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Oh my gosh your story sounds so much like mine. I too was just so stunned that a couple weeks prior to finding out about my husbands drug use (he stopped coming home, turned into a complete monster with no emotion towards me – I found a text message which said he was using cocaine in this time) he was professing his undying love to me and taking about our future family. Then poof just gone. All within a couple weeks. He said HOW DIDNT YOU SEE THIS COMING? I was just shocked. It’s now been 2.5 months since he left… and he has no plans of coming back. He is a complete different person. And I get so confused as he can act normal on the phone but I have to remember what those last few weeks were like when he was here… why would he have stopped now. And has not owned up to anything. We had an amazing life. How are you coping? And have you heard from him since? I did not see this coming and am still trying to fathom this is what has happened to our previous life. Xo
Yes everything is so secretive… I have no idea what he’s been doing for months but he insists on knowing what I’m doing. In a way it must be nice to know that she still loves you and wants to be with you. My husband is still decided that he doesn’t think our marriage will work. Yet has never said he doesn’t love me or anything. But refuses to put any work into it or even be honest. Trying to tell myself it’s for a reason. I miss the old him so much though. My whole life feels like it’s crumbled before my eyes. Him and his family have been everything to me as I immigrated to the US to be with him. This has been so hard.
Yep same thing here, he says he’s only taken it a few times. He told his parents he’s unhappy with me. News to me because over the last 3 years we would tell each other weekly that we were happy. Says he’s been trying to convince himself this whole time… that we’ve never had chemistry. I’m sorry but why would you marry me then and cry to me just in March of how much you loved me? Just insane. And so sad. I miss my real husband and at this rate I’m very scared he will never come back to reality or give me answers that I deserve. I think that’s the hardest part just not knowing or understanding exactly what happened. Are you still seeing your partner?
I have had the thought many times that he is just so ashamed of what he has done to me (I also found messages of him with other women – he was SO against cheating and was disgusted with anyone who would do this before). He hasn’t owned up to anything he’s done or apologized once. This all just happened so fast. Literally the month of April then poof he’s gone and done with me. Out of no where, no one would have ever seen this coming. And I went to his family as I was so concerned and I think this made him push me away even more. They don’t see a problem though as “he seems fine” when they talk to him… which is for what 5 mins a day? To this day he would act like I’m insane if I tried to accuse him of using.
Its helpful to know that you can relate to the all of a sudden they take coke they want to stay out at friends, the lies, etc.
Just crazy that he thinks this is normal… I was prescribed anxiety medication because of all this and he was pestering me to find out why I was at the doctors so I told him. He says “is it because your homesick??” Like he didn’t just leave me and drain our account or anything… just unbelievable and delusional. He seems to just be on another planet sometimes. Couldn’t even remember what city our lawyers were in, took our pillows saying he thought they were his dads? Telling me things and not remembering at all when apparently sober…
I know all sings point to the drug but still so hard when I’m the only one who sees it.
I use the exact words you have used all of the time. Seeing them and not recognizing them anymore. The values being completely distorted. My husband has now done so many things he’s been completely against our entire relationship. I struggle to understand if it’s all drugs or have you turned into this terrible person (who sees nothing wrong with what he’s done). I’m so sorry. It’s so hard. Here if you ever need to talk.
I resonate so much with your story. I’m so sorry you’re also going through this. My world started to fall apart in April when out of the blue my husband did not coke home for 3 days. Very unlike him, we always had such a great bond and told each other how lucky we were all the time. The couple of weeks following I never knew if he would be coming home or not – he had never done anything like this before. He was suddenly so mean and cold. Freaking out over the littlest things. Not wanting to talk at all. Then I found a message on our computer from one of his friends that said “the next time you do coke I’m punching you”. As soon as I saw that all of the irrational behavior that didn’t make sense suddenly did. But of course even confronting him that night he said it was only a couple times (over the course of 5 months?) and that he was done with it. I’m positive he was on it during our conversation. I have friends that used it in the past and as soon as that was out I can now pinpoint it. He’s now said he can’t commit to coming home anymore and has left me (he’s been out of the house 2.5 months now) Ive noticed several occasions since he left the house that he’s been on it. Just no denying it for me. Not himself at all. Our friends notice a change in his personality and he doesn’t talk to any of them anymore. He’s got a whole new life suddenly, a new job, new friends. I ask myself is it just a coincidence that in the same timeframe I find out your using coke (and it’s clearly a problem) is the same time you feel our marriage isn’t going to work? We were just talking about our future children weeks before this all came about… just really struggling to know if his brain has just been completely altered because of the drugs or if this is truly a clear minded decision 🙁
So hard when you don’t have any answers… He would rather sleep on a “friends” couch now than in his home with his wife. He calls and acts like this is all normal. It blows my mind. Thanks to anyone who reads this and can offer any advice. Xo
Does it make you push your wife away to the point that they literally leave you and don’t want the relationship anymore? I’m sorry but I’m my situation this came out of no where. He just stopped coming home one weekend and was so angry all of a sudden then I found text messages which were telling of him doing cocaine. He knows it’s not acceptable for our life and now poof he has left out the house for 2.5 months with no plans to return. Absolute madness. But he denies any use of cocaine since I found out. Incredibly hard to deny though based on all of his behaviors. Ugh.
Thank you so much for your reply. It’s so reassuring to know others can see my perspective and understand. The amount of times I’ve had to think “I’m not crazy am I?” Because this has all just been so insane and irrational. I relate so much to the comments Ash made. Ugh. So sad. I just pray for his own health and life he can somehow pull out of this one day. So scary to think some can’t. Just learnt of an old friend from back homes overdose today. Mentioned it to my husband. He is just so monotone about everything right now. Hope you’re doing okay and glad you were able to pull yourself out and into a safe space xo
Thanks so much for your reply. It really does seem like he’s just run away from having to answer anyone. We’ve always got along perfectly but the second I ask about the unusual behavior and find out about the coke he’s literally gone and won’t come home anymore. It’s unbelievable. I’m worried he’ll never come back to reality. Crazy how they can fool everyone around them too. Definitely a whole different picture being in a relationship with an addict. He was so anti drugs I did not see this coming in a million years. So sad.
Thank you for your reply, it really means a lot. How long did it take him to admit to you there was a problem? I’ve known about the coke for about 3 months now and that means he’s been using for about 8 months now. It’s just unreal. He’s been out of the house for probably about 2.5 months now. He won’t admit he’s doing it at all. In the same breath he admitted to using it he said he’d already stopped. He just stays on friends couches now. Nothing makes sense. He is just a shell. I’m scared he will never admit there is a problem because he is the type to never ask for help. So hard not having the answers you deserve.
All of these behaviors ring a bell with me and my situation. It’s so nice to have others that understand.
I have been struggling trying to figure out what happened to my life in the weeks leading up to discovering my husband was using cocaine and what has happened ever since.
My husband and I were (so I thought) happily together for 3 and a half years. We would always tell each other how lucky we were and planned an entire future together. We had many goals and dreams of moving to Hawaii and starting a family.
This year he started a new “job”. There were red flags right away as his new “boss” was keeping him out partying until 5,6,7 in the morning. He said he needed to impress the boss and they were “networking”. These nights would randomly happen from time I time over a few months. The problem is he had not been paid over the course of the entire time. It was a sales position but there were no sales made and we hadn’t received any money for 6 months (my husband was at the office working 7 days a week for 12 hours a day trying to get this business going).
I tried my best to be supportive but this was so frustrating. Fast forward to March and my husband was still doing super sweet things for me like hanging up pictures of us around the house and telling me how much he loved me. A few weeks later in April he didn’t come home for a 3 day period (same time his “boss” got back to town) His phone was off and he was angry with me all of a sudden. Nothing like this has ever happened before. He blamed our sex life and said he didn’t know if he could do this anymore. A couple more weeks of him randomly coming home or not and really unusual behaviors like major mood swings, anger at me, random bursts of energy, sadness. And I found a text on our computer that said “the next time you do coke im punching you in the face” from one of his friends. It all made sense. I got him to admit he’s been using for 5 months although the said “only a couple times” which I think is a complete lie as I’m 99% sure he was on it when I found out. I’ve caught him in many lies since. I did not see this coming. Since then he’s said he cannot commit to coming home anymore. He’s said he “doesn’t see this working out” and it was “gradual” and “I don’t think it’s gunna happen” for our marriage
To me the problems only began when he started using the drug (working long hours, small personality changes like big ego and all around meaner attitude). Everyone we know would be in complete shock to hear we’re not together. Like I said completely out of no where. I’m having such a hard time trying to understand if this is him speaking this or it’s because he knows he can’t live this drug life with me. He’s pushed me away completely and I’m the only one here that loves him that sees the problem. Ive told his family in hopes they would help but they think when they talk to him “he seems fine”. The real him would never act this way or say these things. He says “we’ve never had chemistry” which is such a lie and so hurtful. He worshiped me before. Loved me so much before all this happened. Not to mention our entire savings account has been drained in the process and he has no answer to where the money went. I’m at a loss.
I understand that this all happened but when I speak to him on the phone he sounds normal so I have a hard time figuring out if this is the real him or not. I know probably not but it’s hard when you don’t have answers.
He seems completely delusional and oblivious to everything that is happening but has a new job and seems to be functioning normally otherwise. When he found out I had been prescribed anxiety medication he asked “is it because your homesick?” What?? Does he not realize that he just completely left me out of no where with no answers and all of our money is gone? Ugh.
I feel like I’m now addicted to reading stories on this forum in search of answers since he doesn’t provide me with any.
Thanks to anyone who reads it feels good to be able to relate!
I am so sorry for your situation. I have been struggling trying to figure out what happened to my life in the weeks leading up to discovering my husband was using cocaine and what has happened ever since.
My husband and I were (so I thought) happily together for 3 and a half years. We would always tell each other how lucky we were and planned an entire future together. We had many goals and dreams of moving to Hawaii and starting a family.
This year he started a new “job”. There were red flags right away as his new “boss” was keeping him out partying until 5,6,7 in the morning. He said he needed to impress the boss and they were “networking”. These nights would randomly happen from time I time over a few months. The problem is he had not been paid over the course of the entire time. It was a sales position but there were no sales made and we hadn’t received any money for 6 months (my husband was at the office working 7 days a week for 12 hours a day trying to get this business going).
I tried my best to be supportive but this was so frustrating. Fast forward to March and my husband was still doing super sweet things for me like hanging up pictures of us around the house and telling me how much he loved me. A few weeks later in April he didn’t come home for a 3 day period (same time his “boss” got back to town) His phone was off and he was angry with me all of a sudden. Nothing like this has ever happened before. He blamed our sex life and said he didn’t know if he could do this anymore. A couple more weeks of him randomly coming home or not and really unusual behaviors like major mood swings, anger at me, random bursts of energy, sadness. And I found a text on our computer that said “the next time you do coke im punching you in the face” from one of his friends. It all made sense. I got him to admit he’s been using for 5 months although the said “only a couple times” which I think is a complete lie as I’m 99% sure he was on it when I found out. I’ve caught him in many lies since. I did not see this coming. Since then he’s said he cannot commit to coming home anymore. He’s said he “doesn’t see this working out” and it was “gradual” and “I don’t think it’s gunna happen” for our marriage
To me the problems only began when he started using the drug (working long hours, small personality changes like big ego and all around meaner attitude) I’m having such a hard time trying to understand if this is him speaking this or it’s because he knows he can’t live this drug life with me. He’s pushed me away completely and I’m the only one here that loves him that sees the problem. Ive told his family in hopes they would help but they think when they talk to him “he seems fine”. The real him would never act this way or say these things. He says “we’ve never had chemistry” which is such a lie and so hurtful. He worshiped me before. Loved me so much before all this happened. Not to mention our entire savings account has been drained in the process and he has no answer to where the money went. I’m at a loss.
I understand that this all happened but when I speak to him on the phone he sounds normal so I have a hard time figuring out if this is the real him or not. I know probably not but it’s hard when you don’t have answers.
He seems completely delusional and oblivious to everything that is happening but has a new job and seems to be functioning normally otherwise. When he found out I had been prescribed anxiety medication he asked “is it because your homesick?” What?? Does he not realize that he just completely left me out of no where with no answers and all of our money is gone? Ugh.
I feel like I’m now addicted to reading stories on this forum in search of answers since he doesn’t provide me with any.