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I think on some level, his girlfriend doesn’t want to know that there is something serious going on with your son.
For me, it’s not so much that I would ever commit suicide, it’s just that so many times, I just haven’t wanted to be around any more. I just wanted the pain to stop. I still get that feeling, like I did the other day when I posted. I just get tired of the sadness of it all and I wish that part of it would end and I would not have to carry around a private sorrow all the time. I’m feeling better and stronger today. I just have my moments and that’s why I’m so happy I have this forum.
You must know that it is NOT your fault. He blames you because that’s what the addicted brain does. Bump is right, that’s not your son talking. It has taken me a couple of years now to tune him out when he talks like that while intoxicated, and know that it is not me personally. My son has told me himself when sober, to not listen to him when he’s like that. He did it just today with a rude text because he is not sober right now, and I just told him I love him and stopped texting him.
It’s not easy being a single mom with these addicts. There are a few of us here. My son and daughters lost their dad too when they were small, and he was an alcoholic too. I’m sure this has played a part in my son’s addiction.
But, Georgie, you did the best you could under terrible circumstances and there are plenty of kids who lost their parents who don’t become addicts.
One of the things that we are all working on, is focusing more on ourselves. It’s not easy- having an addict consumes every corner of your life it seems. But, I’m sure, like me, you have a lot of people who love you and care about your well- being and want you around.
Hugs to you…..❤
Hi Georgie – you’ve found a good place to be yourself, be real and t get some support. We’re all trying to hang on and with each other, somehow we manage.
I’ve been on my journey with my son for a long time.
Would you consider seeing a counselor? It has helped me so much to keep my sanity.
Lou1321 and Bump- I’m so happy to hear your sons are doing better!
My son is only one month sober, but seems to have a much different attitude this time. I’m meeting him for lunch in a few days. It will be nice to be with him sober and himself. I’ll enjoy it as it is. ❤️
That’s a beautiful comfort that he knew you loved him. ❤️
Hi lalu54- thanks for that! We all need each other just to have safe place to express ourselves. You may like to look at the thread “Theresa”. It is a very active thread of parents with adult addicted children. Blessings to you…. ❤
Hi Kate- I’ve been thinking of you often. I know you are hurting, it must be terrible for you. You are clearly in the depths of grief. Crying is actually a very good thing for you when you need to. It doesn’t mean that you are “losing it”, you are deeply grieving the loss of your dear son and it is a release. Cry when it comes if you’re in a safe place to do so. You are entirely normal to miss your son terribly no matter that he had an addiction. He was your baby, and despite their addiction, we moms love them unconditionally forever. Even if some of us have to do it from afar. There have been times where I have hated my son as much as I love him.
You really did everything that you thought best AT THAT TIME. I say that because having an adult child with an addiction is a madness that no one know but us. It was perfectly normal for you to have experienced the range of emotions with this, including raging anger and disgust and wanting to set boundaries to save yourself and your family. That was perfectly appropriate to do so- we moms are human too and we can only take so much.
Did you know that one of the stages of grieving is bargaining? You say to yourself, ‘I’d take him back, addiction and all, just to have him back’. That’s a process of grieving. If I were in your shoes, I can guarantee that I would think the same thing.
Your situation has touched me so deeply. I saw that you loved your son through his addiction up and downs. Because of you, I’m trying harder to do that with my son.
It doesn’t mean that I will disregard my boundaries, they were too hard fought and won. My boundaries have to stay. For me and my son, I’ve learned that I have enabled him, including even with emotions, if you can imagine.
I had to stop enabling him because he was taking zero responsibility for himself and his problems. He’s been sober for a month after another stay in the hospital for withdrawal. These last few periods of sobriety, he’s been willing to admit his role in this whole mess. That’s something new. The future is always a question mark.
How true it is to take things a day at a time! I hope that you will be patient with yourself through all of this. Grief looks different everyday. Sometimes it feels like you’re going backwards, but you don’t. It’s just that some days are harder than others.
Thank you for being there for me during the hard times I’ve had. Your bravery gives me courage. ❤
I feel the same with my son. It’s a super hard balance to keep your distance from them in their bad times and still let them know you love them. I’m trying to do that right now while he’s not sober, but I must admit in all these long years of his addiction I’ve been everywhere in my emotions with him- anger, fear, disgust, anguish, sorrow.
I think it’s okay that your daughter remembers her true brother. I remember when husband died, I idolized him as perfect, which was so untrue, he was an alcoholic too, and unfaithful. It was my sister who brought me back to reality. Over time, I remembered him as he was, flaws and all.
Maybe your daughter will get there too. Love to you all.. ♥️
Kate- tell your daughter not to feel guilty. She needed to do what was right for her and her family. My daughters are the same. And I know it’s best for my grandchildren. Just wish things weren’t what they are.
My daughters are the same with their brother. They haven’t seen him for over almost a year and a half. They both have children and they don’t trust his behavior while drinking and they also don’t want him to embarrass himself in front of their children for his own sake. They don’t talk to him right now because of his erratic behavior. It’s heartbreaking for this mom.
My middle daughter is here from out of town and she’s not going to see him because he’s currently not sober. Sadly, he doesn’t even knows she’s here. And all of these fractures in my family is so sad for me. Made me cry the other day when we had a get together and he’s not there. He can’t be because he’s not sober but it makes me very sad just the same. Yet, I see where my daughters are coming from too.
The drug dealers, traffickers, and kingpins are the worst- murderers without penalty. Sadly, it’s no better here in the US. I’ve reached out when my son was acting crazy from alcohol and every place I called was useless. My son fights his own demons with alcohol- it’s everywhere. He’s two blocks away from a liquor store. I can’t even imagine if someone was actually calling him and tempting him with it on top of his own addiction. He goes to the hospital to detox and then it’s all on him. They give him resources which he uses for a while and then, well you know. No one follows up or cares. They just fall through the cracks. But he’s an adult, so technically it’s all on him. And I guess on some level, it is.
I don’t know what the answer is. It just hurts because these are real human beings with a disease and yet, it’s also on him to try and find what help there is.
Kate- sending you all my love. I hope your son’s memorial gave you and your family a chance to celebrate the beauty of your son’s life and all the good that he was.
Much love to you ????????????
Kate1- I’ve been thinking of you a lot and hoping that you’re managing okay. My heart hurts for you.
Thank you for sharing the funeral time. I’ll be thinking and praying for you and your family at that time.
We’ll all be there with you in spirit… ????
Hi Kate1- none of us can help our boys. Such a helpless feeling, when as parents we’re supposed to protect them. We all know it’s all on them and that’s so hard because we’re having to accept that the control is in the hands of our addict who is out of control and mentally compromised by the substance.
You’re a survivor. I’m sure you’ve seen things and gotten through things that you can never have imagined. And you still loved him- that’s a parent’s love and there is no other like it.
I think of you daily and pray for you and your family and all of us here and our addicted children too. Glad we all gave each other. ????
That is the agony of grief, that we can longer see them, touch them hear them, smell them. I remember that well when my young husband and the father of my children died 30 years ago. They are in a better place and we are left behind. Grief takes its time so just do your best moment to moment. ♥️
Kate- you did everything a loving mom could do. You can’t control another person’s actions, especially an addict’s- how we wish we could.
My best friend lost her son to drug addiction 6 years ago. She was in the same house with him because they were going to a court date in the morning together. She was literally one room away and her son still managed to take so many drugs/alcohol that he didn’t survive it. She doesn’t know when and where he got it. She said she was with him for several days before. I told her that you could could have been sleeping in the same bed with him and he still would have found a way to do what he did.
I have been by her side through all this and watched her go through her grief process. She struggled terribly in the beginning and wanted to die just to be with him. But somehow she carried on and now she derives so much joy from her 5 grandchildren. They get her through. She wanted answers for years and she never really found them. But she is doing better and someday, somehow you will too because there are people who love you and need you and you will meet your son again someday where he is at peace and whole.
Much love to you.. ♥️♥️♥️