[bellapop]

Hello,

You’ve made the first biggest step by recognising that you have a problem; I really applaud you for this knowledge. It is a horrendous drug that ruins lives and strips people from being unrecognisable. My husband was perfect, we had the most wonderful life… then the occasional use spiralled into a nasty addiction, and now he is back at his mums, jobless and pushing me out of his life.

If I can advise you of anything, it’s be truthful; the lies are the things that ruin the relationships around you. Be honest, be vulnerable and access help. Your GP can signpost you or you can attend CA meetings. There is also lots of really informative advice on YouTube, a favourite of my husband’s was Menace to Sobriety. Very insightful.

Please don’t do what my husband has done and completely lose control; get a hold of it now. Make changes and rely on the people who love you. It’s not too late!!

XX

[bellapop]

Hello lovely,

Thank you for responding and for being able to decode my crackers message. It is just vile, I am exactly where you are right now.. only my husband has called quits on us. He’s decided he’s better off alone, so has spent all day changing all the bills etc into my name. I rang him up, absolutely crushed to his response of ‘oh not this again, can you not’ I’m so done with feeling like a weirdo.. a stalker and a crazy person just as you have said. It’s exhausting and to be quite honest, deep down I know I am better off alone.. but it’s the idea of throwing away my marriage. It sucks! But he’s clearly not willing to make it work… so I finally think it’s time I focussed on me. Sorry for making this all about me lol, it’s just been one of my lowest days today. I broke down at work to my boss, shes agreed to reduce my timetable because I’m such a wreck right now.

Back to you, honestly everything you’ve said has been literally me my whole marriage. The codependency, the waiting, the detective role, the ‘i’m crazy” role… its not fair! How are things now? Has there been any updates? I desperately want to read you responding that he’s come to his senses, come home and realised what he has.. but I know this game so well. I’ve been playing it for 10 years and I want you to know that you are absolutely not alone.

I really hope you’re okay and I’ll look forward to your response xxx

[bellapop]

I’m so sorry, it won’t let me repost my message for some reason so it may take a lot of decoding to read it. (we’re trained detectives so we’re good at decoding lol)

 

xx

[bellapop]

omg i have no idea why its come up like that argh!! I’m so sorry ill try post it again

[bellapop]

<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Hello, worried,</span></p>
<b id=”docs-internal-guid-4fbee211-7fff-d40a-c085-8407a683701c” style=”font-weight: normal;”> </b>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> I could have written this whole thing myself; I’m pretty sure if you look back through my posts, you will see so many similar entries from me.  Unfortunately, I have been in your position far too many times to count, so hopefully, I can advise you from my perspective. </span></p>
<b style=”font-weight: normal;”> </b>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> First, I want to praise you for acting cool and calm when so many of us haven’t been able to.  Never apologise for your reaction;  you are reacting due to what he has put you through and supporting him through a tough time. It may seem like he doesn’t want the support, which may be the case for now. My husband has struggled with addiction his whole life, he has gone from being an innovative, funny, hard-working manager and the most romantic man who used to whisk me away to the Lake District… To a non-function addict who is on long-term sick at work and living back at his parents. This drug destroys people, it destroys their families and until he is ready to realise…  There is not that much that you can do other the what you are doing now.</span></p>
<b style=”font-weight: normal;”> </b>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>So let’s talk about the space that he’s asked for. My husband regularly needs space and although I can’t explain the needs of why your husband needs space now,  I can probably take a guess that he is either in absolute denial or in absolute shame right now I can’t bring himself to talk about any of it right now. It got to a point with my husband where I repulsed him for simply having feelings about his behaviour. He couldn’t deal with the guilt and the shame of what he was doing to me and our children so he ran away (and continues to run away.)  I can’t tell or advise you exactly what to do in terms of how and when you should reach out, but please be rest assured, that he knows that you love him. He may just be very much in a place of not being able to deal with the real world right now. </span></p>
<b style=”font-weight: normal;”> </b>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>People talk about rock bottom, about how an addict has to reach rock bottom in order to bounce back, and I truly believe that to be the case. For five years, my husband has been abusing his status in my life in our home, promising the world whilst secretly sinking further into his addiction and spiralling out of control. I have since come to learn that I have been massively enabling his addiction, by being here and providing him a warm comfy home with cuddles and a warm bed each and every time he messes up. This has made him be okay to go that little bit further each time. The last time he did it (2 weeks ago) he left just as he always does, taking all of his belongings and walking out on me and his children with the whole ‘we need space, I’m just hurting you’ speech. And I had had enough, so  I blocked him on everything without warning. He quickly began to realise that he wasn’t able to have his cake and eat it,  and to make a long story short, he hit rock bottom pretty quickly and has managed to be honest with me about his usage, and he has reached out for help. He has a number of appointments coming up, and his brain is clear (from what he tells me.) </span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> but as I’m pretty sure you’re aware, as a partner of an addict, you always doubt yourself and everything that you are told. You doubt your entire existence and play the role of a detective in your whole life, not trusting a single word that anyone says. What’s been told to you is never as straightforward as what’s been told to you basically, and what is true and what’s false is never just what’s true and what’s false, there’s always layers of immeasurable doubt. So I don’t know if he’s doing as well as he’s telling me, but I’m learning (struggling like hell, but learning) to try and have some sort of existence without him for now. I’m not going to sit here and tell you it’s rosy, I’ve had a major meltdown today and came on here to type my own post until I saw myself in your words and it broke me a little to realise it’s genuinely not just me. </span></p>
<b style=”font-weight: normal;”> </b>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Please look after yourself in all of this,  it’s so much easier said than done but there are so many people out there who get it and who are willing to help. You can always confidentially phone Drug Fam, they are open until 9:00 every night, and they are so helpful. There’s been days when I phoned them 3 times a day, just to get through the day, it helps. Especially when you can’t take your eyes away from willing your phone to light up, just to have any sort of contact. You are not alone, I promise. There is also a really good podcast called Menace to Sobriety (dapper laughs)  which has given my husband and I a lot of insight into the mind of an addict. </span></p>
 
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Please stay strong, and please know,  you can do this!! </span></p>
<span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> </span>

[bellapop]

It sounds like enough is enough 🙁 easier said than done though right? I am so sorry to be reading this and that so many of us are in such similar situations… it hurts my heart. My husband is the exact same. Blaming everything and everyone for everything… I have come to learn that he has portrayed me as an absolute nightmare to everyone. I’m truly shocked, I kind of feel like I have been married to a complete stranger for 5 years. It’s very, very sad.

 

I’m sorry I haven’t been able to offer any more guidance or advice to you, just know that you’re not alone. I’ve called in sick too many times, exhausted and broken. It’s finally time to build xx

[bellapop]

I keep thinking of you and just wanted to say that I really hope you are okay xxxx

[bellapop]

Thank you so much for your insight; this makes complete sense from your point of view. It’s just so terrible from mine. I am currently ignoring him completely. He’s blocked on everything, which is how it’s staying. His manipulation has given me PTSD to the point that even hearing from him makes me panic. I have since found out that I have been portrayed to be an absolute nightmare to everyone around him. Apparently, I am controlling, nasty and a gatekeeper to our finances. This could not be further from the truth! He blows every penny of our finances and then borrows from everyone around him, telling them I have blown our money. His spin on everything has always been that everyone else is at fault, my cousin was the drug pusher when in reality I have come to find out it’s ALL him. My cousin doesn’t even use!!

 

I don’t understand how his mind works and I guess I never will but enough is finally enough.

Thank you for such an insightful response x

[bellapop]

I am devastated to read this and my first question is, have you heard anything from him? Are you okay? Is he okay? I have been in the same situation with my husband multiple times, which is horrifying. The last time he did it he walked away from me in such a state, telling me that he was going to the woods to hang himself, and I had no option but to phone the police. They acted very quickly and made me feel so secure in my actions. They immediately dispatched officers to numerous locations and assured me that he wouldn’t be in trouble for his substance usage, but that it was most important to check on his welfare. I was the same as you, out at all hours roaming the streets looking for him until the police returned my call to say that he was fast asleep at his parents and that there would be no further action. The next morning, he was furious, but he was alive. He couldn’t believe I had acted on it but I had actually had enough of him acting this way and making me poorly with worry, whilst he was just asleep. Its torture and safe to say he hasn’t acted on that again.

You cannot keep living like this, blaming yourself and waiting for the next time for him to treat you this way. As James said, I will never advise you to dismiss his words.. however, you cannot live your life this way. He is abusing your kind nature and is isolating you from everyone.

Please give us an update when you are able. We are all here for you and will support you through this.

xx

[bellapop]

Hello Frahar,

I really feel your pain; it is an evil, wicked drug that destroys people. He sounds very troubled by his words and actions and then seeks refuge in your kindness. But you need to try and start to think about yourself and your well-being, as hard as that is to put into practice (trust me, I feel your pain.) There is a fantastic helpline that you can ring for advice, I have been on the phone with them constantly over the past few days, its called DrugFam. They are very helpful and insightful at the depths of supporting an addict.

How are you doing in all of this? Would it be an option for you to cut contact for a while or do you think the fear of not hearing from him will be worse? You need to understand that we can’t help them, as much as we desperately want to and would give anything to do 🙁

I really hope you are okay and I am so sorry you’re going through this. It is absolutely hell!

xx

[bellapop]

I really needed to hear your wise words right now, he’s just walked out and admitted he’s never going to change and told me that he’s leaving me.. properly and is going to change his number ect ect. My brain is absolutely fried! He’s told me it’s not even a big deal and that I am the problem for not accepting it. He is heartless beyond explanation and I am just gutted. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare!!

im really happy that you’re coming out of the other side of this hell, your wise words have really helped me throughout everything and I genuinely wish you all the love and luck in your new venture ???? that’s the only downside to the forum, there’s no way to stay in proper contact with you all. You are all my absolute life line and I’m looking forward to getting to where you are ???? take care, look after yourself and I hope you’re happy ever after is waiting around the corner for you xxxx

[bellapop]

Thank you all for your kind words, I truly don’t think I could do this without you all.

current situation.. he went off on his bender, came back home crying and begging… I gave in. Of course I did, I’m weak to his words!!

things then started to become dodgy again, he started smoking (after giving up for twelve years)  and I have now come to realise he literally always needs to have his little secret.. something for him to scheme about and have behind my back.

I just accepted the smoking (he got a vape) I thought ‘there’s literally worse things he could be doing’ but we came to the caravan on week three… (he can only ever go three weeks without a bender) and the same old shifty behaviour started happening yesterday day.. my intuition sprung into action and I knew even before he did it. I took myself off to the seaside and came back to the kids club to see him sat at the table absolutely off his head. Then the disappearing happens, he went off for a ‘walk’ and when he came back he was just a mess.

We have cocaine tests at home, he begged me to drive three hours home to get one so he can PROVE he hadn’t taken cocaine…. This was at 2am. And right before I got into the car, I ordered an everything test.. just to see what he would say. I told him it would be there tomorrow morning and if I come back and it’s positive for ANYTHING and he’s been lying, we truly are over.

he admitted to having half an e tablet.. I know nothing about drugs but apparently it’s not as ‘bad’ as coke (he tells me) I’m devastated. Devastated at the depths of manipulating he would go to.. he would happily send me home to get a test that HE bought to show that he’s clean… when in reality it’s all just more manic and risky behaviour.

so now I’m laid next to him, in the caravan.. he’s passed out from his bender on our quiet, peaceful holiday. Trapped.

im not sure these happy ever after a do happen

[bellapop]

I honestly could’ve written this myself, I am so so sorry you’re going through this. My husband is exactly the same, the manipulative and scheming side of him is scary.

I genuinely hope you’re okay 🙁

[bellapop]

Thank you so much for your kind words, I am so up and so down since he left. I think I have some form of ptsd from all of what he’s put me through, it’s like climbing a ladder… seeing the top and then being kicked back down to the bottom again.
But I do feel more relaxed without him here, the house is organised and my children are being so much more helpful. My daughter actually said ‘It’s not even any different now that daddy’s left, I never really see him anyway. And there’s no arguing’ it broke me a little to hear.. cause she’s right! She’s 9 and understands it so much better than me already.
I don’t think I can go back this time, too much has happened and I’m at the point of having a mental breakdown.

im so happy to hear about your husband being in a good place 🙂 how are you now? Are you building on yourself? Just need to hear there’s life afterwards!!

im going to a meeting tomorrow for support.. it’s called al anon (I think) scary times!! Xx

 

[bellapop]

Reading this thread has shattered my heart into a million pieces; this is my life! I am absolutely beyond heartbroken this time, and cannot understand why it keeps happening over and over again!

I wish I could make him see, make him realise!!

 

I am devasted that you are going through this too… 🙁

 

xxxx

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