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Hi, I am not sure whether yours bf has stopped using as the erratic behaviour and confidence sounds more like someone who is still using. Sounds desperate but I would check my son’s pockets etc and look for signs he was still using ie small plastic packets, straws, paper rolled up
Hi, my son is in his early 30s but has been using cocaine on and off for approx 10 years. This has resulted in two relationship breakdowns. He has two children, one with each, eldest 11 yrs old. He has had periods of not being able to see his kids and just recently he is back in touch with them. I know exactly where you are coming from. My son moved back in with us for a time, we thought we had got him sorted and back on track but as soon as he started earning again he got confident and started using again. Like you it was very difficult to know when he was using or not as he obviously hid it from us. They say that when using their pupils enlarge but we struggled to notice this. His behaviour was always erratic i.e. one minute loud and confident, next grumpy and tired. Next day he would be sniffing a lot too. Eventually my son went self employed but couldn’t even maintain this and kept letting people down. He is now living with someone and I haven’t seen him since November 18. He ignores calls, texts for months on end and then we may get the odd text i.e. he sent me a text last week saying Happy Mother’s Day!! Like you we can’t talk to him about ‘coke’ as we think he is denying using but there is no other reason why the long periods of no contact. All we can say is that unless your son wants to quit there is little you can do. We have supported our son when he went to a drug counselling service and other groups but he never stuck at it. We also tried counselling ourselves which may help you deal with it. Look up your local NHS mental health/drug addiction service and ask about support for family members. I have watched one of Louise Clarke’s videos on YouTube and bought the book. It helped me understand more and I told my son I could help him but he didn’t respond. Hope this helps and good luck. Any other questions just ask. Danman also has good advice and gives hope for quitting but like he said they have to want to quit.
Hi Gil, it sounds like it is verbal abuse caused by alcohol and it’s not acceptable. When he is sober I would be telling him all the vile things he has said and how much stress it is causing you. Does he know he has a problem? Do you think he wants to do something about it? You need to have a serious discussion with him when he is sober. Good luck.
Hi Bella, yes your messages are coming through fine. I really do feel for you. It doesn’t sound like he is committed to quitting although he does go to the meetings. Perhaps he would benefit from 1-1 meetings with a counsellor. My son did this for a while. I think if it is a group meeting individual people can just go along with it and maybe take a back seat. Just advice but what about if you put your foot down and said you aren’t prepared to stay with him if these are the choices he is making. My son has ended up losing two good relationships with his partners and not seeing his two children for quite some time. He is back seeing his kids now and he messaged me the other day but that’s after a few months of no response. I am doubtful that he has stopped as he has been doing this off and on for 10 years now. It’s early days for you but like I said before if he continues it will only get much worse. I’m not trying to scare you just prepare.
You take care and let me know how you get on x
Hi Bella, sorry to hear about your situation. If you read some of the other posts you will find others in the same position as yourself so you are not alone and you may be able to get some info. With regard to your situation if your partner doesn’t want to stop there is little you can do and sorry to say but it will only get worse. It depends if you want to stay with him if he is going to continue taking cocaine. He has admitted he has a problem but what does he intend to do about it? Perhaps encourage him to attend the CA meetings again. Don’t know how close you are to his parents but my son’s exes would hint to us that he wasn’t sleeping at night etc.
Not sure if this will help . . .
Hi Hox, well I got a text off my son on Sunday wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day and that he had got me a card. I text him back to say how pleased I was to hear from him and could he bring the card next week on Mother’s Day. He said he would and that he thinks of me every day, I replied me to about him. I then cried for a while. Whether I will see him or the card on Sunday I don’t know but I suppose it is a start and just to have something rather than nothing feels so good.
How are things going with you and your situation?
Thanks for your thoughts, much appreciated.
I feel for you and your family. If your husband doesn’t think he has a problem then I suppose he wouldn’t consider going to AA. However, maybe there is an AA support group that you could go to yourself. Would your husband go to the doctors as it does seem that he has got mental health issues. Have you got anyone else you could talk to i.e. family or friends. You take care . . .
I think this is good advice for your sister about stepping away. She needs to concentrate on herself and her new baby. Your support is great and it sounds like she needs it. Apart from the support groups that should be available is there anyone else near to her she can get support from ie other family, friends . . .
Hi Danman, just checking up on how you are doing. Hope you are still back on track after your little relapse. What have you been up to?
Still no contact from my son. Text him to say I can only think there is one reason he has not been in touch and how much he is hurting me – nothing back. He is back seeing his kids but I still think he is using. That’s the only reason I can think of that he hasn’t been in touch with me. I don’t want them to get hurt again if he lets them down, which is what usually happens. It really gets to me when we see his exe and her husband and family enjoying going out for a meal and doing normal things. Don’t get me wrong I am so pleased for them and our grand-daughter. Or when I see his friends in Morrisons again just shopping with their families. I just want my son to be doing normal things and at this moment in time I don’t think he ever will. I just don’t know how this is all going to end and it’s all out of my control.
Hi Gil, unless your partner wants to quit himself there is very little you can do for him. They become totally emotionless and can switch off from everything other than their addiction. I don’t want to tell you what to do but I fear that things are only going to get worse. If you yourself need help or advice there should be a local drug advisory service in your area. You can also get advice from the Icarus Trust. Best of luck.
You just keep focussing on staying clean. You seem to be doing all the right things. I wish my son was doing the same but as he is not in contact don’t know. It’s good that you have spoken to your wife now and I really hope that you are both able to work it out together. I wish you loads and loads of luck with your recovery.
Hi Michelle, I really feel for you. My son is much older, 32, and I have not spoken to him or seen him since November 18. He has been using cocaine for over 10 years and this has resulted in 2 relationship breakdowns and him not seeing his children. He now lives with his gf so I know he is safe but is probably still using. Over the years he has lived with us and we have bailed him out financially and supported him many times. It seems to me that you have already taken drastic steps i.e. moving home. I understand what you mean about all the mum things and it breaks my heart that my son does not communicate with me. Have you any idea where your son can be? Is he at college? Does he have any friends who he could be staying with? As part of his police conditions has he not got to take part in drug counselling etc. For yourself maybe you could get in touch with a local drug counselling service for you as a parent. I am not sure if any if this helps as your son is much younger. I am sure that if your son needs you he will contact you but maybe you have to be tough with him. The one thing that Imhave learned is that no matter how much you offer your support unless he wants to stop taking drugs nothing much will change. I wish you all the best and feel free to ask anything else.
Hi Jen, I think what you have done and still doing for your mum is absolutely commendable. It’s very difficult because until your mum realises that she has a problem you are going to struggle to help her. What about her husband, does he help. Are you able to work together in supporting your mum. You could get in touch with your local AA association and see if they have any suggestions. The Icarus Trust may be able to offer support to yourself too. Good luck and keep your chin up.
Hope you are still staying on the straight and narrow Danman. There are a few positives about my son. He apparently worked last week. He has also started seeing his daughter. His gf and daughter came to our house today to pick up her xbox and games to play with her dad. He also sent a message to his grandma last week to wish her a happy birthday. We did have to remind him a few times. He has responded to a couple of texts off my husband about working and picked up some of his tools. I can also see that he has opened all the previous messages sent via whatsap. I text him last night as I found one of his shirts and started hugging it and crying. He didn’t respond. I was hoping he would get in touch. This all sounds positive but we still have no idea whether he is still using.
Hi Mike, I found your words so true and honest. I really hope that you can get yourself into a programme of rehabilitation so that you can live the rest of your life drug free. I know it will be hard as you seemed to have been taking cocaine for a long time, but, it will really all be worth it. Read the posts from Danman as he has got a lot of useful advice. My son is 32 and cocaine has ruined his relationships with his partners, children and our family. It’s not too late for you to start saying No and change your life. I wish you all the best.