Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi white heather
One thing I can say with conviction is that addiction doesn’t discriminate. By this I mean during my years of going to AA and CA meetings I have mixed with people of all races, religion, sexual orientation. People from living healthy homes, to those less fortunate. There doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason, though my observations show me there are common themes in addicts that seem to be there in everyone regardless.
It’s easy to blame yourself but that wont help you, or him right now so try to catch that as it will eat you up.
If it’s any consolation I fully recovered from a serious alcohol problem now 12 years sober, and also drugs a similar amount of time. Recently I feel foul of painkillers and prescription anxiety meds and have also managed to stay clean from them, though that experience was different. I have managed to go through horrendous withdrawals and come out the other side.
Despite my issues I have a good job, a beautiful family, am responsible, can accept my past and try to be a good person as much as I can.
You CAN recover- millions of people have, it’s not easy though and the job starts within- accepting you have a problem and accepting help.
I know what your son means by thinking the place was crap, I had the same attitude. I can tell you now when i was going through opiate and benzo withdrawal I took all the help I could get and was humbled by the help people on here gave me. I now have a very different outlook – your son doesn’t have to go that far though and need never use again if he is open to some help.
I hope you are ok, if there is anything I can answer I’ll do my best, I have seen both sides of the fence
Hi cath
Firstly sorry you are having to go through this, and well done for reaching out.
Could I ask for a bit more information on his additional needs and also what opiates? This isnt to be nosey or cause you further distress, knowing it will help me ascertain what I found helpful
Hope you can post soon
Welcome.
Sadly being an addict makes you incredibly selfish and self centred. You will hear that in any AA or NA meeting it comes with the turf. He is obviously a very sick person in need of some help.
It’s good to know you have some support, keeping him at arms length is definitely a good thing for now to keep yourself safe
Hey
Firstly well done for posting, that couldn’t have been easy.
You have an awful lot of stuff going on there.
The first thing is what about you? It sounds like you need to do what you can for you first in order to get through this horrible time and support your mum, as well as grieve for your dad. It wont be easy but somehow you are going to need to keep your brother at arms length for the time being as his issues, and they are his not yours, are making a difficult time even harder.
Unfortunately given he is 50k in debt it suggests he us a cocaine addict. This is likely why he is behaving the way he is – until he admits he has an issue, puts it down and starts to sort it out, there isn’t a great deal you can do.
Do you have sufficient support right now, dealing with losing a parent must be awful
Hey molly
Does or did he take meds for the adhd. This is something I have heard before you know, that taking drugs which would normally cause a neuro typical person to get high, actually level a neuro diverse brain out strangely. I dont know if there is science behind this.
Does he recognise it’s an issue?
I consider myself fortunate, but was also gutted I fell afoul of prescription meds even after all those years. I have just listened to keep it in the day, one day at a time now. I’m a very lucky man with a beautiful family !
Make sure you check In here. There are loads of people who have the same experience as you.
I really wish you all the best
That’s the best you can do for now. Try to look out for yourself for now and make sure you have some support.
Ouch.
I know that must be upsetting, and nothing anyone can say will make it better – none of this is your fault though and you cant control what she does sadly. Is she likely to get in touch again
Hey Kirst
Well done on putting the kids first, so many people dont and the damage it can cause is terrible later on in life – you sound like a good responsible mum.
From what you have written unfortunately it sounds like your partner is a full blown addict. The problem here is that sadly this is only going to get worse, not better unless he puts it down, tackles withdrawal and gets clean. That thought in itself terrifies most addicts – after all if it was easy everyone would do it. As you describe, many people can put it down but they can’t stay stopped. Often people will say ‘ why cant you stop’ but it isn’t that simple. Addiction is often 2 fold- physical and mental. Once that is handled you are then looking at living life in lifes terms – that is terrifying to the addict as there is nowhere to hide and no clue as to how to rectify the damage you have caused, especially to your family – that’s why it becomes so appealing to carry on using.
I dont like to give advice out as I never know what I would do in other peoples shoes, but do you have a safe place you can go with the kids if you needed to?
Also the Shame you mention… that’s not your shame, that’s his. That shame will prevent you getting help and keep the weight on your shoulders. It’s very easy to take that on when you are so close to someone who is in a mess.
Of course it is, also addiction really changes people when they are using. Sucks the life and soul out of them completely.
If he is willing to have a look, there are tons of zoom meetings on at all times of the day and night at the moment, the NA uk website has the links to local meetings. I found it really helped fill the time up, get identification with other people and also offer up a solid way of living so that you never have to use again. The bonus is as they are online he can sit and listen in privacy and see whether it helps
It’s easy to stay clean and sober when life is good, like you say when it gets tough- and it does for everyone, what is the plan B?
That’s why making sure you throw everything and the kitchen sink at it will help
Do you think he would be receptive to meetings?
Hi HW
Thanks for sharing. The fact he us staying clean after years of abusing drugs it’s a miracle in itself.
My experience tells me that your instincts are right. He needs to have some independent support outside of just yours. Say you stay separated and dont reconcile, he would be putting everything on you and then what?
A healthy way to do it is mix it up. Councillor, doctors and maybe support from people who have been in same spot he has. I’m wary of keeping on suggesting meetings, but I found them really helpful for identification and finding a way to sort myself out and clear the wreckage I caused. They aren’t for everyone though and I dont subscribe to anyone who doesn’t do meetings is not an addict, as that isn’t true.
You did the right thing by yourself though – enabling someone to carry on like that will only go one way. Do you have enough support from friends and family yourself?
Hi Kirst
That’s some heavy stuff right there, glad you posted
Firstly I note children are involved. Sadly people in the middle of active addiction will run through brick walls to feed their habit and dont have an awareness or care of who they are hurting, neglecting or damaging in this instance you and the children. My view is that their safety and wellbeing needs to come first and foremost – you did the right thing not leaving him alone with them, and that has to carry on.
Sadly addicts dont just change in my experience. I’m not saying it cant happen but it’s not something I have ever seen. Typically someone needs to hot a rock bottom and ask for help before true changes can take place. Also he sounds very far into it taking a combination of opioids and benzos and if I have read correctly also his script? Firstly that is a very dangerous combination to use together, and also coming off all that is going to be very very painful – if and when he is ready. I know this as I have done it myself.
What you think and feel is 100% on accordance with your situation and you definitely aren’t mad or going out of your mind.
Is he open to getting help at all? By this I mean a detox first, then a rehab? He could also do plenty of NA meetings on zoom right now so he can sit and listen in the privacy of his own home.
Secondly do you have family who can support you and the kids? You guys need to be the priority right now I’m my view
Sorry you are having to go through this. There is lots of help and support in here and as a recovering addict I’m happy to give you insight from that side of the fence – it’s a horrible thing that bleeds you dry if anything worthwhile
You are stronger than you realise, for sure
The problem with addiction is it’s very very rare people can just stop what they are doing for a number of reasons. This may be the addiction, or the fact they have no intention of stopping.
Do you think he would co side CA / NA meetings at all? May be good to identify with people in the same boat as him