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Hi Imagine Dragon, Bump and Penny are right about setting boundaries that protect your mental sanity. It’s so incredibly stressful, you are in a constant state of anxiety over the next awful thing they will say. When my son was at his worst a couple of years ago, he was constantly texting me saying an angel came to him to tell him that I am judgmental and a sinner. It went on for months on texts and emails, and then he began to go after my family members- just talking about it makes my anxiety go up. It was frightening- I thought he was losing his mind. But I couldn’t take it anymore and I did like Bump and said that I am blocking him until he stops all this. I didn’t speak to him for a couple of months- it was horrible.
Now that we are down the road, I see things in a different light. In some ways, I think it was a cry for help and the anger and recriminations that he directed at me were really the anger he had towards himself. Of course, I didn’t know it then and the pain is still there since talking about it makes me have emotion.
I told my son clearly that when you get like that, I’m out, until I decide. Just because it’s your son doesn’t mean that it’s not verbal abuse. THEY WANT TO WEAR YOU DOWN SO THEY CAN KEEP USING WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES.
When my son had his latest relapse a few weeks ago and started the angel talk again, I almost fell back in that hole again, but I remembered everything I’ve learned and I pulled it together and turned the focus back on me. Fortunately, he figured out that it was a mistake. He has been apologizing profusely for the things he said and has discussed it with his counselor- things I never thought possible years ago. He’s back on track again. I keep my heart protected though, I can feel it.
One more thing, it may or may not be the addiction talking when they are nasty, but the bottom line is, they are still responsible for the things they do even if they are under the influence. If you beat your wife while drunk, you’re arrested. If you kill someone while you’re behind the wheel of a car while drunk, you are charged with murder here in the US. I assume it’s the same there. One of the only ways to make him accountable is to do as Bump and Penny say, which is.’ I will not tolerate your language and behavior and here’s my boundaries’, whatever you decide what those are. Start small, it’s easier to stick to it. I like Bump’s idea of a set time so you can have some peace.
You can do this. Sometimes the only change that happens is when we do. Stay strong- you’re worth it. ❤️
Try not to be so hard on yourself Fed up mom. It’s so difficult to know what to do as a mom. And we’re challenged with not acting like a “mom” when we’ve been doing it with them their whole life. But unfortunately, with them being an addict, it muddies the waters. I’ve done many things I regret that enabled my son. Maybe your son just wants to know he has support. I would try and not feel guilty if he doesn’t get himself up. I would tell him, ” I’m here to give you a boost, but you have to get yourself up each day. You’re 32 years old and it’s your responsibility to get up.” Enabling might make you feel better for the moment, but unfortunately, it doesn’t do a thing for them. I know all too well. This is not your responsibility to wake him up each day and you shouldn’t feel any guilt about that.
I thing all of us on here are reaching out because we are so lost. We learn from others and we often see truths we don’t want to see.
If you go back and read your own post and pretend it’s not you, (which I’ve done with myself), you’ll see some clarity I think.
Here’s my two cents on the legalizing aspect. Legalizing and addiction are two completely different things. Where I live in Colorado, USA, marijuana was legalized years ago. I really don’t care either way, at least it decriminalizes something that can be recreational for many, same as alcohol. Addiction is different. There are many people on this forum who have sons who are truly addicted to it and they are living the same scary lives as everyone else on here. Addiction is very complicated. I do believe their is choice, especially in the beginning, but I do think it reaches a point where they are physiologically in the grips of it and choice takes a back seat. However, there is beauty in that choice, because thankfully, many addicts can finally make that hard choice to stop.
I’m grateful to hear all the stories. This is a journey and we change and grow along with them and learn that it is truly on them and all we can do is support and love.
On a good note, as I mentioned that my son had a relapse after four months of sobriety. Thankfully as Lindyloo and Joanie said, he realized his mistake and reined it in fairly quickly after a couple of days. Who knows what will happen next.
I’m with Jem, they need our love and support and we just have to learn how to give it and not enable because it doesn’t work, and to not allow ourselves to be harmed in the process. Big work. We’re stronger together.
Love to all! ❤️
Hang in there ImagineDragon. It’s so very hard to know what to do.
Get your rest. ❤️
Hi Imagine Dragon- I’m sorry about your son. This definitely complicates things doesn’t it? I have certainly witnessed my son’s health deteriorate drastically in the past few years. Our sons have different addictions, so I would imagine they experience different health issues. My son is an alcoholic and he was beginning to have seizures, both times I was present, once on the phone with him and I called an ambulance and the other time was in my car and I took him straight to the hospital and he was fine with that.
Blood in his vomit doesn’t sound right. I’ve heard that people who use weed can get a condition where they vomit a lot. But the blood part doesn’t sound right.
You’re doing what I would do. I know you have your boundaries, but when they are ill, they need help. My son is an addict, but he needed care. The loss of vision sounds scary too. Even though your son is ill, he’s still addicted and that’s all he knows right now. My son had a 9 hours surgery for shattering his ankle (probably while drinking) and was drinking within a few days after surgery- scared me to death!
I would urge him to go the hospital if you can. The abuse they put their bodies through is so scary. I don’t think you’re overreacting, I would want to know.
Thank you Jem. I hope you’re right that he sees sobriety feels better. I’m sure that as soon as he hit the stress with his ex, he just went for what he knows- alcohol. I ran the whole gamut of emotions again, but luckily, I’m learning to keep it somewhat in check.
I will check out Kulstars story.
Thank you Joanie and Lindyloo for your kind words. I feel a bit better today. I’ve just got to be forward thinking and pray he sees the light.
Hugs to you both. ❤️
Hi everyone. Sadly, I have to report that my son has relapsed after 4 months of sobriety. He was doing so well. I don’t actually even know what happened. I called him since it had been about a week since we had talked, and I got back one of his mean and nasty texts that I was suspicious and judging him and I was a sinner. Those of you who have followed my story know that this is his pattern. I tried to shake it off, but it really hurt even though I know what is going on. He’s spent the last 4 months apologizing for all those times and here we are again. The only thing I know is that his ex-fiance (from 11 years ago) called him which I find very odd. She remarried long ago. I suspect my son called or posted something on her social media and that prompted a call.
It’s so sad because both of his sisters have seen him because he’s been doing so well and it’s been years since they’ve seen him and it went well when he saw each of them. And my youngest daughter even invited him to her kid’s upcoming birthday and he hasn’t seen them for 3+ years.
I’ve been trying to be pragmatic about it and remind myself that this is how it goes, but I’m pretty deflated. Despite his text last night that I am evil, I reached out today and urged him to go to the hospital and get on top of this before he has a seizure. I haven’t told anyone, because everyone has been rooting for him and I just can’t bring myself to say anything in case he can get it together- so I carry it alone except for you all. ❤️
Hi ladies- Lindyloo, Joanie, Lou, it’s so good to read your posts! I’m so glad that your sons are doing well, hats off to them! Jem, it sounds like your son is trying. I’m sure it’s harder than we all know for them to make these changes.
I’m glad to say that my son is doing well still too. I saw him today for lunch and he looked so good. We talked a lot about how’s he’s doing. He’s been sober for a few months, but to us, that’s so wonderful. He is seeing two different addiction counselors. He is actually taking responsibility for his life and where he is. My middle daughter is coming in town and she wants to see him and he’s so happy about that. My youngest daughter met us for a lunch a couple of weeks ago, and we kept it light and it went well. As you all recall, they haven’t spoken to him for a couple of years. I pray our family can heal- it’s been rough.
Addiction is truly a disease, and I do believe that in the beginning stages, there’s probably some choice in the matter, but when they get heavy in to the addiction, they’re fighting every day to stop and it’s so very hard. I told him today that I’m actually grateful that there is still some choice in this disease, because he was able to say, ” I can’t do this anymore”. He’s very apologetic. I told him this is a part of our life and we can’t bury it- we just have to live it and accept it and talk about it when we need to. Our journey continues and who knows what will happen?
I have learned so much from everyone here. There is so much strength here. When I didn’t think I could find the strength to set some boundaries, the stories of nannyger, Bump, and Penny who have had to make very hard choices to help themselves and their sons too. And making these hard choices doesn’t mean you don’t love them or are not a good mom. Lindyloo has always been of voice of kindness and reminded me that you can show them kindnesses in ways that you are comfortable with. And Kate1 really helped me change my whole perspective- that you can love them no matter what- even in their addiction.
For the ladies who are still struggling, we are all here together and it’s only possible to live in the day. What works for one person, is not even possible for another. We find strength in each other. We did not ask for this life, but here we are. Love to you all! ❤️
Hi Imagine Dragon- it is all very hard. I’m sure that you are doing the best you can, don’t be too hard on yourself. Loving an addict is an impossible situation that we as family members are not at all equipped for. For me, I had to stop enabling in small ways. It was the only way I could do it for my own sanity. You can find the strength to do small things that help him to face his own consequences.
The food thing is very hard. I would actually get my son groceries rather than giving him the money for groceries. It’s a small way of having some control that he won’t use your “gift” for his addiction. At the time, my son didn’t want groceries at all. He wanted money and you can imagine why. You could also put him in touch with local food banks where he could pick up some things. My son would never have done that either. He wanted money and he wanted it for alcohol.
Continue to strengthen yourself so you can have the resolve you need as time goes by. Hugs. ❤️
Joanie- I’m so sorry that your test results weren’t what you were hoping for and that you had to have surgery.
I’m glad your son is doing great- at least that keeps some of the stress down for you.
There are so many different emotions to deal with long term with us moms.
I really hope you can rest and take this time to just care for yourself. Hugs ❤️
Hi Fed up mom, please know this is not your fault. These insults he throws at you are the addiction talking and it wants what it wants and it doesn’t care about feelings. Don’t internalize these awful words, it’s hard not to, but my son has told me straight up to not listen to the things he says while intoxicated. It used to hurt me so bad, but now I try to remember that.
Something that helped me is to step back and read your own posts and pretend that this is someone else. You would look at that poor woman and say that she should not put up with this! And you don’t have to either. Another thing that helped me to stop giving my son money is that my counselor told me that every time I give him money or bail him out somehow, I am prolonging his addiction- ouch. But it’s true, they need to have a reason to change, and hitting hard times is often a reason.
Perhaps you can start by telling him you love him very much, but you are not going to assist in his addiction any longer. Be prepared for him to get very nasty because he will not want to be told no. My son told me I was abandoning him, and I didn’t love him, and he was going to be homeless etc. You could tell him that you will be turning off your phone during the night because you need your rest for work. Tell him if shows up at your house banging on the door, you will not answer and if he doesn’t stop, you will call the authorities and that will be on him. I continued to tell my son that I loved him and that I am here for him, but not in that way anymore.
You matter too and you need some semblance of peace in your life. I’ll be praying for you. ❤️
Fed up mom- it is really shocking. I think we all have that problem of thinking of them constantly. The sad part is that it changes nothing with them, and makes us stressed out. I’m sorry that you’re alone in all this. I don’t know if you’re interested, but I see a counselor and I find it so helpful. I have a husband- he is not the father of my children and it’s very easy for him to disconnect from it, so I actually feel alone sometimes too. Being alone is all the more reason to take care of yourself.
And hopefully this forum will help you not feel so alone. Honestly, even friends and family members if they are there for us, really don’t understand the insanity and pain of this all..
Hi Fed up mom, welcome to the forum. I’m sorry to hear what you are going through, I can hear the frustration and anguish in your letter. I hope that you can find strength in all the moms here who understand what you are going through.
You do not have to take abuse. We are moms and we give and give, and unfortunately with an addict, it is not helpful and sometimes even harmful as we enable their addiction by too much help. I know, I’ve done it.
I agree with Kate, if you’re not ready to call the police on your son, just take it a step at a time and start small- maybe by just telling him that you will no longer give him money. It’s very hard because you must stick to it or it means nothing and if you give in, then they just up the abuse until you do.
You have a right to your own life and peace. You have a right to enjoy your other children- they matter too. I also have three children and my son’s siblings told me the same, that they have suffered by all the care I have given to him, and really that’s not fair to them either. It’s so hard.
But you can’t please everyone, so you must start with yourself. Perhaps you can read about addiction, and about enabling- it’s eye opening. What would be normal mother behavior for any other child, is enabling to an addict.
Stay as strong as you can and start small, but just begin. That’s how change can happen- for you. We are all here for you. ❤️
Hi Joanie59. I’m sorry to hear about your biopsy. I pray the results will be good!
Penny is right. Self care must be paramount right now. You gave so much to your son to get him well- I hope he sees it. While he’s doing alright, I would try and rejuvenate as best as you can. None of us knows what’s around the corner. Maybe you should tell him about your health concerns. He really ought to show some care and worry about you for a change.
Keep us posted- hugs to you. ❤️