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Hi kath, I can feel your sadness jump out of your post….I totally understand where you are coming from, and when a family member is going through addiction we just want to keep them safe and save them,,,,I did it for afew years, until my health was suffering and my family was suffering…it really sounds like you literally can’t go on, and why should you…sounds to me like this family member is calling all the shots… Take back your life Hunni, before it’s too late…this is their addiction, not yours…it’s your home,so why are you moving out when things get bad.?i think you’ve answered your own question Hunni….make the changes, and set boundaries….educate yourself, get to some groups for families, and look after you! Drugs take away the person we love and leave a stranger..it’s heart breaking…..I’m at the stage now that I love my son from afar…he never asks for money cause we don’t give him anything, he doesn’t live with us, and we will only see him when he isn’t under the influence of anything….I love my son completely, but only he can change…..
Your doing the right thing, by finding out, asking for help etc….a very good friend who I met on a group similar to this gave me wake up call,when she said this..” Your child is not a child, but an adult…and as adults we have consequences when we make bad decisions…why is your adult son any different.” ? And she was right….up until that point, we had set him up with his own place, paid his bills, helped him with shopping, clothes etc….a bottomless pit as far as he was concerned,not to mention the abuse if he couldn’t get his own way, the phone calls etc…..as for the whys…I still don’t know, other than I now know his triggers, when he’s going to relapse….I don’t think thry know why…my son tends to self medicate when things get too much….until he really wants to change the cycle, I’m resigned to the fact….. Educate yourself , get smart, and learn to say no…set boundaries if he’s living with you and stick to them hun…..I hope ive helped, and I truly hope he gets help xxx
You are not alone hun, there are so many parents whose kids are addicted ,whether it’s alcohol, drugs etc. I felt exactly the same when i found out…I didn’t want anyone to know. It took me a few years to come to terms with his addictions,Find out as much as I could about it, and the biggest thing was to stop enabling ….that meant no handing over money, locking away valuables, and never under estimating his manipulation. The biggest thing is he must want it…and that’s the hard part. We can support our kids, but just don’t make it easy for them..and I say that with a heavy heart, because even after my son nearly died through his addiction, the light bulb still didn’t go on for him….he does just enough to get by, so I’m now at the point that until he really wants it, I will take a back seat and love him from afar….stand tall, set boundaries, and stick to them…and stop feeling embarrassed…this is his addiction not yours…let him own it! Sending hugs x
Hi … How brave of you to ask for help …that’s your first step and a great decision…Adfam are a great resource and will point you in the right direction… Keep fighting to get clean, never give up…I wish you well hun xxxx
Addiction consumes the addict and everyone around them that cares and loves them. My son has been clean, then he relapses, then he’s clean again…just before xmas he OD and ended up on life support..being led to the relatives room, is something I had envisaged would happen, surreal, and with every inch of me, I wanted to turn and run…he was lucky…no lasting damage..I wanted to shout And scream at him, but knew it wouldn’t make a jot of difference…this is his fight…I will champion him when he is trying to help himself, but I’m damned if I will watch him kill himself….his fight continues…I hope he and others make it
Urgh, enough with these stupid posts
ADMIN these relationship posts are getting tiresome..it stops real people with problems off, from posting
Drugs change the person we know, and all that’s left is the shell….I’m so glad he’s getting help, that in itself is a step in the right direction. The truth is everything and working together , you both can get past this…..I truly hope things work out Hunni…..remember the addict has no conscience…..I’m glad he to,d you the truth, so you could make an informed decision about your future…hugs xx
This is hard,I know cause ive been there….like your daughter my son comes from a loving family…as soon as I knew him and his GF were doing drugs I gave them an ultimatum…they ignored it, so I contacted SS….a hard decision but one I had to make..social services worked with both of them and thankfully the situation became far better…they split up for a while,but remained friends and worked hard at their parenting.throughout all of it, I have supported…unfortunately my son is working to stop drinking.cause when he drinks ,drugs become involved….I don’t enable, and if he has a relapse he can’t see his child…it’s so hard, but your grandchild deserves to be safe…..can I just add, I use to think perhaps it was my fault, but there are plenty of kids who don’t do drugs…it’s the individuals choice….what I’ve learned is unless the addict really wants to get better, then the blame will a,ways fall in others.stay strong and hugs xx
Hi Cappuccino…..as a mother and grandmother,your responsibility has to lie with the child….I’ve talked to many grandparents in the same situation…3 years ago I was in a similar situation, my son had left his partner, who was struggling to cope with my GS and her other kids…both were into some form of addiction….and social services were called..I decided to try and support initially, however I could see my GS was not getting the care…after he fell down the stairs and was rushed to hospital. I knew I had to air my concerns and look out for him…my son and his GF hated it….but I don’t regret it. Thankfully they worked closely with SS and have since realised I’m not an ogre but a support system for them..All children deserve to feel loved, be safe and fed….
Maggie, it’s so hard to trust an addict….I never give money…..if he needs to eat, I buy meals…we have had our hearts ripped out, and it has effected all the fsmily and extended family…I have had to let every one know not to give cash…I use to feel embarrassed, but that’s gone now…I’ve stopped making excuses for him, and bailing him out….I know he can stay sober cause he’s done it for over a year….at the moment he’s trying to recover….only he can do it unfortunately ….stay strong Maggie,and hugs to you x
Hi Hunni….unfortunately your doctor is right….only your brother can save himself….rememver one thing…we are all responsible for ourselves and what we do..go to uni, enjoy your education, and make a life for yourself…As a mother of a son who is addicted to alcohol n drugs, it is up to them to want to change… It’s hard for his younger sister, but our priority is her….we don’t enable, just support when he wants recovery x
Drugs have a massive effect on a persons mental health…I see it with my son…he’s been doing drugs on and off for 8 years….I have seen it all! I won’t have him live with us , mainly because he’s so tempremental….and I don’t trust him! A good friend said to me if he’s old enough to put that shit in his body then he’s old enough to sort out where he lives….she has s point! Why is it that as parents we feel we need to take care of them..they are grown men ffs! I only see my son when he’s trying to help himself…I’m done with the self pitying bullshit..I am just as important as him, and if I’m stressed and anxious all the time, my fsmily suffer my health suffers and I’m no good for anything…..Winny Hunni, please don’t put up with it any more….you’ve had 3 heart attacks…please take care of yourself….xxxx
Hi KJ…….addicts have yhe knack to make us parents feel terrible….the lies never end..I’ve heard it all…people going to kill him, he’s going to kill himself, he needs money to pay dealers….ugh, it’s a nightmare …I knew nothing about drugs until my son was in court when he was 17 and it came out he had been unde the influence of cocaine and alcohol….he said it was the first tine and I believed him…he’s 25 on Sunday and we have had years of this bullshit…..he was doing really well,and was in recovery for over a year…he had a great job, great life, then relapsed.that was 2 months ago….today he went back to to his drug counsellor and made an appointment with his doctor….we will see! JS is right…it’s their journey, not ours…we may worry as parents but the addiction is theirs…hard for a parent to hear, because we can’t save them…I support my son only when he’s trying to stay clean……xxxx