[faw2]

I’ve recently split with my ex and we have a 12 week old baby, when she was 3 weeks old he had a break down which was caused by his alcohol and drug addiction. Long story short when I first met him I was oblivious to the fact he had a drug addiction and was using cocaine and ketamine daily he came clean about it after  being in the relationship for around 6 months and stressed how he wanted to quit so anyway I supported him was under the impression he had however he still drank excessively most nights but I genuinely believed his words that he’d quit there’s never really any problems in our relationship he genuinely was the loveliest person I’d ever been with everyone around me also loved him. Last October I fell pregnant we both wanted a baby so we were both over the moon around 3 months into the pregnancy we had discussions on what we needed to do to prepare for the baby it felt like he had not much interest and I was made to feel like I was over reacting with my pregnancy I had really bad sickness and with him drinking every night I just couldn’t stand the smell of beer this caused me to become distant I felt like I found it hard to be affectionate I was left to do everything to a point I was painting the whole house to prepare for the baby heavily pregnant  and he would be out drinking I was quite chilled in the fact I never wanted to stop however I did stress it needed to change or be reigned in. In February then he lost his driving license to being excessively over the limit and things just got worse. His mental health went down hill it caused huge strain with his job getting back and forth and he just drank even more he started lying about finances would always be short of money and I was basically keeping him I suspected he was using drugs again, I was close to my due date and things still needed to be sorted and again lied were told about money and it came to light he was in huge huge huge amounts of debt with 2 weeks left of pregnancy I was so angry I did say some horrible things and called him a few not very nice things he admitted many of times his drinking was bad but he denied drugs, the 2 weeks leading up to giving birth I wasn’t to good and kept asking him to not get to drunk as I could go into labour any time I have another daughter from a previous relationship who I went into early labour with so stressed this could happen again anyway he didn’t listen and the night before I went into labour he sat at home on his own and got drunk the next day I went into labour extremely fast ( 3 hours from pains starting to giving birth ) he was nursing a huge hangover and I suspected a come down. The first week the baby was here we were in our baby bubble things were perfect then he went back to work and he started drinking again I said I didn’t mind however just to cut it down a bit he’s part of a pool team and this is where he would go a few times a week to drink or to the pub after work, when the baby was 2 weeks old he came home from work absolutely out of it I was annoyed and it resulted in a huge argument and him trying to leave the house with the baby he didn’t but did get a big hands on with me when I stopped him, anyway he stayed at his nans all weekend and on the Sunday he came back I stressed I was finding it hard to be in the relationship and he begged me to stay we had a conversation that evening about the baby’s last name and I wanted it doubled barrelled this sent him into melt down. The following Thursday I needed to go out when he got home from work he finished work late so we literally said hi and bye he face timed me then and I suspected he was drinking he admitted he was so I came straight home when I got home he was very drunk and told me I took away his masculinity he couldn’t support us he felt like a waste of space and that we’d be better off without him and stormed out a few hours later we found him he tried to commit suicide by hanging him self he has previously done this before our relationship and it was when his drug abuse was bad. His sister is a support worker so she went with him to the hospital after he was discharged I said I didn’t want him at the house I was extremely angry that I was left with a 3 week old baby and he’d done all this, his sister suggested until we got to the bottom of it he has supervised contact with her I said I was agreeable until a hair drug test was done to detect if he’d been using drugs again leading up to his break down he wanted to do a saliva and I said no due to the time scale few days later he came back with a negative saliva test I was furious his sister turned on me I can only assume he admitted to her he was on drugs again, she used her power to manipulate me so I said he could see the baby in a contact centre she took her power threatened for me not to be able to take the baby to our planned trip to our family home in Spain that my ex partner was also supposed to come on before all this happened and that they were taking me to court, next thing you know I have an emergency court order for child abduction we get to the court and he no longer objects to me going away however just wants contact I stressed I never ever denied contact l, he admitted to being on drugs again and having an alcohol problem however hasn’t used since the suicide attempt. He made up horrendous lies about that I financially abused him that I emotionally abused him when we argued about his debt that I tried to control him when I never he lied and said I did drugs when pregnant I’m quite a straight person I very rarely drink, we had our first proper hearing for contact last week he is having co tact supervised every Saturday and we have to go back once he’s done a hair drug test in a few months and has proved he’s off the drugs and drink. I’m just heart broken I did everything to support him and just asked for honesty he lied so much to me. Even my dad was helping him to get qualified to come and work off shore as an engineer with him, it seems I’m the one to blame he holds so much anger towards me and I can’t get my head around why? I don’t know if I’m mourning the fact I have a new born baby and i wanted a happily little family and it’s torn apart I keep thinking will he ever regret it does he genuinely think I’m this awful person is he bothered he’s missing her being so young an limited to how much time the courts have given him

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