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Hi there, I’m afraid that your boyfriend is definitely an alcoholic, this behaviour will only worsen as he gets older. The quantity and frequency of consumption is not normal and the passing out, waking up and taking another drink is key…this is not normal. I speak as a widow of an alcoholic.
For you it’s best if you leave and move out of this situation. You say that the friend’s are encouraging ( I had this as well ), but of some of them may also have a problem and / or otherwise they have no idea of the extent of the horror of it!
It sounds like you don’t have children, which is good, because you can get away.
You have a right to your own life, he is responsible for his. My husband was in denial that he had a problem right up until he died, even though he’d been to rehab 3 times. It didn’t work….
The fact that the family also have a problem and possibly some of the friends….let them deal with him then. You deserve a better life than this, he does not think of your well being…..this is all wrong!! Leave never turn back and don’t give him contact details. Good luck!
Hi there, the reason that I took my Son away from his father ( who was an alcoholic), was that I didn’t want my late husband doing to my Son, what he was doing to me.
That is, holding him there saying that it’s love, which is what he did to me for five years. It was sucking the life out of me and I know that I would have become very ill and I had to be ok to be there as a Mother for my Son. So I chose my Son over my husband as he was an innocent child. He is now 15 and was never affected by his father’s behaviour because I left when he was 5 and my husband died eventually from alcohol in 2012.
Now I see you, it’s so sad for you that you’re in this position. You say that their addiction continues to rule..these words haunt me. You must see that you are entitled to live your own life without this. You are not responsible for her, on the contrary, she was supposed to be responsible for you! Even though you are now 25, I can understand the suffering that you have been through, only too well, because I lived it.
My advice is leave…move as far away as you can, move in with friends or a partner ( make sure that they are normal! ) and don’t tell her where you’re going. Save yourself, no one will blame you. She is the person gravely at fault here. I just hope you get the courage to leave and if anything happens to her, then like me and my husband’s family did when he died, we just all felt a massive sense of relief and the fact that my husband was also now free of the torture of addiction. So don’t worry about the future, you must block it out, leave and live your own life!!
See helpline numbers
I’ve sent you a long message, but I put lots of full stops in it, and I think that they are checking first before you can see it. Just wanted to let you know this, as you’re not alone.
Hi there, you don’t say how old you are. I am a widow of an alcoholic…so I understand that part very well. If you are younger perhaps tell a Teacher, your Doctor or call Childline …not sure which country you are in? Otherwise tell an Adult that you trust. Don’t cover for them, tell someone what’s really going on.
I don’t think that it’s healthy for you to be living with an addict. On this website look under Help for Families – Finding Support perhaps.
So sorry that you are dealing with this as a younger person as well. It’s a complete nightmare for anyone living with an addict, please reach out and get help. You may be able to get help to get your own council place, to enable you to get away. Good luck.
So sorry to hear of your suffering……..I understand your situation only too well. I was married to an alcoholic ( who is the father of my Son ), we were together for 5 years, over which he got progressively worse. I eventually had to take my child away for his and my own safety and well being. My husband died of alcoholic poisoning in 2012…10 years ago now.
Anyhow….this is not about me…..I just want you to understand that I have been where you are now….and I know there is little to no help out there for the partners, family who are next to an addict and dealing with them on a daily basis.
You have to understand that how your partner is behaving is typical of an alcoholic…………….It’s essential for them to suck the energy out of someone else to survive. You are the person to blame, to abuse, to push around. The alcoholic feels worthless…………….it’s not you!!!!! You are the sane normal one….I know it’s like living in the eye of the storm. I feel so…bad for you.
I recognise what you say about….you stayed off work to help him…..I had this….I also had a child that I couldn’t leave with him. No doubt he’s keeping you up all night as well.
You must wake up and recognise that this is not love ( they call it that…but it’s not love… to destroy you ). You also are protecting him, because no one can know….
you must also get over this and tell people that you trust. Never mind if it’s going to cause him problems, legal issues?! Without you he’d soon have to face the consequences! It’s his problem, his behaviour….it’s his shame….not yours!
You must get the strength to leave and get away from this toxic relationship. For your own health and sanity. You don’t mention children…so it’s easier to get away.
Please understand that this is what they do……he’s holding you there….like a prisoner. Break free….so that you can live a normal life in the future with someone who isn’t an addict.
He is controlling your life….you can’t reason with a drunk. He does have a drink problem….which progresses into full blown alcoholism eventually. My husband also threatened to kill himself….
Please tell me that you can make a plan to leave. Routing for you…
Hi SomeBloke, yes I did wonder whether it was an old post. I’m just doing this because when I was in your situation….there was no support. Al-anon were useless.
Please muster up the courage to leave. I also understand the shame that you may feel and that you may worry that people are thinking that you are guilty by association. To be honest, it’s obvious who is the capable Parent and who isn’t.
Please make plans to leave. The Addict will hang on to you ( under the guise of calling it Love ), this is not Love, it’s suffocation. Unfortunately if you stay, your Son will also get sucked into this and feel that he has to hide it from everyone, etc, etc and won’t be living a free life. I saw this with teenagers with Parents with an alcohol or drug addiction in the Priory ( my husband was in there, more than once, it didn’t work ). I thought….I’m not letting that happen to my Son….!! You must get away for both of your sakes. x
Hi emma, You don’t say how old you are. Go to your family Doctor and tell your story. Or tell your Teachers at School, if you are younger. You need to be removed from this situation, it’s not right or a normal enviroment. If in a dangerous situation call 999.
Hi Daniela,
I was married to an alcoholic who eventually died. I had to escape with my son to save myself and my child. It sounds like you don’t have children, which is good.
My advice to you is…..it will never change. You sound young. Please don’t waste any more of your time on him and cut all ties. Only he can help himself, nothing that you do will make any difference. You have to think of yourself, save yourself and leave.
Don’t let him around your new place, don’t tell him the address, he will only come around and try to get you to help him in a collapsed state. My late husband also turned up threatening to kill himself, my son was hiding under a table. Don’t let him come around. Routing for you!! Leave!!!x
Hello both,
I’m so sorry for you both!!! That is both of you the partners of alcoholics…………..not the addicts!!
I was married to an alcoholic, it was a whirlwind romance, I was pregnant very quickly ( so I understand the tie to try to stay together because of a child ). We were together for 5 years, the ‘drink problem’ got progressively worse, he went to rehab more than once ( didn’t work ). It was like hell, it became full blown alcoholism and he died in 2012. I had to leave in 2011 with my then 4 year old son.
Anyhow, I’m here to try to give you some words of advice.
Jchrist11 : You mention your vows!!! Jchrist! wake up, is he keeping them??
This is what an addict depends upon, under the guise of love he’s keeping you there..This is not love, this is dependance and control. He is living off your energy.
Please get out of this relationship, and give yourself a chance of survival mentally.
SomeBloke: Hello, so sorry for you. You describe the situation so well. When you’re with someone, you think it’s them and their unique personality and experience.
I have the benefit of hindsight and reflection…..all alcoholics behave the in the same way. You need to take your little boy and leave!! I had to leave when my son was 4. He’s now 15 and has not been affected by living with an alcoholic, I had to leave for his sake and my own. You must do the same, before the child becomes affected. I recognise the agression you describe. You are right about the brain changing. Its sounds like she’s in an advanced state. My husband was in denial until the day he died. It will be all your fault according to the addict.
This must be affecting you deeply, please rescue yourself and your son. Making your son a priority is by leaving not staying….this is no Mother, even is she shows flashes of it.
Don’t worry about you being the man leaving etc…there are many female alcoholics too. The worry of not being believed used to get to me too. Gather evidence, take pictures of her passed out, film her ( without comprimising your safety ), document and date things. My husband used to threaten me that he would take my son away ( his brother was a lawyer ). It turned out after his death, that my brother in law, knew nothing about it. I had letters from the Priory etc anyway and had gathered evidence to prove that he was an alcoholic.
Your son does not need an alcoholic as a Mother. Hoping that you find the courage to get out of the situation.x
Dear cf1980,
I’m so sorry for you…unfortunately I absolutely understand your situation. My husband was an alcoholic and we were together for 5 years. I have a son, who was 4 when we eventually had to leave. My husband died of alcohol poisoning in 2012.
Anyhow, it’s about you right now and your situation. My advice would be that however much you love him, you must know that this must be making you ill, possibly killing you?! I eventually had to leave the family home with my son because as much as I loved my husband… this is alcoholism. The condition gets progressively worse and all the focus will be on him, but you are a victim in this….If you have the financial means ( you don’t mention children ), then make plans to leave him, get out of the relationship, move. There is a great deal of pity out there for the Addicts, but I understand the anger that you must be carrying right now. It has affected me for years and society is not recognising that Addicts destroy people around them as well. My concern is for you… the hardworking person, paying all the bills, carrying the load!
Addicts are essentially selfish, wreckless people. He is with you because you are strong. I used to describe it as ‘ I feel like I’m wearing a lead overcoat and he is dragging me down, drowning me. I have to be healthy and sane for my son. If I don’t take it off………I’ll go down with him!! You sound like a normal, decent person.
YOU deserve better! I’m afraid that he won’t change. You are strong enough to get out of this. Wishing the best for you.x