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Hi ladies
I’m sorry you are going through this. And what I am about to say will not make it better but you need to listen to what I am telling you.
These men will not change. They will suck the life out of you, gaslight you and leave your head spinning with guilt and shame. But you are not to blame. They are, every selfish line they snort or smoke is disrespecting your needs on a basic level.
Hear me when I tell you that it is impossible to have a relationship with an addict. The lies the manipulation. It will not end.
If you can’t do it for yourselves do it for your children. It’s five years ago this year my addict ex husband left me! Accusing me of an affair I never had but the drugs will warp their minds.
I went on a journey to hell and back. I took the man back when he begged and 6 months later he punished me for it with further lies drugs and blame.
You pack your bags and leave. My sons suffered untold amounts. Nearly five years later and guess what? He has given up! Even cigarettes!
Well you may say well done him, isn’t this great! But no, he’s a bigger c@nt then when he wax using. Buying a flat up my road despite me divorcing him and trying to use my boys as some pawns in a game.
Do you want to watch your 15 year old son have to throw his dad out of the house for trying to start on you. It will break your heart! The sense of injustice at it all will never leave me. But just in case you think that their giving up will bring the dream back again, I caution you not to be fooled. Cocaine ruins the brain Pernanently! That lovely man you met all those years ago, fell in love with, had fun with, made dreams with us dead. Forever dead. There is no coming back. There is only you moving forward.
I spent 3 years of self blaming tears and despair. It was only when I met a truly good man that I realised his manipulative and abusive my ex husband was.
Please do not think about it any longer. You have a life to live and you deserve to live it. Pack your bags and leave them now. xxxx
I so feel for you, the guilting you out and all the false promises and with a young baby too. Believe it or not but my ex-husband was on it for 8 years and I had no idea! Only when he had a psychotic meltdown and accused me of an affair I never had! For all the abuse I got I bloody wished I had as at least then I would have deserved it. There is a very good author called Melodie Beattie. She writes for people like us who become what is known as co-dependent mainly as a reaction to the crazy behaviour and trying to control the uncontrollable! Look her up and have a read. It’s good to try and understand our emotions and try to focus on ourselves rather than them. I will always love the man that once was who I met 20 years ago. But he is changed forever. Cocaine use, combined with daily weed smoking as I have now found out does irreparable damage. The man who once said I was his soulmate now hates me and has paranoid delusions that I am competing with him. He still goes out of his way to do unkind things to me for no reason. All I can say is I am glad I divorced him and have the majority care of our two boys, they only stay two nights a month. My boys are safe and after two years now quite happy. I bought him out of the family home. The money I gave him paid off his £53,000 debt (this is a man who earned £75,000 pa) but he has no savings, he has nothing. He lives in a two bed flat on his own. Annoyingly two minutes up the road from me. But at the end of the day, at least I have security and so do my boys. If I hadn’t got divorced he probably would have carried on and we would have lost our house. My head kicked in and did what it had to do. My heart, that will be forever broken, that betrayal never goes away, and seeing the person you love become lost through drugs is probably on a par with seeing someone you love disappear through dementia. They are never the same again. I wish all of you still going through this lots of love, hope and strength. You come out the other side a different person, I’m more compassionate and a hell of a lot more laid back. That loss never goes away as it feels such a waste, but you do learn to live with it. Sending lots of love and positive vibes xx
I’m really sorry you are feeling like this. Cocaine is actually the nastiest for actually changing the personality. I was told this by a drug and alcohol specialist. You are so brave for separating, I wish I had, mine ended up leaving me accusing me of an affair I never had. Have you looked to see if there is a local Al anon group near you? There are many local ones probably meeting virtually now. I think the structure and routine of meeting people who have been through it may give you the local support that you need. Friends and family although well meaning will not understand what you are going through. Sending big hugs xx
I’m sorry to hear this. How old are your children? I am divorced from my ex husband 3 years now. He smoked weed and did cocaine. He was my best friend and my soulmate. I really feel your pain and I can only say please don’t feel you are alone, probably everyone on this site has been there. I feel for you as you are still in the midst of it. It can get crazier believe me.
The reason I ask how old your children are is because mine were 10 and 7 when he first left (yes he left me! Apparently I had been cheating on him, drug induced paranoia is quite something!)
When I think about it my boys had been suffering from his mood swings for years but I didn’t know he was an addict and just thought he was depressed. I won’t go into the ins and outs of it but long story short is this. My eldest recovered quicker, he didn’t like his dad’s behaviour and knew about his drugs. He is 13 now and tells me that when his dad left the second time (yes stupidly I took him back) it was the best thing that happened. My youngest however struggled so so much and only now 3 years and lots of love and support, I think he is more or less ok.
I like you was obsessively worrying about my ex. We can’t help it. I wish I had shifted my focus more on my children. When you lose a soulmate it is worse than death because it isn’t just them who has gone it’s the dream. My ex still does drugs, but allegedly less than he did, who knows. If your wife has no insight into her problems (like my ex, I recognise the classic minimising behaviour, I bet you’ve been lied to and manipulated as well let alone all the gaslighting!) then they cannot change. Until they realise they have a problem they simply will not change what they are doing.
The point I am making is that as she is now you are just going to get more of the same and worse. I was supportive loving and I now know enabled by constantly picking up the slack.
In hindsight I wish I had booted my ex out. Do you think about the impact of her behaviour on your children? Are they old enough to talk to? You cannot save her, all you can do is save yourself and your children.
I know how much it hurts, I miss my old ex every day, but the one that is walking around now is like an extra on The Walking Dead, it’s not him anymore. And sadly 8 years of chronic cocaine abuse, he never will be!
Sending you big hugs.
The coke changes them and they become selfish arseholes. The nice version of them disappears forever then they start blaming you for everything. I divorced my ex husband and have twoboys with him. I gave him an ultimatum me and the boys or drugs. He chose drugs. The only advice I can give you is to never do that because then when they walk your self esteem hits rock bottom and no amount of therapy will get you over the abandonment. If I was me three years ago I wish I had the courage to actually boot the arsehole out myself as then at least I would have some self respect. Thinking you can help them or change them is an illusion. If they seriously want to change then they will fight for you and will probably need some serious help from the higher power along the way. I had 8 years of the same shit, it doesn’t get better it gets worse. You will be gaslit to within an inch of your life until you think you are going crazy. Your boundaries are repeatedly crossed to the point that what you start tolerating is so far over the line you can’t even see the line any more. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, I know I wouldn’t have listened either, it just makes me angry that good women like you are treated this way and I don’t want you to end up the same as me x
My ex husband is a functioning addict. My kids know he takes drugs and my eldest son is absolutely anti drugs. It can actually work the other way. Which is good as he once said he wants to be the first person to smoke weed with them ???? That’s if he actually felt so inclined after I have cut his balls off.
I’m sorry to hear this. Please know that we on here know what you are going through. You will not want to hear what I have to say, I certainly didn’t when I first came on here, but the truth is this.
He has told you he didn’t like his ex as she was “controlling”. No, I bet he didn’t. We all get tarnished with that one.
You are now in a panic, you are going to want to fix him. I’m sorry, you can’t. I learned the hard way when after 20 years and two children together my husband had a psychotic meltdown and accused me of having an affair which for all the flack I got I certainly wish I had. I screamed, I begged, I pleaded, I acted kindly and sympathetically, I read up, I did everything to save him. He even begged to come back and I took him (after he left me by the way as I was “doing his nut in”) yeah right…that lasted 5 months. I finally divorced him in June.
The lies still keep coming fast and furious. You almost believe them they are such accomplished manipulators and liars. Even when my 9 year old son found weed in his car and I got a social services referral (no action taken as I am not an addict) he still minimised the extent of his drug taking lifestyle. And the cocaine. Well if you want to truly go to the dark side then that’s certainly the gateway.
I have suffered, my kids have suffered and all the while he swans about snorting and puffing bringing himself up and down like a friggin yo-yo without a care in the world.
I have been through two years of utter hell, suffered chronic depression, financial ruin and the light feels like it has been sucked out of my soul.
Your partner has a hole up his nose. That’s a heavy user. He’s going to lie to you left right and centre to get away with that one. I made the mistake of believing the lies for 8 years. My lovely kind caring gentle husband died years ago. I was in denial.
Confront him and see what he says. I bet he will regret having said that to you.
My advice, and I am sorry that this sounds harsh, is to walk and never look back. I truly wish somebody had said that to me. But I probably wouldn’t have listened. Sometimes the paths we go down are the ones we need for life to teach us the lessons we need to learn.
I am glad that your son is looking well and is making an effort with his daughter, that is positive and good to hear.
How, my heart goes out to you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Having kids has probably helped me as they are my reason for getting out of bed. Cocaine is the most evil drug. It steals away kind loving people and replaces them with utter arseholes. At the moment my ex is popping by ours quite a lot, funnily not spending time with the kids but with me. I think I may have made a royal cock up but at the time it seemed like a good idea.
Because he is such a liar and I was worried about his contact with the kids I told him what he does is his own business and I accept now that he has made his choice but he needs to tell me when he has used so that my kids don’t get the brunt of a massive comedown or worse still, he just falls asleep whilst being with them!
So he said ok. And now tells me while I sit there positively seething! He is now coming round all the time and I thought at first he wastrying to make amends, professing to not wanting to do it any more saying it hadruined his life. What about mine and the kids! So I thought he was serious about it but now I have worked out he is coming to see me on his come downs because he is lonely and feeling sorry for himself! Worse still, I think he wastrying to “convert” me as when I said I could never ever snort anything up my nose i’d feel like I was drowning, he looked at me completely straight faced and said “but you could rub it on your gums instead” He was deadly serious!!! ????????????
I am now angry at him but even angrier at myself! My 9 year old son asked me why we weren’t married as we are always together, and then I felt so bad as I was so busy hoping and wishing my lovely old husband was possibly there I never thought what effect it would have on my lovely boys! Although I have to say, my eldest son has ASD. What I love about him is he says things as they are such as when my husband first left “I don’t know why you are bothered about it mummy, it’s much better without him”. ????????????
Danny, don’t beat yourself up. Remember what Louise Clarke says, it’s not a relapse it’s a hiccup. You are still on track and you still want to change which is a place that none of the rest of our loved ones are xx
I am cross with myself for letting my ex manipulate me again! He said yesterday morning he would help me last night with something, I presumed that evening as it was urgent. Then sent me a few inappropriate messages (making light of drug taking) then just didn’t message me until 4:25 am to tell me he would drive the kids to school. He hadn’t even read my messages.
I am annoyed as I was in a place of moving on and really getting my shit together and then he did the usual manipulation of being nice and telling me he loved me etc etc. I’m such a fool. I need to just say cannot do this any more to him. But then this morning before he got out of his car he was busy texting someone and didn’t even notice me at the door. I wanted to see if he was high/ coming down as he was driving my son to school. Curiously he seemed very normal but complained of being hot which worried me as he kept opening my front door and I kept shutting it as it was cold. I then decided to take my son to school and he got a bit upset and asked me if I was good (meaning ok with him).
Wish I could extract myself and my boys from this awful situation and run away from him. I really wish I didn’t see him. I seriously don’t think he gets it at all!
Hi Cally! Wishing you every happiness in your new home! Did you talk to your friends about how you feel? Seriously, tell them, sometimes people don’t realise we are struggling and it’s only when we tell them that they leap in as otherwise they think we have ourselves together. I hope you got some good hugs from them.
It sounds like your ex is heading to his rock bottom. Did he tell you this? Interesting as my ex felt the need to tell me the most extraordinary things about what he got up to (one story included prostitutes in Germany and a random bloke from Amsterdam, but apparently he didn’t “do anything” ????????). I wondered why at the time he felt the need to tell me, but sometimes I think it is their way of showing ushowtotally lost they actually are.
If he was the one to tell you I wouldnt be surprised if you hear more from him as he suddenly starts to realise what he has done to himself and all around him.
This is when you are going to need to be strong and put some boundaries down. The temptation is to rescue them. It won’t work.
My ex spent the evening with me last night and we talked from the heart. He claims he has given up and only slipped up last week. I would love to believe it but I am not convinced. It was beautiful and sad at the same time. He loves me, I love him, we both said it. But he needs to recover. I told him that I was at a crossroad in my life and that I was ok loving him from afar as that is how I feel but that I want to move on with my life and that he had been very hurtful when using to me and the children and that I didn’t want to be married to him any more. I don’t think he thought I would ever feel like that but sadly I do. Being married didn’t protect me or the children, it put us in a place of fear where I was at the mercy of his cocaine infused decisions. When we are divorced I get the keys and I keep my boys safe from rows, anxiety and moodiness.
Yes, I will always be in love with my husband. Frustratingly, last night he showed me the man he once was, I haven’t seen him in a long long while, but every now and again he would say something or draw a conclusion that was very random and alarming. I could never relax and truly be myself again, I would always be vigilant and worried. I chose not to live like that any more. It is interesting, but me saying I accepted him for what he was and hoped one day he found what he was looking for seems to have had some sort of effect. Maybe there is some really wise truth in leaving them alone to let them figure it out themselves. Maybe now I’ve stopped trying to rescue him he’s trying to figure out how to do it himself.
Who knows, maybe he will figure this out himself. He told me he doesn’t want to do it as it has ruined his life. That’s some good insight. Maybe with a divorce and two years down the line clean we may find each other again. But I am going to just get on with my life and take each day as it comes.
Wishing you every happiness in your new home Cally xxx
Haha! You’re welcome Danny ????
Yes, it’s been a shit few years, but at least I have my two wonderful boys and they are awesome so I can’t complain!
Keep my number and if you ever feel you are going to use, WhatsApp me and I will try and help you through it. You really are doing well and I just wish my ex would be like you.
Tonight he is coming to discuss how we now move forward given that he keeps lying to me. I still don’t understand why when he is sad he uses. He says a cuddle is not what he “needs”. Confusing to me as most people appreciate a hug if they are down but I guess it is the pull of the coke and he wants to distract himself from the pain f the feelings that he is somehow trying to avoid? If you can shed any light on this before I talk to him I would be so grateful!
Keep up the good work! You are now over a month without come. Awesome! ????????
Babe, my number is [number removed]. WhatsApp me and we’ll sort a visit down to Essex for you. You need to read a book by Melody Beattie called Co dependent no more. It will help you understand why you feel the way you do and how to let go.
Babe, brace yourself, hard truth coming, and I still cry every time I think about it but you do reach a more pragmatic state, but, your lovely husband, the one you married, he’s gone. I’m so so sorry to say it babe, but your ex is using as much as mine did. My ex is not there. I have searched for him, I have tried everything but he has become something unrecognisable. Do something symbolic to come to terms with it.
We had a daughter but she died before her due date. She is buried in the church near my home. When I put flowers on her grave I pull one out of the bunch and put it in a different vase for my soulmate, the man I fell in love with. He is as dead as she is. I never got over her but I learned to live with it, I believe I will meet her one day. If I can learn to live with losing her I will learn to live with losing him. Life doesn’t seem fair, it doesn’t matter how much we care or love but when you learn to accept what it deals you and stop fighting against it you will get a sense of peace.
I am in an awful 80”s club in Brighton as we speak, life has a warped sense of humour, lol! Beautiful things can happen. And annoying as it sounds I can confidently tell you that it is true what they say, time is a healer xx
Hi Cally, I’m sorry you had all this to deal with. Do you want my truthful opinion? He’s been caught out. He’s reverted back to any tactic he thinks may work in order to manipulate you. Do you really buy that he is flatmates with this girl? Stop for a second, take a deep breath and listen to what your heart is telling you. You already know what you need to do about this situation. He’s feeling guilty, his behaviour is erratic, he’s doing coke and now found a young fellow partaker. Whatever is going on there, it isn’t right! You deserve so so much better, on that point I would agree with him! I know it is so so hard babe, I’ve been there and worn the T shirt. My ex wants to have a “sesh” with me tomorrow. This means drink alcohol and try and manipulate me into staying in his life as although he doesn’t want me he doesn’t want to let go either.
Neither of our exes want to change. They left for a reason. I know it is so so painful to accept but actions speak louder than words. This situation is only going to end in more pain. My ex fessed up to taking coke on Friday last night and then accused me of having him followed he is so paranoid! I envy you in that you do not have children with your ex and can walk away and start afresh! I have to see mine and it is awful, it’s not good for my kids when he is hanging out his backside either. I daydream about moving and not telling him where we’ve gone!
You need to start doing things for you. I know it is difficult to hear, and I have been in your shoes desperately clinging onto hopes and dreams. Nothing dies more slowly or painfully than the death of our dreams. I remember you saying you didn’t have much support. If you fancy coming down to snowy Essex (yep snowing at the mo!) can I suggest you hop on a coach and come and escape from it down here? You can talk to me and vent it all out, swap stories of the bizarre over a bottle of prosecco and write a list of all the things that you are going to do for yourself. I have been very lucky by having a load of great friends whopping my arse to see sense. Sounds like you need someone to listen and let you get it all off your chest. I’ve got a spare room, you are welcome to stay and my two boys are very well behaved (most of the time ????) The offers there if you want to. Sending big hugs xx
B8988 you are right he is using. Tonight I called him on it and said I knew. The paranoia that he was being followed was a tad amusing but also a bit concerning but I pointed out his come down was evidence enough to which he then fessed up to using but only last Friday ???? He went to Amsterdam for New Years Eve need I say more ,,,
Anyway, Bhoyo and Danman I need your advice, I really do! My ex wants to have a sesh with me (he means alcohol) on Saturday night as I am seeing Bastille in Brighton tomorrow then our clubbing with friends.
I need advice on what he wants to talk about, eg us moving forward and being honest. He said something strange though and I would like to understand more about what he means as it appears for the first time since our divorce he wants to try and make me “understand”.
He said he used on Friday as he was feeling down, to which I said well that’s because you don’t get cuddles any more and he said “you don’t understand, that’s not what I need”
What does he mean by this. What does he “need” that the coke gives him that a person can’t? I would like to know so that I don’t judge him or say anything inappropriate when he finallly talks to me which he says he wants to. I sent our divorce papers off today. I didn’t tell him. I’m a bit scared about his reaction to me doing that although he knows I was going to but he kept dragging his feet. He said to me he doesn’t want to do it any more and Friday was a slip up. He’s never been this open with me before, and to be honest only opened up as I said the wY we were acting was bullshit and I was fed up with his lies so didn’t want any kind of relationship whereas he wants us to be friends. He still holds a lot of anger towards me, mainly because he had a psychotic meltdown 18 months ago accusing me with sleeping with a 26 year old carpet fitter! It was so random!
Bhoyo and Danman your advice and anyone else’s would be very welcome as this the first time EVER he has genuinely said he wanted to give it up.
That is really positive B8988, at least he is trying, at least he is declaring love for you. He seems to really want to change. Although I bet like me you may be thinking, did he really? But that is how they make us paranoid and manipulate us all the time. They keep us in this circle of drama. I do think that they love us, deep down they do. But this coke, gosh it’s got a draw to it! I am petrified of the stuff and would never ever take it after hearing how it can get a hold of you. And for the record, back in the day I would party with the rest of them at raves, I’ve done MDMA, mushrooms, speed, weed, all in my teens and early 20’sbut I was single with no responsibilities and kept it for festivals and special occasions, so just a couple of times a year. So it’s not like I don’t know what those things do to you and would never touch them now. But I just don’t understand how coke manages to hook everyone so badly, it really is the devil’s work!
But I am hopeful for you B8988! He sounds like he really does care and doesn’t want to lose you. Mine is totally unpredictable! One minute hugs, the next telling me I’m useless and he doesn’t want to be with me. I do wonder what my life will be like this time next year…..x