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I feel you. Mine is absolutely vile when off it, and paranoid and demanding when on it. When on the come down, he is aggressive and moody.
I’m so fed up with dealing with it. I feel.so sad for our child. Such a horrible way to be growing up. I can’t wait to get out.
As James said, you can contact the crisis team yourself if you call 111 and listen to the options, then select option 2 at the appropriate time. It will be the option for something like ‘over 18 adult mental health crisis services’ or something along those lines.
You can also reach out to this GP yourself if you are both registered with the same one. Make an appointment for yourself and then when you attend explain what you are going through. They may then follow up with him or sign-post you/him to other support services.
I’ve been where you are – well I still am dealing with it – and it is a lonely place and extremely draining. The system for those who attempt to take their lives is broken. There are charities who can support you as you need to take care of yourself as well.
Please put yourself first and do not bow to his pressure to allow him to move in with you. It will not end well.
At least at the moment you have independence, space from him and boundaries. If he moves in with you then you’d lose all that and he might start using in your property.
I really resent the fact mine does it in the property – I don’t want to be around it and even if you are never in the same room when they are doing it, I believe it still has a residual impact as it gets in the air and on surfaces and the floor etc.
Plus when they use like this, they become dysfunctional and you have this person either on it in your property or on a come down in your property. It’s horrendous.
Do you have any nice times with him? Does the relationship still feel worth staying in?
Hi ladies
How are you?
Purpleheart – that’s good news about 1 week clean. How’s that going?
Mine promised no more and was back at it after a couple of days. I can’t wait to get out. He is so vile when on a come down… can’t stand it. Got his family coming to see him end of the week. Wish he’d admit it to them so they can try to help him.
I also have been feeling angry and resentful for the absolute shit he’s putting me through, especially with the financial aspect. I spend my time worrying how to buy food and afford our child’s travel costs. I’ve currently given up worrying about other bills.
Yeah, crack is truly horrendous.
I really can’t see any way he can get off it unless he were to go to rehab. As soon as he starts coming down by not using for a day, or recently a day and a half, he becomes so vile until he uses again. I felt so much stress and guilt as I was just dying for him to use again just to stop him being so vile to me. It’s ridiculous and so sad.
He is literally spending every penny he has access to on it! I never thought he’d turn like this. Underneath I know he knows how bad it is as well… just by a few things he’s said. Part of him doesn’t care and part of him does but I think he knows that he cannot just stop and he has no idea what to do.
Hi Zoe
I’m so sorry that you are going through this too.
I’m in a somewhat similar boat, except I live with him and have a young child with him.
I’m currently in the process of trying to leave ASAP. I’ve been trying to leave for months but having to wait to get housed. Living with this is horrendous, an absolute nightmare and I’m just hanging on to the thought that I will eventually be free.
Otherwise to get out I was told that I have to leave and declare myself homeless (the council said they understand it wouldn’t be intentional homelessness).
So my one was originally doing coke recreationally max once a week if he went out and not even a whole bag… maybe a few lines. He was high functioning at this point. This then progressed to more frequent use and what I describe as the beginnings of the addiction. He had a friend who was a coke addict who would do it with him. To be honest, a large proportion of people in the area we live in do coke recreationally, so it is everywhere!
I think, unfortunately, this kinda normalises it and addicts use this as an excuse… like saying, well everyone does it… or well X does it so it must be okay.
Someone then showed him how to convert the powder into a smokeable form – crack basically. It was at this point that things really spiralled. Slowly over a few months he started to do it more and more until he was using as often as he could get it financially. Pretty much daily or like 4 or 5 days a week.
He got me into so much debt. His mood and behaviour is so awful when he doesn’t do it that I was basically enabling him for my own safety. Otherwise, he is violent and abusive. He has fallen out with so many people and created ‘beef’ with people. It completely brings out a terrible, erratic side in a person.
He drinks and smokes as an aside to doing the drug… so spends a lot of money on that as well.
He is now no longer able to hold onto a job. Bills remain unpaid. I often don’t have the money to buy food for us, which is ridiculous and distressing as I have a child to feed. I spend my time worrying about money when by myself I’d be fine. I really resent him for this. I think it just shows how selfish this addiction is and how you get sucked into living a life you’d never choose for yourself.
The reason I say all this is to show you… starting on crack is not a good situation… they say one hit of it is enough to start off a very serious level of addiction (people will sell their possessions and become homeless because of it type level). So your partner may say or think that he’s only done it once or he is only going to do it that one time, but I’d be very wary of believing that.
Also the blaming – my one blames me for EVERYTHING. He blames me for him using… if he tries to stop and restart then it’s my fault for causing him to restart (he will make up an argument or say I’ve dissatisfied him in some way). In fact, in more enlightened moments he’s confessed to actually starting arguments so that he can use it as an excuse to get himself one to ‘feel better’.
I think he is being manipulative. Mine does this too. I think you have done very well to not live with him or share any kind of finances. I think that if you read enough of the stories on here and other sites like this you will see that you may never be able to progress your relationship beyond how it is now.
If you are waiting for him to quit, 20 years is a long time to have a habit. He has to want to quit for himself and it doesn’t sound as if he wants to. Even if he does, do you think you’d ever be able to trust him?
I know with mine that there is too much water under the bridge now. If he did manage to quit, I’d never be able to trust him or stop worryinf about whether he’s started using again. I can’t stand his abusive and controlling side and I think these are side effects – potentially permanent ones – of taking the drug for so long.
Fact is – we did not start this and we are not to blame. We are not forcing them to use.
Mine is like this too. He is also addicted to coke although now he turns it into crack. He sometimes has a sex drive while on it but he’s not loving – it’s just sex.
It is the lack of affection and intimacy that’s missing. It’s like we are roommates not partners. He doesn’t want to chat with me anymore. He finds everything I do irritating and says he doesn’t love or like me anymore… so I’m leaving. I can no longer hold any hope out. I’ve waited for 2 years now and it’s only getting worse, not better.
I don’t think you can really get them to admit it unless they want to.
My one will occasionally admit it in like an addiction sense when I am not there because he starts thinking in depth about everything. He recently said he has an addiction problem so via text so I was able to screenshot it in case I need it in the future.
Otherwise, he openly is doing this in front of me so he knows I know. At the same time, he’s tried to hide the financial side from me so I don’t know the extent.
If you need proof for something like child residency because he’s pursuing that, then you would have to go to family court and raise your concerns. They have the ability to order him to be tested.
I don’t think you can really get them to admit it unless they want to.
My one will occasionally admit it in like an addiction sense when I am not there because he starts thinking in depth about everything. He recently said he has an addiction problem so via text so I was able to screenshot it in case I need it in the future.
Otherwise, he openly is doing this in front of me so he knows I know. At the same time, he’s tried to hide the financial side from me so I don’t know the extent.
If you need proof for something like child residency because he’s pursuing that, then you would have to go to family court and raise your concerns. They have the ability to order him to be tested.
Hi new friends
How are you all today? It’s hard for me to get on here and write as have to do it in secret.
Purpleheart – yes, unfortunately I don’t think there is a high chance of his redemption. I don’t mean this badly but I think the fact he has already struggled with gambling and drinking add weight to this… it shows he has an addictive personality.
My one (I don’t even want to use the term partner as he is not living in any kind of partnership with me) is the same. He has had a gambling addiction decades ago, which he beat… sex addiction (IMO) that he beat, and has been a binge drinker who at one point was drinking daily and then bingeing on the weekend and now the drug addiction…. he admits he has an addictive personality. I feel as if he replaced one thing with another!
I’m really impressed that you were able to tell his parents. That’s major. Does he know you’ve told them? Do they have any idea of how you all might help him?
My one blames everyone else for his usage. Usually it is my fault he is using. In fact apparently I’m 90% the cause of all his problems. Part of me wants to laugh as if that was the case surely he’d have had a successful life prior to me… never taken drugs before, not been a big drinker or smoker etc. He’s the one who did all those things and lived, I now know, a chaotic life. Everything negative in his life is always someone else’s fault.
I was living a quiet, stable, peaceful life before him… I crave that life again. I’m literally aching to have thsy life and to be able to provide it to our child. They deserve so much better.
Mammy – I agree with others, if he is now getting threats then he is in really deep. I didn’t know this but a couple of years ago at the beginning of all this, my one was owing… he owed like some hundreds to different dealers and I didn’t know this and gave him money for something else (a theme) and he used it to pay them off behind my back. I only found out later. He didn’t get any threats, so if your husband is getting threats then I have a feeling he owes a significant amount.
You could go to the police and ask for protection for you and the children, if necessary. They can safeguard your home – I have this (more on that later) so they put a marker on the address and yoir phone number and if you call 999 it gives them all the details/makes you a priority. Also have you made your council aware?
I’m sorry to hear that your child has severe disability. That must make things a lot harder.
Me:
I am disabled due to chronic health issue so it makes it difficult to navigate some of this stuff… I feel as if it’s taking all my strength not to fall apart. Not that anybody needs this type of trouble but I really didn’t need this situation… life was already hard enough. It makes me so sad that I found someone who turned out to be a real wrongun.
I have told my SIL because it was pretty obvious something was up due to his choice to do it while she was in our home. It was really hard as if he finds out he would go absolutely nuts. I needed to tell her because I cannot shoulder this burden totally and especially not if I am leaving at some point.
She cannot intervene because doing so would expose that I’d told her. She really wants him to go to rehab.
His MH is appalling at the moment. I went to the doctor yesterday and the doctor is aware something is not right as he’s already under him for MH issues and he could tell that it’s worsened since he last spoke to him – although he knows nothing of the drugs.
I can’t remember if I said but my one lost his job because of drugs. He was unable to function and be reliable… missed work one too many time and boom… job gone.
Talking about the safeguarding… he had a friendship with a guy he met who was also a user… snorting not smoking. Anyway, the guy employed him to do some work in his business, which my one did, and then the guy didn’t pay him when agreed… then he withheld money (according to my one) and so they fell out. My one falls out with people in spectacular style. I mean full on beef, arguments, abusive messages etc… he’s extremely volatile.
So he was leaving all these messages for the guy, accusing him of stuff and in the end the guy messaged me basically saying he had paid my one in a mixture of the money owed and in drugs and didn’t owe him anymore money.
I actually believe this guy. Anyway, the guy called me on my phone and now for various reasons I have safeguarding on my home and phone because I had to report him to the police.
My one seems to either have forgotten that he was paid partly in drugs or is under some other belief about the arrangement as he is adamant he is owed more money. So he wants to pursue this to get the rest he thinks he’s owed. I can only see this ending badly for him.
I was looking up free rehabs. I found a Christian one. I would love him to go. I just have no idea how I’d broach the subject. I think I could only do it if he brought it up and I was somewhere else so we were talking remotely to each other.
He reckons he is going to quit as the money has run out. The money ran out ages ago… he’s been using family money to fund it. I’ll believe it when I see it. Even if he temporarily stops, I feel that as soon as he has funds it will restart.
Hi Mammy
I am exhausted too.
How did you get on the Emergency list? I’m just on the normal one although I did pay to get GP to write a letter to say how urgent my need and our child’s need is to move.
I am feeling really down. I wasn’t able to get away this weekend. Also… and the thing that’s upset me is that last week and this week there’s been no suitable properties for me to bid on. Every week I hang my hope on being able to bid on at least 1 property. It sounds ridiculous but just thinking I might be offered one gives me that little bit of hope to get through the week. So at the moment I’m feeling quite hopeless.
On top of that, he is in the thick grips of addiction. Even choosing to get high when he knew a family member was coming to visit and has been getting high while they are here! He is definitely spending the family money again but there is nothing I can do about it so I’ve just become numb.
One thing I’ve realised is no matter how great of a person you are – great mum, wife and so on… it makes no difference. I feel as if nothing makes a difference. We are not in this position because of something we did. It is all about them. In a way I find that helpful. It was always out of your hands because it’s not remotely your fault he’s done this.
xx
If he is actively suicidal you can call the crisis team – dial 111 and it’s option 2 (it will be something about someone in mental health crisis who is over 18). Alternatively you can ask the police to do a welfare check on him as he doesn’t live with you and say you are worried about his state of mind/can’t get hold of him etc.
Unfortunately, when someone has addiction and mental health issues going on, the mental health services can refuse to deal with that side of things until the person has deal with their drug addiction via the drug and alcohol services.
My addict (partner – soon to be ex) has developed terrible mental health issues since becoming addicted to cocaine and now freebase cocaine (like crack). He has tried to kill himself more than once and one of these times was nearly successful. He had constant agitation, volatile and unstable moods, aggression, severe paranoia etc.
Because the suicide attempt that was nearly successful put him in hospital for 24 hours, he got eventually put on prescription drugs for his mental health… but this is because he had never admitted to health professionals about the drugs or his addiction. He really needs help with his addiction but he will never get it until he has totally hit rock bottom and is prepared to admit what he does and the extent of it.
Hi Bluebell
I absolutely agree with you. I had my wake up call last year and realised he will never change. He is just incapable of it… any time he says he will… he cannot keep it up. My friend who escaped an abusive relationship about the same time I was having my revelation pointed it out to me. It just rings true and I think about it a lot.
Also, he actually will have a day or two of being nice and if I ever feel myself wavering, I remember it never lasts. Without fail, every single time he reverts to type and is nasty, abusive and back to unhealthy habits (substance abuse of all types).
I’m desperately trying to get out. I’m in a difficult position where I am having to wait until I’m rehoused. I’m crossing my fingers and praying this happens within the next few months.
I agree – I read that crack is one of the worst or the worst for altering the mind and brain and is almost impossible to stop. I think there is probably the odd person who can quit it but as you say, their personality is never the same again…
He is so unstable, volatile, intense paranoia… I don’t want to live my life surrounded by that and our child deserves a million times better.
I’m sorry that you went through such an awful situation too and that you continue to suffer. I can imagine my one being vindictive and trying to use our child as a pain. That’s why I’m being very careful.
Hi ladies
Yes, it’s an absolute nightmare. I truly don’t think I’ll be able to fully process it until I’m out and have some thinking space knowing I don’t have to be around it daily. It’s giving me PTSD!
I expect you are all facing the same… this just existing type of life trying to cope and hold it together for the kids… you can’t process stuff while like that. You just live in the moment.
Mammyessex – the person you are dealing with now isn’t the same person you met or married etc… I have read that certain drugs, especially cocaine, sort of rewire the brain and basically create the selfish partners we are now dealing with. So that’s how they can justify their actions because their brain has altered to become extremely egocentric and to do anything to get the drugs. It’s crazy!
I’d try and speak to the council. If you are at threat of homelessness then they have a duty housing officer who can provide you with specific advice and support… I am already registered with housing and I am having to give up my social housing (house) for a flat as I have to be the one to leave… he won’t go… haven’t been given anywhere yet… been bidding for a while now. I’m pretty desperate, not just for me but for our child. I want them to feel safe and have stability and normality.
Hey Mammyessex
Sorry you are going through this too.
I don’t really think the lies and divorce are his way of protecting you, I think it may be more a case of just not wanting to deal with anything other than himself.
One thing I’ve noticed is that addiction makes the addict really selfish. I mean to the point of not caring if you and your kids have food to eat or whether bills are paid etc… this includes being bothered about other people’s emotional welfare and feelings.
So he’s just wanting to ‘check out’ of his responsibilities and life.
For your sake, as awful as this sounds, it can be a good thing. From everything I’ve read one forums and on the Internet in general as well as my own experience with my addict partner, it is really hard for someone to quit these addictions (both the drugs and the gambling). Someone once said to me ‘he’s never going to change’ and that was a little wake up call for me. I have been actively trying to leave mine for arpund 8/9 months now – circumstances making it hard re: housing.
Focus on yourself and your children. Have you checked whether you are entitled to any benefits to help you financially?