Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
hey everyone, it’s crazy how similar all our stories are. It’s so sad how their childhoods and families have just left them totally unprepared for being an adult. Mine’s the same, gets so excited about little things as he never had anything, but then when it’s all there on a plate he throws it away. He was abandoned by parents – one left and the other disowned him. I think I read that being neglected as a child stops the brain developing and that’s why they are like dealing with a child, cos they have never got those emotional skills. Really heartbreaking to think of what they’ve gone through. Doesn’t make it any easier for us though.
once his drug worker said to me how much he wants to get back to ‘normal’ (I.e come back to live with me) and I thought unfortunately normal for him is drugs/crack houses/prison and being at home with me was a constant effort for him to not fall back into it.
@M oh god that’s a nightmare with the tickets and the police chase, it’s unbelievable isn’t it what they put us through, literally couldn’t make it up. Really hope he turns up soon and you can at least sort things you need to get done. So stressful waiting for them to come back and worrying constantly, especially with the family history. I can see mine has checked his emails so I know he’s alive but that’s about all I can say really…That sound really positive and he has managed to give the alcohol up in the past so hopefully that gives him some strength to know he can beat it. Got everything crossed for you that he does it for good this time. I do know a few people who have succeeded and everyone who has has really thrown themselves into CA/NA etc and put all their energy into recovery Xx
Oh bubbles that’s awful for you, it’s so hard to actually get the help for mental health issues. Mine only got it cos he showed up at A&E and said he was a danger to himself and other people so he got sectioned. Bit of a risky strategy really. The meds have really helped him so hopefully yours can get seems asap. Unfortunate though any drugs stop them working and then they don’t take them but at least it’s a step in the right direction. Xx can’t believe he had you looking for his drugs I would have been tempted to flush them myself but probably not worth the consequences actually as he would be fuming
I totally know what you’re going through M, mine would disappear for days too but then have weeks and sometimes months in between where things were supposedly good but looking back I was constantly anxious waiting and watching for the next time – which always happened at the worst possible time, just before holidays, just after holiday, my birthdays, same as you he would go for a ‘sensible’ drink and swear blind he’d be home at a certain time then just vanish, one time like this he ended up writing my car off and getting arrested, I had to hunt for my car the next day as all my stuff including baby seat was inside but couldn’t get in as police had my keys ????but still gave him another chance and a few more after that! But then things seemed great, he had everything he could ever have wanted in life and we were getting on great, I let my guard down and then when I wasn’t expecting it he got back into it in a big way right under my nose and I never noticed a thing for 3-4 weeks, he was doing up to 4 grams a day – I’m not naive about it and can’t believe I didn’t see it straight away. He denied it to my face many times. After that I knew that I just can’t put up with it any more as he will never change and I can never trust him, unless he is in recovery for maybe a year and showing commitment to it I won’t have him back. He’s only been to 2 meetings since and I took him to both otherwise he couldn’t be bothered which says everything I think.
It’s a horrible roller coaster and they drag you down with them if you let them into their life of drugs, general lack of morals, and family members who think it’s perfectly normal to take drugs together and in my experience actively encourage the ongoing addiction.
Do you think he will ever stop given his family history and everyone around him? Or is this just normal for him? My ex wanted to change and that’s why he wanted to be with me I think as he saw that as a chance to get out of that life, but at the same time a bit like yours he didn’t want to fully let it go. I’ve spent nearly all my energy over the last 6 years helping him, looking after him, taking him to appointments, etc etc to the point I’ve ended up making myself ill – as much as you want to help sometimes you have to realise who’s helping you? He’s not your responsibility as hard as that is – many people have told me that and I’ve ignored it as I felt like I was the only one who could help… in a way I hope I don’t hear from him as I’m not sure I can stick to it if he gets in touch and wants help again, it’s so hard!
also same re the extra PIP money, mine is exactly the same and maybe that will be the motivation yours needs to get diagnosed. Have to say now he is not taking the meds and is spending his PIP on drugs. He has missed his appointments with the mental health service so I think they might stop seeing him. Going from bad to worse really.
sorry feel like that was a lot of negativity! I think I need more caffeine to get through this bank holiday lol. Stay strong and look after yourself and hope all you ladies are doing good today.
xx
Hey m, he was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, he was sectioned at the time so hadn’t had drink or drugs but only for a matter of weeks. Previously he had been heavily using crack hence ending up sectioned! It’s really hard to get a diagnosis I think and they definitely go hand in hand with addiction – when he is clean and taking his meds the symptoms are much more controlled but I just don’t know now whether that was all a big lie – I just can’t trust anything that comes out of his mouth unfortunately….
That’s frustrating the gp wont refer him, have you tried to get another gp’s opinion? Does he engage with any addiction services that could help? What kind of behaviour was he doing? Xx
Hi Navy – he’s only 4 so he doesn’t understand and they had a really close relationship, it’s really sad and I worry for the future, maybe he’s better off without him in his life? I am shocked he’s vanished like this , I can’t help but think maybe there’s someone else, who knows. I don’t even know if I would have him back now but saying that I probably would if he would just make an effort to get clean! I’m not sure I could live with him again though, I feel really anxious just thinking about him being here. I really feel for you going through this, it’s the worst isn’t it, especially the lies.
I don’t think they are happy when doing it at all, maybe less unhappy but that’s about it, that’s how I could tell mine was back on it, all happiness and joy instantly sucked out of him – yet they think more coke is the answer, there’s no logic in addiction that’s for sure xx
Just read this @paw_x, what a sad situation – it’s awful to live your life knowing that at any time everything can just fall apart overnight – there will always be someone like the guy giving the lift or in my case, next door’s son, who pop up and the temptation is too much – until they take that step and actually deal with their issues and stay committed to recovery long term – hoping for you that yours is on that road now. Mine always just stuck his head in the sand and hid himself away but that doesn’t work as that stuff is literally everywhere….
@bellapop it really sounds unbearable how he is treating you – are you sure he isn’t secretly using?? A few years ago mine pretended to go to groups for months and had a sponsor at one point but was actually out smoking heroin each night. Either way his behaviour is so unacceptable – maybe he has got mental health issues as others said. Do you have any options? Would you ever consider leaving or is it not possible?? Really hope the rest of your weekend is better xx
No word from mine now for weeks. Only once when he wanted me to do something for him, no contact with the kids, my youngest keeps asking for him which is heartbreaking as I don’t really know what to say – I had an operation a few weeks ago and he promised he would come and help me with the kids and he never turned up, and I haven’t seen him since!!
hi bubbles, my now ex has been diagnosed with a personality disorder too- I’m finding it really hard to deal with his behaviour/lack of empathy and also now looking back at everything that’s happened and wondering has everything been a big lie/manipulation or was any of it real?? Do you find that?
so sorry Navy that yours has gone back to it, I had the same numerous times you must be feeling so hurt and disappointed. Really hope he sorts himself out.
that all sounds really positive Paw and sounds like you’ve definitely done the right thing – I hope mine has the strength to do that one day. Have you got kids? At the moment I think he’s taking the easy way out unfortunately…
Hi, so sorry this all sounds so stressful and so much to deal with along with pregnancy/baby/work. My story is similar but not the girls as far as I know (although wouldn’t surprise me at all) – I read something yesterday that said – if someone else took control of your life tomorrow what would they change? And I know deep down I should cut all ties with my now kind of ex for my own sanity – my dad was also an alcoholic, maybe that’s why we end up in these situations? I guess what I have tried to do is remember that actions speak louder than words and yours, like mine, seems to say all the right things very convincingly but ultimately when you look at what they actually do and how they treat you, that’s the reality. I also found that working out a timeline like you have in your post helped me as when things are good, even if it’s only for a short time, it’s easy to forget about the bad times and when you actually look back then it’s easier to see the patterns and that actually the good times which seem long in your head are quite limited. You’re doing great, stay strong and look after yourself x
Hey Bellapop, I just happened to come on here and saw your post! Great that he’s done 60 days. But so sorry to hear that he is acting this way!! You are doing amazing coping with everything with the kids as well as having to deal with what sounds like a really horrible atmosphere on top of everything. Have you confided in anyone about what’s happening?? Make sure you look after yourself as it doesn’t sound like he is being at all supportive. It’s hard to know what’s real and what’s not after a while isn’t it – I’ve felt the same – but I guess what is real is how he is treating you now and the effect that’s having on you – there’s no excuse but it does sound like he’s taking all his cravings out on you. Sending hugs and I hope things have got a bit better since you posted xx
(my update – we’re still separated and I guess I’m still holding out some hope he will sort himself out but it’s now been 10 months so I’m not very optimistic. It is much less stressful though apart from being exhausting with the kids and sometimes being wracked with guilt that I’ve done the wrong thing!)
So crazy how all these stories are so similar cap50 – mine is basically exactly what you’ve just said but I’m seven months down the line of him not living with us – definitely gradually getting back to myself and reconnecting with people I haven’t had time for because I’ve focussed on him for years, but still in limbo as I don’t seem to be able to fully let go – hard when there’s kids though to do that as I just want him ok as he can be for our son. Wishing you lots of happiness for your new start x
Hey James, how are you? Hope all’s going good with you ????
I know this is a stupid question but I just sometimes feel like asking my ex (not sure if that’s what he is now who knows?!) – why aren’t we enough? Why would you choose that life of drugs rather than our nice life we had? It doesn’t look enjoyable so how can that be better living in someone’s spare room with no money and constantly ill. Why not just put the effort in and go to meetings and try and sort yourself out? Guess it’s not a rational thing but can’t help but take it personally when I start to feel negative about everything….
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Rabbito, I was just reading this thread and thinking I know exactly what you’ve been going through and how horrendous it is, and I was really hoping you find the strength to finish it with him. And then I got to the end and you have! It’s so hard to make the decision as they make you doubt yourself at every turn so just wanted to say that’s a massive step and stay strong as I’m sure it won’t be easy. These relationships we have been dealing with aren’t normal and it’s not ok. Even though they try to convince us otherwise…</p>
Hey Jenna, hope you’re managing to enjoy your holiday! Hopefully good to spend some time together away from temptation…. it’s hard because you just don’t know if he is definitely telling you everything but I do know lots of people who’ve manage to nip it in the bud when it was mainly a weekend thing with some lifestyle changes and avoiding certain people/situations – if your husband’s really committed then hopefully he could do that – has he thought about going to Cocaine Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, there’s a lot of support on line.
Trust is the main thing for me – I managed to get some kind of trust back but then the last major relapse has kind of messed everything up really as I thought it was all fine and started to relax, only for it to happen again and worse than before – but I had given him lots of chances over 6 years before this and have lived a crazy roller coaster of drama for most of that time!
I’ve now said that he needs to go to NA meetings and make a real effort himself to prove to me he is putting in the hard work needed to change – that’s yet to happen but I’m hoping it will do one day although not feeling too optimistic at present. luckily we weren’t linked financially and it’s my house and I stopped giving him any money long ago! He’s meant to come and see me/his son but has missed the last two weekends so I’m assuming the worst x
Hi Jaydee well done for making a first step you obviously really want to make a change which is great! Unfortunately drink and coke go hand in hand, I would say don’t drink for a while, or only in situations where you know there’s absolutely no chance of getting it – just til u feel a bit stronger and can try and break the cycle….sounds boring but def worth it in the long run to nip it in the bud then u can get on with your life but if u wait til u have a really bad problem, that will be it u will have to be tee total for good to stay off it! Good luck