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Hi Kelly8- I’m sorry to hear about your struggles and your son’s too. He’s still young and there’s the hope that he will get it together. Try and get some help for yourself, both physical and mental. Dealing with addiction can take you down hard and then you’re no good for anyone in your life. My story with my alcoholic son is very long and I see things in a different light in hindsight. If you can, try to learn how to not enable your son. Love him but don’t enable him.
Yes, there are sad stories here, but also a wonderful support from people who truly understand this crazy life. Remember, there are perhaps other children in your life and partners and other people who love you and need you.
And I’m sure there are success stories too, but they likely move on from here.
Stay as strong as you can. Prayers for you. ????????
Welcome to the forum M82. I hope you find this place a source of understanding and a place to share the crazy life of loving an addict. It’s been very helpful for me. ????
????Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! ???? Although, it isn’t fully happy is it? Holidays never really are. You make the best of it.
joanie59- I’m worried about you. It seems like you are under a great amount of stress even though your son seems to be doing fine. Somehow that just doesn’t seem fair. You deserve to have your own life. I hope you can find the strength to get back to your own life and your partner and all the things in your life that lift you up.
My son is drinking again. My birthday was last week and he texted me and said he’d like to go to lunch. I said sure, but I never count on anything because he seems to often set a plan with me and then cancel- and we know why. Well, he called me about a 1/2 hour before we were supposed to meet and he didn’t sound sober. He said he dropped his phone and it was not working properly and seemed distraught about it. I finally said in the nicest way I could, that he didn’t sound like himself and I would prefer to see him when he is more “himself”. I just don’t really like being around him when he’s intoxicated- it’s too strange. We talked for a while and he cried and said how sorry he was over and over and that he doesn’t understand why this addiction happened to him and that he wishes he didn’t live in a country that is so capitalistic. ????? See what I mean? I can’t tell you how many phones he’s lost or broken by dropping them- at least 8+. I talked to him and then said let’s get together when he’s more “himself”. Birthdays have been so bad for so many years. I tried to focus on all the good people in my life and felt lots of love, but as we all know, with a sorrow in my heart- always.
I’m sharing this quote with all of you. I don’t even know where I found it, but I cut it out and pinned it up, so I’ll remember:
“You have one life to live and you get to choose how to live it and who you surround yourself with. As harsh and callous as that might sound, it is most probable that it is the only way for you to have a meaningful, fulfilled life. Addiction and dealing with addicts is a full-time job that requires more time and energy than most people have in a lifetime. This all-encompassing pursuit will suck the life out of you and leave you empty, depressed and hopeless if you let it. Sometimes, the best course of action is to start a new life and get as much joy and happiness you can muster for the heartbeats you have left. The choice is always yours to make. The best decision you can make is to let go of any false guilt you have concerning any dysfunction of your past concerning addiction and surround yourself with people who build you up, support you and love you for who you are, not what you can do for them. Detach with love, wish them well, and pray for them. It is not your responsibility to save them or the world. The best thing that could ever happen for you or them is to save yourself, so that you are a living testament that hope of a better life is still alive in the world.”
Hugs to all… ????
Well said Halo20. ♥️
Halo20- yes, your story sounds so very much the same. You’ve been through a lot. And you just get to the point where you just have to let things play out because anything you do doesn’t change anything except make you crazy. Your private thoughts are the same as mine. I’m glad we all have each other.
Hugs ❤️
Hi Emma- welcome to this forum. It really has been a godsend to me and many others, a place where we can share in an understanding space. I’m sorry to hear about your sister. Your story sounds very much like my son’s- he’s a severe alcoholic too. He too, has suffered from alcohol psychosis multiple times. It’s absolutely terrifying. It’s so deflating when you get everything together for them to finally get the help that you know they desperately need, and then they refuse. Something similar happened with us a couple of years ago. At his counselor’s recommendation, we coaxed him in to a place we thought was to be a detox and then to rehab. It turns out it was just an overnight detox center and he checked himself out the next morning and told me to never put him in a prison like that again. It’s an impossible situation for the families of these addicts. The decision to get well must be on them. And you’re left with trying to make your own life a bit better. I’m sorry for your family and your sister. I’m glad your mom has you.
Halo20- it’s good to hear from you, but I’m sorry you’re still on your rollercoaster with your son. The overwhelming sadness is a constant. It’s hard to hope, but we do anyway as we should. Some addicts do get and stay sober. Hang in there as best as you can- you’re not alone.
Bump- even though things have been awful for you lately, there is a small positive that your son seems to at some point get back to therapy somehow. I hope he sees that it’s the only way that he can a part of your home again. Try and rest now that he is temporarily safe, it takes it’s toll doesn’t it?
bella73- you may have been on here before and I missed it, but welcome anyway. You sound like me in that you just keep trying to have a normal relationship with the son you used to have and it just doesn’t work. I text and very occasionally see my son (when he’s sober) and it’s strained- at least for me. I’m wary of him- he’s hurt me a lot. As I said to Emma, as hard as we try, we can’t stop them from ruining their lives. You can control only what you can control, which is to set boundaries for your self so you don’t go down too, take as best care of yourself as you can, and give your energy to those in your life who deserve it and will reciprocate it. And pray..
Ladies- I think and pray for you all and I pray for all your addicted loved ones too. Much love ❤️
Hi Jem- isn’t it amazing how amazing it is to feel “normal” for just a bit. We forget how that feels! I think, ‘this is what other people must feel’, and how much more I could accomplish in life if I did! I hope it gave you enough peace to catch your breath for just a minute.
Joanie- I’m sorry you are having to carry your son’s sobriety on your shoulders. You deserve a life with your partner- you’ve earned it.
nannyger- you’ve been on my mind. I can hear the weariness in your voice. 20+ is a long time to have dealt with all you’ve been through. I understand what it’s like when you have to step away for your sanity. But it hurts to not speak to one of your children. It feels so unnatural. I’ve had to step back at times to get some kind of control of myself so I don’t feel like I’m drowning.
My son has been going up and down with his sobriety. He was doing well around Christmas and he’s been slipping since. I did see him around his birthday- his 40th. My sister and her two college-aged children came and they helped keep things fairly normal. It was hard for me to see my sister’s kids so full of life and their future and then look at my son. My son looked very thin and a bit haggard with dark circles under his eyes, although he looked better than other times I’ve seen him. As I drove him home, he said he felt sad that he has missed so much of what’s going on with the family. I stayed positive and drove away and was sad for days. A handsome, bright young man with so much promise. After 10+ years of this, I still CANNOT believe that this is his life (and mine too).
I reached out to him a couple of days ago and he didn’t respond, so I guess I know what that means.
Bump- I hope things have calmed down and hopefully improved with your son.
I hope you all have a nice weekend. We’ve finally had some snow here in Colorado- off and on for the last couple of weeks. It’s very pretty. I need the change of seasons. I need things to at least change around me with nature since my life continues on with the same story. ❤️
Hi Joanie59, I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I don’t have the answers. I can say that you are not responsible for your son’s sobriety whether he is with you or not. He and he alone, is responsible for his sobriety, and haven’t we all seen that there is not a whole lot that we can do to maintain any sobriety with them, although it sure seems like they try to pin a relapse on their families sometimes. My son tells me that when I say anything negative, he feels guilty and then it triggers a relapse. That really bugs me. I’m supposed to stay silent and walk on eggshells, that’s very hard to do. We’re human too.
I really hope that you are able to start taking the small steps that get your life back. I’m trying too. This isn’t how I thought things would be when I envisioned my life after raising children.
Hugs to you….❤️
I hope that are able to carve out some time for yourself too. You deserve it after all you’ve been through. ????????????
My son does the same thing with the worrying about his everyday health. He’s has scars above both eyes from falling, he’s broken both legs on different occasions ( one leg required extensive surgery and the other he never treated so he has an improperly healed ankle, he’s been hospitalized from pancreatitis twice- which makes them very ill, he’s been hospitalized for being undernourished from doing nothing but drinking and not eating, he was beaten up or fell last September- he can’t remember, he broke a bone in his face from falling at the ER last November, he has ulcers on his tongue so bad (from alcohol) that he has a hard time talking, and he worries that his hair is thinning or that he doesn’t want to catch a cold! It’s ridiculous.
And all of this is so shocking to me as a mother. Any one of those incidents is so terrible on it’s own let alone a whole list of them. The addiction colors how you react. As a mom, I would want to care for him if he’s hurt and half the time he doesn’t even tell me until it’s serious and then he wants compassion and help. I can’t even figure out what the right thing to do is. Either way, it wears on me. And one can’t help but feel anger and frustration when this is all a result of an addiction and he says, “Oh that wasn’t from drinking, I swear”.
Yes, you just keep looking to tomorrow…..
Love and hugs to you too. ????
joanie59 I’m sorry that you have this burden to carry at this point in your life. It seems that your son has put an unfair burden on you that he’s sober only when with you- that’s a lot of pressure for you. I don’t know what I would do. I’m very tired of my son’s 10 year alcohol addiction and I’m really wanting my life to be going in a different direction. It’s so consuming. I was searching for a picture yesterday for something unrelated, and I can see the decline of both of us frankly. His looks have declined and I can see the wear and worry on my face. It’s done now and I can’t change it. There’s no erasing the years of pain.
And we’re still on the same course with him. He’s been doing fairly well, having periods of sobriety, yet I’m starting to see him slip.
For those of you who have followed my story, I’ve been a bit of wreck because I was approaching my son running out of money and saying that he’d be on the streets soon. Well, he got an extension from the dean at his university, which basically means that he has financial aid until spring- which just adds to his monumental student debt. I guess it’s a breather for me for the impending disaster, but it really just postpones it. He keeps saying it’s a new year for him and he will not squander this opportunity and that he’s sober, when I know he’s not by his behavior. I don’t see him that often, mostly just texts and phone calls.
I don’t know about you all, but I really hate pretending that everything is just normal and just fine when you’re around them when they have a moment of sobriety. It seems like they just want you to forget the past of 10+++ years!) and just go on. I feel how my heart is guarded when I’m with him.
Hi Danman83- thank you for sharing thoughts from the other side so to speak. I commend you for being brave enough to read these posts. So many addicts (including my son) don’t want to think about the pain that their addiction causes those who love them. For my son, when he does, he feels guilty about it and then usually relapses because it is too painful and he’d rather not face it.
It sounds like you take ownership for your addiction, another important step. Blaming others is another characteristic of addiction as we all know too well.
Stay the course, stay strong, you can do it. I’ll be praying for you. ❤️
Welcome Sunny2022. I’m glad you found us. Here, you have found a place where people truly understand the insanity of loving an addicted adult child.
Loving an addict absolutely drains you and steals so many things from the lives of those around them. I’m sure from reading this long thread, you’re seeing that the addict has to want to do the changing and if they won’t, we suffer.
I encourage you to stick with us, and most importantly, start to slowly shift some focus back to caring for yourself. I know it’s a bit alien as a mother, to give your needs some importance, yet please try, because unfortunately all the suffering we do, doesn’t seem to change them anyway- addiction is very selfish, but maybe you can try to save yourself.
Peace to you..❤️
Ivy, like you, I did too much for my son for many years.
In the beginning, I thought it was just partying in his youth, then I thought it was a phase, then I began to appeal to him to watch it and I assumed he’d listen to me like he always did. And I kept helping because I thought ‘surely his mother’s love will fix him and he’ll come around”. His sisters started telling me he had a problem and I said he was just depressed and that’s why he drinks. And the problem continued on. I’m sorry to say that it took me 6-8 years to see the problem for what it is. I wasn’t necessarily ignorant, it was just truly a long process to see that it was serious. I dug in harder and tried to talk, and love him through it. It’s taken me this long to realize that I have no control at all over his problem- I didn’t cause it and I can’t fix it- such a hard realization. I still fight the urge to dive in and rescue, but I know that it doesn’t help him and it hurts me for a long while.
I’m trying very hard to be there with loving words, but preserve myself as best as I can.
Bump- this makes me angry with all you are going through right now! Unless people have been in our shoes, they truly don’t know how hard this is dealing with an addict. I’m sure there are people who judge the parents, and we all know that this is so false. We are in a situation that is impossible to solve.
I am praying for your son that he stays safe, and I am praying for all of you in your family and especially you. Stay as strong as you can..
God bless you ❤️