Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Welcome Vic152UH. This is a wonderful and safe place to let out your real feelings with people who truly understand the craziness of having an addicted son.
Make sure and take care of you as well. Dealing with an addict will take you down.
Wishing you peace. ♥️
You are so right Georgie. Unfortunately, it’s not much better here in the US. The last time my son was in the hospital a month or so ago, he had fallen in the ER waiting room. (He later learned he had broken a bone in his face from falling.) In the hospital he was hallucinating, so they had to restrain him. I will say that they do have a social worker come in and give them resources that are mostly rehab type things. But after a few days, they just discharge them back to their life.
These addicts are truly mentally ill when they are using, and that carries on for a bit even when they get sober. Our family has desperately searched for help too. One of the biggest problems, is that they fall back in to the lap of their family- which would be me. We are already completely overwrought, emotionally exhausted, and barely trying to manage our our lives with spouses/partners, other kids sometimes like Bump, jobs, homes etc. Plus, we are not professionals- not even close, and we are not equipped to take care of such a serious situation.
Oh Bump, I am so sorry you are going through all of this! It’s just awful. I really hope that your older son can get some help. The stress you must be under…
My prayers, support and far away hugs are with you. ♥️
Happy New Year everyone. ????
nannyger- you are not being negative, you are reaching out for support. We are all on this because of our sons and their terrible addictions and what it does to us. This is where we are able to share our deepest sorrows.
Kate- I hope that you got through these holidays okay. It may seem like you’ll never have joy again, but I pray that you do in other areas of your life. ❤️
Jem- I have made a lot of mistakes with my son too. I also did the same thing many years ago in going back on a boundary I had set. I had told him I would help him with some money, but he had to be sober in order to get it. Well, he wasn’t, so I said that’s the dealbreaker. Oh my, did he harass me constantly on the phone, texts, emails. At that time, I was so afraid of losing him in my life, that I foolishly gave in and gave him some money. I was so disgusted with myself after. I just wanted him to leave me alone, and it worked, until the next time, and then the harassment was worse and I vowed to not give in and didn’t.
From what I’ve read, if you are going to set a boundary, you must stick to it no matter what. I will be surely tested by this in about a month when my son runs out of money. He’s been threatening homelessness for about a year now. I know he’ll think “how could you let me be homeless, your own son”. I have terrible anxiety about it all. But he just can’t live with me. My health can’t take it and my marriage won’t survive it. And where is his responsibility in all this? He’s had months to plan to save himself. Where is his stake in this problem? Why should I be made to suffer and take care of his problem for him when he won’t? It’s not right. I’ll add again that my son turns 40 in a few weeks. But there’s no lying that if that day comes, I will be crying my eyes out and need lots of support. I can’t even think of it right now- it makes me sick. A day at a time…
Bump- your son is 22 and an adult. Where were we all at 22? I was married, (to my kids alcoholic father) with 2 little kids and another (accidental) one on the way. I was young, but very responsible and was working hard to be a good mom.
Like Jem said, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to give your son a timeline, maybe 2-3 months or so and he has to address his addiction and life and be a contributing member of the household or he’s out. And then the hard part for all of us, you have to stick to it.
I hope 2022 is a better year for all…????
Hi Bump- I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hear the desperation in your voice. Your addicted son is clearly holding the whole household hostage with his behaviors. Kate is right, he’s an adult and she’s also right that you could come under more scrutiny if you don’t protect your young son. He’s only 9 and can’t protect himself, so he’s relying on you and your husband to do that for him.
Since I’m in the United States, I can’t speak to any of the legal things or housing or shelters that they have there. And I’m also a mom of an addicted son who’s stumbling along too. So I rely on professionals to guide me, so I can share with you what I’ve been told by professionals. I think one of the hardest things we have to do is to set boundaries with our addicted sons. I read a lot of books, (which I’ll mention below), and much of what I’ve read or been told by counselors is that you can’t set a boundary with an addict and then go back on it. In the past when I have done this with my son, after I’d given in and then tried to say no again- he didn’t believe me, and the outbursts from him only escalate to try and get his way again. It sounds like that is what happens with your son. I told a counselor once, ‘he’s killing me’ and he said that I’m letting him kill me- ouch.
This is so very hard as we know they have an addiction and their brains aren’t right. But if they don’t do anything to help themselves, then we’re made to suffer more and that’s just not right or fair. I’m told most addicts won’t change unless they have to and if I enable my son, then I’m getting in the way of him getting better.
I like to read books because I feel more empowered knowing other’s stories.
Here are a few that have helped me:
Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You- Charles Rubin ( both of his only children-sons- are/were addicts).
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children- Allison Botke
When our Grown Kids Disappoint Us- Jane Adams
I’m wishing you all a Happy New Year. I hope 2022 will be a new beginning for all of us and our addicted children.
Love to all….❤️
Nannyger- everything you are feeling is completely valid and oh so real. This is our private burden that we try to hide. Like you Jem, I will forever wonder how it got to this place. Christmas is so beautiful in many ways, especially the spiritual side for me, but as far as the family side, it’s always hard for me too. My immediate family is not “together”. I had always dreamed of my family, children, spouses, and grandchildren gathering around the table for years to come. We used to have it, but now we don’t, maybe forever. I try to accept what it is now. I just took a long nap on Christmas Day and watched NFL football.
I struggle with family members who have more normal lives. I wouldn’t take it away from them for anything, but I sure wonder “why”.
Bump, I’ve done lots of Al-anon. The best part of it is that it all about keeping the focus on bettering yourself. The part I don’t like is that (maybe only here in America), it’s very structured and they don’t like you to talk about your addicted person, which is why I need this place.
Joanie- I don’t think it’s selfish at all to want to have a life of your own. It must be hard to have him with you even though he’s good. We should be done parenting and enjoying life after our raising of our kids is done. I think if anyone told us when we become mothers that we’d be parenting forever, we’d think twice.
Bump- I’m sorry to hear that you had some issues with your son. It’s so much harder with their addiction when it’s right in your face- exhausting. I’m glad you had a good Christmas Day too.
I’m glad that most of you seemed to have a good day. My son was good too. I saw him earlier in the week and we had a nice lunch. And he was good yesterday. We talked on the phone. He’s in a positive state of wanting to put this year behind him, which unfortunately, I’ve heard so many times. I’m sure he really believes it and then something happens. I just encouraged him.
It was nice to not have a Christmas where I went to bed and cried privately.
Love to all. ♥️
Jem, I’m glad that today is good for you and your son. That’s good enough just for today right?
Merry Christmas!! ????
Merry Christmas to you all! I hope that you are able to have some peace, joy, love, and no drama this Christmas.
♥️????????
Hi Bump, I’m sorry to read your post about you and your husband. Perhaps it isn’t all because of your addicted son, but the I’m sure the stress of it doesn’t help. I hope that you and your husband can have some clarity to be sure if it’s what’s best. It must hard for everyone, and I think of your 9 year old son who is impacted by it all. Perhaps some counseling will help him to navigate all the things going on around him.
I’ll keep your whole family in my prayers. ????????
Hi Ivy- I’m glad to hear from you! I’ve thought of you often and have wondered how things are going for you and your son. I’m sorry to hear that things are not great with him. He’s definitely in the right place right now to be cared for. It’s crazy to say, but we moms actually ‘relax’ mentally a little when they’re in the hospital (or sadly, even in jail), because we know where they are and that they are safe and sober.
Ivy, it sounds like you have had a very hard road with your son, and yes, you are certainly are a survivor, and strong woman and a good mother.
Your last Christmas sounds really awful. They are addicted and that is all that is on their brain, and their addiction makes them just stomp on the hearts of those who love them.
I’m glad you at least have some peace this Christmas knowing where he is and that he is in a secure place. I hope that it will allow you to have a little bit of joy on your holiday.
Peace and love.. ????
Hello my friends, I was just thinking of everyone and wondering how everyone’s sons are doing and how you are all dealing with Christmas. Fortunately, it is a busy time of year and has many good distractions too. For me, I usually get a little down about this time knowing that things in my family are not great. My son has been out of the hospital for detox and Covid for about a month now. I’ve been in communication with him mostly by text. He ‘seems’ sober although I am very disappointed that he has not followed up with the program that was recommended to him at the hospital. He waited weeks because he said they would call him (which I don’t think is true) and he said he called them the other day and got a voicemail. I don’t know if he did or not or is just saying what I want to hear. He has been spending the majority of time trying to figure out a way to continue his PhD program so he can continue the student loans- his source of income which is terrible.
He has expressed that he is lonely. I told him that I would like to see him before Christmas. It’s too soon for him to be at a family gathering. I’m pretty sure it’ll be too much for him and then he’ll probably relapse. He goes between saying that he is sorry for what he’s done to the family, to the family should apologize to him for judging him for being an alcoholic (which is not true). And how stressed he is that he could be homeless in less than a month. And yet I don’t see him doing anything to stop that from happening.
I’m very frustrated and a bit angry too. I want to see him and I don’t want too. He’s done a lot of crappy things to me recently ( and for years) and it hasn’t been that long. I’m wary of him. I’ve asked my sister to go with me so I’m not alone. His sister at first agreed to go and now she said she changed her mind.
And there’s always the dilemma of what you buy an addict for Christmas. They don’t really want anything but money which he’s not going to get from me. I’ll come up with something like clothes etc., but I know he could care less about clothes. books, gift cards. I’ve bought him gift cards to grocery stores before, but now they all sell alcohol and I don’t want to contribute to that.
I hope you’re all holding up okay and feeling some joy in this holiday, I’ll be loving on my darling grandkids. ❤️????????
Jem- how wonderful for you. Dogs are the best, and love unconditionally which which we all need when sometimes you feel unloved or unappreciated by the addict in your life. ????
Hi Kate, you should remember your son and his goodness, that is his true essence and sadly we know that addiction covers that up. And yes, those drug lords, traffickers, and dealers are murderers in a true sense. They have on their conscience all the lives of these addicts who they hold hostage to a degree.
I hope that you will forgive me for being spiritual here, but I believe in an afterlife where we are purified and made new in God’s love and I believe your son is too. ♥️
Nanny ger- it’s amazing how quickly our feelings come straight to the surface again when things go bad. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so down. And it sure seems like things always go bad around the holidays- it often happens to me with my son.
I can’t even remember a Christmas in many years that wasn’t tinged with sadness.
I hope you can find some joy in your grandchildren even though they’re a reminder of your son. ♥️