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Hi all,
Hope everyone is ok, I think about everyone often and do read everything on the thread, sometimes I can’t bring myself to join in because I can’t get my head around what we all have to go through, hope that makes sense.
Lindyloo I hope your Son is still doing well, you and he should be very proud.
Bump, sorry to read about your Son being in hospital, I hope he is continuing to improve and engaging with the new hostel.
Jem, I also have a Son with a very messy room, and sometimes I can’t stand it any longer and cave in and clean it. I agree with Jenny and try and get him to come out of his room more often.
My Son is very up and down, I think his Mental Health is possibly worse that I thought, he does take medication. He has got himself involved with another woman, who also likes a drink, which as you can imagine is not a good combination, and I know he has had a drink when he has been with her. The trouble is he stays over some nights and then I have had him not going to work, which really makes me angry, then we fall out, and then everything is my fault yet again, it’s like a viscous circle, and I am getting very tired of it. He says he has not had cocaine, which I have seen no signs of. When he was using before, I used to find the little plastic bags that it comes in and other things, I haven’t seen any of this.
Do I take a step back and just let him get on with it? Do I ask him to leave? I do not allow him to drink in my house, and won’t. For the last 5 weeks he has gone to work every day, so I suppose he has been making an effort.
Just putting this down has helped and i know it’s not as bad as some people’s problems, but I could never go back to what it was.
Thinking of you all, take care.
Dx
Hi Davetall,
Sorry for your name wrong last night.
My Son always tells me that he has alcohol first and then cocaine, most people say they go hand in hand.
My own experience with the drugs when my Son was using was, lies, manipulation, no money and would do anything to get it, and quite honestly it was like living in hell, mood swings, and sometimes very angry, especially if they think that you know what they are doing, if that makes sense.
If I can answer any more questions, please ask, I know that I would have found it very useful. Adfam is a great place to read other people’s stories and lots of good advice.
Take care.
Dx
Hi Davegarf,
Welcome to the Forum, a great place to share your story and be in contact with people in similar situations.
I am the Mum of an addict (alcohol and cocaine), although doing well at the moment.
Your Mum needs to stop giving him money, this is just enabling him to get what he wants, addicts are very manipulative people and do it very well. Hindsight is a very good thing, and if I could have the last 10+ years back, I would do it so different, my number one thing would be to not give them any money, they have to reach rock bottom, and then they might realise that they really need help.
There is lots of help out there, at the moment it is on line meetings, they don’t have to speak, but they can listen and realise that they are not alone in their addiction.
For families of addicts there is the Icarus Trust, where you can talk to people who are and probably have been in the same situation.
There is hope, but only if the addict really wants to be helped..
Keep in touch on here and never think that you are alone.
Take care
Dx
Hi Catsmum,
Just reply when you can, it’s not a problem.
That’s the thing about the stories, they are all the same, the addicts do the same things, lies, manipulation, the money side of it is awful and all in all it’s very draining and not good for our own Mental Health, all they think about is themselves.
We make it too easy for them by paying their drug debts, good on you for not caving in.
Have a great week with your Husband, you both deserve your own time.
Take care.
Dx
Hi Catsmum,
Welcome to the Forum, a place where you will find lots of Mums in the same, sad situation, but if it’s any comfort to you, it’s a great place to share your story and chat to people.
I am also the Mum of an addict (alcohol and cocaine), and I’m sure you will agree, it is like living in hell.
Never think this is your fault, although they have a lovely way of blaming everything on us.
I don’t know whether you have read any other threads on here, but read the Theresa one, there are about 6 Mums, all with Sons that are addicts.
Being able to come on Adfam has helped me a lot, nobody judges you, we are all in a similar situation.
Sometimes addicts in Recovery will respond on here and they truly understand what we are going through and are very helpful.
The situation also affected my marriage, but really you need to stick together and give each other support. Your Son will not get help unless he is ready too, do you think he is ready or wants to?
Take time for you and your husband. Hindsight being a wonderful thing, I wished I had found Adfam a long time ago, just to be able to chat with people.
Addicts only think of themselves, so perhaps you and your husband should start thinking about yourselves at the moment, it’s very hard, but small steps.
Please keep in touch on here, and take care.
Dx
Hi Draninedandtired,
Hope you are ok, or as ok as it gets living with an addict.
I am the Mum of an addict in Recovery, so can totally understand where you are coming from. In a word it’s like living in hell.
I think you need to ask yourself what is he giving to the relationship? He pays no money for childcare and doesn’t help with other things, you have done this all yourself, so you can do it, never give up that thought, look after yourself and your little one.
Keep in touch on here, it’s a great place for a little bit of sanity.
Take care
Dx
Hi Danman83,
Well done, that’s brilliant, keep going, you should be proud of yourself.
Dx
Hi Ka123
Welcome to the Forum, where lots of people are in similar situations to yourself and where you can find lots of really helpful advice.
I am the Mum of an addict (alcohol and cocaine), think they go hand in hand with each other. My Son is in Recovery, but I can appreciate what you are going through with your boyfriend.
The sad thing is, they are all the same, they blame everyone else for what’s wrong in their lives, they lie, steal and I think they only ever think of themselves.
Your Boyfriend will only ever try to get help when and if he wants too. You say about letting it run it’s course, the only thing this addiction will do is ruin his life and yours.
Do his Parents know about his addiction? If you feel like you can talk to them, then I certainly would as he lives with them.
Feel free to chat on here anytime, I always find it really helpful.
Take care.
Dx
Hi DHF19,
Welcome to the Forum.
I am the Mum of an addict in Recovery, and I fully understand what your Mum and Dad are going through, it’s not nice having to tread on egg shells in their own home and putting up with mood swings and stealing.
Be there for your Parents as I’m sure you are.
My Son has been to Rehab, you don’t have to get the Police involved, but it is very costly but well worth it.
There are always on line meetings that your brother could take part in, but, only if he wants too, he is the only one that can make the decision that he needs help.
Can you try and talk to him when he is not high, or is there someone else who could talk to him?
There is lots of useful advice on the Forum and you could also contact the Icarus Trust.
Take care and keep in touch on here, I hope things improve very soon for your Parents.
Dx
Hi Danman83,
So good to see you are doing well, and feeling good about yourself. I think it’s good that addicts can come on and show people the other side and that there is always hope.
My Son is struggling at the moment, but I think a lot of it is down to his Mental Health, he’s got himself into a rut and won’t or can’t get himself out of it at the moment, he needs to go back to the meetings, he told me that they really help. He used to be nervous about Sharing in the meetings, but I know after he had done it he felt really good, good luck for later.
Take care, one day at a time. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Dx
Hi Boring123 (I’m sure your not boring),
Welcome to the Forum. I’m sure you feel better for just being be able to share your story. It’s a great place to come and get advice from people in similar situations.
I certainly don’t think that you are looking too much into the situation. Your Husband seems to be drinking an awful lot and drinking a bottle of wine before he comes in means he’s also trying to hide his drinking as well. When he’s not drinking, could you try and talk to him?
I would be quite concerned especially as you are meant to be trying for a baby, do you think he feels under pressure about this?
Don’t think that you are alone, keep in touch on here.
Take care.
Dx
Hi Everyone,
Sorry to hear that you are not well Bump and Lindyloo, please take care and look after yourselves.
My Son has been struggling for the last couple of months, but all down to him putting himself in situations that don’t suit him. He started seeing this woman, which is fine until I found out that she has her own problems. He started missing work, one day a week and sometimes 2 days, and I could see a pattern forming. If he stayed over at hers, he probably wouldn’t go to work the next day and not come home till later in that day when I got home from work, and he told me that he had a drink, I asked him how many, he said 4 cans, so you can double that and say 8. This went on for a few weeks, not drinking at home, because I won’t allow it, and he has his daughter in the week and every other weekend. His mood changed, and was causing arguments. He has not resorted back to cocaine thankfully, but the other night he was particularly vile, so I’m afraid I lost it big time, it takes me a lot to lose my temper, but quite frankly I had had enough, I told him not to come home, he could collect his clothes and be done with it. I have never told him this before, and I think it shocked him. Sometimes I think this is what they need, they really don’t realise how we have to live and quite honestly it gets very wearing. Obviously we will always love them, but sometimes it’s good just to take a step back and think of ourselves for a change.
The last two days he has been a different person, and chatted and admitted that he knows that if he continues to see this woman that he will end up in the same place as he was this time last year.
I take each day as it comes. He is on medication for his Mental Health, and knows that to go forward on the right path it has to be total abstinence from alcohol.
Think of you all often, thank god I found Adfam.
Take care and keep in touch.
Lindyloo, your Son is doing amazing, long may it continue ????
Dx
Hi RosesHT36,
Welcome to the Forum, a great starting point for you to chat with other people in similar situations.
I am the Mum of an addict (alcohol and cocaine), it’s like living in hell, I’m sure you can relate to that. The thing is every time I read about the people taking alcohol and cocaine they are all the same, starting the arguments, lying, just doing what they want with no thought of what they are doing to the people around them, and I think because they are addicts, they really don’t care, it’s very sad.
It is an illness, but unfortunately they are the only ones that can decide that they have a problem and really want to do something about it, until then it’s going round in circles.
Take care of yourself first, it affects us all in different ways. You could talk to the Icarus Trust, they would know exactly what you are going through, never think that you are on your own. I find this site great to read other other people’s stories.
Keep in touch on here.
Take care.
Dx
Hi Lindyloo,
So great to see your Son is doing so well, I bet your over the moon, and they are so much better to deal with. It’s a great achievement, long may it continue, so pleased for you.
Honestly reading some of the stories on here makes me so sad and there are so many in the same situation, it’s a cruel world, I really wish I could help everyone, but that’s a distant dream, and it makes you realise that there are other people in much worse situations than ours.
I hope you are keeping well.
Take care.
Dx
Hi Gino,
Welcome to the Forum.
It’s so bloody hard being parents to someone who is an addict. I am the Mum of an addict (alcohol and cocaine), I sometimes wish I could forget about it all, but that would be far too easy. As you say there are so many parents in the same situation, I find it all very very sad. The sad thing about it is that it is only the addict who can decide when they need help, until they do this there is the life of hell living with them.
There is help out there once they decide to reach out.
You can speak to the Icarus Trust who will know exactly what you are going through. Read the Theresa thread on here, there is about 6 Mums all with Sons who are addicts, I find it very helpful to read the other stories.
Most importantly take care of you and your husband, having each other for support is a good thing.
Keep in touch on here, take care.
Dx