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Hi Joanie59, I’m sure you have PTSD among other things. But I also think there’s a sense of depression that overcomes you when they’re finally doing well. It’s almost like you’re emotionally and physically exhausted after all you went through. And there’s no guarantee that it will last, so that’s a worry too.
My son is currently still doing well and I’m so grateful for that. I just can’t let my mind go to the thought of relapse- I get overcome with fear. I also have Covid right now and I’m so glad I didn’t get it while things were bad. There are many moms who have had to deal with Covid while they’re dealing with all their son’s issues.
I’m sorry that your health hasn’t been so great. It’s like once things calm down, you realize the serious toll it took on you. I hope you can separate yourself from your family’s problems enough to try and recover yourself. ❤️❤️❤️
Nowsthetime- I am so sorry to hear all the pain you have suffered with the loss of your husband and your son’s addiction/anger. You have been through so much.
I hope you can find some strength and peace with this forum of moms who are all trying to get by.
I think we are all broken people and people with PTSD. I believe we are stronger together and can help each other through.❤️
Hi Dasey- welcome to this forum. I hope it will give you comfort in knowing you are not alone in this difficult journey.
Sometimes it takes us reaching a point where we just can’t do it anymore to start making changes, even if it starts with ourself. I would encourage you to learn everything you can about addiction, setting boundaries and enabling. We’re moms, it’s all we know how to do, but our mothering can actually enable their addiction- I know I’ve been guilty of that. Right now, your son doesn’t really have any reason to change in his current environment. It’s very hard to know what to do. Perhaps seeing a counselor will give you the strength to take back your life. It’s scary to start saying no them, because they will push back- hard.
It helps to start with small steps. Maybe tell your son you will no longer clean up after him. Even though that will be hard for you to see the mess, it’s the point you’re trying to make.
You have a right to a peaceful life. It sounds like you have a large, wonderful family and you deserve to enjoy all of that.
Stay strong- hugs. ❤️
Hi desperatemum2- I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. You do not deserve this and to feel like a hostage in your own home.
Kate is right, you must look after you. Loving an addict is so isolating, you are not alone. Just because you are a mom who loves her son, doesn’t mean that you have to take abuse. And that is what is happening to you. Many of us on here have said that we would never take the kind of treatment that our sons do to us when they are in the the throes of addiction.
If you’re not able to do Al-anon at home because of him being there, I would start looking in to information online about setting boundaries with an addict. There are moms on here who have had to remove their sons from their home because of their abusive behavior. You may not be strong enough for that, but you can certainly begin to set boundaries with your son in smaller ways.
You must care for yourself, because in their state they won’t take care of you and that hurts, I know. So you must find a way to do it for yourself, your other children who love, you and all the other family and friends who love you too.
Stay with us here, we are all stronger together.
Yes, if only. I wish I had better words…. ❤️
Thank you Lindyloo! This is the longest he’s gone in a while. He sounds good and looks good.
I’m definitely using this time to just be ‘normal’ for a bit and get some rest and enjoy things- including him, while he’s good. He found an addictions counselor that he really likes which he hasn’t said before. He’s been going to church- which helps him feed the soul. His counselor wants him to be open to a support group and he said he would. I pray he just keeps going. ????
Thanks for your note ❤️
Yes, this is what addiction does- it destroys. My son is 40 and really hasn’t even begun to live a functioning life because he’s been he’s been an alcoholic for so long. He also doesn’t have friends and the majority of his family except me, don’t talk to him. Can I just share with you that it is because it’s very, very difficult for family members to ride this rollercoaster. I tell my son he has to respect what each family member can handle.
I believe this is why so many of the moms here have suggested some sort of support program. I can’t seem to get my son to do it. But, then you’d have people who truly know your struggles and can celebrate your victories even if they’re small. They understand.
Based on my son, at 8 days sober, your body is trying hard to get to normal and there is depression, fatigue and not feeling well. Keep pushing on. My son is now about 3 months sober right now and he’s more and more himself all the time. I have no idea if he’ll stay this course.
You mustn’t give up. You matter.
Pambler- addiction is the devil. 8 days- that’s something! Just keep going day to day, that’s all you can do. Any more than that is too overwhelming. The good man you are is still there waiting to shine. ❤️
Don’t feel shameful Pambler- it’s not a productive emotion. I’m fairly certain you never thought you would become addicted. Yes, addiction takes over, but you’re still in there and you must fight. I don’t know how long you’ve been sober, but I know that when my son gets sober, the shame and guilt are huge. You must put your energy in to positive things and getting better, not on beating yourself up.
I think it was Penny that said it best, remorse and sorry are actions. When you have those guilt feelings, channel those back in to your recovery and do something healthy for you.
Keep hanging in there..
Kate- I hope that this upcoming 1 year anniversary is not too difficult for you. You’ve probably come a long way this last year and I hope that your grief has softened a bit since last year. I hope that time has healed your heart. I hope that you remember your son for the wonderful person he was, then what the addiction did to him. ❤️
Joanie this is very good news and you have every reason to celebrate and be proud of your son. I think it’s very important to tell our sins well done when they’ve managed to do well. I think it’s helps them when they hear positive words.
I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit. The fact that your son knows how much you love him and stood by him probably gave him courage. ❤️
So true… ❤️
Penny I’m glad he’s been found, and I’m sorry for the turmoil this puts you all through. Addiction is such an exhausting roller coaster.
Peace to you. ❤️
Hi Pambler- I admire you for being able to read these posts from us moms- not an easy thing to do. Don’t feel selfish for talking about yourself. Yes, it’s a hard road for the loved ones, but I can say that my son is in absolute hell when he is not sober- many people suffer. In fact, you must think of yourself initially to start the road to sobriety. You must prioritize yourself and help for your addiction in order to get well. My son expresses deep guilt when he gets sober at what he has done to his family. I tell him to focus on himself and getting well and there is a loving family waiting for him.
Whoever are those people who love you, whether family or not, I imagine they want the same for you.
Never, ever give up. You might relapse, but stop as quickly as you can and start again and don’t look back on it. From what I’ve read about addicts, those who get sober and remain sober, just reach a point where enough is enough. I will pray for you. You can do this.
Kate1, I thought it might be coming up on the 1 year anniversary of your son. I hope the pain has lessened somewhat for you and your family. Love to you. ❤️
Hi ladies- my heart goes out to all of you for the terrible position we are all in. I hear the pain and anguish, the anger, the fear. The enabling part is a very fine line. I’ve struggled with it myself. But I do know that too much enabling does prolong things for sure.
Taking care of ourselves is critical- it’s so all consuming. My sister and I are only 15 months apart (I’m the younger of us), and you can see the toll that life has taken on me compared to her.
Addiction is very complicated. Addiction by nature, makes them selfish people and they can’t see that at all. I happen to believe that addiction is multi-dimensional. I think that there is some choice in there, and yet, they become physically and mentally addicted and that overtakes choice at times. I think they are emotionally empty and have trouble coping. So it’s no wonder that they need so many different types of help and often don’t get that help or don’t want it.
My son happens to be a very nice and kind man when he is sober, but he is mean when he drinks. And I’ve told him, when you’re like that, I’m out for a bit.
Currently my son has been sober for about 5 weeks- yes, I’m counting and I’m proud of him for it and tell him so. His attitude is very different, he’s not blaming everyone else for a change. He’s doing well and he’s actually seeing an addiction therapist that he actually likes which has never happened. If you’ve read my posts, my son was starting to have seizures. I can only hope that that is what rattled him enough to try and stop.
You never know how things will go, so I’m just using this time to try and mentally, physically and emotionally recharge my battery. I pray a lot.
These things are not our faults. We are all moms who tried our best and are still trying our best in an impossible situation that we are not at all equipped for.
I think of you all daily and pray for all of us and our addicted sons daily. Love to you all! ❤️