[cally1001]

That’s what I worry about he will stop and meet someone and they will get the good guy and I will be in pieces as what was the reason for the last 2 years if hell!

He was the same with me, put me on a pedestal but this coke crap as made him has me and blame me for everything.

It’s going to be hard but you are correct you are never going to be happy in this insane life that’s happening at the moment.

As long as they think we will always let them back they have no valid reason to stop.

Mine is different now as he left me, he has decided that he can’t get clean with me in his life as he will use if with me, he said he can’t handle the guilt and looks for excuses (that was a come down day) other days he says he was not happy and hated our life.

If you haven’t done this before and he really thinks you will not have him back you never know that could be his rock bottom!

See what the next few days bring..x

[cally1001]

Hi

I am new to the site but we have spoken over the last week and I have read through your posts.

I am sorry this has happened! Why oh why do they do this. He was in a perfect position away from temptation but I can tell you they will get what they want anywhere, they JUST know who to ask it’s inbuilt in them!

You are doing the right thing, may not seem like it at the moment but just like me you have done everything you possibly could but it’s like banging your head against a brick wall and unless they truly want to stop there is nothing we can do.

I dint have children and I am struggling so god only knows how you feel.

Be strong and just know none of it’s your fault!

I am still in the stage of thinking it’s my fault but that will change in time, we are good at giving advice to others but not taking my own.

Not sure how feasible it is to have no contact because if the children but you could go through a family member for contact access and give yourself some time out from him.

Sending hugs.xx

[cally1001]

Hi

Thanks for reply.

I have done all those things you suggest that is why i am so stuck in limbo.

He has said he will remember the good times and only the best of me (that was said on a clean day) and i truly believe him.

For how he treated me before all this its like chalk and cheese as i was his world.

When i did see him high that was the end i suppose as he never wanted me to see that and he knew before me that it was over.

I was the one begging him to come back, get help etc but he just said you will never forget it and the arguments make me look for an excuse to take more.

Logically i know all this and i know it is true and i know he loves me, but the emotional part of me and my heart is just so terribly hurt and i cant see past the drugs only that my husband has left me, and i just think i could have done more (i dont know what more i could have done so i should keep thinking that, he just didnt want to stop)

I am just so lost and emotional and up and down which i know everyone on here is so its good to talk to people in the same boat.

I just think he knew it would not change and even if he does get better the embarrassment is too much for him as friends and family all know, i wish i had never said anything to anyone but at the time i was in shock and there is no handbook how to react.

I wish i had of reacted differently when i found out but whats the point in thinking what if etc its not going to change anything.

That he can just walk away like a coward and not try is what is making it hard to accept as i wanted to help but he didnt want it or was not ready for it.

xx

[cally1001]

Hi Bluebell

I am near Liverpool (I dont say calm down calm down and i dont go shopping in my PJ’s haha)

its a pity you are so far away as you say others get divorced and say move on etc but with the drugs in the mix it is a total mind game, i dont know what was truth and lies and although i know it is the drugs its still hurts me as he has just vanished and i wonder how anyone can do that, I am still thinking of the man from a few years ago and he would never do that (or would he?? as i never really knew him at all)

Yes its the dreams that hurt so much, the plans we made together just gone.

I feel he is in a win win situation, free to use, free to meet others, no memories etc and i am sat at home with all the memories etc (god i sound like a broken record :-))

I move next week so that hopefully will start to help but its my mind that is the problem, it just does not stop EVER!

I am starting Yoga next week as i have been reading up and people have said it saved them during divorce so will give that a shot.

I truly believe if had had more friends and family it would not be as hard and i would heal quicker, but what has happened and how i have dealt with it and still functioning i must be strong and it will only make me stronger.

What i dont want is this to change me, i dont want to become bitter, i dont want to change as i am a good person i have just been made to feel bad over the last few years.

Have you dont anything other than this forum that has helped? Any advice?

Sending hugs back.xx

[cally1001]

Hi

No not heard anything for a few weeks now, absolutely nothing!

He has just dissapeard of the face of the earth, got a new flat, loads of money in his pocket, still got his job etc!

He has left with just his clothes no photographs no memories nothing, just feels like he has moved on without a thought for anyone but himself.

The rows were horrendous before he left so i take part blame for that, i had turned into a spy, checking phones, emails, pockets etc and he said he could not handle that and I should trust him (all the while he was still using)

He had a secret phone which i found full of drug dealers numbers etc and messages to and from them for pickups etc.

He says he has been uphappy for years yet we got married in Aug 2016!! Why marry someone if you are so unhappy with them I just dont understand it, then start to take even more cocaine once married.

I think he got in so deep he knew that he had to leave.

I take some comfort in thinking this he knew he could never do it and still have me.

Towards the end when he admitted he was using again he actually came home off his head (i had never seen this before as his binges would happen away from the house) and it was an eye opener, the come down included him on the couch half asleep screaming the devil was there in so much pain with his nose he was trying to pull it off (quite funny when you think about it NOT!) he was constantly blowing his nose so when he eventually went into a 2 day coma after bottles of gin and whatever else he could drink i looked in the tissue, it was bit of his nose! i took it to the Dr’s and they said it looked like the padding in his nose and he should go and get it checked out straight away.

it has been hell since Dec 2017, some good day but mostly bad.

I have lost 3 stone, my hair falling out etc and i have cried non stop since the beginning of November.

I have told my workplace and they have paid for counselling which is helping and i am tablets from the Dr.

I did attend some councelling with a charity for concerned family members but it didnt help it was all about the drugs and to be honest i am so fed up about drugs that its about me now.

Bluebell – no i dont have any support really, family gave up when he came back in March last year as they didnt want him to, the friends we had are all couples and i know it is awkered for them and they are as upset as me.

Being together so long you lose your identity and that is the hard part, i just work and come home and look at he walls and cry!! its pathetic really

I have been close to a nervous breakdown (think i may have had some sort) Xmas was the worst, to see my husband walk out of the house on Xmas eve was the worst and Xmas day is a blur i cant remember it.

The last time i spoke to him on the phone he said what are you clinging onto, i take drugs, if you want a future get a divorce. I am trying to sort myself out and just want you to be ok – Keep your chin up – KEEP YOUR CHIN UP to a wife who has supported him all this time its just a kick in the teeth.

Drugs aside i just think he wants a taste of the single life.

I am so up and down, one day i am extremely angry and them days are good because i hate him, but like today i am so upset and my mind will not stop thinking about him with other women etc!!

I still think he will stop (i know that is probably not likely) as he has told so many lies to his friends and family, he was doing it because he was unhappy with me, i was abusive, i was controlling etc which they believe – why wouldnt they (he is an expert in manipulation) so he now has to prove it was all true as he wont want them thinking bad of him!!!

[cally1001]

Hi All

I am in the same position of most of you guys.

Been with husband for 12 years married 2.5

Found out in Dec 17 he had been taking cocaine daily /crack on occasions.

3 months is hell on earth and he came back home full of promises but never stopped notthat I knew.

Told me the house we had worked so hard to get and do up was a trigger and I believed him and we sold 50k profit which he has half of (well what he will have left)

He left ME in Nov saying all what you have said, love but not in love, I am abusive, controlling, he was never happy etc.

Seen him few times Nov and Dec but after many rows he came xmas eve and said he had hurt his FAMILY to much and his job was important (after losing 2) and he wanted a divorce and walked out, he left me say there in stunned silence, all Xmas I sat on my own till 2 nd Jan!

He had txt to say he has changed and not a nice person and if I want a future divorce him.

The last 2 months I have believed it was all my fault and though if all the what I could have, should have said etc.

The man I married is dead he doesn’t exist!

He was using 100+ a day and the last time he was here he had a psychotic episode saying the devil was after him etc, he had never done it in front of me but this time he was too far gone!

We dint have kids which is a blessing although that was the plan when we got married as he is 42 and I am 40 so 2 years ago after getting our careers etc that was our plan but he chose drugs!!

After speaking to his sister he was an addict in his 20’s(someone could have told me!!) so him saying he was unhappy is a load of bull as he was already an addict and this was always going to happen.

Since he has gone I have found out he has done it all along for the 12 years but everyday for the last 2 years, also found dating sites on laptop all the usual which seems we have all been through.

This guy was as perfect as could be, a gentleman etc and respectful so I am mourning the loss of my husband, if he had died it would be final but this situation is horrendous!

I agree I worry he will meet someone else and they will get the good guy and he will believe he is happy but it will happy again and again.

I move into a new house next week me and the dog, he is god knows where as he has completely shut me out and disappeared.

Day by day that’s what I am doing.

He said for me to get a divorce, that convenient I have to pay for it so he gets to keep his money for his coke!

He can do it and I don’t care what reasons he gives as long as he pays for it.

Sorry for the rant????

[cally1001]

Just like to add we have been together 12 years and married 2 so its been a long time this lie has been going on.

[cally1001]

Hi All

Well I posted this on the 24th Nov.

I didn’t see him again until the 2nd of Dec when he turned up in a bad way and I stupidly let him stay.

I witnessed him withdrawing over 3 days which was horrendous (considering I have never been in the same room as people taking drugs or seen a comedown) the first night his face was in total agony and he was blowing his nose constantly, disgusting but when he was asleep I looked in one of the tissues and there was bits of his nose in it, it wasn’t snot (sorry) it was literally the padding out of his nose!

he woke up screaming saying it was the devil after him and he said the devil had my face and I was scratching at him (nice) when I woke up he was asleep on the couch and a bottle of gin and a bottle of wine where empty!

he then slept for 2 days, He then went into work for 4 days god knows how.

on the 7th day he seemed ok and he booked into the drug centre where we live, he txt to say it was horrible etc. 3 hours later he rang to say I have done it again!!! I came home from work thinking he would be gone but he was in the spare room coked off his head looking at the internet at what cocaine does to the body!!

Again he slept for another few days and then he missed work.

I didn’t know how to cope so was still questioning him which I know would have added to the stress but there is no handbook.

2 days later he was gone again after an argument.

He rang a few times and asked if he could come for xmas I said no I would spend it on my own (thinking this would make him realise how bad it was)

He came Xmas eve and told me he was LEAVING ME and to get a divorce and left.

I spent 25th Dec until the 2 Jan on my own in the house, no contact from him at all.

He contacted me on the 6th jan to say I take drugs, get a divorce if you want a future!!!

No contact since then.

I have just put a deposit on a rental property and I move in 2 weeks and I have blocked all contact.

I have been talking to a councellor from the icarustrust.org and having one to one with a charity called footsteps and also attended a group for concerned families but I realised these sessions where about him and I needed to speak to someone about what I needed to do. he takes vast amounts of drugs and I realise I will never get any answers.

I told my work what was happening and they have paid for counselling and we are working out what I need to do now with my life, its about me now him!!

I have lost over 2 stone, my hair started falling out, I have cried everyday since the 24th and I know I wont stop crying for a lot longer but I am coming to realise that is par the course.

I am still in the denial part, my family cannot understand but I am remembering the husband I fell in love with and not this stranger that appeared all those months ago.

He has killed my plans of a family one day I am 40 now, he will have spent most of his half of the profit from the house, so killed the other dream of the house we wanted.

After speaking with his sister he was an addict in his 20’s, no-one thought to tell me, and he has been doing it for the whole of our relationship (I had no clue) but got really bad 18 months ago so my whole relationship was a lie and that is what is hard to deal with.

I wish I could say I feel stronger but I don’t but I know I will, I just take each day as it comes.

I lay in bed wishing he would come home but I am now starting to think why would I want that, to leave at xmas and tell me all them lies, I deserve more than that!

I worry that he will stop and meet someone else and give them the life we should have had but if he does then he does and I will know for sure that he never cared.

He still blames me 100% for all this happening as he says he was unhappy, we got married 2 years ago!!

Hox

I wish I had some good advice for you but its painful and there is nothing you can do but go through it, its nearly 3 months for me and I didn’t think I would survive but I have and I am talking to you now, as I said day by day. I am here if you need to talk.x

Sorry for long post but good to get it off my chest.

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