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He hasn’t bothered really about the children in the two weeks he was away apart from asking me each morning if they are ok, no asking to talk to them or anything so on reflection now that was weird in itself.

He’s got a weird obsession about me moving on with anyone else, but not obviously that much that it makes him driven to do anything about it.

I know if I stay with him this will keep happening, the fear of him getting worse or meeting someone else and stopping drugs used to scare me into staying. But in reality I know that if the old him did come back, he’d want to be with me and his kids more than anything. This new imposter doesn’t. I can’t wait round for one fine day that something clicks in his brain to change. I don’t know if he doesn’t want to or genuinely can’t!

I went to a support meeting the other night and I’m worried in case I’m his safety blanket, by me always being there for him, I’m never giving him any reason to want to change.

It’s hard, but I feel ok-ish, I’m expecting bad days but I must keep reminding myself that I’m never going to have a happy life if it stays the way it is at the minute.

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I outed my husband too publicly on fb. That was after I found out he’d began messaging other women last year whilst I threw him out. In his head he said “ stuff her, I’m a good looking bloke I can get with anyone I want” type of thing! He seen everything as being my fault! He went round telling everyone I was abusive and I’d hit him with a cup bevause he had a fb account, which were all lies!! I threw him out because he was caught using coke in our house with my kids in it! This is so unlike my husband, I guess it gives them false confidence and generally makes them assholes!!!

You’re right though, it’s so annoying as like you I do the same, I separate his bad behaviour from the drugs, when I know the only reason he’s doing all these awful things is because he’s a drug addict! If there was no drugs there would be no problems.

I feel I have every right to be mad with my husband and not want a life withdrugs, but I feel that I can’t say anything to him as I’m worried incase I make him worse and he chooses drugs over us! I just want him to come to his senses!

I’ve secretly wished that I’d just fall out of love with him. If I was given a magic wand it would be to stop loving him so that I could be free from all of this. I always feel sorry for myself too like “how can this be happening to my perfect family?” I look at normal families and normal men and wish he could be like one of them.

One day everything will work out one way or another won’t it? It’s the most awful disease though.

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Please don’t take the nasty things he says to you to heart. My husband told me in Feb last year that because I always said “ if you love me you wouldn’t keep using drugs” he now thought “maybe I don’t love her” which is so stupid when he showers me with love usually. Plus the week before that I threatened to leave him and take the kids and he fell to his knees crying hysterically begging me not to go. It wasn’t for the kids, as I said he could see them as much as he liked. Plus I know it’s an awful thing but my husband I believe has always favoured me over our children. That’s what I mean, my husband doted on me and everyone else agrees too. On reflection now, he says deep down you know you love people but you push them away because it’s easier, no more arguments, no more being thrown out. Then you kid yourself that single life will be the best life, you can take all your drugs and won’t have to hide them and do as you please. But my husband said when you come down you know you still love that person and feel bad about what you’ve done, so you mask it with more drugs and so the circle continues.

Have you ever thought about saying to your husband you still want to be with him as you love him and you believe deep down he loves you, remind him of good times. Tell him that you’ll be there for him when he chooses to live another life, and if he wants help in trying to stop you’ll be there to help him. Tell him that everything he’s done in the past is irrelevant and you forgive his actions because you know they were due to drugs?

By suggesting this I certainly don’t mean excusing things he’s done and those things will never be forgotten, but it may help you to know that at least you’ve reached out. If he declines at least you know you made the effort. One day you never know he might choose the right path. Xx

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As it was my first meeting it just seemed a bit overwhelming and a lot to take in. All of the other members said it helps massively but it’s certainly not a quick fix, it takes time to learn the steps and begin to practice them. They said that eventually you can learn to detach and realise that you can’t control anyone else’s actions only your own and nor should you want to….. that’s the bit I struggle with, lol I want to control him into coming to his senses. But I guess it will be a working progress and I do need help from somewhere, I’m desperate! I burst out crying in there tonight, mainly because it was a massive release! But I felt like a idiot! All the other women seemed to have it so all together. I hope I will eventually be like that.

I kept thinking if I wasn’t with my husband anymore non of these problems would be in my life, I wouldn’t need to be attending 12 step meetings to fix myself. But I think the damage is already done and the emotional termoil we’ve been through I think we need all the help we can get xx

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Oh I’m sorry to hear that you’ve gone through all this crap too! My husband never touched anything for 11 years, he was perfect. He stupidly tried coke once when drunk in his 30’s, loved it then got hooked.

I don’t really know what else to say, except whilst they are deep in their addiction it doesn’t matter what you say or do or could have said or done – none of that matters at it won’t fix him! A fellow addict on here was helpful explaining that coke makes you horrible, it turns your heart to stone, you care less and less the more of the drug you use. I’m not sure if you and your husband have had arguments about his behaviour or drug use? Me and my husband did on lots of occasions, our relationship turned toxic, that was his reason for trying to move on with other women. In their head all their behaviour is justified because of what WE have done to them. They are delusional and it’s important to remember that whilst they are in that delusion, they will always make excuses for their behaviour. It deflects blame away from them so that they don’t have to tackle their addiction, whether that is through choice or not.

I attended a al,anon group tonight. I don’t understand how the 12 steps will help me, but I’m willing to try anything to build myself up so that my husbands actions stop impacting me.

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I don’t know bluebell, I think the same as you. I question if it is all the drugs when he acts awfully or like you say is that a personality trait that’s there anyway and the drugs just emphasise it?

My husband tried to meet other women when I threw him out in Feb he messaged loads of random women on fb and even met up with one of them for coffee. Nothing happened mainly on her behalf as he was off his face when he met her and she knew. That knocked me for six as my husband is the most loyal man and has never been one for women really. That stemmed from me threatening to be single etc and we hadn’t been getting on for months. When he came down off the drugs he said at the time he didn’t think he wanted to be with me anymore as I was abusive (because I didn’t want drugs in my house with my kids) I threw him out. He spent the week hating me. I believe if that women liked him he could have easily gone off with her and turned his back on me and his kids. He has admitted now that he could of but it would have only been all fuelled with drugs and it wouldn’t have lasted because when he comes down he knows he loves me and the kids so much, he just can’t stop the drugs though, so he knew with me he can’t have his drugs too and at the time drugs were number 1.

He did the same at Christmas, I think he’s started putting feelers out to move on because he knows the drugs are taking over again. I don’t think he’d cheat, but because I throw him out so much and threaten divorce every time he uses he knows the marriage is doomed! I can honestly say that if he ever reuses again I think he could leave me! He will end up trying to get with someone who doesn’t realise he’s an actual addict and probably thinks it’s recreational, which terrifies me. As I love him to death. But I think we should remind ourselves that it’s not them, it’s what the drug has done, I know my real husband loves me to pieces, he would never do these awful things he keeps doing. But that doesn’t mean I can put up with his use anyway.

Even if he does move on, the new gf will be in the same position I’ve been in with him and unless she’s a user herself she won’t put up with it. No money, being accused of having affairs, being lazy and generally moody and distant etc.

I think what terrifies us more is in case they move on with someone new and quit drugs and the new women get our old men back, the ones who were amazing! But in reality if they aren’t willing to change for their wives and the mothers of their kids they ain’t gonna change for some other random woman are they?

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My husband hid his cocaine addiction from me for 5 years. His life has dramatically changed, he’s lost everything from that crap! His job, his self respect, his morals he’s up to his eyes in debt and now has a criminal record for taking someone’s car and driving it intoxicated to fetch more coke! He still has me and the kids for now, although I’ve sent him to live 3 hours away with his mum. I’m still working at getting him clean but if he decides he doesn’t want to I’ll have no choice but to end things completely. Only time will tell.

I was strict in the beginning and I used to throw him out, threaten to leave and it just made his behaviour worse. Now if I’m nice he seems more willing to look at getting clean. However in the past when his use was more frequent like 4 days a week he was vile! It wouldn’t have mattered if I was nice or horrible, so what I’m trying to say is that there is nothing you can do I’m sorry to say. I wouldn’t be enabling him with money or letting him stay at yours if he gets to that point, however I realise that he’s your son and it’s much tougher when it’s your kids. Or maybe make sure he’s safe but that’s it! Apparently they have to think that the drugs are causing more harm using than not. Unfortunately I think it takes a lot for them to get to that point!

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Our lives are quite similar, I didn’t know either, my husband kept it secret for 5 years on and off. He got hooked on prescription drugs in the middle too for s back problem so I thought his behaviour was down to that and I thought he had bi polar or something.

It’s so hard to let go! I give good advise but I rarely listen to my own. As you say it’s hard when someone was so perfect for many years then they act totally abnoxious and not themselves. You are just wishing that you could shake sense into them. If only! I think we live in fantasy land too, as we wish everything could go back to pre drug days but it will never be like that now, even if they do get clean, things they’ve done or said can maybe be forgiven but never forgot! I keep thinking how many times do I allow this to keep happening before I decide I can’t take anymore? I think not only is he wasting his life but I’m allowing him to waste mine. We don’t know how many years we have left on this earth and do we want to spend our days waiting for someone to sort their sh*t out? I don’t know! X

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Ohh thanks I might give it a go. There’s a meeting on tomorrow night, so I’ll go to that. See how I get on.

Yes I’ll have a look at the ferne book too. I deffo spend far too much time thinking of all the awful things my husband has ever done, or looking at getting him the best help etc. That I’ve lost my identity. Since he’s moved away I find my thoughts being so negative and I’m scared of the future. I need to detach if I’m honest.,

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The worst bit is when you’re distraught and they are emotionless. Pre drugs my husband would shed a tear if I was ever upset and now he just looks almost through me.

I used to be the hardest person I know, even death didn’t effect me that much. Now I cry over a lot! If I try to say out loud some of the things I’ve been through I will cry and my husband will tell me to pull myself together or to get a grip! It doesn’t make a difference that you know the drugs are causing it, for some reason your brain still tells you they don’t care or must not love you.

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I might attend al anon – as that’s the only group in my area no drug ones. One bloke told me they are all based on the same idea whether it be drugs or alcohol, is that true? Do you think it would help? X

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Bluebell- Oh hun it’s awful it really is. He must still be deep in the cycle because the way I look at it, my normal husband would want to be with me and the kids more than anything, I think they know when it’s becoming “me or the drugs” that’s when they make attempts at moving on by themselves. As the drugs will always come first.

My husband around Christmas time when he had his relapse suggested moving into a flat to sort himself out, but I told him that was ok but if that was to happen he would be going there being single, he was horrified and said I was suggesting that because I want to be single and want to start seeing other men. The reason I don’t want him in a flat is because he will have the best of both worlds, keeping me hanging on by not allowing me to ever meet anyone else, whilst him having a flat in which he can take all the drugs he likes in. Plus he will get to see his kids through the week and on weekends and do all the fun stuff with them without all the daily stuff.

I too get dubious about my husbands actions, I never know if he is being nice because he wants to try hard and sort himself out, or because he thinks “oh she’ll have me back” then carry on the same as before. Because they lie so much you just never know.

I think if we divided up the money we have in the house, he got his own flat for a while, I could see what his intentions are, but then I think drugs aren’t a choice. So the pull of the drug may make him spend all the money on more drugs and stay away from me, but if he wasn’t on drugs he wouldn’t want to live away from me and the kids, so it’s a tough one.

If I was you I’d move on, in your head you can tell yourself “if one day he gets clean, fully clean then there is a chance you could both be together” but you’d be able to tell if had stopped using, as he’d eventually go back to being your lovely husband and make effort etc. If he doesn’t then you haven’t lost anything have you.

As in dating other men, I know you probably don’t want to, I know I’m the same, when you love someone else it’s hard. But maybe stick with it for a bit, loads of relationships start off where you’re not feeling it, then maybe something might click. If your husband has been with other women since you’ve split, don’t let him manipulate you into not sleeping with anyone else. If he had sorted his crap out that wouldn’t happen would it?

I couldn’t be friends with my husband if we split because I love him too much, I’d have to cut all contact. Being friends with someone you love and watching them self destruct and have relationships with other women would kill me. However I find I’m more pro active if I’m angry with him, so keep reminding yourself of what he’s done to you, and that your worth more than the way he’s treated you. Understand that all of it is down to drugs but it’s still no way to live or be treated.

I wish you all the best.

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Bluebell- my husband does this too, before drugs he was devoted to me, he was my best friend. He used to shower me with love.

When we fight and he’s vile, he still stalks me, like searches for me and tells me if I ever go with anyone else he’ll never get back with me even after he’s got clean. It’s all manipulation.

He’s put feelers out to try and move on himself though. But his is justified because in his head drugs have corrupted his brain and makes him think everything is my fault and he doesn’t know if he loves me at times as he doesn’t even love himself. But he knows he loves me really! Haha what a messed up situation. I agree it’s like their minds have been hijacked. Nothing makes sense and we are on this rollercoaster every step of the way!

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Hox- I’ve never seen my husband do it as such, he locks the bathroom door. And never admits he’s doing it. But it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know what he’s up to though.

Last year he dropped loads over my bedroom carpet, I didn’t discover it until he’d gone back to stay at his dads. Big lumps, I wasn’t sure what it was at first, but I smelt it and it was horrible like a paint sort of smell. He later admitted it, so now if he’s used I can smell it on him. Weird! But I’ve got a good nose! Lol

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Danman83- I did watch a bit of one of those videos but not properly, I googled it after you put it on here the other day.

You seem really pro active looking at ways to stop etc. Maybe that’s because you’ve hit you rock bottom? I always wonder what my husbands will be. No matter all the negative things that have happened to him nothing seems to work. Well I won’t know unless he gets fully clean, Then I can look back and pinpoint it. If we ever get to that point. I keep thinking “ no one can take coke forever, can they? One day something will give” imagine drawing your pension and still sniffing! 😉 lol

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