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Dan

I read once that – The truth sets you free

I was so glad to read in some of your recent posts the real truth you shared about what really goes on in an addicts other life away from home

You said – I have to lead an honest life now

Because it does not just set you free but also the partners trying to make sense of what’s going and think they are going mad even though their gut instinct is screaming the truth at them

So thank you ????

Keep moving forward ????

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Thank you for your honesty

So many people are Will benefit from reading this post and what you have written

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C

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I

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My advice would be to walk away

I hate to say it but no matter how much support you give her; addiction is bigger than anything you have to offer

If you leave and she sorts herself out that’s great; but in reality you will spend years being her financial and emotional punchbag until you are drained and your relationship implodes

Live your life

Don’t feel guilty the addiction was there before you and it will unfortunately be there for life

The lies

The disappearing

It’s all so text book and so distressing

The rant is what we all have done looking for answers In The chaos searching for the truth and that my friend you will never find out no matter how much you cry beg or dig

You will just drive yourself mad

You don’t have anything to prove but you definitely deserve to be happy and live a calm and honest life xx

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Keep going forward

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Okay so I have been thinking about how to reply to you all day

When I first met my ex

The first night we went out we went to a pub where we bumped into one of his Childhood friends who turned out to be a dealer

His girlfriend was older and adored him he cooked up crack – At time I had no idea – as he passed the pipe round

I declined but Watched how he took the piss out of her but I couldn’t work out if it was banter because of the drugs or he meant it

He had told her to get a tattoo – it was a crown and said KIng and his name on her very low abdomen which she then showed us!!

He told her he was going to marry her – when I came out of the bathroom he was there and gestured for me to come in with him – one hand on his crotch!!

She had spent years trying to stop drinking and drugs but he was supplying her and it was obvious she needed to stop she had involuntary twitches and her daughter was so upset at her physical decline

I felt like saying come home with us we’ll drop you home you shouldn’t be here but I knew that she would be back the next day so no point – he had her just where he wanted her

But the damage he was doing and saying he loved her it was so wrong

Addicts tell us what we want to hear

I can see from your posts you are in a bad place and I feel you may need more help to get out and move on

But you say older should no netter

None of us chose to fall in love with an abuser because that’s what they are and I think what we have to realise is we all want to be loved and feeling loved is amazing – that is why You have to stop and really think about this because what you are living in is now not love on any level

It’s convenient

It’s familiar

It’s safe even though it’s abusive and very damaging

The night before we got married my ex disappeared ;the first major crack binge that happened, I have since learnt he was with a woman. I had left in the middle of the night he came and found me in the morning he was hysterical, begging me not to leave him swearing on his kids lives no women were involved and I gave in. I think he even sneaked off twice to buy crack during our honeymoon.

I literally had no idea about drugs back then. Or the levels of deception and deceit or the lengths addicts will go to without any remorse or feeling for anyone they hurt along the way

You know being on your own is actually a lot less lonely than being in a relationship with an addict sat waiting for a sign of life being picked up and dropped as they please

They actually choose a strong anchor to hold down their life for them which is why you feel if you walk away they will disappear into orbit but they won’t they will just find a new anchor

And that’s a crap feeling knowing you are replaceable because you want to be the one that’s what they told us again and again

But so what – you will be free and the next person will have to learn the hard way. And don’t fret that person will be better than you because of course they will be initially; but the Penny will eventually drop for them and you will be long gone

I too have had 25 + years of abuse which is why being on your own is actually exactly what you need

The smallest freedoms should be celebrated and you deserve more

I hope that you find the strength to cut him off

Small steps away from him

You really must be strong

None of us know what tomorrow brings but to live in this misery is not right

My mother died at 56 and I know she would kick me into next week if she thought I would Waste anymore of my life on sadness or waste my strength trying to save someone who treated me with such little respect

Please please do whatever it takes to set yourself free xxx

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replied to myself as you will read but I need to add this too

I have since found out that my ex first started smoking crack aged18

He had a long term girlfriend from 18 until 26 they smoked crack together even through and after the birth oh his first daughter

Her parents came round unexpectedly one Saturday morning and they found her unconscious on the Sofa surrounded by paraphernalia – he had gone out to score – they told her him or us – she came to her senses and left him- he got into an argument with her and punched her and knocked her out – ended up doing 12months sentence. He told me he came home and caught her with someone else …..

On leaving prison he was at a party doing all sorts and he got caught by a one night stand – they were both long term heavy drug users and they ended up having 2 girls both mistakes and had a horrifically domestic violent fuelled by both of them using drink and drugs

relationship for 3 years

Then he was temping and met an older woman (15 yrs older) who worked in accounts she was a heavy drinker liked to party but had her own house, a nice life until she met him – he got her smoking crack she lost her home, her job and all her savings. her kids came round one Saturday morning and caught them still on an binge horrific! But she stuck by him and turned on her kids (she had 5)

He had flings she knew but turned a blind eye and loved smoking crack and he go her involved in sordid internet hook ups with blokes and even with other addicts that they were scoring with! They were together 6 years. She now lives in a council flat, and he goes around to smoke crack and takes her prescription pills off her

When I Met him he told me his ex had spent all the money and hidden the bills, and that he had had lost his business because of her …

I never for one moment had an inkling about drugs

He never ever mentioned drugs

All his family kept quiet and lied to my face

Now I know the whole truth and although I had the unpleasant experience of having this lying, cheating, (because oh yes he did: lots of times when he was high, even though I was his angel, love of his life, can’t live without you, no one compares to you!) master manipulator in my life

I have managed to get free and move on

He begged me to have a child with him even bragged that all his kids were carried small, yes because they were all 3 crack babies!!

Now I realise he was using crack quietly right from the beginning

He hid so much from me, and so did his family

He has been a drug using serial cheater all his life but is so practised at it that he is a master manipulator

I cannot believe I fell for it but I did and it’s been the biggest and hardest lesson of my life

I was in a bad place after divorce when I met him and I loved the attention he lavished on me – I was a sitting duck – a new cash flow

Thank god I did not try it or let him take me down with him because he would try and get me to smoke it all the time

Apparently he is obsessed with head when he is doing a pipe

To him it was second nature it was his hobby he lived for it – not me – or his kids – for crack and that’s hard to accept but because they lie (and they lie so well) you get stuck in the fantasy of being the only one who really knows them; can save them; covering up for them a conspirator and codependent, But really you are just the only one who can’t see the whole truth who is being used and abused beyond all limits without any real care or attention

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Your reply is also a great comfort to me

Even though I am a little further down the line it still hurts when I think back – but I don’t dwell on it now

Hindsight is a great thing and once the Penny drops that their behaviour is the same in every relationship again and again and you have been manipulated to the brink of madness you can turn the corner

Keeping quiet because you know the truth but to say it out loud breaks the myth and let’s be honest you can cry & beg and you still won’t get the truth, that’s the worst thing not knowing what is true or just manufactured – tell you what you want to hear

An addict could lie to the pope and not bat an eyelid

To spend the rest of your life trying to work out if the love of your life is telling you yet another massive lie is too draining and we deserve at least a basic level of respect from the person who tells us – can’t live without you – but can lie and cheat on you with anyone in a heartbeat and blame it on coke??

There comes a point when it just becomes last weeks news and you move on

That’s a good point and I am wishing you every hope for the future

Life is short don’t waste anymore time treading water – get out and live and love every day free of anymore negative weight xxx

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Firstly hello and yes you have found a great place to help you make sense of his actions and try to regain yourself

Reading on here you will see that your story and my story and so many others are so familiar

It will really help you – keep looking and reading and eventually you will regain your strength

All the choices you have had to make are caused by him

Him lying

Him choosing drugs over you and his kids

Don’t you dare feel guilty – we all do initially as we have all been manipulated emotionally and destroyed mentally

You need space to let your brain untangle and to rest i bet you are exhausted

You just take a step back

If he doesn’t take his Tablets that’s his Fault he is an adult

He won’t forget to buy his drugs

He won’t forget to roll his joint or crack open a beer

He won’t think I should give this last bit of money to you to feed the kids or pay a bill he will just put his hand out for more and walk away to score without giving any of you another thought

He will disappear for the night/days and not spare one thought for you or the kids

You have nothing to feel guilty for or to try and prove you are a good person to anyone except your kids

One thing – I can guarantee there is more for you to discover and it won’t be pretty or nice but please remember that it does not reflect On you

It is the worst thing to go through

Grief – despair – anger – self loathing – loss of control – isolation

Feels like you will never be the same agin but you will because there will be a point where your feelings will change

Your strength will come back

You will say – no more – you can’t keep me in that place anymore – I am so over your BS – Bad you will move on – it doesn’t mean you have to hold a grudge or carry hate around – it means you will let it go and the weight will lift and your head won’t be full of negative waste of time crap anymore

And you will smile x

Don’t hate yourself

All you did was fall in love with an addict and let your goodness be used against you xx

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Cry, grieve and get angry with yourself and him it’s all part of letting it go

I hate reading that you hate yourself

Being the rock for your children in the middle of chaos is exhausting

Being part of an addiction relationship is like a slow death

You have been carrying a huge weight around

You have probably been single parenting for a long time

Just take all the little moments to give you a sense of a new beginning

Because that is what this is and you must take strength where you can get it and if you are having a bad day – tomorrow will be better –

You will begin to see things for what they are

Be strong believe in yourself

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Your intuition always tells the truth

Once trust is broken it’s gone

Don’t look for answers you will never ever get the truth

The disappearing

The turning the phone off

Not telling you where they have been

Porn/ other women whilst they are high

Your head is tangled up because of all the manipulation you need space to find yourself again

My ex laughed when I asked him why he lied all the time and he said I’m an addict darling it’s what we do

Addicts tell you what you want to hear to enable them and keep you where they need you

it takes time and care to heal

All storms pass and sometimes they come to clear the path for us x

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I hope you are okay

That’s a lot of information for you to digest I know and it probably seems very daunting

Just take one step at a time but make them positive

If he flips his lid this weekend and tells you to leave he’s handing you the golden ticket – take it

Don’t worry about what other people say or think

You know the truth and that; along with your daughters innocence, safety and her protection is all that matters

I always think now – what’s the worst that can happen? It can’t be any worse than living in the hell I was trapped in

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I will give it a listen

Thank you

Gaining that inner calm after the chaos is a good place

It takes a lot of time, reflection and acceptance to get there

You have to let it go or it will drown you

I think the hardest part is just that – the letting go

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I hate how much pain it brings to so many and no matter how much good you try to bring to the situation

The disappointment the grief it’s soul destroying

The weight of the situation just swamps your whole life and being

I hope you are finding ways to find some comfort and move forward xx

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