Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
So true…
I’ve been thinking of you Ivy- how is your son?
I’m sorry (and angry) that your sons are treating you so poorly- you don’t deserve it after all you’ve done. None of us do.
I’m in the same boat. I did have a talk (by email) with my son. I was planning on doing it in person, but his emails to the family have been so rotten that I decided against it. His emails have been all “poor me” that I was born with this gene for alcoholism, that we should have compassion for him (which we do), and that Philosophy is his dream and that we should financially support him so that he can achieve his dream and finish his degree so that he can have a career. I remind you that the reason he hasn’t finished is because he spends his days drinking and not doing the work he needs to do. That’s why we’re at this December deadline. He says “either I get an extension with school, or I’m on the street, literally”.
I did tell him that he has enough time to make a change before December. I told him that he cannot live with us, that he’s got to make his own way, and that he doesn’t have to be on the street as there are options for him with housing, shelters, counseling, job help etc.
He keeps telling me that he’d rather be on the street than to ‘sell his soul’ working any other job. It’s ridiculous.
The bottom line is this, they are all master manipulators because of their addictions. He’s broken my heart with some of things he’s said to me. His emails are primarily directed at me and just like you all, he’s pushing my buttons as a mother. The emails have been almost daily. I knew as soon as I said he couldn’t live with me and my husband, and that we would not financially support him, the harassment would begin. Apparently, we are supposed to sacrifice financially to support him, because ‘that’s what families do’, that we are judgmental, unChristian, and materialistic if we don’t. ( I don’t know why he thinks we even financially could.)
I had to find a new counselor since my other one retired. This new counselor has worked a lot with addicts. As I’ve said, things are going to get bad for my story soon. This counselor is very tough love. I told him, “my son is killing me” and he said, “You are letting your son kill you”. He said that if I give him housing or financially support him, it is only going to prolong his addiction and that I am essentially having a hand in his demise. Ouch. He said that he is never going to change until he wants to, or has to, and that nothing I do, whether loving or not, is going to change him, and if I or anyone else do too much for him, we are taking away his “rock bottom” moment to change.
I know he’s right, because my story has been going on for 10+ years and nothing has worked. It’s just so hard as you all know.
Together we can get through it. I wish I could be there to comfort you all in person with a nice lunch, a walk or a shoulder to cry on. I hope you can have some peace this weekend, I need it too.????
Hi Lou- your son is to be commended for what he has accomplished and you should be proud. Hopefully, the things he’s learning while sober will stick with him if he feels the temptation again. I’ll pray that he stays the course, and I also pray for you and your family’s healing for all you’ve been through.
I don’t know about you, but I truly have PTSD from the things my son has done.
????
Ivy, please let us know if you are able to. There’s always hope, even if it’s hard to see it sometimes. Words I need to tell myself too…
We’re here for you ????
Ivy- my heart breaks for you. You’re in a situation no mother should ever have to go through. I have no words. I will continue to pray for you and your son and all his friends, and family for his complete and total healing and for an end to his addiction. I hope that you are not alone in this, and you always have us.
There are probably many success stories out there. They probably just move on from this place when things are finally good so we don’t hear about it.
But here we all are now, and we are here for each other. Please reach out here if you every need to. It sure helps me.
❤❤❤
Thank you Jem and Lindyloo. Your kind words mean a lot. I know it’s the addiction talking, it’s just hard when now, the majority of the time, this is the person I deal with. His brain is not right, so it’s nearly impossible to reason with him.
My daughter that I visited told me she was worried about me. She said I looked wiped out, tired, and have lost my sparkle. Hard to hear, but I know it’s true.
I told him I loved him last night and now I need a break to try and rejuvenate. As I’ve mentioned before, he’s imploding, so there’s more to come.
You all help me a lot- thank you.
I hope all your sons are doing better.
♥️♥️♥️
Hello friends, it’s me again. Yet another rough weekend. Last week I called my son to check in with him and he seemed good. He asked about me which is very rare, and because the conversation seemed fine, I told him I was going to visit his sister and my grandkids for the weekend. Big mistake..
The texts started the night before I left, and then emails started coming in to me, my husband, his sisters, my sister, his grandparents and strangely, the son-in-law of his step-grandfather who has at times tried to help him. They were all emails about how we judge him and how hurtful it is to him to label him an alcoholic, and then he started to say that this is his last word and that death is near.
Well you can imagine that the phone calls started come in to me the whole weekend. Me and everyone else were very worried. I reached out to him and he said everybody dies and other nonsense and just downplayed the whole thing.
Of course, we could not just let this go. His sister reached out to him by text, and they got into it. He said similar things to her and she called me, so I told her to call the authorities to do a wellness check on him.
Within an hour, he called me just furious that his sister had called the police on him! I told him that you have been talking death etc., and that I stand by what she did. He said that we all should know him better than that and that he was just talking metaphorically!! We argued for a good hour until midnight, and I had to fly out the following morning. He ruined my trip. I tried to be myself with my daughter’s family, but I’m human. He then sent an apology the following morning. His sister who called the police, was so mad after all that, that she texted him and said that he is toxic and she is blocking him. His other sister, the one I visited, hasn’t unblocked him since last spring, so she wasn’t receiving the emails. But she could tell something was wrong with me and everyone was calling me so I told her what was going on. I was talking to my sister the whole time and she was so angry at the nasty things he said in his email, some directed specifically at her, that she told me she is blocking him. His grandparents were calling me concerned. The son-in-law was contacting the grandparents because of his death threats. My husband was in the mountains and didn’t see or read any of this.
And now I’m left holding the ashes. He texted me last night and he is still angry at his sister and says we’re all judgmental and says that his emails about all of us are ‘truth’. He takes no responsibility for the things he said, except to say it’s from the concussion from when he got beat up (from my last post).
I’m completely exhausted.
Amen Kate- we are all different people, yet one and the same. We’re all part of a club that none of us wants to belong to.
Love you all. ♥️
Hi Bump, your situation is really what I am trying to avoid. Your son is much younger than mine, and I/we have done so much for him over these long years. I understand having him in your home as he gets back on his feet. I also don’t want to be a prisoner of his problem in my own home.
This has happened to us over the summers that he has stayed. I have an autoimmune disease that has gotten worse these last few years with his problems. And that’s with him not even living with me. It’s the stress and pain of his addiction.
My son also threatens that he’ll relapse if he gets triggered and I’m sure he has relapsed over things the family has said or done. I used to feel so bad about that, but really, we can’t possibly know what will trigger them and sometimes it’s nothing. There’s so much emotional manipulation with addiction, and I’m sure we moms get it the worst because we are soft-hearted with our kids.
I do know that even when they get clean (and kudos to your son for doing so for 7 mos!), they still have that addict mentality to work through. For alcoholics they call it “wet brain” where even though they are sober, they still have an addicted type brain with the fog, and paranoia etc.
I think there are probably people who think I’m mean-hearted too because they hear me say that I just can’t take him in my home. The farther along you get in this journey, for me- 10+ years, the more you feel different about that. I’m still there for him, we talk/text fairly often and I still plan to be there for him emotionally and spiritually. I love him so much, he’s my first-born child and my only son.
I will help him find the resources if he truly can’t get it together. I’ve talked to many people here who have been through this with an addicted love one, and in my area there is help if they reach out and use it. They don’t have to be on the street. They have halfway houses, shelters, counseling etc., if they are willing. We have several shelters where you can sleep and you have to leave during the day. We also have ones where you can stay, but you have to be sober and there is the real crux of the problem.
So truly, if my son were to end up there, he would be rejecting all the services that are there for him. But I’m sure those places aren’t pretty, and there are some hard-core people there, but it doesn’t have to be the street.
I love my son as much as all these mothers do. I don’t want this for him. I don’t want him living at a halfway house or shelters with scary people. When I imagine him on the streets, I break down sobbing. I just know for my son, if he comes here, he’ll never change. He’ll have a million reasons why he can’t get a job, or he’s sick, and on and on, and he’ll eventually wear out his welcome as he did every summer and we’ll eventually ask him to leave. And I’ll suffer in my own home which should be where I go for comfort from life.
When he started having problems with drinking in his PhD program, I told him to come home and start over. I flew out to where he was living to “save” him, I rented a big truck, and drove the two of us 1,700 miles in a winter storm at -6.66 celsius back to my home. He was drunk when I arrived to get him, and detoxed the whole drive. (Looking back, I enabled him by taking care of everything for him.) He lived with us for several months when he got here and didn’t do anything, so we had to urge him out to start his life. That’s when his grandmother gave him his small inheritance early even though I told her not to. And here we are 3 1/2 years since he’s been back here and a thousand tears later and the rest you all know the story..
Rant away any time you need to Bump, I just did!
Thank you Lindy Loo- I always appreciate your kind words. I’ve been quite down today which is why I reached out to you all.
I’ve already decided that I’m going to meet up with him and have a heart to heart with him so that he has a clear expectation of how things will be come this December. December is when his school will officially cut him off for non-completion of his work. I have to remind myself of all I’ve done for him for 10 long years, the money I’ve spent for him that I didn’t always have, the summers he lived with us and laid on the couch and didn’t work, and caused a lot of heartache drinking in our home. Many years back, I’m embarrassed to say that I even helped him pay for an Invisalign retainer to straighten his teeth in the hopes of boosting his self esteem and thinking that might give him confidence. I’ve done so many things…
I need to remind everyone that he is 39 years old- 40 in January- certainly not a child, or even a young adult.
I want him to know where I’m coming from and give him time to pull it together which I don’t have a lot of confidence that he will. He still thinks that he’s a victim of this disease and that’s he’s very unlucky, and that his family should care for him as they would a sick person. It’s all terrible as all you dear people know.
I’ll keep you all posted.
Thank you Kate. Hugs to you for all you’ve been through. ????
Hi Kate- he’s told me he also uses marijuana when he has anxiety. Marijuana is legal where we live, so he wouldn’t have to go to a dealer for that. I truly don’t know if he’s using anything else- addicts lie. Anything is possible at this point, he’s such a mess. I’m pretty sure if he’s using other drugs, it’s going to come out somehow.
I thought I had a pretty good handle on things, but I guess I don’t always. There just always seems to be excuses as to why he can’t do something or complete something. Maybe he truly does have a concussion, he didn’t go to a doctor as he should have, but there’s nothing I can do about it. It just seems like it’s yet another reason to not do the work he needs to do for the PhD that’s slipping away. There’s no way that the PhD is ever going to happen. He was supposed to meet with his director through Zoom last week and canceled. Saw that coming.
He actually had the nerve to say, “I thought that family is there for you when you’re down.” He said he doesn’t understand what he’s done that no one but me will talk to him. Really??
I’ve even had the thought that he’s making all this up because he’s setting up a scenario where he thinks I’ll be forced to take him in, but he’s mistaken there. I know that I can’t physically, mentally or emotionally have him here. I’m just dreading what’s coming..
Rough weekend. My son has been trying to get sober off and on the last few weeks. He tells me that he keeps trying to be that person who can be a moderate drinker and it never works.
He called me at 3:30 in the morning the other night and sounded awful and paranoid. (This always seems to happen, me and my husband were leaving the very next day for a weekend away to see some fall color in the mountains near us).
He admitted that he drank too much and he was freaking out because somehow he got back to his apartment and woke up the next day and thought that he had fallen, but then thought (and still does) that he got beaten up right outside his apartment in the hallway. He has been worried for some time because he’s fairly certain that the woman in the apartment next to his is a drug dealer. He says people are coming and going all the time so he complained to the landlord and now he thinks that maybe her and her boyfriend may have beat him up while he was drunk. The problem is, he can’t remember anything. He told me he has a black eye and bruises on his body.
I talked to him for two hours on the phone trying to calm him down. He was completely irrational when I talked to him last week. He wanted my husband to come and get him in the middle of the night and take him “somewhere”, I assume back to our house, and hire him a lawyer! He asked me to tell no one, because he can’t remember anything and he says people will just think he was drunk. He called me the next morning as I’m packing nd I told him so, and he said this is very important! Anyway, we left and I tried to have a nice time but worried about him because I have no idea what to think.
I just talked to him a half hour or so ago, and he apologized, that he is certain that he has a concussion and that is why he was irrational. (He did not go the doctor).
He’s frustrated with me because he feels that I “lectured” him when we talked because he says these unlucky things always happen to him and I pointed out the drinking doesn’t help things go right.
I’ve been very anxious today. I think that time is running out for him with his degree and he is running out of money and I anticipate that he will expect to come to my home. I just can’t do it. I can’t physically handle it and I’m pretty sure it will destroy my marriage.
I feel like he is emotionally blackmailing me. And yet, it’s awful that he is hurt.
Just had to vent…..????
Your son won’t be able to hide it from his girlfriend forever. With my son, it was his girlfriend at that time that was starting to express concerns about his drinking and at the time I wasn’t seeing it. He was living with her though, not me.
One of the hardest things, is that it is really difficult to get everyone on the same page in order to try and help them. Everyone has a very different idea of what they think is the right way. And really, the most crucial piece is them, because they are really the only ones that make the change anyway.
His sisters won’t talk to him right now, because he’s often not nice when he drinks. He thinks that’s terrible of them, he said so today. I try not to get stuck in the middle, but it happens all the time. Sometimes I wish they would so it wasn’t always on me but every person has their own limit. He alienates himself when he drinks and right now I’m the only person he connects with. It’s sad, he’s lonely and misses his family, but he just can’t be around his nieces and nephews in this state, so I get where my daughters are coming from. I just wish he had more support than me. Then there’s his grandmother (my first mother-in-law) who gave him his small inheritance early. It’s close to being used up. She knows his problems and still did it, and now it’s just enabled him for the last two years.
I’ll bet his girlfriend is going to be coming to you in no time wondering what to do….