t really want him to have any lapses this time if I’m honest, but I do have to be real! Al anon teaches us not to spend quiet, peaceful days worrying about relapses as they steal today’s joy! But just to have faith that “if or when” they happen, we can deal with them, as we have before, or hopefully in a more calm way.

The thing that worries me is that when my husband has relapsed in the past he’s hit it again hard, it’s like all the months of sobriety have been forgotten and he’s gone immediately back into an addicts mindset. He goes back to using daily, even if he can’t afford to. It’s then he becomes reckless. It’s so scary to see. It’s not him at all!

He’s never been at the stage where he’s taken it to feel normal, he said his brains always kidded him into thinking that the first 2 lines will be amazing! so he still chases that. He said the more you use and the longer you use for, you don’t really get that much pleasure. Although his brain still fools him into thinking it will be different next time.

The last time was different, he was just in complete self destruct mode, it’s like his brain thought he’d lost everything anyway, so he may as well continue. I mean to start sleeping rough in our garage, in minus degree weather, rather than living inside and not using drugs, for me signified that the drug had become more important to him than anything else.

[b8988]

Read my post, think it’s the first one. My husband and cocaine. It’s awful!

There is nothing you can do. Their brain has now been altered, my story very similar to yours, but worse in ways.

Go to al anon, this is the first step! Seek help for yourself. By building yourself back up will help you to see how crazy your life has become and unmanageable. It will restore you to sanity which will then empower you to deal with it better.

This then usually improves the situation with the addict. But your main concern needs to be to focus on you. X

[b8988]

My husband would swear on our kids lives that he hadn’t taken coke and he had. He’d never do that straight. The coke makes them horrible! Maybe they rationalise the lying to them self, somehow, or it might be the fact, that they only care about themselves, so they will come first! Again it’s all down to how the drugs have altered the brain! Like you, I used to still take it personally! We react on things we see with our eyes, not what we know to be true, if that makes sense?

Well the first time I officially caught my husband using, last year, I’d just found out I was pregnant for the 5th time, all my children are young, so I definitely didn’t want that crap in my house! His behaviour had become unbearable. So I made him leave, that’s when he went on self destruct, that’s when he started adding women on fb, he told everyone he hated me, didn’t want to be with me and was doing everything he could to maintain his addiction.

He even said now that at the time he thought it would be great to be single and get a flat, so he could take all the drugs he wanted, without having to hide. Anyway his plan backfired as he lost his job due to being drug tested. He had to go and live with his dad 2 hours away in rural wales.

Well my first mistake was taking the kids to visit him nearly every weekend, at first he promised to change saying you couldn’t get coke out there and he was lovely for the first few weeks, then his mood become awful again. He didn’t want us to visit, when we did he was being secretive on his phone, but still he denied taking anything! Final straw come was when he stole his dads expensive sports car and crashed it whilst intoxicated. So his dad made him leave.

He then came home and was clean for 6 months, in time for me to have the baby, but relapsed hard at Christmas. He became awful instantly, it’s amazing how quickly their mindset changes. He spent all our mortgage money on coke, he was sleeping rough in our garage, it was horrendous! So I sent him away to live with his mum 3 hours away.

He didn’t know anyone there, so it was the perfect opportunity to change, plus there was loads of drug support centres. It become apparent, he only went for me and was still using drugs, he even starting taking ecstasy ???

After that I thought “ no matter what I do, he uses, no matter where he lives, he uses”. He was taking anything just to feel not normal.

That’s when I made the decision not to be with him anymore. I ended it. This time I didn’t message him, or reply to his messages about the kids. He even tried to send hurtful ones in hope that I’d bite, but I could see he was seeking attention. I wasn’t prepared to give it him. So he made the decision for himself to change. He said I scared him that much he couldn’t eat, sleep and he cried for days. He said not being with us was worse than the high of the drug.

So far, so good. The change in him this time compared to his last 6 month clean, is massive. This time he isn’t using anything! I think that’s key, last time he was still taking codeine, he had an addiction to prescription drugs too, so I thought stopping coke would stop the craziness and it did, but whilst he was still taking codeine, his personality didn’t return to normal, he still had no empathy etc. Now he’s back to pre drug days. Which is lovely.

Even if I didn’t stay with him, I’d have always wanted him to get clean for our kids, but I realised that had to come from him and no one else. So until they reach that decision there really isn’t anything you can do. Xx

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