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Hi onlyme. Feel very sorry for you. My late husband was an alcoholic, he also had the incontinence problem. I thought that it was from being a bedwetter as child which carried on into adulthood. It turns out that it’s actually a symptom of alcoholics, it’s very common for them and it’s shameful. I understand that you love him, but I also understand the total stress that this must be putting you under. I used to go to bed, set my alarm for 2am, get up, then try and coax my husband to bed. He had to sleep on a made up bed on the floor, as otherwise he would urinate in the bed. I don’t know how I coped with it……I left with my son who was 5 at the time ( now 16 and unscathed ). He used to refuse to wash the bedding in the morning and then I would be up again at 6am, after a chaotic night, to take my son to nursery, then to go to work. I paid all the bills and kept it all together. In the end it was just too much, I knew that I would die with the stress if I didn’t get away. Do you recognise yourself?? Think about what you are showing your 4 children. An alcoholic Father to them, is more useless than good. You have no obligation to continue with the situation. Let’s face it….you have 5 children. Really hope that you have the strength to leave, kick him out, whatever it takes. You don’t say how old the children are….I’m sure that they would be so grateful and thankful if you could remove everyone from the addict and the chaos that their selfish behaviour creates.
Hope that you find the courage to leave, think of your own health and that you have to be there for your children.
xxxxxxx Seeing it from your point of view only….
Hi Both of you,
I feel so so sorry for you both. I know the situation only too well, but I am many years past it now. My husband died 10 years ago and was an alcoholic, my Son was 5 at the time. We had already left him, due to his drinking.
My message is…you cannot stop them, the personal cost to yourselves and your own health is too great. It comes to a point of the fact that you must look after yourselves, before the suffering becomes too great. For children, they cannot be in a home with a parent who drinks to excess. It will be highly damaging for them.
Therefore, please put yourselves and your future child first. Don’t go back if you have left. It’s not your responsibility to keep the addicts alive, they are responsible for themselves. You have to be healthy to be a good parent to your child / children.
Only we know, the hardship living with a chaotic life of an addict. You both deserve normal lives. Take any means you can and leave the situation. Don’t worry about him threatening to take the baby away ( Georgina ), that’s nonsense. My ex used to threaten all kinds of things, I was petrified at the time. Ultimately he can’t even conduct his own life, let alone look after a child, anyone can see that. Keep evidence of everything that happens, he’s been sacked now and didn’t attend the conference, keep records of the dates of every event.
I wish you both luck and courage you beautiful souls, don’t let horrible addicts ruin your lives…get out.x
But the post and this site is for spouses, family members and close friends of addicts, not for the addicts themselves.
Hi Tired and tested, I don’t think that the message from HELP17 will help you..will it!
Just to give you some background on me, so that you know that I understand. My late husband was an alcoholic, he died in 2012. We were in the process of getting divorced because of his drinking and had separated when he died. My son was 5 when he died.
The reason that I chat on this site, is because of the damage that alcoholics do to their spouses and families, and there is little to no help for the people like you and me, who have been deeply affected by them and their drinking. I am 10 years on now and have exorcised most of the bad experiences, memories, flashbacks of terror that haunted me for many years.
Although your husband is sober now ( this is amazing actually and I think he will be in a minority as only 20% recover, or stop drinking I should say ). That still leaves you and the rest of your family, with the damage that he did to all of you.
You are not losing your mind. Living with an alcoholic is like being in the eye of the storm. Never knowing what this chaotic, selfish person, intent on destroying themselves will do next. You are suffering from post traumatic stress and it must be acknowledged and addressed. I think that you will need professional help with both of you going to counselling regarding this. A counsellor with some experience in dealing with the situation. Alternatively you could go with your children, so that you can all talk about it freely….or just go to counselling on your own. Al-anon were useless when I went to one.
I know what it’s like that you will be walking on eggshells not wanting to change the current sobriety. So maybe leave him out of the equation at the moment, just so that you can talk it all out, over as many times as necessary, to unburden yourself of all the bad experiences. I would just do this for you and not tell your husband. If it gets to the point that you feel you need his remorse etc, etc then work that out with the Counsellor at the time with regards to how to navigate that.
You have done a mighty job in bringing up the children given the situation and of course you will feel a lot of resentment as you did it all on your own. It sounds like you’ve been a Saint.
I’m very pleased that you are in a peaceful family now. You do not have mental problems, he inflicted it onto you ( and your children ) and only someone like me that dealt with an alcoholic understands what you’ve been through.
With that said, you are one of the lucky ones that he came out the other side of it….it’s rare.
Very good luck indeed, take all the time you need to talk it all out, over and over so that you can release all the hurt and pain. x
Hi there, please take care of yourself, your own health and your children. You cannot help your Mum………………….I’m sure that you’ve tried for years.
My husband was an alcoholic, but I suppose at first we used to call it his drink problem….how could we manage his drinking problem. The thing with alcoholism is that it gets progressively worse over time. I totally relate to your fears of finding her dead or having had an accident. I had to leave my husband and take my young child away at the time, to save us from the hurricane that surrounds an addict.
After time after time when we feared that he would die, he did actually die. But this was a release for us, his family and for him. I understand how badly her behaviour will have affected you and I’m so sorry for you. I think that you’re right in that you have to protect your own health, as it’s very harmful to experience all of the storm and chaos around an alcoholic. She is probably abusive to anyone who tries to help her.
Please don’t feel responsible for her…she should have been responsible and a Mother to you. Don’t let your children near her ( sounds like you haven’t anyway ), but it could be very harmful for them. Protect your own bubble…it’s not your fault.
Hi there, sounds like you should just leave her to it, she is way beyond any help at all. Focus on supporting your Partner’s and your own well being.
Hi there, I feel for you and your pain… so much. I am the widow of an alcoholic and he was my Son’s father. So I know all about this…
Drinking 2 bottles of wine a night is not normal, this is alcoholism, it will get progressively worse. You and your children don’t deserve to live with this man.
He will never stop. You must speak your truth…don’t hide it from family and friends. Better to upturn the home and ultimately live peacefully somewhere else. Even if this means that he will go into free fall…Only he can change…but it’s almost certain that he won’t. Why does he have the right to ruin 3 lives? At the moment he’s functioning, but it will worsen. If you need to discuss any of the real horrors as well ( I know about this ), you can with me….My heart goes out to you…I’m a survivor. Please put your own health and your children’s well being first.
Hi there, refuse to live in the hurricane…..all he says is in his addictive world, you are the sane one, you deserve the normal life. Cut all ties!! Remember an addict cannot be a Parent. Missing a child’s birthday is utterly unforgivable….Good luck.x
Hi Celeen,
Firstly I want to say that I understand where you are…I was married to an Alcoholic and left him with my Son ( then 5 ) after many years of suffering. I recognise everything you say, it’s a horror story and no one knows, as we never hear about the destruction that addicts are doing to their partners and families….we only ever hear about them.
Him being in rehab gives you the window to escape and construct a life for you and your children only. An addict is not a fit Parent and can never be in charge of children. For goodness sake! You are not the selfish one!!
Why should you have to stay on the rollercoaster / live in the eye of a hurricane which is not of your making anymore. Stay strong, get strong. Tell the School, tell everyone. I know how you feel shame in this, but in hindsight I wish I’d told everyone sooner and therefore asked everyone for help.
He and he alone is responsible for his well being and safety. I’m sure that you’ve tried for all these years to help him, but he still won’t help himself. As you say, so much damage has already been done to you and your children. Cut off, get out, get away, so it’s just you and the children. Him going to re-hab ( and the family invitation ) letter are proof that he’s an addict. You are the responsible therefore primary carer. GOOD LUCK, routing for you! You sound strong, and that’s why he’s attached to you…You can do it!
not responsible for him.
Hi Finlou38, I really feel for you and your children. I was married to an Alcoholic and I have one Son. I had to leave the family home because my husband’s drinking was out of control. He died in 2012, my Son is now 15, we left when he was 5.
I know how exhausted you must feel, with a little baby and another child. You must think of yourself and your children. You cannot be a Mother to them if you’re going through constant trauma with your Fiance’s drinking.
If he’s drinking daily, the problem will only get progressively worse. It’s not your job to worry about his mental state….your duty is to yourself and your children. His duty is to you and your children ( he is fufilling neither ).
Please find a way to leave the relationship / home. Please tell everyone and get help. Do you have anyone who can help you leave?
It won’t get better I’m afraid. You wouldn’t be the one breaking up the family! He is creating that with his unacceptable behavior. Perhaps the useful organisations, in the Help for Families, on the menu bar, on this site can help.
I know that it’s so difficult to leave when you have a young baby, but please muster up the courage to leave or break up with him some how.
Routing for you. You are now responsible for him. Also you need to get your children away before they become affected by the situation.
Very good luck, you can do it, reach out.
Meanwhile, record and document everytime he’s drunk etc in a diary.
You don’t need to be ashamed it’s not you doing this….
Dear Anyfuture. I am the widow of an alcoholic, he died in 2012, we seperated in 2010. Just telling you this, as I understand so well ( unfortunately ) your situation. My Son was 4 nearly 5, when I had to flee the family home.
I feel so desperately sorry for you, it’s outrageous that all the focus is on the addict and that there is no help for the spouse like you, and Mother, holding it all together and paying for everything, working etc, etc.
The dark side of the incontinence, in your case the soiling, in my late husband’s case the urinating. I used to get him to wear a nappy, he could not sleep in the bed, he ruined a mattress and a very expensive sofa, is difficult to talk about. It’s typical of an alcoholic!!
NONE of this is your fault, or YOUR responsibility!. At least you can stay and your child can stay at your Parents. You’ve got to somehow get him into rehab and then put your house on the market to sell. Record everything that’s happening, document it in your diary, so all the times, dates are recorded. I know what it’s like when your in the eye of the hurricane, but you must do this.
My husband was eventually sectioned, and forced into rehab ( by his father ). He was a danger to himself and to others. Although this was private rehab, is there any way that you could raise the funds to send him there, this would be for a Month and in that time you could arrange to get away.
Like me, it’s a no brainer choice that you have to make. Your child or him? You need to get your child out of the environment and you need to get yourself out of the environment, so that you can be healthy to look after your Son.
There is no hope for the alcoholic, he sounds like he is really in an advanced state.
I understand the checking that he’s still alive…. This went on for years. The doctor can prescribe diazepam to break the addiction cycle, but it’s short lived as, when they take another drink it starts all over again.
I’m so glad that you’ve told his friends and family and your work. This was one of the hardest things for me, not telling work and others.
Are you able to afford to rent a furnished flat perhaps? Get away, don’t tell him the address. Remember the alcoholic ( and you do need to realise that the person that you fell in love with is now absorbed by the addiction ), is useless on their own. Any threats that he may make are empty, the furthest he will get is to get to the shop to get alcohol. As you say, he’s a danger to himself……………let him go, that’s not your fault. If he ends up arrested or in hospital…………not your fault. You have to put yourself and your Son first!! He didn’t do that!!!
Really routing for you. Somehow get away, whether it’s staying at your Parents or renting somewhere else? Figure out how to get him out of the house after that.
Wishing you the best. I lived it, and remember, my Son and I survived it!
I now have a normal Partner. You will get through this and live a normal life.xxxxx
Hi, the anger that you carry is typical for people close to or directly dealing with an alcoholic. I am the widow of an alcoholic, he died in 2012. I hated him at the end, he hated me and he hated his family, even though we’d all rescued him repeatedly and tried to help him.. to no avail.
I would say it took me 7 years for the anger to subside. The amount of stress that they put you through is phenomonal and like you, instead of seeing this as a disease, I believe that it was always my husband’s choice to stop, but he didn’t. They are totally selfish, completely unaware of what they’re doing to everyone around them and in denial that they have a problem.
You mention that he soiled himself. My husband was regularly incontinent due to heavy drinking ( usually urine not the other ), but this is one of the most difficult aspects of the condition to talk about. This is typical of an addict, with hindsight I know this, I didn’t at the time. He once urinated all over a leather sofa that cost £2k by accident of course…but it was ruined. It makes your skin crawl and it’s the horror of it. I too hated my husband for years.
I eventually reached a place of forgiveness, but it took years. I still have flashbacks of what I went through with it, but I’m now living a happy life.
But I have tremendous empathy for you and I’m writing to you, as when I was dealing with it, there was little to no support for partners and families. Al-anon were useless.
I would advise you to cut all contact with your brother, he doesn’t deserve to see you or your Son. It sounds like he is in a very advanced state of alcoholism and cannot be helped unless he does it himself.
I really relate to your pain and your anger…why should he be doing this to you, it’s affecting you. Just try to cut him out, tell him he’s never welcome again at your house. I do feel sorry for his wife, although you say that she is unstable as well.
You will just have to leave him to it and not get drawn into it. At least you are not living with him every day!! As you say the visit was bad enough, imagine what it’s like every day!.
I’m hoping that you can find peace for yourself and your family, and block out the menace. xx
Hi Mary, I’m afraid I understand this situation and your suffering only too well as I am a widow of an alcoholic, he died in 2012. I had to flee the family home and take my then 5 year old Son with me. I had tried to help him for 5 years and found out during the marriage that he had been in rehab 10 years before we met, he went to rehab two more times but it didn’t work. It got progressively worse over time. A ‘drink problem’ became full blown alcoholism. At the end we all had to just let go, even his family…I had to choose looking after my Son and to preserve my own health and sanity so that I could be a good Mother to my Son.
I also believe that it’s a choice..my husband got sober over and over again and always chose to take a drink over us, anything and everything. The drink won over everything. Myself and his Father, rescued him over and over again. In the end we couldn’t keep doing it, my Father in law had cancer, he died 2 years after my husband. So at least he had 2 years free of it.
Please don’t feel that you are to blame in any way. The addicts are completely selfish, unaware of what they are doing to other people and they are self centered and very weak. As you say, losing her children hasn’t made her stop, I left and took my Son with me, this didn’t make my husband stop, although I know that he loved us dearly. It’s so sad and heartbreaking to see someone that you love, destroying themselves. It’s true you can’t help anymore, only someone like me who’s lived it can understand the suffering that you are going through.
When my husband died it was relief and release from it all. He was released from the torment of the addiction and we were released from the terrible strain of it. Living in the eye of a hurricane.
I feel very sorry for you. As you say, you will just have to try to detach for your own sanity. At least you no longer have the worry of her caring ( not caring ) for her children anymore, that must have been horrendous. I know I had all that with the threat of my husband wanting to take my Son, when he wasn’t even capable of looking after himself!!
I send you peace and hope that you can block it out to come back to your own life.xx. It’s her choice to ruin her life. You can’t help her at the expense of your own health and life.
Hi….just for background I am a widow of an alcoholic. So I understand only too well.
My advice is, this is affecting you mentally and physically ( just as it did me and would anyone in your situation ). I know all the shameful things they do.
This website did not exist when I was going through this. Thank goodness it does and that is why I’m writing to you. You do not deserve to have your life, your health and future happiness hijacked by a weak addict. Never mind the challenges of the addict. What about you? It’s ruining your life. Get out, leave, move on, move out.
Get out of the relationship, you are not responsible, it’s not your behaviour. Your partner never told you about this, believe me, it’s too much to deal with.
Get out and good luck!