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Yes of course, I understand totally. I’m going through the same with my husband, he can be such a amazing man but cocaine has literally turned him into someone who’s unrecognisable at times. He’s lost his job (which was a good one) lost most of his friends, the majority of his family and mine, have no time for him anymore. He also has a criminal record now for drink/drug driving along with taking the car without permission. Just when you think he can’t get any worse, he does. The amount of times I’ve thought “ this has to be his rock bottom!” But sadly no it’s not! I’ve joked many of times that I think one day he will just think “oh I’m bored of it now” then snap out of it. Who knows when it will end? It will be interesting to know, nothing can last forever!
Maybe try backing off him entirely, I know that at al anon they said last week that if you change your game plan and focus on yourself, don’t keep on about drugs or guilt tripping etc, that sometimes the addict is drawn by the change of behaviour so is then forced to look at themselves, although as I said with him having a girl friend who’s not much use, probably isn’t helping him!
DNanon- unfortunately if he loses everything that’s up to him! Have you done any research about drug addiction and the importance of not enabling? If he gets bailed out he won’t ever be inclinded to change. They need to get to a stage where carrying on using is worse than stopping, only problem is that can take years!
I’m sure your son is aware that he has a problem but at the same time that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s ready to do anything about it yet. Unfortunately if his girlfriend is a enabler he isn’t going to be changing anytime soon, as he has no need to!
The things that most people hold dear like families, pride etc all go out of the window when people are in active addiction, as unfortunately the drug will come before everything and everyone. That’s not him being a horrible person it’s just the way his brain has been reprogrammed to prioritise the drug over anything else, check out the experiment with lab rats and cocaine!
I’d maybe think about attending a support group for yourself like al anon etc. That helps you to focus on your own well being and not so much on your son. The sad fact of the matter is the addicts are usually the ones completely oblivious to the chaos and destruction around them and we who love them are the ones continuously getting hurt and let down. X
Ahh bluebell that is sad. Maybe when it’s all final you’ll begin to feel better. I would suggest he is still using, as when my husband had 6 months clean his personality almost went back to normal, so if your husbands hasn’t it would suggest he is.
Basically I’ve started to look at it like this, why would I want to be in a relationship where I’m not number 1 priority? It’s a not normal relationship being married to a drug addict, I was thinking before, most people leave normal people for things like lying, being abusive, cheating, being manipulative, being lazy, moody etc. We have to put up with nearly all of those things when you’re with an addict, but are supposed to accept it because it’s an illness. It’s bloody exhausting and debilitating.
Try not to worry danman83- the 12 step program teaches you not to worry about the future and just take each day as it comes, each clean day is progress. Admit you are powerless over your addiction. Maybe try a group meeting like Narcotics anonymous for extra support on staying clean. Quitting is the easy bit, it’s staying stopped. Oh and have a relapse provention plan, my hubby would say “ I’m not gonna use again, or I don’t want to think about using” Then when it happened he’d hit it hard again and we’re back to square one.
I’m going through this with my husband, I’ve finally split with him, as he’s just not getting better. He’s had more chances than anyone I know and regardless of where he goes or how much trouble he’s got into because of coke, he downplays everything and carries on regardless. So much more I could say, but I’d be here all day lol.
I was forced to tell my children the truth, last year when I threw him out as he was using in our house, they’d gone from having a fab, consistent dad in their life to him not being here and acting recklessly. I told them the truth that he was unwell as he takes drugs and mum can’t allow dad to do that. My kids were 16,12,10 and 7 at the time and I was pregnant. My 7 year old son took it hard, he loved his dad to bits. But unfortunately they get used to being let down and although his behaviour affects me still greatly the kids are almost immune to it. They think he’s an idiot most of the time.
The only good thing to come out of this is hopefully it’s put my kids off ever touching drugs as they’ve seen the devastation they cause.
I suggest if you want to try to begin to rebuild your life so that it stops hurting your kids you seek help ASAP, keep turning up to groups, don’t use excuses to not go. That’s what my husband did and that’s why I’ve left him. I don’t mind that he has a drug problem I mind that he doesn’t seem committed to want to ever do anything about it.
I wish you luck.
I’ve tried being really understanding but he always looks horrified when I suggest if he has to use that he should tell me instead of just disappearing, then at least it wouldn’t be so mad about the lies and not knowing where he is and what times he will be back! He said he’d never do that as then it normalises it and it’s not normal, maybe he likes the thrill of doing it behind my back?
His lies have become normal now, it’s like he doesn’t even know the lies from reality anymore, like not even just about drugs, he will lie about anything which makes it impossible to know how he’s really feeling or if he’s ever telling the truth. You’re right the drug has literally changed him so much that he’s almost unrecognisable anymore. I never know what he’s planning next and he never sees anything he’s done as being as bad as everyone else sees it, he will admit things he’s done are wrong but downplays everything.
He took £40 of our sons Christmas money to get drugs with, then told my 8 year old he hadn’t stolen it, he’d only borrowed it and I was gonna give it him back. When I went mad he said I always exaggerate! Anyone normal would say it’s stealing if you hadn’t asked to lend it and how could he assume I’d be giving it my son back without even asking me? Little things like this were becoming everyday occurrences. It’s like all common sense has gone along with all his morals.
Thanks danman83 – I’ve told him start acting like a 36 year old married father of 5 and not a teenage boy! Yes you’ve got this problem but you can do something about it if you want.
Plus he was worried incase I move on and said if I kiss or sleep with anyone else he will never have me back! That’s just manipulation, I told him if I do meet someone else I’d probably be happy and doubt I’d want him back anyway! I told him if he was that worried about me moving on he’d have done more about getting clean.
I also said “ enjoy your single, party lifestyle, just don’t think when the drugs stop working and you realise it’s not all it was cracked up to be, that I’ll have you back!”
Balls in his court now. I’ll just watch and wait!
Hi and welcome, my husband is a cocaine addict and doesn’t really open up to how he feels and why he uses despite all the negative consequences. Thank you for saying it like it is, as sometimes I think my husband is taking the mick looking disgusted after he’s been on it all night the next day. I think “ is he trying to blag me that he feels bad” as if he did he wouldn’t keep doing it surely? My husband must get bad urges now to use as he can no longer hide it like he used to. For example he will be doing something normal like taking the recycling out then disappear and not come back til early hours of the morning, full of regret and Shame. Obviously I can’t cope with this extreme behaviour. So I’ve ended it after 5 years of him being addicted. His recklessness has got worse and worse. Is this normal as the addiction progresses?
You’re doing so well. I showed my husband them you tube videos you suggested and he didn’t even look at them, that’s when I suspected that he’s not really into changing yet, apparently when you’re wanting to really change you go above and beyond to make it happen. He did for the first week then it dwindled out. Oh well!
Hi bluebell- yes he messaged today asking why I’d blocked him on Instagram, I told him that I hadn’t but had deleted my account for a bit. He then text saying he loved me and the kids more than anything but he can’t go on like this anymore. I just replied “ well only you can change your life”’ I went out with colleagues and had afternoon tea, I didn’t give him much thought, as it could be manipulation, hopefully he’s not being serious. Then he asked if he could speak to the kids, I said of course. Funny though he hasn’t asked to speak to them for the first two weeks he was there, now as soon as I end our relationship he wants to speak to them.
He did phone and started crying his eyes out on the phone. I do feel sorry for him, but this time something is different in me, I’m too angry at him to want to do anything about it. Plus I do believe that me bailing him out is prolonging him being ill!
I’d try and leave your husband to it bluebell- just blank him, don’t ask him for anything, if you suspect he’s using, stop him from seeing his kids, see how much he is willing to fight to see them. See since I went to al anon I’ve realised how a lot of our behaviour is keeping them from ever getting better. Apparently they need to be so miserable on the drugs that they need to choose a better lives for themselves, even little things like you asking for his help is giving him reason to not seek change. Try al anon, I’ve only been once so far but a lot of it makes sense xx
Hi Georgia, well he was bothered last night all he kept on about was if I meet someone else and kiss or sleep with them he will never have me back. You have got to laugh haven’t you? I said “ if that’s your biggest worry, you should do more about tackling your problems rather than acting like a teenage boy” I said if I do meet someone else I’d doubt I’d ever want you back anyway as I’d be happy.
Today I’ve woke up and I don’t feel all that bothered really. I hope the feeling stays like that. I feel like being super counterproductive and sorting out my life. Onwards and upwards hey? Xx
Hi danman83
I’ve ended it with my husband yesterday as he moved 3 hours away from us 2 weeks ago to try and get clean as no temptation down there and Friday night it was apparent that he was off his face. He denied he’d had anything even swearing on our kids lives, I made him send me a photo of his pupils they were massive and he stayed awake all night watching music videos, when he was supposed to be at work at 8am.
Didn’t go into work, then he confessed he’d had 2 pills. Omg I went mad! Why would someone who was down there sorting their life out take pills? He’s obviously sourced them from somewhere as no matter where he goes drugs always seem to find him. Maybe it was coke and he thought that was bad to admit that and lied about it being pills. That’s the trouble you’ll never know!
Why would he do this? I was furious, as what would he have done, stayed down there using secretly then fooled us into having him back and it starting all over again? I’m so sad that he’s choosing not to sort it out.
He hasn’t bothered texting or nothing, he didn’t overly seemed bothered. Not even when I said he won’t be able to see his kids. 🙁