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Thanks Lindy Loo! Yes, Mother’s Day was this past Sunday here in the States.
It was a mix of feelings- happiness and sorrow at the same time which is just crazy. My youngest daughter, who lives near me, decided to go out of town with her husband and two little ones. My middle daughter lives out of state and she sent me a sweet bouquet of flowers. I’m proud of both of them as moms. I realized that it meant that I would not be with any of my kids on Mother’s Day. ( My mom has passed.) I decided to go and join my sister and her family for breakfast with my hubby. It was good, but hard too to see their happy family.
I was not ready to see my son- it’s only been a couple of weeks since he went to detox. My son did text me on the day which I was telling myself not to expect. He sent me a bit of a strange card too about how we’ll get past this hard time, which i found strange because we are in this hard time because of him and he made no mention of that. I texted him thank you and told him I loved him very much.
Today I feel sorrowful. I made the best of Mother’s Day. I know there are good things in my life. But here is my safe place to let my feelings of sorrow out. My heart is just hurting that he has destroyed so much of his life and himself too. He was a good looking young man who now looks used up. He was a very smart young man who had it all going for him. My expectations of him are now so low, that if he can get and stay sober, I told him I don’t care what kind of job he does as long as its legal, moral and ethical. I don’t care if he lives in his tiny apartment for the rest of his life. I don’t care if he chooses to not every marry and have children. I just want him alive and sober and supporting himself. A far cry from what he was capable of.
Honestly, every holiday goes like this. I stay present and celebrate and do my best for those whom I love and who love me, and yet there is this sorrow.
To you all- thanks for letting me get it all out. Just feeling a bit sad today….
Hi cornwallmother2020. I’ve been thinking of you. You were one of the very first people to reach out to me about my alcoholic son, and I really appreciated that.
Things haven’t been great with him these past couple of years. He went to the hospital to get sober a couple of weeks ago and I hope he still is. Unfortunately, things have gotten so bad with him when he drinks, that he’s crazy and mean when he does and I have had to really distance myself from him pretty significantly. I’ve thought about you and I hope that your son is doing well and that you are doing well too. ❤
Hi mcmurray3- you are not alone. You are to be commended for stepping in and caring for your precious grandchild. This forum has been a great place for me to share and vent and not feel so alone when you have an addicted adult son like me.
Hugs to you ♥️
Yes, loving an addict and the suffering that it brings, is a hell that only we know. Part of what makes it so awful is the ups and downs, the uncertainty even when they get sober at times, and that this just never ends. Even when you take steps to remove them out of your life, you still suffer with an incredible pain in your heart. A long while ago, I used to hear about or know families who were estranged. I would think, ” I can’t imagine anything that my child would do that would make me stop talking to them.” How wrong I was. I couldn’t have seen this whole addiction thing coming. I thought love could conquer all and it just doesn’t.
MrsB247- I hope that you have connected with a good counselor. I hope your son does manage to finish his degree- my son hasn’t finished his PhD and I don’t think they’re going to let him back in. At least if your son finishes, maybe your son will get his life together and at least he’ll have that. You talk about the lost house keys, my son has probably lost at least 6 phones in the past- I’m sure while intoxicated. He’s been robbed while intoxicated, he’s had stitches on both sides of his face from falling. It goes on and on. Sometimes those feelings of ‘I can’t go on like this’ give you the courage to make small changes in how you deal with them, and gives you some breathing room.
nanny ger- oh how my heart goes out to you. I have not had the prison piece of it. I can’t even imagine that. My son has had two DUI’s, but didn’t have to serve jail time. This addiction lifestyle is so insane that it is definitely in the realm of possibility that there could be incarceration for something. I reached a limit with him a few months back when he was treating me so terrible and harassing me so bad that I had to block him on my phone- it felt so weird and yet, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I truly felt emotionally abused. We didn’t speak for months. When he’s drinking, I don’t even know who he is. I recently unblocked him because he reached out by email and seemed more calmed down.
When I was heading home from the trip that I shared last week, he texted me to tell me he had just gotten out of the hospital from detoxing for four days. He said he was very depressed. I didn’t know what to say, it’s the same each time. He supposedly has an addiction counselor, but I don’t know if he’ll even go- he hasn’t before. Our Mother’s Day here in the States is this upcoming Sunday. He said he doesn’t know what to do with Mother’s Day and I said I think you need time and I said, ‘So do I’. He hurt me so bad with this last relapse- he was so awful, honestly I’m not ready to see him in person. I want him to see his counselor and have longer sobriety. He said, ” I don’t see what sin I’ve committed that I should get the silent treatment. How long do I have to be sober for the family to say I’m officially sober”.
Wow- really??!! How do I even begin to tell him. I just said, ‘You keep going and we’ll talk’. Sadly, this tells me that he still doesn’t take responsibility for his actions while intoxicated. The pain he causes me makes me afraid of him, and I don’t which person he’ll be when I see him.
You are all brave, loving, and dedicated mothers. I’m know that we’ve all done more than we should have by now, but we’re moms and that’s all we know how to do . But we’re people too and Jem, you’re right. We have many people who love us and I know I need to remember that. You stop caring about yourself because you’re so beat down, but that’s just not right.
Love to you all. One day a time….❤❤❤
Hi Mrs. B247- counseling has helped me enormously over the years. It has helped me with the guilt, the grief over all that has been lost, the sadness, and the fear. I haven’t conquered all of it, and I may never, but I have improved a lot. I have also gone to many Al-anon meetings and I know it has helped so many people, but it wasn’t quite the right fit for me. At Al-anon, you don’t talk too much about your “person” who has the addiction because they want you to focus on yourself which is good too. But that’s why this place is so good for me because I do need to talk about him sometimes. I also don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. It’s such a hard place, if this was anyone other than our child, we’d probably cut them out of our life for good and have some peace, but it doesn’t feel natural to do that. And I don’t judge those parents who choose to do that either.
I know my son really, really needs counseling. He’s never really consistently done it and it’s so critical for him. He needs to get out of his own head and his distorted thinking. But, as with everything else, I can’t make him. You may have some leverage with them if they live at home, but mine doesn’t so what can you do?
The important thing is that you are a valuable human being, and deserving of some peace in your life. You have every right to take some of that wasted energy on them and put it on yourself. Hugs to you..❤
Thanks Lindy Loo- I’ll check out Danman. ♥️
MrsB247- you’re not crazy. It’s the addiction that is crazy. Your loved one tells you they’re fine, and you know in your head that it’s not true, but your heart tries to believe them because it makes you feel better in the moment. They tell you it’s no big deal, and that you’re overreacting and inside you pray that are, but you know that you’re not overreacting- you’re scared.
At least it was for me. I did this for many years, thinking it was just a phase, or youthful partying, or that it was because of the stress in his life. His sisters tried to tell me years ago and I thought they were being too hard on him and they were overreacting! The truth is, for me this has been a journey of trying to accept what I know to be true, that my son is an addicted alcoholic. I have had to accept it these last few years because they’ve been so bad, and still nothing different for him but the same pattern. And more things he’s losing like his health, his future career and most shockingly, his family which I would never, ever have thought possible.
Hang in there as best as you can. It helps if you and your husband can mostly be aligned in the things you do. Many marriages are torn apart from this, and you need each other.
Love to you ❤
Hello MrsB247- welcome to the group of people who know your pain. I’m much farther along than you in that my son has been an alcoholic for probably 10 years now. So much of what you’re expressing is what we’re all going through- it’s unbearable, but this group helps me get by. It sounds like your son is young. I really pray
that he will learn it’s not the way to live and change. Hugs to you! ♥️
I feel like you’re all my UK pen pals! I’d love to go there someday!
Thanks Lindy Loo! I live in Colorado, USA ????????. It’s about a 5 1/2 hour drive.
We’ll all keep putting our brave face for the world and then we have each other for the rough stuff. ????????????
68862- congratulations on your grandchild (5) due to arrive soon! My grandchildren are such an incredible source of joy to this weary heart. They bring such love and real smiles to my life. And my two daughters too. I’m so proud of the moms they’ve become. I have a good husband, a good extended family. They remind me that there is a lot of good in my life. It’s something I’m really working on- to put my energy in the good places. If I could just fix that one corner of my life with my son…… but I can’t. He has to. If you met me, you’d never know I carry this sorrow because I’m an upbeat person but of course it’s there. I’m so grateful that I have found all of you to have my safe place for that corner of my life that everyone else is probably sick of hearing about because it’s a roller coaster.
I hope you all had a beautiful Sunday. I’m heading home from a camping trip in Moab, Utah. Maybe you could look it up, it’s such a unique and incredible place! I mostly did great. Thoughts of my son most days, but overall a wonderful time.
♥️♥️♥️
Hi all- 68862 it’s such a hard thing to do when faced with icing me them money yet again. You’re always hoping that this take they’ll take the help and finally do something with it. I’m sure some do. With my son, I’ve had to say no for a long time now. He’s a taker.
I just texted him yesterday to see how he’s doing since going to the hospital to detox. He said he’s depressed which happens. I asked him if he got in touch with a therapist and he says he tried. Who knows? He said his problem right now is money. He was trying to get his doctorate a few years back and messed that up with his drinking. Now he’s trying to get back in the program so he can get student loans again. That’s how he’s been living all these years. He’s a career student. He has more student debt than he can even repay in his lifetime. Right now the university is saying no and he’s freaking out. In the this last relapse he actually asked me to support him financially so he could finish his degree which he hasn’t even been working on these last few years! He said, “Aren’t you proud of me and don’t you want me to finish?” Do you see the manipulation? Well I said no. I told him, you’re 39 years old and you need to get a job. I work for my money and you need to also. You’re not a kid. Well it escalated and he hung up on me.
It’s worrisome to me that his focus is more on getting loans than the hard work of sobriety. He usually does this when he gets sober and then he sees how bad his life is, how much he’s hurt his loved ones, and then the guilt and anxiety get too much and well, we know how what happens then. I pray he’ll dig deep and find the strength. I know it’s in there, but he’s developed such a pattern. He’s a loving person as I’m certain all of our sons are, I just haven’t seen that in him for a long while. I’m sorry I’ve been a bit negative. He’s running out of money and that means there’s going to be problems.
Hugs to all!!! ♥️♥️♥️
It is so nice to see them like their old selves! You do just try to drink it all in and enjoy that moment. I’ve had those with my son too, although it makes it bittersweet when their gone again.
My son recently went to the hospital to detox, which I was relieved to hear. It’s not safe for him to detox alone. He has to go there to get the medicine that helps him detox. He didn’t tell me he was going, just that he was there for four days and that he came home and cried. At the hospital, a social worker usually comes in and gives them resources which he never uses. I texted him a few days later and he just said that he’s exhausted and depressed. I just told him to hang in there, that he could do it. I have to keep my distance to protect myself. This last relapse of his was very difficult. He did and said a lot of awful things to me. I realize that it was the alcohol talking, but I’m human and those things affect a person. They’re hard to forget. When he gets sober, he says he wishes everyone could just forget the past and move forward. The guilt for him then is terrible. And then the guilt, anxiety and stress start to take a toll on him and then you start to see the cracks. I always pray that this time will be the one for good, but I’ve learned to not start to hope too much. It must be on mind though because the last few nights I’ve had dreams that he’s his old self again. I’ve had to accept that really he’ll probably never be that old self again completely, and I’ll have to learn a new normal.
I hope you’re all having a good day today! Best wishes to all! ❤️
Hello to all you strong and wonderful people! I am new to this post, but not new to Adfam. I have posted a few times, ( my original post was 7/24/20 if you want my story), and I have chatted with you Lindy Loo, and Jenny.
I have read through this whole post with a broken heart. We are all so the same, even if the drug of choice is different. My 39 yr old son’s is alcohol.
Lindy Loo- I pray your son stays the course. It hard to express the ups and downs with a loved one with an addiction. When they’re sober, life is so good. When they’re sober, you breathe instead of feeling sick. You actually get some sleep. Laughter and smiles feel so good because you’re not covering up something. The sun shines brighter…
Bump- You have been through so, so much with your son. The stories mimic some of mine in that you can’t believe you’ve experienced such horrific things with their addiction! It causes traumas within you that you never get over.
Lindy Loo and Bump- I pray for your recovery from Covid. How awful to have to deal with this on top of your troubles. I have Rheumatiod Arthritis, an autoimmune disease and I struggle to keep it under control with the stress of it all.
Ivy- your feelings resonated so much for me. You do start to lose yourself. You no longer feel like a normal person in society. You listen to how other people talk about how great their adult children are doing and you stay silent because you’re afraid someone will ask about them and you’ll either have to lie or just try to be very vague about it. Unfortunately for me, my son while intoxicated, has lashed out at family members and such and I finally had to tell everyone what is really going on. It’s so hard. I even had to tell one of my best clients, because for a while he was posting strange things on social media. It’s like trying to keep water from overflowing a glass. I used to be a fun-loving, silly, person at parties and now I just kind of hang back. I actually try not to go to parties. Plus, I’m so wiped out most of the time.
Nanny ger- After 9-10 years of this alcohol problem with my son, I have reached a place like you that it’s time to step back. I had to block my son from communication for almost a month ( see my post on 2/22/21) because he was harassing me all day with texts about how I am a sinner and it is his spiritual duty to show me my sins. Apparently, one of my sins is that I “judge” him for being an alcoholic. He says, “I was born this way- I didn’t choose it”. That’s not the case at all. I do “judge” him for not doing anything to actively change his problem.
I hear all of you brave women. I listen to you and want to reach out and hug you. I get a bit upset and think, “How could their kids do this to them!” And yet, I’m the same.
I just know this, that he continues to do the same thing over and over, so I must be different. I’ve made so, so many mistakes and have enabled him so much through the years. It took me so long to piece it all together and see it for what it is in the bright light of day. I’ve spent so much time trying to fix his problem and it hasn’t worked at all and it takes such a toll.
It seems like we moms are supposed to love our kids to the detriment of ourselves, and that just doesn’t seem right. When did I stop being a person? I wouldn’t allow anyone else in my life to treat me the way he does. I’m grieving the loss of the boy I knew. I can’t even call him a man because he doesn’t act like one. I’m angry too. Just so many emotions. A day at a time. I want to love myself more than the dysfunctional love I have with him right now….