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I think there may be some truth in what you are saying B8988. We signed the divorce papers on Monday night and I think it upset my ex husband as he asked for a hug afterwards ad then again tonight he actually asked for a hug. I try to just remind myself that I must keep moving forward, much as I will love him forever, I cannot let him hurt me or the boys any more. Tonight he dropped the kids off early and said that he was tired so going to bed as in London tomorrow. Yet he got in his car and drove the opposite way to home to God knows where. And that really is the sum of it. He cannot change. I doubt he does have a woman which is most people’s reaction to this behaviour. He’s just off to score. I don’t know what will be rock bottom, but I am powerless to help him and so am trying to save myself and my kids.
Bhoyo1 you’re not my ex husband are you? And just changed two boys for two daughters? If not you are living identical lives! Seriously, the amount you use, the times you use it, it sounds very familiar to me! Right down to the football on Tuesday nights! Only you appear to want to change, my ex doesn’t! I hope you find a way to break this. Danny is doing really well, read his other threads and be inspired. Wishing you luck x
Cally, my ex did the same, but then decided to say he wasnt in love with me etc etc was totally feral and mean but then is hell bent on me trusting him again saying he will make me trust him. He did £700 a month at his peak. He was on it Friday night for sure as he had a blinder of a come down staying in bed and not answering his sons calls on Saturday. When he eventually surfaced he looked awful and was very rude to me. Sunday he apologised. He is actually snorting as we speak as alternate Tuesday’s he works in London and used to roll in on the morning train at 7am. He thinks I don’t know what he’s up to and claims he just gave it up! ???????????? We’ve all seen Julie Clark’s YouTube and know it can’t be true. If it is he should write a book himself and help all the people who actually do want to give up! He thinks he is driving the kids to school tomorrow. He so isn’t as I don’t trust him. This means he will be really rude to me tomorrow but I’ve decided I am not tolerating his bad behaviour. We’re getting divorced, so that’s it for me now.
Cally, we want to believe their lies. Gosh I so did, but what I always go back to is this. My man promised me the moon on a friggin stick! Actions speak louder than words. I was permanently disappointed. If you’re like me you will be questioning yourself, your attractiveness beating yourself up over this and that which they told you you had done, but the bottom line is this; none of this has the slightest thing to do with us. And unlike Danny (and Danny I think you are amazeballs by the way and wish my ex was as strong as you!) our men don’t want to change, or can’t change. To quote Mel Beattie, people ultimately do what they want to do. They feel and think what they want to do and do things they believe they need to do and will change only when they are ready. It doesn’t matter if they are wrong and we are. Right. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to and cooperate with getting better. In my case my ex just resented my efforts and resisted, he then redoubled his efforts, it felt, just to prove he won’t be controlled. He temporarily adapted to my demands but the moment I turned my back he reverted to his natural state of lying and drug taking. I think his bad behaviour towards me was because he wanted to punish me for making him somethingnhe doesn’t want to be. In my case a responsible father and husband. I’m not sure it’s just the cocaine for my ex, I think he had a life planned out which didn’t happen and he turned to it to feel better. He dreamed of being a musician or DJ and that’s what he is supposed to be doing. His 2 bed flats second bedroom is a studio, not a room for his sons. We had a studio, I built it for him with my inheritance for my Nan, but even that wasn’t enough. Maybe your ex and my ex can’t quit because they don’t want to. My ex definitely thinks he missed out on life, the cocaine has a hold of him, and the weed, that he smokes every day. He basically switches himself on and off with the two. He’s definitely addicted but I think my ex had some mental health issues before then. I found some strange notes etc when he left where he was sort of talking to himself. Some of it was heartbreaking, as to how he wanted to look after me and the boys but had wasted time on music, the latter stuff was awful, basically a list of all the reasons why he hated me.
Maybe your ex had some underlying issues too and that’s why he can’t quit?
But the point is, it isn’t actually anything too do with us at all, it’s all o do with them. Yes we get hurt, my kids got hurt, but it wasn’t anything that we did. They are their issues. Letting go is what we are supposed to do, because they cannot see our pain, they are too busy concentrating on their own. Easier said than done. I find it hard, very hard, but ultimately we only have control over ourselves. To get through all this I think we need to start concentrating on ourselves and let them do what they need to do.
Gosh, sorry for waffling!
But no, your ex hasn’t given up, and the only truth you probably have is that everything he says could be a lie. If you take that approach you can actually start seeing the funny side of the lies and other odd behaviours. I now chuckle to myself over little things. For example last week he told me spreadable butter was bad for me, to which I looked up, nodded and said, good to know… as he rolled a spliff in front of me whilst gurning cocaine styly. At least I know he’s not having trans fatty acids, he doesn’t want any of those floating around his system. Only nice clean skunk and cocaine with whatever junk it’s been cut with! We have to laugh or we will never stop crying over those lost dreams! Life will get better I am sure. And I am noticing my calm days now outweigh my bad days, and my relationship with my sons is absolutely amazing, we are extremely close, probably as a result of all we have been through.
Danny, I would have to say no. My life has been ruined because of cocaine. Seeing my best friend disappear in front of my eyes and all the things I loved about him gone. The last 7 years I have been walking on eggshells wondering what was happening and then when I knew all my attempts to help were just thrown back at me. The lies were insane and ecause unkind. To be honest I don’t think I will ever trust anyone again even if they didn’t have a drug problem! I don’t think I have it in me to go through all of that again!
You are doing so well Danman, I wish my ex would see what the coke has done to him. B8988 at least your husband loves you and says so.
I had an awful day yesterday. I finished preparing all the divorce papers and let him know he needed to sign them. He text back saying ‘nice one”.
When he came round we signed in silence until he said “this is sad isn’t it, the opposite of getting married”. I just looked at him. He then said “but it’s got to be done”. He then fussed about with a parcel that he wanted collected from mine as I am in today and when he left he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a big hug. I don’t know whether he was really upset or not, I don’t understand any of his behaviour any more. I later text to say I had never felt so awful after signing papers to which he replied. “No, not very nice at all.”
I really don’t know what that man values. It’s certainly not me and the kids! Must be his freedom to do what he likes when he likes with whoever he likes. I wish I could move away. He’s having his cake and eating it living up the road. I wish I could move away but I have a massive penalty if I cash in before the end of the fixed rate and also both my sons want to stay. It’s like I don’t get a say in anything. I wish he would go and move to London. He’s there for work today. Tuesday night is coke night after work with his techs chronnies. He’ll ride back in first thing in the morning and then expect contact with the kids. But of course, he isn’t doing coke according to him……such a liar! His bad moods and gaunt looks say otherwise. Don’t even know why I even care any more. Just st wish I didn’t have to see him. Maybe if he didn’t see us then he would realise what he has lost!
Sorry for rant! I just know 100% I wouldn’t be getting divorced if it wasn’t for the drugs! 🙁
B8988 I am very sorry to hear this. Apparently this is a very depressing time of year and my ex has also been on a bender this weekend. On Saturday night he ignored my boys calls to him when my autistic son aged 11 had a meltdown with his computer. I’m no tech wizard but I googled the error code did my best but couldn’t solve it. My ex is a computer whizz and as lives two mins up the road, after an hour of my poor son banding his head on the wall (literally) I grabbed my youngest son to see if the ex was there. I was most surprised to see his car. No lights were on in his flat. I got my son to buzz and lo and behold he answers. He claimed to be asleep but I told him to get downstairs and sort the computer out for his son. He said he had to get changed. We waited outside. Then he staggered down looking annoyed and grumpy and said what did we want. We said to help the eldest one with his computer! He then said he had to go upstairs (to which I gave him a really nasty look) and said why? To which he said there is nobody here you can come and look if you like to which I walked onto the pavement in disgust. He then came down and was totally feral and rude to meslagging me off to my youngest son and accusing me of breaking the computer and asking me why I tried to fix it when I was stupid. My youngest son looked very n omfortable hearing this.
When he got there he couldn’t fix it (transpires the hard disk is faulty but fortunately under warranty) and said he’d come back Sunday morning.
He is claiming no cocaine since Sept bet last year! He was so totally hanging off his Arsenal it made me so angry! It’s one thing ignoring me but he ignored his boys and the eldest was totally melting down! It made me so angry that while I am trying to provide for the boys he is out partying and then spending Saturday in bed. I am really mad about it! I am left to do absolutely everything.
When he came down the next day he apologised to me for being “moody”. Then complimented me on my flatpack skills. The flatpack he had promised to build , but I knew he wouldn’t. Like all the other empty promises.
Do you agree thissounds like a man on a bender rather than someone who just “smokes weed”.
I hate the bare faced lies we get! At what point does this arsehole look up and realise he has ruined his life but more important ruined his family! I feel so guilty about daydreaming of him overdosing so he ends up in hospital, not dying, but bad enough that he finally comes to his senses. I fear though that it’s going to be the latter and he’ll just die and it will probably end up being me or the boys who find him face up in his own vomit!
B8988, you put on one of these threads that you wished you could just not be in love with him anymore and I am so with you on that! I wish that was possible! I wish that more than anything as I am so tired of all this! Have you heard from your husband yet? Sending big hugs xxx
Danman I am so proud of you! It sounds so tricky! To have avoided it for a month is amazing ????
When you say “dreaming of using” do you mean literally dreaming when you are asleep or just thinking about it? I am wondering why my ex husband can’t give up!
Oh babe, seriously, I’d walk away. I know it seems harsh but i’ve been with my ex husband for 19 years, he always smoked weed and drank but the last 6/7 years he was doing coke, loads of it £40,000 debt when I found out and I have just seen the lovely man I knew disappear. We have 2 kids and I feel my life has been wasted these last 7 years. We got back together last year but it didn’t work as he lied again and in 5e end I gave an ultimatum and he chose the drugs. If your bf is like that now imagine what he will be like in 7 years. Walk away while you still can. The one consistent theme on this forum is that unless they want to change they will not and no amount of yelling and ultimatums will change that. I changed into a nervous controlling anxious wreck because of him. That is not who I am. He says all sorts of things to me, but actions speak louder than words. We are getting divorced, he doesn’t care any more, Coke makes them become arseholes. I think he is our living it large and doesn’t give a second thought to me any more. Don’t end up in my shoes. Sorry babe to be so blunt, but I wish I had the benefit of hindsight. I wouldn’t have chosen this for me and my boys. X
Hi babe! I’m so sorry to hear this but sadly not surprised ☹️ My ex husband is exactly the same. I don’t recognise him either. As you know he hid 6/7 years of cocaine abuse from me. He is now living the life of Riley in his flat coming and going as he chooses popping in to see us (2 minutes down the road) when he feels like it as he knows that I always let the boys see him if they want to which they always do.
I have been really sad today as I don’t know why but I just had this gut feeling he had met somebody else. I am usually right about these things, and like you guys feel upset that they may just turn it around for them, I feel utterly used. He also gives mixed messages for example on Thursday saying he would do all this stuff for me but he hasn’t even contacted the kids until this evening (they ignored him which did make me smile) My friends made me do the flatpack myself last night though so I feel really proud of myself! I’m glad they made me do that. They know what is best for me and know me too well that secretly I want him to want to help me, but it’s probably just to assuage his guilt!
They make such fools out of us! None of our friends or even acquaintances understand it, they all say he was punching abound his weight with me, and I do try and look after myself unlike him, but it really seems that it has nothing to do with what we look like. I imagine whoever he is with will be younger and into drugs. I can’t see how a normal woman would be sucjered in but he has this old free spirit surfer dude vibe going on, but do you know the irony of that, it was me who taught him to surf! Me who taught him to snowboard and me who was the free spirit! But of course when kids come along your priorities change and I think he just couldn’t hack it.
I hope you are both ok. It means so much talking on here as nobody else understands what it’s like and don’t understand why I am so upset and can’t move on. I think I put him on a pedestal he clearly didn’t deserve.
Imagine if we announced we were planning a bender! ???????? I’m tempted to be really naughty and tell him I am and see how he likes it! He didn’t like it when I went to Dublin on my own the beginning of the month, and promptly booked a trip to Amsterdam as he couldn’t have me “trumping him” his exact words! Xx
DNanon I’m sorry you had a bad day yesterday, how are you today? I am having a sad one today. Haven’t heard from the ex since Thursday despite a lot of promises to help me with some things. My eldest son has autism and had a meltdown this morning, I was trying to get him out the house as we had to pick the other one up from football then meet my parents so I had to try and chivvy him on. It really upset me that my ex had put me in that position of constantly trying to juggle everything when my other son should have had his dad there so he had time to calm down.
It must be so awful not knowing where your son is.
Whereabouts is everyone? I am Essex, happy to meet up for coffee and support if you are local?
Danman, how are you doing? Have you still managed to resist? Cocaine is so awful, it changes most people unrecognisably. Do you remember when you first realised you had a problem? We’re you horrible to your other half and say nasty things when you were coming down or without it? My ex was awful, the things he said!
It’s a hard one is t it. I think actions speak louder than words. My ex keeps saying he will do this and that for me but he never does. He’s going to go ballistic this weekend as I have redrafted our letter to the Judge. He doesn’t want it but both our solicitors say he should have part of my pension but I refuse! I See no reason why he should have mine just because he decided not to have one and spend all his money on cocaine instead! I used to make my children share a cake when I took them to Costa because he kept telling me we had no money. All the while he was doing £700 on cocaine! ????
Cally, I have found mindfulness really helpful but the turning point for me was a book called co-dependent no more by Melanie Beattie. You start to realise the part we play in it, and we do play a part, albeit reluctantly, but their condition turns us naturally into paranoid androids, who wouldn’t after all the lies and deceit we have been through. But we can’t control them. The only thing we have control over is ourselves. It’s important to grieve, and Cally you seem to be at early stages, I think I am only just beginning to come to terms with the who,e letting go concept. But I promise you, that once you learn how to do it, it really does free you! That’s not to say you don’t have bad days, sure I’ve cried several times this week, just let yourself feel what you feel then move on. Mindfulness teaches you how to observe those circular thoughts in the brain, they’re not helping so don’t give into them. It’s an odd concept and I doubt I have mastered it, but it’s a good technique to use when you need to calm yourself.
I am really sorry you have nobody to talk to, is there really nobody, a sister or close friend? You can’t do this on your own, the loneliness must be unbearable. Why don’t you get a notebook and start writing down all the things that you can do for you, just you. I wrote music with my ex and he controlled all the programming and recording software. I didn’t have a clue. Now I not only have my own equipment but have written, recorded and produced 3 songs all by myself! I never thought I could do that!
It doesn’t have to be big things, it can be small things lije today I learned how to change the ink in my printer (I am incredibly ditzy!). Earlier this month I flew to Dublin by myself and had a ball!
Funnily enough Cally, I am planning to meet a friend in Liverpool in the next couple of months, so you know what! We are going to meet up and go out for an evening! I don’t believe in coincidences and everything happens for a reason. I can honestly say this who,e experience over the last 18 months has truly made me a better person. I have grown in every way possible and feel less afraid now that I am learning to let go. The truth is, we don’t really know what will happen tomorrow, let alone next week or next month, or even next year.
B9889 is totally right, your husband may take another path. The thing is, maybe they need to hit rock bottom. Who knows what that is, I think it’s different for each person. But what I really do understand now is that we can’t change people, they will only change if and when they want to. It doesn’t matter that we are right and they are wrong, and we’ve learned now that despite all our spying, ranting crying and ultimatums, that at the end of the day people will be who they want to be and no amount of yelling by us is going to tell them otherwise.
I have a new tack. It’s called moving on and showing him that I am. E dry time I pull away he does something like wash my car or try and do something. Yeah that’s his desire to control me, and so far he has done a fantastic job at that. Bit as time moves on we all get stronger. Maybe when they see that they truly will lose us, maybe that will be their rock bottom. But I actually do want to move on and am not afraid of being on my own any more. Who knows, maybe one day they will surprise us all xx
Oh Cally that is awful! I pretty much had the same but as we have kids he has to keep me sweet otherwise I could stop his contact (my son found his drugs and I had to deal with social services but they didn’t do anything as they said I was a protective factor and closed the case) I think I would rather not have to see him as it is like dealing with invasion of the body snatchers every time I see him!
I think my ex has a new woman, she’ll be a user for sure. My friend asked me how I felt about it and I was surprised to say devastated and relieved. Devastated because I loved him once so much, but relieved as because in a way it makes it final and I can draw a line under it all.
Where do you live? I am Essex (but I don’t have a fake tan and false eyelashes ????) if you are nearby we could meet for a coffee, it sounds like you need a big hug and to talk to someone who really knows what you are going through. I know a couple of friends who are divorced but it’s a bit of a different situation with the drugs and nobody else I know has walked in my shoes the way others on this forum have. To be honest this keeps me sane!
Although I am learning my own worth and have developed a sense of humour which makes me laugh at the craziness of it all.
For what it’s worth, when they are coming down they feel like shit. Don’t try and assume anything about him. They think the grass is greener but it isn’t, and at the end of the day we have our health.
Let me know if you are nearby and we can meet up. Big hugs babe and don’t go through this alone. I feel for you as you have lost a lot of dreams xx
Ok, he’s settled now.
Cally, have you not heard from him at all? That is weird after being together for so long. I can’t help but notice our husbands all appear to also be at midlife fe crisis age! I’m actually older than my husband but look much younger than him. He never took me out because he said men looked at me all the time, he has admitted to being very jealous. My ex is weird because he gets really angry at me and says of course he fancies me and that has nothing to do with it. He also said he was intimidated by me which made me feel like a real geezer bird but I think he meant because I am quite extrovert whereas without coke he is completely introverted.
Tonight he said he would clean the fish tank, sort my printer and music software and also build my new flat pack tv unit. I find it really confusing that he says these things. We are getting divorced and it doesn’t feel normal to act like that. He gives very mixed messages.
He was out tonight and tried to play it down but he was driving and it is impossible for him to go out without drinking or drugs. He’ll drive over the limit on something for sure, but again it made me laugh as he said “for a bit” haha! Bit of what…?
Cally, I really do feel for you as it is early stages for you. This has been going on for me for 18 months and at 3 months I was a stone lighter stairing into space and crying at work!
Do you have support nearby you? I’m worried for you as without my friends and family I think I would have had a nervous breakdown!
B9889 do you not think the al anon very helpful then? I’ve read up on the 12 steps. I’m definitely on board with the powerlessness bit! xx
B9898, it’s such a hard one isn’t it! This issue about women really upsets me too and I have exactly the same fear that he will move on find someone else and change for them, but the reality is that unless they are a user as well I think he may struggle! I have begun to worry that my ex is putting feelers out too! I don’t get his behaviour at all!
He took me to pick my car up from the garage at 4.30 this evening. We talked about our son for most of the drive and then I asked how his non smoking was going. He said badly, he also said he was still doing weed but then point blank calmly denied using any cocaine since his birthday!!! What a crock of shit! He went to Amsterdam for New Years Eve and has been to a few raves and Christmas parties where everyone was doing it! I don’t see how someone who had a £700 a month addiction can give it up cold turkey! Plus his behaviour around my kids (sleeping all day Sunday whilst he had contact with his boys!) says otherwise! I really pulled his chain and said he was a miracle and that he should write a book and share his wisdom with other addicts as I had never heard of someone giving it up without rehab!
Calmly, I am so so sorry this has happened to you! I and B9898 have had exactly the same although our husbands don’t appear to love us at all. I know what you are going through that utter pain and disbelief in the loss of your best friend and soulmate. It is the worst drug for sure for changing the personality. If it helps, I have read a lot of medical papers on the effect of cocaine on the brain and it changes then by blocking the dopamine receptors. That’s where you get the normal fuzzy loving feelings from when you get a kiss from someone you love or a hug.They aren’t lying when they say they are not in love with us, they’re not in love with anyone other than Mistress Charlie!
Oh my son’s poorly I will write again in a bit! xx
You are so right! It can’t ever be the same again. For one I know I will never ever trust him again. He lived a double life, a really decadent one when he was in the City. I only know this because when he had to disclose his finances I saw all these bar bills. He never took me out. He told me we had no money but was spending it all on himself not even on his children. If I truly peel myself away from who I am, float up and look down objectively and look at how he has treated me, I know it would be obvious to me that this man is not the person I loved and that his behaviour is so disgraceful and disrespectful that I should be walking away without a second look.
He said last week that we needed to spend more time together but that is because he doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anyone else to have me either. I am contemplating telling him that we cannot be “friends” that I don’t want anything to do with him and that I am going to start going on dates. This set up is too convenient for him. He’s having his cake and eating it. It’s hard as we have kids and we are stuck with contact for at least the next 7 years. I don’t think he thinks he has lost anything! Apart from his relationship with me, which clearly he doesn’t value anyway. I think I need to be a bit harsher with him, he hasn’t treated me well at all and I don’t want to be friends with this person, I wanted to be the soulmate of the one that died 7 years ago. I really am in love with a ghost.
At least your husband still cares about you and wants to change. Mine has been so unkind to me. I do sometimes wonder whether it is all the drugs or whether there was a mean streak in him all along. xx