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68862- I hope your son will finally see the light. He’s at least seeing that he needs help- that’s something to go on. Praying for you…. ❤
Bump22 is right and she knows. She had to do the hardest thing ever and the one we ALL fear is that they’ll be on the streets- you’re so amazing Bump22!
Take this time to rest and regroup and decide how you want to go forward. Hugs to you!
Peace to all my UK friends! ❤️
Debc is right Kate. It feels harsh but helping him too much just prolongs it. My counselor would tell you that he has no reason to change because you’re taking care of everything.
I have also in the past helped my son try to wean. Watching him sweat and shake and throw up and even providing him the beer to help him wean! It seemed like a loving thing to do but after it’s all over, I was completely wiped out and then he went back to drinking within a week or so at the time.
I started to realize that I just happened to be there at that terrible withdrawal moment with him and I felt like I was saving him and the truth is, his withdrawals certainly happen all the time and I don’t need the stress of being there. Now when he’s going through it, I urge him to go to the hospital. I worry if he doesn’t, he’s going to have a seizure and hit his head and no one will know. But can I change any of that? No! So that’s what they call distancing with love in AA. You always love them, but you try and protect your heart, emotions and physical well-being.
This is the awful part of the addiction. We can do nothing, it’s on them.
What I’ve learned is that they don’t change, so you must. Be prepared for him to turn mean when you do. He doesn’t want things to change because it’s working just fine for him. But it’s not working for you!
You have support here, you’re not alone. ❤️❤️❤️
My heart is hurting for all of you! It’s just so unfair. You’re supposed to raise your kids which is hard enough at times, and then have the reward of them living a decent life. Not this nightmare.
Jem it’s tough with the job. My job has a strong sales aspect to it, and I’m supposed to present a together and upbeat image. It used to be doable, but has been harder these last few years to fake it. To fake it is tiring too.
I get that hiding under the covers thing, just trying to find some kind of escape.
This I know, none of us deserves this burden in life or to be treated poorly. Unfortunately, my counselor had told me that this is their addicted brain. Sadly, this brain dysfunction continues for months even after they’re sober. I’m sure it’s hell for the addict, but I still think about those addicts who make the tough decision, both mentally and physically to stop and that means it can be done and I tell my son that. He likes to play that he’s the victim, he was born this way. But then based on that, aren’t all of their brains predisposed to addiction and yet many people stop.
Lindyloo, I’m sorry you’re starting to see the signs again – it’s gut wrenching.
My sister just told me about a good friend of hers who has a brother in his 50’s who’s an alcoholic. This friend of my sister’s no longer knows where his brother is and assumes he’s on the streets. This friend is very wealthy, so it’s not the money that could save him. No amount of money could if his brother won’t seek help. There are 9 kids in their family and eventually they all cut him off.
Together, we can hold each other up and give each other the strength to carry on and do what’s right for our lives.
I’m sorry you’re on your own with this. Really I am too. I’m married but my spouse is not his father (he died when he was a child). My husband is very supportive of me, but he easily puts him out of his mind and doesn’t feel all these things like I do.
Your situation sounds familiar. They get nasty when they don’t get what they want- my son has done that many times. I had to stop giving him money years ago.
Good for for seeing that you have to start setting some boundaries with him! It’s the only way to help yourself.
Hi Kate1- I’m so sorry for your pain. It’s so consuming and it’s not fair to you.
Have you considered a counselor or therapist if it’s possible for you? It helps so much to have someone who hears you and helps you get perspective on the craziness of this life with an addict. We are moms and just do the things that we always did and we don’t even realize that we’re actually enabling them to keep going with their addiction. I know I did and my counselor helped me to see it.
I also did a lot of research online about enabling an addict- I was guilty of many of them and I will tell you it just prolongs the misery. I wasn’t great at the tough love in the beginning either, but I eventually got there because I had to.
Maybe you’re not ready to cut him off completely, but perhaps you could start in small phases. Maybe you could tell him that if he has the money to pay for his partying, then he can pay for his own transportation to work and that you’re not going to pay for it anymore. If he tells you that he’ll lose his job, then that’s on him. He’s taking advantage of you, they all do because they’re addicts and are selfish because of it.
Stay as strong as you can, and take care of yourself as best as you can. You don’t deserve this, it’s not your or your husband’s fault. Hugs ❤
I’m so sorry Kate1. You’re not alone. You have friends here. The stress of all this is just too much.
It’s easier said than done to let them face their consequences, but it’s probably the only way that they’ll even think about changing.
Take care of yourself and gain strength from the others on here who understand your pain. Together, we can get through it.❤
Hello ladies-
68862, that is a terrible dilemma to have. I really don’t know what I would do in your situation with your grandson. I wouldn’t want to break that bond either and yet, there is a child to protect. I will pray for you, not an easy situation. The power of the addiction is so strong. They won’t stop for us mothers or families, but to think they won’t stop for their own children just blows my mind!
Lindyloo- thank you for your constant prayers and kind words. I will take any and all prayers! God has given us each other and I’m so grateful. ????
MrsB247- it really is a good thing that he at least finished his degree even if it was by the skin of his teeth. There’s at least something in him that knows he needed it. Even if he did it for you and his dad, he still did it. It could be there’s a chance with him, he’s still young and at least you have the leverage of telling him to move out if he’s not doing what he’s supposed to be doing. Still, you can’t wait until then until then to take care of yourself. I wish I would have done counseling sooner. It would have given me the strength to make him deal with the consequences of his drinking sooner. Who knows?
Update for me: you may recall that my son went to the hospital to detox around April 10th. We’ve only spoken by text since he’s been home. He says he’s been sober and recovering since then. I texted him a few days ago. He said that he’s still depressed, but that he’s been feeling more like himself. He asked if I would like to get together soon, but said he would understand if I didn’t want to. He said he wouldn’t be mean or strange. I said, let’s check in next week. I will be so nervous to see him. There’s just been so much damage done to me this last relapse. I’m sure it will be very awkward. I will make sure it’s in a public place. I’ll keep you all posted. He somehow managed to get in to a class this summer so I guess that keeps the loans going. It’s a daily class so hopefully it will make him stay on the straight and narrow. Really it just prolongs the inevitable.
I’m proud of myself because I have been able to focus still on my life, and not obsess over his daily status. I’ve been through this so many times, that I no longer think that this time he’ll finally stop for good. Of course I always hope, but I’m working hard on just living my life and not rushing back to get back in his which I used to always do.
Blessings my UK friends! ❤❤❤
68862- I don’t know how much we can take either. I don’t know about you all, but I have aged because of this and there’s no getting it back.
Sometimes I feel like I’m dying a slow death like he is and I’m embarrassed to say, that I have sometimes thought I’d be better off dead. Then the pain would end. But, I check myself and remember the good in my life and those who love me and I pull it together once more. I get you when you say you’re gutted.
As I mentioned recently, I went and saw my daughter and precious grandkids. It was so nice! I was looking at my sweet 12 year old grandson and it made me think of my own son and all the hopes I had for him- gone. I just cried to myself and thought ‘ how did we get here?’. When you have nightmares, you wake up and think thank God that was a dream! Now I wake up and am sick that this is real.
Truth is, we can’t take it forever- we’ll get sick. So we must learn to slowly take care of ourselves and I must learn to find a new way of living where his life doesn’t consume mine. I’m mad at him for making me have to do this. To live a life where he may not be in it. I can’t even imagine it and yet, it’s already pretty much true.
On good days, I say that I’m done and I can do this and be strong and just let him go and then I start to miss him. It’s a mess.
Blessings you all my UK friends. ❤️
Thank you 68862! I hope you Covid ladies continue to heal. You don’t need another thing!
Peace and joy to all. ❤️❤️
68862- congratulations on your new little angel! My grandchildren have truly been a saving grace for me. Dogs are angels to us humans too!
I’m heading for a trip to see three of my grandchildren for a long weekend. I can’t wait- I haven’t seen them since last October! I plan to be very present and just soak up the love! ❤️
Yes, Bump22 I’m glad to hear about your son! 3 months is something! You’ve all been through so much- take the blessings as they come. A day at a time…
Hi Asadmum- I agree with 68862 and Bump22. This is not your fault. It’s important to remember that. Many of us have other children besides our addict who are responsible and leading normal lives. If you start to blame yourself too much, it will take your resolve to allow them to suffer their own consequences. I know because I have done that. My son (and two daughters) lost their dad at a very young age ( he was 9, my daughters 6 and 4 ) and I overcompensated and tried to soften his life. Also, many kids do party a lot and a young age and just seem to outgrow it- not my son. And it sounds like you’re starting to see that with your son too.
68862 is so right. No money, loans or taking the consequences of his actions on yourself. I did too much of that too and I can tell you, it doesn’t work, it just delays the whole problem for years. You think they’ll be so appreciative of your help and they’ll get it together and they don’t.
This is so hard on a marriage, on other family members. I’m a big fan of counseling. If you could get him to go, that would be great, but if he doesn’t go, go yourself. Having an addicted family member takes you down hard.
You’re worth taking care of. You don’t give up on your son, we moms never do, but don’t make them your priority.
Hugs to you. ❤
Yes, the whole addiction thing makes you feel sick- both physically and mentally.
Thank you Lindyloo- love to you as well. ❤❤❤