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Hi Joanie- welcome. You are among a good group of ladies who share your story.
It’s hard that at this point of your life, that you’re still caring for an adult child. This should be a time in our lives where we’re sitting back and watching our adult kids make their own way.
I hope you can find some time for yourself to get a bit of peace. ♥️
Hi Bump- I can hear that you’re at your wit’s end. Please reach out to someone who can help if you really get to a bad place. I’m sure a lot of it is just wanting the madness and pain to stop. You have an 8 year old child who needs you and your husband needs you to and any other family members, and friends who love you. You matter to all of them. I have to tell myself the same thing when I get like this because you really start to feel worthless and the never-ending battle just wears you out.
You shouldn’t have to feel like this in your own house.
DebC- I’m sorry to hear your son is being vile and rude. You don’t deserve that treatment in your own home.
I think sometimes we feel like we’re supposed to take anything they dish out because we’re their moms and they’re ill, but that’s just not right. We’re moms. but we’re people too.
Hello Joanie59, Lindyloo let me know about you over here on this thread. You have no idea how similar our stories are. I too, have an adult alcoholic son. My story is your story as well. Mine has been going on for 10 years with my son, and I can bet that we share many of the same things. I too, have felt like running away, or sometimes even wishing I weren’t around. I don’t have a death wish or anything, I just wanted the pain to stop.
Recently, I had to stop talking to my son because he’s really awful when he’s drinking and he takes it out on me. He also was recently in the hospital initially for Covid and then stayed to detox. He also has not been interested in any outside help. We’re currently in communication, by text. I haven’t seen him physically in months. He also lets himself go when he drinks, and he’s fallen and hurt himself numerous times.
I do know that the toll that this takes on us moms, is tremendous and you do not deserve to be destroyed by this. None of us do. Your loved ones need you and your partner needs you too.
I really would love to see you transition over to the Theresa thread. You could skip to the very last 5-10 pages (it’s a very long thread, but worth reading if you are able) or so and you will see a group of women who are struggling just as you are, but have solace in one another.
Here’s how to join the Theresa thread- go to the home page of this forum. Up in the left corner, click on Forum Home and then scroll all the way down to the title “Share your Story” and the Theresa thread is the very top one, then click on that.
It will really help. Sometimes, if you do your own individual thread, it eventually goes quiet and the Theresa thread is very active with several “regulars” including me, and as you know, our problems are continuous…
I hope to see you there. And I hope you that can find some rest today for yourself, you deserve it- you matter. ????
Lindyloo- I just wanted to thank you for the kind words you always share, and sticking with us all even though your son is doing fairly well. I don’t know if your son knows that you’re on this chat, but if he does, you let him know that this mom over in the USA is very proud of him of his hard work on staying sober! I know he’s had his slips, but he seems to get up and get going again and I’m sure that it is not easy for him. ????????
Lindyloo- I sure will!
Hi Kate- yes, I remember when my first young husband died, the first everything was so hard. The next time around was better. The first anniversary of his death was very, very hard and I thought I would go backwards in my grief, but thankfully I didn’t.
Peace to you. ????
Hi nannyger- I’m sorry to hear the news about your son. It really doesn’t go away, you just bury it to get by. It’s hard when our children do not grow up and display the values and morals that we know we imparted to them. Their addictions are unfortunately a life sentence for us it seems, because even if we physically can’t be with them, our hearts and minds never stop thinking of them. I suppose I will never stop wondering how it all went so wrong. I will pray for you and your heart. It’s not easy to walk away, it protects you from the onslaught, but the heart hurts.
My son has been home from the hospital for a couple of weeks now. I’ve spoken to him just a couple of times. He told me that when he fell in the ER waiting room, he fell face first and broke a bone in his face. In the past, he has broken both of his legs on different occasions, split his head open numerous times from falling. He has a lesion on his tongue that may or may not be from a seizure. It’s all more than a mother’s heart can bear. And I’m powerless to do a thing to help. He frustrates me because in the hospital, he seemed so open and excited to participate in some outpatient program that they were offering and since being home, he hasn’t done anything about it. And of course, his life is a terrible mess, and that’s usually the catalyst for his relapse. He wasn’t mean or rude in our last conversation, but I could tell he was trying to work me so that I’ll feel bad for him and give him money. I still can’t believe that he says he’d rather be on the street than work some job that isn’t “right” for him. I sure hope he’s just bluffing. He said he’ll be out of money in mid-January.
I have many things to be grateful for, but Christmas is just hard and always gets me down.
Kate- I’m thinking of you this holiday season. The first set of holidays are always very difficult, and I hope you and your family can get through it okay.
Love to all… ????????
Nannyger and everyone- sending you all hope and peace.. ????
Bump, I’m like you- I do worry what people think. I wish I didn’t. I also feel jealously about other families who have more normal lives. I know everybody has their troubles, but I do know many families, some of them my siblings, who have normal kid problems but not like this with an addicted child. I know it’s not right to be jealous, I just yearn for normalcy with normal kid stuff. And now the holidays are coming up and I always have such sadness that my immediate family is so fractured and my siblings are feeling joy at their families all getting together.
This Thursday is our Thanksgiving Day in the US. My one daughter and family are in a different state, and my daughter near me invited me and my husband over. It’s hard for me to host because I know my son is not able to attend and he’s alone- breaks my heart and yet, he created his aloneness. My daughter won’t have him over because she has little ones and he’s too unpredictable these days. In the past, my daughter would say she wouldn’t come if he’s going to be there if I had everybody at my house. I guess him quarantining from COVID solves Thanksgiving, but then there’s Christmas.
I can’t bring myself to tell my neighbors, because of some embarrassment, but also because it’s too emotional to talk about. I’ve asked my husband not to tell his family too much. My husband is not my kids dad and his family kind of judges. But I think they know because they never even bring him up.
At least we all have each other. ♥️
Nannyger – my heart goes out to you and my heart is with you too. I relate to much of what you said. Sadly, I think for all of us, it’s the first thing we think of when we wake and the last thing we think of when we close our eyes at night. You’re a very courageous woman. It’s not easy to finally draw a line for self protection. As mothers it feels so wrong. I remember when my son was little, I would tell him that there was nothing that would make me stop loving him or being there. How could I have ever seen this coming?!
This is by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life.
My son went home from the hospital on Thursday. He said his COVID is still lingering. He said some terrible things happened in the hospital, and then didn’t tell me what it was, so I don’t know what it could be.
An addiction counselor talked to him about some program that’s outpatient on the hospital campus. He said he wants to try it! I couldn’t believe it, because he’s never, ever agreed to anything! It’s a small, small, glimmer and I don’t want to get my hopes up because he’d have to show up.
And now that he’s home, I’m worried that he will fall back in to his usual ways. He still has all the big problems with his school and money, etc., so there’s that.
It’s strange, our relationship is so strained, and there’s so little for us to talk about that’s not a problem, I don’t even really know how to talk to the son I was so very close to.
Kate- always thinking of you. Wouldn’t it be nice if we knew what to do? Every addicted person is the same and different. Bottom line is we’re moms who want try to anything and yet have zero power over their addiction and lives.
Love to all ❤️❤️❤️
Hi Bump- I think my son is doing alright. I haven’t spoken to him yet today. But I feel good knowing he’s in the hospital and being observed. After talking to the nurse, I think he’s there more for the alcohol withdrawal at this point, but is in Covid isolation with another Covid patient. My son told me yesterday that he’s pretty sure he got it from going home with some girl at a bar (something a mother doesn’t want to hear!)
But that just shows that they are careless about their own health.
I would pretty upset too if I were you and my son brought it home after a relapse. And yet, the virus is everywhere, but it still feels like another side effect of their addiction.
My son cares about himself only too. The addiction makes them so narrow minded that it is all they think about. That’s what is hard for me. We’re supposed to be the loving mothers and caring about them and they not only don’t do the same, they’re often unkind. It truly makes a person crazy.
Oh Bump, I can’t believe you caught it again! This virus is crazy.
I hope you can take good care of yourself, although the brain never stops thinking about it all. I hope you get to feeling better soon. ????
Lindyloo and Jem- thanks for the well wishes..
He’s definitely in the right place so things don’t go sideways. I talked to the nurse and they said he came in not feeling good with Covid symptoms. He wasn’t sober when he went to the hospital. They tested him and he tested positive. It sounds like the Covid part appears to be doing okay, now they are treating him for the withdrawal. I mentioned to him about rehab or AA and he said no to both.
Oh how I wish he would consider AA. He needs the support.
Love to all… ????
Hi everyone. I got an email and text from my son that he is in the hospital with Covid. So of course, I immediately called him even though I was on a break from him. He was pretty out of it when I talked to him and I couldn’t figure out if he was there for alcohol withdrawal and they discovered he had Covid when he got there or he went to the hospital for Covid symptoms. I don’t think he’s in any imminent danger at this time. I’m waiting for the nurse to call me so hopefully I can get a straight answer.
He was vaccinated in April, but I’ve been waiting for this. I felt pretty strongly that he’d get Covid because if you’re not sober public, then you’re not careful.
These things that happen them to them throw such a wrench in their situation. I’m there with my concern and love and then they go home and start their dangerous lives again.
Happy belated birthday Bump and Lindyloo! I hope both of you were able to have some joy in your lives with your birthdays! ????????
Bump- I really think it’s great that your son is getting back to the meetings! He at least knows he needs to be there.
Kate- I hope you are managing things alright and can find some bits of happiness with your daughter and your granddaughter. If I were in your place, I would want to know as much as possible about my son’s situation. My best friend lost her son to a drug overdose about 7 years ago. He was staying with her and his sister was there too. He had been sober for a couple of weeks because had a court date the next morning. She was with him almost the whole time and he somehow managed to get some alcohol and pills that he either took on purpose or for his nerves for the court date. My friend went to wake him up and he was on the floor-unconscious. Hours later, they had the very hard task of removing life support because he had had a severe seizure and was brain dead. I was there through it all with her- it was heart-breaking.
She tried for years to get answers from everyone she could think of. She got some answers that he was doing more drugs than she truly knew, but unfortunately, she never got the “why” he chose to take drugs/alcohol that night. I truly believe that if she had slept in a bed in the same room right next to him, it still would have happened. She kept saying, “I was right across the hall!” She kept thinking that she missed something or some sign.
I will tell you that after these many years, I have watched her come to a peace with it all. She started a college scholarship for him and that has kept her going. I admire her for that- I don’t know if I would have had the stamina. She takes great joy from her grandchildren. And she focuses only on the good of his life and not his drug side. It’s just what works for her. And now she’s watching me go through it with my son too. My son and her son were childhood friends. You’d think this all would have scared my son straight, but no…
I’m still struggling with my son. I go back and forth about wanting to talk to him even though it always seems to go bad. My communication break will not be permanent, I just need some more time. I hate not talking to him, and I hate talking to him. Like you all, I miss the real him.
I do hope you all have a peaceful weekend with no drama. ????